Here is a place to put some of your favourite jokes, i will start:
what is better than eating a mandarin?
Eating amanda-out?
haha, yep, first time i heard that i was so drunk, i almost died laughing
Haha i'm not surprised. Even better if you know someone called amanda ;)
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whoes job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day a letter came addressed, in a shaky hand,to God with no actual address. he thought he should open it and see what it was about.The letter read.
Dear God.
I am an 83 year old widow,living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it,Which was all the money i had till next pension day.Next sunday is chrstmas, and I had invited my friends over for dinner.Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, you are my only hope. Can you help me please?
Sincerly Edna.
The postal worker was touched . He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into their pockets and he collected £96 which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days latter another letter arrived from the same old lady addressed to God. All the workers gathered round while the letter was opened.
Dear God,
How can I thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a lovely day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way there was £4 missing. I think it was these idiots at the post office.
Sincerly Edna.
my cousin is amanda (AWKWARD) :P
haha, NICE!!! those types of jokes are funny
are you a fan of dead-baby jokes?
this one is classic... most of you would have heard it..
A guy's boat sunk in the middle of the ocean and was left for dead, he prayed to god to help him save him..
a boat came along and the captain said, would you like to come?
he replied with no thanks god will save me..
another boat came and said would you like to come??
he again replied no thanks god will save me
and then another boat came along and again asked would you like to come?
he again replied with no thanks god will save me..
he eventually died and when he went to heaven he asked god why didn't you save me..
god said i tried 3 times!
haha, heard it, still a classic
welcome back hilly, how was your trip?
What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
her legs?
Close. Her ankles
knew it was something like that
what is funner than throwing a baby off a cliff?
throwing 2 babies off a cliff?
no, running down and catching it with a pitchfork :P
haha thanks benjy trip was great..
What do you do when i blonde throws a pin at you??
run!
how do you get 1000 babies in a bucket?
how?
use a blender
how do you put them into the blender?
how..
feet first so you can hear them scream
how do you get them back out of the bucket?
*sigh* how...
dorritos :D
ok that joke is done now :P
you are a sick man benjy :P
What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
haha, and i am going to be teaching your children :P
dunno, what did he say?
Dam
What did the left nut say to the right nut?
and
What do you call an anorexic with thrush?
lol
no idea and no idea
The guy in the middle thinks he is so hard!
and
A quarter pounder with cheese!
haha, nice
what did the muffin say to the other muffin in the oven?
what?
Why don't you hit a collingwood supporter with your car on a bike?
I have said that fish one on this forum before CF.....are you stealing my material? ;D ;D
oops , stuffed up the joke, it is meant to say "what did one muffin say to the other when it said "it is starting to get hot in here"" and the other muffin says "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! It's a talking muffin!"
and why not hilly?
cause it might be your bike :'(
SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no
other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
But when silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly
at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I suppose you'd just have to write with your other hand!.
boom......boom!
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.
A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'
Before he realized it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver,
'Got stuck, huh?'
The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'
The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he had just stopped for speeding.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the policeman said.
The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
(When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the
kid on his way without a ticket!)
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a Coles supermarket but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not, they're dead.'
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'
It was mealtime during a flight on a Qantas plane:
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
L.O.L!!!!
All pure gold naste ;D
they sound like something i would say
Quote from: naste on September 27, 2010, 11:07:14 AM
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a Coles supermarket but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not, they're dead.'
Made my day, still haven't stopped laughing yet ;D
don't get me started i know too many am like a walking joke book...lol
problem is it takes too damn long to type em all out...lol
Laziness Daz ;D
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."
The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ... and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."
To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"
Quote from: roo boys! on September 27, 2010, 12:17:40 PM
Laziness Daz ;D
damn straight between FTP the rest i just can't be bothered...lol
Why I fired my Secretary
Last week was my birthday
And I didn't feel very well
Waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast
Hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
And possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out,
She barely said good morning,
Let alone
' Happy Birthday.'
I thought...
Well,
that's marriage for you,
But the kids....
They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
And didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
And somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office,
My secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
And by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
That at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock ,
When Jane knocked on my door
And said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
And it is your Birthday,
What do you say we go out to lunch,
Just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go!'
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
Where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
With a private table.
We had two martinis each
And I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'
I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
For just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok..' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and,
After a couple of minutes,
She came out
Carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
By my wife,
My kids,
And dozens of my friends
And co-workers,
All singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Stark Naked.
AWKWARD TURTLE!!!!
Paddy tells Mick He's thinking of buying a labrador.
Be off say's Mick, have you seen how many of their owners go blind.
LMFAO!! Absolute classic naste!
Q. Two Collingwood supporters jump off a cliff. Who wins
A. Society.
Q. What does a Collingwood supporter use as protection during sex?
A. Bus shelter.
Q. What does a Collingwood supporter use as a contraceptive?
A. His personality.
Q. What do you call a 30 year old female Collingwood supporter?
A. Granny.
Q. What do you call a Collingwood supporter in a suit?
A. The defendant.
Q. Why did the Collingwood supporter cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger, for no reason what so ever.
Q. What do you call a female Collingwood supporter in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.
Q. If you are driving and you see a Collingwood supporter on a bike, why should you try not to hit him?
A. It might be your bike.
Q. What's the first question during a Collingwood supporter quiz night?
A. What you looking at?
Q. Two Collingwood supporters in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman!
Q. Why is three Collingwood supporters going over a cliff in Lexus a shame?
A. Because a Lexus has four seats.
Q. What do you say to a Collingwood supporter with a job?
A. Big Mac please
You know you're a Collingwood supporter when:
1. A Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your wife does.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. Jack Daniel's makes your list of 'most admired people.'
5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family once died right after saying: 'Hey, watch this.'
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. A ceiling fan once ruined your wife's hairdo.
9. You think the last words of Advance Australia Fair are: 'Carn the Maggies .'
10. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded, right off its wheels.
11. The market value of your car goes up and down, depending on how much petrol is in it.
12. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
13. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
14. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
15. You think 'loaded dishwasher' means your wife is drunk.
16. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
17. Your front verandah collapses and kills more than five dogs.
Last one for a while as have a sore finger.
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and said...
'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.' On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines when I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, dog'
Re the 2 Collingwood ones might have to hide from ossie & cruise eh.
Q will get a laugh tho
Two men walked into a bar....
You think they would have seen it! ;D
lol....classic's naste
give us some more naste!!
Just starting to crack up after the Collingwood jokes :):):)
naste you are a legend!
Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why do we buy hamburgers in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight..
EVER WONDER ...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavouring, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.
'Two years older than me.'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
Three old guys are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on,
The class was over..
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
Told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
She wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.'
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turned to the other and said: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' Slim said, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!? Like a newborn baby?' 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty', he replied.
It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%. He went back in a month and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.
Australian Medical Association researchers have found
that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit
from receiving chicken blood
rather than human blood.
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better....
Just thought you'd like to know.
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer,
The second man was an Accountant,
The third man was a Chemist, and
The fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.'
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.
Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Measure, do your stuff..'
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass..
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?'
The Government Employee called his cat and said, 'Coffee Break, do your stuff.'
Coffee Break jumped to his feet.......
Ate the cookies........
Drank the milk.......
shower on the paper.......
Screwed the other three cats.......
Claimed he injured his back while doing so........
Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......
Put in for Workers' Compensation...............and
Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............
AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It’s after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the
Bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!
As the husband puts a gun to the naked man’s head, the wife shouts,
'Don’t do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership,
And HE even pays the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the
Husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?'
The cabby replies, 'I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.
Another oldie but a goodie for you all!!!!
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service
for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to
be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man,
I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy
had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the
grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know
what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out
my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like
I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing
Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my
head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard
one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been
putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently I'm still lost....
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went
into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went
up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a
break?"
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi
turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn
tyres. So my wife called him a sh..- head. He finished the second ticket
and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a
third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him,
the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and saw that the car
had a vote for Julia Gillard (evil new Australian Prime Minister) sticker. We try to have a little fun each day now that
we're retired... It's important at our age.
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"
Quote from: CrowsFan on September 29, 2010, 01:00:43 PM
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
http://instantcrickets.com/ (http://instantcrickets.com/)
What did the bread say to the ham??
"Nice to 'meat' you."
Why did the wog go to the hospital??
Cos he was fully sick.
Why couldn't the bike stand up??
Cos it was two tired.
Two men walked into a bar........ The other ducked ;D
As you can tell i like these sort of jokes they are so bad that they are funny ;D
How do you kill a blonde?
Give her a Gun and say its a hairdryer!
How do you keep a blonde in the shower all day?
Giver her a bottle of shampoo that says "lather, rinse, repeat"
how do you confuse a blonde?
take her into a round room and tell her to sit in the corner
There is a blonde woman with her daughter in a plane and it has 4 engines. The flight is scheduled to go for 4 hours.
30 minutes into the trip the flight attendant tells everybody one of the engines has failed and it will take an extra half an hour to make it to their destination.
Half an hour later he says another engine has failed at it will take an extra hour.
An hour later he comes over and says the flight will take yet another 2 hours because the third engine has failed.
The blonde woman says to her daughter "shower, if that last engine fails we are never going to get down from here!'
A redhead, a brunette and a blonde are on a boat. The boat springs a leak and sinks.
The redhead gets a quarter of the way and drowns.
The brunette makes it half way and dies.
The blonde makes it half way, gets tired and swims back to the wreckage.
I have heard the second one, still funny though ;D
LOL 1st one is good 8)
Quote from: benjy251090 on September 29, 2010, 06:56:03 PM
how do you confuse a blonde?
take her into a round room and tell her to sit in the corner
A one-month old baby knows that joke ::)
Quote from: Master Q on September 29, 2010, 08:01:04 PM
Quote from: benjy251090 on September 29, 2010, 06:56:03 PM
how do you confuse a blonde?
take her into a round room and tell her to sit in the corner
A one-month old baby knows that joke ::)
Lies!!! I do human development and babies bascially know nothing by 1 month :P
I did 8)
Superbaby ;)
Quote from: benjy251090 on September 29, 2010, 06:56:03 PM
how do you confuse a blonde?
take her into a round room and tell her to sit in the corner
http://gooong.com/ (http://gooong.com/)
Nice BP ;). Some nice one liner links :P.
Quote from: Hellopplz on September 29, 2010, 08:24:30 PM
Nice BP ;). Some nice one liner links :P.
Like you need 'em HP :P My little ranga ;) (well you are actually older than me :P )
Worst website names ever.
Who represents becomes www.whorepresents.com/
Experts Exchange becomes www.expertsexchange.com/
Pen Island becomes www.penisland.net/ (my favourite :P)
therapist finder becomes www.therapistfinder.com/
Quote from: roo boys! on September 29, 2010, 08:26:23 PM
Quote from: Hellopplz on September 29, 2010, 08:24:30 PM
Nice BP ;). Some nice one liner links :P.
Like you need 'em HP :P My little ranga ;) (well you are actually older than me :P )
That's right young one :P.
Quote from: Alex7089 on September 29, 2010, 08:30:50 PM
Worst website names ever.
Who represents becomes www.whorepresents.com/
Experts Exchange becomes www.expertsexchange.com/
Pen Island becomes www.penisland.net/ (my favourite :P)
therapist finder becomes www.therapistfinder.com/
That last one reminds of my favorite ever bit of Arrested Devolpment. Where the guy gets cards printed up and because he wanted to be both an analyist and a therapist the cards came back analrapist :P
LMAO!
Some good ones here ;D
http://www.fanfooty.com.au/forum/index.php/topic,13339.msg126723.html#msg126723http://www.fanfooty.com.au/forum/index.php/topic,13339.msg126723.html#msg126723
Thanks MP, good luck to your chaps this week!
I knew of Pen Island, friend told me about it ;D
Well it's not a joke, but I did find it quite funny when I found out my dad recieved a letter from the library about an overdue book, entitled: "Learn How to Speedread"
obviously didn't work ;D
lol clearly not :P
When I heard that story it just gave me a little giggle ;D
For more funny stories type 'FML' into google, some interesting stuff :P
lol I'm sure there would be, I love hearing funny stories.. ;D
I distinctly remember reading a story where a uni student baked some brownies (;) ) and she went out to have lunch, she came back and her 8 year old sister had eaten the whole tray :P
*checks to see if I have an 8 year old sister
nup I'm good ;)
Why do I get the feeling that the fact that it was a Uni student means there should be quotation marks around "Brownies"? :P
Quote from: BratPack on September 30, 2010, 12:05:10 AM
Why do I get the feeling that the fact that it was a Uni student means there should be quotation marks around "Brownies"? :P
Well thats what the wink was for :P
Yeah I thought I would replace it with the wink.
Don't forget it is physically impossible for me to NOT use an emoticon ;)
That is seriously unfortunate for both the student but the kid, *shudders
I know her brain would be fried completely :P
She may never wake up, seriously, overdose :'(
Still a funny story for us to hear though ;D
Yeah hilarious. I am going to find some more :P
The irony ;D
Today, I saw a crash on the highway. The police weren't yet there, so I pulled over to help because I know CPR. No one needed CPR, but I had locked myself out of my car. My roadside assist won't come to highways, so I had to get towed away in front of everyone. FML
Hahaha that's a good one, you would be shattered ;D
Haha yeah, pretty lousy effort from her roadside assistance though, no assistance here, or here, or here, or here, or here, or here but you might get it here if you send smoke signals and it is a Tuesday :P
lol ;D
If i had roadside assistance I would complain...but I dont even have a car ::)
lol, I don't have a car. What is the point? I have to drive with a parent in the car anyway :(
Quote from: roo boys! on September 30, 2010, 11:56:41 AM
lol ;D
If i had roadside assistance I would complain...but I dont even have a car ::)
I don't even have a license ::).
Quote from: Hellopplz on September 30, 2010, 03:22:00 PM
Quote from: roo boys! on September 30, 2010, 11:56:41 AM
lol ;D
If i had roadside assistance I would complain...but I dont even have a car ::)
I don't even have a license ::).
I'm not even old enough to sit for mine ::)
I have said too much! :-X :-X ;D ;D
I have my license and a car! Just a few months away from my full license
Quote from: CrowsFan on September 30, 2010, 05:34:29 PM
I have my license and a car! Just a few months away from my full license
Showoff ::) ;D ;D ;D
Been a while so thought I would add some light jokes again.
A Summer Romance ... between the sheets.
You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you
laid on my naked body... you sensed my indifference, so you applied your
hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near
crazy while you drained me.
Finally, I drifted off to sleep.
Today when I awoke, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only
the sheets bore witness to last night's events.
My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it
all the more difficult to forget you.
Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you........
Dang mosquito !
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...
for example...
A wife comes home late at night early from being out of town and quietly
opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as
she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them
stay in our bedroom.
Did you say 'hello'?"
A man walks into a bar and this chick points at his beer gut and asks 'XXXX or VB?'
He says 'he's not sure but there's a tap underneath if you want a taste!' :P
A blonde orders a beer.The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the blonde woman's b*obs and splashes all over them...
The bartender goes over,retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her b*obs.
Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens. So after the third beer, a guy decides to help the bartender out.
The next time the bartender hit her b*obs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts and she decks him!
He is lying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady...Why do you let the bartender do it?'
"Helloooo!", says the blonde,
'He has a licker license!'
A drunk sees a man looking under the hood of his car.
"Wassup?"says the drunk.
The man says, "Piston broke."
"Yeah," says the drunk. "Me, too."
Two blondes walk into a bar, the third one ducks :P
A couple of old guys (Grazz & Dudge) were golfing when Dudge said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.
Grazz remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before.
"Is that so?" Dudge asked. "Did he do a good job?"
"Well, I was on this course yesterday when a guy on the ninth hole hooked a shot," Grazz says. "The ball must have been going 200 kph when it hit me square in the nuts."
"What does that have to do with your teeth?" asked Dudge.
"Well" Grazz explained, "That was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."
Quote from: naste on February 16, 2012, 10:54:01 PM
A couple of old guys (Grazz & Dudge) were golfing when Dudge said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.
Grazz remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before.
"Is that so?" Dudge asked. "Did he do a good job?"
"Well, I was on this course yesterday when a guy on the ninth hole hooked a shot," Grazz says. "The ball must have been going 200 kph when it hit me square in the nuts."
"What does that have to do with your teeth?" asked Dudge.
"Well" Grazz explained, "That was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."
Hey what the.... (http://i1143.photobucket.com/albums/n624/Grazz64/greenguy.gif)
Naste and Nails were on holidays walking down Bond Street in London when Nails See's these Crocodile leather shoes in a shop window worth a $1000.
"Naste have a look at these" says Nails, Naste says "geez they are expensive mate". Nails says "why don't we go over to Africa and hunt these Crocs for a bit of extra spending money", Naste looks at Nails and says "great idea mate lets do it".
To cut a long story short they are both walking through the jungle when they come upon a river and a guy hiring boats.
Nails asks the guy if they can hire a speed boat, the bloke replies "i only have a row boat until midday then the speed boat will be back".
Nails looks at Naste and says "look mate put as much gear into the rowboat as you can carry and head off down the river after these Croc's and when the speed boat comes back i'll catch up to you". "Ok" says Naste and heads off down the river.
12 o'clock and sure enough the speed boat returns, after refueling Nails heads off after Naste. He gets to the 1st bend in the river and there's 8 dead Crocs on the bank, excellent he thinks. He gets to the next bend and there's 6 dead Crocs on the bank the next bend 4 dead Crocs on the bank and in the distance he can see Naste in the water wrestling a Crocodile with mud and crap going everywhere, Nails races up there and says "Naste what are you bloody doing ?". Naste looks around in anger and yells "If this barbie doesn't have any shoes on i'm going home" (http://i1143.photobucket.com/albums/n624/Grazz64/beerchug.gif)
Grazz's wife Karen, looked out the window and noticed him "playing church" with their cat.
Grazz had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. Karen smiled and went about her work. A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back To the open window to see Grazz baptising the cat in a tub of water.
Karen called out, "Grazz, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!"
Grazz looked at her and said, "He should have thought about that before he joined my church.
LOL
nice work guys love the way you have thrown each others names into them
makes it all the more funnier ;)
Couple driving home and run over a possum, they get out it's still breathing but freezing cold. Husband says "Put it between your legs to warm it up", wife replies "but it's all wet and stinks", he says "Well hold the Possums flowering nose then!"
6 year old son in the garden sees 2 spiders, son asks "is that a mummylonglegs under a daddylonglegs?" Dad replies "No son, theres no such thing as a mummylonglegs, only daddylonglegs" Dad felt proud of his answer, until the boy stomps on both spiders saying,"we'll have none of that g-y shower in our garden, hey dad"
Why Ringo never plays golf with an undertaker.
They will always be on top at the final hole.
Quote from: DazBurg on February 17, 2012, 08:55:33 AM
LOL
nice work guys love the way you have thrown each others names into them
makes it all the more funnier ;)
Your turn Then!
Daz's wife came home just in time to find her Daz in bed with another woman.
With super-human strength, born of fury, cutting of firewood, lifting sacks
of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged Daz down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn.
She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then she picked up an old carpenter's saw.
Banged-up-cheater Daz was terrified and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her Daz's hand and said ...
"Nope....you are! I'm gonna burn down the Barn!"
A drunk man, let's call him BP, is standing in the middle of the town square pissing into the fountain. A cop spots him and comes over to tell him him off. "Stop that and put it away!" So BP shoves his dick back in to his pants and does up the zip. The cop turns and starts walking away when BP starts to laugh uncontrollably. "Okay, what's so funny?" asks the cop.
"Fooled you!" BP responds, "I put it away, but I didn't stop..."
Hahaha The 2 Brothers have copped it
Quote from: Ringo on February 17, 2012, 11:49:08 AM
Why Ringo never plays golf with an undertaker.
They will always be on top at the final hole.
Yeh i know when im outclassed, i need to be a bit wobbly then i remember them haha. Appologies to nails for using his name but us older guys have to stick together and i did make him the smart one. ;)
Everyone on here knows Grazz is a very keen fisherman. I was interested in finding out why that was so I asked his wife, and this was her reply.
"I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a big one!""
;D
Quote from: CrowsFan on February 17, 2012, 11:14:20 PM
Everyone on here knows Grazz is a very keen fisherman. I was interested in finding out why that was so I asked his wife, and this was her reply.
"I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a big one!""
;D
haha crack me up, thats part of it lol. The other reason is i can do the wild thing for five minutes but i can fish for atleast 24 hours straight. A man must know his limitations haha. (http://i1143.photobucket.com/albums/n624/Grazz64/rating10.gif) (http://i1143.photobucket.com/albums/n624/Grazz64/fishing.gif)
Quote from: CrowsFan on February 17, 2012, 11:14:20 PM
Everyone on here knows Grazz is a very keen fisherman. I was interested in finding out why that was so I asked his wife, and this was her reply.
"I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a big one!""
;D
Reckon he goes to the fish monger on the way home just quietly.
Quote from: naste on February 18, 2012, 12:33:33 AM
Quote from: CrowsFan on February 17, 2012, 11:14:20 PM
Everyone on here knows Grazz is a very keen fisherman. I was interested in finding out why that was so I asked his wife, and this was her reply.
"I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a big one!""
;D
Reckon he goes to the fish monger on the way home just quietly.
From the rumours i'm hearing, your spot on naste :D
Nah not really Grazz loves his fishing, and he's pee'ed off when he gets nothing. Hence the fish monger lol
Quote from: naste on February 18, 2012, 12:33:33 AM
Quote from: CrowsFan on February 17, 2012, 11:14:20 PM
Everyone on here knows Grazz is a very keen fisherman. I was interested in finding out why that was so I asked his wife, and this was her reply.
"I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a big one!""
;D
Reckon he goes to the fish monger on the way home just quietly.
Haha that reminds me of another joke!
Grazz has had a terrible day fishing and hasn't managed to catch a single fish. Disheartened he returns home, but on the way stops in at the fish monger. "4 flathead please. But could you please throw them at me," Grazz says to the monger.
The monger is puzzled, "you want me to throw them at you? Why?"
"Well if you throw them at me I can tell my wife that I caught these fish!" Grazz replies with a grin across his face.
"Ah well in that case you would be better off getting some trevalla," the monger says.
Grazz is now the one who looks puzzled, "why's that? Are trevalla easier to catch?"
The monger looks at him with a cheeky grin on his face, "oh no, nothing like that. You wife was just in here earlier this morning and said if you came in to tell you she prefers trevalla for dinner!"
Grazz & Dudge found a bottle floating on the water, retrieved it, rubbed it, and a genie popped out.
"I'll grant each of you one wish," said the genie. Dudge wished for a new fishing boat, all decked out, complete with outboard, the whole nine yards.
Poof! New boat!
Grazz wished for the lake to be turned into beer.
Poof! The lake is now made of beer.
"Grazz You dummy!" exclaimed Dudge. "Now we'll have to pee in the boat!"
Grazz, Dudge and Naste are all stuck on a deserted island when they find a magic lamp and rub it
out pops a genie and he says i will grant you each one wish
so Grazz goes first and says: i wish i was in America with a great big mansion and never have to worry about money again....and puff his gone
next Dudge says: i wish i was in Hawaii with a great big mansion and never have to worry about money again....and puff his gone
that leaves naste the genie says what do you want
and he says: i want them two bloody a***holes back here right now....
;D
A father and his son are taking a bath. The son says to his father, "Dad, Why is your willy bigger then mine?" The dad replies, "Well, yours isn't erect for a start."
Quote from: Jukes on February 18, 2012, 03:29:38 PM
A father and his son are taking a bath. The son says to his father, "Dad, Why is your willy bigger then mine?" The dad replies, "Well, yours isn't erect for a start."
I don't know what to say to that joke.
Quote from: PowerBug on February 18, 2012, 04:26:16 PM
Quote from: Jukes on February 18, 2012, 03:29:38 PM
A father and his son are taking a bath. The son says to his father, "Dad, Why is your willy bigger then mine?" The dad replies, "Well, yours isn't erect for a start."
I don't know what to say to that joke.
Very disturbing would be a start... :-X
Not a great joke....
Quote from: Jukes on February 18, 2012, 03:29:38 PM
A father and his son are taking a bath. The son says to his father, "Dad, Why is your willy bigger then mine?" The dad replies, "Well, yours isn't erect for a start."
Hahahahaha, pisser.
Quote from: Jukes on February 18, 2012, 03:29:38 PM
A father and his son are taking a bath. The son says to his father, "Dad, Why is your willy bigger then mine?" The dad replies, "Well, yours isn't erect for a start."
Cutting edge humor. I like it!
Sexist/Racist/Generally sick jokes are the best :P
What is a woman doing when she is looking at a blank piece of paper?
Reading her rights
Quote from: My Chumps on February 18, 2012, 07:28:01 PM
Sexist/Racist/Generally sick jokes are the best :P
What is a woman doing when she is looking at a blank piece of paper?
Reading her rights
BAM BAM BAM!!!
Not a joke but a stat:
9 out of 10 people enjoy gang r.pe
Im getting hammered here lol. :o
Quote from: PowerBug on February 18, 2012, 09:05:46 PM
Not a joke but a stat:
9 out of 10 people enjoy gang r.pe
Heard it before, but I still love it ;D
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the sink.
Why did the woman cross the road?
Theres no roads in kitchens.
Nice :P
Did you know if you watch Cinderella backwards, it's about a women who learns her place.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, everyone knows feminists cant change a thing.
Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be open when she brings it to you.
Q. Two feminists jump off a cliff. Who wins?
A. Society.
Q. What do you say to a feminist with a job?
A. Big Mac please.
3 blondes burst into a bar all shouting at the top of their lungs 45 DAYS, 45 DAYS, 45 DAYS
they tell the bartender to open his finest bottle of champagne, the bartender curious what the commotion is all about asks them as he brings the drinks why they are yelling 45 days
so one of the blonde turns and proudly shows him there on the table a perfect puzzle picture of elmo
she says rather proudly beaming from ear to ear....the box says 3 to 5 years and us 3 did it in 45 days
What's the difference between a knife and women's rights?
A kinfe has a point :-X
Seriously though women's rights are important
Here-Here, the wifes holding a knife right now. But seriously. i don't care what u all say, we can't live without them
(http://a4.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/423867_300501796677012_168822749844918_802206_1856321610_n.jpg)
Quote from: Dudge on February 20, 2012, 11:46:41 PM
Here-Here, the wifes holding a knife right now. But seriously. i don't care what u all say, we can't live without them
So when she says jump > You say NO? but can I come down now?
Quote from: naste on February 21, 2012, 08:25:07 AM
Quote from: Dudge on February 20, 2012, 11:46:41 PM
Here-Here, the wifes holding a knife right now. But seriously. i don't care what u all say, we can't live without them
So when she says jump > You say NO? but can I come down now?
Its scary naste, you seem to be reading my mind :D But yeah youre right on the money
Been a while so a Monday morning wake up.
Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life.
As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.
One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy after life. One day he went to God and asked, “Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven.â€
God replied, “As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere.â€
I’m sorry to hear thatâ€, the good brother replied. “But I do miss him and wish I could see him again.â€
“You can see him if you wishâ€, God said “I will give you power to gaze into hell.â€
So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde. The good brother turned to God and said, “I can’t believe what I’m seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell can not be that bad.â€
God explained. “Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn’t.â€
/\ nice haha, heard it before.
Here's one;
What's the difference between aids and cancer?
I didn't give my sister cancer.
Quote from: Jukes on July 23, 2012, 01:13:18 PM
/\ nice haha, heard it before.
Here's one;
What's the difference between aids and cancer?
I didn't give my sister cancer.
I didn't know you were Tasmanian.
not a joke ,true story told to me by my mum..
when i was in kindergarden the teacher was telling us about Blue Whales. she pointed out that "The Blue Whale eats things that are no bigger than an orange". A young "upthemaidens" puts up his hand and asks " Does it peel it first?"
Quote from: bomberboy0618 on July 23, 2012, 01:15:47 PM
Quote from: Jukes on July 23, 2012, 01:13:18 PM
/\ nice haha, heard it before.
Here's one;
What's the difference between aids and cancer?
I didn't give my sister cancer.
I didn't know you were Tasmanian.
Oi lay off Tasmanians!
Quote from: upthemaidens on July 23, 2012, 04:16:41 PM
not a joke ,true story told to me by my mum..
when i was in kindergarden the teacher was telling us about Blue Whales. she pointed out that "The Blue Whale eats things that are no bigger than an orange". A young "upthemaidens" puts up his hand and asks " Does it peel it first?"
haha still a reasonable question though mate.
If they had hands lol made me laugh.
I got one about my brother and our neighbour who was washing his car and my bro was watching him
when he said 'My Dads car is better than yours" to which the neighbour replied "oh really"
My Bro then said "My Dads garden is better than yours" and the neighbour replies "Oh i see that"
This went on for a bit longer when our neighbour said to my Brother "I bet im dumber than your Dad"
To which my brother replied "No way my Dads much dumber than you"
My Dad who was gardening at the time fell about laughing and came inside to tell me and Mum what had just happened.
Never let my brother forget it.
A couple of oldies but goodies... :o
1. A guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. When he opens the door, he encounters two police officers, one of whom asks if he is married and, if so, whether he can see a picture of the wife.
The guy says "sure " and shows him a picture of his wife.
The policeman looks carefully at the picture and then gravely says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."
The guy says, "I know, but she has a great personality, is an excellent cook, and lets me play golf whenever I want to!"
2. Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the Bledisloe Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor. "Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the
only cure was testicular removal.
"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.
Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.
Wiremu was devastated, but with the Bledisloe Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last
opinion from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv prostate suckness ey"
"What's the cure thin doc?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."
"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie barbies wanted to take my test tickets off me!"
lol T Dog 2 good ones 1st one cracked me up. ;D
As the coffin was lowered into the ground at a NSW Highway Patrol Officers funeral, a voice from inside the box screams, "I'm not dead, I'm not dead.
Let me out".
The priest smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters "Too Late ar*ehole, the paperwork's already done"!!!
Short and simple jokes are the best!
What do you call a guy with no shin?
Tony (Toe-Knee)
Cant actually think of many atm >:(
Quote from: naste on July 23, 2012, 07:04:01 PM
As the coffin was lowered into the ground at a NSW Highway Patrol Officers funeral, a voice from inside the box screams, "I'm not dead, I'm not dead.
Let me out".
The priest smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters "Too Late ar*ehole, the paperwork's already done"!!!
haha shame i get that. ::)
Two men in a bar one man turns to the other and asks,
"Tell me, why do you keep pouring beer into your hand?"
The other man replies,
"I'm getting my date drunk."
Quote from: naste on July 23, 2012, 08:27:28 PM
Two men in a bar one man turns to the other and asks,
"Tell me, why do you keep pouring beer into your hand?"
The other man replies,
"I'm getting my date drunk."
Often saw naste pouring beer on his hand at Moomba, his left one to. Party animal. ::)
A Grazz and Karen are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks
over at him and asks the question....
Karen: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
Grazz: "Definitely not!"
Karen: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
Grazz: "Of course I do.."
Karen: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "
Grazz: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
Karen: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
Grazz: (makes audible groan)
Karen: "Would you live in our house?"
Grazz: "Sure, it's a great house."
Karen: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
Grazz: "Where else would we sleep?"
Karen: "Would you let her drive my car?"
Grazz: "Probably, it is almost new."
Karen: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
Grazz: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
Karen: "Would you give her my jewellery?"
Grazz: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
Karen: "Would you take her golfing with you?
Grazz: "Yes, those are always good times."
Karen: "Would she use my clubs?
Grazz: "No, she's left-handed."
Karen: -- silence --
Grazz: "sh*t."
Hahahaha!!! ;D
Love it Naste!
Dudge was meeting a Grazz in a bar and as Grazz went in, noticed two pretty girls looking at him "Nine," Grazzheard one whisper as he passed.
Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to my Dudge and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.
"I don't want to ruin it for you," Dudge said, "but when I walked in, they were speaking German.
Heres a few quickies... :o
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Lean beef.
A man walks into a bar. Ouch.
A horse walks into a bar. Barman asks "why the long face"
What a load of cr*p it is about women multi tasking .....
I just told the wife to sit down and shut up ...
Can she do it , can she bollocks !!!
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked
up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that
Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.
I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh ...
I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the
problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and
there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
lol i knew i was Cannon Fodder as soon as i wrote it something. ;)
Six Golden Rules For F***ing
1. F***ing once a week is good for your health but harmful if done every day.
2. F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind and body.
3. F***ing refreshes you.
4. After f***ing don't eat too much; go for more liquids.
5. Try to do f***ing in bed because it can save you valuable energy.
6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol level.
So remember - Fasting is good for your health - and may God cleanse your
Dirty Mind!
Quote from: naste on July 23, 2012, 09:07:58 PM
Six Golden Rules For F***ing
1. F***ing once a week is good for your health but harmful if done every day.
2. F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind and body.
3. F***ing refreshes you.
4. After f***ing don't eat too much; go for more liquids.
5. Try to do f***ing in bed because it can save you valuable energy.
6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol level.
So remember - Fasting is good for your health - and may God cleanse your
Dirty Mind!
Well if fasting is good why did you have to bleep the "ast"? :S
Damn. yeh ok i got a dirty mind. :-[
Im with you Mm i was set up. ::)
So, it's 200 years in the future, and doctors have created a device that transfers the pain thresholds away from women giving child birth, to men who are not. The product is only in the testing stages.
One day a doctor invites a couple - man and pregnant woman - into his testing room
Doctor: "OK guys so we're just gonna start off nice and slow, with the pain at 10% for the man, and 90% for the woman... How do you feel?"
Father: "Yeah I don't feel anything"
Mother: "Not great but a bit better"
Doctor: "Alright now we'll take it up to 20% for the man and 80% for the woman... How do you feel?"
Father: "Still nothing"
Mother: "Starting to get better"
Doctor: "We've now taken the device up to 50% for the man and 50% for the woman.... How do you feel?"
Father: "Yeah that feels fine"
Mother: "Much more relaxing"
The doctor continues with this and increase the pain for the father while decreasing the pain for the mother. The father does not feel a thing, and the mother gets better and better as the time goes on.
Doctor: "OK, so you've passed all the tests... We now feel safe to take it up to 100% for the man, and 0% for the woman..... How do you feel?"
Father: "Nothing at all. No pain whatsoever"
Mother: "It's like there is no baby in my belly at all."
Doctor: "Oh wow this is fantastic. Men do not feel pain of a woman's pregnancy!! We can make millions of dollars out of these and send the devices all over the world!!"
The mother and father get in the car and drive home, knowing they have contributed to history in the making. But when they get home...
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They find the milkman dead on the doorstep.
Grazz buys the new Automatic BMW X8 sport.
Grazz drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night the car just won't move at all.
Grazz tries driving the car at night for a week but still no luck.
Grazz then furiously calls the BMW dealers and they send out a technician to him, the technician asks " Sir, are you sure you are using the right gears?"
Full of anger Grazz replies: "You fool, idiot man, how you could ask such a question, I'm not stupid!! I use D for the Day and N for the Night..."
Quote from: naste on July 23, 2012, 09:26:36 PM
Grazz buys the new Automatic BMW X8 sport.
Grazz drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night the car just won't move at all.
Grazz tries driving the car at night for a week but still no luck.
Grazz then furiously calls the BMW dealers and they send out a technician to him, the technician asks " Sir, are you sure you are using the right gears?"
Full of anger Grazz replies: "You fool, idiot man, how you could ask such a question, I'm not stupid!! I use D for the Day and N for the Night..."
lol shhh had to call them out again this week cause "R" for race wasnt working. ???
Grazz & Dudge are sitting at a bar
Dudge says to the Grazz "Did you know that Lions have s*x 8 to 10 times a night?"
Grazzresponds "That figures. I just joined Rotary!"
yeh Rotary sucks and not in a good way. Pick on someone else ya barbie. :'(
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied,
'Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time
And sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'
... I just lost it.'
Last one for a while,
I was listening to the radio this morning when the host invited callers to reveal the nicknames they had for their wives.
Best call was from the chap who called his wife Harvey Norman ...
"No interest for 18 months"
hahahahaha brilliant stuff naste
Quote from: Alex7089 on September 29, 2010, 08:30:50 PM
Worst website names ever.
Who represents becomes www.whorepresents.com/
Experts Exchange becomes www.expertsexchange.com/
Pen Island becomes www.penisland.net/ (my favourite :P)
therapist finder becomes www.therapistfinder.com/
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA ;D ;D ;D
A man walks into a bar(no, he didn't duck :P) and hears piano music. He looks at the piano and but can't see anyone sitting there, so he walks over and discovers a foot-tall man standing on the piano bench playing.
The man thought that it was strange so he went over to the bartender and asked where the man came from.
"Here," said the bartender, handing the man a genie lamp, "rub this."
So the man rubbed the lamp and out came a genie.
"What do you wish for?" asks the genie.
"A million bucks," the man states, quite sure of himself.
"Ok." And the genie clapped his hands and disappeared into thin air.
The man looked around, checked his wallet but couldn't find a million bucks anywhere. That moment, a million ducks flew through the bar. The man says: "Hey! I didn't ask for a million ducks!"
"Do you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?" replied the bartender.
There were three guys, naste, Grazz & Dudge.
All 3 wanted to become secret agents. So they had to go through tests to see if they were right for the job, they did everything that came at them and passed, until they all reached their final tests.
They were given a gun, and were told they had to step inside a room and kill the sitting on the chair.
Dudge was up first. His mother was sitting on the chair when he walked in, and he just couldn't shoot her. He failed
naste was next. His father was on the chair and he too couldn't bare to shoot.
Then it came down to Grazz with his best friend on the chair.
Outside the room, the people watching the tests, heard gunshots, more gunshots and then lots of banging, crashing and screaming. Out came Grazz and he said "The gun was loaded with blanks, I had to bash the person to death". :P
Tsk Tsk Zombie
Q: Where do you go to buy zombies?
A: The monSTORE!
Q: What did the man say to his forgetful zombie wife?
A: You forgot your HEAD because it wasn't attached!
Q: Who did the zombie take out for dinner?
A: His GHOULfriend!
Q: Why did the zombie ignore all his new Facebook friends?
A: He was still DIGESTING all his old Facebook friends!
Q: What is a zombie's favorite toy?
A: A DEADY bear!
For you IT gurus out there... :o
Installing Software…
Always review the owner's manual first…
Dear Tech Support:
Years ago I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity, such as Happy Hour 64, Golf 2.3, Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6. Girlfriend 7.0 ran smoothly with all of these applications. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favourite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User.
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User,
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once Installed!
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings - Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGISE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGISE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 36.24. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
Ps. Some users have been successful with Wife 1.2 or even Wife 1.3, however, I do not recommend unless you read the owner's manual first.
Quote from: Zombie2.5 on July 24, 2012, 01:28:07 AM
There were three guys, naste, Grazz & Dudge.
All 3 wanted to become secret agents. So they had to go through tests to see if they were right for the job, they did everything that came at them and passed, until they all reached their final tests.
They were given a gun, and were told they had to step inside a room and kill the sitting on the chair.
Dudge was up first. His mother was sitting on the chair when he walked in, and he just couldn't shoot her. He failed
naste was next. His father was on the chair and he too couldn't bare to shoot.
Then it came down to Grazz with his best friend on the chair.
Outside the room, the people watching the tests, heard gunshots, more gunshots and then lots of banging, crashing and screaming. Out came Grazz and he said "The gun was loaded with blanks, I had to bash the person to death". :P
(http://i1143.photobucket.com/albums/n624/Grazz64/director.gif) See what you started naste, i would of shot Dudge to, mungrel beat me in our Moneyleague this week.(http://i1143.photobucket.com/albums/n624/Grazz64/2gunsfiring.gif)
Library Complaint
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whatlez stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"
"Yes, young man?"
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
"What was wrong with it?"
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"
The librarian nodded and said, "Ah. So you must be the person who took our phone book."
Quote from: Grazz on July 23, 2012, 08:29:47 PM
Quote from: naste on July 23, 2012, 08:27:28 PM
Two men in a bar one man turns to the other and asks,
"Tell me, why do you keep pouring beer into your hand?"
The other man replies,
"I'm getting my date drunk."
Often saw naste pouring beer on his hand at Moomba, his left one to. Party animal. ::)
Wait was reading through this wonderful and saw this post. Naste works/used to work at Moomba?
Quote from: PowerBug on July 24, 2012, 08:07:46 PM
Quote from: Grazz on July 23, 2012, 08:29:47 PM
Quote from: naste on July 23, 2012, 08:27:28 PM
Two men in a bar one man turns to the other and asks,
"Tell me, why do you keep pouring beer into your hand?"
The other man replies,
"I'm getting my date drunk."
Often saw naste pouring beer on his hand at Moomba, his left one to. Party animal. ::)
Wait was reading through this wonderful and saw this post. Naste works/used to work at Moomba?
Yes n Grazz used to be there
Quote from: naste on July 24, 2012, 09:07:05 PM
Quote from: PowerBug on July 24, 2012, 08:07:46 PM
Quote from: Grazz on July 23, 2012, 08:29:47 PM
Quote from: naste on July 23, 2012, 08:27:28 PM
Two men in a bar one man turns to the other and asks,
"Tell me, why do you keep pouring beer into your hand?"
The other man replies,
"I'm getting my date drunk."
Often saw naste pouring beer on his hand at Moomba, his left one to. Party animal. ::)
Wait was reading through this wonderful and saw this post. Naste works/used to work at Moomba?
Yes n Grazz used to be there
Ok, then my dad's probably spoken of youse haha. Small world! :o
Here's another joke in my style...
A young boy walks in on his dad jacking off. Curious and confused, he says to his dad, "Dad, what are you doing?"
"Why I'm masturbating son. You'll be doing it soon" he replied.
"Why dad?"
"Because my arm's getting tired!"
Ba dum tss
this is old and you've all heard it but couldn't resist it haha ;)
"if your Uncle Jack helped you get off an elephant, then would you help your Uncle Jack off an elephant?"
Quote from: Tominator on July 24, 2012, 09:15:19 PM
this is old and you've all heard it but couldn't resist it haha ;)
"if your Uncle Jack helped you get off an elephant, then would you help your Uncle Jack off an elephant?"
Sadly I laughed out loud at this one...
The wife asked me last night if I had a secret pet name for her.
Judging by the look on her face, 'sperm whale' was not an appropriate answer.
-------------------------------------
Just had a water fight over the park with a bunch of local kids. I won!
No one's a match for me and my kettle.
------------------------------------
They say your shoe size directly relates to your penis size.
That makes my fear of being raped by clowns even scarier.
------------------------------------
My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"
I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."
She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"
I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?"
why cant a bike stand on its own?
because it two tired................
swag +1 8)
Quote from: naste on July 24, 2012, 06:32:18 AM
Tsk Tsk Zombie
Q: Where do you go to buy zombies?
A: The monSTORE!
Q: What did the man say to his forgetful zombie wife?
A: You forgot your HEAD because it wasn't attached!
Q: Who did the zombie take out for dinner?
A: His GHOULfriend!
Q: Why did the zombie ignore all his new Facebook friends?
A: He was still DIGESTING all his old Facebook friends!
Q: What is a zombie's favorite toy?
A: A DEADY bear!
;D
again, these are all cheap, typical jokes but meh
Q: why can't you swim at St Kilda beach?
A: Cos they only have one flag ;D
Q: What's the one ship that hasn't docked at Fremantle?
A: The premiership!
Q: What's the difference between a firefighter and the Richmond Football Club?
A: A firefighter can reach the top eight rungs of a ladder!
Quote from: naste on July 24, 2012, 09:07:05 PM
Quote from: PowerBug on July 24, 2012, 08:07:46 PM
Quote from: Grazz on July 23, 2012, 08:29:47 PM
Quote from: naste on July 23, 2012, 08:27:28 PM
Two men in a bar one man turns to the other and asks,
"Tell me, why do you keep pouring beer into your hand?"
The other man replies,
"I'm getting my date drunk."
Often saw naste pouring beer on his hand at Moomba, his left one to. Party animal. ::)
Wait was reading through this wonderful and saw this post. Naste works/used to work at Moomba?
Yes n Grazz used to be there
Would like to be back there lol. :)
Quote from: Grazz on July 30, 2012, 05:37:01 PM
Quote from: naste on July 24, 2012, 09:07:05 PM
Quote from: PowerBug on July 24, 2012, 08:07:46 PM
Quote from: Grazz on July 23, 2012, 08:29:47 PM
Quote from: naste on July 23, 2012, 08:27:28 PM
Two men in a bar one man turns to the other and asks,
"Tell me, why do you keep pouring beer into your hand?"
The other man replies,
"I'm getting my date drunk."
Often saw naste pouring beer on his hand at Moomba, his left one to. Party animal. ::)
Wait was reading through this wonderful and saw this post. Naste works/used to work at Moomba?
Yes n Grazz used to be there
Would like to be back there lol. :)
Want me to listen out for ya Casual or Perm
Quote from: naste on July 30, 2012, 06:16:41 PM
Quote from: Grazz on July 30, 2012, 05:37:01 PM
Quote from: naste on July 24, 2012, 09:07:05 PM
Quote from: PowerBug on July 24, 2012, 08:07:46 PM
Quote from: Grazz on July 23, 2012, 08:29:47 PM
Quote from: naste on July 23, 2012, 08:27:28 PM
Two men in a bar one man turns to the other and asks,
"Tell me, why do you keep pouring beer into your hand?"
The other man replies,
"I'm getting my date drunk."
Often saw naste pouring beer on his hand at Moomba, his left one to. Party animal. ::)
Wait was reading through this wonderful and saw this post. Naste works/used to work at Moomba?
Yes n Grazz used to be there
Would like to be back there lol. :)
Want me to listen out for ya Casual or Perm
Yeh do that naste, either way prefer permanent.
Quote from: Spinking on July 24, 2012, 09:16:28 PM
Quote from: Tominator on July 24, 2012, 09:15:19 PM
this is old and you've all heard it but couldn't resist it haha ;)
"if your Uncle Jack helped you get off an elephant, then would you help your Uncle Jack off an elephant?"
Sadly I laughed out loud at this one...
I told this to a guy at my school and he didn't get it for like 8 hours (til he Facebooked just about all of his friends and one of them explained it to him hahaha) ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Ball Size
... After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's recreational preferences:
1.
The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: basketball.
2.
The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: bowling.
3.
The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is: football.
4.
The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball.
5.
The sport of choice for middle management is: tennis.
6.
The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf.
Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
The jokes on us for picking Broughton this year. ::)
probs already been said...
Joke: My 2012 DT.
I got a joke...
Port Adelaide
Iraq Recruit.
Mick Malthouse the coach of Collingwood Magpies gets wind of potential young recruit who lives in Iraq. Malthouse and the Magpies recruiting Manager catch a plane to the troubled Iraq capital Baghdad and track the young boy down.
They risk life and limb dodging car bombs, bullets and grenades but finally find him and convince him to come to Australia.
The boy does a full pre-season, plays all the practice matches and gets picked on the bench in the seniors for the first game of the year.
Ten minutes into the first quarter, Nathan Buckley goes down with a severe knee injury. Malthouse turns to the boy and says "This is it son, go to the centre half forward and show us what you can do."
The boy proceeds to play the greatest debut game in AFL history. He kicks 9 goals, takes mark of the year, and kicks the winning goal after the siren from outside 50.
The Magpies chair him off the ground and give him three cheers back in the rooms. Malthouse tells the team what the boy from Iraq has been through and he is a model lesson for all.
Malthouse then pulls the boy aside and says "Go into my office son, ring your Mother and tell her what you did today."
He proceeds to do so. "Mum", he says down the phone, "Guess what I did today?"
"I don't care what you did today." His Mother replies. "I tell you what happened here today", she goes on. "Your Dad was stabbed and robbed, our house was torched, our car blown up, your sister was attacked and your brother was abducted."
"Gee" says the boy. "I feel a bit responsible for what happened."
The Mother replies "So you should be, if it wasn't for you we would never have shifted to Collingwood."
I have durable hamstrings.... lol jks I play for Essendon ;D
Quote from: T Dog on August 01, 2012, 12:05:37 PM
Iraq Recruit.
Mick Malthouse the coach of Collingwood Magpies gets wind of potential young recruit who lives in Iraq. Malthouse and the Magpies recruiting Manager catch a plane to the troubled Iraq capital Baghdad and track the young boy down.
They risk life and limb dodging car bombs, bullets and grenades but finally find him and convince him to come to Australia.
The boy does a full pre-season, plays all the practice matches and gets picked on the bench in the seniors for the first game of the year.
Ten minutes into the first quarter, Nathan Buckley goes down with a severe knee injury. Malthouse turns to the boy and says "This is it son, go to the centre half forward and show us what you can do."
The boy proceeds to play the greatest debut game in AFL history. He kicks 9 goals, takes mark of the year, and kicks the winning goal after the siren from outside 50.
The Magpies chair him off the ground and give him three cheers back in the rooms. Malthouse tells the team what the boy from Iraq has been through and he is a model lesson for all.
Malthouse then pulls the boy aside and says "Go into my office son, ring your Mother and tell her what you did today."
He proceeds to do so. "Mum", he says down the phone, "Guess what I did today?"
"I don't care what you did today." His Mother replies. "I tell you what happened here today", she goes on. "Your Dad was stabbed and robbed, our house was torched, our car blown up, your sister was attacked and your brother was abducted."
"Gee" says the boy. "I feel a bit responsible for what happened."
The Mother replies "So you should be, if it wasn't for you we would never have shifted to Collingwood."
Classic!! Haha ;D
Quote from: Tominator on July 31, 2012, 11:11:04 PM
I got a joke...
Port Adelaide
Bahahaha, what a joke! 8)
A couple of Adelaide hunters are out in the bush when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile and calls the triple ooo. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?â€
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.†There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
Quote from: T Dog on August 06, 2012, 09:49:17 AM
A couple of Adelaide hunters are out in the bush when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile and calls the triple ooo. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?â€
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.†There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
hahahahha! should've said it was in Elizabeth or Snowtown lol ::)
Could have been worse..I was going to start it with.. "a couple of port adelaide coaches are in the rooms after a game ..."
For all you rugby fans...
A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must
confess darling, I was a hooker!'.
He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit
that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.
She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I was a football player!'.
;D
Quote from: T Dog on August 08, 2012, 11:25:14 AM
For all you soccer fans...
A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must
confess darling, I was a hooker!'.
He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit
that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.
She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I was a football player!'.
;D
That's rugby not soccer ::)
sorted.. :-[
A father and his son go to a bar. His poor unfortunate son was born as just a head- nothing below his neck. ( It was his sons 18th) Dad buys his son a beer and gives him a drink- BAM two arms appear, son says look dad i got arms, i got arms. Dad is the happiest man on earth, he can't beleive it. He buys his lad another beer, and BAM, a body appears. Son sceams in joy, look dad i got a body. His dad can't beleive it again, He buys his son another beer BAM two legs appear. The son is hysterical with joy, he jumps off the bar, runs outside cheering, crosses the road and bang, a semi cleans him up and he's toast. The moral of the story is - quit while you're a head
Collingwood Fan in Heaven
A Collingwood fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Collingwood jumper. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St Peter in a St.Kilda scarf.
"Hello, mate," says St Peter, "I'm sorry, no Collingwood fans in heaven."
"What?" exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard. No Collingwood fans."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man," replies the Collingwood supporter.
"Oh, really?" says St Peter. "What have you done then?"
"Well," says the guy, "three weeks before I died, I gave 20 bucks to the starving children in Africa."
"Oh," says St Peter. "Anything else?"
"Well, two weeks before I died, I also gave 20 bucks to the homeless.
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died, I gave 20 bucks to the Albanian orphans. "Okay," says St Peter, "you wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."
Ten minutes pass before St Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me.
Here's your sixty bucks back, now rack off."
nice tdog
A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500.00. So they spent the night together. In the morning before he left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment." On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he sent a cheque for $250.00 and enclosed a note:
**********************
Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a cheque in the amount of $250.00 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1. It had never been occupied.
2. There was plenty of heat.
3. It was small enough to make me cosy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had be previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following reply.....
****************************
Dear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful
apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord. I will expect full payment due immediately or I will be forced to hire someone to remove your furniture.
A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told
him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her
a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life. That evening he
called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that
they be delivered first thing the next morning. As the florist was preparing
the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer,
he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.
The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.
A Collingwood supporter walks into a bric-a-brac shop and sees an ornamental brass rat, the sort of thing women of a certain age love to put on the mantlepiece. He thinks "that'll be perfect for his Mother's birthday", so he asks the shopkeeper how much it is.
"$25 for the rat, $100 for the story", replies the man.
"Forget the story" says the magpie supporter, and so buys the rat for 25 bucks. He walks off down the road, but has not gone 30 metres when a rat comes up from the gutter and starts to follow him. Soon more arrive, and in a few minutes the whole street is a sea of rats, all following the bloke, who keeps walking until he comes to a cliff. He throws the brass rat over, and millions of rats follow, one after each other, plunging to certain death. The bloke them runs back to shop.....
"Aaaah", says the shop keeper, "you'll be back for the story"
"Screw the story - do you have a brass West Coast fan?"
Quote from: T Dog on August 12, 2012, 10:00:14 PM
A Collingwood supporter walks into a bric-a-brac shop and sees an ornamental brass rat, the sort of thing women of a certain age love to put on the mantlepiece. He thinks "that'll be perfect for his Mother's birthday", so he asks the shopkeeper how much it is.
"$25 for the rat, $100 for the story", replies the man.
"Forget the story" says the magpie supporter, and so buys the rat for 25 bucks. He walks off down the road, but has not gone 30 metres when a rat comes up from the gutter and starts to follow him. Soon more arrive, and in a few minutes the whole street is a sea of rats, all following the bloke, who keeps walking until he comes to a cliff. He throws the brass rat over, and millions of rats follow, one after each other, plunging to certain death. The bloke them runs back to shop.....
"Aaaah", says the shop keeper, "you'll be back for the story"
"Screw the story - do you have a brass West Coast fan?"
Hahaha not bad. Could have substituted any sporting team in there though :P
Yeh, should have gone Carlton over West Coast fan..lol.. :o
The World's Easiest Quiz (not)
Have a pop at what immediately appears to be the world's easiest quiz. To pass, you need five correct answers (answers at the bottom of the page):
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What colour is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Answers below...
And here are the answers:
1) (How long did the Hundred Years War last?) 116 years
2) (Which country makes Panama hats?) Ecuador
3) (From which animal do we get catgut?) Sheep and Horses
4) (In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?) November
5) (What is a camel's hair brush made of?) Squirrel fur
6) (The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?) Dogs
7) (What was King George VI's first name?) Albert
8) (What colour is a purple finch?) Crimson
9) (Where are Chinese gooseberries from?) New Zealand
10) (What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?) Orange, of course
lol I got 2 answers right on that.
Hilarious Tdog - that quiz had me in stiches!!
i got 3 right but should have got 4 (didn't think of it straight away :( ) that was one hard quiz!!!
Here's a brilliant joke;
How do you know when your sister is on her period?
Your dad's c*** tastes like blood.
Way too far but made me lol
A few quickies
1.A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
2. ''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shtzu.''
3. ''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''
4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
Had a laugh reading all these. I've only got one that I tell now and then. Got it off Hey hey its Saturday in the Eighties with Australia's original okka Maurie Fields.
A larrikin miner who was working in the mines in the Pilbara region arrives in Sydney and walks into a plush bar in the Rocks. The barmaid (quite a good looker) says to the larrikin "what would you like." Larrikin replies I'll have a schooner thanks".
He's been out bush for a while and he's a bit toey so he comes straight out and asks "How about going out with me tonight for $100. No funny biz I'm just after company." She replies with "forget it pal" and goes on with her duties. A while later she thinking she's a little short this week paying the bills etc and he's a nice guy and quite good looking. She's thinking and finally goes back to the guy and says "Pick me up after work"
They go out for the night and they both have a great time as the larrikin is a great guy so she's having fun so she says to herself what the heck lets go for it. They end up sowing their wild oats and having a good time.
The following day the larrikin arrives in the bar at the same time and is straight up and says another $100. The barmaid who has had a great time with him is eager "You bet".
This goes on for three nights and the barmaid has a grin on her like a Cheshire cat with the larrikan arriving on the 4th day at the same time. She's waiting for the next "hungy". Nothing forthcoming so she asks "What up" He replies and says he's got no more money. She's a bit disappointed but likes the guy so starts talking about where his is from. He says he's been working in the mines in the Pilbura region. Excited about this she says that her brother is doing that.
HE REPLIES YEP HE GAVE ME $300 TO GIVE TO YOU.
After spending all day watching soccer, Harry fell asleep in front of the TV and spent the whole night in the chair. In the morning, his wife woke him up.
"Get up dear," she said, "it's 20 to seven."
He awoke with a start and said, "In who's favor?"
Statistics, damned lies and statistics....
1. Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed
2. All polar bears are left-handed
3. If your car is stolen, there's a 10 percent chance it was taken by a Polar bear
1. 39 percent of unemployed men wear spectacles
2. 80 percent of employed men wear spectacles
3. Work stuffs up your eyesight
1. All dogs are animals
2. All cats are animals
3. Therefore, all dogs are cats
1. A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second
2. Ten babies are conceived around the world every second
3. Each time you open a can, you stand a 1 in 400 chance of becoming pregnant
A man walks into a bar with a dog dressed in Carlton gear and says to the barkeep "Please let us watch the Carlton game here, our tv is broken and my dog is a big Blues fan."
The barman thinks about it and says "Ok, but I don't want any problems with the dog."
The man agrees and the game starts. After a long while the Blues kick a goal and the dog gets up and high-fives every person at the bar. The barman rushes over and says " That's amazing. What does the dog do when they win a game?"
The man scratched his head and said " I don't know, I've only had him for three years."
Whats the difference between Melbourne and a pyromaniac?
A pyromaniac doesn't waste 22 matches.
:(
A man walked into the bar and the bartender sees him
whats wrong with you the bartender asks
ah i got a flippin headache
oh yeah when I have somthing like that I go home and have sex with my wife you should try it said the bartender
ok the man said
next day the man turns up with a huge grin on his face
so how did it go asks the bartender
oh great you have a big house LOL
superman was flying around town when he saw wonderwoman naked on a rooftop
he flew down had sex with her then flew off
what the hell was that asked wonderwoman
the invisible man replies I don't know but man i have a sore arse :) :) :) :D :D :D
If AFL teams were women
•Sydney would be J-Lo - Quality all over, but especially good down back.
•West Coast would be Kylie Minogue - very decent despite not having much up front.
•Fremantle would be Danii Minogue - Always trying hard to be as good as her big sister, but will never measure up. The butt of everyone's jokes.
•St Kilda would be Krystal from Big Brother - has the biggest and best assets going around, but we all know they're not the real deal.
•Brisbane would be Elle MacPherson - past her glorious best but still easy on the eye and an old favourite with most.
•Port Power would be Madonna - also past her glorious best, but refuses to accept it gracefully.
•Carlton would be Whitney Houston - has not looked after herself in recent years and has gone completely off the rails.
•Adelaide would be Delta Goodrem - tidy, attractive, professional and uncontroversial. Nice to look at, but for some reason just makes you want to yawn.
•Geelong would be Britney Spears - at times can look stunning, at others it can get ugly.
•Essendon would be Katie Holmes - has a certifiable psycho in charge of her every move. Has lost credibility in recent times
•The Kangaroos would be Paris Hilton - lays down way too easily.
•Richmond would be Annabel Chong - can cop a pounding and keep coming back for more, all in the name of self-improvement.
•Western Bulldogs would be Shakira - proof that being short is no Barrier to getting you excited. Will only get better too.
•Hawthorn would be Christina Aguilera - looks like she enjoys it rough and dirty.
•Melbourne would be Princess Di - may be a blue blood, but hasn't done anything for a while.
•Collingwood would be Amelie Mauresmo - last woman on Earth scenario: you still wouldn't
Enjoyed that T Dog!
Reminds me of an old Alex Williamson video...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VuK6KIY2MiI (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VuK6KIY2MiI)
(a bit outdated, but still flowering hilarious)
Quote from: T Dog on August 17, 2012, 10:47:24 PM
If AFL teams were women
•Sydney would be J-Lo - Quality all over, but especially good down back.
•West Coast would be Kylie Minogue - very decent despite not having much up front.
•Fremantle would be Danii Minogue - Always trying hard to be as good as her big sister, but will never measure up. The butt of everyone's jokes.
•St Kilda would be Krystal from Big Brother - has the biggest and best assets going around, but we all know they're not the real deal.
•Brisbane would be Elle MacPherson - past her glorious best but still easy on the eye and an old favourite with most.
•Port Power would be Madonna - also past her glorious best, but refuses to accept it gracefully.
•Carlton would be Whitney Houston - has not looked after herself in recent years and has gone completely off the rails.
•Adelaide would be Delta Goodrem - tidy, attractive, professional and uncontroversial. Nice to look at, but for some reason just makes you want to yawn.
•Geelong would be Britney Spears - at times can look stunning, at others it can get ugly.
•Essendon would be Katie Holmes - has a certifiable psycho in charge of her every move. Has lost credibility in recent times
•The Kangaroos would be Paris Hilton - lays down way too easily.
•Richmond would be Annabel Chong - can cop a pounding and keep coming back for more, all in the name of self-improvement.
•Western Bulldogs would be Shakira - proof that being short is no Barrier to getting you excited. Will only get better too.
•Hawthorn would be Christina Aguilera - looks like she enjoys it rough and dirty.
•Melbourne would be Princess Di - may be a blue blood, but hasn't done anything for a while.
•Collingwood would be Amelie Mauresmo - last woman on Earth scenario: you still wouldn't
Bit outdated, if you're calling Hirdy a psycho I'll get you :P.
Bit outdated, if you're calling Hirdy a psycho I'll get you :P.
[/quote]
Oh c'mon BB...look at him really closely...its not a steely glare in his eyes you see...its the inner tortured madness of a serial killer.... 8)
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper.
I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
This is a long one: A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I got somethin' I bet you never seen before." And then the bartender said, "Well I don't know, I've seen a lot of things." So the man put a little pet carrier on the bar, opened it, and then a 12-inch tall man walked out. Then the man placed a miniature grand piano on the bar. The 12-inch man started playing it. The bartender was amazed and asked, "Where'd you get that?!" The man replied, "There's a genie who will grant you any one wish you have. He's just next door." So the bartender went to the genie and the genie agreed to grant him one wish. The man wished for, "a million bucks." The genie then nodded and 1 million ducks started falling from the sky. The bartender went back to his bar to talk to the man who owned the 12-inch man. The bartender said, "Man, I think that genie's hard of hearing or something. I asked for a million bucks and he gave me a million ducks." The man replied, "Well duh he's hard of hearing! Did you think I went in there and wished for a 12-inch pianist?"
Think about it... Think about it ;)
Quote from: elephants on August 19, 2012, 09:17:51 PM
This is a long one: A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I got somethin' I bet you never seen before." And then the bartender said, "Well I don't know, I've seen a lot of things." So the man put a little pet carrier on the bar, opened it, and then a 12-inch tall man walked out. Then the man placed a miniature grand piano on the bar. The 12-inch man started playing it. The bartender was amazed and asked, "Where'd you get that?!" The man replied, "There's a genie who will grant you any one wish you have. He's just next door." So the bartender went to the genie and the genie agreed to grant him one wish. The man wished for, "a million bucks." The genie then nodded and 1 million ducks started falling from the sky. The bartender went back to his bar to talk to the man who owned the 12-inch man. The bartender said, "Man, I think that genie's hard of hearing or something. I asked for a million bucks and he gave me a million ducks." The man replied, "Well duh he's hard of hearing! Did you think I went in there and wished for a 12-inch pianist?"
Think about it... Think about it ;)
This joke is already in this thread like one or two pages back.
^^^ Forgiven as it WAS his birthday recently
Ooops sorry lads, should've been following along :-[ :)
Job Application
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
After Ele's big night last night a few jokes that Fev used on the red carpet about him
Q. What do you call ele when he is wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
A: Anything you want, he can't hear you.
Q: Why does ele drink so much?
A: To try to forget.
what do u call 2 grasshoppers trying to win d/t- s/c?
GRAZZhoppers- i made that up,- - here come the boo's lol. Don't forget Saturday mate if ur free-3:oo pm
Quote from: T Dog on August 21, 2012, 05:08:26 PM
After Ele's big night last night a few jokes that Fev used on the red carpet about him
Q. What do you call ele when he is wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
A: Anything you want, he can't hear you.
Q: Why does ele drink so much?
A: To try to forget.
hahaha nice mate ;D
I'm sorry, couldn't contain myself. The m0nty medal after party started at the conlusion of round 1 for me. All my votes came in round 1 :P
Some shockers to use when you need to butt in to a conversation..
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
What happened when the cow jumped over a barbed wire fence?
Utter destruction!
What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown?
Does this taste funny to you?
Quote from: T Dog on August 22, 2012, 09:46:06 AM
What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
Wouldn't it be 25? hahhahah ::)
Quote from: T Dog on August 22, 2012, 09:46:06 AM
What happened when the cow jumped over a barbed wire fence?
Utter destruction!
Shouldnt it be Udder destruction?
Hahaha to be fair T Dog has contributed a truckload of jokes to this thread, I think we can let him off ;)
We needn't hound him. (Get it? T-DOG... Hound - Classic! :D)
No doubt, i have been checking this page regularly now for Tdogs specials...
Quote from: elephants on August 22, 2012, 10:25:08 PM
Hahaha to be fair T Dog has contributed a truckload of jokes to this thread, I think we can let him off ;)
We needn't hound him. (Get it? T-DOG... Hound - Classic! :D)
Oh dear..as bad as some of the jokes..lol
A joke to remind you to pay your debts...
Nick the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession to caress the beautiful Queen's voluptuous
breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor.
Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to have Horatio the Physician arrange it and that he would gladly pay the 1,000 gold coins for the chance to satisfy his desires for the Queen.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's massive brassiere while she was
taking a bath. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for several hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer had present the antidote to curb the itch.
King Arthur quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put it into his mouth, and for the next four hours, worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer could have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into King Arthur's loincloth. King Arthur quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer and for the next several hours ...
A few famous names you may have heard of.....
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! it's the '90's!, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.
If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elto John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.
If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.
How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.
If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.
Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.
If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.
If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.
If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose Tu the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.
If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.
If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard, "Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy."
I don't think this one has been said..... so many pages to look through now!
One day, a golfer and a priest were out playing golf. The golfer was to start first.
The golfer swung and missed, and shouted:
"JESUS CHRIST I MISSED!"
Enraged, the priest proclaimed:
"Do not use such language, or the lord will strike you down!"
The golfer lined up again, swung and missed, then shouted:
"JESUS CHRIST I MISSED!"
The priest in disbelief, then proclaimed:
"Do not use the name of the lord in vain or you shall be smited!"
The golfer lined up for a third time, swung and missed, and screamed:
"JESUS CHRIST I MISSED!"
Then all of a sudden, the skies grew dark and a massive lightning bolt struck the priest!
A ray of sunlight then shone on the golfer and the spasming corpse of the priest, and a big deep booming voice shouted:
"JESUS CHRIST I MISSED!"
Wayne Swan walked into a branch of HSBC to cash a cheque. As he approached
the cashier he said "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for
me"?
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Swan: "Well I didn't bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any
need to. I am Wayne Swan, the Deputy Prime Minister!!!"
Cashier: "I'm sorry, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the
banks because of impostors and forgers, etc. I must insist on proof of
identity."
Swan: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you.
Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry Deputy Prime Minister but these are the bank rules and
I must follow them."
Swan: "But I need this cheque cashed, its very important"
Cashier: "Perhaps there's another way: One day Adam Scott came into the
bank without ID.
To prove he was Adam Scott he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful
shot across the bank into a cup.
With that particular shot we knew him to be Adam Scott and cashed his
cheque.
Another time, Leighton Hewitt came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis
racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup.
With that spectacular aim we cashed his cheque..
So sir, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the
Deputy
Prime Minister?"
Swan stood there thinking and finally says:
"Honestly, I can't think of a single thing I'm good at."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, Deputy Prime Minister?"
Where is the rake?
I was doing garden work this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower.
I realised that I couldn't find the rake. I yelled up to my wife, "Where is the rake?"
She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?" I pointed to my eye, and then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.
My wife wasn't sure and said "What?"
I repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"
My wife replied that she understands and signals back.
She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one.
Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?
She replies,
"Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush"--
Grazz walks into his boss’s office. “Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies very interested in me â€" they're constantly calling, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.†After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Grazz happily gets up to leave. â€By the way,†asks the boss as Grazz is getting up, “which three companies keep calling you?†"If you must know," says Grazz, "It's the electric company, water company, and phone company."
For Elle
Why do Ducks have web feet? To stamp out fires...... Why do Elephants have round feet? To stamp out flaming Ducks...
A man walks into a bar
it knocks him to the floor...
I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Mourning?."
He said, "No, just taking a poo."
Alright, time for my contribution.
A woman was tragically ina severe car crash and so was in hospital in a critical condition. When examining her a nurse inadvertently touches her breasts, and as a result the heart rate monitor suddenly spikes. After pondering this, she calls in the woman's husband. "I'm afraid it's not good news" she said, "your wife's in a critical condition". After explaining what occurred, she tells the man that some oral sex may give her heart the boost that she needs. The nurse leaves, giving the couple some privacy. After a while she comes back, she sees the woman's heart was flat lining and her husband distraught. "What happened?" she asked. The husband through his sobs explained that "she must have choked"
A piece of strong walks into a bar " Can i have a pint of bitter he says?"
Bar man" Wtf are you?!"
String "Well im a piece of string of course"
Bar man" **** off, we dont serve string here"
So the string goes outside all upset , and decided to wait an hour and try again;
String: "Hi, erm, can i have a pint of bitter please?"
Barman " Your that same piece of string from before arn't you! go on **** off"
So the string goes outside, and decides to ruffle up his hair, and tie himself up abit, then trys again...
" Hi, can i have a pint of bitter please?"
Barman: "Your that same piece of string from before arn't you!"
String: "No sorry, Im afrayed knot!"
;D ;D ;D ;D
A duck and a chicken were at the side of the road. The duck was about to cross when the chicken said "Dont do it mate, you'll never hear the end of it"
If you have a green ball in the left hand and a green ball in the right. What do you have?
Kermit the frog’s undivided attention..... :o
Quote from: T Dog on August 27, 2012, 05:17:06 PM
If you have a green ball in the left hand and a green ball in the right. What do you have?
Kermit the frog’s undivided attention..... :o
What's green and smells like bacon?
Kermit's finger ;)
Quote from: T Dog on August 26, 2012, 02:29:38 PM
A piece of strong walks into a bar " Can i have a pint of bitter he says?"
Bar man" Wtf are you?!"
String "Well im a piece of string of course"
Bar man" **** off, we dont serve string here"
So the string goes outside all upset , and decided to wait an hour and try again;
String: "Hi, erm, can i have a pint of bitter please?"
Barman " Your that same piece of string from before arn't you! go on **** off"
So the string goes outside, and decides to ruffle up his hair, and tie himself up abit, then trys again...
" Hi, can i have a pint of bitter please?"
Barman: "Your that same piece of string from before arn't you!"
String: "No sorry, Im afrayed knot!"
;D ;D ;D ;D
That is possibly the worst hence the best joke I have ever heard ;D
Worst joke I have ever heard is this...
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea â€" one called Justin & the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed & threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, “I’m fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn’t have any worries about being eaten.â€
A large mysterious cod appeared & said, “Your wish is granted†& lo & behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it invariably does) & Justin found life as a shark boring & lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn’t realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again & he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod & begged to be changed back, & lo & behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends & bought them all a cocktail.
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn’t see his old pal. “Where’s Christian?†he asked.
“He’s at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a sharkâ€,came the reply.
Eager to put things right again & end the mutual pain & torture, he set off to Christian’s abode.
As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door & shouted, “It’s me, Justin, your old friend, come out & see me again.â€
Christian replied,â€No way man, you’ll eat me. You’re now a shark, the enemy, & I’ll not be tricked into being your dinner.â€
Justin cried back “No, I’m not. That was the old me. I’ve changed….
I’ve found Cod. I’m a Prawn again Christian.â€
Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million pounds you've only got one life-line left â€"phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question, will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush
c) Magpie
d) Cuckoo
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''so I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple, It's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is"
There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer, Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy, how in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
"Because he lives in a fookin clock!"
Why did the chicken cross the road, roll around in the mud, then cross the road again?
Because he was a dirty double crossing chicken!
Quote from: T Dog on August 29, 2012, 09:24:37 AM
Why did the chicken cross the road, roll around in the mud, then cross the road again?
Because he was a dirty double crossing chicken!
LOL!
I like that one ;D
A parrot walks into a bar and says can i have a pot? The barman says no we dont serve parrots. The next day the parrot goes in and asks for another pot and gets the same response. Then by the fifth time the barman says if you come in and ask one more time i'm gonna nail you to that door. So the next day the parrot walks in and says have you got any nails and the barman replies no, so the parrot says i'll have a pot then please
;D
Quote from: CrowsFan on August 27, 2012, 05:29:29 PM
Quote from: T Dog on August 27, 2012, 05:17:06 PM
If you have a green ball in the left hand and a green ball in the right. What do you have?
Kermit the frog’s undivided attention..... :o
What's green and smells like bacon?
Kermit's finger ;)
Ahahahaha, filthy CF ;)
Can't say I understand your other joke though... ???
Q. What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead Collingwood supporter on the road?
A. There's skid marks in front of the dog ;)
Quote from: My Chumps on August 29, 2012, 09:06:27 PM
Quote from: CrowsFan on August 27, 2012, 05:29:29 PM
Quote from: T Dog on August 27, 2012, 05:17:06 PM
If you have a green ball in the left hand and a green ball in the right. What do you have?
Kermit the frog’s undivided attention..... :o
What's green and smells like bacon?
Kermit's finger ;)
Ahahahaha, filthy CF ;)
Can't say I understand your other joke though... ???
As I said it is the worst joke in the world. But basically the punchline is referring to people who say they have found GOD and are BORN again CHRISTIANS. Whereas he is saying he found the COD and is a PRAWN again to his best mate CHRISTIAN. Stupid play on words ;)
Why was the washing machine laughing???
He was taking the piss out of the knickers
Quote from: B.S on August 30, 2012, 01:24:31 AM
He was taking the piss out of the knickers
Haha I'm happy with that one BS!
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".
"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.
"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."
She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".
"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"
so i told her to **** off
;D ;D ;D ;D
^^
lmao that's gold
Hahahaha, nice one T Dog! ;D
Quote from: CrowsFan on August 29, 2012, 10:01:26 PM
Quote from: My Chumps on August 29, 2012, 09:06:27 PM
Quote from: CrowsFan on August 27, 2012, 05:29:29 PM
Quote from: T Dog on August 27, 2012, 05:17:06 PM
If you have a green ball in the left hand and a green ball in the right. What do you have?
Kermit the frog’s undivided attention..... :o
What's green and smells like bacon?
Kermit's finger ;)
Ahahahaha, filthy CF ;)
Can't say I understand your other joke though... ???
As I said it is the worst joke in the world. But basically the punchline is referring to people who say they have found GOD and are BORN again CHRISTIANS. Whereas he is saying he found the COD and is a PRAWN again to his best mate CHRISTIAN. Stupid play on words ;)
Ahhh, okay. I got the COD = God and Christian is Christian, but I missed the Prawn being born...
A bad pun's a good pun ;)
A book just fell on my head.
I’ve only got myshelf to blame.
8)
What's round and angry?
A vicious Circle!
;D
Why was the washing machine laughing?..........
. . . Because it was taking the piss out of the pants!
Quote from: T Dog on August 31, 2012, 07:49:39 PM
Why was the washing machine laughing?..........
. . . Because it was taking the piss out of the pants!
That joke was used just a few posts above you ;)
That joke was used just a few posts above you ;)
[/quote]
:-[ :-[ apologies BS
I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name.
A busty blonde goes into the post office to make a call to her mother overseas. When the man tells her it will cost $100, she exclaims, "I don't have any money! But I'd do anything to get a message to my mother." The man arches an eyebrow, "Anything?" he asks. "Yes, yes, anything," The blonde promises. "Well then, just follow me," says the man. The pair go into a back room. "Get on your knees," says the man. She does so. "Now take it out of my trousers," he says. She reaches in and grabs it with both hands, then pauses. The man closes his eyes and whispers, "Go ahead." The blonde slowly brings her mouth closer to it and tentatively says... "Hello? Mum, can you hear me?"
;D ;D ;D
Just had a water fight with a bunch of local kids - I won!!
... No match for me and my kettle. 8)
Quote from: My Chumps on July 24, 2012, 09:21:15 PM
Just had a water fight over the park with a bunch of local kids. I won!
No one's a match for me and my kettle.
Stealing my jokes :P
Rockliff.
Nuff said :P
Chuck norris once uppercutted a horse
Its descendants are now known as the giraffe :P
Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer
Too bad he doesn't cry :P
Don't think we should be starting Chuck Norris jokes... But this is the truth so it's ok ;)
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door
WTF? I'm speechless...
Oh my. Might want to delete that Jukes. Kids on here.
Delete what ;)
I'm currently getting a full body tattoo, it's going to be of me but taller.
Chuck Norris doesn't breathe... He holds the air hostage!
What do you call 2 Collingwood supporters driving off a cliff in a van?
A bloody waste, you can fit 5 in the back...
got two jokes from the 8th of September 2012
Geelong and Adelaide
Quote from: DT Gun on September 07, 2012, 12:29:43 AM
What do you call 2 Collingwood supporters driving off a cliff in a van?
A bloody waste, you can fit 5 in the back...
Hahaha I usually hate Collingwood jokes but that is quality ;D
Quote from: tbagrocks on September 08, 2012, 10:34:12 PM
got two jokes from the 8th of September 2012
Geelong and Adelaide
Yeah had a little giggle at both :o
I see Coldplay were performing at The Paralympics closing ceremony.
The deaf at the stadium are now the envy of everyone
;D ;D
Q. How many North Melbourne fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Seven - one to change it, five to moan about it and make excuses and Brad Scott to say that if the umpire had done his job in the first place the light bulb would never have gone out.
8)
Quote from: elephants on September 09, 2012, 12:38:51 AM
Quote from: DT Gun on September 07, 2012, 12:29:43 AM
What do you call 2 Collingwood supporters driving off a cliff in a van?
A bloody waste, you can fit 5 in the back...
Hahaha I usually hate Collingwood jokes but that is quality ;D
;D The Robot
A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man responds, "about a 100."
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, Bathurst1000, cricket, supermodels, favourite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."
And the robot says ... real slowly ...
So ......... ya gonna follow Collingwood again this year?"
A Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife,whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband.
PS. Sure is hot down here. 8) 8)
Hahahaha love it T Dog ;D
Shouldn't the question be how many MEN does it take to open a beer?
Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin' to an envelope for?" "I'm sending avoicemail ya thick sod!" ;D
Two Thai girls asked me if " i would like to go to bed with them ", they said it would be just like winning the lottery !. I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls !!!
An bloke has just moved in next door.
He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain.
It came as no surprise to learn his name is Bindair Dundat..... ;D
Quote from: Dudge on September 13, 2012, 10:21:21 PM
Two Thai girls asked me if " i would like to go to bed with them ", they said it would be just like winning the lottery !. I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls !!!
Hahaha great one, haven't heard that before ;D
I've just written a book on reverse psychology; but it's shower and you shouldn't buy it. ;D ;D ;D
How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?
None - it should be open by the time she gives it to you !
I went to the Doctor's the other day and he said I was paranoid... well he never actually said it, but that's what he was thinking.. >:(
"$25 a month for a homeless child?" The charity mugger in the street asked.
After talking to her for ten minutes, and giving her my card details and address I asked...
"So, when can i expect delivery of them then?" 8)
Paddy and Mick drove to London to donate sperm.
It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.
The operator asks "How many people are flying with you ?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! Its your bloody plane!"
Dudge and Grazz are working on a building site.
Dudge says to Grazz "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"
Grazz watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Dudge you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site.
Grazz starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Grazz..
Quote from: naste on September 16, 2012, 01:27:53 PM
Dudge and Grazz are working on a building site.
Dudge says to Grazz "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"
Grazz watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Dudge you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site.
Grazz starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Grazz..
LOL
GOLD!!!!
Quote from: naste on September 16, 2012, 01:23:49 PM
Paddy and Mick drove to London to donate sperm.
It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!
HA!
Good from you Naste! ;D
I went to see the Red Arrows today.
There were gasps of "Ooh" and "Aah" as the crowds watched on in amazement. Near miss after near miss had some people covering their eyes and shaking their heads in disbelief.
It was a good half hour's worth of entertainment, but in the end, my wife finally managed to park the car and we made our way to the air show. 8) 8)
Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name ?"
Mick replies "Miles, from Dublin!"
Grazz and his wife Karen are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden.
Grazz says "To hell with this!" and storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and Karen asks "What did you do?"
Grazz replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says "You know what I want don't you ?"
"Yeah," says Paddy.. "The whole friggin' bed by the looks of it!"
Quote from: naste on September 16, 2012, 05:37:57 PM
Grazz and his wife Karen are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden.
Grazz says "To hell with this!" and storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and Karen asks "What did you do?"
Grazz replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"
haha that's gold. i had to read it twice to get it :-[
Grazz had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
Karen became more and more annoyed and finally said...
"For god's sake! Grazz Leave it on the porn channel, you already know how to fish!"
Grazz and Dudge went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Dudge wakes up Grazz and says, "look towards sky, what you see?"
Grazz replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Dudge.
Grazz ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it
tell you, Dudge?"
"Your dumber than cow sh*t. It means someone stole the tent!"
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
'I would have been released today.'
Dudge the builder was going through a house he had just built with the woman who owned it.
She was telling him what colour to paint each room...
They went into the first room and she said "I want this room to be painted a light blue."
Dudge went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red.
Dudge went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
When Dudge went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be tan.
Dudge went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
When Dudge came back, the lady was pretty curious, so she asked him "I keep telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell green side up; what is that for?
Dudge says, "Oh don't worry about that, I've got Grazz laying the turf out front.
Quote from: naste on September 16, 2012, 05:56:08 PM
Grazz had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
Karen became more and more annoyed and finally said...
"For god's sake! Grazz Leave it on the porn channel, you already know how to fish!"
My favourite! I lol'd...
This is a good one, very explicit and rude however.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
I suspect my sister is a lesbian...
She never seems to enjoy sucking my cock.
Quote from: Jukes on September 16, 2012, 08:36:17 PM
This is a good one, very explicit and rude however.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
I suspect my sister is a lesbian...
She never seems to enjoy sucking my cock.
Hahahaha, black humour.
Naste, that joke is a pearler! ;D
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
Quote from: Purple 77 on September 16, 2012, 06:58:22 PM
Quote from: naste on September 16, 2012, 06:09:49 PM
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
'I would have been released today.'
Haha! I actually did laugh out loud on that one! Pure gold, the tent one was awesome too!
haha, same thing happened to my grandfather two or three times... which is why he immigrated to australia.
the original italian stallion lol...
lols at the dinner table every time it comes up, my grandmother laughs pretty hard... I think she feels special :P
Brilliant naste, the light bulb, the tent, and green side up- pi$$ed meself. Only thing is Grazz would probably be the one doin the yelling cause i'm the useless handyman lol. Gold mate :)
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go to her office. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . oohh, that's much better.
My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making $2.00 coins.
They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.
;D
Quote from: Jukes on September 16, 2012, 08:36:17 PM
This is a good one, very explicit and rude however.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
I suspect my sister is a lesbian...
She never seems to enjoy sucking my cock.
pfft they must be Collingwood supporters ::)
Pretty funny naste, Karen had a good chuckle regarding the remote joke, not sure why. ???
Three nuns die in a car crash and go to heaven. When they arrive at the gates of heaven St Peter is waiting for them there.
The first nun steps up to the gate where St Peter asks... "Who were the first two people that God created?"
The first nun replies... "Adam and Eve"
And St Peter says "OK yep you can go through" and he lets the first nun into heaven.
St Peter then calls up the second nun and he says to her... "Name Adam and Eve's two sons"
The second nun replies... "Cain and Abel"
And St Peter says "OK yep you can go through" and he lets the second nun into heaven
St Peter then calls up the third nun and he says to her... "Because you are the Mother Superior I need to ask you a harder question... What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?"
And the third nun replies... "Oooh that's a hard one"
And St Peter says "OK yep you can go through!"
An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".
The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"
Murphy goes to visit his mate Paddy, who has broken his leg. Paddy say's, "mate my feet are freezing, could u go upstairs, and get my slippers " no bother say's Murphy, he runs upstairs, and there are Paddy's two 19 y/o stunning twin daughters, sitting on their beds. Hello dear girls, Murphy say's, your dad has sent me up here to shag both of u. fook off u liar they say. Murphy say's i'll prove it to ya. So he shouts down to Paddy " both of them" ?." Of course" comes the reply " whats the use of fooking one of them"
Ed came home drunk, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife
and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ed.'
Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past.
'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Ed.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard... "Ed, wake up! You sh!t the bed!"
What do you do when you're worst enemy is running at you with half a face?,
Stop laughing and reload!
The other night I was invited out for a night with the boys
I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the beers went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed three times.
Quickly, realizing my wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible fight with her.
(Even when totally smashed... three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos--MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, I told her 'MIDNIGHT.' She didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one!
Then she said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.
When I asked her why, she said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, oh, sh*t.
Cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, laughed, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the coffee table and farted . 8)
^^ hahahahaha gold
A passenger plane traveling to California is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean.
The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive. After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores.
Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on.
Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is...its Kylie Minogue!
Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love. One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face. She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong. "Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feeling there's something missing."
Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do anything".
"Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"
"OK"
"And my trousers?"
"OK"
At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips. "OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way."
"OK dear, whatever will make you happy?"
So off they set. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:
"Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging'!!
lol that was pretty funny, i like that one :P
I just searched in Google for 'footy jokes' and the #1 listed link was http://www.fanfooty.com.au/forum/index.php?topic=13339.0 8)
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for Six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet, replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.
"For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot."
"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America.
North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?"
"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a smallish land mass and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah" said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super- human, undefeatable, strong in character citizens who will be admired and feared by all who come across them".
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the buggers I'm putting next to them"
8)
My wife hates it when I put her chocolate bars in other chocolate bar wrappers.
It gets her Snickers in a Twix. ;D
Two Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie suddenly appears. This genie tells them that he only grants one wish.
Without giving much thought to the matter, the lamp finder blurts out, "Turn the entire ocean into VB!"
The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turns into beer.
The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
The second Aussie turns to the first and says, "Nice going mate! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
8)
A pirate was talking to a land-luver in a bar one day. The land-luver noticed like any self respecting pirate, this guy had a peg-leg, a hook in place of one of his hands. and a patch over one eye. Curiosity got the better of the land-luver. so he asked the pirate, " how did you lose you're leg?" The pirate replied " I lost me leg in a battle of the coast of Columbia". His new friend was still curious, so he asked " what about you're hand, did u lose that in the same battle?" Nah replied the pirate, " i lost that to sharks off the Bermuda Islands". Finally the land-luver asks, I notice u have a patch over you're eye, how did that happen?" The pirate say's," I was sleeping on the beach one day, and a seagull flew over and cr-pped right in my eye" The land-luver asked," how can a little seagull cr-p make u lose you're eye" The pirate snapped, " It was the day after i got me hook !! "
A tortoise was left distressed after a flash of lightning struck his home and nearly killed him.
He was shell shocked. 8)
Quote from: T Dog on September 24, 2012, 04:56:41 PM
A tortoise was left distressed after a flash of lightning struck his home and nearly killed him.
He was shell shocked. 8)
::)
Excellent ;D
Two blokes were out walking home from work one afternoon. "As soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the wife's knickers off!" said the first bloke. "What's the rush?" his mate asked. "The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me," the bloke replied.
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time."
;D
hahaha ^^
Q: What's the difference between a white baby and a black baby?
A: 30 minutes in the oven
I was standing at the bar when a girl came up to me.
"Fancy buying me a drink?" She said,
"Sure," I replied. "If you let me choose."
"Okay," she grinned. "But how will you know what I want?"
"Well, it's kind of a talent," I smiled. "All I do is look a girl up and
down and I know exactly what drink suits her best."
"Okay," she giggled. "You can choose for me."
So I turned to the barman and said, "Diet coke, mate."
;D
My grandfather is a wanted criminal and last week he turned himself into the police.
Talk about a master of disguise. 8)
When I was growing up I was told I would amount to nothing so i became an IT technician because I heard there was a lot of cache in it ;D
"Dietcoke mate" lol nice!!
I've got an appointment with my optomestrist tomorrow.
Then I've got a disappointment with my pessomestrist.. :o
I went to the dentist the other day to have a tooth pulled.
The dentist had a look & proceeded to draw up & prepare an injection.
I said, "No way I hate needles
So he offered me Gas,I said, "No. Can't have gas I get ill from it"
He then walked out & came back & gave me a pill & a glass of water which I consumed.
I said, "That's different. What was that pill called?"
He said, "V i a g r a" I said, "V i a g r a what use is that to me?"
He said, "Well, you;ll need something to hold onto when I start pulling this tooth"
A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter.
The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat.
A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.
The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog.
A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."
So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.
The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her.
So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out.
She said to the little old lady, "That smells like sh it."
The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."
Don't mess with old people.
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living sh*t out of the lawyer and says,
"Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"
Quote from: naste on September 26, 2012, 09:36:19 PM
A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter.
The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat.
A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.
The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog.
A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."
So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.
The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her.
So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out.
She said to the little old lady, "That smells like sh it."
The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."
Don't mess with old people.
LOL Gold
Quote from: naste on September 26, 2012, 09:38:32 PM
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living sh*t out of the lawyer and says,
"Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"
LOL Gold again
Another new Illness to watch out for.... Anal Glaucoma
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today." 8)
Nice1's naste ;D
I asked a fortuneteller to read my future. Suddenly, she went pale and sprinted from the room. So I grabbed the crystal ball, chased her down and beat her with it..... I wonder what the hell she saw in that thing.? :o
1. It's a ten minute walk from my house to the pub.
Weirdly, it's a two hour walk from the pub to my house. ;D
2. I can't believe how strong the winds were last night.
I nipped out to get my wife some milk and got blown into the local pub. :D
3. I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly.
My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, "Don't do that again."
"Sorry," I said, "It must be the nerves."
"Fair enough," he replied, "But there was no need to hold the microphone to your bum." 8)
Dear Boyfriend:
Yeah, you might wear the pants in the relationship, but I control the zipper.
Sincerely,
Girlfriend
Indian Names:
A Red Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look.
"Mom, why is my bigger brother named Thunderstorm?"
She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."
Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"
She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."
"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"
"Because we were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."
Thoughtfully, Mother paused and asked her son,
"Tell me, Broken Rubber, why are you so curious?"
Grandma and grandpa were watching a religious healing program on TV.
The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed, to put one hand on the TV and the other on the body part they wanted healed.
Grandpa hobbled to the TV and put one hand on the TV and the other on his crotch.
Grandma looked at him with disgust. "You just don't understand do you, you old coot.
The purpose of this program is to heal the sick, not raise the dead!"
Shampoo Warning
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning:
"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY"
No wonder I have been gaining weight! Well, I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with dish washing liquid instead, because its label reads:
"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."
PROBLEM SOLVED
LOL! Poor little broken rubber! Cheers naste, got a round of laughs with that one ;D
Quote from: naste on September 28, 2012, 09:11:08 PM
Grandma and grandpa were watching a religious healing program on TV.
The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed, to put one hand on the TV and the other on the body part they wanted healed.
Grandpa hobbled to the TV and put one hand on the TV and the other on his crotch.
Grandma looked at him with disgust. "You just don't understand do you, you old coot.
The purpose of this program is to heal the sick, not raise the dead!"
LOL
Dazburg and BratPack were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said Dazburg. "Bet you $10 he won't," replied BratPack.
Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. So Bratpack hands the DazBurg the money.
"I can't take your money," DazBurg says. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said BratPack. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"
"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
"So?" the friend replied. "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"
This morning my wife, for no apparent reason, started to cry at the breakfast table.
I said to her, over my cornflakes, "What's up?"
"It's you," she said blubbing. "All you do is make fun of me, my size, my weight, you are constantly ribbing me about my shape and always joking at every opportunity you get. It really upsets me."
So I gave her a big hug and said, "I'm sorry I don't mean those things I say, I love you the way you are."
After comforting her for a while, I said, "I'll tell you what, I'll take the morning off and take you shopping, how does that sound?"
"That would be lovely," she replied.
"OK shopping it is...
Now hurry up and finish that bowl of plankton"
8)
A joke in a film caught me off guard and I spat beer all over the screen.
Nobody was impressed, even though I was in the back of the cinema.
;D ;D ;D ;D
A guy took his girlfriend to her first American football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.
"I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"
Two Aussie cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar.
One asked, "What are you up to, Mate?"
Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."
"Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?"
"Ah, probably the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."
8)
A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked." ;D
Last night I saw a man and a woman kissing, and it was obvious they were very much in love. I just had to let them know. So I walked up to them and said "I must say, you two make the sweetest couple."
They looked at me for a moment, slightly taken aback, before the man replied:
"Who are you and how the hell did you get in our house?!!"
8)...what?
My wife's leaving me because I'm so arrogant.
I told her to close the door on her way back in. ;D
Quote from: T Dog on October 03, 2012, 09:47:26 PM
My wife's leaving me because I'm so arrogant.
I told her to close the door on her way back in. ;D
Brilliant!!!!
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore...a friend of mine was wearing one when he was stabbed by the woman's husband :o
I came home from the pub extremely drunk last night and as I staggered down the driveway I noticed that my wife was standing on the doorstep in her dressing gown.
"Look at the state of you. All of the neighbours are probably looking, you're an embarrassment! Put some flowering makeup on." I said. :)
Haha that one made me laugh :D
My pet jellyfish has just abandoned his family.
He's got no backbone. 8)
If a dwarf palm reader escaped from prison would that be a small, medium at large? ::)
A police study has shown that you're more likely to be shot if you run from a fat cop than if you run from a skinny one.
that's actually not a joke, it's a legit study...
but still hilarious :P
Quote from: Ziplock on October 05, 2012, 03:05:22 PM
A police study has shown that you're more likely to be shot if you run from a fat cop than if you run from a skinny one.
that's actually not a joke, it's a legit study...
but still hilarious :P
Nice one Ziplock, ;D Studies can be sensational......
Studies have shown, 100% of car crashes are a woman's fault.
55% of the time she's driving and the other 45% of the time she's walking down the street dressed provocatively. 8)
"I can't wait 2 C U tonight. XXX"
"Me neither. The Pacifier."
"The Pacifier? WTF?"
"Sorry, I thought we were ending our texts with Vin Diesel movies." ;D
T dog, you just churn these out.
I've got another 2 real life funnies :P
the first one- in a southern US state (tennessee from memory), there was the red-neck hillbilly type couple, like real bogans, that bred like rabbits until the point when they were nearly 40 they had 9 children. At which point they went to the doctor to get the father fixed. The doctor after hearing about their children and dilemma says 'ahhh... look, you've already got 9 children, and honestly the missus isn't going to be at a child bearing age for much longer... why the decision to get fixed now?'
Apparently the couple had heard that 1/10 americans are mexican, and since neither of them spoke spanish, they didn't want to have a mexican kid to raise.
... lol.
Another gold one that was in mX today- apparently in france bee keepers were dropping nuts after their bees started producing unsellable honey that was blue, green and red coloured... apparently the cause was due to a near by m&m factory... the bees had apparently been going for the mm discarded shells, turning the honey rainbow coloured :P
How is blue, green and red honey unsellable?? Would have thought you could make a fortune!
Quote from: Ziplock on October 05, 2012, 10:03:06 PM
Another gold one that was in mX today- apparently in france bee keepers were dropping nuts after their bees started producing unsellable honey that was blue, green and red coloured... apparently the cause was due to a near by m&m factory... the bees had apparently been going for the mm discarded shells, turning the honey rainbow coloured :P
Yeah I saw that too in the mX, I'd wonder what it tastes like lol.
Quote from: CrowsFan on October 06, 2012, 12:04:45 PM
How is blue, green and red honey unsellable?? Would have thought you could make a fortune!
yeah that's I thought... but food laws are generally pretty strict to be fair lol.
Quote from: Ziplock on October 05, 2012, 10:03:06 PM
T dog, you just churn these out.
Its good to be noticed Zip.. ;D
My Irish mate walked into the pub and said, "I'll have five bottles of your finest champagne."
"Bloody hell," I said, "What are you splashing out for?"
"I won the jackpot," he smiled. "I got three numbers in tattslotto last night."
"You have to get six, Paddy," I said.
"Bugger it then," he shouted. "Six bottles of your finest champagne." 8)
I was shocked when a man approached me and shouted "Red! Orange! Green! Blue!"
I'd never heard such colourful language in my life. :o
Quote from: T Dog on October 06, 2012, 08:45:05 PM
I was shocked when a man approached me and shouted "Red! Orange! Green! Blue!"
I'd never heard such colourful language in my life. :o
Oh dear........ wow
Still couldn't help but laugh a little ;D
9 out of ten ppl enjoy gang rape!
did i hear that one on here? :-[
I have a feeling myself or zip may have mentioned it at some point. I know I tell people that in person :P
Lol its a good one cheers ;D
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony
On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around .
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'
The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts....
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him,
'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.
'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the
smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.
The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500.00 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'
The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day
Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning -- intercourse or golf course --'
She said, “Don’t forget your sweater.â€
Three little ducks go into a bar..........
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey
"Oh.. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two..
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all da myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day.
There is a mute (can't talk) who wants to buy a toothbrush.n By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper, and the purchase is done.
Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?
He opens his mouth and says. 'I would like to buy a pair of Sunglasses.'
Quote from: CrowsFan on October 06, 2012, 09:59:33 PM
I have a feeling myself or zip may have mentioned it at some point. I know I tell people that in person :P
it is a goldy :P
I got in touch with my inner self today. That's the last time I buy "No Name" brand value toilet roll. :'(
Three Aussie guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Kevin.
Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Kevin says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Kev?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me,"
Bruce replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"
"Well not exactly," Kevin said. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'
And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'." 8)
lmao ^^
Brilliant T Dog ;D
There are only 2 things preventing me from being an evil genius:
1) I'm a nice person.
2) I'm a bit thick. :-[
Definition of Politics: Fleas with Agendas.
3 mates die in a car crash, they go to heaven.
At an orientation they are asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning about your death, what would you like to hear them say about you? "
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!" 8)
My ex-girlfriend walked past me today and didn't even notice I was there.
I must be getting better at this stalking business. 8)
Quote from: T Dog on October 08, 2012, 03:18:31 PM
3 mates die in a car crash, they go to heaven.
At an orientation they are asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning about your death, what would you like to hear them say about you? "
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!" 8)
Like it mate, me and the Missus had a good laugh :)
Like it mate, me and the Missus had a good laugh :)
[/quote]
Thanks dudge.. ;D
Three guys went to a ski lodge, the rooms are full, so they have to share a room with one bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this very wild dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and said "That's unbelievable, I had the same dream too!". Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!" :o
- M sends James Bond on a secret mission to heaven. When M doesn't hear from Bond for over a day, he gets worried and calls up heaven.
The Virgin Mary picks up the phone and says "Virgin Mary speaking." M asks her if Bond has reached there yet. She replies that he hasn't.
M waits another few hours and calls heaven back again. "Virgin Mary speaking," comes the response. "Is James there yet?" asks M. Again the answer is no.
M is really worried by this time but he waits for a few more hours and then calls heaven back again.
"Hello, Mary speaking..."
:o
Quote from: T Dog on October 09, 2012, 04:22:05 PM
- M sends James Bond on a secret mission to heaven. When M doesn't hear from Bond for over a day, he gets worried and calls up heaven.
The Virgin Mary picks up the phone and says "Virgin Mary speaking." M asks her if Bond has reached there yet. She replies that he hasn't.
M waits another few hours and calls heaven back again. "Virgin Mary speaking," comes the response. "Is James there yet?" asks M. Again the answer is no.
M is really worried by this time but he waits for a few more hours and then calls heaven back again.
"Hello, Mary speaking..."
:o
Took me a while to get it lol :-[ but I like it :)
- 007 walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I've just been given this state-of-the-art watch by Q and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me", he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"
Bond tuts, taps his watch, and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast!" :o
Quote from: T Dog on October 09, 2012, 09:11:02 PM
- 007 walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I've just been given this state-of-the-art watch by Q and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me", he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"
Bond tuts, taps his watch, and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast!" :o
GOLD!
Three americans are on a vacation hiking in a jungle in Brazil.
While there, they are attacked by cannibals. The cannibals say they'll eat them if they dont complete 2 tasks. They agree.
The first task is to go in to the center of the jungle and collect eight of of one fruit. The first tourist, Craig collects eight oranges. The second, Bob finds eight grapes. They all sit and wait for the third, Roy but they don't see him so they just go on without him.
The next task is to shove all of the fruit that they collected up their bottom showing no emotion on their face. Well Craig gets to two oranges before he starts crying. So they tie him to a stake ready to be burned. Bob gets to six grapes before he starts laughing uncontrollably, and they tie him to the stake too.
Just before the cannibals set alight to the stake Craig says to Bob "Why did you start laughing you could have gone free.", Bob says "Well because I just saw Roy coming out of the woods with eight pineapples."
Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.
He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?"
::) ::)
I dont know how you remember them all T-dog and naste, some very funny jokes there.
Quote from: Grazz on October 10, 2012, 04:46:37 PM
I dont know how you remember them all T-dog and naste, some very funny jokes there.
Thanks Grazz ;D
Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."
So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.
The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.
So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"
He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."
8)
The missus bought a Paperback, down Dymocks, Saturday,
...I had a look in her bag;
T’was “fifty shades of greyâ€.
Well I just left her to it,
At ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread…..
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down on the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Doris hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week.
Watching Doris bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled up upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and…
Said…. I must dominate her!!
Now if you knew our Doris,
You’d see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d muttered.
She stood there nude, naked like;
Bent forward just a bit ….
I thought what the hell,
Stepped forward,
and stood on her left tit!
Doris screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other oneâ€!!
Well readers, I can’t tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,….
Turned “fifty shades of Greyâ€.
Very good naste ;D
Gold Naste ;D
Don't Fart in Bed :'(
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you.
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.
:o ;D :o ::)
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are driving through the desert when their car breaks down. So they have to get out.
The Englishman takes a bottle of wine with him, the Scotsman takes an umbrella and the Irishman takes a car door.
On the way they meet this old barbie. He says to the Englishman "I know why you've got the wine so you can have a drink when your thirsty", He says to the Scotsman "I know why you've got the umbrella to keep the sun off you", "but" he says to the Irishman "Why have you got the car door?" and the Irishman replies "If I get hot I can wind the window down!"
8)
Quote from: T Dog on October 11, 2012, 05:47:12 PM
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are driving through the desert when their car breaks down. So they have to get out.
The Englishman takes a bottle of wine with him, the Scotsman takes an umbrella and the Irishman takes a car door.
On the way they meet this old barbie. He says to the Englishman "I know why you've got the wine so you can have a drink when your thirsty", He says to the Scotsman "I know why you've got the umbrella to keep the sun off you", "but" he says to the Irishman "Why have you got the car door?" and the Irishman replies "If I get hot I can wind the window down!"
8)
LOL Gold
thanks Daz ;D
The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased.
A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town's people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting... "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor...
"shower" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.
:o :o
An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man came to the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doctor, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. She even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, but still nothing. The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yes, none of us could get the jar open."
The wife came up to me the other day and asked
"Do these pants make me look fat honey"
I said "Of course not babe"
"Its all the chocolate biscuits you eat"
*Bruce McAvaney Voice*
Heres crouch falls to the knee's moves it straight to Dick then its Suckling all over the Back of Dick now it spills to Ball, Ball quickly to Cox and now its slowed down bit of tempo getting played around with here he knows he's got swallow if he needs not sure where its going, OH its Danger exploding straight up the middle and he uses Swallow for a "Special" finish.
That really was something wasnt it Dennis...
Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?
It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a sh*tty outlook on life.
If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your bottom and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes.
Karen (Grazz's wife) was arrested for shop lifting.
When Karen went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
Karen replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and Karen replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
Karen replied, "6."
The judge said, "Then I’ll give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could conclude the trial, Grazz spoke......and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, "What is it?"
Grazz said, "Karen also stole a can of peas."
A blonde gets a job as a teacher
She notices a boy down the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.
'It's best I stay here.' he says.
'Why?' says the blonde.
The boy says: "Because I'm the goal keeper"
During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."
The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.
"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
8)
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told her to undress.
After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
He asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounts his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.
He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place!"
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Dudge says to Grazz behind him: "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Grazz replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Dudge deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a print out: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Grazz began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Grazz hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following: 1.Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2.Your dog has ringworm. Bath him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3.Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4.Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5.If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
A 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 86-year-old said: "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child." "So what do you think about that, Doc?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older Redneck friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said: "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied: "My point exactly."
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent barbie," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" .... The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."
Niced work agin Naste ;D
Lance is an anagram of clean, ironically. >:( :o 8)
Quote from: naste on October 12, 2012, 08:16:37 AM
Karen (Grazz's wife) was arrested for shop lifting.
When Karen went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
Karen replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and Karen replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
Karen replied, "6."
The judge said, "Then I’ll give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could conclude the trial, Grazz spoke......and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, "What is it?"
Grazz said, "Karen also stole a can of peas."
lol your in trouble mate, she read that one.
A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.
She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"
The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's testicles.
"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."
The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"
:o :o
Quote from: Grazz on October 12, 2012, 03:31:45 PM
Quote from: naste on October 12, 2012, 08:16:37 AM
Karen (Grazz's wife) was arrested for shop lifting.
When Karen went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
Karen replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and Karen replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
Karen replied, "6."
The judge said, "Then I’ll give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could conclude the trial, Grazz spoke......and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, "What is it?"
Grazz said, "Karen also stole a can of peas."
lol your in trouble mate, she read that one.
Only doing what Dudge told me to do.
An Eskimo was driving along the highway with his New Zealand pal in the passanger seat.
All of a sudden his car broke down.
New Zealander: "I think you BLEW a seal"
Eskimo: "Yeah, well you f**k sheep!"
Get it? ;D
Quote from: naste on October 12, 2012, 05:16:33 PM
Quote from: Grazz on October 12, 2012, 03:31:45 PM
Quote from: naste on October 12, 2012, 08:16:37 AM
Karen (Grazz's wife) was arrested for shop lifting.
When Karen went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
Karen replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and Karen replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
Karen replied, "6."
The judge said, "Then I’ll give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could conclude the trial, Grazz spoke......and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, "What is it?"
Grazz said, "Karen also stole a can of peas."
lol your in trouble mate, she read that one.
Only doing what Dudge told me to do.
I SEE nothing- I KNOW nothing ;D
Schultz and Klink a great combination. :-\
I got a joke... SA Redbacks ::)
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 5...10...15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here every Tuesdays and Thursdays." 8)
Quote from: Tominator on October 12, 2012, 10:22:56 PM
I got a joke... SA Redbacks ::)
Qld Bulls not far behind
Quote from: Ringo on October 12, 2012, 10:51:38 PM
Quote from: Tominator on October 12, 2012, 10:22:56 PM
I got a joke... SA Redbacks ::)
Qld Bulls not far behind
Horrible performance by them today, same team that won the Shield last year?
Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee
- You answer the door before people knock.
- You ski uphill.
- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
- You lick your coffeepot clean.
- You're the employee of the month at the local coffeeshop and you don't even work there.
- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
- You chew on other people's fingernails.
- Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
- You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.
- You can jump-start your car without cables.
- Cocaine is a downer.
- You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
- Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
- You don't sweat, you percolate.
- You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
- You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
- You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
- You forget to unwrap chocolate bars before eating them.
- Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
- You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
- People get dizzy just watching you.
- You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
- Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
- Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
- Instant coffee takes too long.
- When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
- You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
- Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
- You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
- You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.
- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
- You short out motion detectors.
- You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
- Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
- You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
- You don't tan, you roast.
- You can't even remember your second cup.
- You help your dog chase its tail.
;D
Like that T-Dog. ;D
Thanks Grazz ;D
A man approached the window of a movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder and asked for two tickets.
"Who's the other ticket for?" the ticket girl asked.
"For my pet chicken." He said, pointing to the bird.
"I'm sorry," the girl tells him, "but we don't allow animals in the theater."
The man walked around the corner of the building, and stuffed the chicken into his pants. He returned to the ticket window and bought a ticket, entered the theater, and sat down.
The chicken started to get too hot, so the man, figuring it was okay because it was dark to unzipped his pants and let the chicken stick its head out.
The woman seated next to him looked down in horror. She nudged her friend Amanda and whispered, "Amanda! This man next to me just unzipped his pants!"
Amanda replied, "Oh, don't worry about it. Just ignore him. If you've seen one, you've seen them all."
The woman whispered back, "I know, I know, but this one's eating my popcorn!"
8)
bahahaha i hope i remember that one. ;D
Two aliens landed in the desert near an abandoned petrol station. They approached one of the petrol pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.
"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The petrol pumps of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the petrol pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him."
8) 8)
I was at the local swimming pool yesterday, and decided to have a sneaky pee down the deep end. But the flowering life guard was right on to me. The a..hole blew his whistle so flowering loud, i nearly fell in !!
Quote from: Dudge on October 13, 2012, 05:26:38 PM
I was at the local swimming pool yesterday, and decided to have a sneaky pee down the deep end. But the flowering life guard was right on to me. The a..hole blew his whistle so flowering loud, i nearly fell in !!
;D ;D Gold ;D ;D
lolol
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying barbie told you I was speeding too.
Quote from: naste on October 12, 2012, 10:48:55 AM
A 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 86-year-old said: "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child." "So what do you think about that, Doc?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older Redneck friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said: "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied: "My point exactly."
BAHAHAHAHAH!
Think that is the second best joke I have heard on this thread!
But nothing can beat that "A frayed knot" joke....... Gold ;D
PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."
A guy dies and is sent to Hell.
Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in.
In the first room, people are standing in shower up to their necks.
The guy says "no, let me see the next room."
In the second room, people are standing with shower up to their noses.
Guy says no again.
Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room.
People are standing with shower up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries.
The guy says, "I pick this room."
Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee.
On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"
Grazz & Dudge are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money.
They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash.
Just then Grazz turns to Dudge and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you."
Grazz & Dudge are fishing.
Grazz reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle.
As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," Grazz says.
The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer.
Grazz says to the Dudge, "So what do you think?"
Dudge says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat."
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I got somethin' I bet you never seen before." And then the bartender said, "Well I don't know, I've seen a lot of things."
So the man put a little pet carrier on the bar, opened it, and then a 12-inch tall man walked out. Then the man placed a miniature grand piano on the bar. The 12-inch man started playing it.
The bartender was amazed and asked, "Where'd you get that?!"
The man replied, "There's a genie who will grant you any one wish you have. He's just next door."
So the bartender went to the genie and the genie agreed to grant him one wish. The man wished for, "a million bucks."
The genie then nodded and 1 million ducks started falling from the sky. The bartender went back to his bar to talk to the man who owned the 12-inch man.
The bartender said, "Man, I think that genie's hard of hearing or something. I asked for a million bucks and he gave me a million ducks."
The man replied, "Well duh he's hard of hearing! Did you think I went in there and wished for a 12-inch pianist?"
Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children!
Children in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause children.
Quote from: Dudge on October 13, 2012, 05:26:38 PM
I was at the local swimming pool yesterday, and decided to have a sneaky pee down the deep end. But the flowering life guard was right on to me. The a..hole blew his whistle so flowering loud, i nearly fell in !!
LOL Gold
A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails.
A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.â€
Quote from: naste on October 13, 2012, 10:21:34 PM
A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails.
A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.â€
Like it mate, was the turtles name Grazz, he's a bit slow ;)
Quote from: Dudge on October 14, 2012, 12:27:09 AM
Quote from: naste on October 13, 2012, 10:21:34 PM
A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails.
A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.â€
Like it mate, was the turtles name Grazz, he's a bit slow ;)
But he can lift heavy things ;D
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken takes out a cigarette and begins to smoke. The egg, pissed off, takes one look at the chicken, rolls over and pulls the blanket over him and says, "I guess we answered that question!"
A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.
Why was the Blonde's bellybutton bruised?
Her husband was a blonde too!
One day three old ladies were sitting on a park bench and this guy jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.
The first lady had a stroke, the second one had a stroke, but the third one's arm was too short to reach.
King Arthur was about to embark on a long crusade. Before doing so he called to Merlin to devise a cunning chastity belt for Gwenivere. The belt contained a miniture guillotine.
Upon his return, he called to his Knights of the Round Table and had them all strip from the waist down. One by one, he went to each knight and shook his head, telling all those whose members were missing to get out of his sight.
That is until he came up to Lancelot. Seeing that Lancelot was intact, he exclaimed, ''Now I knew I could count on you to be trusted. Name anything at all and it is yours.''
Lancelot replied '' UNGH!UH! UNGH!'''
A woman asks the pharmacist if he sells extra large condoms.
The pharmacist replies, "Yes, would you like to buy one?"
The woman says, "No, but do you mind if I stand here and wait to see if anyone buys one?"
One day Mom was cleaning Junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine.
This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his Father got home and showed it to him.
He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. So she asked him, "What should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."
Quote from: Dudge on October 13, 2012, 05:26:38 PM
I was at the local swimming pool yesterday, and decided to have a sneaky pee down the deep end. But the flowering life guard was right on to me. The a..hole blew his whistle so flowering loud, i nearly fell in !!
Thats not a joke he really did that. ::)
Grazz & Karen buy a new Subaru & to celebrate they go for a long drive to a National Park. But on returning from a swimming hole they cannot find their vehicle.
After much frantic searching they eventually meet a Park Ranger (Dudge) & explain their predicament.
Dudge assures them their vehicle is parked nearby.
When Grazz & Karen begin apologising, Dudge says there is no need.
Wait for it!!!
"You would be amazed how many people come out here & then can't see their Forester for the trees.
Ringo and naste were sitting in the doctors waiting room. Naste looks at Ringo and says " what are u here for ". Ringo replies "i got a red ring around my pecker ". Ringo says to naste " what are u here for " , naste says, " Iv'e got a green ring around my pecker ". The doctor calls Ringo into his office and examined him. As Ringo was walking out, he looks at naste and says " u got nothing to worry about ". The doctor calls naste into his office and examines him. The doctor turns to naste and says "ur pecker is gunna fall off and ur going to die ""WHAT" said naste, "u just told Riingo there was nothing to worry about, and ya telling me i'm gunna die ffs " "The doctor looks at naste and says " well theres a big difference between lipstick and gangrene"
They finally released the ingredients in Viagra ! 3% vitamin E, 2% Aspirin, 2% Ibuphrofen, 1 %Vitamin, 5% spray starch and 87% Fix a Flat
Ahahaha, classic jokes CF :P
Last one is a corker 8)
Haha thanks MC :)
Lance Armstrong has flown into New York to deny doping claims.
It would have been more convincing if he'd used a plane 8)
The 20 Year Old Headache
There was a man who had had a headache for twenty years and was at the point where he wanted to end his own life, but he decided to go to a specialist first.
No doctor could solve his problem, until finally one of them said "You have a very rare problem, your testicles are pressed up against your spine causing your headache. The only way to remedy it is to remove your testicles."
The man hesitantly agrees and gets them removed.
On his way home he walks past a taylor shop with a sign saying "ALL SUITS HALF PRICE"
Being in need of a new suit he walks in where a man greets him and says "Hello Sir I see you want a suit, I would say that you are a 34 sleeve and a 24 pant."
"Wow! How did you know that?" said the man.
"Why Sir I've been in this business for 40 years. Would you like shoes to go with that?"
"Sure" says the man. "Okay I'd say that you're a size 10 wide."
"Ok, now you're freaking me out...Thats a great talent" says the man.
"Thanks" replied the shopkeeper, "Now how about some undergarments?"
"Ok see if you can guess my size", said the man.
"Easy 36" said the shopkeeper.
"Nope 34" replied the man.
To which the shopkeeper exclaimed "Impossible a size 34 would skwish your testicles against your spine and you'de get a headache".
;D ;D ;D
Two women where walking home home after a girls night out and they feel the need to pee, so passing a graveyard, they decide to go to answer the call of nature.
Of course they have no loo roll so the first one uses her knickers and then throws them away while the other woman spots a ribbon on a wreath and pulls it off and uses that.
Next day, their husbands are talking and one says to the other, you know we need to watch our wives when they go out for their nights out, my wife came home last night without her knickers. "You think that's bad" said the other husband, mine had a card stuck to her bum that said "from all the guys at the fire station - we'll miss you"
:-\
lmao gold ^^
Q. What did the blind man say when he walked past the fish markets?
A. Good morning ladies
A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy... activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."
8)
Pythagoras walks into a bar muttering, 'If a right-angled triangle has a short side, X, a long side, Y, and hypotenuse, Z, then the square of Z must be equal to the sum of the square of X and the square of, erm... uh...'
The barman says, 'Y, the long face?'
8)
Quote from: T Dog on October 15, 2012, 08:59:46 AM
A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy... activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."
8)
LOL Gold
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children...
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mother, Ann, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third mother, Joyce, "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on Dick, we're leaving" :o
A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town, when a bum walked up to him and asked the man for two dollars.
The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The bum replied, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked the bum, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that."
"Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
:'(
hahaha priceless ^^
A drunken man staggers into a catholic church and sits down in a confession box but says nothing.
The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final atempt to get the man to speak.
Finally the drunk replies - "No use knockin' mate - there's no paper in this one either".
:o
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
...
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not. It's 3 in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too, you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen.
She says, "Put that away, Little Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."
Little Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."
...
Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do
you want to play?"
"I wanna play 'Mummy and Daddy,'" Little Johnny whines in reply.
Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"
Little Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down as if you're taking a nap."
Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mum goes upstairs. Little Johnny, acting a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He puts on his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs, he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.
His mother raises her head and asks, "What do I do now?"
In a gruff manner, Little Johnny says, "Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.
"Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said "Oh, ...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, "Tarzan check for squirrel first."
A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka. The bartender says, "Six shots? What's wrong?"
"I found out my older brother is gay," replied the man.
The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "What now?" asked the bartender.
"I found out my younger brother is gay," replied the man.
The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "Geez, does ANYBODY in your family like women?" asked the bartender.
The man replied, "Yeah, my wife does."
There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident.
The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so thin.
The husband then donated some of his skin; however, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his butt.
The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty.
She was alone with her husband one day and said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!"
He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!"
Took the wife to a nightclub last weekend.
There was a guy on the dancefloor giving it large breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.
My wife said, "That guy proposed to me 15 years ago and I turned him down."
I said, "Looks like he's still celebrating."
Then the argument started.
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
Old woman goes into her local supermarket where a young girls is serving at the counter, and say's "Can I have 36 tins of cat food please"
The girls reply's " You must have a lot of cats"
To which the old woman says "Oh no,there for my husbands sandwiches, I use the cat food as a paste for the bread"
The girls reply's " That will kill him madam!"
"Oh no, its okay I read it in a book" Said the old woman.
So off she goes with her cat food only to return one week later, where the same young girl was serving again.
The girl asks "How may tins of cat food today"
"None, my husbands dead" said the old woman.
The girl is stunned and say's "I told you that you would kill him feeding him that stuff"
The old lady said " He did not die from that"
"What was the cause of death then" asked the girl
And the old lady replied "Oh, he broke his neck when trying to lick his backside"
One day a teacher was asking her class to use absolutely in a sentence.
So Janet raised her hand and said the sky is absolutely blue,
the teacher said no, it is not, sometimes is black or has different colors.
Another little boy raised his hand and said
"the leaves on the trees are absolutely green" the teacher said no,
they could be different colors at different times of the year.
Little Johnny raised his hand and asked if there where lumps in farts,
the teachers said no, I don't believe so.
And Little Johnny said,
" well then I have absolutely just sh!t in my pants!!!!"
A little girl finds her dog dead with its legs in the air & asks her dad why it's like that.
Dad says it's died & it's like that so Jesus can pick it up & take it to heaven.
Next day she says "Dad Mum nearly died today. She was on her back with her legs in the air shouting 'oh Jesus, I'm coming.'
If the binman wasn't holding her down we'd have lost her....;)
I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers i farted loudly.
My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, "Don't do that again."
"Sorry," I said, "It must be the nerves."
"Fair enough," He replied, "But there was no need to hold the microphone to your arse."
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he in instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"
The mother-in-law left. Later that night the mother in law decides to try it for herself.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
Her husband thinks long and says, "I think you should have ironed it first!"
Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner.
Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a beer and watching the game.
"Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broke and if you don't fix it the food will go bad." Kate said.
Paul yells back, "Who do I look like the GE man, I Don't think so."
A little while later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the hall light, it's out."
"Who do I look like an electrician, I don't think so, " Paul says.
A few minutes later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it."
Paul quickly replies, "Who do I look like a carpenter, I don't think so."
Frustrated, he gets up and leaves.
He decides to go to a bar down the road.
After the game was over, he began to feel slightly guilty for the way he treated his wife so he went on home.
He comes up the porch and realizes that the step is fixed.
He walked into the house and noticed that the hall light was fixed.
He walked into the kitchen to get a cold beer and noticed that the fridge was fixed.
Paul sees his wife and says, "Babe, how did you fix all this."
She looked at him and said, "Well after you left I began to cry on the porch.
A fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying and he asked me what he could do to help.
He fixed everything.
I asked him what I could do for payment.
He said I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him."
Paul says, "Well, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
Kate looks at him and replies, "Who do I look like Betty Crocker, I don't think so!"
8)
Mickey Mouse goes to the judge after speaking to him before about getting a divorce with Minney. The judge says "I'm sorry Mickey but I couldn't find grounds for divorce for being insane." Mickey looks stunned and says "I didn't say she was insane I said she was flowering Goofy " :o
Two men were sitting at the top floor of the Empire State Building.
One man says to the other.. "You know, if you jump out the window here, the force of the wind will blow you back in through the window on the 90th floor.."
The other man says "bugger off, you're jokin aren't u?"
The 1st man says "No, here.. I'll prove it" so he stands on the window ledge and jumps out.. and comes back in thru the 90th floor window..
The 2nd man says.. "That was just a one off" So he does it again.. and comes thru on the 90th floor.. runs back up and says "See, im telling the truth"
The 2nd man says "Wow, im gonna do it then" he stands on the window ledge, jumps out and falls to his death.
The barman says to the first man.. "You know, you're a bugger when you're drunk superman"
8)
My wife looked surprised when I brought home a brand new 50 inch plasma TV.
"We don't need a new telly" she said.
"I know" I replied "but it was on sale at Harvey Normans because the volume control doesn't work. I couldn't turn it down." ::)
Here's a good one:
Dodo Internet.
I sent a text to my wife last night, "Hi babe I'm at the pub with some lads, please try and wash all my dirty clothes and make sure you prepare my favourite dish before I return."
I sent another text, "Babe I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my salary at the end of the month I'm getting you a new car"
She text back,"Omg really?"
I replied, "No I just wanted to make sure you got my first message." :o
Quote from: T Dog on October 17, 2012, 07:32:02 PM
I sent a text to my wife last night, "Hi babe I'm at the pub with some lads, please try and wash all my dirty clothes and make sure you prepare my favourite dish before I return."
I sent another text, "Babe I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my salary at the end of the month I'm getting you a new car"
She text back,"Omg really?"
I replied, "No I just wanted to make sure you got my first message." :o
LOL love it
What's the difference between murder and attempted murder?
Competence. ;D
A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start swearing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."
"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?
"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"
8)
There are three moms. .
A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde.
They were all talking one day and the brunette says "Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed"
They comfort her, and the redhead says "Yeah, well I found a fake I. D. In my daughter's purse. I cannot believe she has one". So they all comfort her.
Then the blonde says "That's nothing. I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis"
::) ::) ::)
I am an optimist. When I see the glass is half empty I think hey look, more room for vodka.
8)
Quote from: Purple 77 on October 18, 2012, 10:52:59 AM
Quote from: T Dog on October 17, 2012, 04:11:13 PM
My wife looked surprised when I brought home a brand new 50 inch plasma TV.
"We don't need a new telly" she said.
"I know" I replied "but it was on sale at Harvey Normans because the volume control doesn't work. I couldn't turn it down." ::)
U ever get that embarrassing feeling when u dont get the joke u feel like a real nob!
Then u realize u got it the whole time, its just not funny!! :-[
A blonde and a brunett where on ther way to heaven and the brunette asked the blonde "how did you die" ?
The blonde said "I had a heart attack, how about you"
And the brunette says "I froze to death, what caused your heart attack"
The blonde said "It started when I came home from work and I saw a womans car in the drive way"
"I rushed in to the house and asked my husband where are you hiding her"
"He said hiding who, but I started looking around the house, I was so angry I dropped to the floor."
Finally the brunette says "Damn!! If you had just looked in the freezer we'd both have lived.
:-\
There was three guys getting on a plane, the first one had a sandwich, the second one had a bag of peanuts and the third one had a bomb.
While they were up in the air the pilot said that the plane was too heavy and if it didn't get any weight off of it it was going to crash.
So the first guy drops his sandwich off, but still wasn't enough, so he jumped off and lived, when he got down he saw this little girl crying and crying and he asked what was the matter and she said that a sandwich hit her on the head, so he said he was sorry.
Meanwhile up in the plane it was still too heavy so the second guy dropped his bag of peanuts off, but it still wasn't enough so he jumped off and lived, when he got down there he saw this little girl crying and crying, so he asked what was the matter and she said that a bag of peanuts hit her on the head, so he said he was sorry.
Meanwhile up in the plane it was still too heavy so the third guy dropped his bomb off but it still was too heavy so he jumped off and lived when he got down there he saw this little boy laughing and laughing and he asked the little boy what was so funny and he said I farted and a building blew up!!
;D
My poor old Grandma died of a massive heart attack when she was watching the TV last Saturday evening. No-one knows what caused it and she was always really healthy, so it came as terrible shock to all the family.
Still, it wasn't a bad weekend for everyone. The Paramedic who tried to revive her was in the papers earlier. Lucky bugger won 1st division in tattslotto the same night. :o
Quote from: T Dog on October 20, 2012, 08:44:22 PM
My poor old Grandma died of a massive heart attack when she was watching the TV last Saturday evening. No-one knows what caused it and she was always really healthy, so it came as terrible shock to all the family.
Still, it wasn't a bad weekend for everyone. The Paramedic who tried to revive her was in the papers earlier. Lucky bugger won 1st division in tattslotto the same night. :o
that reminds me of real life
not a joke but did u hear the news the other day a guy in America won 61 million
they asked him does he have someone to share it with and he said no he'd just been recently dumped by his girldfriend the day before!!!
LOL
I hope this hasn't been posted already...
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"
Quote from: Fireballz on October 21, 2012, 03:37:19 AM
I hope this hasn't been posted already...
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"
LOL
Quote from: DazBurg on October 20, 2012, 09:16:49 PM
Quote from: T Dog on October 20, 2012, 08:44:22 PM
My poor old Grandma died of a massive heart attack when she was watching the TV last Saturday evening. No-one knows what caused it and she was always really healthy, so it came as terrible shock to all the family.
Still, it wasn't a bad weekend for everyone. The Paramedic who tried to revive her was in the papers earlier. Lucky bugger won 1st division in tattslotto the same night. :o
that reminds me of real life
not a joke but did u hear the news the other day a guy in America won 61 million
they asked him does he have someone to share it with and he said no he'd just been recently dumped by his girldfriend the day before!!!
LOL
Haha so good!
The body of a 32 year old man was found floating adrift by some fisherman at 4:30 this morning.
He was wearing a Port Power shirt, a blonde wig, lipstick, makeup, a miniskirt, matching red lingerie, fishnet stockings and red high heeled shoes. Furthermore he had a dildo shoved up his arse.
Police have removed the shirt in order to save his family further embarrassment.
Quote from: McRooster on October 21, 2012, 02:14:07 PM
The body of a 32 year old man was found floating adrift by some fisherman at 4:30 this morning.
He was wearing a Port Power shirt, a blonde wig, lipstick, makeup, a miniskirt, matching red lingerie, fishnet stockings and red high heeled shoes. Furthermore he had a dildo shoved up his arse.
Police have removed the shirt in order to save his family further embarrassment.
Not nice Roost, i may just go buy a couple of your rellies for tea tonight now ;D
3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".
The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.
The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.
The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.
Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.
He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".
8)
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how handsome John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Johns' sexual orientation and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mark and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Mark came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Mark, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Mark. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
;D
That joke probably needs to be updated to current times. I mean who writes a letter these days? :P
Quote from: CrowsFan on October 21, 2012, 09:22:44 PM
That joke probably needs to be updated to current times. I mean who writes a letter these days? :P
Sadly my mother still sends cards and letters..lol.. 8)
An old man and his wife have gone to bed.
After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football... I just scored."
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.
Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has, but instead of farting, he poops the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."
;D ;D
Haha oh god!! ;D
There was a blonde a redhead and a brunette.
They all decided to go to the bar and they got fake ids cause they were underage.
So they go in and the bartender knows they are underage so he call the cops.
The readhead informs the girls that the bartender has called the cops and they have to leave.
So they go out the back door and they see this barn.
They go inside and the redhead notices 3 potato sacks on the floor.
She tells the girls to each hide in a potato sack.
Then the police arrive in the bar, and the bartender takes them out back to look around.
They go into the barn and look everywhere.
One cop says "They might be in those potato sacks".
So he kicks the first one containing the redhead and hears "woof woof". "That's a dog" he thinks to himself.
He kicks the second bag containing the brunette and hears "Meow, meow" "Well that must be a cat" he thinks.
Finally, he kicks the last bag containing the blonde and hears in a slow voice "po...ta...to...es!"
??? ::)
My hot new girlfriend loves the fact I'm so creative and imaginative.
She wouldn't exist if I wasn't. 8)
Joey and Katie are sitting in school.
Katie is sleeping and the teacher asks her a question.
"Katie, who created Heaven and Earth?" Joey sees Katie sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty! !" Exclaimed Katie.
"Correct." Says the teacher.
So the next day the same incident occurs and the same question comes up "Who created Heaven and Earth?" Katie (Again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil "Jesus Christ almighty!" she exclaims.
"Correct again." Says the teacher.
So the next day, for a 3rd time, The teacher asks Katie "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"
Katie (again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil again, and screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I am going to crack it in half!"
:o
One day in school the teacher asks little Johnny,
"If there were five birds on the tree and you shoot two birds with your gun then how many would be left?"
"None because they would all fly away.", replies little Johnny.
"That is incorrect.", says the teacher, "there would be three left, but I like the way you think."
Then little Johnny asks the teacher,
"If there were three women on the bench with an ice cream cone, one bitting on the cone, the other sucking the cone, and the last one licking her cone, which one is married?"
"The one sucking on the cone," guessed the teacher.
"That is incorrect," replies little Johnny," The one with the wedding ring on her finger is married, but I like the way you think."
;D
One day a blonde was driving down the highway when she saw another blonde on the side of the road trying to row in a boat. The blonde pulled over and said "You know it's people like you that give us blondes a bad name, if I knew how to swim I'd come out there and kick your ass". 8)
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
:o
Theres a major fire at a large New Zealand chemical plant. The first state of the art fire engine rolls up and see that the fire is so big, they stay their distance. The owner of the plant arrives and says " i give u $50000 if u can get to the centre of the plant, all our documents and secrets are there", . A second, then third fire engine roll up. The owner says " okay , i'll give u $100000 if u get to centre of the fire and save all our secrets" Still no movement from the Firies. A fourth, fith sixth engine roll up, nothing. Then all of a sudden, a old 1960's fire engine comes roaring in, with all old maories in their seventies aboard, and go straight to the guts of the inferno, and start fighting the fire. After about 20 minutes the fire is out. the owner says " Iv"e never seen anything as brave as that, i'm going to give u $200000.Meanwhile the press are there and interview and congratulate the old fellas. They asked the old Captain of the fire engine-" what are u going to do with the money" Well he replies " the first thing we"re going to do is get the flowering brakes fixed"
LOL'd hard ;D
(http://awesomegifs.com/wp-content/uploads/penguin-walks-on-seal.gif)
A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully."
The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store.
The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over." Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
8)
A horse walks into a bar, and that was the end of my career in showjumping. ;D
Quote from: T Dog on October 24, 2012, 09:47:25 AM
A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully."
The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store.
The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over." Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
8)
LOL
I am starting up a new online business based on this joke... ;D ;D ;D 8)
The policeman had the bar under surveillance a few minutes before closing time, so he could see who comes out drunk.
The first one out the door at 2:00 o'clock weaved down the sidewalk, then fell on the curb. Sluggishly got up, then tried his keys in five cars before finding his own car.
Once inside his car, he fumbled with his keys for 2 or 3 minutes.
Meanwhile, all the club patrons had gotten into their cars and driven away, leaving this one fellow quite alone in the parking lot.
Finally, he got his car started and began to very slowly drive away.
Immediately, the police car was behind him with lights flashing.
The policeman asked the man to take a breathalyser test, to which he readily agreed.
When the reading was 0.0%, the policeman said, "How can this be?"
To which the man replied, "Because tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
8)
Quote from: T Dog on October 25, 2012, 09:10:00 AM
The policeman had the bar under surveillance a few minutes before closing time, so he could see who comes out drunk.
The first one out the door at 2:00 o'clock weaved down the sidewalk, then fell on the curb. Sluggishly got up, then tried his keys in five cars before finding his own car.
Once inside his car, he fumbled with his keys for 2 or 3 minutes.
Meanwhile, all the club patrons had gotten into their cars and driven away, leaving this one fellow quite alone in the parking lot.
Finally, he got his car started and began to very slowly drive away.
Immediately, the police car was behind him with lights flashing.
The policeman asked the man to take a breathalyser test, to which he readily agreed.
When the reading was 0.0%, the policeman said, "How can this be?"
To which the man replied, "Because tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
8)
LOL
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor askes her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakanly picked up the iron instead of the phone.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other."
"The bugger called again"
:o
I was out on a date with a girl from work recently, but it didn't go well.
The farting out loud, burping and awkwardly scratching the crotch.
It really put me off her. 8)
One day a blonde came home from school and came to her mother and said, "Hey, Mommy! Mommy! Today in school we learned to count. The other kids could only count to three but I can count to Ten..... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
The mother responds, "Very good honey." The blonde asks, "Is that because I'm a blonde mommy?" And the mother responds, "Yes dear."
Next day the blonde came home and went to her mother and said, "Today in school we learned our ABCs! The other kids could only get to D but I can get to K! .... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!"
The mother says, "Very good honey." The blonde then asked. "Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?" The mother responds, "Yes dear."
The third day the blonde come home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy today in school we went swimming! But I was the only one who had breasts. Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?"
And the mother responds, "No Honey, it's because you're twenty five."
;D ;D
A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer.
The bartender tells him it will cost 10 cents.
After the guy finishes his beer he asks for a steak and another beer.The bartender tells him it will cost 50 cents.
The guy pays and asks to thank the manager.
The bartender tells him that " the boss is upstairs with my girlfriend. "
The guy asks the bartender "What's your boss doing upstairs with your girlfriend?"
The bartender repleys, "Probably the same thing I'm doing to his business"
::)
One day a lady went into a fishing shop to buy her husband a fishing pole for his birthday.
She picked up a really nice looking pole and asked the salesman how much it was. The sales man says, "I am blind but if you give me the pole I can tell how much it is by the weight."
So the lady gives him the pole and he says, "That pole is worth $45." She was amazed at how cheap that was.
So then she picked up another really nice pole, hands it to the man and he says, "This pole is worth $55." she decided that was also really cheap.
And then she picks the nicest looking pole in the place and handed it to the man and he says, "This pole is our best and it is $70." she told him that she would take it.
As she was getting the fishing pole all rung up, she had to fart really really badly. She decided since the man was blind that it really wouldn't matter if she farted in front of him so she just let it loose.
All of a sudden the man says, "It all comes up to $80."
Confused the lady says to him, "But you said the fishing pole was only $70."
He said, "It is. Its $70 for the fishing pole and $10 for the duck call."
8)
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing, although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist, all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist, all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
;D
A Blonde is having a great day.
She is walking towords the elivator and notices it's leaving.
She starts to run, but a man holds it for here and she makes it.
When she's inside she starts thinking 'I'm in a really good mood, Ill share it with that man' Then says "T-G-I-F!"
The man looks at her and says "S-H-I-T"
The blonde is startled then says "T-G-I-F" again.
The man, again, says "S-H-I-T"
The blonde says "No, T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness Its Friday!"
The man replys "No, S-H-I-T, Sorry Honey Its Thursday."
:o ;D
- "Oh come on Moneypenny, come to bed with me..."?
"No James!" She sighs, "I know you special forces types. You'll be in and out before I know anything about it..."
:-\
One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.
The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.
The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.
Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.
The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."
8)
I saw some gorgeous identical twins standing at the bar last night.
I staggered over and said, "Do you ladies fancy coming back to my place for a threesome?"
"You're drunk aren't you?" they asked.
"No," I slurred, "What makes you think that?"
They said, "I'm standing here on my own."
>:(
"You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?"
That just always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation with me. :o
hahaha good form T Dog
Absolutely fantastic TDOG
Quote from: brad on October 29, 2012, 11:14:54 PM
hahaha good form T Dog
Quote from: tabs on October 29, 2012, 11:32:54 PM
Absolutely fantastic TDOG
Thanks guys.. ;D
An old couple were out on thier 60th wedding anniversary and they decided to go to the place where they had first met.
After they had eaten the husband goes to his wife "Hey you remember that fence out back don't you?" His wife goes "Why, yes Harold thats where we first made love" Harold then goes "Well, how about we go relive the old time, eh?".
His wife agrees, and a young man nearby follows them out, intrested to see what this is gonna be like.
The old couple get to the fence, get naked and then start rocking and bucking like thier 16 years old! The young guy watches until they finally collapse off the fence and asks them in amazement "How the hell did some old-timers like you get that much stamina?!". The old man, who is still kinda dazed says "Well lets put it this way kid, 60 years ago, the damn fence wasn't electrified!"
8)
A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.
The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".
"I am actually 47."
Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
:-[
Bloody hell T Dog. Just keep coming up with rippers.
Please keep em coming, loving them. :)
Quote from: MajorLazer on October 30, 2012, 10:46:06 PM
Bloody hell T Dog. Just keep coming up with rippers.
Please keep em coming, loving them. :)
Thanks ML 8)
Some Chinese Proverbs ...
Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
;D
I received a letter from my electricity company this morning explaining the reasons why they're putting my bill up.
They failed to mention, "To make even more profit". >:(
Quote from: Purple 77 on October 31, 2012, 08:09:19 PM
Quote from: MajorLazer on October 30, 2012, 10:46:06 PM
Bloody hell T Dog. Just keep coming up with rippers.
Please keep em coming, loving them. :)
Yeah +1
Although I don't reply to them, I have read everyone of your jokes and actually look forward to hearing them lol
I read this thread every single day, it really makes me feel better if I have had a crappy day :P (and makes me feel better on a good day too!)
Thank again T Dog.
yup i read it everyday to
not only are they funny but i'm amazed at how many jokes you know
thanks everyone.. ;D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xaPepCVepCg
Now a video 8)
If you're putting up videos of walk on the wild side then you definitely have to watch this one - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQ1HKCYJM5U&feature=relmfu (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQ1HKCYJM5U&feature=relmfu)
Night time, day time is the best!
Quote from: Spite on October 31, 2012, 08:38:29 PM
Quote from: Purple 77 on October 31, 2012, 08:09:19 PM
Quote from: MajorLazer on October 30, 2012, 10:46:06 PM
Bloody hell T Dog. Just keep coming up with rippers.
Please keep em coming, loving them. :)
Yeah +1
Although I don't reply to them, I have read everyone of your jokes and actually look forward to hearing them lol
I read this thread every single day, it really makes me feel better if I have had a crappy day :P (and makes me feel better on a good day too!)
Thank again T Dog.
brilliant T Dog, agree with Spite, good to have a laugh at the end of a bad day
Quote from: CrowsFan on October 31, 2012, 10:08:29 PM
If you're putting up videos of walk on the wild side then you definitely have to watch this one - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQ1HKCYJM5U&feature=relmfu (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQ1HKCYJM5U&feature=relmfu)
Night time, day time is the best!
gold CF ;D
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the
street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to
see her boyfriend buying flowers.
She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me
flowers again."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the
big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"
The red head says, "Oh sure, but he always has expectations
after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending
the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
:o
LOL!!!!!!!! One of my favourite ones above T Dog!!!!
What Not To Say To A Naked Guy
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. ####, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?
8)
Like a heap of them, but 42's a gem
Two cowboys are out on the range one starry night talking about their favourite sex positions.
One says, "Ever had rodeo sex?".. "Ain’t heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What is it?"
"Well, you get the girl down on all fours, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup her breasts, whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister’s' and see how long you can hang on"
A vampire goes into a pub and asks for boiling water. The barman says "I thought you only drank blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea".
I was watching a film with my little boy.
He said "dad i'm scared, is that lady going to die"?
I said," probably son, judging by the size of that horses knob
Sorry all,sent on my phone today
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.
"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down."
;D ;D ;D
A blonde was sick and tired of people making fun of her for being a blonde, so she decided to hang herself.
A couple minutes later two men walk by and see her hanging by her wrists.
"What are you doing." they ask her.
So she replies "Hanging myself."
The men are confused and asked "If you are hanging youself, you put the rope around your neck."
The blond says "Duh....I tried that, I couldn't breath."
:o
My wife peaked around the door and then gingerly stepped into the liounge room dressed in her best lingerie and groomed to perfection. "Well hello sexy. What can I do for you tonight?", she purred in her sexiest voice. I looked at her. Thought for a moment. My eyes widened. I clapped wildly and shrieked "SPAGHETTI CARBONARA!!!"
We just dont get on like we used too... ;D
It's Halloween ..be afraid be very very afraid...
A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.
The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early decided go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate sex in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."
"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad. Apparently he had the time of his life."
:o
Quote from: quinny88 on November 01, 2012, 06:33:47 PM
Two cowboys are out on the range one starry night talking about their favourite sex positions.
One says, "Ever had rodeo sex?".. "Ain’t heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What is it?"
"Well, you get the girl down on all fours, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup her breasts, whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister’s' and see how long you can hang on"
LOL
I walked up to a girl in a bar and said, "You look like somebody who has a boring sex life. My mission tonight is to get you drunk, take you back to my house and give you the best shag ever."
She said, "My boyfriend is right behind you."
"Good, I'm glad I've got his support." 8)
I walked into the boss's office and handed him a pear. He asked, "What's this for?"
"A pay rise. My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you."
(think it through..lol.. :o)
Quote from: T Dog on November 02, 2012, 11:16:39 PM
I walked into the boss's office and handed him a pear. He asked, "What's this for?"
"A pay rise. My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you."
think about it.... ::)
Grow a pear, love it ! (Got it instantly too! :P)
Quote from: T Dog on November 02, 2012, 02:48:09 PM
It's Halloween ..be afraid be very very afraid...
A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.
The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early decided go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate sex in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."
"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad. Apparently he had the time of his life."
:o
i had heard this before but forgot the punch line. wow
Q .. Why do blondes like lightning?
A .. They think someone is taking their picture.
Q .. Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A .. From eating with forks.
Q .. Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A .. Because they can spell it.
Q .. Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A .. Toes go in first.
Q .. Why don't blondes double recipes?
A .. The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.
Q .. Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
A .. They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.
Q .. Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A .. They can't remember the number.
::)
Quote from: T Dog on November 02, 2012, 11:16:39 PM
I walked into the boss's office and handed him a pear. He asked, "What's this for?"
"A pay rise. My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you."
think about it.... ::)
Quote from: T Dog on November 02, 2012, 11:18:00 PM
I walked into the boss's office and handed him a pear. He asked, "What's this for?"
"A pay rise. My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you."
(think it through..lol.. :o)
Why did you post the same joke twice?
Quote from: CrowsFan on November 03, 2012, 01:18:05 PM
Quote from: T Dog on November 02, 2012, 11:16:39 PM
I walked into the boss's office and handed him a pear. He asked, "What's this for?"
"A pay rise. My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you."
think about it.... ::)
Quote from: T Dog on November 02, 2012, 11:18:00 PM
I walked into the boss's office and handed him a pear. He asked, "What's this for?"
"A pay rise. My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you."
(think it through..lol.. :o)
Why did you post the same joke twice?
Gave us more time to think it through, cos he thought he couldn't get it. ;)
Quote from: CrowsFan on November 03, 2012, 01:18:05 PM
Quote from: T Dog on November 02, 2012, 11:16:39 PM
I walked into the boss's office and handed him a pear. He asked, "What's this for?"
"A pay rise. My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you."
think about it.... ::)
Quote from: T Dog on November 02, 2012, 11:18:00 PM
I walked into the boss's office and handed him a pear. He asked, "What's this for?"
"A pay rise. My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you."
(think it through..lol.. :o)
Why did you post the same joke twice?
Need a remedial mouse operating course..lol.. :-[
Once there was a magical mirror.
When you told the thruth it gave you things, but if you lie to it, it makes you vanish forever.
One day three college girls went to the mirror.
The red head said "I think I'm the smartest one." Then she got a diploma, scholarship, and got accepted into all the colleges in the world.
The brunette then said "I think I'm the prettiest one."
Then she got a Corvette, mansion, a good looking boyfriend , and a lot of money.
Then the blonde said " I think...*poof*"
Then she suddenly dissapearred forever
8)
A cucumber, an olive and a penis are talking.
The cucumber says "I hate my life, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in salad."
The olive says "That's nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza."
he penis says "You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw me in a cave, shut the door and leave me there till I throw up"
:D
Saw this on another forum.. But its so funny for fellow maths nerds like me :P
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/550151_4770741829322_1627698381_n.jpg)
I was out on a first date when I saw a couple of lads from my football team:
"Alright skipper?" they said, as they walked past.
"Mmmm, I love a man with power..." Purred my date, "especially the captain of a team."
"I'm not the captain" I explained, "I've just got a really gay run."
8)
A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
I saw a teenage girl busking today. She had a great voice, and an even better pair of legs, emphasised by the short skirt she was wearing.
"Any requests?" She asked the watching crowd.
"Your thong," I replied with a wink.
Everyone gasped in horror, and the girl slapped me.
It's tough being an Elton John fan with a lisp. >:(
I saw a sign on the freeway last night it read: "Tiredness can kill".
I nearly showerd my self and crashed because last week I stayed up watching a EPL game until 4 am when I was tired,.... I mean I could have died! 8)
Did you hear about the guitarist who got in trouble by the law?
He was fingering a minor ;D
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."
A bloke was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was beside
him so he leans over and says,
"You remind me of my little toe"
She replies, "What? You Mean I'm small and cute?"
He says, "No. I’ll probably bang you on the coffee table
later when I'm drunk."
A little boy walked in on his parents having sex. He sees his mum bouncing up and down on his dad, and he says "Mummy, what are you doing?" She said, "Well, daddy's too fat so I thought I'd try to flatten him out." The boy replied, "Why bother, every Tuesday the maid comes over and blows him back up again!"
Quote from: quinny88 on November 06, 2012, 10:40:41 PM
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."
BRILLIANT!!!
Haha this is my favourite one for the day..
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -- something she obviously loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"
"Because", she' replied, "I miss mine."
For thirty years I thought my wife had Tourettes but it turns out she really does think I'm a barbie !!
I decided to open up a fireworks shop
Business is booming ;D
There was a Blonde and her husband.
One morning the husband leaves for work and the blonde gets up. She's determined to prove to her husband that blondes arn't dumb, by painting the kitchen.
When her husband gets home he says to his wife "Honey why do you have 3 coats on?"
The blonde says, "Well the directions on the paint said to use three coats for best results."
8)
Kiera knightly has just turned down my offer to buy her a kebab.
Apparently, she's watching her boyish figure. >:(
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4JhCxEDRVKU
Hitlers view of dream team.. ;D
Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"
"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"
"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"
"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go, that's terrible!"
"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"
"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."
"Man, what a way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."
"Now that is one awful way to go!"
"No no, he survived that..."
"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"
"I shot him!"
"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"
"He was wrecking my house."
:o
I came home from the pub really drunk last night.
As I staggered into the living room and sat down on the sofa my wife looked at me and said, "Can't you just go out and have a couple of drinks?"
"Of course I can," I replied, standing back up, "Just let me get my coat." 8)
Everyone believed my story about taking cocaine with a prostitute in my kitchen.
They fell for it, sink, line and hooker. ;D
Grazz called Karen and said, "Sorry I haven't replied to your messages, I've been out drinking with the Dudge. I'll be home in about 20 minutes, is my chicken casserole still warm?"
"Still warm??" Karen screamed, "I sent you those texts last Tuesday!"
Cmon give these tongue twisters a go..you know you want to..
I slit the sheet - the sheet I slit - and on the slitted sheet I sit.
I'm not a pheasant plucker,
I'm a pheasant pluckers son.
And I'm only plucking pleasants
'till the pheasant plucker comes.
Silly Simon's sitting in a shoe shine shop.
Where he sits he shines, and where he shines he sits.
Try to keep repeating the phrase "Red lorry, yellow lorry"
::)
Quote from: T Dog on November 08, 2012, 09:18:42 AM
I came home from the pub really drunk last night.
As I staggered into the living room and sat down on the sofa my wife looked at me and said, "Can't you just go out and have a couple of drinks?"
"Of course I can," I replied, standing back up, "Just let me get my coat." 8)
LOL
Love It
Quote from: T Dog on November 08, 2012, 11:51:41 AM
Cmon give these tongue twisters a go..you know you want to..
I slit the sheet - the sheet I slit - and on the slitted sheet I sit.
I'm not a pheasant plucker,
I'm a pheasant pluckers son.
And I'm only plucking pleasants
'till the pheasant plucker comes.
Silly Simon's sitting in a shoe shine shop.
Where he sits he shines, and where he shines he sits.
Try to keep repeating the phrase "Red lorry, yellow lorry"
::)
T-dog the one i grew up with was
red leather, yellow leather
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied. "How does it work?" "Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For f#$% sake, you White Goodman, it's 2am in the *&^%ing morning!!" 8)
Dudge is doing a crossword. And says to Grazz, I'm stuck on 2 down. Flightless Bird from Iceland. (6,7)
Grazz thinks about it and replies ya thick twat that's easy, "Frozen Chicken".
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.
When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.
The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."
So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.
Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.
The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"
The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."
Two women where walking home home after a girls night out and they feel the need to pee, so passing a graveyard, they decide to go to answer the call of nature.
Of course they have no loo roll so the first one uses her knickers and then throws them away while the other woman spots a ribbon on a wreath and pulls it off and uses that.
Next day, their husbands are talking and one says to the other, you know we need to watch our wives when they go out for their nights out, my wife came home last night without her knickers. "You think that's bad" said the other husband, mine had a card stuck to her bum that said "from all the guys at the fire station - we'll miss you"
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little town where they first met.
They sat in a small coffee shop in the town and were telling the waitress about their love for each other and how they met at this same spot.
Sitting next to them was the local cop and he smiled as the old couple spoke.
After the waitress left the table, the old man said to his wife, 'Remember the first time we made love, it was up in that field across the road, when I put you against the fence. Why don't we do it again for old times sake?'
The wife giggled like crazy and said, 'Sure, why not.' So off they went out the door and across to the field.
The cop smiled to himself, thinking how romantic this was and decided he better keep an eye on the couple so they didn't run into any harm.
The old couple walked to the field and as they approached the fence they began to undress.
The old man picked up his wife when they were naked and leaned her against the fence.
The cop was watching from the bushes and was surprised at what he saw.
With the vitality of youth, the wife bounced up and down excitedly, while the husband thrashed around like a wild man, then they both fell to the ground in exhaustion.
Eventually, they stood up,shook themselves, and got dressed.
As they walked back towards the road, the cop stepped from his hiding spot and said, 'That is the most wonderful love making I have ever seen. You must have been a wild couple when you were young.' '
Not really,' said the old man, 'when we were young, that fence wasn't electric.'
Quote from: naste on November 08, 2012, 10:21:05 AM
Grazz called Karen and said, "Sorry I haven't replied to your messages, I've been out drinking with the Dudge. I'll be home in about 20 minutes, is my chicken casserole still warm?"
"Still warm??" Karen screamed, "I sent you those texts last Tuesday!"
Do you know Kaz, im getting worried now, Dudge are you talking in your sleep again. :P
Quote from: naste on November 08, 2012, 06:48:46 PM
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
lol, i can picture it :)
Out of Mind â€" Back in 5 minutes.
Paranoia is the delusion that your enemies are organized.
Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It’s easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you’d be paranoid too.
:o
Shave and a haircut, $10:
An elderly man has a haircut and tells the barber he can't have a shave because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed the little ball. The barber replied, "Oh you would just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
:o
Three nuns are sitting on a park bench. Then a man comes up and exposes himself to them.
Two of them have a stroke. But the third one couldn't reach. ::)
Dear Child,
I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.
Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.
They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.
Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.
Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
PS...I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
::) Oh dear!!
What Would You Do?
A middle-aged man returns home from a business trip a day early, concerned that his wife may be having an affair. He's riding in a taxi at about 2:00 in the morning back towards his house, when he explains his situation to the taxi driver.
It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
He explains to the cabbie that he suspects his wife is sleeping around on him, and offers the him $50 if he would be a witness to the affair, if he could catch her in bed with him. By the time they reach his house, the cabbie agrees.
They park a few doors down and, quietly, sneak into the front door and up the stairs. Then, with a burst of speed, the husband flicks on the bedroom lights and rips the blanket off the bed and there his wife lays in bed with another man!
Out of his coat pocket, the visibly distraught husband pulls out a gun and puts it to the naked man's head. Just then, his wife yells "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited all that money!..."
•HE paid for the Mercedes I gave you.
•HE paid for our new cabin in the mountains.
•HE paid for your Sydney Swans season tickets.
•HE paid for our our lakehouse and boat.
•HE paid for your country club membership, and and HE even pays the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head, unsure of whether to pull the trigger, he looks over at the taxi driver and asks "What should I do?"
The taxi driver replies, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold." 8)
Quote from: Purple 77 on November 09, 2012, 08:06:31 PM
Quote from: BoredSaint on November 04, 2012, 12:26:45 AM
Saw this on another forum.. But its so funny for fellow maths nerds like me :P
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/550151_4770741829322_1627698381_n.jpg)
Oh dear lol. I shouldn't understand this, but sadly, I do.
ROFL
Grazz is in hospital had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.
Grazz she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
Grazz did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
Grazz couldn't resist & pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.
The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
Grazz, Hope you had a great B/Day & the above doesn't happen.
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
A man was mowing his front yard when his attractive, blonde, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened the mailbox, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house. A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and again slammed it shut. Angrily back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, the blonde came out again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
She replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"
::)
There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck.
True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the séance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's great. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time, the grass is so green and the cows have such beautiful eyes." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m." Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a bull in Montana." 8)
Care of Anthony Jeselnik -
My brother-in-law is a state trooper for the police department. He told me the only way he would let someone out of a DUI is if they gave him a blowjob. I said "Hey scumbag, you are married to my sister.....just give me the DUI".
Extract from 50 shades of blue
He was in ecstasy and a huge smile spread across his face as his girlfriend moved slowly forwards and then backwards again.
Forwards then backwards. Back and forth. Back and forth.
In and out. In and out. Her heart was pounding faster now.
Her face was flushed and she moaned, softly at first, then progressively louder.
Finally, exhausted, she let out one almighty scream, then sighed heavily and relaxed her vice-like grip!!!
"Oh! Okay! You'd better park the bloody car yourself you SMUG barbie!"
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs.
She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said- "that part where hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair".
The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister-"my monkey has grown hair".
Her sister smiled and said-"that's nothing, mine is already eating bananas".
Mom fainted...
The Polish Divorce
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circ*mstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand.
Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.
She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English pretty good, and it say:
Polish Remover.
A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy.
All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.
The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What the heck is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"
"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and yells, "He's okay boys. He's one of us."
I just got sacked from my job with the Samaritans crisis centre.
A guy called Mohammed phoned and said, "My girlfriend left me so I'm lying on the railway track at Central station waiting for the train to come".
I swear, all I said was, "Remain calm and stay on the line".
Teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Billy: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best dog ever, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris , a jet to travel through Europe , an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "
And you, Nancy?"
"I wanna be Little Billy's dog!"
A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy.
Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off.
When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him.
Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and the cord is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.
The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating.
Curious, the man asks, "What are they doing in there"? The nurse responds,
"They're preparing for vasectomies too, but you have MediBank, and they have MediCare."
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a Nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.
The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother, It says:
"Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle... It makes your nose look too short."
Love,
Grandma
A man went to have a tooth pulled, and the dentist said, "I will need to give you an anaesthetic."
The man said, "No, I don't need anything. Just pull the tooth."
The dentist said, "You won't be able to withstand the pain!"
The man said, "I have been through excruciating pain twice in my life. Just pull the tooth."
The dentist pulled the tooth, and the man didn't even flinch. The dentist said, "If pain experience left you with that pain tolerance, I would liketo know about it."
The man said, "I went on a hunting trip with three other men, and we stayed in a cabin. We hunted Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, and when Thursday came, all were tired but me...so I went out by myself. When I got about four miles from the cabin, on snow-covered ground, I realized I had to 'do my business.' Knowing I couldn't make it back to the cabin, I decided to go right there. I tucked behind a tree and dropped my pants and squatted down to go. I didn't see the trap under the snow cover, and when I squatted, my balls dropped in the trap and tripped it, and it slammed shut on them."
The dentist said, "Wow! If that was the first time, when was the second experience?"
"When I ran out of chain on the trap."
I got thrown out of the local pharmacy this morning, all I said to the girl behind the counter was
" Do you take it up the ar*e or swallow?" she went friggin mental and threw me out, now how am I going to find out how to use those suppositories????
One night a nurse was making her rounds in a nursing home. While walking down the hall, she came across an open door. She looked in and saw old Drudge sitting up in bed pretending to drive.
She then asked, 'Drudge, what are you doing?' He replied, 'I'm driving to Sydney.'
The nurse smiled at him and carried on making her rounds.
The next night as she walked past Dudge's room she saw the same thing.
Again she asked, 'Dudge, what are you doing?' He replied, 'I'm driving to Sydney, it's a two day trip you know!'
The nurse smiled at him and carried on making her rounds .
Five minutes later she came across another open door and looked in.
She saw Grazz pretending to dance with someone. She then asked, 'Grazz, what are you doing?'
Grazz replied, 'I'm dancing with Dudge's wife, he's gone to Sydney for a couple of days"
Quote from: naste on November 11, 2012, 09:16:06 AM
One night a nurse was making her rounds in a nursing home. While walking down the hall, she came across an open door. She looked in and saw old Drudge sitting up in bed pretending to drive.
She then asked, 'Drudge, what are you doing?' He replied, 'I'm driving to Sydney.'
The nurse smiled at him and carried on making her rounds.
The next night as she walked past Dudge's room she saw the same thing.
Again she asked, 'Dudge, what are you doing?' He replied, 'I'm driving to Sydney, it's a two day trip you know!'
The nurse smiled at him and carried on making her rounds .
Five minutes later she came across another open door and looked in.
She saw Grazz pretending to dance with someone. She then asked, 'Grazz, what are you doing?'
Grazz replied, 'I'm dancing with Dudge's wife, he's gone to Sydney for a couple of days"
I thought there was something iffy going on at Grazz'z birthday bbq yesterday,i overheard them saying something along the lines of me going on a trip :o
At a recent COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that:
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got1,000 miles to the gallon."
General Motors has issued a press release stating:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you
would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car XP" or "Car 2000". But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would only work on 5% of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning light would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the justice dept.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn to
drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You would press the "start " button to shut off the engine.
;D
Quote from: T Dog on November 11, 2012, 05:01:05 PM
At a recent COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that:
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got1,000 miles to the gallon."
General Motors has issued a press release stating:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you
would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car XP" or "Car 2000". But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would only work on 5% of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning light would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the justice dept.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn to
drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You would press the "start " button to shut off the engine.
;D
At 52, just bought my missus a ford ( BA 2004, fiirst Ford we've ever owned , or had ) - yeah but pretty much nailed it T Dog :D. Nah but really - love the (dark side) Ford at the minute
Nice Dudge but remember..."Once you accept it, the dark side is with you forever." ―Freedon Nadd to Exar Kun â€" ...The dark side was an aspect of the Force, a metaphysical power that bound the galaxy together. The first known users of the dark side were the ancient Rakatans, a species of alien that conquered a large portion of the galaxy around 30,000 BBY. These aliens were able to harness the dark side to create engineering feats unheard of in their time, such as the hyperdrive and the Star Forge. However, the Rakatan Infinite Empire eventually collapsed when the Rakatans lost their connection to the Force.
I have always thought that... ;D
Quote from: T Dog on November 11, 2012, 09:39:23 PM
Nice Dudge but remember..."Once you accept it, the dark side is with you forever." ―Freedon Nadd to Exar Kun â€" ...The dark side was an aspect of the Force, a metaphysical power that bound the galaxy together. The first known users of the dark side were the ancient Rakatans, a species of alien that conquered a large portion of the galaxy around 30,000 BBY. These aliens were able to harness the dark side to create engineering feats unheard of in their time, such as the hyperdrive and the Star Forge. However, the Rakatan Infinite Empire eventually collapsed when the Rakatans lost their connection to the Force.
I have always thought that... ;D
Mate, read the 1st bit, nearly had me ringing help line, but the last 5 words have my missus saying " it's alright Dave, we'll get through this, lol
Chin up Dudge...it could be worse..
Darth Sidious, Darth Vader and Jerec, infamous practitioners of the dark side
"Evil began in a time before recorded history, when magicians made themselves into kings…and gods…using the powers of the dark side of the Force. The weak-minded have ever been ready to obey one who wields great power. Those who learned the powers of the dark side were quick to exploit this weaknessâ€"to make war. Again and again the dark side has surged forth, like a storm…devouring whole worlds and entire star systems. Those who mastered dark power became dark power. They unleashed destruction, for no other reason than for selfish gain. They despoiled nations…destroyed whole civilizations. Some of them, I am ashamed to say, were Jedi." ―Ood Bnar
and they drove Fords of course..lol... ::)
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
;D
One day, a French spy received a coded message from an American spy claiming it came directly from President Obama.
It read: S370HSSV-0773H.
The spy was stumped, so he sent it to his boss at the agency.
His boss was stumped too, so he sent it to the Russians for decoding.
The Russians couldn't solve it either, so they asked the Germans.
The Germans, having received this same message during WWII from the Americans, suggested turning it upside down.
;D
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
8)
Quote from: T Dog on November 12, 2012, 06:09:31 PM
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
8)
LOL
Thanks DB ;D
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like
there's a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his
cheek and begins talking. Suspicious, the bartender walks over and
tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any
trouble here.
The guy replies, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone
installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."
The bartender says, "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and hands his
hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a
conversation.
"That's incredible!" says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!"
"Yeah", says the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you
name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to
the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by, and he doesn't
return. Fearing the worst, given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into
the men's room to check on the guy.
The guy is spread-eagle up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he
has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. "Oh my god!" said the bartender.
"Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"
The guy turns and says, "No, no, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax." 8) 8)
Dear Wife:
I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years, and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today, and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me, or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your Ex-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your sister Carla and I are moving away to West Virginia together. Have a great life!
Response
Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much to try to drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with Carla, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that she had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich as Hell and Free
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.'
>:(
A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.
If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son." He answered, "That's okay." "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mum" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout .. and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mother." The little old lady waved and smiled back at him and said “Thank youâ€. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85," said the checkout girl. "It can't be that much ! I only bought 5 items." The checkout girl replied "Yes, but your Mother said you'd pay for her things, too."
Grazz was bouncing his baby grandson on his knee today but Karen wasn't too impressed.
"Grazz for heavens sake will you stop doing that." Karen raged.
"Chill out woman, Grazz snapped, "I'm only playing with him."
"Maybe so," Karen said, "but the doctors need to cut the cord."
Quote from: T Dog on November 13, 2012, 08:58:18 AM
Dear Wife:
I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years, and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today, and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me, or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your Ex-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your sister Carla and I are moving away to West Virginia together. Have a great life!
Response
Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much to try to drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with Carla, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that she had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich as Hell and Free
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.'
>:(
LOL
Tdog brilliant
love your work mate ;)
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read,"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
:'( :'( :'(
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: 'Why so glum?'
Guy: 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'
Satan: 'Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?'
Guy: 'Sure, I love to drink.'
Satan: 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.'
Guy: 'Gee that sounds great!'
Satan: 'You a smoker?'
Guy: 'You better believe it'
Satan: 'All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get ill, no biggie, you're already dead, remember?'
Guy: 'Wow...that's awesome!'
Satan: 'I bet you like to gamble.'
Guy: 'Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.'
Satan: 'Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow.'
Guy: 'Cool!'
Satan: 'What about drugs?'
Guy: 'Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean?'
Satan: 'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares.'
Guy: 'Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'
Satan: 'You gay?'
Guy: 'No'
Satan: 'Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough.
lol.
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terribly, doctor, terribly."
"Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"
"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again." 8)
What's the difference between the Crows and Lance Armstrong?
At least Armstrong finished first when he cheated! :P
sick roost!! ;D ;D
Never seen this section before. Quite a laugh really.
Here are a few from Taiwan.
Reserved for Joke of the Week.
Eg What is the difference between George Michael and a microwave?
A microwave stops when you open the door.
Week 2
At work the other day a guy is post op wearing an oxygen mask and he asks the pretty young student nurse a question, 'Are my testicles black?' She blushes and avoids the issue. He persists so she pulls down the sheet, and ever so gently cradles his scrotum, lifts it up and then a bit to the left an a bit to the right, and says 'No they aren't bruised.'
He pulls off his mask and says 'Come closer' and whispers in her ear ' I said are my test results back?'
Week 3
These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years.
First guy asks the second guy,
"How have things been going?"
The second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy,
"I w..a..s a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d."
The first guy says in amazement, "Hey; you don't stutter any more."
The answer comes, " Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a
d..o..c..t..o..r a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e
t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k s..l..o..w..l..y I
w..i..l..l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r."
The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was
almost married.
"W..e..l..l, m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I
w..e..r..e s..i..t..t..i..n..g o..n h..e..r
p..o..r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s
s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d
I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e
a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d, s..h..e c..o u l d
d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e
t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y
f..a..c..e.."
"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first
friend.
" W..e..l..l, I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l..o..w..l..y,
t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e
l..o..o..k..e..d a..t t..h..e d..o..g, h..e
w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..l..l..s"
This week...
>>It got crowded in heaven, so it was decided only to accept people
>>whoever had a really bad day on the day they had died. On the first
>>morning when the policy was employed, St. Peter was standing at the
>>pearly gates and said the first man in line, "Tell me about the day
>>you died." The man said, "Oh it was awful. I was sure my wife was
>>having an affair, so I came home early from work one day to catch her
>>in the act. I searched all over the apartment and couldn't find him
>>anywhere. So finally I went out on the balcony (we lived on the 25th
>>floor) and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. So
>>I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands.
>>He fell, of course, but he landed in some bushes and lived. So I went
>>inside
>> got the refrigerator, and pushed it out over the balcony and it
>>crushed him
>> The strain of the act, though, gave me a heart attack, so I died."
>>St Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day and that it was
>>a crime of passion, so he let the man enter heaven.
>>He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir,
>>it was awful. I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor
>>apartment, when I slipped over the edge.
>>I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment beneath me but then
>>some maniac came out and started pounding my fingers! I fell, of
>>course,but I landed in some bushes and lived! But then the guy came
>>out and dropped a refrigerator on me!" St. Peter chuckles a bit, lets
>>him into heaven and decides that he could really start to enjoy this job.
>>"Tell me about the day you died, " he said to the third man.
>>"Okay, picture this.
>>
>>
>>
>>I'm naked, hiding in a refrigerator ..."
So another...
The Old Cowboy
Ya think you have lived to be 85 and know what you are...then along comes someone and blows it all to the dickens!
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'
This week's funny...
He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards then backwards, forwards, then backwards again...back and forth...back and forth....in and out....in and out.
Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream
and shouted, 'OK OK! I can't park the f**king car! You do it, you smug barbie!'
This one,
This week...
>>It got crowded in heaven, so it was decided only to accept people
>>whoever had a really bad day on the day they had died. On the first
>>morning when the policy was employed, St. Peter was standing at the
>>pearly gates and said the first man in line, "Tell me about the day
>>you died." The man said, "Oh it was awful. I was sure my wife was
>>having an affair, so I came home early from work one day to catch her
>>in the act. I searched all over the apartment and couldn't find him
>>anywhere. So finally I went out on the balcony (we lived on the 25th
>>floor) and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. So
>>I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands.
>>He fell, of course, but he landed in some bushes and lived. So I went
>>inside
>> got the refrigerator, and pushed it out over the balcony and it
>>crushed him
>> The strain of the act, though, gave me a heart attack, so I died."
>>St Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day and that it was
>>a crime of passion, so he let the man enter heaven.
>>He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir,
>>it was awful. I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor
>>apartment, when I slipped over the edge.
>>I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment beneath me but then
>>some maniac came out and started pounding my fingers! I fell, of
>>course,but I landed in some bushes and lived! But then the guy came
>>out and dropped a refrigerator on me!" St. Peter chuckles a bit, lets
>>him into heaven and decides that he could really start to enjoy this job.
>>"Tell me about the day you died, " he said to the third man.
>>"Okay, picture this.
>>
>>
>>
>>I'm naked, hiding in a refrigerator ..."
Is FANTASTIC!!!
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance, down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying, a pain in the butt.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, very picky, knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her; if she is interested, she'll send you a drink.
Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy, thinks she is classy and sophisticated, but actually has no clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is; this should be an easy target.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and is looking to get totally drunk ... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!
Then there is the male addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's gay (and looking to get laid).
8)
Quote from: naste on November 13, 2012, 05:58:52 PM
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: 'Why so glum?'
Guy: 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'
Satan: 'Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?'
Guy: 'Sure, I love to drink.'
Satan: 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.'
Guy: 'Gee that sounds great!'
Satan: 'You a smoker?'
Guy: 'You better believe it'
Satan: 'All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get ill, no biggie, you're already dead, remember?'
Guy: 'Wow...that's awesome!'
Satan: 'I bet you like to gamble.'
Guy: 'Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.'
Satan: 'Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow.'
Guy: 'Cool!'
Satan: 'What about drugs?'
Guy: 'Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean?'
Satan: 'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares.'
Guy: 'Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'
Satan: 'You gay?'
Guy: 'No'
Satan: 'Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough.
LOL gold naste
Quote from: T Dog on November 13, 2012, 06:31:15 PM
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terribly, doctor, terribly."
"Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"
"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again." 8)
LOL gold
Some funny stuff, well done all. Looking at you naste :o
PS Dudge broke down in Sydney, dance little lady dance. :P
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town.
They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $60 for sex."
The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.
"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $65..." 8)
Quote from: T Dog on November 14, 2012, 04:00:21 PM
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town.
They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $60 for sex."
The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.
"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $65..." 8)
LOL
There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with farting. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.
After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.
"Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad farting problem."
"A farting problem?" replied the doctor.
"Yes. Yesterday afternoon, I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh...silent fart emissions. Last night, I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had (BLUSH) four silent fart emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent fart emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?"
"Well," said the doctor thoughtfully, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test."
8)
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell.
The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."
Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but, farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy and takes the rooster home.
He then sets him down in the barnyard and gives the rooster a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job.
"So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer ended with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot.
WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.
After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Randy after the flock of geese down by the lake. Once again, WHAM! He gets all the geese.
By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught -- worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob -- stone cold in the middle of the yard and buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "SHHHH, they're getting closer..." 8)
A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well," said her mother, "how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon as wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama ... he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.
::)
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
;D
Hahahahahah stupid Americans.
I must say, these are brilliant for exam study procrastination! Thanks T-Dog ;D
Quote from: T Dog on November 15, 2012, 09:44:56 PM
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
;D
Seen this one before and loved it. ;D
classic!!
Quote from: T Dog on November 15, 2012, 09:44:56 PM
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
;D
(http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/crying-laughter-smiley-emoticon.gif)
Quote from: T Dog on November 15, 2012, 03:32:06 PM
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell.
The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."
Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but, farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy and takes the rooster home.
He then sets him down in the barnyard and gives the rooster a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job.
"So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer ended with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot.
WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.
After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Randy after the flock of geese down by the lake. Once again, WHAM! He gets all the geese.
By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught -- worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob -- stone cold in the middle of the yard and buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "SHHHH, they're getting closer..." 8)
good one mate :), lol
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said “WHERE AM I?†in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.
Their sign said “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.â€
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
“I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.â€
;D ;D
Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one of the men collapses in agony with both hands in his crotch. She runs to him apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain.
"No thanks... just give me a few minutes... I'll be fine..." he replies quietly with his hands still between his legs. Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently undoes the front of his pant and starts massaging his genitals.
"Doesn't that feel better?" she asks.
"Well... yes... That feels pretty good," he admits. "But my thumb still hurts like hell." 8)
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
a bra, a car battery, and a set of jumper leads walked into a bar.
the bra went up to the bar and tried to order a round of drinks, but straight
away the bartender was like "ohhhh no i can't serve you lot!"
the bra was a bit taken aback at this, after all they'd only just walked through
the door. so she questioned the barman about it but he just said:
"well, you're off your tits and your friends look like they want to start
something!"
sorry people found some old classics and some no so
Two cows were standing in the meadows and one turns slowly to the other and says, “hey what do you think about this whole Mad Cow Disease issue that is going around at the moment?â€
The other cow replies, “Ow, it doesn’t really concern me!!â€
The first cow looks at him stunned and confused and says, “how can you not be worried about something as relevant as this!!â€
The second cow replies “Cause I’m a Helicopterâ€
You wouldn't believe it, I had a crash the other day, I ran straight up the back of this guy, totally my fault. When I got out of my car to swap details a dwarf hopped out of the other vehicle and said "ohh mate, I'm not happy" to which I replied, "well which bloody one are ya"
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
"Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered .... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."
Megan and her boyfriend Stew went to the Sydney Show every year. Every year Stew would say, "Megan, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Megan would say, "I know Stew, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year Stew and Megan went to the fair and Stew said, "Megan, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."
Megan replied, "Stew, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Stew and Megan agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stew, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Stew replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Megan fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
Farmer Dudge is a little disappointed with the performance of his Rooster, so introduces a new young McRooster to the chicken run.
The new McRooster strides into the chicken run preening his feathers, and is immediately greeted by the older Rooster who lamely hobbles over. "Well", says the old Rooster, humbly greeting the younger new arrival. "I'm really very old - I wonder if you would agree to letting me have a couple of the really old birds, and you could have the other hundred or so?"
"Nope! I'm afraid you're past it - they're all for me!", replies the young McRooster.
"Oh dear, I'm far too old to fight", says the older Rooster. "Why don't you race me for them, and then when I lose, it will be no reflection on my sexual performance, so at least I can die with my pride intact."
The young McRooster readily agrees, even offering a generous headstart. Both birds take their places and the race is on. Even by the first turn of the run, the younger McRooster is quickly catching up. By the second turn, the young McRooster is only a few feet behind, and gaining with every stride.
As they enter the final straight, he's right behind the poor old Rooster.
Suddenly, there's a loud *BANG* ,and the farmer shoots the young McRooster dead. "Damn", says farmer Dudge, "that's the *third* gay Rooster I've bought in a month."
------
Grazz told me to do it.
NASA has developed a cannon to enable it to fire dead chooks at the windscreen of their space shuttles. This is to see if the windscreen is able to stand bird strikes at high speed.
British Rail heard of this cannon and thought it would be good idea to check the windscreens of their high speed trains, so they asked NASA if they could borrow it.
In due course the cannon arrived, and excited British Rail executives waited for the first test.
Well, it didn't go as they thought it would: the chicken went through the windscreen, the control panel, took the back off the drivers chair, and embedded itself in the wall behind the driver.
Panic stricken, British rail sent a fax to NASA explaining what they did for the test and asked if there was anything they could do to make their trains safer.
NASA's answer came back in three words:
"Defrost the chicken."
What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon,
You and I need to clean up,
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes to wear
if we don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
YOU AND I blah, blah, blah
blah, blah ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES, blah
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!
PUB TROUBLESHOOTING CHART
Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless
Fault: Glass empty
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer
Symptom: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
Fault: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face
Action: Retire to gent's room, practise in mirror
Symptom: Feet cold and wet
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle
Action: Rotate glass so that open end points towards ceiling
Symptom: Feet warm and wet
Fault: Improper bladder control
Action: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house
training. Demand beer
Symptom: Floor blurred
Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass
Action: Get someone to but you another beer
Symptom: Floor moving
Fault: You are being carried out
Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar
Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
Fault: You have fallen over backwards
Action: Have yourself lashed to the bar
Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts
Fault: You have fallen forward
Action: See above
Symptom: Room seems unusually dark
Fault: Bar has closed
Action: Confirm home address with bartender
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus.
He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look.
"Ha!" the man says. "Can't you play it?"
The octopus looks up at the man and says, "Play it? As soon as I can figure out how to get its pyjamas off, I'm going to **** it .
A missionary was sent to the deepest, darkest part of Africa, and moved in with a primitive native tribe. He spent several years with the people, during which he particularly stressed the evil of sexual sin...no adultery, no fornication!
One day, the wife of one of the tribe's noblemen gave birth to a child.
But the child was white! This caused quite a stir in the village. The chief sent for the missionary, and said, "You have taught us the evils of sexual sin, but here is a black woman who gives birth to a white child.
And you are the only white man in a distance of a five days walk! What is the explanation?"
The missionary replied, "No, no, my good man - you're mistaken. This is a natural occurrence, what in English we call an albino. Nature does this on some occasions. For example, look over there at that flock of sheep.They are all white, except -- look, there is one black sheep among them! Could you explain this to me?"
The chief thinks it over for a while and then replies, "Okay. I'll tell you what, father. You don't say anything about the black sheep, and I won't say anything about the white child."
There was this guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he immediately covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.
The girl came up to him and asked: "What do you have under the newspaper, Mister?"
"Err ... it's ... a ... bird," the guy replied. The little girl stared at him for a few seconds, and then wandered off. Eventually, the guy dozed off to sleep.
When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm in here."
The police proceeded back to the beach, and eventually found the little girl. They asked her "What on earth did you do to that naked fellow?"
After a little pause, the girl replied, "Nothing.... I was playing with this bird, and it spat on me. So I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."
A woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman was approaching from about 50 metres away. When the policeman got face to face with her, he said, "Miss, are you aware that I could book you for indecent exposure?"
"Why, officer?" the woman asked.
"Well," said the officer, "Your right breast is hanging out of your blouse."
The woman quickly looked down and exclaimed, "Oh my goodness! I left the baby on the bus again!"
A young blonde girl goes to the doctor for a physical. The doctor puts his stethoscope up to the girl's chest and says, "Big breaths." The girl replies, "Yeth and I'm not even thixteen."
*******************
A guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his crotch.
The bartender says, "Hey, mate - did you know you've got a steering wheel sticking out of your crotch?"
The guy says, "Yeah ... it's driving me nuts."
Three guys - a South Aussie, a Queenslander and a Victorian - are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total", says the genie.
The Queenslander says, "I am a fisherman, my dad's a fisherman, his dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' the oceans were teaming with fish.
The Victorian was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Victoria, so that we can run our own State how we feel, and no hippie southerner can tell us what to do. I want it so nothing and no-one will get in for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Victoria .
The South Aussie asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall". The genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."
The South Aussie says, "Fill it up with water."
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"
New Zealander: "Dogs don't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hey dog - how's it garn, old mate?"
Dog: "Doin' allright."
New Zealander: <extreme look of shock>
Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?" <pointing at New Zealander>
Dog:"Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
New Zealander: <look of disbelief>
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
New Zealander: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse:"Cool."
New Zealander: <extreme look of shock>
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" <pointing at New Zealander>
Horse:"Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"
Horse:"Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
New Zealander: <total look of amazement>
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
New Zealander: "The sheep's a liar."
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don't try to fool me because I can tell the difference."
The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, "Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I wanted 12-year scotch."
The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch. The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, "Bartender, I don't want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!"
Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs, "Ah, now that's the real thing."
A disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He staggers unsteadily over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says, "Hey, I sink thash really fah-wout what you c'n do. Try thish one "
The man takes a sip, and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, "Yechhh! This stuff tastes like urine!"
The drunk's eyes light up: "Yeah! So, now, how old am I?"
A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.
He has a bad case of gas and really needs to releive some pressure.
Luckly, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.
He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there."
The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.
This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he poops on you." 8)
Some Saturday Shockers...groaners for all the family:
You hear bout the race between the Lettuce, the Tomato and the Faucet?
The Lettuce was Ahead.
The Tomato couldn’t Ketchup.
And the Faucet just kept right on running…
what is underneath a roosters wing?
Answer: A Cockpit
How do you make a tissue dance?
you put a little boogie in it!!
why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
cause if they had 4 they would be a chicken sedan
What do you call one cow spying on another cow?
-A steak out.
There were two muffins in an oven and one muffin turned to the other and said, “MAN! ITâ€S HOT IN HERE†and the other muffin said, “AHHH! A TALKING MUFFIN!â€
If you are an American in the kitchen, what nationality are you in the bathroom?
European
What do you call Lassie with a rose in her mouth?
A cauliflower.
What happens when you drop a duck egg?
It quacks
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
- “Here come the elephants over the hill.â€
What did Tarzan say when he say the elephants coming over the hill with sunglasses on?
- nothing, he didn’t recognize them.
Why did the pig go into the kitchen?
it felt like bakin’
What do you call a sleep walking nun?
A Roman Catholic
::) ::)
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!!"
The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "dog!!!"
They each continue on their way, and ..... as the man rounds the next
corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road ..... and dies immediately.
If only men would listen.
:o
There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues: "Hello?" "Honey, It's me. Are you at the club?" "Yes." "Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?" "What's the price?" "Only $1,500.00" "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..." "Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2011 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..." "What price did he quote you?" "Only $100,000..." "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." "Great! Before we hang up, something else..." "What?" "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..." "How much are they asking?" "Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..." "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?" "OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!" "Bye... I do too..." The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
8)
Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.
The only thing he said was, "F.F."
His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."
Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."
She responded simply, "E.F."
He repeated, "F.F."
She again replied, "E.F."
"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"
Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"
8)
The Smart Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway.
But, as time went by, the traffic built-up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriffs office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I dont care," said Farmer John. "Just do something about these crazy drivers!"
So the next day, he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said,
SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "Youve got to do something about these drivers. The school crossing sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign that said,
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.
But that speed them up even more! So Farmer John kept calling, and the sheriff kept changing the signs.
Finally, Farmer John said to the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff was ready to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day.
He said, "Sure thing, put up your own sign."
And after that, the sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call.
"Hows the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. Ive got to go. Im very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself "Id better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."
So the sheriff drove out to Farmer Johns house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
NUDIST COLONY ***
Go slow and watch out for the chicks!
8)
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
:o
Su Wong marries Lee Wong.
The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.
'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents
'Well, Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the Baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, So I think we will name him....
Are you ready for this?
Sum Ting Wong
Quote from: naste on November 19, 2012, 09:03:14 PM
Su Wong marries Lee Wong.
The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.
'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents
'Well, Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the Baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, So I think we will name him....
Are you ready for this?
Sum Ting Wong
I will be using this one Naste...gold..lol.. ;D
First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor.
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. Go ahead and do the same thing, he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them, and told them, The second most important quality is observation.
I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.
Now learn to pay attention.
PS Have been tempted, but never tried it!
Quote from: tor01doc on November 19, 2012, 10:09:19 PM
First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor.
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. Go ahead and do the same thing, he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them, and told them, The second most important quality is observation.
I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.
Now learn to pay attention.
PS Have been tempted, but never tried it!
Haha have heard this one before, stands up to a second telling though :)
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Melbourne to Cairns.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay, " says the lawyer, "your turn".
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you, " and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
8)
The blonde patient sees her doctor because she really wants to loose weight. He prescribes a special low-fat/low-carb diet which she follows exactly.
After three weeks she comes back to a check-up all happy because she already lost 15 pounds. However it seems that she developed an insaturable hunger for sex with her husband.
"That's a quite normal reaction." explains the doctor and tells her not to worry.
Another three weeks later she returns for yet another control visit and is devastated.
"What's wrong?" the medic asks her, as she sits crying in front of him.
"Oh, Doc! I feel so bad. You know with all that insaturable sex and me being horny for my hubby, I bit of one of his balls last night."
The doctor puts his arm around the sobbing woman. "Don't you worry. One testicle can't have more than 60 calories."
>:(
Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while now.
Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and see the poor guy curls up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the emply air, filled with hopeless desire...
Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out 500 bucks, and gives it to him.
"Here, take this and go to the woman next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight... and remember that this happens only once... ok?... don't think about it again" she said.
The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but affraid that she may change her mind, grabs the money and leaves quickly.
A few minutes later, he returns, and hands the money back to his wife and says with much disappointment: She said this is not enough. She wants one thousand.....
The wife's face slowly turns red with anger. "Damn that dog.. when she was pregnant and her husband came over here... I charged him only five hundred..."
::)
My wife came in from the shops to find me packing my bags. "What's going on here?" she asked.
"I'm sorry, Jane," I replied. "I can't lie to you any more, I'm seeing someone else."
"What's she like?" asked the wife, with her lip now quivering.
I replied, "She's a 22 year old topless model who insists on sex three times a day. Her dad owns a pub and she likes me to go out with the boys on a Friday."
"Is there any point in me asking you to change your mind?" she pleaded.
"You know, I'll miss your sense of humour," I said, walking out the door.
8)
To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his apartment to work on his tan. Not wanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude but fell asleep and burned his penis.
Not wanting to miss out on his date with the hot blonde, he applied some ointment to his manhood and wrapped it in gauze. The blonde showed up at his apartment and after dinner they went into the living room to watch a movie.
During the movie, the young man’s sunburn began to hurt. After several minutes of extreme discomfort, he asked to be excused.
A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain. So he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed his sunburned member into the milk. He experienced immediate relief.
The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the kitchen and found him with his shaft fully immersed in the glass of milk. With a look of understanding the blonde exclaimed, "So that’s how you load those things!"
8)
A married couple is driving down the interstate at 55 mph with the husband behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, “Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.â€
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you.†Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.
She says, “I want the house.†Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, “I want the kids too.†The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.
She says, “I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.â€
The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, “Is there anything you want?â€
The husband says, “No, I’ve got everything I need right here.“
She asks, “What’s that?â€
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, “I’ve got the airbag.†;D
Some one liners..
Stand Back! I have a brain and I’m not afraid to use it.
Strange notions? I got your strange notions right here.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Support bacteria â€" they’re the only culture some people have
Take my advice. I’m not using it.
Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
;D
An old couple were relaxing in the sun at their retirement home. The old man said to the old lady, “I'll have sex with you in this rocking chair for five quid. For ten, I'll do it in my room, Or for 20, I'll make wild passionate love to you in my bed near the open fire.†The old lady reaches into her purse, takes out a 20 pound note and hands it to the old man. The old man says, “So its the wild passionate love in my bed next to the open fire?†The lady replies “No, four times in the rocking chair.â€
There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most.What can we do?
...SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives...
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down........
"I think I have a problem, Doc," says a patient. "One of my balls has turned blue."
The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes that the patient will die if he doesn't have his testicle removed.
"Are you crazy?!" bursts the patient. "How could I let you do such a thing to me!"
"You want to die?" asks the doctor rhetorically, at which point the patient has to agree to have his testicle removed.
Two weeks after the operation, the patient comes back. "Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too."
Again, the doctor tells him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off, too. Again, the man is very reluctant to the idea.
"Hey, you want to die?" asks the doctor, and the patient has to agree with the operation. After two weeks of being testicle-less, the patient returns to the doctor and says, "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue."
After briefly examining the patient, the doctor gives him the bad news: If he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, the patient does not want to hear about it.
"You want to die?" asks the doctor.
"But...how do I pee?"
"We'll install a plastic pipe, and there will be no problem." So the patient has his penis removed, and, a while after the operation, the unfortunate man enters the doctor's office again. He is very angry.
"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!"
"What?"
"Can you tell me what the hell is happening??"
The doctor examines the patient more carefully and says, "Hmmm, I don't know. Could it be the jeans?"
::)
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a Coke," and turns to the ostrich, "Whats yours?" "Ill have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a Coke." The ostrich says, "Ill have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cant hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"Thats brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but youll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"Thats right. Whether its a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, whats with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers,
"My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
8)
Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman. Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged him and let him do his thing.
Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone drive off with your new Mercedes!"
"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"
"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!" ::) ::)
Quote from: T Dog on November 23, 2012, 03:34:38 PM
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a Coke," and turns to the ostrich, "Whats yours?" "Ill have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a Coke." The ostrich says, "Ill have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cant hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"Thats brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but youll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"Thats right. Whether its a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, whats with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers,
"My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
8)
Heard that one before, but there was also a cat on the ostriches back who would order food and refuse to pay for it. Turned out the man had been given three wishes and the third wish was for the bird to have a tight person... :-X
A sociologist, a psychologist, and a computer programmer were discussing the consequences and implications of a married man having a mistress.
The sociologist's opinion was that it is absolutely and categorically unforgivable for a married man to forfeit the bond of matrimony, and engage in such lowly and lustful pursuits.
The psychologist's opinion was that although morally reprehensible, if a man MUST have a mistress to achieve his full potential as a human being, then -- well -- he may go ahead and choose to have a mistress, as long as he is considerate enough to keep this secret from his wife.
The programmer then interjected: "I also believe that, if necessary, a married man is entitled to a mistress. However, I do not see why the affair should be concealed from the wife. On the contrary, if the affair is out in the open, then on Friday evenings he may tell his wife that he is going to see his mistress, tell his mistress that he is going to be with his wife, then go to his office and get some work done!".
Fairy Tales
A little girl had just listened to her mother reading her one of her favorite fairy tales. "Mommy," asked the child, "do all fairy tales begin with Once Upon a Time...?"
"No, dearest," replied the mother, "sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonight'"
My girlfriend said I was really sick, so I phoned a doctor for a second opinion.
He said he'd heard worse jokes. :o
A couple had two little boys ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous.
They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that
if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The clergyman agreed but asked to see them individually.
So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice,
sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
Where is God?" They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response,
sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.
So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone,
"Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer.
So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and
dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude.
God is missing - and they think WE did it!" ;D
The boss called me into the office today and said "I'm sorry, but I don't think you're smart enough for this job."
"That's bullshower!" I yelled. "If you sack me, I'll tell everyone you have a small willy."
"Yeah, that's going to work!" she replied. :o 8)
This bloke needs the highest civilian award I reckon.
COMPLETE and FINISHED
No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between the two words.
In a recently held linguistic competition in London, England, attended by the best in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese man from Bachelors Adventure, was the clear winner with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes.
This is how it went.
The Question:
How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand?
Some people say there is NO difference between the TWO.
The Answer:
“When you marry the RIGHT woman, you are COMPLETE.â€
“When you marry the WRONG woman, you are FINISHED.â€
“And when the RIGHT one catches you with the WRONG one, you are
COMPLETELY FINISHED!"
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
"I can not believe how materialistic you lawyers are," the cop said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!"
8)
A man walks into a store to buy condoms.
When he gets to the counter the cashier asks, "Would you like a bag?"
The man replies, "No, she's not that ugly"
I don’t know how many of you shop at Kmart, but this may be useful to knowI am posting this to you to warn you of something that happened to me, as I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.This happened to me at Kmart in Qld and it could happen to you. Here’s how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the boot. They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and Windolene, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say ‘No’ and instead ask you for a ride to another Kmart.You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday and Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday morning!
A little boy and his grandfather are sweeping up the leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.†The grandfather replies, “I'll bet you five dollars you can't. Its too wriggly and limp to put it back in that little hole.†The little boy runs into the house and comes back with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until its as straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The boy says “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars†The grandfather replies, “I know. That's from your grandmaâ€
Two drunks visit a brothel. The madam takes a look at them and says to the girls.
"Get 2 inflatable dolls, these guys are too drunk to notice"
During the walk home one guy says to the other.
"I think my girl was dead, she never made a sound or moved"
The second guy says.
"Well I think mine was a witch"
"Why do you think that?" asked the first guy.
"Well I bit her on the arse, and then she flew out the window!!"
Quote from: T Dog on November 25, 2012, 06:47:36 PM
A couple had two little boys ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous.
They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that
if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The clergyman agreed but asked to see them individually.
So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice,
sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
Where is God?" They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response,
sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.
So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone,
"Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer.
So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and
dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude.
God is missing - and they think WE did it!" ;D
LOVE IT!!!
Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.
One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the doted line he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.
The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears."
Merv got very angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears."
Merv again was upset and tossed her out.
The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:
"Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses." Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty damn hard to wear glasses with no ears!"
8)
I went to hospital with a toilet brush up my clacker.
The doctor said, "How did this happen?"
I said, "Well I met this bird in a club, one thing led to another and we ended up back at mine..."
He said, "Into the kinky stuff was she?"
I said, "No ... my wife was home".
::)
A farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and announces "This is the pig I sleep with every night".
His wife looks up from her magazine that shes reading and says "thats a sheep you idiot!"
The farmer replies "I wasnt talking to you"...
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts.
This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."
He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
;D
I once played Poker in the Casino with over 30 others on one table.
It was a big deal 8)
On a busy Med floor the doctor stops the nurse to brief her on a patient's condition. "This patient is a fellow physician and my favorite golf partner. His injury is serious and I fear he will not be able to play golf again unless you follow my orders exactly."
The doctor then began listing orders:
"You must give an injection in a different location every twenty minutes followed by a second injection exactly five minutes after the first."
"He must take two pills at exactly every hour followed by one pill every fifteen minutes for eight hours."
"He must drink no more and no less than ten ounces of water every twenty-five minutes and must void between.
"Soak his arm in warm water for fifteen minutes then place ice for ten minutes and repeat over and over for the rest of the day."
"Give range of motion every thirty minutes."
"He requires a back rub and foot rub every hour."
"Feed him something tasty every hour."
"Be cheerful and do whatever he asks at all times.
"Chart his condition and vital signs every twenty minutes."
"You must do these things exactly as I ordered or his injury will not heal properly, and he will not able to play golf well."
The nurse left the doctor and entered the patient's room. She was greeted by anxious family and an equally anxious patient. All asked the nurse what the doctor had said about the patient.
The nurse started, "The doctor said that you will live." Then quickly reviewing the orders, the nurse added, "But you will have to learn a new sport."
;D
The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now. ;D
Guy at work today: "Yeah, I used to be baker, I was making lots of dough, but not much money."
8)
ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY!!!"
and with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel !
Quote from: T Dog on November 29, 2012, 04:57:35 PM
The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now. ;D
What are 3 English football teams with rude words in them?
1: Arsenal
2: Scun thorpe
3: Manchester fuc king United!
The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.
The Pope proceeds to hop on Route 95 and starts accelerating to see what the limo could go. Well, he gets to about 90 miles per hour and,WHAM! There are the blue lights of our friendly State Police in his mirror.
He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. Well, the trooper, seeing who it was, says "just a moment please I need to call in."
The trooper radio's in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief "I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."
The chief replies "Who is it, not Ted again ?"
The trooper says, "No, even more important."
The chief replies, "It's the Governor, isn't it ?"
The trooper replies "No, even more important."
"It isn't the President is it?"
"No, more important," replies the trooper.
"Well, WHO the HECK is it!", screams the chief.
"I don't know" says the trooper. "But he's got the Pope as a chauffeur!"
8)
Met my mate in the pub earlier.
He said, "Hey! I took up your suggestion. What do you think?"
I replied, "Nice bum mate but when I said you should cut the bottom off your jeans, I meant ..." :o
In Computer Heaven:
The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.
In Computer Hell:
The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.
:-\
(http://i47.tinypic.com/282g6fd.jpg)
I said to my mate, "I bought my dog a little coat with writing on the back."
He said, "Oh, what did it say?"
I replied, "Nothing, he's a dog." 8)
Why did the hobbit turn his phone on silent?
He was Bored of the Rings ;D
A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices.
After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price."
Later in the day, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. She took aim at an alligator, killed it and hauled it onto the swamp bank.
Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either."
:o
My wife and I have been at odds lately.
I'm planning to get even later... ;D
Think i am going mad, i was walking home from the pub with a big juicy burger and kept seeing images of big bird, ernie and bert on the burger roll.
Then it hit me, they where just sesame seeds. ;D
Me: "umm, uh no.. I'll pass on the orgy. I really just want to buy a mobile phone."
Salesman, "I said 4G...." 8)
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded, “Why would anyone want to go there. Its crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome.So, how are you getting there?â€
“We’re taking TWA,†was the reply. “We got a great rate!â€
“TWA!†exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?â€
“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.â€
“That dump! That’s the worst hotel in Rome, The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?â€
“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.â€
“That’s rich,†laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it!â€
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful,†explained the man, “not only were we on time in one of TWA’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel! Well, it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!â€
“Well,†muttered the barber, “I know you didn’t get to see the pope.â€
“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the pope walked in. As I knelt down he spoke a few words to me.â€
“What’d he say?â€
He said, “Where’d you get that showerty haircut?†8) 8)
A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face.
"Sir," she said, "the ladies room is unoccupied. You may use it only if you promise not to touch the buttons on the wall."
He was about to explode, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her terms. The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savouring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified with the letters: WW, WA and PP, and there was one red button labeled ATR.
Who would really know if he touched them? He could not just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed thw WW button. Warm Water was sprayed gently on his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him, the men's washroom didn't have nice things like this. Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the WA button.
Warm Air replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently drying his underside.He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the PP button. A large Powder Puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant smell of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure.
The ladies room was far more than a restroom, it was a place of tender loving pleasure! He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did he pressed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy!
He knew he was in the hospital room as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies restroom!"
"You pushed too many buttons," replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin. "That last button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. :o
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed by stupidity, here are some actual label instructions found on consumer goods:
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special.)
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
On a Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's just a suggestion.)
On Tesco's tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom of box): Do not turn upside-down.
On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot's children's cough medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
On an American Airlines packet of peanuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
8)
Lady: Do you smoke?
Man: Yes
Lady: How many packs a day?
Man: 3 packs
Lady: How much per pack
Man: $10.00 or so
Lady: And how long have you been smoking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So 1 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you smoke?
Lady: No
Man: Where's your flowering Ferrari then? ;D
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.
It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, 'Pierre, kiss me!'
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
'What are you doing, Pierre?' says the startled Marie.
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts. ' Pierre ! Pierre ! What are you doing now?' asks the bewildered Marie.
'I am Pierre, French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!' She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude.
Marie then leans close to his ear and whispers, 'Pierre, kiss me, kiss me much lower!'
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it on her nethers
He then strikes a match and sets the cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.
Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, 'PIERRE, WHAT IN HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?'
Our 'hero' stands and shouts defiantly, 'I am Pierre, French fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!'
I will be using Pierre the FFP's lines today...gold Naste.. ;D
A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on the super-natural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks:
"How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start.
Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.
Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic.
Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, of all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Bubba replied, "Shower! From way back thar I thought you said....GOATS!" 8)
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a large truck. The driver was outraged and was eventually able to make her pull over. He got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde in his most threatening voice, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.
When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!"
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.
Now he's getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.
Now she's laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets an extra can of diesel fuel, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!" ::)
Kate Middleton's not pregnant.
It's just an ingrowing heir. ;D
What is the top reason a psychic goes to see a psychiatrist?
Pre-traumatic stress disorder ;D
What is Marketing?
You see a Gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"
That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him."
That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me."
That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink.
You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich "Will you marry me?"
That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich..."
That's Brand Recognition.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me"
She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
That's Customer Feedback. 8)
I went to the Job Centre the other day looking for a change in Career.
"Let's start with the basics", she said, "what are the two things you enjoy most in life?"
"To be completely honest", I replied, "getting paid and sleeping".
"I can tell you now" she scoffed, "if you think you will flowering get a job where you're paid to sleep, you're dreaming". 8)
A young businessman had just started his own company.
He rented a big office and had it furnished with antiques.
Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office...
Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?â€
The man said, “Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.â€
8)
A blonde woman took her pet fish to the vet.
"What seems to be the problem?" The vet asked.
"I suspect my fish has epilepsy." said the blonde.
The vet said "He looks absoloutley fine to me."
The blonde replied "Hold on, I haven't got him out the bowl yet." :o
lmao all gold T Dog
the last 2 were my favourite ;D
Quote from: brad on December 07, 2012, 01:15:17 PM
lmao all gold T Dog
the last 2 were my favourite ;D
Thanks Brad
Epileptic fish is gold!
What do you call a chicken that likes meringue?
A cannibal. ;D
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finallypulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'
1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, but it's harmful if done every day.
2. F***ing relaxes your mind and body.
3.. F***ing refreshes you.
4. After F***ing, don't eat too much; go for more liquids.
5. Try f***ing in bed 'cause it can save you valuable energy.
6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol levels.
SO, REMEMBER
Fasting is good for your health
Dave was staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily.
"What's up Dave?" asked the bartender. "It's not like you to be so down in the mouth."
"It's my five-year-old son, Little Johnny" the man replied.
"Don't tell me, he's in trouble for fighting in school? My boy's just the same. Forget about it; it happens to boys that age," said the bartender sympathetically.
"I only wish it was that," answered Dave, "but it's much worse. "He got our 16-year-old baby sitter pregnant."
"That's impossible!" gasped the bartender.
"No, it's not." said Dave."The little ar***ole stuck a pin in all my condoms."
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part. The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your ar*e and go as a toffee apple.
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up, only to find out that she's pregnant.
She is furious...
Here she is -- in the middle of dealing with thisLibyan mess -- now this has happened to her!
She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming:
"You barbie! How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I've just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault
!
Well, what have you got to say?"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.
She screams again, "Did you hear me?"
Finally, she hears Bill's very very quiet voice, in abarely audible whisper: "Who's speaking?"
The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church in Ireland..
One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.
The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. 'Mrs Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?'
'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.
The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top Of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub.'
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.'
The landlord nodded and said,
'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.'
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street.. One of them turned to the other and said,
'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'!!
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a dog on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!" 8)
A guy walked out to get his mail in the morning. He turns around and there is a gorilla. So he runs back inside, opens the yellow pages, finds the only gorilla exterminator in town, and calls him.
The exterminator arrives in a little truck towing a cage. The exterminator has a ladder, a gun, and a dog. The guy says, "How are you going to get the gorilla off my roof?"
"I am going to put the ladder up against the side of the house, get up there, wrestle the gorilla, and toss him off the side of the house. When the gorilla hits the ground, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla by his balls and drag him into the cage."
"What is the gun for then?"
"If the gorilla throws me off the roof first, shoot the dog before I hit the ground!"
;D
“Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.â€
“What sort of trouble?â€
“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.â€
“Went away?â€
“They disappeared.â€
“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?â€
“Nothing.â€
“Nothing?â€
“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.â€
“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?â€
“How do I tell?â€
“Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?â€
“What’s a sea-prompt?â€
“Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?â€
“There isn’t any cursor, I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.â€
“Does your monitor have a power indicator?â€
“What’s a monitor?â€
“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?â€
“I don’t know.â€
“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?â€
“Yes, I think so.â€
“Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.â€
“…….Yes, it is.â€
“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?â€
“No.â€
“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.â€
“…….Okay, here it is.â€
“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.â€
“I can’t reach.â€
“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?â€
“No.â€
“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?â€
“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle â€" it’s because it’s dark.â€
“Dark?â€
“Yes â€" the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.â€
“Well, turn on the office light then.â€
“I can’t.â€
“No? Why not?â€
“Because there’s a power outage.â€
“A power… A power outage? Ah, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?â€
“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.â€
“Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.â€
“Really? Is it that bad?â€
“Yes, I’m afraid it is.â€
“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?â€
“Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.†8)
Customer Support
Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah....
Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....
Tech support: Aaargggghhhh!!!
__________
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No... Wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry.
__________
Tech support: Click on the "my computer" icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
__________
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen, pal -- don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates!
__________
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says, "Can't find printer." I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it.
__________
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaa.........thank you!
__________
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
__________
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged in to the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK.
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work.
__________
Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
__________
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
___________
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
___________
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
___________
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter "a" in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
___________
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under Windows?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.
____________
Tech support: Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager.
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P" ... On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!! ;D
As the great white shark looked on in dismay, he saw his next meal had a broken flipper.
Normally you'd think he would be excited, but everyone knows if the seal is broken you shouldn't eat it. ;D
My professor gave me an 'A' on my presentation I did today in front of the whole class. Then out of nowhere, he changes is it to a 'B'. He does this all the flowering time.
He's constantly degrading me in front of everyone. :o
An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!" "You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why not?" She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb!' :o
What's the difference between a practical joke and a temperature?
Nurses can take a temperature.
Too soon?
An older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately he was unable to last very long before he would orgasm during sex. A caring man, he was concerned that he was disappointing his new lover, so he called his doctor for advice.
The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.
As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What the hell are you doing?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago. 8)
Quote from: T Dog on December 08, 2012, 02:25:54 PM
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a dog on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!" 8)
My oldman honestly had a similar story--- classic mate :)
A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the topic of the lecture, and on to his favorite subject: the evils of marijuana.
Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors, "Used regularly," he explained, "pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and castration!"
"Now wait a minute, professor," interrupted a student. "Castration? That's absurd!"
"Yes young man, it's sadly true," replied the professor smugly. "Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!"
:o
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
She said " I love it but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said.
"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, "That's right you are, better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"
She asked if she could look so he pulled down his pants for her. She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you, you've already got the neck and gizzard!"
;D
Idiot Sightings
Sighting #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."
Sighting #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red.
She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
Sighting #3:
At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to "rightsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often."
Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.
Sighting #4:
I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.
Sighting #5 (a rare "double sighting"):
A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they'd take up less room in the hard drive.
When he told me, I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too... [and they were both blondes!!!]
Sighting #6 (from Tech Support):
Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
Individual: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"
Sighting #7 (from Tech Support):
Individual: Now what do I do?
Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen?
Individual: It's asking for "Enter Your Last Name."
Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name.
Individual: How do you spell that?
Sighting # 8 (from an Auto Mechanic)
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!"
"I know," answered the young man "I already got that side."
8)
Alcohol Warning Labels
If government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the matter!
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shower truck at 100 yards.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay things like thish.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants (panties) anyway.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, more handsome, and smarter than some really, really, really big biker guy named "Big Al."
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
8)
I love this one.. ;D
A lady in her late 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The doctor told her of a new procedure called "The Knob." This small knob is planted on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift forever. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."
Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon with 2 problems. "All these years everything had been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob on lots of occasions and I've loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First of all, I've got these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
She replied, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."
:o :o :o
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students the teacher asked,"Boy. what is your problem?"
Boy. answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade.My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
The Teacher had enough. She took Boy. to the principal's office. While the boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.
Boy. was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy.: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy.: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think the Boy can go to the third-grade." the teacher says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions.
Can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy. both agree. the teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two
of?
Boy., after a moment "Legs."
Teacher : "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy.: "Pockets."
Teacher : What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy.: Coconut
Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,the Boy was taking charge.
Boy.: Bubblegum
Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Boy.: Shake hands
Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy.: Yep.
Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy.: Tent
Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense.
Boy.: Wedding Ring
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy.: Nose
Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy.: Arrow
Teacher: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy.: Firetruck
Teacher: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if you dont get it u have to use ur hand.
Boy.: Fork
Teacher: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy.: SURNAME
Teacher: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?
Boy.: HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,
"Send this Boy to College, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry. During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed for an elementary school child.
"I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.
"No ma'am,' he replied, 'I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow."
;D
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis.
With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother."
:o :o
A big corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees." The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads no.
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued,
"You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but nooooo, you had to go and eat someone they would miss!" ;D
The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals, a carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist, were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.
The carpenter decided that he would saw the slats off their bed. The electrician figured that wiring the bed with alternating current would give them a few chuckles.
The dentist would not tell the others what he had done, and wore a sly grin, simply suggesting that his gag would be a memorable one.
The wedding and reception went as planned. A few days later, each of the groom's three friends received a letter which read as follows.
'Dear friends,
We didn't mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback. But, I swear to God Almighty, I'm going to kill the mother flowerer who put Novocain in the K-Y Jelly.'
:o
A woman has sued her local hospital, saying that after her husband was treated recently, he has lost all interest in s*x.
A hospital spokesman replied, "The man was admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight"
A shipwrecked Scotsman finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regained consciousness on the beach, he noticed a beautiful, unclad nymphet standing over him.
"Would you like some food?" she asked.
The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week noo and I am verra hungry!"
She disappeared into the woods and quickly came back with a heaping helping of haggis. "Would you like something to drink?" she asked.
"Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra hungry and I wad verra much like a drink!"
She disappeared into the woods again and returned Sometime later with a bottle of 75-year-old single-malt Scotch whiskey. The Scotsman was beginning to think that he was in heaven!
Then, the unclad nymphet leaned towards him and said, "Would you like to play around?"
"Och, lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf course here too!"
8)
"Hi honey, this is Daddy... Is your Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's up stairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
Brief pause. Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Oh yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy right now."
"Uh, OK then...." Daddy says, "...here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well Mommy got all scared, jumped out of the bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug and fell downstairs and she's not moving anymore."
"I'm sorry you had to see that, honey. What about 'Uncle Frank'?"
"He jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water for winter, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and he's not moving either."
Long pause.
Daddy says, "Swimming pool??? Is this 597-7039?"
;D ;D
Quote from: T Dog on December 15, 2012, 05:41:31 PM
"Hi honey, this is Daddy... Is your Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's up stairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
Brief pause. Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Oh yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy right now."
"Uh, OK then...." Daddy says, "...here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well Mommy got all scared, jumped out of the bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug and fell downstairs and she's not moving anymore."
"I'm sorry you had to see that, honey. What about 'Uncle Frank'?"
"He jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water for winter, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and he's not moving either."
Long pause.
Daddy says, "Swimming pool??? Is this 597-7039?"
;D ;D
Fantastic T DOG!
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.
"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool." says Bobby. Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father responds "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says "Whaaaat?"
"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll Screw all night if we let her!"
Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while dad is saying "Have a good evening kids," with a wink for Bobby.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST!!!!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!!!"
;D ;D ;D
THE WAIT IS OVER! THE 1999 DARWIN'S ARE IN! The true high point of the e-mail year has arrived. Yes, it is the 1999 Darwin Awards. For those sheltered few of you who are not fully aware of the Darwin Awards; these awards are given annually (and posthumously) to those individuals who did the most for the human gene pool by removing themselves from it.
Gravity Kills
A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use 'occy' straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped..... and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground, "Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma." An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.
Launched on the Fourth of July
Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the upcoming Fourth of July holiday and wanted to apparently test fire some fireworks. Their only real problem was that their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles. They were launched several hundred feet into the air and were found dead 250 yards from their respective seats.
Don't Ask God To Prove Himself, He Just Might
A lawyer and two buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas when a lightning storm hit the lake. Most of the other boats immediately headed for the shore, but not our friend the lawyer. Alone on the rear of his aluminum bass boat with his buddies, this individual stood up, spread his arms wide (crucifixion style) and shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!" Needless to say, God delivered. The other two passengers on the boat survived the lightning strike with minor burns.
Catch!
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but there's a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. You can guess what happened from here. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate) was hospitalized.
They Say Those Things Will Kill You
Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by his cell phone...more or less. He was doing the usual "walking and talking" when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at the same time.
Gimme a Light!
In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition-lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.
Runner Up..
A Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult position yesterday. While touring the Eagle's Rock African Safari (Zoo) with a group of thespians from St. Petersburg, Russia, Mr. Demuth went overboard to show them one of America's many marvels. He demonstrated the effectiveness of "Crazy Glue"... the hard way. Apparently, Mr. Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good the adhesive was, so he put about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his hands, and jokingly placed them on the buttocks of a passing rhino. The rhino, a resident of the zoo for the past thirteen years, was not initially startled as it has been part of the petting exhibit since its arrival as a baby. However, once it became aware of ts being involuntarily stuck to Mr. Demuth, it began to panic and ran around the petting area wildly making Mr. Demuth an unintended passenger.
"Sally [the rhino] hasn't been feeling well lately. She had been very constipated. We had just given her a laxative and some depressants to relax her bowels, when Mr. Demuth played his juvenile prank," said James Douglass, caretaker. During Sally's tirade two fences were destroyed, a shed wall was gored, and a number of small animals escaped. Also, during the stampede, three pygmy goats and one duck were stomped to death. As for Demuth, it took a team of medics and zoo caretakers' to remove his hands from her buttocks.
First, the animal had to be captured and calmed down. However, during this process the laxatives began to take hold and Mr. Demuth was repeatedly showered with over 30 gallons of rhino diarrhea. "It was tricky. We had to calm her down, while at the same time shield our faces from being pelted with rhino dung. I guess you could say that Mr. Demuth was into it up to his neck. Once she was under control, we had three people with shovels working to keep an air passage open for Mr. Demuth. We were able to tranquilize her and apply a solvent to remove his hands from her rear," said Douglass. "I don't think he'll be playing with Crazy Glue for a while.* Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused, also were impressed with the power of the adhesive. "I'm going to buy some for my children, but of course they can't take it to the zoo," commented Vladimir Zolnikov, leader of the troupe.
Cleaner Polishes Off Patients
"For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a patient dead in the same bed every Friday morning," a spokeswoman for the Pelonomi Hospital (Free State, South Africa) told reporters. "There was no apparent cause for any of the deaths, and extensive checks on the air conditioning system, and a search for possible bacterial infection, failed to reveal any clues." However, further inquiries have now revealed the cause of these deaths... "It seems that every Friday morning a cleaning lady would enter the ward, remove the plug that powered the patient's life support system, plug her floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go about her business. When she had finished her chores, she would plug the life support machine back in and leave, unaware that the patient was now dead. She could not, after all, hear the screams and eventual death rattle over the whirring of her polisher". "We are sorry, and have sent a strong letter to the cleaner in question. Further, the Free State Health and Welfare Department is arranging for an electrician to fit an extra socket, so there should be no repetition of this incident. The inquiry is now closed."
8)
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly fifteen inches: Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife coldly, "You're planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?"
8)
Dear Abby:
I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.
When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave.
I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door...
There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.
Abby, should I tell my fiancee' what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character?
Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?
:o
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question, which his son translated. "What are the guys in the big suits doing?"
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon.
The old man got really excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate. He refused.
So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon. Finally, NASA called in an official government translator. He reported that the moon message said, "Watch out for these guys; they've come to steal your land."
;D
As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night.
You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.
You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body ... you sensed my indifference, so you started to bite me without any guilt or humiliation. You drove me crazy while you sucked me dry. Finally I went to sleep.
Today when I woke up you were gone. I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.
My body still shows your marks, making it harder to forget you.
Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you...as soon you appear I will quickly grab you and won't let you go. I will hold you with all my strength so you won't disappear.
I won't rest until l squeeze all of your blood out.....
you...
you...
you...
you...
flowering mosquito!!
8)
It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's performance. In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!" 8)
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money, if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said. "You received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
:'( :'(
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that the skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover that she still could not do it. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step, and once again much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give her a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, the big Texan that was behind her in line, picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned to the would be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body? I don't even know who you are!"
At this, the Texan drawled, "Well Ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."
;D
Late at night this guy runs into a pub and gets a glass of water from the bartender. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. Six glasses later, and he has recovered enough to speak.
"Thanks," he croaks.
"That's one hell of a thirst you've got," says the bartender.
The guy says, "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't."
"Where's your car?" the bartender asks.
"At the roadside," the guy gasps.
"Tell you what," says the bartender, "you watch the bar for me while I go out and take your place."
"Be my guest, the broad's a nympo. She'll do anybody."
So the bartender goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man. They get right down to it, humping away. Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple.
"What's going on here?" he asks.
"It's all right, officer," explains the bartender. "She's my wife."
"Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize..."
"Neither did I till you switched on that damned light."
:o :o
Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies: "Mom! I have someone for you to meet. Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.
Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks: "Why the black panties?" She replies: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit ... except that he is wearing a black condom. She looks at him and asks: "What's with this... a black condom?"
He replies: "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
8)
Quote from: T Dog on December 19, 2012, 10:05:02 PM
Late at night this guy runs into a pub and gets a glass of water from the bartender. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. Six glasses later, and he has recovered enough to speak.
"Thanks," he croaks.
"That's one hell of a thirst you've got," says the bartender.
The guy says, "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't."
"Where's your car?" the bartender asks.
"At the roadside," the guy gasps.
"Tell you what," says the bartender, "you watch the bar for me while I go out and take your place."
"Be my guest, the broad's a nympo. She'll do anybody."
So the bartender goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man. They get right down to it, humping away. Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple.
"What's going on here?" he asks.
"It's all right, officer," explains the bartender. "She's my wife."
"Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize..."
"Neither did I till you switched on that damned light."
:o :o
LOL
Keep em coming T Dog! Brilliant stuff.
Quote from: T Dog on December 20, 2012, 09:05:51 AM
Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies: "Mom! I have someone for you to meet. Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.
Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks: "Why the black panties?" She replies: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit ... except that he is wearing a black condom. She looks at him and asks: "What's with this... a black condom?"
He replies: "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
8)
Deepest... *giggles* ;D
A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?"
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"
Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes...?"
Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
"Well then," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm STARVING!"
;D
Oxymorons....perhaps you can add a new one?
Childproof
"Now, then ..."
Synthetic natural gas
Christian Scientists
Passive aggression
Taped live
Clearly misunderstood
Peace force
Extinct Life
Temporary tax increase
Computer jock
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Computer security
Political science
Tight slacks
Definite maybe
Pretty ugly
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Diet ice cream
Rap music
Working vacation
Exact estimate
Religious tolerance
Microsoft Works ;D ;D
Saw this one on facebook and had to share it with ya ;D
Cant remember it word for word but went something like this!
Scuse the language!
A little girl was riding her bike when a police officer on a horse approached her and asked.
"Did santa get you that bike for christmas?"
The little girl smiled and nodded.
The Officer then said "Well next time make sure you tell him to put reflectors on it" and he handed her a fine.
The little girl looked up at the officer and replied "Did Santa get you that horse?"
The officer smiled at the girl and said "Yes he did"
The little girl then looked back at the officer and replied "Well next time make sure you tell santa that the Fkn dick goes under the horse not on top of it"
After a day of fishing at a nearby island, Bob was on his way home. No sooner had he crossed the bridge to the mainland, that he saw a policeman following him with his lights flashing. Bob pulled over, like a good citizen.
The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, BOY?"
Bob thought for a second and said, "Uhh, 60?"
"67 mph, son! 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop.
"But if you already knew, officer" replied Bob, "why did you ask me?"
Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, in his normal sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good close look at Bob, in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish catch, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.
"What did you say, BOY?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm a rectum stretcher!", repeated Bob.
The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"
Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"
Bob nonchalantly answered, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!"
8)
One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.
The diver went below another 20 ft, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him.
This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote, "How the hell are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!"
;D
Quote from: T Dog on December 20, 2012, 09:53:12 PM
After a day of fishing at a nearby island, Bob was on his way home. No sooner had he crossed the bridge to the mainland, that he saw a policeman following him with his lights flashing. Bob pulled over, like a good citizen.
The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, BOY?"
Bob thought for a second and said, "Uhh, 60?"
"67 mph, son! 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop.
"But if you already knew, officer" replied Bob, "why did you ask me?"
Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, in his normal sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good close look at Bob, in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish catch, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.
"What did you say, BOY?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm a rectum stretcher!", repeated Bob.
The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"
Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"
Bob nonchalantly answered, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!"
8)
;D
This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board. This is this Bricklayer's report ... a true story.
Dear Sir;
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back onto me.
8)
Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. housework was woman's work!
But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished--something's up.
It turns out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to be romantic. The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it.
"We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening."
"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.
"Oh, that was perfect too. Charley was too tired!"
::) ::)
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of doges who want off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop. All of you sons of doges who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because we're leaving."
The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you come down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language."
Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains. The train stopped and the mother heard, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those just boarding, we ask you to stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the dog in the kitchen."
8)
Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas.
I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
Dear Timmy,
Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus
Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I eluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve you social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat a$$ and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone
Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny g-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your sh*t wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to Hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your a$$ and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy
Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.
Timmy
Timmy,
That's what I thought, you little retard.
Santa
The Irish working for Telstra:
TELSTRA needed to hire a team of telephone pole installers for the Stuart Highway, and McMurray and the boss had to choose between a team of two guys from Port Pirie and a team of two Irish guys.
So the boss met both teams and said "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most poles gets the job."
Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, Bud and Buddy, the two Port Pirie guy's came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed.
They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve. Forty-five minutes later, Paddy and Mick, the Irish guys came back in and they were totally exhausted.
The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?"
Mick, the team leader, wiped his brow and sighed, "Paddy and me, we got three in.``
"The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Port Pirie guys put in twelve!"
"Yeah," said Mick, "but you should see how much they left sticking out of the ground!
Things you can only say at Christmas!:
1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10: Don't play with your meat!
11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in?
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more
A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her so she moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed even more amused. When on the fourth move the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and had the man arrested.
When the case came up in court, the judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honour, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition and when she sat under a sign that said, 'The Doublemint Twins Are Coming', I had to smile.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Sloan's Liniment Will Reduce The Swelling', and I had to grin.
Then she placed herself under a sign that said 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick', I could hardly control myself. But... when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber Could Have Prevented This Accident', I really laughed out loud!
Case dismissed....
;D
Teacher to:
Little Johnny,
Can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?
Little Johnny answered:
Drin-king, Smo-king, and Bon-king.
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.
The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"
The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.
8)
A bloke is desperate for sex but he only has £5 to his name. He decides to go to and see the madam at the local brothel. When he tells her of his lack of funds, she shows him to a small room and points to a chicken in the corner, after some thought he decides to accept and it turns out to be the best sex he has ever had. A week later he returns with £10 in his pocket and asks what she can do for him this time. He is shown to a large room with several benches and a two way mirror, through which he is invited to watch two lesbians having sex. After half an hour, he nudges the bloke next to him and says “What excellent value for a tennerâ€. The bloke replies “Yeah! But you should have been here last week. We had a bloke having sex with a chickenâ€
After many years at sea a pirate decided it was time to retire. Since he had suffered injuries on the job he thought that he could also collect disability insurance. He had a wooden leg, a hook where his right hand should be and a patch over his right eye. The agency assured him that he would be compensated if the injuries were work related. "How did you get the wooden leg?" In a booming voice the pirate replied:
"Well matey, you see it was like this: me and me mates were on the high seas when the boom she swang 'round and knocked me into the sea where a shark bit off me leg."
"Well that is certainly work related. How did you lose your hand." In a booming voice the pirate replied:
"Well matey, you see it was like this: me and me mates were on the high seas when the boom she swang 'round and knocked me into the sea where a shark bit off me hand."
"Well that is certainly work related. How did you lose your eye."
In a booming voice the pirate replied: "Well matey, you see it was like this: i was laying on the deck one balmy day catching some rays when this *%#@* seagull flew by and dropped his duty right in me eye!"
"Well yes, but what does that have to do with the loss of your eye?"
"It were the first day with me hook!"
8)
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. While Mr. Smith could accept the fact that another man would make love to his wife to impregnate her, he didn't want to be around during 'the deed.'
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to. . . . "
"Oh, no need to explain, I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh... equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam? . . . Good Lord, she's fainted!!"
;D ;D ;D
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, The young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned With tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'
The Williams sisters were recently discussing the problem of drugs in the warm-up room before a doubles match.
"I think Dad might be slipping us steroids," whispered Serena.
"What makes you say that?" replied a stunned Venus.
"Well", started Serena embarrassingly, "I've started to grow hair on parts of my body that have never had hair before!"
"Sh*t ... like where?" Venus asked.
"Like all over my balls!" Serena replied.
A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Sat*rday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.
The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot.
'Could you give me some tips?' he asked.
The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'
'Sure will '
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?'
'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that'll give you a smoother draw'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'
The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun right up your a$$, and it won't hurt as much.
The cowboy was walking in the woods one day and he comes to a clearing. There on a blanket was a naked Indian with an erection.
"What are you doing?" the cowboy asks.
The Indian answers, "Me tell time."
"OK. If you are so good, what time is it?"
The Indian looks down at his penis and the shadow it made and said, "It 2 o'clock."
The cowboy looks at his watch and says, "By Golly, you are right!"
The cowboy starts walking again and comes upon another naked Indian laying on a blanket.
"Don't tell me... you're telling time also?"
The Indian looks up at him and says, "Yes, me telling time."
"Okay smartass, what time is it?"
The Indian looks up at the sun and down at his penis and says, "It 4 o'clock."
The cowboy is amazed at the Indian.
He keeps walking and hours later he comes upon an Indian on a blanket, masturbating.
"Don't tell me you're telling time!?"
Indian looks up at him and says, "No, me winding watch!"
8)
The National Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bass players decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.
After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!" he said.
"No need to panic," said a fellow bass player. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."
A few moments later, they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra.
About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion. "Well, of course," said her companion, "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded." 8) 8)
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Iliad," by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Romans conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrant who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes.Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained."
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and that was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English putting tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere were throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Martha Custis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the Enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees. Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
::)
An air freshener salesman goes to an executive building to market his product to a prospective buyer. He steps in to an empty elevator and presses the tenth floor button. Just as the doors close, he lets out an awful fart.
The elevator stops on the fifth floor, so he quickly sprays his new "Pine-Scented" air freshener to cover his tracks. The doors open and a man steps onto the elevator.
The salesman figures this is a good opportunity to test his product's quality, so he says, "Excuse me sir, could you kindly tell me what you smell?"
The man replies, "Yeah, smells like someone pooped a Christmas Tree."
::)
Man: Doctor I've got a lettuce growing out of my bottom.
Dr: Bend over I'll have a look...mmm, yes I think I can see a small leaf.
Man: That's just the tip of the Iceberg
;D
Why are pirates called pirates?
They just arrrrrgh
::)
Wife went mad at me because l didn 't open the car door for her mother.
I just panic 'd and swam for the surface :-\
They've just found a Mummy in Egypt that's covered in chocolate and peanuts.
Apparently he was called Pharoah Rocher.
:)
Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It drove down the road and turned into a field.
>:(
Awful jokes - but I bet you will laugh at at least one
;D ;D ;D
Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble.
Unfortunately, one was a salted.
______________
A jump lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
______________
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
______________
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
______________
Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doctor.
The Doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
______________
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well........It's not unusual........."
______________
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
______________
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
______________
Answer phone message:
"If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
______________
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed,
is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy."
______________
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
______________
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.
______________
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.
______________
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"
______________
I went to a really energetic "Seafood Disco" last week and pulled a
mussel.
______________
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire
in
the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.
______________
A man walks into a doctor's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises," replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."
______________
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
8) 8)
Gynecologist's A ssistant......
A man went to Macquarie Street in Sydney having seen an ad for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Naturally interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read;
"The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist. "
"You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination."
"The annual salary is $65,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go to Newcastle "
" My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man.
She answered:
"No, that's where the end of the queue is."
Attn Grazz!!!!
MAKING IT STIFF!
To make it Stand,
You Wet it !
To make it Wet,
You Suck it !
To make it Stiff,
You Lick it !
To Get It In,
You Push it!
Damn!!!!
Threading a Needle when you're AN OLD FART is a dog.
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful How did you do it? "
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your as*hole before prison.
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Three Rats wanted to Spend the Night in the Bathroom.They were discussing where they were going to sleep.
The first rat says: "I think I'll sleep in the bathtub. It's nice and roomy and seems to be well protected."
The second rat decides to sleep in the sink: "This is a smaller version of the bathtub, and will work just as well for me." The third rat decides he's going to sleep in the toilet: "This area seems to come with it's own water supply and is much better protected than any of the other sleeping spots."
The next morning the rats wake up and ask each other how they slept.
The first rat says he slept fine, quite well rested.
The second rat says he slept very well too, although a bit of water dripped on his head.
The third rat is dark eyed and haggard, not to mention soaked through to the bone. "You fellas aren't going to believe my night.
I was sleeping fine with my toes dangling in the cool water and it started raining!
Then it got dark and started thundering,& if it weren't for that log I would have drowned!"
A few more groaners:
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.
Me and my recliner go way back.
What did Dr. Dre say when 50 Cent gave him a sweater? Gee, you knit?
I've thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year's resolution. It's 1024x768.
My internet bride got delivered today, she's the WiFi always dreamed of.
So, I hear reincarnation is making a comeback.
8) 8)
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Carlton fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Carlton fans too.
Not really knowing what an Carlton fan is, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air. There is, however, one exception. A little girl has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not an Carlton fan," she retorts.
"Then," asks her teacher, "what are you?"
"I'm a proud Collingwood Fan," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks the little girl why she is a Pies fan.
"Well, my Dad and Mom are Pies fans, so I'm a Pies fan too," she responds.
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your Mom was a moron and your Dad was an idiot. What would you be then?"
"Oh," says the little girl. "Well, then I'd be an Carlton fan."
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
A commercial traveller was driving through the Scottish Highlands when his car broke down. There was a cottage near by so he went up to it and knocked on the door. The door opened to reveal a burly Highlander.
"My car has conked out," said the traveller, "Where can I spend the night?"
"Why, right here of course!" said the Scot, "Come in and avail yourself of our world famous hospitality."
The traveller duly entered the humble but cosy residence."Jeannie," shouted the host in the direction of the kitchen, and in response to his call his beautiful daughter appeared. "Jeannie, make a meal for the gentleman and remember to uphold our great tradition of Highland hospitality." The traveller was soon tucking into an appetizing meal, the girl had indeed spared no effort to extend Highland hospitality to the guest.
"And now," said the Highlander, "I'm afraid I must go out and milk the cows, but just make yourself at home and take full advantage of our world famous Highland hospitality."
No sooner had the door closed behind him than the traveller set about seducing the lovely daughter. In no time at all he had her on floor and was on the job.
Suddenly the door opened and there stood the Highlander. He took one look at what was going on and his face turned purple with rage. He dropped his two buckets of milk with a crash and gave verbal vent to his wrath.
"After all I have been saying about the Highland hospitality," he roared, "Arch your back woman, and take the poor man's balls off the cold floor."
8)
An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City office building.
A young and beautiful woman, smelling like expensive perfume, gets into the elevator. She turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
A couple of floors later, another young and beautiful woman, smelling like expensive perfume, gets into the elevator. She turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
Three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination. As she exits the elevator, she peers at both women, bends over and farts, then bellows, "Broccoli, 49 cents a kilo!"
:o
Last night, I went with some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around I saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired a consulting firm to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed! I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant... That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the end of our "you know what," we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
"Hhmmm...After you get it out, how do you put it back?" I asked.
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others... but I use the spoon."
8)
One of my friends is a really hardcore raver. She keeps trying to make me rave with her, and she won't techno for an answer. :o
When you have had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT days, try this. On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by *Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer and remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that *every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested. Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company."
:o
There was an American family, from Texas, who had never been to the city or been in a building.
One day, they went into the city. They came inside a building that had a elevator. They just stared at it not knowing what it was. They saw people go in and people come out but the had no idea where they went.
The day and son kept looking at it while the mum and daughter looked around. They saw an ugly lady go into the elevator and a beautiful lady come out. The dad stared then said "Boy go git your mamma"
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a dog is seven. Three plus six, that son of a dog is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a dog is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
;D
A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.
The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"
The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work."
The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud...They're hookers!"
A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?"
The mother replies, "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"
:o
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question, which his son translated. "What are the guys in the big suits doing?"
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon.
The old man got really excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate. He refused.
So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon. Finally, NASA called in an official government translator. He reported that the moon message said, "Watch out for these guys; they've come to steal your land."
;D
You already did that joke about a month ago. Run out of material T Dog? :P
Quote from: T Dog on December 17, 2012, 08:11:33 PM
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question, which his son translated. "What are the guys in the big suits doing?"
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon.
The old man got really excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate. He refused.
So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon. Finally, NASA called in an official government translator. He reported that the moon message said, "Watch out for these guys; they've come to steal your land."
;D
Sorry about that CF. its hard to remeber what I have posted sometimes...will replace with a newie.. ;D ;D
I let out a really loud fart in the restaurant last night.
The bloke sitting at the table next to me said, “That’s disgusting. If you do it again, I’ll tell the manager.â€
So, me being me, I decided to do it again.
He instantly walked up to the manager and complained.
flowering barbie, got me sacked.
8)
Quote from: T Dog on January 15, 2013, 01:14:21 PM
Sorry about that CF. its hard to remeber what I have posted sometimes...will replace with a newie.. ;D ;D
Haha all good, just don't want you getting complacent and repeating jokes :P
“Can I have a double Jack and coke please?†I slurred.
“Don’t you think you’ve had enough, sir?†He replied.
“What? Listen dickhead, I could out-drink anyone. ANYONE! Do you hear me? I’ve been drinking for three days and am going to continue drinking for the rest of the week. Nobody is going to tell me I’ve had enough. So, can I have a double Jack and coke please?â€
“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to step out of your vehicle.â€
???
American Dad just did this at the start of the episode
Steve comes in and after chatting with dad
says to mom "I feel like dad barely knows me"
Fran (mom) says "Steve you're turning into a sensitive young woman"
Lol sorry but I lost it at this gag ;D
I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery. I've had it right up to here with them. ;D
I was walking to work when an old guy summoned me over to a garden.
“Pssstt,†he said. “Hey, boy, you see that rabbit hutch over there? If you go over and pull open the door, there’s a million dollarss in there for you.â€
“Just pull open the door?†I said in disbelief.
He replied, “Yes.â€
I said, “There must be some sort of catch…â€
8)
I have to come out and admit that I’m a heroin addict.
784 Wonder Woman figurines and counting…
;D
I arranged a pessimists meeting today,
It wasn’t a great turn out, the room was half empty.
8)
Quote from: T Dog on January 17, 2013, 11:26:01 PM
I have to come out and admit that I’m a heroin addict.
784 Wonder Woman figurines and counting…
;D
I know its Friday. Had to read that 4 times before I got it.
I try SR... ;D..here's another..
The other day, my mate asked me what I thought of Internet Message boards…
I said I’m all forum.
8)
I just burnt my fingers in boiling oil and screamed “OOH OOH AAH AAH†like a monkey.
It was a chip pan, see. 8)
The death of boxing legend Joe Frazier is being regarded as suspicious.
George Foreman is currently being grilled by Police.
::)
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.
The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, "I am the prime Minister of Australia and I am the smartest woman in Australian history, so Australia's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America ." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.
The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. President. There's a parachute left for you. Australia 's smartest woman took my schoolbag."
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons. My son was born on St George’s Day,†commented the English man. “So we obviously decided to call him George†“That’s a real coincidence,†remarked the Scot. “My son was born on St Andrew’s Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew.â€
“That’s incredible, what a coincidence, “said the Irishman. “Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake.â€
>:(
A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....
She in the upper bunk and he in the lower.
At 1:00 AM , the woman leaned down and gently woke the man saying, 'Sir, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' he replied. 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'
'Ooooh, ok!' she exclaimed.
'Good,' he replied. 'Get your own D*mn blanket.'
8)
The new Ensign was trying to impress everybody with what he'd learned in Submarine School when the Master Chief cut him off.
"Listen, Sir, it's simple," he said. "Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Then divide by two. If it doesn't come out even, DON'T OPEN THE HATCH!"
;D
Packing for my holiday tomorrow:
Shirts - check
t-shirts - check
shorts - check
socks - check
I really should diversify my wardrobe. 8)
My wife said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with American sitcoms.
Happy Days. :D
I was bearing down on the keeper with the ball at my feet, he came out shouting and waving his arms, evidently trying to put me off. He was unsuccessful, I rounded him and unleashed a ferocious shot..
And completely smashed his beehive to bits.
8)
If there are any guitarists here who want to know the secret to making their instrument sound better, stay tuned. 8)
I’ve got 22 notches on my bedpost.
It’s not easy trying to stab somebody in the dark.
8)
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.'' :o
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''
;D
There's a new type of broom out, it's sweeping the nation.
A farmer had a wooden tractor, with wooden wheels and a wooden engine. And guess what...... IT WOODEN GO!
Ever had sex while camping? It's flowering intents.
8)
Great work again Dawg ;D
thanks texbag,,,,, ;D
Here's a bit of history for you guys...
In 1802, the Kiwis invented the condom, using a sheep's lower intestine.
In 1822, the Aussies somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the sheep first!
;D
Quote from: CrowsFan on January 27, 2013, 10:14:40 PM
Here's a bit of history for you guys...
In 1802, the Kiwis invented the condom, using a sheep's lower intestine.
In 1822, the Aussies somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the sheep first!
;D
Then the Aussies ate the sheep, unfortunately so did the Kiwi's :-\
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pot and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod .
:'(
A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"Can't," breathes the bartender. "He's not here. Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
:o :o
A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette. When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.
After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought, "Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"
She got out and walked over to the farmer and said, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"
The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.
The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."
The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car. Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
;D ;D
not gonna lie, I saw this thread pop up again and at first glance I thought it was a thread about Jukes ::)
62 pages of complaints about Jukes would not surprise me though
it isnt?? ;)
There were 10 blondes and 1 brunette hanging on a rope in the mountains. the rope was very weak and the brunette said someone had to let go. no one volunteered, until the brunette finally said she would let go, and gave a heart-felt speech. hearing this the blondes started clapping...
8)
This blonde cop stops a blonde driver and asks for identification.
The blonde driver looks all around in her purse and can’t find her license. “I must have left it at home, officer.â€
“Well, do you have any kind of identification on you?†asks the cop.
The blonde takes out a pocket mirror and says, “I do have this picture of me.â€
“Let me see it,†says the cop. She holds up the mirror and looks in it.
Then she says, “Sorry. If I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have stopped you.â€
::)
A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.
The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal."
"That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car."
"Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."
The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice.
About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?"
"No!" replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it."
8)
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"
"That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."
After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"
8)
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
;D
I tried to catch some fog earlier. I mist. :-X
A man doing market research knocked on a door. He was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. He replied with candor, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob to keep the kids out."
;D
99% of people in the UK say they haven't been affected by eating horse meat.
That's according to a gallop poll
29% of the meat content in Tesco's hamburgers turns out to be horse?!
No wonder they gave me the trots!
Are you in favour of Horsemeat in your burgers? Yay or Neigh?
I expect this only relates to those mini-burgers you have as snacks.
You know, the horse d'oeuvres.
Those Aldi horse burgers were nice, but I prefer My Lidl Pony
Shocking news. Tesco own brand value hamburgers have been found to have traces of real MEAT in them.
Turns out the horses were s*xually assaulted before being turned into burgers police say their main suspect is jimmy saddle
So a man goes to his fridge to cook his beef burgers aaaaandd there're off!!
Breaking news Tesco to launch a new line of burgers for kids called "My Little Pony"
Horseburgers....Essential to maintaining a stable diet.
Camel toes have been found in Tesco leggings'
What do you put on a burger? A fiver each way!
During a ride in a taxi, the rider touched the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
Upon the touch, the taxi driver flinched, screamed, then went into a panic and almost wrecked the taxi. Finally the driver got control and pulled to side of road.
Still shaking, he turned to his rider and apologized. He said, "Sorry about that. This is my first day as a cab driver. For the past 20 years I have driven a hearse". 8)
I think I may have created this joke the other day (well dont think ive heard it before), it is atleast xmas cracker quality.. :P
What do you call a Horse with a flash light? .............
..... A Nightmare
As part of their ministry, the church decided to run a daily soup kitchen. Not surprisingly, the free food was very popular with the homeless people in the area. However this gift did come with a small catch - first you had to listen to a sermon.
Every day the rows of pews would be filled with derelicts, bums, and plenty of people down on their luck. One afternoon, the minister decided it was time again to lecture on the evils of alcohol. In order to get their attention, the minister began the service by putting up two glasses. One he filled with water. The other he filled with gin.
Then he pulled out a worm and dropped it in the water. The worm swam happily around in the glass of water until the minister pulled it back out. As the worm wriggled in his fingers, the minister proclaimed with certainty that the worm loved the water and that the water was safe for the worm.
Then the minister dropped the worm in the gin. Almost instantly the worm died and its ravaged body began to disappear in the toxic element.
The minister let out a satisfied cry of delight. "Do you see what evils this alcohol has done!? What does this experiment prove?"
A wino in the back of the room spoke up. "Reverend, it proves if you drink alcohol, you'll never get worms! Can we eat now?"
8)
A government social worker was visiting the Indian reservation for the first time.
Over by the store, a woman was yelling up a blue streak at an old Indian man. The man looked like he could use some help. The social worker walked over and broke up the disturbance by pulling the man aside.
"Hey, that lady sure has your number."
"She no lady. She my wife."
"You don't say. What's her name?"
"Wife name 'Three Horse'."
The social worker smiled. "Now that's a strange name. Three Horse. Yep, that sure is a strange name. How did she get a name like that?"
"Nag nag nag."
;D ;D
Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:
"Windows frozen."
Husband texts back:
"Pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer really screwed up now."
Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow
"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"
"Yes" says Paddy; "Sticks".
The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As thean began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered -- 'THE TEETH.'
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
Quote from: naste on February 01, 2013, 06:44:43 PM
Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow
"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"
"Yes" says Paddy; "Sticks".
Had me in stitches! :)
We've all heard about men having guts and men having balls. In fact, they are both slang for 'courage'. But you know what? They aren't synonyms.
Do you want to know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...
GUTS- is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met at the staircase by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning or are you going flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, being met at the staircase by your wife with a broom, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."
8)
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello.
He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you Know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that got me so excited I had to lay you right there on the pool table with all my buddies spraying whip cream on us???"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, actually I'm your son's math teacher."
;D
"A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
I LOVE THIS ONE.
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!"
One day a father gets off of work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"
The salesperson answers, " Which one? We have:
Work out Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
Divorced Barbie for $265.95
The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The salesperson answers:
"Sir, 'Divorced Barbie' is a complete set. She comes with:
Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Dog, Ken's Children, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and... as a special feature, Ken's Best Friend."
;D
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his throat to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer.
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
8)
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped a card on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table as he tried to rise. He emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested.
She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and as John doesn't, he should be at her house around 2 PM. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John then quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out. But she had to play her hand out. After mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500".
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
;D
During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub; then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or near the window?"
::)
We were sitting in a fine restaurant when my wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
I said "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"
"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
I said, "That's remarkable, I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."
She hasn't spoken to me since - did I say something wrong?
>:(
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."
:o
Toward the end of the golf course, Harry somehow managed to
hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty
yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he
ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old
woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know
how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for
that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of
your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your
toast for the rest of your life.....as a matter of fact, you
won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"
Then POOF! - she was gone.
After Harry got a hold of himself, he hollered for his
friend, Fred. "Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back, "I'm
over here, in the personwillow."
Harry yells back......"DON'T SWING FRED!!!" "For God sake,
DON'T SWING!!" 8)
Many people are unaware how much the ability to spell correctly is overrated.
Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.
cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
8)
lmao all gold T Dog 8)
my favourite.. ;D
Quote from: T Dog on February 03, 2013, 11:44:12 PM
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his throat to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer.
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
8)
thanks Brad ;D
Q. Did you hear about the new magazine for MARRIED MEN published by Playboy?
A. It has the same pictures month after month after month after month after month...
8)
An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so.
The mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. "Spank him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place."
8)
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.â€
Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer†the father says.
“We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.â€
Franticaly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!†she shouts, “I'll take care of this!â€
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?†and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'
A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69". "What the hell is that?" asks the guy. Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain, "I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine." Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it. The second they get in to the position, she lets go a RIP-ROARING fart. "What was that for?" he asks. "Oooopppps! Sorry, lets try it again." she says. So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose. The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on. "Wait, where are you going?" she asks. The guy says, " If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy !!!!!
A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman. "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shower when you hear the price."
Little Johnny Came Down For Breakfast One Morning And Asked His Grandma.
Little Johnny: “Where’s Mom And Dad?â€
Grandma Replied: “They’re Up In Bedâ€
So The Little Johnny Started To Giggle And Ate His Breakfast And Went Out To Play.
Then He Came Back In For Lunch And Asked His Grandma.
Little Johnny: “Where’s Mom And Dad?â€
Grandma Replied: “They’re Still Up In Bedâ€
And The Little Johnny Started To Giggle And He Ate His Lunch And Went Out To Play.
Then The Little Johnny Came In For Dinner And Once Again He Asked His Grandma.
Little Johnny: “Where’s Mom And Dad?â€
Grandma Replied: “They’re Still Up In Bedâ€
And The Little Johnny Started To Laugh And His Grandmother Asked.
Grandmother: “What Give’s? Every Time I Tell You They’re Still Up In Bed You Start To Laugh! What Is Going On Here? â€
The Little Johnny Replied: “Well Last Night Daddy Came Into My Bedroom And Asked Me For The Vaseline And I Gave Him Super Glue Instead“
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
NOW --------
Enough of that shower . . .
The donkey later came back and bit the shower out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you. 8)
Dudge woke for the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a robber sneaking through next door's garden.
Suddenly my neighbour Grazz came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.
Grazz then began to dig a grave with the shovel.
Astonished I got back into bed.
My wife said, "Dudgie you're shaking, what is it?'
'You'll never believe what I've just seen' I said,
Grazz next door has still got my bloody shovel'.
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a golf club wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball...stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"
;D
There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.
The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage."
The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said "Mmmmm, I smell pancakes."
The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles.
The baby mole said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."
A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse .. The buddy says,"how will I recognize him?" "That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment"
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"? So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. "Nith earzth. can I see her mouf"?
The rancher is gettin pretty pissed off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?
Totally pissed at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arm and jams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's you-know-what, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrathe that.
Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit"?
Quote from: naste on February 09, 2013, 10:51:51 AM
Dudge woke for the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a robber sneaking through next door's garden.
Suddenly my neighbour Grazz came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.
Grazz then began to dig a grave with the shovel.
Astonished I got back into bed.
My wife said, "Dudgie you're shaking, what is it?'
'You'll never believe what I've just seen' I said,
Grazz next door has still got my bloody shovel'.
Haha good onya now he'll want it back.... (http://i1143.photobucket.com/albums/n624/Grazz64/smiley-greet023_zps0da78146.gif)
Why should you wear 2 pairs of undies when playing golf?
In case you get a hole in one ::)
While on Golf
Why do you never play golf with an undertaker?
He is always on top at the last hole.
Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence'. The Chief Priest said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Brother John lived in the monastery for five years before the Chief Priest said to him, "Brother John, you have been here five years now, you may now speak two words."
Brother John said, "Hard Bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Chief Priest said. "We will get you a better bed."
After another five years, the Chief Priest called Brother John. "You may say another two words, Brother John."
"Cold Food." said Brother John, and the Chief Priest assured him that the food would be better in the future.
On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today."
"Old Blanket,†said Brother John.
"Brother John, I think it is probably best that you leave the Monastery. You just don’t fit in," said the Chief Priest. “You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
Spiderman :- Just another teenager who ends up with sticky hands after being on the web..
A farmer drives over to the neighbouring property and knocks on the door
a boy about 9 opens the door
"Is your Mum or Dad home?" asks the farmer
"No they went into town" replies the boy
"How about your brother Howard is he here?"
"No he went with Mum and Dad"
The farmer stood there for a few minutes looking anxious
"I know where the tools are if you want to borrow one or i can give Dad a message if you like"
"Well i really wanted to talk to your Dad about Howard getting my daughter pregnant"
The boy thought for a moment....
"Yeh you would have to talk to Dad, he charges $500 for the bull not sure what he charges for Howard"
Naste accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles
He's now very worried his next crap could spell "Disaster"
A hooded bank robber bursts into a bank where Dudge and Naste are doing their banking, he yells at the teller "Fill this bag up with all the money you got"
As he runs for the door with a bag full of cash the security guard pulls off his hood
Knowing the security guard got a good look at him the bank robber shoots him.
He then notices the bank manager looking at him so he shoots him as well.
He then yells to everyone in the crowded bank "who else here has seen my face"
Everyone in the bank now very scared including Dudge and Naste just stared at the ground
The robber yells again " well did anyone else see my face or not"
There were a few moments of silence where everyone was to scared to speak
Then Dudge tentatively raises his hand and says
"I'm pretty sure Naste got a good look at you"
Quote from: Grazz on February 11, 2013, 03:20:42 AM
A hooded bank robber bursts into a bank where Dudge and Naste are doing their banking, he yells at the teller "Fill this bag up with all the money you got"
As he runs for the door with a bag full of cash the security guard pulls off his hood
Knowing the security guard got a good look at him the bank robber shoots him.
He then notices the bank manager looking at him so he shoots him as well.
He then yells to everyone in the crowded bank "who else here has seen my face"
Everyone in the bank now very scared including Dudge and Naste just stared at the ground
The robber yells again " well did anyone else see my face or not"
There were a few moments of silence where everyone was to scared to speak
Then Dudge tentatively raises his hand and says
"I'm pretty sure Naste got a good look at you"
Anything to save my bacon mate, sorry naste lol
*My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of matches his little face lit up when he tried to walk.. Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.* :'(
A drunken man phoned the local police station to report that theives had broken into his car
"They have stolen the dashboard. the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator" he cried out
However, before the investergation could even start, the phone rang again, and the same voice was on the line
"Never mind" the drunk said with a hiccup " I got in the back seat by mistake"
There were three guys, Ringo, Grazz and naste, talking in the pub. Ringo and Grazz are talking about how much control they have over their wives, while naste sat there silent.
After a while Grazz and Ringo turn to naste and ask him "what sort of control do you have over you're wife"
naste looks at them and says "I'll tell ya what, just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees"
Ringo and Grazz were amazed, "What happened then" they asked . To which naste replied "She said, get out from under the bed and fight like a man"
Quote from: Dudge on February 11, 2013, 01:04:43 PM
There were three guys, Ringo, Grazz and naste, talking in the pub. Ringo and Grazz are talking about how much control they have over their wives, while naste sat there silent.
After a while Grazz and Ringo turn to naste and ask him "what sort of control do you over you're wife"
naste looks at them and says "I'll tell ya what, just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees"
Ringo and Grazz were amazed, "What happened then" they asked . To which naste replied "She said, get out from under the bed and fight like a man"
My wife will never leave me "She wouldn't wanna see me happy"
There was this guy in a bar one night, who got really drunk, i mean really reallly drunk. When the bar closed, he got up to go home
As he stumbled out the door, he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun, and punched her in the face.Well the nun was really surprised, but before she could do anything , he punched her again.
This time she fell down, and the drunk stumbled over to her and kicked her.
, then picked her up and threw her into the wall.
By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn;t move very much, so then he stumbled over to her, put his face next to hers and said "Not so tough tonight are you Batman"
Quote from: Grazz on February 11, 2013, 02:58:55 AM
Naste accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles
He's now very worried his next crap could spell "Disaster"
Brilliant!
There was Dudge, Ringo and Grazz on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
1. to be shot
2. to be hung
3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
So Dudge said, "Shoot me right in the head." (Boom, he was dead instantly).
Then Ringo said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead.)
Then Grazz said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."
They gave him the shot, and Grazz fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.
Then Grazz said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
Finally the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"
Grazz replied "You guys are so stupid..... I'm wearing a condom!"
Better to safe than sorry. ::)
Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they consume.
Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75
Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100
Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150
Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50
Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25
Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight). . . .50-300
Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100
Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250
Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500
Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50
Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300
Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . 75
Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200
Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25
Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350
Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225
Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25
Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750
Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75
Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160
Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12
: Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50
Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300
Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90
Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25
Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350
;D
Grazz and Dudge were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Grazz suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Dudge promptly jumped in to save him. Dudge swam to the bottom and pulled Grazz out.
When the medical director became aware of Dudge's heroic act he immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered him to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Dudge the news he said, "Dudge, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Grazz, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Dudge replied "Grazz didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London.
The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her. Could I please sit in that seat?†he asked.
The lady was insulted; “You Americans are so rude,†she said, “Can’t you see my dog is sitting there�
He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place.
“Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down.â€
The lady replied, “You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant.â€
He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said. “Lady, I’ve been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time; could I please sit there and hold your dog?â€
The lady replied, “You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious.â€
With that comment, the soldier completely lost his temper. He stepped over, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down. As she watched the young man shaking with anger, the lady was speechless, but at least had the sense to shut up.
At this, an older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. “Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady’s description of you or not. But I do know after watching you, I am starting to believe the old legend that only the stupid ones sailed to the Colonies. You Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong dog out of the window.â€
8)
One day nast decided to go to the zoo, while standing in front of the Gorilla's cage a gust of wind blew some dirt in naste's eyes.
As nasty rubbed his eyelid the Gorilla went nuts and pulled the bars apart and proceeded to beat nasty to a pulp.
When nast regained consciousness he went to the zookeeper and explained what had just happened to him with the Gorilla.
Nodding the zookeeper replied,"well you see sir in Gorilla language pulling down your eyelid means F You, you made him angry"
Very unhappy with the explanation nast decided some revenge was in order for the beating he had received from the irate Gorilla
The next day he brought with him to the zoo 1 sausage, 2 party hats, 2 party horns and 2 knives.
Once in the zoo naste placed the sausage in his pants and went over to the Gorilla knowing that they will imitate what humans do.
Naste threw one party hat into the cage to attract the Gorilla then put his Party hat on which the Gorilla imediately copied.
Naste gave a little chuckle to himself then threw the Party horn into the cage, He blew his and the Gorilla blew his in turn.
Naste believed he had him now and threw one of the knives into the cage, pulled out the sausage from his fly and cut it in half.
The Gorilla looked at naste and then pulled his eyelid down.
Grazz was walking along a sidewalk in a very gentle manner, almost as if he were walking on eggs. Two doctors, also on foot, were across the street. They spotted Grazz and began to discuss his condition. "Prostrate trouble," said the first doctor.
"Oh no, not at all. That's a case of hemorrhoids if ever I saw one", said the other.
They tossed it back and forth until one of them suggested going over to talk to Grazz. "Mister, this gentleman and I are both doctors," said one, "and if you'll pardon our intrusion, I figured you have a bad prostrate problem, but my colleague thought it to be hemorrhoids. Might you state the problem so that we can solve our little dilemma?"
"Well", said Grazz, "all three of us were wrong. I thought it was gas.
A man drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a party. Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife who was an insanely jealous and suspicious woman.
Later that night, the man and his wife were in the car when he spotted a high-heeled shoe under the passenger seat. While his wife wasn’t looking, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window. Later, as they got out of the car, his wife asked, “Honey, have you seen my other shoe?â€
>:(
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Would you let me buy your dinner to make it up to you?" she says. Smitten, he says yes.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater. Then they have drinks. They talk, they laugh, they share their deepest dreams.
She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been incredible!!!! He is drawn to praise her. "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"Oh heavens no," she replies......... "You just happened to catch my eye." :o
Crazy Mike the Biker walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny...keep me potent."
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label, "Viagra Extra Strength," and says, "Here, if you take this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!"
Then Crazy Mike says, "Gimme three boxes."
The next day, Crazy Mike walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.
Crazy Mike says, "Gimme a tube of Dencorub."
The pharmacist replies, "Dencorub? You're not going to put Dencorub on that are you?"
Crazy Mike says, "No, it's for my arms. The girls didn't show up."
:o
For the young, Red Skelton was a marvelous comic back in the 1950s. As you will see, his humor is timeless. These lines are from the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four-letter word
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere...but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"
8)
A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist.
She asked, "Do you have Viagra?"
"Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes," he answered.
"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.
"I can if I take two," he answered.
::)
For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.
Day 1
They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be great.
Day 2
Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel great
Day 3
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.
Day 4
Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.
Day 5
I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well, I have news for you Tanya, I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, you went to sadist school, you are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?
Day 6
Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.
Day 7
Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth drilling at the dentist's. 8)
It’s quitting time and on the way out, a young executive sees the CEO of the company standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
“Listen,†the CEO says, “this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left for the day. Can you make this thing work?â€
“No problem,†says the young executive. This is his chance to show the boss how smart he is. He turns the machine on, inserts the paper, and presses “Start.â€
“Excellent!†said the CEO as his paper disappears inside the machine. “Now I just need one copy.â€
;D
Maw is outside hangin up the laundry, when she hears Paw in the kitchen. Maw walks in and says, "Paw, get out there and fix that there outhouse."
Paw says, "All right, Maw."
Paw walks out to the outhouse, looks at it, and says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"
Maw says, "Yes, there is. Put your head down in the hole.
"Paw says "I ain't puttin my head in that there hole!"
Maw says, "Well you're gonna have to if'n you're gonna fix the problem!"
Paw puts his head down in the hole (just a little bit mind ya) and he hollers, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"
Maw hollers, "Now pull your head out of the hole."
Paw goes to lift up his head and he says, "Oww! OWW! Maw! MAW, my beard's stuck in the cracks in the seat!"
Maw says, "Aggravatin', ain't it?"
:o :o
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."
;D
The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town.
One day, walking down Main St., he noticed a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. "I'd love to go home with you. You're such a cutie."
"I don't mean my home," he stammered. "We have to get you out of here now."
With that he attempted to get Mrs. Fitzgerald on her feet. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she had had too much to drink grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up laying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Hey, look here buddy, we won't have any of that carrying around in this bar!"
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender looked surprised, then said, "Hell then, if you're that far in, you might as well finish it up."
;D
One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun. The woman doctor agrees to it. So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so. Afterwards, the man says to the woman, You're a surgeon, aren't you? Yeah, how did you know? The man says, I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started. Oh, that makes sense, says the woman. Youre an anesthesiologist aren't you? Yeah, says the man, a bit surprised. How did you know? The woman answers, Because I didn't feel a thing.
8)
Uncle Ajax prided himself on his memory. He always knew where he put down his glasses, and he never seemed to forget which box held his old watches and ties. Nonetheless, one morning he discovered that his expensive new hat was not on the hatrack by the front door. He couldn’t remember where he had worn it last, and he hadn’t gone anywhere without it. His wife didn’t know anything about it, and that lost hat really aggravated him. He spent days looking for it.
Finally, he accepted the fact that the hat was gone forever, andâ€"since he was also something of a cheatâ€"he decided that he’d go to the nearby church on Sunday morning, where there would be a lot of men showing up in their best clothesâ€"including, of course, fine hats. He would come in a little late and sit at the back. Then, during the service, he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.
On Sunday, he went to the church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 Commandments. He sat through the whole sermon. The sermon had apparently really reached him, because, instead of sneaking out and stealing one of the parishioners’ hats, he stayed behind as everyone else left the building, and went up to the pulpit to talk to the minister.
He said to the minister, “Father, I have to admit that I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind.â€
The minister was visibly pleased, having served in that parish for 20 years without a single member complimenting him on anything he had ever said. “Bless you, my son,†he burbled. “Was it when I started to preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?â€
My uncle responded, “No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach about that, I remembered where I left my hat.â€
8)
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, wakening round 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying barbie! You've been playing golf!"
8)
That's the stuff! Gold again T Dawg ;D
Thanks Tbag
Sarah, a recently widowed lady, had decided it was time to stop mourning, pack her bags and get on with her life. She had just begun to settle in at her new Golden Years retirement home at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She hadn't found anyone just yet that she "connected with" and was feeling kinda blue. One morning she was going nuts watching all the "old people" sitting around and playing bingo.
Finally she couldn't take it any more so she grabbed a beach towel and walked four blocks to the nearby beach. She rented a beach chair and an umbrella. She found a pleasant spot and began to read her racy bodice-ripper novel about the ship's captain and the sultry slave girl he had rescued from the pirates. Sarah enjoyed reading a particularly well-written love scene.
When the chapter ended, she looked up and noticed that a man about her age had placed his blanket on the sand nearby and was also reading a book. By chance there was absolutely no one else around.
Smiling, Sarah attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, how are you?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded as he looked up from his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied. To her disappointment, his eyes again turned back to his book.
Undaunted she decided to continue. "Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Suntree Village," he answered, and then resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like personcats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, walked over, pulled Sarah onto his blanket, tore off her swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
::) ::)
There was a poor dirt farming family in Ireland. All they had was this one milk cow. The would turn the milk to cheese and sell at the market to buy food.
Well, one morning, the father wakes up and sees the milk cow dead. So he hangs himself in the tree.
The mother wakes up, sees the milk cow dead and her husband hanging from the tree and throws herself into the river and she washes up on the shore.
The oldest son wakes up, sees the milk cow dead, his father hanged and, by his mother who has washed up on the shore, a leprechaun - a female leprechaun.
She says " Looks like you're having a bad day". he say "I should say so." She says "i'll make you a deal, if you make love to me 10 times in a row, I'll bring your mom and dad back, and even the milk cow".
He says "why not?". He almost makes it but fails, so she kills him.
The next son wakes up, sees the milk cow dead, his father hanging and his mother and brother dead by the shore near the leprechaun.
She tells him "if you make love to me 10 times in a row, I'll bring you father, mother and brother back, and also the milk cow". He agrees. He doesn't make it either, so the leprechaun kills him.
The youngest son wakes up, sees the milk cow dead, the father hanging from the tree, and his mother and two brothers dead by the shore, and the female leprechaun.
She tells him "if you make love to me 10 times in a row, without stopping, I'll bring your father, mother and two brothers back, and even the milk cow".
He says "Well, look at you and look at me, I'm young and virile, let's try it. BUT, what if I make love to you 15 times in a row?"
She says, "In that case, I'll bring your father, mother and brothers back, even the milk cow and give you nice mansion where your hovel is".
He says "That's fine and all, but what if I make love to you 20 times in a row?"
She says "If you make love to me 20 times in a row, I'll bring your entire family back, even the milk cow, give you mansion where your hovel is and give you a big pot of gold that will last you your entire life".
He says "alright let's get started in a minute, but first, if I make love to you 20 times in a row, what's to stop YOU from dying? The milk cow did."
8)
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.
"Not yet", said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. Mother watches with a frown.
He goes in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick a pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick a cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
8)
Quote from: T Dog on February 23, 2013, 04:14:09 PM
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.
"Not yet", said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. Mother watches with a frown.
He goes in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick a pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick a cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
8)
Here puss-puss-puss, come here , awwh you're a beautifull girl ,lol
A married man left for work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?"
"That would suit me just fine!!" the man said.
Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by with the same result. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye.
:'(
Paddy was arrested for punching his wife - again.
The judge asks, "Tell me, Mr Molloy, why do you keep beating her?"
Paddy replies, "I think it's my weight advantage, longer reach and superior footwork ..."
The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland.
One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.
He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.
"Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly - "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure!" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.
The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.
After a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The pub barkeep looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand. I'm Pastor Fluff."
The barkeep said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish."
My dad worked on the roadwork's for twenty years before he got fired for stealing!
At first I didn't believe it... but when I got home all the signs were there.
St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about footy. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.
"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."
"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."
8)
I can't stand people that don't know the difference between 'your' and 'you're.' Their so stupid... 8)
Quote from: naste on February 24, 2013, 09:11:02 PM
Paddy was arrested for punching his wife - again.
The judge asks, "Tell me, Mr Molloy, why do you keep beating her?"
Paddy replies, "I think it's my weight advantage, longer reach and superior footwork ..."
I lol good one mate
Quote from: T Dog on February 25, 2013, 11:25:16 AM
St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about footy. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.
"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."
"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."
8)
haha classic but probably true :)
Quote from: naste on February 24, 2013, 09:11:02 PM
Paddy was arrested for punching his wife - again.
The judge asks, "Tell me, Mr Molloy, why do you keep beating her?"
Paddy replies, "I think it's my weight advantage, longer reach and superior footwork ..."
I feel like I shouldn't laugh, but it's just too funny!
Q. How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A. By becoming a ventriloquist!
;D
The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The team’s performance soars. They win the county, state and eventually national championship. A few days before the international grand finals, Penelope, a 16-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says, “Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest.†“What?†the coach says in a panic, “How far down does it go?†Penelope replies, “Down to my testicles. That’s something else I want to talk to you about.â€
:o
There once was a lawyer who was so fanatical about his golf game that he used to play every day without fail. One morning he had played the first hole and was just about to tee off on the second, when he saw the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen putting on the first.
The lawyer waited until the woman had reached the second tee and asked if she would like to join him and they could finish the round together. To his surprise the woman agreed and they played the remaining holes. Not only was this woman beautiful, she was also a good golfer.
When they completed their round, the lawyer told the woman that, not only was he a lawyer, but he was also a cordon bleu chef and wine buff. He invited her back to his place for a meal and a few drinks. The woman accepted enthusiastically and off they went. Back at the house the lawyer cooked a magnificent meal. In fact it was more than just cooking it was a performance to behold. They enjoyed good food, good wine and good conversation.
After the meal, the woman repaid the lawyer with the best oral sex he had ever experienced. The lawyer was so taken by the beauty and skill of this woman and desired her no end. He then asked if she would like to play golf the following morning, to which she agreed. Once again they enjoyed a great game of golf, a magnificent evening meal and once more the woman performed sensational oral sex on the lawyer.
This went on for three weeks when the lawyer finally said to the woman, "Listen, the golf and the company have been fantastic! But, there are only so many performances a man can take. When are we going to have sexual intercourse?"
"We can't," said the woman. "Why not?" came the reply. "Because I'm a transvestite" replied the woman.
"YOU dog!" screamed the lawyer, "...I CAN'T BELIEVE that you've been playing off the LADIES TEE FOR THE LAST THREE WEEKS!"
8)
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.....I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started".
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger".
He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then ..........." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
::) ::)
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the flowering wall!â€
8)
3 drunk guys Grazz, Dudge & Ringo entered a taxi.
Dazburg the taxi driver knew that they were drunk so started the engine & turned it off again.
Dazburg said to them."We have reached ".
Dudge gave him money & Ringo said "thank you".
Grazz... gave Dazburg a slap!!
Dazburg was shocked,thinking that Grazz knew what he did.
But asked "whats that for?".
Grazz replied: "CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME, you nearly killed us"!!!!
thats up there with the best naste,had me and the missus in tears :)
The art of farting is practiced by many, perfected by few. Perfecting the art of farting is a somewhat long, difficult but rewarding road to travel down. It is the symphony of foods and body function that causes this reaction we all long to occur. This guide teaches you the methods and mind set used by some of the world’s leading fartology organizations.
1. Your mood will play a major role in farting. Having an “I can’t do it!†frame of mind will not accomplish anything. When it comes down to those final moments when it’s release or hold time, you just have to repeat again and again, “Just let it happen… its ok…â€
2. Diet is another heavy influencer. If you’re a grazer (or vegetarian as they preferred to be called) you’re partly on your way. If you’re older and are using shower assistance substances such as prune juice, you too have a good start. The real winners are your average North American men. Statistically Sunday is prime time nation wide for fart releases. Not only fart releases, but the cream of the crop, wake up the neighbours farts. Why is this? Have a look at the diet of a typical male aged between 20 and 30 watching football on TV… Peanuts, chips, beer, can someone say, fart city? It’s about evaluating your diet, removing the foods that don’t assist farting, and focusing on the ones that do.
3. Important, yet largely unexplored scientifically is the fart event position and location. These two variables can make or break a fart taking it from a stellar world class event, down to an unmentionable discouragement. Try telling a world class pianist that they must perform standing, or telling a tuba player he must lay down during their performance. Farting is no different, it requires positioning that best maximizes the body’s ability to expel gas. Location of the fart event sets the scene and adds emotions such as amusement (elevator farts), excitement (bus farts) and challenge (church farts). Let’s travel forth and delve into the world of position and location…
Leg Lift “Elevator†Position
Standing upright with a slight curve to the back, lift either leg (almost like doing the jig, except with your leg off to the side â€" never to the front) and allow the fart event to occur. This one is by far the most popular. Ranked best position for elevator farts for its ability to expel farts quickly and accurately between floors. The signature of a leg lifter in an elevator is the smile of glee on their face as they exit, as you unknowingly enter.
Pros: Amusement of only being able to guess how many floors the unknowing new occupants must endure. High buildings that you will most likely not visit again are a bonus.
Cons: After a successful execution of the fart, you leave the elevator and the unknowing others enter, which is fine. However, you realize you are on the wrong floor and must re-enter the same elevator. Truly a bad call.
“Imperial†Throne Position
Just a reminder that your mind associates this position with a lack of bodily control. This one involves sitting, squatting or bending down into a huddled position. Some of the worlds most fermented and catastrophic farts were achieved using this very position. Think of it as a game of leap frog, but without the leaping (or at least voluntarily).
Pros: Incredible leverage, captures the true potential of the fart.
Cons: Similar to when taking a shower, which could confuse the mind and cause “dyer†consequences. This one in the car in a new suit on route to a job interview is not recommended.
Wal-Mart Fart Position
There have been so many reports of this position and its success of creating “brown air†that have won it accolades world wide. Shop as you normally would at Wal-Mart. Locate a desired purchase (at least the weight of say, a clothes detergent box) at the bottom shelf in an unoccupied isle. As you are lifting the heavy load in a squatting position, let the magic happen. You will be pleasantly surprised. At first you may point out the similarities to the throne position, but you will be in awe by what the additional weight load achieves. Weight lifters doing squats after a heavy meal know how well weight can affect fartage potency and volume.
Pros: Due to the narrow, almost encapsulating design of the isles, farts can remain lingering for hours after initial production. Many more people can enjoy their shopping due to your efforts versus the leg lift position.
Cons: Eager and usually frantic discount shoppers change isles with a furor only matched by 9am shoppers at a department store boxing day blow out sale. This can result in a by standard surprise attack and the very terrible mission abort consequence.
Power Arching
Lean your hands onto a counter top or table (or if available, hang onto your towel rack) while arching your back. If this is difficult for you to visualize, think back to your last visit to the car repair shop. Similar to the “ass pounding†position you take when getting the quote to have your car’s transmission replaced. Power arching is excellent for “customer service†counters at department stores; local Radio Shack stores when reaching over and examining an expensive and ridiculous keychain that has a flashlight, time telling in 12 languages, compass and calculator all in one; a supermarket you do not usually visit.
Pros: The arching of the back allows your power conduit to be fully utilized. Less conspicuous than the Throne Position.
Cons: A warning to people with small houses or apartments: power arching in the small confines of a room in your house has been known to cause carpet, wall and even ceiling damage. Even more so, lasting damage to newly blossoming relationships with girlfriends and not so blossoming marriages.
In Conclusion
All positions and locations have their pros and cons, it is the duty of an aspiring fart master to leverage the situations and environments available to him or her. With a bit of thoughtful planning you can start off the day with some power arching in the library; do a bit of leg lifting at the food court for lunch; and wind up the day with an all out assault on your senses with a satisfying throne position fart in the car on the way home. Remember, it’s all about position, location and a “can-do†attitude!
8) :-[ :'( ;D
A guy ends up with an older woman at a bar . She looked pretty good for a 55-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. They drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I’d ever had a “Sportsman’s Double� “What’s that?†the guy asked. “It’s a mother and daughter threesome.†she said.
As the guy’s mind began to embrace the idea, and he wondered what her daughter might look like, he said, “No, I haven’t.†They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, “tonight’s your lucky night.†They hopped into a taxi and went back to her place. When they arrived back at her place and they walked into the front door, she turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs “Mom… you still awake?â€
::)
Two blokes standing at the end of a pier. One had ten budgies strapped along each arm,
the other had eight parrots strapped along each arm. They both leap off the end of pier,
flap their arms for a couple of seconds and then plummet straight down into the sea.
First bloke says "I don't think much of this budgie jumping."
Second bloke says "Well i'll never get the hang of this parrot gliding."
;D think about it...
A Carlton Supporter's Dilemma -
Answer on your honour and dignity as a Carlton supporter - what would you do in the following circumstance?
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.
Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thought.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and consider each line - this is important for the test to work accurately.
You're in Victoria, just outside of Seymour, to be exact... There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods.
You are a Herald Sun photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster.
You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. Nature is showing all its destroying power and is ripping everything away.
Suddenly you see a man in the water, he is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud.
You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar.
Suddenly you know who it is - it's Eddie Maguire!! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him away, forever. You have two options. You can save him or you can take the best photo of your life. So you can save the life of Eddie, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the death of one of the Australia's most powerful men.
Now here's the question (please give an honest answer):
Would you select colour film, or would you rather go with the simplicity of classic black and white?
Answer - Colour of course! - Nothing in Black and White ever wins anything!
:-\
Puns
When chemists die they barium
How does moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I met a girl who said she recognised me from a vegitarian club, but i had never met herbivore
PMS jokes are not funny, Period.
When you get a bladder infection, urine for it.
I was wonering why the baseball was getting bigger, then it hit me
Broken pencils are pointless
A few true meanings to things you say and hear....
Statement: “I’m a Romantic.â€
True Meaning: “I’m poor.â€
Statement: “You’re the only girl I’ve ever cared about.â€
True Meaning: “You’re the only girl who hasn’t rejected me.â€
Statement: “I really want to get to know you better.â€
True Meaning: “So I can tell my friends about it.â€
Statement: “She’s kinda cute.â€
True Meaning: “I wouldn’t kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary.â€
Statement: “I don’t know if I like her.â€
True Meaning: “She won’t sleep with me.â€
Statement: “Was it good for you?â€
True Meaning: “I’m insecure about my manhood.â€
Statement: “I had a wonderful time last night.â€
True Meaning: “Who are you?â€
Statement: “Do you love me?â€
True Meaning: “I’ve done something stupid and you’re likely to find out.â€
Statement: “How much do you love me?â€
True Meaning: “I’ve done something really stupid and someone’s on their way to tell you by now.â€
Statement: “I have something to tell you.â€
True Meaning: “Get tested.â€
Statement: “I’ve been thinking a lot.â€
True Meaning: “You’re not as attractive as when I was drunk.â€
Statement: “I think we should just be friends.â€
True Meaning: “Frankly, you’re ugly.â€
Statement: “I’ve learned a lot from you.â€
True Meaning: “Next!!!â€
Statement: “I’m on a long distance call, can you call me later?â€
True Meaning: “I need to turn on my answering machine.â€
8) 8)
Sammy is attending his first Comedian's Convention. He's very excited to see all the comic's he's seen on TV sitting at tables all around him.
The proceedings begin with a joke session. Jay Leno gets up and says "Number 64." Everyone in the hall laughs uproariously, except Sammy. Sammy turns to the older comedian who brought him, and says, "I didn't hear any joke. What's everybody laughing about?"
"These are all professional comedians," says his friend. "They don't need to hear jokes. They all know the jokes so well, they've given every joke a number. They just get up and say the number. It saves time."
Chris Rock has gotten up and said, "Number one hundred forty three," and again, everyone in the room cracks up.
"Could I try it?" Sammy asks his friend.
"Of course," the friend says.
"So Sammy stands up and he says, "Number fifteen." Nobody laughs. Sammy is so embarrassed, he sits back down. Then he hears a voice mutter down near the end of his table, "Some people just don't know how to tell a joke."
;D
The boss (Dudge)walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.
His assistant (Karen)walked up to Dudge and said, "This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?
Dudge told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his "garage door."
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by Karens desk to ask, "When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?"
Karen smiled and said, "No, I didn't.
All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires."
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice †I’d like to try the bet†After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man “what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?†The man replied “I work for the tax office.â€
8)
Subtle ways of letting someone know their fly is open…
The cucumber has left the salad.
I can see the gun of Navarone.
Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
You’ve got Windows in your laptop.
Sailor Ned’s trying to take a little shore leave.
Your soldier ain’t so unknown now.
Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
Paging Mr. Johnson… Paging Mr. Johnson…
You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
Dr. Kimble has escaped!
You’ve got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary.
Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction…
You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
I’m talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.
;D ;D
A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?" ;D
Quote from: T Dog on March 12, 2013, 11:23:27 AM
A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?" ;D
Heard the same joke last week Tdog and rather than an economist it had a statistician. Also added the punch line the Statistician got the job.
I was walking down the street with my wife earlier when she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her. “That’s total bollocks†I replied, by text, from across the road. ::)
We’ve all seen good and bad examples of car stereos. Now you have our new ranking system to best describe them. Even if you’re not into the car stereo ‘scene’, you can still tell the difference between guys riding around with a try hard sound system and one that is flat out bodacious.
Our ranking system is based on star ratings from 5 stars being truly an awesome event which you will never forget, to 1 star, something bad enough you wish you could forget. In a way you may find it amusing but in the end they are in fact quite descriptive and you can use them with friends so they know exactly what you’re talking about when describing someone’s car stereo.
1 STAR â€" Desperation on Wheels
Wow that chick jogging past me has her earphones up loud - I can almost make out the song pla… Hold on a second, that isn’t her, that’s the showerty 80′s something hatchback parked across from me with some doofus driver that’s dressed like he’s out of a B rated version of Boyz N The Hood.
Characteristics: Those 4 full range factory speakers are being pushed way past their limit, crackling and popping more than a bowl of Rice Krispies. You could get better musical fidelity out of a megaphone at a track and field event. Look for the hanging pine air freshener and a heavily faded Garfield doll suction cupped to the back window.
2 STARS â€" Tincan Man
Hahaha, what’s that sound? Oh shower! Its right beside me! I could probably spit louder (and hopefully hit their car). Sounds like the car beside me has it up “pretty loud†(cough cough)… Maybe I should warn him about the possibility of hearing loss, he must be pushing, ohh, 85dB!!! Hahaha!
Characteristics: Usually a level up from a stock system, with a “power booster EQ†under the glove box. Full volume, you’re witnessing popping sounds and distortion like the music is being played through a sand pipe! Look for the KENWOOD sticker on the back window. Even better, look for an ALPINE sticker and then see if the car actually HAS any ALPINE gear in it hahaha.
3 STARS â€" The Juvenile Committee
What is that? Surely that’s not another car going by playing “Another Night†by Real McCoy? shower, it is! An awful lot of crappy treble coming out of that car. Ahhh that’s because its got a row of… FOUR 6×9′s on the back shelf!?!?! As the car goes by you can see the LOUD light glowing on the tape deck. But that’s funny, there isn’t any bass… I could have sworn there was a bass line in that song? Why does that guy have his head hanging out the window looking for people to notice the car? I only did accidentally. Also notice the absurd collection of stuff hanging off the rear view mirror, how dire!
Characteristics: No bass, an abundance of treble, not a terrible amount of distortion but this is only because they got the volume one notch below total catastrophic melt down.
4 STARS â€" Rolling Disco
Someone’s out with their sound system turned up and windows down! But where? Ohhh, I heard it from that far? Geez, if my ears are in pain, what about that guy in the back seat scratching on the windows trying to get out! The power cable running from the battery to the amps is probably thicker than my leg!
Characteristics: Bass notes are pronounced and hard hitting, but aren’t knocking you over. Treble is reallllyyy loud which seems to be trying to make up for the muddy mids? Hmmmmm. Watch for the Knight Rider alarm light blinking back and forth on the dash!
5 STARS â€" The Earthquake Epicentre
WHAT is that sound? An earth quake? Horrendous storm? The arrival of God? You drop to your knees and pray in anticipation of God’s arrival, only to realize that the colossal amount of sound waves relentlessly pounding your body are in fact someone’s car! Oh my! Struggling to stand back up, you brush the dust off your knees, experiencing severe disorientation and an unsettling combination of nausia and being on the fringe of an orgasm. It is hard to tell how badly your ears are bleeding because your vision is so blurred from the bass lines. But the bits of ear drum in your hands are an indicator things aren’t good. Wonder if the guy in the car is human?
Characteristics: This car is a mandatory head turner that will have a special place in your heart for your remaining days alive. The car’s subwoofers give you a pressure sensation in your chest only equalled by the astounding levels of spine tingling treble. Basically a live concert for everyone within several city blocks.
:-\
Fishing in a frozen lake
It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish.
Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. "Son" he said, "I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?" The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." "What was that?" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying." The boy spat the bait into his hand and said... "You have to keep the worms warm!" :o
A few sick ones ...
Down in Virginia, the prosecutors brag they could get a grand jury to bring a ham sandwich to trial. In fact, just last week, a banana was actually convicted of murder. It was overturned on appeal.
Two pretzels were walking down the street, then one got a-salted
A scientist cloned himself, but the clone turned out to be incredibly rude. Eventually, the scientist got sick of his clone and pushed him over a cliff. The next day he was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.
A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer,he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie!" Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender. A few sips later the voice said, "Beautiful shirt." At this, the man called the bartender over."Hey, I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us.""It's the peanuts," answered the bartender. "They're complimentary."
two flies are arguing on a toilet seat.....
one of em gets pissed off
a fish runs into a wall......
DAM
;D ;D
for all you students of psychology...
During its heyday the Wells Fargo Company employed a number of specialized stagecoaches such as one with a church for Sunday operation. One of the more popular models featured a darkroom on board, so passengers who took pictures could have them processed en route and the prints delivered at their destination.
One day a stagecoach equipped with a darkroom was headed for Wichita when, passing through a small town, it was intercepted by the local marshall, who said, "Halt in the name of the law!"
"What's the problem?" the stagecoach driver asked.
"You should know that the operation of a mobile darkroom is illegal in Kansas," the marshall said.
At this point two psychologists on horseback arrived on the scene. One of them said, "I suppose what we have here is a classic case of the Oedipus complex."
The other said, "No, it's much simpler than that -- it's just an arrested stage of development."
::)
few more blonde one liners...
Q: What do you give the blonde who has everything?
A: Penicillin.
Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...."
The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair?
A: Last year's hide-and-go-seek winner.
Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A whine cellar.
Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in her ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair?
A: They pull up their pants.
Q: How do you get a blonde on the roof?
A: Tell her drinks are on the house.
Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
A: To keep their ankles warm.
Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
A: A thought.
Q: Why don't blondes get coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.
Q: Why was the blonde confused after giving birth to twins?
A: She couldn't figure out who the other mother was.
Q: Why does a blonde wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means Stop.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde with a PhD in Psychology?
A: She'll blow your mind, too.
Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip-code on her thigh?
A: She wanted a lot of male in her box.
Q: What is a blonde's favorite color?
A: Glitter.
Q: What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
A: Some traffic signs say stop
Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A: It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.
::)
A family tries to convince their father to get a hearing test and hearing aid as they feel his hearing is declining.
He says there is nothing wrong with my hearing I can hear all right being the stubborn day.
One day without telling his family he decides to take of to the Doctor to have his hearing checked. He tells the Doc he wants his hearing checked as the family are concerned that his failing. The Doc test the hearing and says yes the hearing has deteriorated but with this hearing aid you will have 100% hearing but come back in a month to have the settings checked and adjusted.
After a month he returns to the doc and says the device is magnificent and he can hear really well. The doc says I bet your family are glad now that you can hear well.
Haven't told them about it yet Doc just listening but I have changed my will three times.!!!
The opening credits of "The Simpsons" shows Bart Simpson writing on the school chalk board the same sentence over and over again, (the old "write it 100 times" punishment). Each episode however the sentence is different. Someone (not me, thank you) went to the trouble to tape the shows, watch and copy down the sentences that Bart writes on the chalk board. The following are the collected writings of Bart Simpson from the opening credits. Even if you're not a fan, you'll like these:
I will not carve gods.
I will not spank others.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless I'm sick
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr. Death.
I will not defame New Orleans.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not bring sheep to class.
A burp is not an answer.
Teacher is not a leper.
Coffee is not for kids.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.
The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
I will not call the principal "spud head".
Goldfish don't bounce.
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
I am not deliciously saucy.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan".
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
There are plenty of businesses like show business.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
I will not waste chalk.
I will not skateboard in the halls.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.
I will never win an emmy.
The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
I will not torment the emotionally frail.
;D ;D ;D
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I’m sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, "What the heck was that for?"
"Your horse called." :o
A man walks into a bar and notices a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. he goes to her and says, "You know, I would LOVE to kiss your breasts!" The embarrassed woman says, "My boyfriend is the bouncer here, and if you don't leave me alone I will go get him!"
"Ok, ok, I will leave you alone.... I am sorry!!" After a couple of drinks the man walks to her again and said, "You know, I would LOVE to kiss you on your ass!" The woman said, "My boyfriend is VERY big and muscular, and if you don't leave me alone I am going to get him!" "Ok, ok, I am sorry.... It won't happen again!"
A few minutes later, the man is blasted, and tells the woman, "You know, I would LOVE to fill up your love canal with whiskey and drink every bit of it out of there!" "Well..... that does it, I am going to get my boyfriend... Now you are in trouble!!"
The woman goes to the backroom, and tells her boyfriend, "There is a man out there who said that he wanted to kiss my breasts!" Her boyfriend stood up, gave a little grunt, and rolled up his shirt sleeves. "And, he said that he wanted to bite my butt!!" Her boyfriend unbuttons his shirt to reveal muscles everywhere, and is clenching his fist and reaching for his ax handle. "And.... he said he wanted to fill my love canal up with whiskey and drink every bit of it out of there!"
The boyfriend takes a deep breath, puts his shirt back on, and sits down and continues to read his paper. The woman is shocked, and asks why he is not going out to get the man. "Well, any man who can drink THAT much whiskey must be one HELLUVA man!"
8)
What did Dr. Dre say when 50 cent gave him a sweater?
"Gee, you knit?"
8)
Son: Dad, why is Britain called a kingdom?
Dad: Because it's ruled by a king.
Son: So, why is Australia called a country?
How do five gay guys walk?
In One Direction.
My hard of hearing mate got fired from Starbucks today after a customer complained that his coffee tasted like shower!
My mate was baffled because he insisted that the customer had asked for a Crappuccino
HUEHUEHUEHUE
How do Mexicans cut their pizza? = With Little Ceasars 8)
*drops mic, Harlem shakes off stage*
Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?
TEQUILA!
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator :)
A cowboy walks into a bar and the bartender notices that everything he's wearing is made of paper - his shirt, his jeans, his chaps, his boots, his hat, his kerchief; even his spurs are paper.
He was arrested for rustling. 8)
How did the hipster burn his tounge on a pizza?
He ate it before it was cool 8)
"A Farewell to Arms" is Ernest Hemingway's novel about an American soldier in Italy during World War I. He falls in love with a nurse in the hospital, decides to go AWOL, and rows all night with her in a boat from Italy to Switzerland to evade the authorities.
His girl friend was sitting in the stern of the boat, and he was rowing in the middle. At one point he said, "Cath, I love you."
She said, "Pardon?"
He said, "I said I love you."
She still didn't hear him, so he removed an oar from the lock, moved up to the stern, resumed steering the boat from that position, and said again, "I love you."
She said, "I love you too, but why are you standing there sculling when you can do so much better rowing where you were?"
He said, "You are undoubtedly right: I just sculled to say I love you."
:o :o
For all you readers out there..these new Dr Seuss books have been rejected..
The Cat in the Blender
Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
Fox in Detox
Who Shat in the Hat?
Horton Hires a Ho
The Flesh-Eating Lorax
How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
Your Colon Can Moo---Can You?
Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
One dog, Two dog, Dead dog, Blue dog
Marvin K. Mooney, Get the F*%# Out!
Are You My Proctologist?
Yentl the Lentil
My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
Aunts in My Pants
Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!
Horton Fakes an Orgasm
The Grinch's Ten Inches
Green Cheese & Spam
Who Flung Goo on Betty Sue?
Come On I Wanna Lay Ya
Russell the One-Eyed Love Muscle
Please Cane Us in the Anus
Blow Blow Til You See it Grow
Feel It, Find It, Pick It, Flick It
Horton Hears His Neighbors In Bed
8)
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:
“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillianâ€
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son… What happened last night?â€
“Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??â€
His son replies, “Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, I’m married!!â€
Broken Coffee Table $239.99 Hot Breakfast $4.20 Two Aspirins $.38 Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!
8)
These three friends all die at the same time and end up at the pearly gates where Albert Einstein is waiting for them. The first chap approached and Alby asks him,
"What is your IQ, my good man?"
"250" the chap replies.
"Ah excellent. We can participate in meaningful and articulate discussions with my mates Plato and Newton about the Theory of Relativity, Chaos Theory, Astrophysics and the Theory of Everything. We will have much to discuss. You may enter."
The second fellow approached the gate and Albert asks him the same question.
"150" was the reply.
"Ah good. We can discuss the fascinating subjects of History, Philosophy, Economics and Sociology. We will have much to discuss. You may enter."
The third chap approaches the gate nervously.
"Now my good man, what is your IQ?"
"50" the third man replies sheepishly. To which Alby's response was ....
"How about those Pies, hey?"
8)
Quote from: T Dog on March 31, 2013, 02:31:56 PM
These three friends all die at the same time and end up at the pearly gates where Albert Einstein is waiting for them. The first chap approached and Alby asks him,
"What is your IQ, my good man?"
"250" the chap replies.
"Ah excellent. We can participate in meaningful and articulate discussions with my mates Plato and Newton about the Theory of Relativity, Chaos Theory, Astrophysics and the Theory of Everything. We will have much to discuss. You may enter."
The second fellow approached the gate and Albert asks him the same question.
"150" was the reply.
"Ah good. We can discuss the fascinating subjects of History, Philosophy, Economics and Sociology. We will have much to discuss. You may enter."
The third chap approaches the gate nervously.
"Now my good man, what is your IQ?"
"50" the third man replies sheepishly. To which Alby's response was ....
"How about those Pies, hey?"
8)
"pin thumps into ground and echoes through the state"
my dream team
Quote from: Cicjose on April 01, 2013, 01:54:40 AM
my dream team
my DT choices and not paying 100% attn
Just visualize this..
Stuck an Easter egg up my nose to be funny..
Got stuck...
Tried to blow it out bushman style...
The egg shot out but i had diarrhea all over my grandmas white couch in front of my whole family...
Stoop up...
Passed out onto couch..
Woke up licking nutella off of my face, was so strange cos i dont remember having any nutella
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman Pinscher and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink."
The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing Eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?" The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua figured convincing him a Chihuahua was a seeing eye dog may be too far fetched, but thought "what the heck", so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing Eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a flowerin' Chihuahua???!!"
8)
Quote from: SydneyRox on April 01, 2013, 02:00:12 AM
Quote from: Cicjose on April 01, 2013, 01:54:40 AM
my dream team
my DT choices and not paying 100% attn
+1 including going on a lads weekend on friday morning and not updating my team and scoring very low
Q:What's the difference between a crap golfer and a crap skydiver?
A: A crap golfer goes...Smack! Oh crap! and a crap skydiver goes...Oh crap! Smack!
8)
The phone rings at FBI headquarters. “Hello?â€. “I’m calling to report my neighbor. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.â€
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.â€
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Adrian, did the FBI come?â€
“Yep.â€
“Did they chop your firewood?â€
“Yep.â€
“Great, now it’s your turn to call. I need my lawn mowed.â€
8)
A man and a woman were married for 40 years. When they first got married the man said, “I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.†In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never looked.
However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer bottles and $1954.25 in small bills. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.
That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?â€
The man thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth: Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.â€
The woman was shocked, but said, “I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen. And I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years.†They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later, the woman asked the man, “Why do you have all that money in the box?†To which the man answered, “Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in.â€
;D ;D
Here's a joke:
Who's really bad at jokes?
Answer: T Dog
hahahaha just joking T Dog is awesome at jokes.
A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So they go into the woods, and they find a bear, and they try to convert it to their particular religion.
Later, they get together, and the priest says, "Well, when I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water."
And the minister says, "Well, I found a bear by the stream. I preached God's holy word to him. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptise him."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying on a gurney in a body cast.
"What happened?" they asked.
The rabbi replied, "I never should have started with the circ*mcision."
"Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Ranger.
"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"
Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Ranger what he meant by that. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Ranger and trouble were old friends,...... but he always told her the truth.
"You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double barreledshot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!'' "Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!
"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double-barreled 12-gauge shot gun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind
Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!"
"Miss Russell, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!"
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts
her Lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there
already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it
is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy
it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I
have a baseball glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my
baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends
like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take
you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father
makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shower
again, you're in my closet now."
;D ;D
10 Reasons Not To Jog
1.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the heck she is.
2.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
3.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
4.
I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
5.
I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
6.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
7.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
8.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
9.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
10.
I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
8)
(http://www.melbournefc.com.au/staticfile/AFL%20Tenant/Melbourne/Images/130213_EmblemM.jpg)
No Excuse !!
It seems that four very low-handicapped players were playing their normal course. Unusually, the play was very slow and the players began to get frustrated. By the tenth hole, they began firing their tee shots at the foursome ahead of them, who were constantly in the woods and were the root cause of the slow play. Finally, the good foursome finished their round, coming in just under eight hours. After spotting the slow group in the clubhouse, they went right after them, swearing their asses off. The club pro saw this spectacle and pulled aside the guys. He said: ``Didn't you know that the foursome ahead of you are all *blind*; they're taking part in a special event.'' After hearing this, the foursome immediately had a change of heart. The first one said, ``Just to show how sorry I am, I'll pay for their green fees.'' The second replied, ``And I'll pay for their carts.'' Predictably, the third member said, ``Whatever food and drinks they want, I'll pay for them.'' The club pro considered their acts very gracious and, turning to the fourth member, said: ``And what are you going to do for them?'' The golfer, still noticeably upset, retorted,
``flower them, they could have played last night!''
A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying:
"NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK" He goes in and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils stashed in his pocket protector, and a belt at least a foot too long.
The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.
The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said.
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident,and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."
8)
A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in shower up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with shower up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with shower up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!" :o
Quote from: BratPack on April 07, 2013, 09:10:38 PM
(http://www.melbournefc.com.au/staticfile/AFL%20Tenant/Melbourne/Images/130213_EmblemM.jpg)
Best one yet!
Heard this one the other day, absolute cracker......
Why couldn't Stevie Wonder see his friends?
Because he was married
What's the difference between Caroline Wilson's person and a deflated Sherrin?
Eventually if you tried hard enough you could eat the Sherrin!
Quote from: McRooster on April 10, 2013, 07:53:15 PM
What's the difference between Caroline Wilson's person and a deflated Sherrin?
Eventually if you tried hard enough you could eat the Sherrin!
oh dear... ::) ::) ::)
Quote from: T Dog on April 10, 2013, 08:32:03 PM
Quote from: McRooster on April 10, 2013, 07:53:15 PM
What's the difference between Caroline Wilson's person and a deflated Sherrin?
Eventually if you tried hard enough you could eat the Sherrin!
oh dear... ::) ::) ::)
Lot of AIR either way!!!
A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run....run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya barbie, r-run will ya!" A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya barbie, r-r-run will ya!" The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run ya barbie, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whisper, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls." After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!" 8)
A blind guy walks into a bar and sits at the bar, after a while he starts chatting to the bartender and he says "hey I've got the funniest joke about Carlton Supporters", the bartender says "I'll stop you there mate, obviously you can't see, but I'm a semi-pro kicker boxer, just doing bar work until i get a few more wins under my belt, the bloke sitting next to you, he's a mate of mine from kick boxing, and the two bouncers by the door, who are in ear shot, they are both power lifters and Karate black belts. Now all four of us barrack for the Blues. With that in mind do you really want to tell your joke?"
the Blind guy thinks about it for a second and says "no way, not if I'm going to have to explain it 4 times"
;D ;D
An Irishman went to confession in St. Patrick’s Catholic Church ..
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession.
I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter another Irish man entered the confessional.
'Father, it has been two months since my last confession.
I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. ‘Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.
The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered ,
'Is that Nookie Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but calmly replied,
'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'..
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."
8)
A trucker stops at a red light and a blonde catches up to him. She knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load. "
The trucker just ignores her, the light changes, and he proceeds down the street. At the next light, the blonde again catches up and says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load. "
He ignores her again and continues down the street. At the next red light the blonde catches up, all out of breath, knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load. "
The trucker looks at her and finally he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's snowing, and I'm driving a salt truck. "
::)
18th Mar 2013
Most people accept that Friday is a dress-down day, but sometimes being casual doesn’t quite go according to plan!
Office memo no 1
Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as dress-down day so that employees may express their diversity.
Office memo no 2
Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for dress-down day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.
Office memo no 3
Casual refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.?
Office memo no 4
A seminar on how to dress for dress-down day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory.
Office memo no 5
As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Dress-down Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper dress.
Office memo no 6
The Dress-down Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter You Are What You Wear and consult the ‘home casual’ versus ‘business casual’ checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your D-dDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.
Office memo no 7
Because of lack of participation, dress-down day has been discontinued, effective immediately.
8)
Does a dyslexic agnostic believe in Dog?
::)
Quote from: T Dog on April 15, 2013, 08:37:08 PM
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."
8)
hahaha this one's my favourite. pure gold mate 8)
A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"
So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"
Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."
:o
Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'"
8)
A Biker walked into a chemist shop in Adelaide, and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and that as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help him.
The biker said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional, and what ever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The biker then agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a ......permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems, and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length, and the absolute best We can do is:
1/3 ownership in the shop ....
A company car...
Five home cooked dinners a week ..
And $3,000 a month in living expenses."
8)
A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER "JESUS".
;D
A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "13.......13.......13.........13" the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned '14.........14.........14.......14.'
:o
Perspective on the necessity of computers in daily life...
An unemployed man goes to try for a job with Microsoft as a cleaner. The manager there arranges for an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning). After the test, the manager says: You will be appointed on the scale of $30 per day. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and advise you where to report for work on your first day.
Taken aback, the unemployed man protests that he is neither in possession of a computer nor of an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies: Well, then, that really means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed. Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and only having about $10 left, he decides to buy a 10 kg box of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells the tomatoes singly at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on the man that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes.
Getting up early and earlier every day and going to bed late and later, he multiplies his hoard of profits in quite a short time. Not too long thereafter, he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again shortly afterwards on a pickup truck. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pickup trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. Considering the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life assurance.
Calling an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order that he might forward the documentation. When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned: "What, you don't even have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce?
Just imagine where you would have been by now, if you had been connected from the very start!" After a moment's silence, the tomato millionaire replied: "Sure! I would have been a cleaner at Microsoft!" Moral of the story: 1: The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life. 2: If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire. 3: Seeing that you got this story via e-mail, you're probably closer to becoming a cleaner than you are to becoming a millionaire. 4: If you do have a computer and e-mail, you're already being taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.
???
Mr.Johnson and his secretary are on a train to Paris. They are just about to go to sleep when the secretary, who has the hots for her boss says in a seductive voice, I'm a little cold, could I borrow your blanket? The man says how would you like to be Mrs. Johnson for awhile? The secretary jumps at the chance and begins to get out of bed. Then he replies, good, then you can get your own damn blanket.
;D
A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of doges who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of doges that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.
Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".
"For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the dog in the kitchen."
8)
A man was granted two wishes by God.
He asked for the best drink and the best woman ever.
He got holy water and Mother Teresa
Wives are magicians. They can turn anything into an argument.
When asked in class; Why do women live a better, longer and a more peaceful life than men?
A very INTELLIGENT student replied:
"Because women don't have wives!
One friend said to the other, "What is a dilemma?
He replied, "Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that.
Imagine that you are laying in a big bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side and a gay man on the other.
Who are you going to turn your back on?"
A lady says to her doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep!
What should I give him to cure it?"
The doctor replies: "Give him the opportunity to speak while he's awake!"
During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."
Two guys were out hunting, but they weren't getting any ducks.
"What do you think the problem is?" one man asked his companion.
"I dunno," came the reply, "Maybe we aren't throwing the dog up high
enough."
;D
Picard: "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"
Geordi: "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."
Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.
Riker: (looks puzzled). "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"
Data: (turns to answer). "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."
Picard: "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
Data: "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."
Picard: "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."
... 15 Minutes Later ...
Data: "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."
Geordi: "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
Picard: "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed."
Data: "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.
Riker: "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."
Geordi: (excited) "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"
Picard: "Data, what does your scanners show?"
Data: "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
Picard: "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."
... Two Hours Pass ...
Riker: "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"
Geordi: "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.
Picard: "How much time will that buy us ?"
Data: "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."
Geordi: "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
Picard: "Identify."
Data: "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"
Over the speakers...
"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"
Data: "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
Picard: "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"
Riker: "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!"
Data: "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits" Riker and Picard together horrified: "Lawyers !!"
Geordi: "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
Data: "True, but apparently some must have survived."
Riker: "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."
Data: "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape' it often proves fatal."
Riker: "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"
Picard: "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that."
::)
Two cows were talking in the field.
One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?"
The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?"
:o
One day, in the shark-infested waters of the Caribbean, two prawns called Justin and Christian are discussing the pressures of being a preyed upon prawn.
"I hate being a prawn," says Justin. "I wish I were a shark."
Suddenly, a mysterious cod appears. "Your wish is granted," he says.
Instantly, Justin becomes a shark. Horrified, Christian swims away, afraid his former friend might eat him. As time passes, Christian continues to avoid Justin, leaving the shrimp-turned-maneater lonely and frustrated. So when he bumps into the cod again, he begs the mysterious fish to change him back. Lo and behold, Justin is turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, he swims back to the reef to seek out Christian.
As he approaches, he shouts out: "It's me, Justin, your old friend. I've changed & I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again, Christian."
;D
A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room retorted, "Yeah, right." ::)
There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.
After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office.
Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office.
During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?"
To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank God I'm not a proctologist.'"
;D
A man entered a church and sat down towards the back of the church.
The Preacher stood up and asked if anybody needed any special prayers.
On hearing this the man stood up and said I need prayer for my hearing.
The Preacher came down placed a finger in each of ears and prayed to Jesus for the mans hearing and that it would now be fine.
On conclusion the Preachers asked How is your hearing now?
Don't know said the man I do not go to court till Tuesday.
top ten least popular self help books
10. "Lie Your Sweet Ass Off And Become A Millionaire"
9. "Choking Coaches For The Soul" by Latrell Sprewell
8. "Combing! The Revolutionary New Way To Adjust Your Hair"
7. "How To Win Friends And Influence People In The Bus Station Men's Room"
6. "If You Want To Lose Weight, Just Stop Eating, You Fat Cow"
5. "George Michael's Do-It-Yourself Handbook"
4. "Five Simple Steps To Reducing All Human Problems To An Over-Generalized Formula"
3. "8 Weeks To A Sweatier You"
2. "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, At Least One Teletubby Is From The West Village"
1. "It's Hopeless" by Jack Kevorkian
:o
Ole vas vorking at da fish plant up nort vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers.
He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said,
"Okie dokie, let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."
Ole said, I haven't got da finkers."
"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lordy- it's 2013 and Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible surgery techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"
Ole says......... "How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?"
Jet Black on hold:
Walt Disney's new film called "Jet Black," the non-racist version of "Snow White," has been put on hold.
All of the 7 dwarfs: Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Forger, Drive By, Pimp, and Wog have refused to sing "Hi Ho" because it offends black prostitutes.
They also say they have no intention of singing "It's off to work we go."
Had a good laugh at number two on that list T Dawg :P
Quote from: naste on May 10, 2013, 06:04:16 PM
Jet Black on hold:
Walt Disney's new film called "Jet Black," the non-racist version of "Snow White," has been put on hold.
All of the 7 dwarfs: Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Forger, Drive By, Pimp, and Wog have refused to sing "Hi Ho" because it offends black prostitutes.
They also say they have no intention of singing "It's off to work we go."
Better than gold....... ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor." :o
There are rumours about a guy up in far north Queensland who regularly swims a crocodile infested river every day to earn a living from tourists.
He wears a T-shirt with a Collingwood logo and the words "Magpies for Premiers in 2013" on it.
When asked how he avoids being taken by a croc he replies "Not even a croc would swallow that!!"
>:(
Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body.
His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy".
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over". The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy".
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two bumholes."
"What, he had two bumholes???" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two bumholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two bumholes...." 8)
A husband leaves the house to go pick up dinner for he and his wife. Shortly after leaving, the doorbell rings.
It is her husbands best friend and she invites him in. Since she is in her bathrobe the man says to her "you have the nicest breasts". She says "thanks but my husband would be mad if he heard you".
He replies "I would pay you $10 just to see one of them". She thinks for a minute and decides to do it.
He says "Wow that is the most perfect breast I ever saw....I will give you another $10 if you show me both at the same time".
She does it, and he gives her the money. The friend leaves and her husband comes home. She says "your best friend just stopped by". He answers "Great did he leave the $20 he owed me ?"
;D
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently I'm still lost... :o
Gillard was asleep in her house and awoke to see Menzies' ghost. She asked, "Bob, how can I make this country better?" Sir Robert said, "Love the Japanese steel producers like I did."
Gillard went back to sleep, this time she woke to an image of John Howard at the end of her bed. She asked, "John, how can I make this country better?" Howard said, "Be honest with the people like I was."
Again Gillard fell asleep and awoke this time to see Harold Holt and asked, "Harold, how can I make this country better?" Harold replied, "Go for a swim like I did!!"
My wife only has s*x with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a s*xy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlour. It was self-service.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no s*x life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.
I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure s*x offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not s*xy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during s*x. She called me from Adelaide last night.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
Confucius Say: It's OK to let a fool kiss you; but don't let a kiss fool you.
Confucius Say: A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise.
Confucius Say: It is better to lose a lover than love a loser.
Confucius Say: Man with a broken condom is called a Daddy.
Confucius Say: Man who mix Viagra and Ex-Lax doesn't know if he's coming or going.
Confucius Say: A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
Confucius Say: Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, and you lose interest.
Confucius Say: Viagra is like Disneyland ... a one-hour wait for a 2-minute ride.
Confucius Say: It is much better to want the mate you do not have than to have the mate you do not want
Confucius Say: A joke is like s*x. Neither is any good if you don't get it.
An Englishman is having breakfast, in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him.
The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: "You English folk eat the whole bread??"
Englishman (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside.
The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England."
The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The Englishman listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??"
Englishman: "Of Course."
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England."
After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"
Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.
Englishman: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
Englishman: "We don't. In England, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France." 8)
There were three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde. They all worked together at an office.
Every day they noticed that their boss left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that today when the boss left, they would all leave early too.
The boss left and so did they. The Brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning. The Red Head went home to get in a quick work out before her dinner date. The Blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She opens the door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her boss, so she shut the door and left.
The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head are talking about going home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early again.
"No," she says, "yesterday I nearly got caught!
::)
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.
The priest asked, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"
Yes, Father it is.
And who was the woman you were with?
I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.
Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?
I cannot say.
Was it Teresa Volpe?
I'll never tell.
Was it Nina Capeli?
I'm sorry but I cannot name her.
Was it Cathy Piriano?
My lips are sealed.
Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?
Please, Father, I cannot tell you.
The priest sighs in frustration. You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot attend church services for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, What'd you get?
Four months vacation and five good leads... 8)
One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana; the next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there.
Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come.
Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back in.
Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house, then back again?"
Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband; I told him he was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!"
;D
not sure if jokes thread or T-Dog thread ::)
Quote from: Tominator on May 22, 2013, 07:52:40 PM
not sure if jokes thread or T-Dog thread ::)
Not sure if Joke or insult ::)
Quote from: specky92 on May 22, 2013, 07:54:45 PM
Quote from: Tominator on May 22, 2013, 07:52:40 PM
not sure if jokes thread or T-Dog thread ::)
Not sure if Joke or insult ::)
Cmon Guys..post your favorites... ;D
A boy sat behind a girl in Religion class
The girl often fell asleep during class
The teacher asked "Who do we worship?"
*boy stabs girl with a pencil* and she screams "Almighty God!"
Girl falls asleep again and teacher asks "Who is the son of God?"
*boy stabs girl with a pencil again* and she screams "Jesus Christ!"
Girl falls asleep again and teacher asks "what did Eve say to Adam after their 23rd baby?"
*boy stabs girl with a pencil again* and she screams "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT!!!"
A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.
"Ah..." said the woman, as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children."
"That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father of THREE children."
The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think."
8)
3 men are being trialled for murder
The first man walks in and says "Hi I'm Steven and it couldn't of been me because I was blowing bubbles"
The second man walks in and says "Hi I'm Todd and it couldn't of been me because I was blowing bubbles"
The third man walks in and the judge says " Let me guess, it couldn't have been you because you you were blowing bubbles?"
The third man says "No, I am bubbles" ;D
At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-Gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."
When asked to comment on the arrest, Tony Blair said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
:o
Definitions Of The Obvious
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ABDICATE: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
ABSENTEE: A missing golfing accessory.
ACOUSTIC: An instrument used in shooting pool.
ACCRUE: People who work on a ship.
ADAMANT: The very first Insect.
ADORABLE: What you ring when you go visiting.
ALARMS: What an octopus is.
ALIMONY: The High Cost Of Leaving.
ALIMONY: The Fee A Woman Charges For Name-Dropping.
ANTIDOTE: The reason Mom's Sister keeps hugging you every time she can catch you.
ANTELOPE: Why Grandpa won't forgive Uncle!
ANTISOCIAL: Mother's sister being friendly.
ANTE MEREDIEM: Thata's why he's my Uncle.
ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work for McDonald's.
ARCHAEOLOGIST: A man whose career lies in ruins.
ARTERY: Study of paintings.
ASPIRE: Where dead donkeys are cremated.
ATLAS: Finally
AUSTRALIAN KISS: Same as French Kiss, ... only down under!
AVAIL: Piece of cloth that stops woman from looking so ugly.
AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tries to do.
BACTERIA: The rear entrance to a cafeteria.
BARIUM: What doctors do when treatment fails.
BIOLOGY: Study of shopping habits.
BIPLANE: The advice I got from my mother on purchasing underwear.
BOYCOTT: His crib.... not hers!
BRIDGE: A game in which a wife is always eager to do her husband's bidding
BROADBAND: An all girl musical group.
BRUISE LEE: Inept martial-arts student.
BUDGET: An attempt to live below your yearnings.
BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with.
CAESAREAN SECTION: District in Rome.
CANTALOUPE: Got to get married in Church.
CARNATION: Country where everybody has a four wheeler.
CARAMEL: A motorized camel!
CAUTERIZE: Made eye contact with her.
CHOOSY BLONDE: One for whom a Tom or a Harry won't do !
CIRCUMVENT: The opening in the front of boxer shorts.
CISTERN: Opposite of brothern.
CLIMATE: The only thing you can do with a ladder.
COFFEE: A person who is coughed upon.
CIONSIDE: What most people do when it rains.
CONSCIENCE: The thing which hurts when everything else feels good.
CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate.
COUNTERFEITER: Worker who puts together kitchen cabinets.
CROSS-EYED TEACHER: A teacher that loses control over her pupils.
CROWBAR: Where birds can get a drink.
DAMNATION: Beaver country.
DANCE: Vertical expression of a horizontal idea.
DARE: Not here.
DEBUT: De part of the body you must park to be seated.
DECAGON: De way you explain how your vehicle was a total washout in an accident.
DECAY: De letter which comes after de J.
DECLINE: Nudists in formation.
DENTIST: A magician who puts metal into your mouth, and pulls coins out of your pocket.
DEPTH: Height turned upside down.
DILATE: To live long.
DISGUISE: Such pains. Always troubling dismisses.
DINOSAUR: How a giant lizard feels after a tough workout.
DISNEYLAND: A people trap operated by a mouse.
DOGMA: Affectionate parent of the little s.o.b.
DOGMATIC: Run by canine power.
DONKEY: Instrument to get you into the godfather's house
ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living.
ECONOMIST: A person who knows more about money than people who have it.
EJACULATE (e-jac-u-late): Jill greeting her boyfriend and informing him he's been tardy again.
ENEMA: Not a friend.
EYEDROPPER: A clumsy opthalmologist.
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FIBULA: A small lie.
FICTION: The story told by a completed Income Tax Form !
FINITE: Sir Lancelot.
FLATULENCE: The emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
FOBIA: The fear of misspelled words.
FORUM: In favor of drinking Bacardi.
GARGOYLE: An olive flavored mouthwash.
GINGER ALE: A drink that feels like your foot when it goes to sleep.
GOLD-DIGGER: A sweet young girl with the gift of the grab!
HABITUATE: Disgusting Mannerisms.... Smoking for example.
HANGING: A suspended sentence.
HATCHET: What a hen does to an egg.
HEROES: What a guy in a canoe does.
HUMBUG: A singing cockroach.
ILLEGAL: A sick bird.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INFANTRY: A sapling.
INFORMATION: How ducks are supposed to fly!
INKLING: A baby fountain pen!
INTENSE: Where campers sleep.
JOKEY: What a dentist uses when you won't open your mouth.
KIDNEY: Midpoint of a child's leg.
LEFT BANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
LOCOMOTIVE: A crazy reason.
LYMPH: To walk with a lisp.
MISTY: How golfers create divots.
MORBID: Higher offer
MUCUS: A cat swear word.
MUNCHKIN: What cannibals do to relatives.
NITRATE: Cheaper than day rate.
NODE: Was aware of.
OUTPATIENT: Person who has fainted after seeing a Doctor's bill.
OYSTER: A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
PARADOX: Two physicians.
PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
PARKING LOT: A place where arguments start from scratch.
PECAN: A container to urinate in.
PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm.
POLARIZE: What penguins see with.
POLYGON: Who left the cage door open?
POST OPERATIVE: Letter carrier.
POTASH: All that's left after you smoke the joint.
PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
PROTEIN: Favoring young people.
PSYCHO-CERAMICS: The study of crackpots.
RAMPAGE: Section of a book about male sheep.
RATIFY: To use a spell and turn a person into a rodent.
REALM: To be charitable ... once again!
REBEL: What you have to do when kids don't come to class when first called.
RECOUNT: Honorary Title reaffirmed by Floridans.
RECOVERY ROOM: Place to do upholstery.
RECTANGLE: What the fisherman was left with after his brush with Moby Dick.
RECTITUDE: The formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
RECTUM: It almost killed him.
REDUCE: A messed up point in Tennis, when you were on 'Advantage'.
REGATTA: Where the drunkard found himself tonight ... again!
RELIEF: What trees do in the spring.
RENDER: The Animals that draw Santa's carriage.
ROMAN: What you need to do to win the Regatta.
RUBBERNECK: What tou can do to relax your wife.
SAUNA BATH: A slimming pool.
SEAMSTRESS: Describes 250 pounds in a size 6.
SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.
SUBDUED: A guy that works on submarines.
TERMINAL ILLNESS: Sickness at an airport.
TESTICLE: A humorous question on an exam.
TREASON: What the acorn is to the oak.
TUMOR: An extra pair.
URINE: Opposite of "you're out"!
VARICOSE: Located nearby.
WHOLESOME: The only thing from which you can take the whole and still have some left.
WISE-CRACK: A comedian with a PHD.
YANKEE: The same as a quickie, ...but you can do it by yourself!
ZEBRA: Ze cloth which covers ze breasts!
;D
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken." 8)
The Buffalo Theory of Beer Drinking and Brain Development
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. The slowest buffalo are the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd to move at a faster pace. Like the buffalo, the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by excessive beer drinking and socializing, making the brain operate faster.
The moral of the story: Drink more beer, it will make you smarter.
8)
Quote from: T Dog on May 25, 2013, 04:17:51 PM
The Buffalo Theory of Beer Drinking and Brain Development
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. The slowest buffalo are the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd to move at a faster pace. Like the buffalo, the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by excessive beer drinking and socializing, making the brain operate faster.
The moral of the story: Drink more beer, it will make you smarter.
8)
Absolutely classic!
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for players when a gorgeous blonde lady walked in and asked if they minded if she bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, ''I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked.'' With that, she stripped off all her clothes and then rolled the dice while yelling ''Come on baby, momma needs new clothes!'' She then jumped up and down, hugging each of the casino dealers while yelling ''YES, I WIN! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, I WIN!!'' With that, she picked up her winnings and clothes and quickly left.
The dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded, until one finally asked the other, ''What the hell did she roll anyway?'' The second dealer answered, ''I thought you were paying attention!''
;D
Quote from: T Dog on May 27, 2013, 09:02:05 AM
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for players when a gorgeous blonde lady walked in and asked if they minded if she bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, ''I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked.'' With that, she stripped off all her clothes and then rolled the dice while yelling ''Come on baby, momma needs new clothes!'' She then jumped up and down, hugging each of the casino dealers while yelling ''YES, I WIN! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, I WIN!!'' With that, she picked up her winnings and clothes and quickly left.
The dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded, until one finally asked the other, ''What the hell did she roll anyway?'' The second dealer answered, ''I thought you were paying attention!''
;D
Hahahah, could see that coming from a mile away! Still gold
Six (6) Basic Rules For Good Health !!!
1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, every day is
even better.
2. F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind & body.
3. F***ing refreshes you.
4. After F***ing don't eat too much ... Go for more liquids.
5. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol level !!!
SO ... REMEMBER ...
6. FISHING is good for your health and soul ...
And may the Good Lord cleanse your Filthy Mind !!!
Paddy says to Mick "I found this pen, is it yours?"
Mick replies "Don't know, give it here." He then tries it and says, "Yes it is"
Paddy asks "How do you know?"
Mick replies, "That's my handwriting"
After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full!
A man walks into a bar with his pet octopus. He sits the octopus on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. Everyone in the crowd laughs at him, calls him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus cannot play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just ripping it up. So the man pays him $50.
Another guy walks up with a violin. The octopus plays the violin better than Andre Rieu. So the man pays him $50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. So the man pays him $50.
The barman had been observing what had been happening. He came out and puts a set of bagpipes beside the octopus, who fumbles with them for a minute and sits it down with a confused look.
"What are you messing around for?" the octopus' owner yells "Hurry up and play the damn thing!"
The octopus looks up at him and says, "What do you mean PLAY IT? I'm still working out how to get its pajamas off." ;D
Computer Breasts
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tired of smiley faces? Try these...
(o)(o) Perfect breasts
( + )( + ) Fake silicone breasts
(*)(*) Perky breasts
(@)(@) Big nipple breasts
oo A cups
{ O }{ O } D cups
(oYo) Wonder bra breasts
( ^ )( ^ ) Cold breasts
(o)(O) Lopsided breasts
(Q)(Q) Pierced Breasts
(p)(p) Hanging Tassels Breasts
\o/\o/ Grandma's Breasts
( - )( - ) Against The Shower Door Breasts
| o | | o | Android Breasts
;D
News Flash - - -
"Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned." 8)
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari." :o
Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.
The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed."
The second kid replies, "Yeah? Well, that's nothing.
My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the night shift, he sleeps with the woman next door."
Rodney Dangerfield qotes...
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met!
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
A girl phoned me the other day and said .... "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
I drink too much. Last time I gave a urine sample there was an olive in it.
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
"I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know."
"Its lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom."
"My wife was afraid of the dark, saw me naked, now she's afraid of the light!"
"I told my doctor that when I woke up in the morning I couldn't stand looking at myself in the mirror. He said, 'At least we know your vision is perfect.'"
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
8)
Definitions Male/Female
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
a. female...Any part under a car's hood.
b. male...The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
a. female...Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
b. male...Playing any sport without a "cup."
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
a. female...The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
b. male...Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
4. BUTT (but) n.
a. female...The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
b. male...What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.
5. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
a. female...A desire to get married and raise a family.
b. male...Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
6. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
a. female...A good movie, concert, play or book.
b. male...Anything that can be done while drinking.
7. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
a. female...An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
b. male...An endless source of entertainment, self-expression, and male bonding.
8. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
a. female...The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
b. male...Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
9. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
a. female...A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
b. male...A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 2 1/2 minutes.
10. FOOTBALL (fut-bol) n.
a. female...An annoying 6 month long competition for a partner's attention.
b. male...6 months off from spending time with what's her name.
;D
A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven.
There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No?
St. Peter told him that's bad.
Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No?
St. Peter told him that that too was bad.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No?
St. Peter was becoming concerned. Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime.
Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"
The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her
surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving
her around, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down,
fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet.
I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable,
cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".
"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?
"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.
8)
Here's 30 jokes that I have made up today. Hopefully another 70 to come.
http://100-things-100-days.tumblr.com/post/52101798488/first-10-jokes-for-kathy-griffiths-write-100-jokes
http://100-things-100-days.tumblr.com/post/52116158118/10-more-jokes-for-kathys-write-100-jokes-and-post
http://100-things-100-days.tumblr.com/post/52121614908/jokes-21-30-personal-favourites-so-far-particularly
Keep going LaHug Meister.....100 is a great effort..lol.. 8)
Thanks T Dog. 100 made up jokes in one day is harder than I thought. Here are all the rest!
http://100-things-100-days.tumblr.com/post/52125890368/31-40-running-out-of-good-jokes-now-some-are-still
http://100-things-100-days.tumblr.com/post/52129498082/41-50-getting-awful-now
http://100-things-100-days.tumblr.com/post/52130626807/puns-are-lazy-writing-yeah-well-theyre-easier-and
http://100-things-100-days.tumblr.com/post/52133583097/61-70-and-the-puns-keep-coming
http://100-things-100-days.tumblr.com/post/52135892087/shirley-some-of-these-puns-are-ok-71-80
http://100-things-100-days.tumblr.com/post/52137822479/10-to-go-with-half-an-hour-to-spare-this-is-getting
http://100-things-100-days.tumblr.com/post/52140597434/last-10-proud-of-some-of-this-bunch-this-task-was
Can people in the jokes thread choose their favourites and let me know? I'd love to see which ones people like!
Don't know if this has been mentioned yet, as there are a LOT of jokes posted already, but does anyone else like anti-jokes? My personal favourite is:
A man walks into a bar. He is an alcoholic and it is ruining his family.
Quote from: GoLions16 on June 05, 2013, 02:59:42 PM
Don't know if this has been mentioned yet, as there are a LOT of jokes posted already, but does anyone else like anti-jokes? My personal favourite is:
A man walks into a bar. He is an alcoholic and it is ruining his family.
why did the boy fall off this swing --- because his mum threw a fridge at him.
just soo random i had to laugh
Quote from: Holzman on June 05, 2013, 03:11:34 PM
Quote from: GoLions16 on June 05, 2013, 02:59:42 PM
Don't know if this has been mentioned yet, as there are a LOT of jokes posted already, but does anyone else like anti-jokes? My personal favourite is:
A man walks into a bar. He is an alcoholic and it is ruining his family.
why did the boy fall off this swing --- because his mum threw a fridge at him.
just soo random i had to laugh
That reminds me of another.
Why did Sarah fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Not Sarah.
What has two legs and bleeds?? Half a dog?
Two men walked into a bar, which is funny cos the second one should have ducked.
What do you call an man Italian with a false toe? Roberto
What do you call a Greek man falling out of a plane? Condescending
;D ;D
i found a few...
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always B-negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
And then there was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
;D
Quote from: T Dog on June 05, 2013, 08:50:44 PM
i found a few...
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always B-negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
And then there was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
;D
Some of your best in here mate, loved them! Gave you a cheer for your good work ;)
Thanks Henry 8)
WARNING TO MEN:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police warn all clubbers, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.
The drug is usually found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans from taps and in large "kegs". "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.>
Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sex with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship". It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage". Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory woman administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.
;D
Hahaha, classics guys. I love anti-jokes.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.
Quote from: T Dog on June 06, 2013, 06:16:51 PM
WARNING TO MEN:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police warn all clubbers, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.
The drug is usually found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans from taps and in large "kegs". "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.>
Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sex with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship". It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage". Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory woman administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.
;D
I think it's reasonable enough to say that you get a cheer ;D
What's funnier than cancer?
Everything.
A bear walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation.
Why did the catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree, watching a farmer go by. The owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing, because owls can't talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it's a bird of prey.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs water skiing?
I dont know, but that sounds like a highly improbable circumstance.
A duck walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll it be?" The duck doesn't say anything because it's a duck.
Quote from: GoLions16 on June 06, 2013, 06:29:51 PM
What's funnier than cancer?
Everything.
A bear walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation.
Why did the catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree, watching a farmer go by. The owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing, because owls can't talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it's a bird of prey.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs water skiing?
I dont know, but that sounds like a highly improbable circumstance.
A duck walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll it be?" The duck doesn't say anything because it's a duck.
Not sure why but that second last one is the only joke on here that made me lol
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mable's ear and said,
"Mable, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mable answered, "I have? A suppository?"
She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.
Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
:o
Quote from: Holzman on June 07, 2013, 01:27:33 AM
Quote from: GoLions16 on June 06, 2013, 06:29:51 PM
What's funnier than cancer?
Everything.
A bear walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation.
Why did the catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree, watching a farmer go by. The owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing, because owls can't talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it's a bird of prey.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs water skiing?
I dont know, but that sounds like a highly improbable circumstance.
A duck walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll it be?" The duck doesn't say anything because it's a duck.
Not sure why but that second last one is the only joke on here that made me lol
2nd one and 4th one got me, ;D
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their ass.
I thought the results were pretty interesting:
85% of women think their ass is too big...
10% of women think their ass is too little...
The other 5% say that they don't care --
they love him and would have married him anyway.
;D
A Bad Day
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
>:(
Hormone-ology
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands.
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other.
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.
Pass this onto all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh! Or men who need a warning! And remember: Money talks... but chocolate sings!
8)
Quote from: T Dog on June 11, 2013, 08:55:29 AM
Hormone-ology
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The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands.
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other.
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.
Pass this onto all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh! Or men who need a warning! And remember: Money talks... but chocolate sings!
8)
Ahaha omfg, I love that ;D
My Two Brothers
An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
Every week the man came in and ordered three beers.
Then one week he came in and ordered only two.
He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."
:o
Things You Wish You Could Say At Work
Ahhh... I see the f--k-up fairy has visited us again...
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh-t.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
Do I look like a people person?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
You!... Off my planet!
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, and disorder... my work here is done.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 8)
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn, she rolled the dice and landed on "Science & Nature".
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time, and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
;D
Happy Dieting
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It seems that a lot of people are dieting recently, trying everything from an all-carbohydrate to an all-protein mix. I have another suggestion, one that has worked through the ages: the "Beer-Me" diet. Personally, I have a "liquid dinner" every time I go to the club on Friday night!
FACT: A lite beer has between 70 and 100 calories, is almost all water, and the part that isn't water is almost pure carbohydrates.
FACT: The average diet recommends a daily caloric intake of 1,200 calories for women, 1,500 for men, if you want to lose the medically safe two to three pounds a week. On the "Beer-Me" diet, that equates to at least 12 beverages a day for women, and 15 for men. A measurable goal.
FACT: The alcohol in beer is a diuretic, which causes the water to flush out almost immediately, leading to a consistent workout regimen including deep knee bends (getting out of the chair), fast walking (very good for your heart) and squats (as the case may be).
FACT: Drinking beer actually helps you sleep-even when you aren't necessarily tired. All that added rest is certain to help any problems you may have experienced in sleep deprivation, counting calories on those other fad diets. In addition, you may experience the occasional "How did I get here?" When you wake up, which always makes for lively conversation, and possibly additional exercise if you have to sneak out and run home.
FACT: The "Beer-Me" diet is good for your heart. After just one day of consuming your required 12-15 beers, you will certainly want to consume some aspirin, which is medically proven to help prevent heart attacks.
FACT: On the "Beer-Me" diet you can eat anything you want. The only rule is that you cannot consume any food until you have consumed at least half of the days required beers. This way the food will probably only stay in your body a short time, until you again exercise the deep knee bends, quick walk and, this time, the "lean-over-and-hurl" stomach crunches.
FACT: Beer drinking is often done in bars, where other forms of exercise are common. Dancing, for example, is a good way to build up a thirst, as is chasing members of the opposite sex. If you really want to maximize your workout, try actually walking up to the bar, versus using a waitress. To take this to the extreme, you could even get up and get someone else a beer-perhaps someone who is newer to the diet plan than yourself.
FACT: Beer is cheaper than Jenny Craig.
Based on these facts, let's run through a given scenario for diet implementation.
CAUTION: This is a weekend diet plan, and should be attempted during the work week by only the staunchest of dieters.
MONDAY THROUGH THURSDAY: Eat junk food, and basically be a slob.
FRIDAY: Feeling "huge," swing by the liquor store and stock up. Go to favorite place of beer drinking and begin the consumption process (remember 12 for women, 15 for men).
SATURDAY: Wake up (as required) and lounge around all day, feeling slightly smaller after expunging any food that you may have accidentally consumed (particularly if it involved beef jerky from 7-11). Take aspirin. Notice that you have absolutely no interest in food, anyway.
SATURDAY (p.m.): Restart cycle, noticing that your appetite has still not returned. Perhaps only meet half of your consumption goal due to an ongoing discussion with "the dog that bit you." This is a good thing, as only half-consumption means less than 1,000 calories for the day, and you still don't feel hungry.
SUNDAY (a.m.): Wake up for mandatory sports day. This is a very convenient diet during football season, but it can be successfully implemented year-round. There is some major professional sport being played every day of the year except the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star game (fact-look it up). Consumption on this day should be paced to cover the entire day-you don't want to peak too soon. Again you notice a lack of appetite, and are feeling thinner all the time. Don't forget the aspirin.
MONDAY: Return to work, feeling thinner, well rested, and surprisingly mellow. Mark your log book, and begin preparation for the upcoming weekend. Happy dieting.
8)
Try to imagine what life will be like in the near future. To help you out here are some News Headlines In The Year 2035
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Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language.
Baby conceived naturally....Scientists stumped.
Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.
Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.
Results of 35 year study: diet and exercise are the key to weight loss.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
Capital Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with Congressman.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%. 8)
The Cruise
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An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy.
They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon,
when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard.
They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the Captain
sent the old woman back to shore, with the promise that he
would notify her as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally, the old woman got a fax from
the boat. It read: Ma'am, sorry to inform you that we found your
husband dead, at the bottom of the ocean.
We hauled him up to the deck, and attached to his butt was an oyster,
and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000....please advise.
The old woman faxed back: Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.
;D
Q: How many fishermen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five, and you should've seen the light bulb! It must have been *this* big! Five of us were barely enough!
;D
Beer Facts
It was the accepted practice in Babylonia 4,000 years ago that for a month after
the wedding, the brides father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he
could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this
period was called the "honey month" or what we know today as the "honeymoon".
Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger
into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold,
and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die. This
thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase "rule of thumb".
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when
customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own
pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's".
Beer was the reason the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock. It's clear
from the Mayflower's log that the crew didn't want to waste beer looking
for a better site. The log goes on to state that the passengers "were hasted
ashore and made to drink water that the seamen might have the more beer".
After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or ale,
the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle often without armor or
even shirts. In fact, the term "berserk"; means "bare shirt" in Norse,
and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles.
In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the
navy's rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren't too pleased and called
Admiral Vernon "Old Grog", after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore.
The term "grog" soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When
you were drunk on this grog, you were "groggy".
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or
handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle
to get some service. "Wet your whistle", is the phrase inspired by this practice.
Now you can appreciate the importance of BEER throughout history.
;D
All Is Fair In Business
A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own
opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.'
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and
announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.'
The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign
of all over his own shop. It read: 'MAIN ENTRANCE'
::)
The Touching Speech
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter,
ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to
carry them all, so they decided that one had to drop off.
Otherwise they were all going to fall.
They were not able to choose that person, but
then the woman made a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of
the rope, because as a woman, she was used to
giving up everything for her husband and kids,
and for men in general, without ever getting
anything in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men
started clapping their hands...
:o
Help - song
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(Sung to the tune of 'Help!' by The Beatles)
When I was younger and quite desperate for pay, I worked the help desk for eight hours every day. End users called me up to tell me what was wrong, And now I find, it fried my mind, I worked "the desk" too long.
"Help me if you can, my system's down! And a reboot didn't bring it back 'round! Should it make that awful grinding sound? Help desk pleeeeeease, please help me!"
And now my work has changed in oh so many ways, I wrangle data; I'm an MCDBA. But now and then the help desk sneaks into my dreams, I'm taking calls, I'm up the walls, I wake up with a scream.
"Help me if you can my system's down! I read virus-laden e-mails by the pound! All my data's one big steaming mound! Help desk PLEEEEASE, PLEASE HELP ME!"
When I was younger and quite desperate for pay, I worked the help desk for eight hours every day. But now I wish that I could travel back in time, I wouldn't cry, if only I could leave that desk behind.
"Help me if you can my system's down! Spilled my coffee, now my hard drive's full of grounds! Lost my pictures filled with women bound! HELP DESK PLEEEEEEASE, PLEASE HELP ME! HELP ME! HELP ME! Oooooooo...."
8)
Two guys are drinking in a bar. Soon, a gorgeous brunette comes in.
The first guy says, "Tickle your ass with a feather?"
"Beg your pardon?" she asks.
"Particularly nasty weather," he replies.
The brunette says, "Oh," and leaves. Then a really hot redhead walks in.
The first guy looks in her eyes and says, "Tickle your ass with a feather?"
Her face lights up and she purrs, "Yeah!"
So they leave and two hours later the first guy comes back for another drink. Shocked, the second guy asks the first one how he did it. He explains that he uses the line on every woman, and if they're shocked he covers by saying, "Particularly nasty weather," but otherwise, some girls are up for it.
Eager to try it, the second guy waits for another woman to enter the bar. Soon a blonde walks in.
He nervously says, "Stick your ass with a feather?"
"EXCUSE ME?" shouts the blonde.
The guy reddens and stutters, "Uh, sorry, um... did you know it's flowering raining out?" :o
The 50-ish wife comes up to her husband and says, 'So, Harvey. What do you think of my new bra-less look? Does it make me look younger?'
'It does!' Harvey says. 'It pulls all the wrinkles out of your face!'
8)
In the Beginning - By The Book
In the beginning God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced
with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact
statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was
stymied with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part. Appearing
at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the
first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.
Then God said, "Let there be light." Officials immediately demanded to
know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What
about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a
huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light,
assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would
obtain a building permit, and (to conserve energy) would have the light
out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and
the darkness "Night." Officials replied that they were not interested in
semantics.
God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed."
The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let
waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may
fly over the earth." Officials pointed out this would require approval
from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife
Federation and the Audubongelic Society.
Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in six days.
Officials informed him it would take at least 200 days to review the application
and the environmental impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing.
Then there would be 10-12 months before...
At this point God created Hell.
;D
Life And A Can Of Beer
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When things in your life seem almost to much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar........and the beer.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large, empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things- -your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions--things that, if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff".
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers." ;D
"Of course I won't laugh," said the Nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said Bill, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life.
In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.
Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's private part, she composed herself as well as she could.
"I am so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Bob replied.
A few courtroom questions and answers
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
8)
Were these real? Loved the first one, the conception one and the bearded male or female, good stuff t dog, ;D
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The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words as possible.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
I thought the window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
The indirect cause of the crash was the little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car, and vanished.
A truck backed through my windshield and into my wife's face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the enbankment.
In and attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached the intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to crash.
I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.
To avoid hitting the bumper in front of me, I struck the pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end..
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of my car. 8)
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
Some old men can still think fast....!"
;D
Quote from: T Dog on June 27, 2013, 08:31:48 AM
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
Some old men can still think fast....!"
;D
Hahahahahahahaha ;D
In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying,
"It is a crock of sh*t, and it stinks."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said,
"It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell.
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying,
"It is the container of the excrements, and it is very strong,
such that none may abide by it."
And the Mangers went unto their Directors, saying,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another,
"It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him,
"This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company
with very powerful effects."
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
And that is how sh*t happens. ;D
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.
On your right side is a sharp drop off.
And on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it.
Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
See answer below:
Get your drunk a$$ off the merry-go-round
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife... who will it be?"
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.
"I'll go tell him," says Gallagher.
8)
The Lone Ranger comes into town during the hottest part of summer. He stops outside a bar and tells Tonto to run in circles around Silver his horse, waving his poncho to keep a nice breeze on Silver while he goes in to drink. A couple of minutes later a man dressed in black swaggers into the bar and says "You the Lone Ranger?" "Yes, I am" the Lone Ranger replies. "Oh," says the man dressed in black, "Did ya know ya left your injun runnin?"
;D
Sister Mary Margaret enters O 'Flynn's liquor shop.
"I'd like to buy a bottle of Irish whiskey", she tells O 'Flynn.
The owner of the store shakes his head and frowns.
"A bottle of Irish whiskey? And you being a nun too."
"Oh no, no," Sister Mary Margaret exclaims. "It's for Father Reilly.
His constipation, you know."
O'Flynn smiles, nods, and puts a bottle into a bag.
Sister Mary Margaret pays, takes the bag and goes on her way.
Later that day, O'Flynn closes shop for the day.
On his way home he passes an alley. There in the alley is Sister Mary Margaret.
She's rip roaring drunk, the empty bottle at her side.
"Sister!" O'Flynn scolds.
"And you said it was for Father Reilly's constipation."
"It is," answers Sister Mary Margaret.
"When he sees me, he's gonna shower himself!"
:o
HAHAHHAHAHA. Love your work TDog ! ;D
A were going to go on holiday but his wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him there the next day.
When he reached the hotel he decided to send his wife a quick email.
However when typing the address, he mistyped a letter and his message was redirected instead to an elderly preachers wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her mail, she took one look at the screen and let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen.
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S Sure is hot down here.
;D
Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. This left his wife very mad and she told him.
'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds. AND IT BETTER BE THERE!'
The next morning when his wife woke up and she looked out the window to find a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Excitedly she opened it. What she found was a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since. ;D
One lazy Sunday morning Mrs T Dog and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly, "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.
"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don't want some other a-hole using my stuff."
Mrs T Dog looked at me intently and said: "T Dog , what makes you think I'd marry another a-hole?"
>:(
A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat: "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. "Strike One!" he yelled.
Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he missed again. "Strike Two!" he cried.
The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"
Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!"
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!" 8)
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want um coffee".
The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up".
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want um coffee".
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto, we're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was all that about, anyway"?
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot shower, leave a mess for others to clean up, and disappear for rest of day.
;D
Irish Sugar Test:
One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy - reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.
He pours some whiskey onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.
"Could you taste this for me, please?"
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.
"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.
"No, not at all," says the chemist.
"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."
Objects (Are they male or female?)
Tyre - male, because it goes bald and often is overinflated.
Sponges - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
Hammer - male, because it hasen't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
Kidneys - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
Ziplock Bags - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
Web Page - female, because it is always getting hit on.
Shoe - male, because it is usually unpolished, with it's tongue hanging out.
Remote Control - female, because it gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
Swiss Army Knife - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of it's time just opening bottles.
Copier - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up, it is an effective reproduction device when the right buttons are pushed, and because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
Hot Air Balloon - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and of course, there's the hot air part.
Hourglass - female, because over time the weight shifts to the bottom.
Subway - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8)
A Cat Heaven
One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to Heaven. There he meets the Lord himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to Heaven. Again the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him in a deep sleep on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you arrived?"
The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending by are theeeeeeee best!!!"
:)
Whats the difference between St Kilda and a Bra......
A bra actually has support and 2 cups
:o
Quote from: T Dog on July 08, 2013, 08:07:40 PM
Whats the difference between St Kilda and a Bra......
A bra actually has support and 2 cups
:o
AHAHHAAHAH SO GOOOOOD
Hahaha, yep, that is gold.
Cricket Explained
You have two sides one out in the field and one in .
Each man that's in the side that's in goes out and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out .
When they are all out the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in out .
Sometimes you get men still in and not out .
When both sides have been in and out including the not outs , THAT'S THE END OF THE GAME !
HOWZAT !!!!!
8)
Quote from: T Dog on July 09, 2013, 05:26:54 PM
Cricket Explained
You have two sides one out in the field and one in .
Each man that's in the side that's in goes out and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out .
When they are all out the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in out .
Sometimes you get men still in and not out .
When both sides have been in and out including the not outs , THAT'S THE END OF THE GAME !
HOWZAT !!!!!
8)
Haha love this one, it's a good way to explain the game to a foreign visiter :P
Spelling Errors and Wrong Notes - San Francisco
A man walked into the downtown Bank of America and on the back of
a deposit slip wrote, "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, the man
began to worry that someone may have seen him write the note and
might call the police before he could reach the teller.
So, the criminal left the Bank of America and walked across to the
street to Wells Fargo. After waiting in line for several minutes there,
he handed his note to a teller. After reading it, the teller determined
that this robber was perhaps a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
She told him that because his note was written on a Bank of America
deposit slip, she could not honor his demand. He would either have to
fill out a Wells Fargo withdrawal slip or go back to the Bank of America.
Feeling defeated, the man said he understood and left. The Wells Fargo
teller promptly called the police, who arrested the man a few minutes
later--still waiting in line at the Bank of America.
;D
: How many WWF wrestlers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to yank the old bulb out, throw it on the floor, try and jump onto it from a great height, and act real surprised when it rolls out of the way at the last minute, one to pretend to twist the new one in round and round so far it almost breaks, and some guy in a black and white stripey uniform whose function is never made quite clear to protest about something or other, to the complete indifference of the bulb changers.
8)
Daffy Duck checks into a hotel. He phones the reception & asks for a condom.
The reception lady says "Shall I put that on your bill"?
Daffy Duck replies "Are you thupid, I'll thuffficate!"
In a far-off eastern country, the game of cricket was the most popular sport.
Everybody played it, even the royal family. But one day, the king died and a new king took his place. The new king hated cricket and outlawed it, so all the games had to be abandoned.
It was a case of "REIGN" stopping play. :o
Milk Bath
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on her door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs, I can splash it in my eyes."
:o :o
Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Sydney. The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus and the blonde team rides on the top level.
The brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs, so she decides to go up and investigate.
When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them. They all have white knuckles.
The brunette asks, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the blondes looks up and says to her, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
8)
A blonde was driving home after work, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm.
Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.
He told her to just go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard,
and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe.
Nothing happened.
She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said,
"What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her
to blow into the tailpipe in order to get the dents to pop out.
Her roommate rolled her eyes and said,
..."HELLLLOOOO!!!
You need to roll up the windows."
;D
Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St.Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust. And finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
8)
Beer Facts
It was the accepted practice in Babylonia 4,000 years ago that for a month after
the wedding, the brides father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he
could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this
period was called the "honey month" or what we know today as the "honeymoon".
Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger
into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold,
and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die. This
thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase "rule of thumb".
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when
customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own
pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's".
Beer was the reason the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock. It's clear
from the Mayflower's log that the crew didn't want to waste beer looking
for a better site. The log goes on to state that the passengers "were hasted
ashore and made to drink water that the seamen might have the more beer".
After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or ale,
the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle often without armor or
even shirts. In fact, the term "berserk"; means "bare shirt" in Norse,
and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles.
In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the
navy's rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren't too pleased and called
Admiral Vernon "Old Grog", after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore.
The term "grog" soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When
you were drunk on this grog, you were "groggy".
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or
handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle
to get some service. "Wet your whistle", is the phrase inspired by this practice.
Now you can appreciate the importance of BEER throughout history. ::) ::) ::)
Hangover Ratings
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Does any of this sound somewhat familiar?
1 Star Hangover *
No pain. No real feeling of illness.. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.
2 Star Hangover **
Slight headache. Don't feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.
3 Star Hangover ***
Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching Good Morning with Kochie and Mel. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke - yet you haven't peed once.
4 Star Hangover ****
Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might honk. You have lost the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Moss side secondary school circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one the following: 1. Home time, 2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone, or 3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.
5 Star Hangover (aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell) *****
You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You can't focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your computer screen Rancid vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth, at least you think it's toothpaste crust. You don't give a damn either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an option. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe....very gently.
??? ???
Stupid sports quotes
These are actual sports quotes said by various people throughout the world.
Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye."
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my flowering clothes."
Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road.. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." (1992)
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (1982)
Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back." (1981)
Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?" (1966)
Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm Going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time." (1981)
Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." (1991)
Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating." (1986)
Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker." (1991)
Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot." (1996)
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.' " (1991)
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." (1991)
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject." (1987)
:-\ ::)
Heard this one the other day and apologies to all female members on FF
What do you give a woman that has everything??
Penicillin
The UFO
A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blond attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off. "Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.
"Yeah," said the blond attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"
The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been
working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means
'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"
8)
A blonde dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates,
where she is greeted by St. Peter.
"Welcome!" he says. "Because we are currently operating
at 99% capacity, we can only let a limited number of souls
into heaven. Therefore, you must answer my questions
correctly to gain entrance."
"Okay," says the blonde.
"Here's your question: name two days of the week
that begin with the letter T."
"That's easy. Today and tomorrow!"
"Well, that's not the answer I was thinking of, but I'll give you another question.
How many seconds are there in a year?"
"That's easy. Twelve!"
"Twelve?"
"January second, February second, March second -- "
"Okay, okay. I can see you misunderstood this question as well.
Well, Okay. I'll give you one more chance. What's God's name?"
"That's easy. Howard!"
"Howard?"
"You know -- 'Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...
::)
Mr. Jacobs, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Arnold, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."
Miss Arnold gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Jacobs, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced.
Unperturbed, Mr. Jacobs called on Miss Jones and asked the same question.
Miss Jones, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."
"Correct," said Mr. Jacobs. "And now, Miss Arnold, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment." 8)
Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three:
One to write the light bulb removal program,
one to write the light bulb insertion program, and
one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
;D
The Magic Genie's Lamp
Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic Genie's lamp.
The Genie came out and said: "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you."
The first said, "I wish I were smarter." So she became a redhead.
The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than her." She became a brunette.
The third blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than both of them."
So she became a man.
8)
I was gonna tell a pizza joke, but it was too cheesy.
;D ;D
Have you guys seen the movie 'constipation'? No? me either, it hasn't come out yet...
;D
The Dyslexic, Agnostic, Insomniac was lying in bed wondering if there really was a dog.
One evening an American guy walked into a motel and asked if there were any rooms available. The motel owner than said that there was only one room on the top floor that was available, but it was haunted. If you stay in there Ill give you a 20% discount. The American man didn't believe in ghosts, so he took the room. That night, the American heard this thing going "Got ya got ya now I'm gonna eat ya, Got ya got ya now I'm gonna eat ya, Got ya got ya now I'm gonna eat ya" "OH CRAP" the American screamed, and he jumped out the window and fell to his death.
The next night a New Zealander walked into the motel and said, hey have you got a room I can stay in? The motel owner replied "Just one on the top floor, but it's haunted. I'll give you a 50% disount if you stay in there." The Kiwi didn't believe in ghosts, and was just happy to get a discount. That night, he heard this voice going "Got ya got ya now I'm gonna eat ya, Got ya got ya now I'm gonna eat ya, Got ya got ya now I'm gonna eat ya" The kiwi screamed, jumped out the window and fell to his death.
The next night an Australian walked into the motel and asked it there was a room he could stay in. The bar owner said "There is one room upstairs, but it's haunted. Over the past 2 nights there have been 2 deaths. Look, I'll give you a 90% discount if you stay in there" The Aussie didn't believe in ghosts, do he went up to the room. Later that night, a sound came, going "Got ya got ya now I'm gonna eat ya, Got ya got ya now I'm gonna eat ya" The Australian man got up, opened the cupboard and saw a monkey picking his nose saying "Got ya got ya now I'm gonna eat ya"
Quote from: nrich102 on July 24, 2013, 06:02:34 AM
The Dyslexic, Agnostic, Insomniac was lying in bed wondering if there really was a dog.
Like this one :P
Love it Nrich hahahaha
Thanks boys
On one stormy night, a mans car broke down. The man walked to a light post and stood under it. After he had been standing there for a while, he saw a car coming. Without even thinking of knocking on the window and asking if he could get in, he opened the door and hopped in the car. The first thig the man realised was that there was no driver. The man sat there wondering what was happening, when he saw a corner. The man was starting to freak out, but as the car was about to go off the road, a white hand reached in and turned the wheel. The guy was really starting to freak out, when he saw a pub in the distance. He jumped out of the car and ran to the pub as fast as he possibly could. When he got in the pub, the barman saw he was shocked and asked him what happened. G-g-ghost the man managed to get out.
About 10 minutes later, 2 men walked into the bar. One of them said to the other, "Look, there's that idiot who jumped in the car while we were pushing it."
look at @antijokecat on twitter. All his tweets you think you are about to get a racist, sexist joke, then reality hits. Yes some of them are quite lame, quick exhibit:
A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says: "Why the long face?" The horse, unable to speak english, showers on the floor and leaves.
A chemist and his friend walk into a bar.
The chemist says "I'd like a glass of H2O." So the bartender gave him water. His friend said "I'd like a glass of H2O, too." So the bartender also gave him water, because he knew what he meant and had no conceivable reason to be carrying hydrogen peroxide, much less to be giving it as a drink.
A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a banana martini. The bartender thinks this is a little peculiar and then becomes aware he is actually dreaming. He wakes up from his dream and begins to tell his wife about the ridiculous dream he had. His wife ignores him, pretending to be asleep. The man rolls over and begins to sob because he realises his marriage is in shambles.
A Horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "Why the long face?". The horse then proceeds to explain that he's recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer and only has weeks to live.
Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see
Death: It's your time. give me your hand
Blonde: No! i know that if i dont touch you then I'll never die!
Death: Holy shower! You figured out the key to living forever! You're soooo smart! High five!
Blonde: *high fives*
Death: Typical blonde... Dumbass...
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
There's a blonde. She enters a laughing contest.
There's 10 levels to the contest.
She gets to the 9th level and bursts into laughter.
The host asks her "Why did you laugh, you could have won."
The blonde reply's, "I finally got the first joke."
The person who invented the door knock won the No-bell prize.
I couldn't work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.
Wow some of these are shockers classic ;D ;D
So there was this guy who was really good with wood. He made a wooden motorbike. It was completely wood. The frame was wooden, the handle bars were wooden, the seat was wooden, the engine was wooden. But when he went to start it, it wooden (wouldn't) start! :P
Two cows were standing in a paddock, one cow says "MOOO" then the other cow turns to him and says "hey, I was gonna say that"
Two muffins were getting baked in an oven. One muffin says "wow, it's hot in here" The other muffin says "Holy Crap a talking muffin!"
What do you call a no eye deer?
A deer. The fact it has no eyes doesn't change the species.
::) :P
A blonde went to a hair dresser's one day, listening to a discman. The hair dresser asked her what she wanted, and the blonde replied, "I need to get my hair trimmed, just make sure that you do not take these headphones off." The woman looked at the blonde, surprised, but did as she was told. While she was brushing the blonde's hair, she accidentally bumped the headphones, knocking them to the ground. As she bent down to pick them up, the blonde collapsed onto the floor gasping for air. The hair dresser was very confused. She picked up the head phones and listened. This is what she heard..."breath in...breath out...breath in ..breath out.." ;D
A Collingwood supporter walks into a library and asks the librarian for a pizza. The librarian replies to the man, "Sir, this is a library" the Collingwood supporter then says "Oh, sorry" then he whispers "Can I please have a pizza?" ;D
Quote from: nrich102 on July 27, 2013, 07:03:27 PM
A Collingwood supporter walks into a library and asks the librarian for a pizza. The librarian replies to the man, "Sir, this is a library" the Collingwood supporter then says "Oh, sorry" then he whispers "Can I please have a pizza?" ;D
This is just not right...us pies supporters do not whisper... >:(
A blonde and a brunette decide to start a farm together.
They add up their life savings into a total of $200.00.
Then, the blonde decided to purchase a bull with it.
The brunette agrees, and so the brunette leaves to go find the perfect bull.
When she does she is to telegram the blonde and tell her to come get it.
Finally, the brunette find the bull of her dreams.
The farmer says he wants $200 for it.
The brunette, thinking she can get a better deal, says no to his offer.
The farmer says, "Alright then, I'll give you a great deal, how about $199.00?"
The brunette accepts and buys the bull.
She has $1.00 left for the telegram.
The telegram guy says, "It's $1.00 per word."
The brunette thinks about this and says,"Comfortable, write that."
"Comfortable?" the guy questions.
"Yes, you see she reads slow."
8)
think about it...... ;)
Wow tdog hahahaha very clever :D
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the
horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins
to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but
cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around
the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try
and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become tangled
in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding
hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments
away from unconsciousness when the K-Mart manager runs out
to shut the horse off.
8)
First Class All The Way
I deserve a first class seat
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."
The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.
The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat.
The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."
:o
Cat Prayer
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray this cushy life to keep.
I pray for toys that look like mice,
And sofa cushions, soft and nice.
I pray for gourmet kitty snacks,
And someone nice to scratch my back,
For windowsills all warm and bright,
For shadows to explore at night.
I pray I'll always stay real cool
And keep the secret feline rule
To NEVER tell a human that
The world is really ruled by CATS!
- Author Unknown ::)
Texting for Seniors
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The kids have all their texting codes...like
BFF (best friends forever)
WTF (what the f***?)
LOL (laughing out loud)
So why not some codes for seniors:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friends Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again
WTP - Where's the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!
DTAF - Don't Trust A Fart
8) 8)
Starting to relate to some of these Tdog.
Me too Ringo....especially DTAF... ;D
A Bizarre Interview Technique
A man walks into a building and tells the manager that he wants to join their organization. The manager says, "Okay, but there is one rule you have to follow. You cannot get an erection while you are trying to join this group." The man says O.K.
He is striped of his clothing. A bell is tied around his penis and he is put into a room with nine other men who are also trying to join.
Then a naked woman is sent walking across the room and nine bells are quiet, and his is ringing away. The man begs for another chance and is given this chance.
The woman walks by again and again the man's bell rings again.
The manager says to the man, "Pick up your stuff and go. You are unfit for this organization." As the man bends down to pick up his stuff, the other nine bells start ringing.
8)
Some years ago, a Russian oil baron who had six children, all girls,began to despair as he had no son and heir. Imagine his joy when one of his wives finally presented him with a son and heir. Just before his son's sixth birthday, the baron took him to one side and said, "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane."Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him United Airlines. Just before his son's seventh birthday, the baron took him to one side. "Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you."His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat." Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him The Princess Cruise Lines. Just before his son's eighth birthday, the baron took him to one side. "Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons." Not wanting to look a cheapskate, his father bought him Disney Studios and their theaters, where he watched all his favorite cartoons. Just before his son's ninth birthday, the baron took him to one side. "Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son, who was by now really into the Disney cartoons, replied, "Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit." Not wanting to appear to be tight, his father bought him the Melbourne Football Club. 8)
Is this about Essendon and its supplements issue ???
This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.
:o :o
Red Lights
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, and neither could
barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came
to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it,
I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light
was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was
almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she
might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay
very close attention.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and
they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said,
"Mildred! Did you know that you ran through three red lights in a row?
You could have killed us!
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh No! Am I driving?"
;D
I have a joke
Nathan Lyon
Blondes Fishing
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."
"We don't have any." replied the first blonde.
"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden.
"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." and with that the Game Warden left.
As soon as he Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?!"
8)
There was a magic mirror in this restuarant. If you lie to the mirror you
will get sucked in.
A red head walks in says she thinks she's president and gets sucked in.
A strawberry blonde walks in says she thinks she is as rich as Bill Gates
she gets sucked in.
A blonde walks in and she says "I think..." and she gets sucked in.
;D
You Might Be A Redneck If:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
None of your shirts cover your stomach.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
You judge drive time solely by the number of beers you need to take.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
You own a homemade fur coat.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.
You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
You think genitalia is an Italian airline.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
8)
Three Guys In A Truck
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three guys are riding in their truck, drinking beer, having a good ol' time. The driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car so he pulls over. The other two are real nervous, "What do we do with our beers? We're in trouble!" "No," the driver says, "just do this: pull the label off of your beer bottle and stick it to your forehead and let me do the talking." So they all pull the labels off their beer bottles and stick 'em to their foreheads. The policeman walks up and says, "You boys were swerving down the road. Have you been drinking?" The driver says, "Oh, no officer," and points to his forehead, "we're on the patch, trying to quit."
;D
Fishing
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lilies.
"Tch Tch!" said the passer-by to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help."
So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"
"Fishin', sir."
"Fishin', eh? Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"
The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.
His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"
The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!" :o
FF coaches Nigey, KB and Nails were waiting to tee off when the starter walked up to them and said, "You see that beautiful blonde practicing her putting?"
"Her? Wow, she is beautiful," they all said.
"She's a good golfer," he continued, "and would like to hook up with a group. None of the other groups will play with a wom- an. Can she play with you? She won't hold you up, I promise." They looked at each other and said, "Sure! She can join us." Just as the starter said, the woman played well and kept up. Plus, they kept noticing, she was very attractive.
When they reached the 18th hole, she said that if she sank her 18-footer, she'd break 80 for the first time. "Guys, I'm so excited about breaking 80 that I have to tell you something. I had a great time playing with you. I can tell you all really love golf. I want you to know that I'm single and want to marry a man who loves golf as much as I do. If one of you guys can read this putt correctly and I make it, I'll marry whichever of you was right!"
All three jumped at the opportunity. Nigey looked over the putt and said, "I see it breaking 10 inches left to right." Kilbluff looked it over from all sides and said, "No, I see it breaking eight inches right to left."
Nails just looked at the woman, looked at the ball, and said, "Pick it up. It's good!"
8)
A girl phoned me the other day and said .... "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
:'(
Quote from: T Dog on August 10, 2013, 05:37:50 PM
A girl phoned me the other day and said .... "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
:'(
So I wanked on her couch... :P
Quote from: My Chumps on August 10, 2013, 06:14:37 PM
Quote from: T Dog on August 10, 2013, 05:37:50 PM
A girl phoned me the other day and said .... "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
:'(
So I wanked on her couch... :P
HAHAHAHA ;D ;D
Hahahaha.
The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
8)
Punishment For Gates
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you.
This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy
and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood,
I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which
you'll be locked up forever.
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor
souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive
coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured
by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which
there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table.
To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation,
Bill says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.
"The bottle has a hole in it!"
"What about the PC?"
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.
"And it's missing three keys,"
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete."
;D
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. :o
Helpful tips from Martha Stewart, and the way you are most likely to do it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Martha's way #1:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
My way:
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for pete's sake, you are probably laying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway. You know we don't have anything better to do.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Martha's way #2:
Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.
My way:
Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Martha's way #3:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
My way:
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Martha's way #4:
To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.
My way:
Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Martha's way #5:
To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.
My way:
Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Martha's way #6:
To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet,simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.
My way:
Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Martha's way #7:
Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
My way:
Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Martha's way #8:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
My way:
Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Martha's way #9:
If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up"
My way:
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too darn bad.
My motto:
I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Martha's way #10:
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
My way:
Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Martha's way #11:
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
My way:
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I just won't do it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Martha's way #12:
Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.
My Way:
Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Martha's way #13:
When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.
My Way:
The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Martha's way #14:
To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.
My way:
Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Martha's way #15:
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
My way:
Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Martha's way #16:
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
My way:
Who has left over wine? Never happens in this house.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Martha's way #17:
If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
My way:
Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Martha's way #18:
Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.
My way:
Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.
8)
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
-- Tiger Woods
What is the collective noun for a group of drug cheats?
A Hird.
Quote from: McRooster on August 13, 2013, 07:43:39 PM
What is the collective noun for a group of drug cheats?
A Hird.
didn't take long ;D ;D
Hahaha nice one M !
Man, this thread is so damn good.
Well done to all, especially TDog leading the pack ;) Keep it up man.
"The problem with being the designated driver , it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it.
At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
-- Jeff Foxworthy
;D
Revising 60s Hits
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some of the artists of the 60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:
Bobby Darin:
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash
Herman's Hermits:
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
Ringo Starr:
I Get By With a Little Help From Depends
The Bee Gees:
How Can You Mend a Broken Hip
Roberta Flack:
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
Johnny Nash:
I Can't See Clearly Now
Paul Simon:
Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores:
Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
Marvin Gaye:
Heard It Through the Grape Nuts
Procol Harem:
A Whiter Shade of Hair
Leo Sayer:
You Make Me Feel Like Napping
The Temptations:
Papa's Got a Kidney Stone
Abba:
Denture Queen
Tony Orlando:
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall
Helen Reddy:
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore
Leslie Gore:
It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To
And last but not least:
Willie Nelson:
On the Commode Again
Why did the chicken cross the road?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!
JOHN McCAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road!
HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......
DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.
BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interwesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, forw the firwst time, the heart warming storwy of how it experienced a serwious case of mowlting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dweam of cwossing the woad.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@*&^(C% .........reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken! 8)
Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A: A bad golfer goes *Whack!* "Bugger!", but a bad skydiver goes "Bugger!" *WHACK!*
8)
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? FO DRIZZLE!
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some
extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little
extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would
be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and
noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so
excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and
said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised
her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her
way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much
and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation,
pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said,
"I'll take him and him and him."
:o
Top 10 Blonde Inventions
Water-proof towel
Solar powered flashlight
Submarine screen door
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart board
A dictionary index
Ejector seat on a helicopter
Powdered water
Pedal-powered wheel chair
Water-proof tea bag
8)
Quote from: T Dog on August 19, 2013, 10:58:27 AM
Top 10 Blonde Inventions
Water-proof towel
Solar powered flashlight
Submarine screen door
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart board
A dictionary index
Ejector seat on a helicopter
Powdered water
Pedal-powered wheel chair
Water-proof tea bag
dont want to be that guy, but some of this are is a very impressive inventions
the Kamov Ka-50 is a russian helicopter that before the rockets in the ejector seat fire, the rotor blades are blown away by explosive charges in the rotor disc and the canopy is jettisoned.
A solar powered flashlight is quite common, they gain power in the day and than store it for use in the night.
there is a beach towel that is sand and water resistant.
Good pts Holz..tho it doesnt make them sensible just beacause they are available.. ;D
TGIF
This brunette walked into this shoe store for blondes and she noticed
that TGIF was on all the shoes, she walked up to the sales clerk and
said Gee, blondes must really like Fridays!
The clerk said why do you say that?
The brunette said because TGIF is on all the shoes!
The clerk said Nope that stands for TOES GO IN FIRST!
:o
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for
their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a mobile phone.
She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her
all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping.
Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he says "How do you like
your new phone?"
She replies "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a
bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."
"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
"How'd you know I was at Woolworths?" 8)
A man arrives at the gates of heaven, where St. Peter greets him and says: "Before I can let you enter I must ask you what you have done in your life that was particularly good."
The man racks his brains for a few minutes and then admits to St. Peter that he hasn't done anything particularly good in his life.
"Well," says St. Peter, "have you done anything particularly brave in your life?"
"Yes, I have," replies the man proudly.
St. Peter asks the man to give an account of his bravery.
So the man explains, "I was umpiring this preliminary final between Carlton and Collingwood at the MCG. The score was even and there was only one more minute of play to play in the final quarter when I awarded a free against Nick Maxwell at the Collingwood cheer squad end."
"Yes," responded St. Peter, "I agree that was a real act of bravery. Can you perhaps tell me when this took place?"
"Certainly," the man replied, "about three minutes ago."
8)
Quote from: T Dog on August 19, 2013, 10:58:27 AM
Top 10 Blonde Inventions
Water-proof towel
Solar powered flashlight
Submarine screen door
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart board
A dictionary index
Ejector seat on a helicopter
Powdered water
Pedal-powered wheel chair
Water-proof tea bag
8)
(http://cache.backpackinglight.com/backpackinglight/user_uploads/1209091427_05524.gif)
;D ;D ;D ;D..just add water..lol.... ;D ;D ;D ;D
A High School English Teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for a serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. One smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Not an excuse. You can use your other hand to write with." 8)
Reminds me of this excuse for being late for school -
"As I was getting out the Bus the wind blew my hat back into the Bus so I had to catch another bus to chase my hat down." Very original
Quote from: its me lads on July 25, 2013, 08:34:26 PM
Two cows were standing in a paddock, one cow says "MOOO" then the other cow turns to him and says "hey, I was gonna say that"
Two cows were in a paddock, one cow says "It's really scary knowing that there's mad cows disease out there". The other cow says "It doesnt bother me, I'm a firetruck"
Some oldies but goodies....
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always B-negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
And then there was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
8)
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.
The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$350."
"$350 to tell me my dog is dead?!" exclaims the man.
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $300 was for the cat scan."
::)
Quote from: T Dog on August 24, 2013, 04:44:54 PM
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.
The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$350."
"$350 to tell me my dog is dead?!" exclaims the man.
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $300 was for the cat scan."
::)
The joke is better if you add that the thinks that is a stupid opinion and asks for another, so the vet brings in a dog who does the same thing as the cat, and they call it a lab test ;)
Holes In My Pocket
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joe, the poor guy (he was so poor he never wore underwear), was standing at the bar in his favorite watering hole (so poor he never had enough money to buy beer with, either most of the time) and after having a few decided he needed another. He searched in all his pockets for some more money, even turning his pants pockets inside out in desperation. Finally finding some more money in his shirt pocket, he ordered another pot of beer for himself. While he was downing his suds, another guy came from the back of the barroom and, seeing Joe's pocket linings hanging out, decided to cut them off. After awhile, when Joe's pot was empty, he started looking for more money to buy another beer. He first put his right hand in his pocket. The look on his face changed to one of puzzlement. He next put his left hand deep in his left pocket and his look changed from puzzlement to amazement.
"PRUNES??? PRUNES!!, he exclaimed, "where the hell did I get prunes?". ::)
Now, if you want to tell this or change it so that it is a woman at the bar instead of a man, all you have to change is what she says: "BRILLO PAD??? BRILLO PAD!!" 8)
The Top Signs That You're Being Stalked By A Leprechaun
Generic-looking green van parked across the street
Every time you turn around the pitter-pattering stops and that green fire hydrant seems to have gotten a little closer.
Green lipstick marks on the butt of your undies.
You don't recall owning an anatomically correct lawn gnome.
Card delivered with the bouquet of 4-leaf clovers reads, "I bet you're magically delicious!"
When you come home from work, the potatoes are missing from the cupboard and your parrot is singing "Danny Boy."
Prank caller has a really corny Irish accent, and Richard Gere has an airtight alibi.
Those tiny green hairs on your toilet seat.
Sultry voice from shower soap dish asks, "Is that your shillelagh, or are you just happy to see me?"
Pink hearts, yellow moons, blue diamonds scratched on your car at knee-level.
Them little green pellets in the litter box ain't M&M's, Chester.
Every day this week you've noticed the same buckle shoes dangling just above the floor in the stall next to you.
8)
Watch What You Ask For
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"
The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well, Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella is overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish:
"I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension."
Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold.
Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.
Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!"
The Fairy Godmother replied, "It's the least I can do. What does your heart wish for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again."
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her very soul.
Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke. "You have one more wish, what will you have?" Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful, and handsome young man."
Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.
The Fairy Godmother again spoke. "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.
For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen.
Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close to her ear, whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?
:o
What did one New Zealand Jew say to the other Newzealnd Jew?
Hebrew
I have a few jokes about jews...not too appropriate for here though.
The President of America, the King of England and the Duke of Ireland are captured in a German war camp in World War 2. They discover that around the camp, there's a hedge and a gate, but no fence. 2 guards stand at the gate. One night they decide they're going escape. The President of the US says, well I'm the precident of the United States, I should go first. He starts crawling through the hedge, then when he was half way through, he hit a bush. What was that? Said one of the guards. 'Meow' went the president. 'Its just a cat' said the other. The king of England went next. He was three quarters of the way through, when he rustled a bush. 'What was that?' snapped a guard. The King remembered what the President did, and he said Meow. The Duke of Ireland went next, and when he got in there, he hit a bush. 'What was that?' Snapped the guard again. 'Its just the cat again' said the Irishman.
:o ;D
"When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian, they laughed at me." 8)
Fathers Day weekend....have to tolerate Dad Jokes
IN THE CAR
When driving past a cemetery, 'You know, that is the dead centre of town!'...
When driving past a cemetery, 'That place is pretty popular, people are dying to get in there!'...
When driving past a cemetery, 'They put the fence up to keep everyone in!'
When driving past some black and white cows, 'Boy it must be cold out there, those cows are Friesian!'...
'Where are we Dad?' .... 'In the car'...
When there is a slow driver in the way, 'Come on!! What are you waiting for? Christmas?'...
When driving past a woman, 'ahh, she was good from far, but she's far from good.'...
When driving past a woman. 'Marks out of ten? I'd give her one!'
When an emergency service vehicle goes past with siren blazing, 'You'll not sell many ice creams going that fast.'...
When driving past someone washing their car, 'you can do mine next, if you want!'...
When reading from one of those information signs out in the countryside -
"The rocks you see before you are 26 million years old..."
"Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you..."
8)
Melbourne Football Club apparently about to confess to a systematic peptide and pig brain extract injecting regimen.
Hoping to be elevated to ninth!
Quote from: tor01doc on August 30, 2013, 11:12:16 AM
Melbourne Football Club apparently about to confess to a systematic peptide and pig brain extract injecting regimen.
Hoping to be elevated to ninth!
Hahahahahaha
A blonde I once met at a bar was extreamly confusing because...
..she thought a quarterback was a refund.
..she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
..she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
..she thought General Motors was in the army.
..she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
..she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
..under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
..she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."
..she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "ONE WAY."
..she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
..when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left", she turned around and went home.
..when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
..she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
..if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
..she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
..she had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front." 8)
Its fathers day so....
Dad farts and says, 'speak up Mr Brown, you're through.'
Dad farts and says, 'Better out than in'
Dad farts and says, 'Phew - I'm glad I'm up-wind of that one'
Dad farts and says, 'Ooops, I think I've had a slippage'
'Pull my finger!'
When asking to pass the pepper or salt, Dad will move as though to pass it, then continue his arm in a circle, returning the aforementioned condiment to its original resting place. So the salt has gone past you.
When Dad drops a pea off of his plate 'oh dear I've pee'd on the table!'.
Me: I feel like a sandwich...Dad: Funny, you don't look like one....
When eating mushrooms Dad will always make a remark about how he'd like to eat more but he doesn't have mush room.
"Do you want some food to go with your gravy?"
After a large meal Dad says, "Well that was nice, what's for dinner?"
Me: Please may I leave the table? Dad: And where are you going to leave it?
After a meal Dad says, 'good thing we ate when we did, because I'm not a bit hungry now!'
8)
Another Fathers Joke
Dad the father of four kids got a special Toy in his McDonalds meal and said I must give this toy to one of the kids.
He had to come up with a way to decide who get's the toy.
He said "I will give the toy to the one who does not argue with your mother and does everything that she asks you to."
To which one of the children said "we give up dad the toy is yours."
Old Kev - The tale of a cunning Rooster...:
Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Fred's favourite rooster, old Kev, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Kev's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Fred's amazement, old Kev had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Fred was so proud of old Kev, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Kev the"No Bell Piece Prize,"but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Kev was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully this coming election, the bells are not always audible
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man," said his partner, "you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
;D
Mother Teresa died and went to heaven.
God greets her at the Pearly Gates.
"Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" saith God.
"I could eat," Mother Teresas replies. So God opens a can of tuna and
reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it.
While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looks down into Hell
and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants,
pastries and wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remains quiet.
The next day God again invites her to join him for a meal.
Again, it is tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa can see
the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates.
Still she says nothing. The following day, mealtime arrives and
another can of tuna is opened. She can't contain herself any longer.
Meekly, she says:
"God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for
the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat
is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like
emperors and kings! I just don't understand..."
God sighs. "Let's look at this realistically, Mother Theresa," He says.
"For just two people, does it pay to cook?"
:o
An oldie for all you rugby fans...
A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.
He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic...Tell me about it'.
She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I was a football player!'.
8)
C'mom Nigey whats going on here? ;D
The Dog's Diary
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
The Cat's Diary
Day 983 of My Captivity
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. barbies!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ...
Did you hear about the escalating price of Lamb in New Zealand?
It's up to about $20 per hour ;)
Quote from: McRooster on September 05, 2013, 09:41:05 PM
Did you hear about the escalating price of Lamb in New Zealand?
It's up to about $20 per hour ;)
Eww
Quote from: naste on September 06, 2013, 08:45:18 AM
Quote from: McRooster on September 05, 2013, 09:41:05 PM
Did you hear about the escalating price of Lamb in New Zealand?
It's up to about $20 per hour ;)
Eww
Think you mean Ewe ;)
Little Johnny was sitting in his Prep Grade when the teacher asked each of the students what their fathers did for a living.
Mary answered first, "My daddy is a fire fighter! He puts out fires and saves people every day!"
Next, Billy answered "My dads a cop! He has a gun and drives around in a police car with the sirens on!"
Joey who sat next to Billy answered "My dad is a doctor, and everyday he helps sick people."
These common answers all circulated around the room, but Little Johnny would not answer, so the teachers asked him "Johnny, what does your father do?"
Johnny Calmly took a deep breath and said, "My dad works at a bar and takes his clothes off for other men for money, and sometimes if the offer is good enough, he will go to a cheap hotel and sleep with the other man."
The teacher shocked by this, took Johnny aside and asked, "Is that really what your father does!?!"
Johnny replied, "No Miss. My father plays for Richmond. I was just too embarrassed to tell the truth."
;D 8)
How do you know Kurt Cobain was using anti-dandruff shampoo?
His head and shoulders were all over the wall
Bad language warning
But Hitler is not happy about Richmond result.... 8)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cy_w72DuOmc
I saw a sign at a petrol station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self serve'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit. Now back on FF in the Front Bar.. ::)
A little boy from Melbourne had gone to Rome on holiday with his family hoping to see the Pope. Anyway, a couple of days after they'd arrived, the Pope was doing a tour of the city in his Popemobile. The little lad was a bit worried that the Pope wouldn't be able to pick him out in the crowd, so his Mum said "Don't worry, the Pope is a footy fan, so wear your Carlton jumper and he's bound to pick you out and talk to you."
So, they're in the crowd, but the Pope-mobile drives past them, and stops a bit further down the street where John Paul gets out and speaks to a little boy in a Collingwood jumper. The lad is distraught and starts crying. His Mum says "Don't worry, the Pope's driving around tomorrow as well, so we'll get you a Collingwood jumper and then he's bound to see you."
The next day arrives, and the boy's got on his new Collingwood jumper. The Popemobile stops right by him, John Paul gets out, bends down and says to the lad "I thought I told you to f*** off yesterday!"
8)
I recently dislocated my hip playing rugby, and when i went to the hospital the doctor told me he would have to do some complicated and extensive surgery to fix the problem. But it turns out he was just pulling my leg ;D
Quote from: T Dog on September 11, 2013, 07:55:10 PM
I recently dislocated my hip playing rugby, and when i went to the hospital the doctor told me he would have to do some complicated and extensive surgery to fix the problem. But it turns out he was just pulling my leg ;D
Oh shoot, you make a great dad judging by some jokes here! Little worry I get the same response ??? Tdog for eva ;D
Quote from: tbagrocks on September 11, 2013, 07:58:21 PM
Quote from: T Dog on September 11, 2013, 07:55:10 PM
I recently dislocated my hip playing rugby, and when i went to the hospital the doctor told me he would have to do some complicated and extensive surgery to fix the problem. But it turns out he was just pulling my leg ;D
Oh shoot, you make a great dad judging by some jokes here! Little worry I get the same response ??? Tdog for eva ;D
Yep...dad jokes rule.....get around them.. 8)
a few more dad jokes...
Q: Why can
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer she's "hot" and "sexy"...
When I do it, apparently I'm "drunk" and "banned from Bunnings".
Quote from: McRooster on September 12, 2013, 06:16:10 PM
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer she's "hot" and "sexy"...
When I do it, apparently I'm "drunk" and "banned from Bunnings".
Hahahaha, perfect.
Quote from: T Dog on September 12, 2013, 08:16:23 AM
a few more dad jokes...
Q: Why can
Copy and paste strikes again? Now THAT'S what I call a joke, haha.
Please fix this though m0nty. Seriously.
posted in the music section as well
Bit of Humour concerning Dad
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZxrVquYv94k
Q: How many Australian men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100. 1 to change it and 99 to say "Good onya mate!".
8)
There are rumours about a guy up in far north Queensland who regularly swims a crocodile infested river every day to earn a living from tourists.
He wears a T-shirt with a Carlton logo and the words "Blues for Premiers in 2013" on it.
When asked how he avoids being taken by a croc he replies "Not even a croc would swallow that!!"
8)
Quote from: T Dog on September 14, 2013, 08:11:08 PM
There are rumours about a guy up in far north Queensland who regularly swims a crocodile infested river every day to earn a living from tourists.
He wears a T-shirt with a Carlton logo and the words "Blues for Premiers in 2013" on it.
When asked how he avoids being taken by a croc he replies "Not even a croc would swallow that!!"
8)
Who told you about me?
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He Neverlands
Quote from: NoButYeah on September 15, 2013, 12:19:43 PM
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He Neverlands
I love this joke because it never grows old.
A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep".
Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.
Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man.
He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!" 8)
How many mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to scratch his butt, one to order the wrong part and one to tell you it won't be here until Tuesday 8)
Don't hurt me for this please, it is a joke.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, because we all know feminists can't change anything.
As I said, don't take it seriously.
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweler he wanted a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and found a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something much more special."
The jeweler went to his special stock in the safe and brought another ring back. "This one's $40,000." The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man said, "I'll take it!"
The jeweler asked how payment would be made, and the old man said, "By cheque, but I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday to verify funds. I'll pick up the ring on Monday afternoon."
Monday morning, the jeweler called the old man saying, "There's no money in that account!"
The old man said, "I know, but let me tell you about my weekend!"
8) ;D ;D
Quote from: T Dog on September 18, 2013, 08:40:35 AM
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweler he wanted a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and found a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something much more special."
The jeweler went to his special stock in the safe and brought another ring back. "This one's $40,000." The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man said, "I'll take it!"
The jeweler asked how payment would be made, and the old man said, "By cheque, but I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday to verify funds. I'll pick up the ring on Monday afternoon."
Monday morning, the jeweler called the old man saying, "There's no money in that account!"
The old man said, "I know, but let me tell you about my weekend!"
8) ;D ;D
If ever I am single again.....
8)
Quote from: SydneyRox on September 18, 2013, 11:33:29 AM
Quote from: T Dog on September 18, 2013, 08:40:35 AM
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweler he wanted a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and found a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something much more special."
The jeweler went to his special stock in the safe and brought another ring back. "This one's $40,000." The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man said, "I'll take it!"
The jeweler asked how payment would be made, and the old man said, "By cheque, but I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday to verify funds. I'll pick up the ring on Monday afternoon."
Monday morning, the jeweler called the old man saying, "There's no money in that account!"
The old man said, "I know, but let me tell you about my weekend!"
8) ;D ;D
If ever I am single again.....
8)
C'mon try it out on the Darl...... :o ::) :'( :'(
Subject: Fwd: Male Cycle
Male Cycle
(1) When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
(2) When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
(3) In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
(4) When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
(5) When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
(6) When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
For some reason, "cowboy" sounds better than "cowman"...
Quote from: T Dog on September 18, 2013, 07:37:13 PM
Quote from: SydneyRox on September 18, 2013, 11:33:29 AM
Quote from: T Dog on September 18, 2013, 08:40:35 AM
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweler he wanted a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and found a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something much more special."
The jeweler went to his special stock in the safe and brought another ring back. "This one's $40,000." The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man said, "I'll take it!"
The jeweler asked how payment would be made, and the old man said, "By cheque, but I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday to verify funds. I'll pick up the ring on Monday afternoon."
Monday morning, the jeweler called the old man saying, "There's no money in that account!"
The old man said, "I know, but let me tell you about my weekend!"
8) ;D ;D
If ever I am single again.....
8)
C'mon try it out on the Darl...... :o ::) :'( :'(
Nah, she aint that silly and has access to the bank accounts... might find a way for the cheque not to bounce!!
Analysis of why the chicken crossed the road...
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
OPRAH WINFREY: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
"Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?"...the woman asked her husband.
"No"...said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her
blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra...and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar note.
He took the crumpled twenty dollar note from her ...and smiled approvingly.
"Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?"... she then asked her husband?
"No ..no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer knickers... and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar note.
He took the crumpled fifty dollar note... and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now" ...she said. "Have you ever seen $50,000 all crumpled up?"
"No, never" ...he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused... and excited).
"Well, go and look in the garage!"...she said.
I can hear music coming out of my printer. I think the paper
::) Censored?
trying again to copy and paste
I can hear music coming out of my printer. I think the papers jammin again.... ;D
lucky really as somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said: "Parking Fine". So that was nice at least.... 8)
A vagina walks into a Bar and asks the Barman for the strongest liquor
Did you hear about the two bald guys who put their heads together? They made an ass out of themselves! 8)
2 fish are in a tank and 1 says to the other "you drive and I'll man the guns"
This is why I didn't show up for work yesterday. ::)
I was cleaning out my wife's grandpa's cellar and found 12 bottles of his home-bottled grape wine under the steps. My wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I agreed to do the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork form the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle, did likewise, and drank one glass, just to check the taste to see if the old fellow knew his wine making. He did.
I then opened the third bottle, and poured it, too, down the sink, but not until drinking one full glass to check the purity. It was very good. I did this, also with the fourth bottle. One glass for myself, and the rest down the sink. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle, then corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I felt so foolish that I couldn't go upstairs and congratulate my wife to tell her what a great winemaker her grandpa was. I will do that after climbing the basement steps the next time they come by.
The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him.
She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose. The undertaker said, "But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time.
The lady said, "Who's paying for this?" Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.
After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast. The funeral director said, "Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads!
What did the 2 tampons say to each other?
Nothing, they are both stuck up counts!!
THE NBA PLAYER ADOPTION PROGRAM NEEDS YOU!
With an NBA player's strike against the team owners looming, now is the time for us to show the world just how much we care. It's just not right. Hundreds of basketball players in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level! Atrocious! And, as if that weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several weeks--possibly a whole year--as a result of the strike. But now you can help! For about two thousand dollars a day--that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV--you can help a basketball player remain economically viable during his time of need.
Two thousand dollars a day may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a basketball player it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, two thousand dollars is nothing more than three months rent or mortgage payments. But to a basketball player, two thousand dollars a day will almost replace his salary.
Your commitment of two thousand dollars a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.
"HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?"
Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You'll also get information on how he plans to invest the $5 million lump sum he will receive upon retirement. Plus upon signing up for this program, you will receive a photo of the player (unsigned). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.
"HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING"
Your basketball player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses.
Simply fill out the form below.
___YES, I want to help!
I would like to sponsor a striking NBA basketball player. My preference is checked below:
[ ] Starter
[ ] Reserve
[ ] Star*
[ ] Superstar**
[ ] Entire team***
[ ] I'll sponsor a player most in
need. Please select one for me.
* Higher cost
** Much higher cost
*** Please call our 900 number to
ask for the cost of a specific
team (Sorry, does not include
cheerleaders).
Please charge the account listed below $2,054.79 per day for a reserve player or starter for the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with a team logo and my very own NBA Players Association badge to wear proudly on my lapel.
[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa
[ ] American Express [ ] DiscoverCard
[ ] Diner's Club
Your Name: __________________________
Telephone Number: __________________
Account Number: _____________________
Exp.Date:____________________________
Signature: _________________________
Mail completed form to NBA Players Association or call 1-888-TOOMUCH now to enroll by phone. (Children under 18 must have parental approval.)
Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties. Keep in mind that the basketball player you have sponsored will be much too busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous donations. Oh yes, contributions are not tax-deductible.
;D
You Will Hate Fridays 8)
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here.
Are you a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Satan: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and colas...We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! And we don't worry about getting a hangover because you're dead anyway.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great!
Satan: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer no biggie, you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow... that's awesome!
Satan: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots. If you go bankrupt... you're dead anyhow.
Do you do drugs??
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowlof crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares.
Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!
Satan: You gay?
Guy: No...
Satan: Ooooh You're gonna hate Fridays.
:)
A man was walking through Melbourne selling door to door what he claimed to be the "Magic Elixir of Life".
Of course the police arrested him and ran a computer check of him. They found the man had quite a long record of such dealings. He was first arrested for that type of crime in 1660.
8)
Grazz came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife Karen, and
fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter
said, 'You died in your sleep, Grazz.'
Grazz was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for.
Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and
that is as a chicken.' Grazz was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send
him to a farm near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking
the ground.
McRooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day
here?'
'Not bad,' replied Grazz the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside.
Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the McRooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid
an egg before?'
'Never,' said Grazz.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the McRooster. 'It's no big deal.'
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was
overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another
egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his
head, and heard.....
"Grazz, wake up! You've sh*t the bed!"
Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be !!
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
8)
A polar bear walks into a bar, the bartender says, " what can i get you"? the polar bear says, " i would like a rum............and coke". The bartender makes the drink, he brings it to the polar bear and asks, "i don't mean to be rude, but what is with the big pause"?, the polar bear says, "I don't know, I was born with them". 8)
Do you know what really makes my blood boil?
Crematoriums >:(
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how TRUE this is! They actually have a chili cook off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome!
Grab a tissue, this is hilarious.
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy COW, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. The Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting WASTED from all the beer.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. BITTY is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really MAKES ME MAD that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, Sulfuric flames. I POOPED IN MY PANTS when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that WENCH Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my BUTT with a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like POOP to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report) :'( :'( :'(
Q: What has 2 legs and bleeds?
A: Half a dog
A sandwich walks into a bar and is stopped by security who says "Sorry mate, we don't serve food here"
Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a king summoned two of his advisors for a test.
He showed them both a shiny metal box with two slots in the top, a control knob, and a lever. "What do you think this is?"
One advisor, an Electrical Engineer, answered first. "It is a toaster," he said. The king asked, "How would you design an embedded computer for it?" The advisor: "Using a four-bit microcontroller, I would write a simple program that reads the darkness knob and quantifies its position to one of 16 shades of darkness, from snow white to coal black. The program would use that darkness level as the index to a 16-element table of initial timer values. Then it would turn on the heating elements and start the timer with the initial value selected from the table. At the end of the time delay, it would turn off the heat and pop up the toast. Come back next week, and I'll show you a working prototype."
The second advisor, a software developer, immediately recognized the danger of such short-sighted thinking. He said, "Toasters don't just turn bread into toast, they are also used to warm frozen waffles. What you see before you is really a breakfast food cooker. As the subjects of your kingdom become more sophisticated, they will demand more capabilities. They will need a breakfast food cooker that can also cook sausage, fry bacon, and make scrambled eggs. A toaster that only makes toast will soon be obsolete. If we don't look to the future, we will have to completely redesign the toaster in just a
few years." "With this in mind, we can formulate a more intelligent solution to the problem. First, create a class of breakfast foods. Specialize this class into subclasses: grains, pork, and poultry. The specialization process should be repeated with grains divided into toast, muffins, pancakes, and waffles; pork divided into sausage, links,and bacon; and poultry divided into scrambled eggs, hard- boiled eggs, poached eggs, fried eggs, and various omelette classes."
"The ham and cheese omelette class is worth special attention because it must inherit characteristics from the pork, dairy, and poultry classes. Thus, we see that the problem cannot be properly solved without multiple inheritance. At run time, the program must create the proper object and send a message to the object that says, 'Cook yourself.' The semantics of this message depend, of course, on the kind of object, so they have a different meaning to a piece of toast than to scrambled eggs."
"Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has revealed that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of
breakfast food. In the design phase, we have discovered some derived requirements. Specifically, we need an object-oriented language with multiple inheritance. Of course, users don't want the eggs to get cold while the bacon is frying, so concurrent processing is required, too."
"We must not forget the user interface. The lever that lowers the food lacks versatility, and the darkness knob is confusing. Users won't buy the product unless it has a user-friendly, graphical interface. When the breakfast cooker is plugged in, users should see a cowboy boot on the screen. Users click on it, and the message 'Booting UNIX v.8.3' appears on the screen. (UNIX 8.3 should be out by the time the product gets to the market.) Users can pull down a menu and click on the foods they want to cook."
"Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in the design phase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware platform for the implementation phase. An Intel Pentium with 48MB of memory, a 1.2GB hard disk, and a SVGA monitor should be sufficient. If you select a multitasking, object oriented language that supports multiple inheritance and has a built-in GUI, writing the program will be a snap."
The king wisely had the software developer beheaded, and they all
lived happily ever after. 8)
An ice cream seller was today found on the floor of his van covered in chocolate and hundreds and thousands. Police said he topped himself. 8)
Once upon a time a Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman were captured by the Red Indians on a prospecting trip in North America. They been tied up against their respective totem poles for a day when the Chief walked up to the Englishman, pinched the skin of his upper arm and said, "Hmmm, heap good skin, nice and thick. Will make heap good canoe. You have a last request?"
"That case of gin I had when your boys caught me. I'd like that", says the Englishman. He's provided with his gin and is taken off to a teepee for his final night. The Englishman drinks two bottles of gin.
In the morning the Indians dispatch him, skin him and make him into a canoe. The canoe lasts a couple of days when it tears on a rock. Next day the Chief walks up to the Scotsman, pinches the skin at the top of his arm and says, "Hmmm, heap, heap good skin, very, very thick. Will make heap, heap good canoe. You have a last request?
"Ah'll huv ma whisky back", says the Scotsman. He's provided with his whisky and taken off to a teepee for his final night. The Scotsman drinks three bottles of whisky. He's already dead when the Indians come to collect him the next morning. They skin him and make him into a canoe. The canoe lasts a week before it tears on a rock. Next day the Chief walks up to the Irishman, pinches the skin at the top of his arm and says, "Hmmm, heap, heap, heap, heap good skin, very, very, very, very thick. Will make heap, heap, heap, heap good canoe. You have a last request?
"I'd loike a fork.", says the Irishman.
The Chief gives him a funny look but gives him the fork. The Irishman takes the fork, stabs himself repeatedly shouting, "Yer no makin' any feckin canoe outta me!"
;D
A Guide to Effective Scientific Communication
=============================================
Phrase Translation
=================================================================
It has long been known I haven't bothered to look up the reference
It is believed I think
It is generally believed A couple of other guys think so too
It is not unreasonable to If you believe this, you'll believe assume anything
Of great theoretical importance I find it kind of interesting
Of great practical importance I can get some mileage out of it
Typical results are shown The best results are shown
3 samples were chosen for further study The others didn't make sense, so we ignored them
The 4 hour sample was not studied I dropped it on the floor
The 4 hour determination may not be significant I dropped it on the floor, but scooped most of it up
The significance of these results is unclear Look at the pretty artifact
It has not been possible to provide definitive answers The experiment was negative, but at least I can publish the data
Correct within an order of magnitude Wrong
It might be argued that I have such a good answer for this objection that I shall now raise it
These investigations proved highly rewarding My grant is going to be renewed
8)
Who said Aussie Rules footballers aren't smart?
'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.' (Shane Wakelin).
'Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.' (Mick Malthouse - Collingwood).
'I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.' (Peter Bell - Fremantle - on his University Law studies).
'You guys line up alphabetically by height' and 'You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.' (Barry Hall Sydney captain at training).
Brock Maclean (Melbourne) on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit to Egypt:
'I can't really remember the names of the clubs we went to.'
'He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.' (Kevin Sheedy on James Hird).
Jonathan Brown, on night Grand Finals vs Day Games: 'It's basically the same, just darker.'
Ron Barassi talking about Gary Cowton: 'I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Barass, I don't know and I don't care.'
Barry Hall (Sydney) when asked about the upcoming season: 'I want to kick 70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first.'
'Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago' (Dermott Brereton).
'Chad had done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator.' (Mark Williams).
'We actually got the winning goal three minutes from the end but then they scored.' (Ben Cousins, West Coast Eagles).
'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.' (Luke Darcy).
'That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it, which was identical.' (Dermott Brereton).
'Sure there have been injuries and deaths in football - but none of them serious.' (Adrian Anderson).
'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.' (Andrew Demetriou).
'I would not say he (Chris Judd) is the best centreman in the AFL but there are none better.' (Dermott Brereton).
'I never comment on umpires and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat.' (Terry Wallace).
Garry Lyon : 'Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?'
David Swartz: 'On what?'
'Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.' (Dermott Brereton).
'Strangely, in slow-motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.' (Dermott Brereton).
And my 2 favourites from the mouth of North Melbourne's Wayne Carey:
"Tell me, Wayne, did you get your nickname, The Duck, because of your gait?"
"No, it's because of the way I walk."
When Wayne Carey was telling teammates about the house he had just bought, he was particularly proud that the kitchen featured a lot of timber in the way of cupboards and benches.
Said a teammate: "Is it in Baltic pine?"
"No, in Keilor,"
A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing
her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so
intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to
complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'
'I was stung by a bee', she said.
'Where?', he asked.
'Between the first and second hole', she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your feet were too far apart.'
Famous predictions.. :o
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously
considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently
of no value to us."
--Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
--Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of
science, 1949
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
--Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
-- Bill Gates, 1981
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked
with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is
a fad that won't last out the year."
--The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall,
1957
"But what... is it good for?"
--Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM,
1968, commenting on the microchip.
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
--Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital
Equipment Corp., 1977
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who
would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
--David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for
investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn
better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
--A Yale University management professor in response to Fred
Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service.
(Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
--H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and
not Gary Cooper."
--Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in
"Gone With The Wind."
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
--Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
--Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing,
even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about
funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay
our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So
then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't
need you. You haven't got through college yet.'"
--Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get
Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal
computer.
"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and
reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum
against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge
ladled out daily in high schools."
--1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's
revolutionary rocket work.
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil?
You're crazy."
--Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project
to drill for oil in 1859.
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
--Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole
Superieure de Guerre.
"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction".
--Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
--Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents,
1899.
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? 8)
Quote from: naste on October 04, 2013, 07:19:51 AM
Who said Aussie Rules footballers aren't smart?
'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.' (Shane Wakelin).
'Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.' (Mick Malthouse - Collingwood).
'I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.' (Peter Bell - Fremantle - on his University Law studies).
'You guys line up alphabetically by height' and 'You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.' (Barry Hall Sydney captain at training).
Brock Maclean (Melbourne) on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit to Egypt:
'I can't really remember the names of the clubs we went to.'
'He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.' (Kevin Sheedy on James Hird).
Jonathan Brown, on night Grand Finals vs Day Games: 'It's basically the same, just darker.'
Ron Barassi talking about Gary Cowton: 'I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Barass, I don't know and I don't care.'
Barry Hall (Sydney) when asked about the upcoming season: 'I want to kick 70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first.'
'Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago' (Dermott Brereton).
'Chad had done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator.' (Mark Williams).
'We actually got the winning goal three minutes from the end but then they scored.' (Ben Cousins, West Coast Eagles).
'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.' (Luke Darcy).
'That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it, which was identical.' (Dermott Brereton).
'Sure there have been injuries and deaths in football - but none of them serious.' (Adrian Anderson).
'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.' (Andrew Demetriou).
'I would not say he (Chris Judd) is the best centreman in the AFL but there are none better.' (Dermott Brereton).
'I never comment on umpires and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat.' (Terry Wallace).
Garry Lyon : 'Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?'
David Swartz: 'On what?'
'Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.' (Dermott Brereton).
'Strangely, in slow-motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.' (Dermott Brereton).
And my 2 favourites from the mouth of North Melbourne's Wayne Carey:
"Tell me, Wayne, did you get your nickname, The Duck, because of your gait?"
"No, it's because of the way I walk."
When Wayne Carey was telling teammates about the house he had just bought, he was particularly proud that the kitchen featured a lot of timber in the way of cupboards and benches.
Said a teammate: "Is it in Baltic pine?"
"No, in Keilor,"
I love how many there are from Dermott!
A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks "He can drink?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink."
So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"
The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"
The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"
8)
That chilli story/joke at the top of the page is gold. 8)
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,.... "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,... 'Congratulations on your new location!'"
:o
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, And at the appropriate point in the process. She told him that he would now need to enter a password, something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password,
He made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in....
P... E... N.... I... S...
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***
8)
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST, FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,
"What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man,
"Please knock on this door."
He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in long habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs,
"Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
8)
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night.
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, John, what was your toast?" John Said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John," Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised myself! You know, he's only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".
8) ;D
I would post this joke, but the world limit doesnt let me :(, and the copy and paste problems would kill it. But you can find it here (http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/1fcjkl/the_longest_joke_in_the_world_lost_in_the_desert/) :)
Quote from: nrich102 on October 10, 2013, 07:41:04 AM
I would post this joke, but the world limit doesnt let me :(, and the copy and paste problems would kill it. But you can find it here (http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/1fcjkl/the_longest_joke_in_the_world_lost_in_the_desert/) :)
Oh Dear... ;D ;D
Quote from: T Dog on October 10, 2013, 08:09:58 AM
Quote from: nrich102 on October 10, 2013, 07:41:04 AM
I would post this joke, but the world limit doesnt let me :(, and the copy and paste problems would kill it. But you can find it here (http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/1fcjkl/the_longest_joke_in_the_world_lost_in_the_desert/) :)
Oh Dear... ;D ;D
Haha
The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.
The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.
When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles."
The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.
The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop the pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?"
The general replied, "In Vietnam."
8)
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.
Seconds before the end, a bolt of lightning struck taking out the electricity.
Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.
Satan is visibly upset, and cries,
Quote from: T Dog on October 11, 2013, 03:38:33 PM
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.
Seconds before the end, a bolt of lightning struck taking out the electricity.
Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.
Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He stutters, "But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"
God chuckles, "Jesus saves."
Thought I would add in the rest of the joke ;)
So there's a guy called Joel, and he loves tractors. When Joel first learned to read, he read books about tractors, his bed was in the shape of a tractor and there were pictures of tractors on his bed sheets. Joel loves tractors, tractors are his passion. When Joel got to high school, year 8, the school had a program where you could learn to drive a tractor. Joel didn't even need to think to go and sign up for this program, he loved tractors. Joel loved this tractor program so much, that he started wagging periods in school to drive the tractors. One day, Joel found a 20 year old tractor sitting in a field, abandoned. He loved it as soon as he saw it, and adopted it as his own.
After a couple of months, Joel plowed the grass and planted some seeds and made a bit of money. There was one clear thing to do with that money -- Buy a new tractor. So he went to the tractor shop, and he saw an orange tractor. He loved the tractor, and bought it immediately. A month later, he went back to the tractor shop, and bought a new green tractor. Now Joel did something along these lines for the next few years, and became pretty good mates. Once a week, they'd go to the pub together and talk about tractors, and everything to do with tractors. But there cam a day, when the debt collectors came around to Joel, and he had to give back all his tractors, except for the 20 year old one that was worth nothing. After this happened, Joel swore a vow never to buy another tractor, he was no longer a fan of tractors.
About 6 months later, the guy who owned the tractor shop called up Joel and said, 'Hey mate, I know we haven't been seeing each other much lately, but I got these plans, and I really want to show them to you.' Joel thought he'd been pretty good lately, so went around to the shop. The manager took him up to his office and said 'I really shouldn't be showing you these blueprints, as they're secret and all, but here they are.' Joel spent many hours looking at them, when the shop owner said, 'I need to go out, but I don't really want you to be in my office here alone, yet alone with secret documents. You mind if I have a smoke?' Joel replied 'No worries, I'm an extractor-fan'
;D ;D
Thought I would add in the rest of the joke ;)
Thanks CF :-[
A cricket enthusiast died and went to hell. After a few days, the Devil came up to him and said, "What do you feel like doing today? You can have anything you like." "Well," said the cricketer, "I can think of nothing better than a game of cricket. Can we do that?" "Certainly," said the Devil, and off they went to get changed. They arrived at a beautiful pitch, and the batsman in his new gear took up a stance. Nothing happpened. "Come on then," he said to the Devil, "bowl the first ball." "Ah, that's the Hell of it," said the Devil. "We haven't got any balls." 8)
Peter goes golfing every Saturday. One Saturday, he comes home tired and five hours late. His wife asks him, "What took you so long?" Peter says, "That was the worst game of golf I've ever had. We got up to the first tee, and Harry hit a hole-in-one and immediately dropped dead of a heart attack." Peter's wife says, "OMG! That's terrible!" Peter says, "I know. Then, for the rest of the game, it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry. . ."
8)
Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired. He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position. Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me." ::)
Brown and Robinson were two old men who were fierce rivals at cricket. One day, they decided to see who was the better player by having a game between them selves. Brown laboured for an hour to score twelve runs, but was bowled by the only straight ball he received. Both men were exhausted, and Robinson decided that he was too tired to bat and made for the pavilion, even though Brown had only to bowl at the empty wicket and break it to win.
As he lay slumped in the pavilion, an amused on looker strolled in and said, 'Congratulations.'
'What do you mean?' said Robinson.
'Haven't you heard?' said the spectator. 'Brown bowled thirteen wides!'
8)
Two Hippies are walking down a railroad track stoned.
One Hippie says "This is a really long flowering staircase!"
The other Hippie says "I don't mind the stairs, it's this low flowering handrail thats killing me."
8)
A guy walks into a bar. He's got a carrot in one ear, a stick of celery in the other ear and a hot dog up his nose. He sits down at the bar and says, "Man, I ain't feelin' so hot." The bartender says, "Well, I know what your problem is. You ain't eatin' right!" 8)
A lady crab is walking along the beach one day when she sees a man crab. He's not walking sideways like the other crab , he's walking in a straight line. Impressed with his talent, she asks him out on a date. However, when they meet the next evening for their date, he's walking sideways, like a normal crab! When she asks him why he's not walking forward any more, he says: "Oh, baby, I can't drink that much every day!" ;D
If people are offended I apologise but this is really good.
And the Lord spoke to Noah: ''In six months I am going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark.''
And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.
''Okay," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
''Six months, and it starts to rain,'' thundered the Lord. ''You would better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time.''
And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.
''Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?'' A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.
''Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we got 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.
Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.
Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. And the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years,'' Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled.
''You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?'' Noah asked, hopefully.
''Wrong!'' thundered the Lord. ''But being Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the earth, but with something far worse than a flood. Something man invented himself.''
''What's that?'' asked Noah. There was a long pause, and then the Lord spoke:
''Government.''
I liked this bit: First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction :P
Stop the boats ;D God joke Ringo.
Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.
She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says "This is for the flowers!"
"Don't be silly" ,says Paddy "You must have a vase somewhere!"
Why did captain Kirk pee on the ceiling? ◦
Because he wanted to go where no man has gone before.
;D
How do you confuse naste ?
Place 3 shovels on the ground and tell him to take his pick.
There's this old butler, right? And he's retired, and lives on a farm with his two reindeer. One day he hears a knock at the door, and he opens it to see two beavers. The beavers say to him "Hi. Our house got knocked down in a flash flood, and we're looking for some money to rebuild it. Would you like to make a donation?" The butler just shakes his head, and goes to turn away. The beavers yell "Hey!" and throw a glass of water at him, slamming the door in his face. He goes to his reindeer. The first one, named Lee, says "Why don't you just give them some money?" His second deer, Frank, asks him the same question. "Why not give them a little money to rebuild?"
The wet butler says "Frank, Lee, my deers, I don't give a dam." 8)
A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.
The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.
She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.
The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?" 8)
A blind man and his equally blind wife decide to go for a walk. It's a pretty cold day, and the weather forecast predicts some kind of precipitation, but the temperature will determine whether it's rain or snow. Sure enough, while the man and his wife are walking, it starts... precipitating. But neither of them is sure what.
"I think it's raining," said the man's wife.
"I think it's snowing," said the man. "It's too cold to rain."
They bicker about this until they hear someone hail them: "Hello!" The man turns to his wife and says, "Oh! It's Olph the Communist! He'll know which it is."
The man calls out: "Comrade Olph! Is it raining or snowing?"
"Raining, you idiots!" Olph calls back, unpleasently.
"See, I told you," the blind woman said.
Grumpily, the man replied, "I still think it's too cold. It must be snowing."
At that, the woman shook her head, and said...
"Rude Olph the Red knows rain, dear." 8)
A guy walks into a bar with a steering-wheel in his pants, and the bartender says, gee, that looks uncomfortable, and the guy says yeah, its driving me nuts! ;D
Mr.Anderson walked into the bar, or did he? 8)
At the zoo, a group of porpoises were telling the visiting kids to do all kinds of bad things. After a talk with the zookeeper, they promised to be nice if he would bring them mynah birds. The zookeeper agreed, so he walked past a sleeping lion to get some mynahs. On the way back, he was stopped by a police officer who said, "You are under arrest for carrying mynahs across a sedate lion for immoral porpoises." ::)
A blond walks into a bar. Ouch!
Shakespeare walked into a pub. The bartender said, "You can't come in here. You're Bard!" 8)
How do you get a Nun pregnant?
Dress her up as an alter boy....
Did you hear about the midget psychic who escaped from jail? ◦ That's right. There's a small medium at large. :)
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 8)
In a recent telephone poll, when asked if they would have an affair with former president Bill Clinton, 70% of American women replied, "Never again." ;D
A bus driver in London stops at a bus stop to see a man with three heads, no arms and one leg.
"'Ello, 'ello, 'ello!" the bus driver says "You look 'armless enough, hop aboard!" ::)
Four die-hard AFL fans climb a mountain. As they climb, they argue incessantly about which one of them is most dedicated to his respective team. When they get to the top, the Tigers fan yells, "This is for the Richmond Tigers!" and throws himself off the side of the mountain. Not to be outdone by a Tigers fan, the Swans fan screams, "This is for the Sydney Swans!!" and throws himself off the mountain. Not about to be outdone by a Tigers fan and a Swans fan, the Pies fan shouts, "THIS IS FOR THE COLLINGWOOD MAGPIES!!!" and shoves the Carlton Blues fan off the mountain. ;D ;D ;D ;D 8)
LOL - Since when could anyone associated with Richmond make it to the top of anything?
Quote from: SydneyRox on October 23, 2013, 01:24:27 PM
LOL - Since when could anyone associated with Richmond make it to the top of anything?
Was going go with a Hawks supporter...but they did win..
A scientist has perfected a clone. Unfortunately when he takes it to show the university board, it starts swearing at them. The outraged board throw them out, and the scientist does some more tests and realises the clone has Tourettes. He's stumped with what to do, and eventually he decides to take it to the top of the university carpark, and chuck it off. He does so, but is seen, and later the police arrive. He insists that killing the clone wasn't murder, but nonetheless gets arrested. The charge is "making an obscene clone fall". ;D
What do you call a guy standing on the edge of the ocean with a seagull on his head?
◦ Cliff.
8)
What's Forrest Gumps password?
1Forrest1 8)
What do you call someone inside a wall?
Stud.
;D
Wife: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Would you get mad if i tell you the truth?
Wife: No, i won't! Tell me.
Me: I slept with your sister.
idiot.. ;D
What do you call a guy with a shovel in his back?
Doug
Hahaha.
A man is being interviewed for a job and the interviewer asks him "What would you say is your greatest weakness?" The interviewee replies "I'm pathologically honest." The interviewer looks confused. "You're honest? I wouldn't describe that as a weakness. I think that's a great quality to posess." "I don't give a flower what you think."
8)
Quote from: T Dog on October 24, 2013, 08:10:03 PM
idiot.. ;D
What do you call a guy with a shovel in his back?
Doug
Thanks Tdog Old Joke but getting used to it (Doug is Ringos first name)
What do you call a girl with one leg?
Eileen.
What do you call a guy with a rabbit up his bum?
Warren.
:o
What do you call an asian woman with one leg?
Ireen :o
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar, and the barman says "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here." ;D
Quote from: vinny on October 24, 2013, 08:04:39 PM
Wife: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Would you get mad if i tell you the truth?
Wife: No, i won't! Tell me.
Me: I slept with your sister.
:o
(http://i44.tinypic.com/30rpg78.jpg)
Quote from: T Dog on October 24, 2013, 08:41:29 PM
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar, and the barman says "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here." ;D
Nice!
Bacon and a sausage cooking in a fry pan
Sausage says "Getting hot in here"
Bacon says "What do you know, a talking sausage"
::)
Did you hear about the man who ran naked through the crowded church?
They caught him by the organ!
. :o
Some racehorses were arguing about who was better. One said "Out of my last 25 races I've won 20 of them." Another horse said "Tahts Nothing, Out of my last 50 races, I've won 44 of them" Another Horse said "Out of My last 65 races Ive won 59 of them" An old sheepdog was lying nearby, and said "You guys cant race, Out of My last 99 races, Ive won 94 of them." Then all the horses said "Wow, a talking horse" :o
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"NO, I did NOT, it's 3 am and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
"God loves drunk people, too, you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here ... on the swing," replied the drunk.
One day a new chicken was introduced to the farm. The duck, who was the main bird in charge, shows the new chicken around. "This is were you go to get fed, this is the water trough and that is the coop. Chickens hang out near the fence, us ducks near the pond and the geese near the gate. We're pretty friendly but we keep to our own. Oh but whatever you do, DON'T cross that road. You'll never hear the end of it." ::)
I suffer from schizophrenia and so do I
A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are sitting on a bench looking at the house across the street. They see two people walk into it, and, some time later, see three people walk out.
The biologist says, "They must have reproduced while they were inside."
The physicist says, "No, our initial observation must have been in error."
Finally, the mathematician says, "If one more person goes inside, then the house will be empty." 8)
Quote from: kilbluff1985 on October 24, 2013, 11:32:09 PM
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"NO, I did NOT, it's 3 am and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
"God loves drunk people, too, you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here ... on the swing," replied the drunk.
That's from Billy Connelly :P
There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor. When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides. 8)
Groan...
Well he was actaully better than the sum of the squire of the other two sides. ;)
Quote from: CrowsFan on October 27, 2013, 04:50:46 PM
Groan...
You are a marvellous audience...tell your friends..I am appearing here all week..... 8)
Why don't witches wear undies - to get a better grip ;D
Boy " let's play the firetruck game"
Girl " How do we play "
Boy " I run my finger up your leg, and you say "Redlight " when you wan't me to stop.
Girl " Ok "
A few seconds later
Girl " Redlight "
Boy " Firetrucks don't stop for red lights "
hahahaha ;D
A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!" The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.
A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.
When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on.
The bartender said "Oh, it's the nuts--they're complimentary."
8)
Slaying goblins is easy. It wouldn't be such a cakewalk if they weren't such mediogre fighters. ::)
PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."
There is a hunting accident, where one hunter took another for a deer. In the ensuing trial, the judge asks the hunter, "When did you notice that the defendant was, in fact, not a deer?". The hunter answers, "When the deer returned fire." 8)
A conservative priest walks into a hotel and goes to the desk. He walks up to the receptionist and says "Excuse me, have you disabled adult movies?" The receptionist replies "No. We just have the regular kind." ::)
Did you hear about the Hippie who burnt his mouth?
He drank his coffee before it was cool. 8)
What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice Belt!
:o
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.... BA-DOOM CHING! ;D
Make little things count. Teach midgets maths.
What do you call a guy hanging on a wall?
Art.
A ninety-year-old man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, my eighteen-year-old wife is expecting a baby." The Doctor said, "Let me tell you a story. A man went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella by mistake. When a bear suddenly charged at the man, he picked up the umbrella, shot the bear, and killed it." The man said, "Impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear". The doctor said "My point exactly". ::)
So...I had this rabbit that died of heatstroke after a week and I didn't have a time to name it.
So after it died and was on my lap the name came to me...I'll call it floppy!
:o
Quote from: T Dog on November 03, 2013, 09:09:13 PM
What do you call a guy hanging on a wall?
Art.
Classic.
Thanks big Nige...appearing here regularly..drop by... ;D
Correction T Dog - you own this thread!
Thanks
A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, " I would do...anything." He returns her gaze. "Anything?" Anything." His voice softens. "Anything??" "Absolutely anything." His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?"
8)
what is wrong with you? ::)
Three old men were at a doctor
Quote from: T Dog on November 08, 2013, 10:49:49 AM
Three old men were at a doctor
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ;D ;)
Quote from: NigeyS on November 08, 2013, 10:54:10 AM
Quote from: T Dog on November 08, 2013, 10:49:49 AM
Three old men were at a doctor
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ;D ;)
What not funny?? :-[
Mrs Dog told me yesterday we couldn't afford beer at $45.00 a case anymore. Too bad, but I would have to quit drinking.
Then today I caught her spending $95.00 on a tiny bottle of make-up.
I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't?
She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.
I told her that wasn't necessary, that's what the beer was for! Besides, my beer was $50 cheaper.
I don't think she's coming back
Given up telling the memory test joke tdog? All the pesky symbols stuffing it up on ff? :P
Three old men are at the doctor's office to take a memory test.
The doctor says to the first old guy, "What is three times three?" "274," was his reply.
The doctor worriedly says to the second old man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday" replies the second man.
The doctor sadly says to the third one, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine" says the third old man.
"That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"?
"That was easy Doc, "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
Thanks CF..I just gave up... ;D
Quote from: T Dog on November 08, 2013, 11:06:49 AM
Quote from: NigeyS on November 08, 2013, 10:54:10 AM
Quote from: T Dog on November 08, 2013, 10:49:49 AM
Three old men were at a doctor
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ;D ;)
What not funny?? :-[
Mrs Dog told me yesterday we couldn't afford beer at $45.00 a case anymore. Too bad, but I would have to quit drinking.
Then today I caught her spending $95.00 on a tiny bottle of make-up.
I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't?
She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.
I told her that wasn't necessary, that's what the beer was for! Besides, my beer was $50 cheaper.
I don't think she's coming back
haha very funny mate.
One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him."
So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!"
The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?", "I'm from Dublin", second man stunned says, "Me too! What street do you live on?", "McCarthy street", second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?", the first man announces, "162", second man shocked says, "Me too! What are your parents names?", first man replies, "Connor and Shannon", second man awestruck says, "Mine too!
This is unbelievable!"
So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts.
The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?" "Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again." 8) 8) 8)
A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn't because she didn't have any clothes on. He replies, "Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!"
She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "I'm sorry, I think he's too far in."
Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected
8)
Go Lions: What is the chemical formula for water?
Nigey: "HIJKLMNO"!!
Go Lions: What are you talking about you buffoon?
Nigey: Gimmeee a break..Yesterday you said it's H to O!
8) ;D
Who is the most popular man at the nudist colony?
The one who can hold 4 cups of coffee and 12 donuts!
Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony?
The one who can eat the 12th donut ;D
Quote from: T Dog on November 10, 2013, 08:57:44 PM
Go Lions: What is the chemical formula for water?
Nigey: "HIJKLMNO"!!
Go Lions: What are you talking about you buffoon?
Nigey: Gimmeee a break..Yesterday you said it's H to O!
8) ;D
I'm gonna be honest, Nigey isn't the sharpest tool in the shed
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
"It`s for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn`t even know that I`m going to shoot him!"
8)
A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a flowerin' checking account" To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?" "Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a flowerin' checking account right now." "Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!" The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?" "There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a flowerin' checking account in this damn bank!" "I see sir," the manager said, "and this dog is giving you a hard time?"
8)
Quote from: T Dog on November 11, 2013, 03:38:25 PM
A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a flowerin' checking account" To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?" "Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a flowerin' checking account right now." "Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!" The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?" "There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a flowerin' checking account in this damn bank!" "I see sir," the manager said, "and this dog is giving you a hard time?"
8)
Gold!
I'm going to stand outside.
So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
;D
Quote from: T Dog on November 12, 2013, 10:32:45 AM
I'm going to stand outside.
So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
;D
Ahahahaha, I must use this at some point ;D
TECH: Hello, Friendly Internet. May I help you?
CUSTOMER: Oh, hello young man. I was wondering if you offer online banking?
TECH: We're an Internet service provider, ma'am. You can certainly use our service to connect to online banking.
CUSTOMER: What do I need to do that?
TECH: You just need the modem in your computer. That plugs into a phone jack. Sign up for an account, and sign up for online banking with your bank.
CUSTOMER: But where does the money come out? T
ECH: I'm not sure I understand?
CUSTOMER: You know...Does the money come out from that slot on the computer?
8)
Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.
Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven.
If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked,"Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said,"The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my bumhole." And the idiot went to heaven.
;D
Anyone remember the good old days before Facebook, Instagram and Twitter?
When you had to take a photo of your dinner, then get the film developed, then go around to all your friends' houses to show them the picture of your dinner?
No?
Me neither.
>:(
Hahaha, quality TDog!
A man walks into a bank and says, 'Can you give me a loan so I can build a hat shop Brisbane and call it Hats of Brisbane' The bank owner tells him it's a terrible idea and he would make no money so he won't give him the loan. The next week he comes back and says to the bank owner 'can I make a sunscreen shop in Cairo, and call it Sunscreen of Cairo. Again the bank owner rejected his idea and sent him away. The next week the man came back and said 'I want to make a cheese shop in Israel and call it Cheeses of Nazareth.' The bank owner gave him a loan.
Quote from: T Dog on November 13, 2013, 03:02:42 PM
Anyone remember the good old days before Facebook, Instagram and Twitter?
When you had to take a photo of your dinner, then get the film developed, then go around to all your friends' houses to show them the picture of your dinner?
No?
Me neither.
>:(
Haha very good :)
A father hadn't seen his daughter in years, and as he lay on his deathbed, she came running in.
"Dad, I'm sorry!" She wept. The father looked at her, and breathed his final words...
"Hello Sorry...I'm Dad."
I love dad jokes...lol...
Which farmer sits on his tractor shouting...The end is nigh.?
Farmer Geddon.
What is Australias friendliest freeway?
M8.
What is Forrest Gumps Facebook password?
1Forrest1.
What is a quark?
The sound a posh duck makes.
What is ET short for?
Because he has short legs
:D :D :D
Let me tell you a joke about procrastination. Ill tell you later ;)
Ive decided Im going to give up procrastinating, starting tomorrow.
Quote from: GoLions16 on November 10, 2013, 09:15:58 PM
Quote from: T Dog on November 10, 2013, 08:57:44 PM
Go Lions: What is the chemical formula for water?
Nigey: "HIJKLMNO"!!
Go Lions: What are you talking about you buffoon?
Nigey: Gimmeee a break..Yesterday you said it's H to O!
8) ;D
I'm gonna be honest, Nigey isn't the sharpest tool in the shed
:o :(
A man was strolling along a beach in California. On giving the sand a kick he struck a corked bottle. He bent down, picked it up and removed the cork. Immediately, a Genie came out of the bottle and said to him, "Master, I have been a prisoner in this bottle for a thousand years and now you have set me free. For that, I will grant you one wish." The man thought for a moment then said, "I always wanted to go to Hawaii but I am afraid to fly and I get sick on a ship. Could you build a highway from California to Hawaii?" "Master, that is a difficult wish to fulfill. Can you think of something that is more practical?" The man thought for a moment and said, "Could you tell me why women are the way they are?" The Genie thought for a moment before replying, "Would that be two lanes or four?"
8)
If money does not grow on trees why do banks have branches?
8)
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that. 8)
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 If we fail to fill your order! When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye bread.
She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen.
He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me this time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"
A teacher at the local school had to go for an eye test; he couldn't control his pupils.
How can you tell when you've run out of invisible ink?
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie
Quote from: T Dog on November 18, 2013, 08:12:29 PM
If money does not grow on trees why do banks have branches?
8)
HAHAHAHA liked that one.
Quote from: tabs on November 19, 2013, 02:33:15 PM
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 If we fail to fill your order! When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye bread.
She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen.
He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me this time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"
Did not see that one coming at the end haha.
A man walks into a bar...and..... I forgot the rest of the joke but...your mum is a whore. :P
I will let her know Vinny... ::)
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
On day a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were on their way to heaven. God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke. If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven. So the redhead made it to the 45th step and laughed. The brunette made it to the 200th step and laughed. But the blonde made it to the 999th step and laughed even before god told his joke. God asked "Why did you laugh I haven't even told the joke yet" The blonde said "I know I just now got the first one!!!"
Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
A: Every morning you'll rise and shine!
A priest was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the mass," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the mass, the priest paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played, "Advance Australia Fair."
Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'
Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma,it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you.'
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and mixed emotions when he turned to his wife and said,
"Honey, that's a bunch of crap; I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
She said, "You have the biggest penis of all your friends."
As she lay there dozing next to me a voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax, you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients." But another voice kept saying, "T Dog, you are a veterinarian."
:o
Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking doges!
8)
Mrs Dog sent me an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
So I send an answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later I receive answer from Mrs Dog: "The computer is completely flowered now".
;D
This girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club. But I'm pretty sure I haven't met herbivore.
Richmond.
#preseasonbanter
My eyelids are so sexy, I can't keep my eyes off them.
8)
I married my wife for her money.
And believe me, I have earned it.
:o
Movember is causing me grief....I just hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment about their mustache, and suddenly she is not your friend anymore...
:-\
Pre-season Draft..........
Sex is a lot like the ocean.
I'm drowning in it.
http://dontpkethebear.com/25-funny-auto-correct-fails/
^ They're gold.
Quote from: luvfooty on November 27, 2013, 03:43:13 PM
http://dontpkethebear.com/25-funny-auto-correct-fails/
Some of those are hilarious!!
Nails deleting his FF Account
Quote from: Ringo on November 27, 2013, 05:24:41 PM
Nails deleting his FF Account
You aren't calling him or his team a joke are ya Ringo?.... ;D
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN Arrive naked ... with beer.
8)
https://www.facebook.com/PeopleHavingAWorseDayThanYou?ref=nf
Yeah I know most are PS, but still some very very funny gear on here.
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident,
he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Jones,
but we have some information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.
Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Jones said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay."
"Oh my god!" said Mr. Jones, overcome by emotion.
Remembering what the cop had said, he asked, "So what's the good news?"
"Well," said the cop, "when we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."
"If that's the good news, then what's the great news!?!" he asked.
And the cop replied...
"We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning!"
Dog Property Laws
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If its in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.
7. If it just looks like mine, its mine.
8. If I saw it first, its mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If its broken, its yours.
8)
Quote from: T Dog on November 29, 2013, 10:32:24 AM
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident,
he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Jones,
but we have some information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.
Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Jones said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay."
"Oh my god!" said Mr. Jones, overcome by emotion.
Remembering what the cop had said, he asked, "So what's the good news?"
"Well," said the cop, "when we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."
"If that's the good news, then what's the great news!?!" he asked.
And the cop replied...
"We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning!"
Sick but funny mate haha
Sick is good.. ;D
lol tdog
What do you call a pile of cheese that stalks children?
A Fettapile
The Ten Commandments Of Marriage
Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven.
But then again, so is thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least a 100 grand!
Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.
Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry.
That is why one treats the other like toxic waste.
Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question. "If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?" After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet." They said "well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to her. Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings." Again, "thank you" and they would get back to her. Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun." The people from NASA replied, "why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?" The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night!"
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955." She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "You think so? It's only 2130 now." I LOVE THAT MILITARY TIME!!
Gold Tdog Luv Military precision and time
If you need Facebook to remind you it's your partners birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch. :-\
A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newsreader says,
"Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."
The blonde starts crying and says to her husband while sobbing
"That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"
Confused the husband replies "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."
After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says,
"... So how many is a Brazilian?"
8)
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop. "I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act." "Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now! 8)
Couldn't stop laughing after I heard this one.
Windows Phone
Quote from: T Dog on December 01, 2013, 01:23:24 PM
A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question. "If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?" After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet." They said "well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to her. Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings." Again, "thank you" and they would get back to her. Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun." The people from NASA replied, "why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?" The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night!"
Classic!
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
:o
Quote from: T Dog on December 04, 2013, 11:20:38 AM
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
:o
Now I want bagels. :(
Quote from: NigeyS on December 04, 2013, 11:33:01 AM
Quote from: T Dog on December 04, 2013, 11:20:38 AM
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
:o
Now I want bagels. :(
Don't forget to take the feathers out
Quote from: timmyparso on December 04, 2013, 12:30:11 PM
Quote from: NigeyS on December 04, 2013, 11:33:01 AM
Quote from: T Dog on December 04, 2013, 11:20:38 AM
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
:o
Now I want bagels. :(
Don't forget to take the feathers out
Nah, I prefer not to.
I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the yesterday and asked the teller to check my balance she leaned over and pushed me. >:(
Quote from: T Dog on December 05, 2013, 08:15:00 AM
I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the yesterday and asked the teller to check my balance she leaned over and pushed me. >:(
Agree Tdog banks are pushing you more and more to use the telephone or PC in the bank to check your balance. Customer service in banks when out years ago when they started to try and sell you all the other products whether you needed them or not, I know as I worked for a major bak for 23 years and this was one of the reasons i left.
Q: Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
A: The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
You Know You're Addicted To The Internet When...
1. You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
2. Your bookmark takes 15 mins to scroll from top to bottom.
3. Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
4. You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
5. You refuse to go to a vacations spot w/no electricity and no phone lines.
6. You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cell modem and a laptop.
7. You spend half of the plane trip w/your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment.
8. All your daydreaming is preoccupied w/getting a faster connection to the net.
9. And even your night dreams are in HTML.
10. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com.
11. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
12. Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
13. You step out of your room and realise that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.
14. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
15. Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
16. All of your friends have an @ in their names.
17. When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
18. Your dog has its own home page.
19. You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos.
20. You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem.
21. You realise there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are.
22. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
23. You refer to your age as 3.x. Name: Joe cool Age: version 3.1.
24. You have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.
25. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
26. Even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS on your favorite IRC channel. 27. You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
28. You don't know the sex of 3 of your closest friends because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
29. Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
30. You miss more than 5 meals a week downloading the latest games from Apogee.
31. You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public rest rooms.
32. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
33. You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html.
34. You actually just now tried that 123.elm.street address
. 35. You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
36. Your friends no longer send you email - they just log on to your IRC channel
37. You buy a captain Kirk chair w/a built-in keyboard and mouse.
38. Your wife makes a new rule: "the computer cannot come to bed."
39. You are so familiar w/the WWW that you find the search engines useless.
40. You get a tattoo that says "this body best viewed w/ Netscape 3.2 or higher."
41. You never have to deal w/busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.
42. You ask the plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer w/a toilet.
43. You forget what year it is.
44. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
45. You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.
46. You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it sounds like the ocean wind... the perfect soundtrack for "surfing the net."
47. You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200hrs per month "unlimited."
48. You turn on your computer and turn off your wife.
49. Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the 2 of you can chat.
50. As your car crashes through the guard-rail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
8)
You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chased by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk ass off the merry go round.
8)
A blonde gets her haircut while wearing a pair of headphones. The hairdresser asks her to take them off, but she protests that she'll die without them. The hairdresser sighs, and starts cutting the hair around the headphones. Soon, the blonde falls asleep, and the hairdresser removes the headphones. A few minutes later, the blonde collapses, dead on the floor. Alarmed, the hairdresser puts the headphones to his ear and hears, "Breathe in. Breathe out."
8)
Quote from: T Dog on December 08, 2013, 02:49:29 PM
A blonde gets her haircut while wearing a pair of headphones. The hairdresser asks her to take them off, but she protests that she'll die without them. The hairdresser sighs, and starts cutting the hair around the headphones. Soon, the blonde falls asleep, and the hairdresser removes the headphones. A few minutes later, the blonde collapses, dead on the floor. Alarmed, the hairdresser puts the headphones to his ear and hears, "Breathe in. Breathe out."
8)
Think you've posted that one before.
South Africa are batting first in the 2nd ODI against India. Quinton de Kock and Hashim Amla will be coming out to bat which would make Neil Patrick Harris happy as he loves De Kock.
he'll love him even more after that century. De Kock really stood up
Two old men, Grazz and Dudge, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball. Grazz turns to Dudge and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?" Dudge thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same." They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Grazz passes on. Soon afterward, Dudge sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Dudge... Dudge... ." Dudge responds, "Grazz! Is that you?" "Yes it is, Dudge," whispers Grazz's ghost. Dudge, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in Heaven?" "Well," says Grazz, "I've got good news and bad news." "Gimme the good news first," says Dudge. Grazz says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven." Dudge says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?" Grazz sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
8)
Quote from: T Dog on December 09, 2013, 09:03:19 AM
Two old men, Grazz and Dudge, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball. Grazz turns to Dudge and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?" Dudge thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same." They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Grazz passes on. Soon afterward, Dudge sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Dudge... Dudge... ." Dudge responds, "Grazz! Is that you?" "Yes it is, Dudge," whispers Grazz's ghost. Dudge, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in Heaven?" "Well," says Grazz, "I've got good news and bad news." "Gimme the good news first," says Dudge. Grazz says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven." Dudge says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?" Grazz sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
8)
An oldie but a goodie Tdog. You can adapt it for any sport. When I first heard it was golf with a tee off time.
Quote from: Ringo on December 09, 2013, 09:22:18 AM
Quote from: T Dog on December 09, 2013, 09:03:19 AM
Two old men, Grazz and Dudge, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball. Grazz turns to Dudge and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?" Dudge thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same." They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Grazz passes on. Soon afterward, Dudge sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Dudge... Dudge... ." Dudge responds, "Grazz! Is that you?" "Yes it is, Dudge," whispers Grazz's ghost. Dudge, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in Heaven?" "Well," says Grazz, "I've got good news and bad news." "Gimme the good news first," says Dudge. Grazz says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven." Dudge says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?" Grazz sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
8)
An oldie but a goodie Tdog. You can adapt it for any sport. When I first heard it was golf with a tee off time.
Haha, that's a good one Tdog
Life may not be worth living, but what else can you do with it?
:o
Ikea have brought out a Manchester United lamp...... It looks great in the middle of the table....
:o
Do Dolphins ever do anything by accident?
Nah they do everything on porpoise ! 8)
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an iPad.... :o
"The problem with internet quotes is that you can never be sure of their authenticity"
Abraham Lincoln
Quote from: CrowsFan on December 11, 2013, 02:52:48 AM
"The problem with internet quotes is that you can never be sure of their authenticity"
Abraham Lincoln
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/1229907_533897056698002_465547120_n.jpg)
Young T Dog finally gets a girl to agree to go out with him. And wouldn't you know it, she has a father with a fearsome reputation.
Her name is Regina ( yes folks it rhymes with Vagina! )
He arranges to pick her up and Regina warns him not to honk the car horn as her father hates it and won't let her date such a bogan.
He drives to her house - all the way worrying he'll get her name wrong and incur her father's wrath.
He starts saying a mantra to himself, 'Like a woman's bit but with an R - like a woman's bit but with an R...'
He pulls up and gets out of the car. He slowly approaches the front door and just as he is about to knock, it suddenly swings open.
Her father, 6ft 4 and looking mean, stands there towering over poor T Dog. How nervous is he!!
'What do you want?' demands the father.
Clever T Dog remembers his mantra.
'I've come to pick up Crunt!'
Thank you thank you...I work well under pressure.... ;D
What do you call a fish with no eye?
Fsh.
::)
Last week I ate a Christmas tree and ended up getting tinselitis ???
I bought a boomerang off a ghost the other day...that will come back to haunt me. 8)
On the beach, how can you recognise a guy who uses an inflatable sex doll?
He doesnt stare at the bikinis, he stares at the beach balls.
8)
Seeing its Christmas a Christmas joke
A Judge was in a jovial mood for Christmas and asked the alleged thief in the dock what was he her for.
The Accused replied "I was just completing my Christmas shopping sir."
"That is not an indictable offence" said the judge laughing "when did this occur."
"Before opening time " replied the accused.
The plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've
flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'
'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, ...'why not?'
'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!'
'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'
'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... .doesn't matter, you're all alike!'
There's a few minutes of silence.
'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.
'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.
'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.
'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'
Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg,....no mattah...all same!
Why did a cow cross the road?
To find to the udder side.
8)
A honeymoon couple go into a hotel and ask for a suite.
Bridal? asks the desk clerk.
No thanks replies the bride, I will just hang onto his shoulders.
8)
New Policy
Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;
2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;
3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;
4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;
5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;
6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;
7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;
8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;
9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;
10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;
11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line;
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.
Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
;D ;D
Q. what do hedgehogs have for lunch?
A. prickled onions
Here comes Q, King of the ol' cheesy joke.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus giggle?
Ten tickles :P
What goes choo choo choo while online?
Thomas the search engine.
What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
Crisp Cringle.
:o :o
Good one, Sir Edmund Blackadder
Just before Christmas, there was an honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus travelling in a lift of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $50 note lying on the floor. Which one picked it up??
Santa of course, the other two don't exist!
8)
Not a joke but a bit of trivia
Lincoln/Kennedy:
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are comprised of fifteen letters.
Lincoln was shot at the theatre named 'Kennedy.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln.'
Booth ran from the theatre and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker...
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.
Get ready for xmas cracker type jokes... 8)
Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?
Because he had a low "elf" esteem!
What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?
He got 25 days!
What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson!
What do you call Santa's little helpers?
Subordinate clauses!
What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!
What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A broken drum, you just can't beat it!
How did Scrooge win the football game?
The ghost of Christmas passed!
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws
What says Oh Oh Oh?
Santa walking backwards!
Who is Santa's favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley!
What do Santa's little helpers learn at school?
The elf-abet!
What did Santa say to the smoker?
Please don't smoke, it's bad for my elf!
What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when a fire is lit?
Krisp Kringle!
What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
Horn-aments!
Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?
They always drop their needles!
Did Rudolph go to school?
No. He was Elf-taught!
Why did the turkey join the band?
Because it had the drumsticks!
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite!
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle!
What song do you sing at a snowman's birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow!
How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
One that's deep pan, crisp and even!
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy!
What do you call a cat in the desert?
Sandy Claws!
What does Santa do with fat elves?
He sends them to an Elf Farm!
What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve!
;D
Funny exam answers:
Q. In what battle did Napoleon die?
A. His last one
Q. Where was the declaration of independence signed?
A. On the bottom of the page
Q. River Ravi, flows in which state?
A. Liquid state
Q. What is the main reasons for divorce?
A. Marriage.
Q. What can you never eat for Breakfast?
A. Lunch and Dinner
Q. What looks like half an apple?
A. The other half.
Q. If you threw a red stone into the Blue sea, what will it become?
A. A wet stone
Q. How can a man go 8 days without sleeping?
A. Easy, sleep at night.
Q. If you had 3 apples and 4 oranges in one hand, and 4 apples and 3 oranges in the other hand, what have you got?
A. Very large hands.
Q. If it took 8 men 10 hours to build a brick wall, how long will it take 4men to build it?
A. No time, the wall is already built.
Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A. Anyway you want, because a concrete floor is very hard to crack. :)
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish.
8)
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.
:o
The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.
;D
Another Christmas joke
A tabby cat was singing at Christmas "All I want for Christmas is 2 Little Kittens"
Not far behind a Tom "Here comes Santa Claus"
I openned my Christmas cracker joke and all it said was "The Adelaide Crows"
Quote from: T Dog on December 26, 2013, 11:30:09 AM
The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.
;D
hahaha so true ;D 8)
Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
Because the angel had said,"No L!"
8)
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Season Begins ...
The biggest joke today, was the team bowled out at the MCG, for 179 :P
If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
Missletoe!
8)
NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO KEEP IF YOU'RE A NERD
I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!
I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.
When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"
I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.
I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate.
I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.
I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.
I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer e-mail.
When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.
I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.
No more downloads from alt.binaries.*
I resolve to back up my new 400 GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps...
I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.
I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.
I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.
;D
A woman goes to the hospital. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.
"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Innisfail, in my vagina."
The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said, "Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the sticker's off the bananas."
Husband Wanted
A lonely widow, age 60 decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (60's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME.
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell.
Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you, you have no legs!"
The old man smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted, "You don't have any arms either!"
Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed?"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "Rang the doorbell didn't I?"
At the tea break, everybody rushed to the bar, where local barman had thoughtfully provided a case of light beer. Unfortunately, the beer was off and halfway through the second innings, everyone was so ill that they abandoned the match.
It was a case of bad light stopping play.
8)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=VBDGmUEcHaw
;D
Not quite politically correct.... :o
In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and barbies. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and barbies. God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the second Day.
On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming and barbies on the beach. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day.
On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide tobacco, malt and yeast for beer and wood for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day.
On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day.
On the Fifth day God created a bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day.
On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day.
On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes, smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God saw that it was good. well almost good. God saw that the blokes were tired and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook and clean the barbie. God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that, it was bloody great!
IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!
;D
Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
because every buck is dear to him.
8)
ME: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.
MOM: Oh my! Who!?
ME: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?
MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
ME: No, it was with a knife...
My mom stares at me confused and then gets angry, while my dad grins from ear to ear, with a single tear of pride.
Quote from: NigeyS on January 04, 2014, 12:33:05 PM
ME: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.
MOM: Oh my! Who!?
ME: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?
MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
ME: No, it was with a knife...
My mom stares at me confused and then gets angry, while my dad grins from ear to ear, with a single tear of pride.
Hahaha, used to tell that all the time. Was followed by the classic:
Did you hear about the fire in Aussie Disposals? It was intents!
Normally earned me some disapproving stares and the occasional giggle 8)
An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing.
He takes out an ad in the newspaper, but two weeks later there is still no sign of the mutt.
What did you write in the ad? his wife asked.
"Here, boy" he replies.
8)
Is this why the English Team are so bad.
After a heavy lunch KP syas to Alistair Cook. "Do not think I can bat any more skip. I keep seeing three balls"
Thats easily overcome says Cook "Just hit the middle one"
First ball after lunch KP is bowled.
Cook says "I told you to hit the middlle ball"
KP says "I did skip but used the outside bat"
'Twas The Night Before Christmas
'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.
As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.
His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.
Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.
Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about- face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."
:o 8)
So, a guy is walking along the street and he sees a sign advertising a cocksucking frog. After a quick demo, he immediately purchases it and rushes home to his wife. He gives her the frog and explains that it is a cocksucking frog.
'What the hell do you expect me to do with it?'
'Teach it to cook and then flower off.'
Quote from: kilbluff1985 on January 06, 2014, 08:24:00 PM
So, a guy is walking along the street and he sees a sign advertising a cocksucking frog. After a quick demo, he immediately purchases it and rushes home to his wife. He gives her the frog and explains that it is a cocksucking frog.
'What the hell do you expect me to do with it?'
'Teach it to cook and then flower off.'
Love it ;D
How are the Star-Trek Enterprise and a Roll of Toilet Paper alike?
They both circle around Uranus looking for Cling-Ons 8)
A Brief History of Medicine
2000 B.C. -- Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. -- That root is heathen. Say this prayer.
1850 A.D. -- That prayer is superstition. Drink this potion.
1940 A.D. -- That potion is snake oil. Swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. -- That pill is ineffective. Take this antibiotic.
2013 A.D. -- That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
8)
(http://i1220.photobucket.com/albums/dd442/McRooster2/image_zps1fe5ef2f.jpg)
It is hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what is telling me to say that.
8)
Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?....though it may just be me... :-[
Did you hear about the blonde who hijacked a submarine?
She demanded $2,000,000.00 and a parachute. ;D
A guy meets a girl at a pub. Usual pick up lines etc etc and home they go.
He goes down on her and says, "Yikes. What's that smell? It stinks."
"Yeah" she says. "That's my arthritis."
Puzzled, he asks "What? Arthritis of your fanny?"
"No. My shoulder. I can't wipe my arse!"
Quote from: tor01doc on January 11, 2014, 12:52:06 AM
A guy meets a girl at a pub. Usual pick up lines etc etc and home they go.
He goes down on her and says, "Yikes. What's that smell? It stinks."
"Yeah" she says. "That's my arthritis."
Puzzled, he asks "What? Arthritis of your fanny?"
"No. My shoulder. I can't wipe my arse!"
(http://imagemacros.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/family_guy_thats_nasty1.jpg)
Lecturer: "Today we are discussing sexual intercourse. There are sixty different ways of achieving sexual intercourse".
Voice from the back: "Sixty five!"
Lecturer: "There are sixty known different ways ..."
Same voice again: "Sixty five!"
Lecturer: "Despite the gentleman at the back, there are sixty different ways known to the medical profession, the first of which being man on top of woman".
Voice from the back: "Sixty six!"
8)
Emotional extremes
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," said she.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
;D ;D ;D
What is the difference between an English Batsmen and Cinderalla?
Cinderalla knows when to leave the Ball.
Quote from: Ringo on January 12, 2014, 02:48:38 PM
What is the difference between an English Batsmen and Cinderalla?
Cinderalla knows when to leave the Ball.
Someone showed that one to me the other day, absolutely love it.
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."
"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
:o
Another English Cricket joke
What is the definition of Optimism?
An English Batsmen putting on Sunscreen.
The Indian Ambassador takes his Russian counterpart on a tour through New Delhi. As they drive along they see several Indians taking dumps by the roadside.
The Russian is disgusted and the Indian embarrassed but remains silent.
When the Indian visits the Russian Ambassador, they tour through a spotless, gleaming Moscow and the Russian beams with pride.
Suddenly the Indian spots a man taking a dump by the roadside. 'I see,' he says smugly, 'that you Russians also do poo by the road.'
As they get closer, the Russian smiles and says, "That's the Indian Consul-General!'
England :P
Adelaide :P
An Englishman, an Indian, a Russian and a South Australian walk into a bar.
The barman says, "Is this some kind of bloody joke?"
8)
A magician is winding down to the end of a performance, and in preparation for his final trick, he asks for a volunteer from the audience. A man comes up, and the magician says, "Okay, now I'm going to lay my head down on this block, and when I say 'abra-cadabra', I want you to smack the side of my head with this sledgehammer." The magician kneels carefully, positions his head on the block, and says, "Abra-cadabra!" And the guy from the audience winds up and smacks him on the side of the head with the hammer. The magician crumples to the stage, unconscious, and goes into a deep coma.
Ten years later, he wakes up in the hospital, looks at the nurse, and says, "TA - DAA!!!" 8)
a bloke meets a stunningly attractive Italian girl at a club in Sydney, he starts casually chatting to her until she says
"look, honestly I'm just out at this club hoping to sleep with someone to make enough money to get back to Italy."
the man replies " well it just so happens that I'm a sailor and tomorrow our ship is heading there! I will let you come along however I will have to stow you away below deck! and I will bring you food and water each night. in return each night I will come below deck and in you shal repay me with sex!'
she reluctantly agrees and for 6 months he brings her food and they have sex.
until one early morning a weathered looking gent walks below deck with his hat in his hands and says "Listen miss I know that you've been down here for 6 months and I feel it only fair to tell you this is the Manly ferrie"
An elderly man moved into a nursing home. After he'd been there a few days, a nurse noticed him leaning to the right, and strapped his left arm to the chair. A few days later, she noticed him leaning to the left, and strapped his right arm to the chair. Not long after that, she noticed him leaning forward in his chair, so she strapped him to the back of the chair. His daughter came to visit him. "How do you like this place?" she asked him. "It's not bad," he replied, "except they won't let me fart."
::)
On arriving home, Norm was met at the door by his sobbing wife, Cheri' who tearfully explained, "It was the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Norm immediately drove in to town to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before Norm could say no more than a few words, the druggist hollered, "Now, just a minute, you hold on! Please just listen to my side of it... This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I got up late. I had no breakfast and hurried half dressed, out to the car, only to realize that I had just locked the house with both house and car keys inside.
I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. and then three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up, and I started waiting on them, and all the time the damn phone was ringing off the hook."
The druggist continued, "Then breaking a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, I spilled them all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the damn phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles all of them fell to the floor and broke.
Meanwhile, the damn phone is has not stopped ringing for a second and when I finally got to answer it. It was your wife, Cheri' wanting to know how to use a digital rectal thermometer... and honest Norm, all I did was really tell her!" 8)
A few lame ones to start with... ::)
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe, they both get plastered and the giraffe collapses on the floor. The man walks out. Bar tender turns round and says "Oi you cant leave that lyin there!"
Man replies "Its not a lion its a giraffe!"
Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
Two teenagers have been arrested. One was drinking batterey acid the other was eating fireworks.
Police charged one and let the other off.
Did you hear about the human cannibal who passed his mate in the woods?
A man walks into the doctors naked and wrapped in gladwrap...the doctor says " I can clearly see your nuts"
Tim Watson..when he was a lot younger... ;D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gKZHbGszZDQ
Got emailed these ones, good chuckle hehe :P
Q What is the height of optimism?
A: English batsman putting on sunscreen.
Q. What is the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 car?
A. Nothing! If you blink you will miss them both.
Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.
Q. What does an English batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
A.They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.
Q. What is the difference between Cinderella and the Pommies?
A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.
Q. What's the difference between the Pommies and a funeral director?
A. A funeral director isn't going to lose the ashes.
A man buys a robot that is programmed to give anyone who tells a lie a slap on the face.
He decides to try it out during dinner.
- My son, where have you been today?
The son replies:
- In school.
SLAP, the robot gives him a slap.
- Ok! I watched a movie at my friends house!
- What movie?
- E.T.
SLAP, the robot gives him another slap
- Ok, ok, it was pr0n!
- What? When I was your age I had no idea on what pr0n even was. Dad says in an accusing tone.
SLAP, the robot gives dad a slap
Mom laughs:
- You can tell he's your son.
SLAP, mom gets a slap
Quote from: elephants on January 16, 2014, 12:43:48 AM
Got emailed these ones, good chuckle hehe :P
Q What is the height of optimism?
A: English batsman putting on sunscreen.
Q. What is the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 car?
A. Nothing! If you blink you will miss them both.
Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.
Q. What does an English batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
A.They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.
Q. What is the difference between Cinderella and the Pommies?
A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.
Q. What's the difference between the Pommies and a funeral director?
A. A funeral director isn't going to lose the ashes.
Hahahaha some of those are gold!
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her
and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do
know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly,
you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife,
and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You
think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the
worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very
quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair!"
A guy sits down in a Cafe' and asks for the hot chile.
The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full.
He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."
He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."
:o
One day, Miss Finch was giving the class a lesson on grammar. "I want someone to use the word brilliant, in the same sentence twice"
"My father bought my brilliant mother a brilliant dress", said Little Mary.
"My mother planned a brilliant banquet and turned out brilliantly", said Little Jack.
Then Little Johnny spoke up, "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my dad that she was pregnant. He said, 'Brilliant, just flowering brilliant!" heell yah
;D
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and appealed to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied,
"Your Honor,when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me, or to the machine?"
"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."
"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."
"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."
"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home."
True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector.
He said he would put a new one on immediately.
"Also," said the Amish woman, "The policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."
A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."
"What's the problem?" the docotor inquired.
"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.
"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.
"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."
"So, what's your problem?"
"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
;D
A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance.
But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he understood why !
The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words :
Psycho-
the-
rapist.
8)
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
8)
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
8)
A man and a woman who had never met before but were both married to other people found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.
He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1 a.m., the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet and get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"i have a better idea," she replied. "just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"wow! that's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "good," she replied. "get your own blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted.
8)
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $190,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $300,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $155,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"
:o
ON THE SHIRTS OF WOMEN
1. So many men, so few who can afford me.
2. God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
3. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.
4. At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all...I just can't remember it all.........
5. My Mother Is a travel agent for guilt trips.
6. Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.
7. Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich.
8. Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
9. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
10. Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
11. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
12. I'm out of estrogen - and I have a gun.
13. Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?
14. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
15. I hate everybody...and you're next.
16. And your point is...?
17. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
18. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
19. Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.
20. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
21. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
22. All stressed out and no one to choke.
23. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
24. How can I miss you if you won't go away?
25. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
26. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
27. Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
28. If you can send one man to the moon, why can't you send them all?
8)
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.
They then get to meet their maker and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line the last guy in the line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:
"Make 'em all ugly again".
;D
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/75063_476214632483474_1642003995_n.jpg)
PUNTASTIC ;D
Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to go."
Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?"
Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.
When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. "This is great," he thought, "if this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven."
Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity.
Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons.
"So, how is everything going?" God asked.
Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place....with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women?
"That was the demo," replied God.
;D
What do sharks say when something radical happens?
JAWESOME 8)
A PREACHER SAID, "ANYONE WITH 'SPECIAL NEEDS' WHO WANTS TO BE PRAYED OVER, PLEASE COME FORWARD TO THE FRONT BY THE ALTAR."
With that, Grazz got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked :
"GRAZZ, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO PRAY ABOUT FOR YOU?"
GRAZZ REPLIED, "PREACHER, I NEED YOU TO PRAY FOR HELP WITH MY HEARING."
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Grazz's ear,
PLACED HIS OTHER HAND ON TOP OF GRAZZ'S HEAD, AND THEN PRAYED AND PRAYED AND PRAYED.
HE PRAYED TO THE 'ALMIGHTY' FOR GRAZZ, AND THE WHOLE CONGREGATION JOINED IN WITH GREAT ENTHUSIASM.
AFTER A FEW MINUTES, THE PREACHER REMOVED HIS HANDS, STOOD BACK AND ASKED, "GRAZZ, HOW IS YOUR HEARING NOW?"
GRAZZ ANSWERED, "I DON'T KNOW. IT AIN'T 'TIL NEXT WEEK!"
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an
Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Eskimo, an Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Scotsman, an Indonesian with 62 refugee boat people, and 2 Africans, ... walk into a fine restaurant.
"I'm sorry," says the maitre'd after scrutinizing the group. "You can't come in here without a Thai!
A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.
The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.
"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'
The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."
"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.
"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."
"Absolutely," said the head.
"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."
"An interesting possibility," said the head.
"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."
:o 8)
On her way home from a long trip, a blonde drove past a sign that said "CLEAN TOILETS 8 MILES."
By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 toilets.
::)
Lame (285)
10 interesting facts:
1) you cant say "s" without using your tongue
2) just tried it
3) your grinning
4) you just checked to see if i forgot a number
5) your smiling
7) you didnt notice that I forgot 6)
8). so you check it
9) you think this is a weird "joke"
10) you give it a good rating anyway :)
;D
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card
::) 8) :o ;D
Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night.
He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine.
One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all.
The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways."
The wife thought that might be a good idea.
That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition.
His wife heard him at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the door, and let Harry in.
This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed, now, don't you think?"
At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll be getting in trouble with the stupid wife when I get home anyway!" 8)
A blond and her blond boyfriend went for a walk along the river.
The blond walked across alone on a wooden bridge. After crossing the river, the bridge fell down.
She called across to her blond boyfriend telling him that she couldn't get back.
He yelled in response, "Wait until dark, and I will shine my flash light across the river. Get on the light beam and walk back."
She replied, "No, I'll get half way across the river, and you will turn the light off on me!"
::)
A three-legged dog bursts into a saloon in the old West.
He limps up to the bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
8)
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. :'(
Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm. His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis.
"Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing."
Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off. Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football.
"Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing!"
Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head. Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached. The next day he goes to see his friend but can't find him. He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, "Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday."
The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."
8)
;)
Money is not everything. There's Mastercard & Visa.
Save water. Shower with your girl friend.
Love the neighbor. But don't get caught.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
The wise never marry, And when they marry they become otherwise.
Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.
Love is photogenic It needs darkness to develop
Children in backseats cause accidents and Accidents in backseats cause children
"Your future depends on your dreams" So go to sleep
There should be a better way to start day than waking up every morning
"Hard work never killed anybody" But why take the risk!
"Work fascinates me" I can look at it for hours!
God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends.
When two's company, three's the result!
A dress is like a barbed fence. It protects the premises without restricting the view.
The more you learn, the more you know, The more you know, the more you forget The more you forget, the less you know So why bother to learn.
::)
Blonde Detective
A policeman was interviewing three blondes who wanted to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he showed the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hid it. "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answered, "That's easy! We'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman said, "Well, that's because the picture shows his profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashed the picture at the second blonde and said, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggled, flipped her hair and said, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily replied, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing, because this is a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Additional Details
Extremely frustrated at this point, he showed the picture to the third blonde and said, in a very testy voice, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?" He quickly added, "And think hard before answering, so you don't say something completely idiotic."
The blonde looked at the picture intently for a moment and said, "Hmm... The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman was stunned speechless, because he honestly didn't know whether the suspect wore contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I'll get back to you on that." He left the room and went to his office, checked the suspect's file in his computer, and came back beaming. "Wow!" he said, "I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! But how were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses, because he only has one eye and one ear." ::)
What did the mime say to the other? ..............................
An intelligent Collingwood supporter walks into a Library..
Late 1990's. Downtown London. New Labour. Oasis. Blur. Chumbawamba etc etc. Pretty cool place to be.
Elton John, Robbie Williams and Kylie are staggering home after a big night out.
Kylie stumbles and her head gets caught between the uprights of a fence leaving her bent over - trapped.
Robbie Williams pushes Elton aside, drops his pants, pulls the Gold hotpants down and goes for it.
He tells Elton he's next.
Elton starts sobbing.
'What's wrong?' Asks Robbie.
Elton replies between hysterical sobs, 'My head won't fit between the bars.'
Carol, a blonde city girl, marries a Cornish dairy farmer.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Carol, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
So then the farmer leaves for the fields.
After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Carol takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one ... Right here.'
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks,
'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'
'That's simple; by the nail over its stall', Carol explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'
She turns and starts to walk away and with complete confidence, says over her shoulder ...
'I assume it's to hang your trousers on.'
DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING:
Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on My VCR?
Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.
Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
Remember these people can vote!!
8)
Everyday Dan would come home and slap his wife on the ass and say,
"Best Butt, best butt".
This continued day after day. So as a surprise for her husband she went to the tattoo parlor.
Can you tattoo "Best Butt" on my bum?
After hearing the price and having little money she could only afford to put a "B" on each cheek.
"That's good enough, that'll do".
The next day her husband came home and she flipped up her skirt and revealed her surprise...
"Who the hell is Bob?
The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?" "Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it." 8)
A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Linda, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.
The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday".
S O M E T I M ES
Sometimes....when you cry....
no one sees your tears.
Sometimes....when you are in pain....
no one sees your hurt.
Sometimes....when you are worried....
no one sees your stress.
Sometimes....when you are happy....
no one sees your smile.
v
v
v
v
v
But FART !!just ONE friggin' time.....
And everybody knows!!
That one reminds me of the one about Tony - the man who was mayor. Tony - the man who ran fundraisers. Tony - the father of the year. Tony - the man who saved the local orphanage.
He complained that nobody calls him Tony the mayor or Tony the champion fundraiser or Tony the one who saved the orphanage.
No. But I shag just one little goat....
After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him: "This is all in your mind" and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits, the shrink confesses: "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor says: "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says: "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year!
All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor: "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says: "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says: "1-2-3" and suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says: "What did you say '1-2-3' for?" :'(
What do you call a monkey in a minefield ?
A Baboom !
Which day of the week do fish hate?.......
Fry-Day
;D ;D ;D
STkilda are a good side.
noto makes good jokes
1) Jones had taken his wife to a cricket match. She sat through the first innings although plainly bored. In the second innings a batsman gave a tremendous swipe and knocked the ball out of the ground. 'Thank goodness they got rid of it,' she sighed. 'Now we can all go home.
2) Well, your Lordship
A lord was entertaining some guests at his country estate and they were playing cricket. The lord was batting and his chief footman was the umpire. A guest bowled and plainly caught the lord l.b.w.
They appealed to the footman, who said, 'Lord Melford ; is not at home.'
'What?' said the lord.
'Well, your lordship,' said the footman, 'to speak plainly you're out!'
3) A close shave
The local barber was umpiring in the village match and when one of the batsmen was apparently run out he said: 'Not out.'
The batsman looked at him thankfully. 'That was a close shave,' he said.
'Aye,' said the umpire, 'and if you 'adn't been a regular customer it would 'ave been 'Next gentleman please'!'
4) In a local match, the umpire was being jeered and heckled unmercifully from the crowd. At length he walked over to the boundary and sat down next to his chief critic.
"What are you doing?" asked the spectator.
"Well," said the umpire,"it seems you get the best view from here."
5) The stonewaller had been at the crease for two hours and had scored one run. It finally got too much for the umpire. He raised his finger and said: 'Out'.
'What for?' said the batsman.
'Loitering with intent,' answered the umpire.
6) Can you walk?
The batsman received a fast ball which struck his pad. Though it was obviously l.b.w. he tried to feign injury by dancing around in agony. He fell to the ground clutching his foot and the umpire came up and looked down at him.
'Can you walk?' he asked, solicitously.
'Yes.'
'Then walk back to the pavilion, mate. You're out!'
7) Mrs Jones : I'd like my son to be excused playing cricket. I don't think he should mix with that sort of person.
Teacher: How d'you mean?
Mrs Jones: Well; I distinctly heard him say that the man in the white coat was a vampire!
8) Wife: 'Who's Bill Robinson?'
George: 'He saved us from losing last week.'
Wife: 'Really? Is he a batsman or a bowler?'
George: 'Neither. He's the umpire.'
9) Prison cricket match
It was the convicts' cricket match. The fast bowler whizzed down a screamer which just missed, but a bail gently toppled off.
'Not out,' protested the batsman, 'it was the wind.'
'Wind or not,' said the umpire, 'you're out on bail!'
10) How was I out?
The ball had hit the batsman on the arm and yet he was still given out. As he passed the umpire, he asked, 'How was I out?'
'Why don't you look in the paper tomorrow?' replied the umpire, smugly.
'Why don't you look?' said the batsman. 'I'm the editor!'
11) No umpire ?
The village teams were ready to begin their match but discovered that they were without an umpire. They decided that they would use a member of the crowd even though he knew nothing of the rules. When he was dressed in his white coat and hat, he went up to the captain of the home side.
"What do I do?" he asked
."It's very simple," said the home captain. "When I shout "HOWZAT!" you simply put up your finger and say "OUT".
When it's our turn to bat, I'll tell thee a little bit more!"
12) When were we married ?
George was always thinking of cricket. Eventually, his exasperated wife said, "You think nothing but cricket. I bet you don't even remember the day we were married."
"Of course I do," said George. "It was the day Sir Colin Cowdrey got a 100 not out against Surrey."
A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back.
"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible."
"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Father." Said the man.
"After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again.
"Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.
"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."
"You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest. 8)
Top 10 dumbest criminals
RUNNER-UP #9
Yankton, South Dakota: A woman was arrested at her step son's Boy Scout meeting. While watching a policeman demonstrate his drug dog's ability, the dog found a bag of grass in her purse.
RUNNER-UP #8
Colorado Springs: A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
RUNNER-UP #7
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
RUNNER-UP #6
San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
RUNNER-UP #5
From England: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for 40 Pounds and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of 40 Pounds. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture...of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine.
RUNNER-UP #4
Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense," said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.
RUNNER-UP #3
Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your (expletive) head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "If I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence.
RUNNER-UP #2
Detroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer felon-location equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
RUNNER-UP #1
Another from Detroit: A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him
THE WINNER!
A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued....and won. In delivering the ruling the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
8) 8)
Quote from: T Dog on February 17, 2014, 08:07:59 AM
Top 10 dumbest criminals
RUNNER-UP #9
Yankton, South Dakota: A woman was arrested at her step son's Boy Scout meeting. While watching a policeman demonstrate his drug dog's ability, the dog found a bag of grass in her purse.
RUNNER-UP #8
Colorado Springs: A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
RUNNER-UP #7
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
RUNNER-UP #6
San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
RUNNER-UP #5
From England: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for 40 Pounds and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of 40 Pounds. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture...of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine.
RUNNER-UP #4
Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense," said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.
RUNNER-UP #3
Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your (expletive) head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "If I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence.
RUNNER-UP #2
Detroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer felon-location equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
RUNNER-UP #1
Another from Detroit: A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him
THE WINNER!
A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued....and won. In delivering the ruling the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
8) 8)
Bahahaha the winner was an absolite cracker T dog!! Great story!! Gotta love Karma!!
These are my best pickup lines...they all work sensationally...use them...you will be surprised ... 8)
Do you think I could borrow that dress sometime?
There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself.
You are so beautiful that I want to be reincarnated as your child so that I can breastfeed by you until I'm 20.
Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.
I'd like to name a multiple orgasm after you.
That outfit would look great crumpled in a heap on unsolved mysteries
"I put the STD in STUD, all I need is U..."
I wanna live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
Know what would look good on you? CRUTCHES
"Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?"
Do you like heavy metal? Because I can teach you how to scream.
Hi, (look her up and down) you'll do
Guy walks up and checks your tag- "just what I thought...made in heaven."
Do I know you from somewhere, because I don't recognize you with your clothes on?
Girl, you gotta be tired coz you been runnin through my mind all day.
I'm a necrophiliac, so why don't you drop dead and I'll think about it!
Got two nipples for a dime?
Come on, Im a friend of your dad.
Help, somethings wrong with my eyes - I just can't take them off you.
"I'm working on a porn site. Wanna be in the first video?"
I'm throwing a house party....and the only person invited is you
Call the cops...See Who Comes first.
I wanna eat your shower on bread!
Hey baby, you must be a light switch, coz every time I see you, you turn me on!
I have a fetish for feet, can I lick your toes?(if no) Please?!
I got u something special baby, it's the condom I used when I lost my virginity
Hi, I'm the new Milkman. Do you want it in the front or the back?
I think I feel like Richard Gere - I'm standing next to you, the Pretty Woman.
I dont want to come between you... or do I
Do you wipe front to back or back to front?
Just say yes now and I wont have to spike your drink
It's hard for me to concentrate around you because all the blood from my brain has immediately gone to my boner
If I could be anything, I'd love to be your bathwater.
Hey, is it just me, or are we destined to be married?
I like my coffee like I like my women...sealed in an air tight bag in the freezer
"There's a tornado, come into my basement"
Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
(Smell a girl) "I smell that you are in season... want to breed?"
My couch pulls out, but I don't
I just want to be friends....with your insides
Hi, I'm a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?
Hi, I've been undressing you with my eyes all night long, and think it's time to see if I'm right.
Let me spell my love for you S-T-A-L-K-E-R
You have the cutest smile when you sleep
GET IN THE VAN!
I'm sick. My medicine is to talk to you.
If you ever want to see your children again, you'll do what I want.
Do you believe in helping the homeless? [If yes] Take me home with you.
Hi, I'm a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?
If I'd follow you home, would you keep me?
hey lets go have sex with monkeys and rape their corpses.
Excuse me, i managed to notice that every time i pass you, a monster grows inside me called "dog get in my car" i just hope it doesn't escape and make me call after it ...
I only thought about you once today--I just never stopped.
What's the difference between a boner and a Lamborghini? I don't have a Lamborghini right now
I'm kind of new to this environment... can you show me the way to your apartment/house?
I'm the kind of man who deserves to have women I don't deserve.
I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good.
(Walk by a girl, stop and go back to her)"What kind of perfume are u wearing?" (she will say a perfume)"thats lovely, thats what a woman SHOULD smell like"
Shall I wait for you in my car or will the closet suffice?
Why don't you surprise your roommate and not come home tonight?
Was you Father an Alien? Cos honey on planet earth there's nothing else like you!
You're so good lookin' I'd drink your bath water.
You're eyes are bluer than the atlantic ocean and baby, I'm all lost at sea.
You're like a dictionary - you add meaning to my life!
You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.
OOOOOh baby u must have wished upon a star cause today is your lucky day!
;) :) ;D :D 8)
An interoffice softball game was held every year between the marketing and support staff of one company. The support staff whipped the marketing department soundly. To show just "how" the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game:
"The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 2013 Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game."
8)
The Kiss
Four strangers travelled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other.
One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 70 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen yrs. old--who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a very mature looking man in his mid-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.
As these four strangers travelled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.
In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts. The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"
The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"
The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.
And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"
::)
Say, "Do I smell popcorn?" right after you fart. So everybody takes a big whiff.... ::)
How did Ebenezer Scrooge win the football game?
The ghost of christmas passed
What do you call a bear without any teeth?
A gummy bear!
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?
A can't opener!
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
Does anyone need an ark?
I Noah guy.
;D
A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. The guy asks, "What's this about?"
The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it?"
The guy replies, "Nah, the steaks are too high."
8)
Do not send this on to at least five friends in the next 10 minutes. You will suffer no unforeseen consequences, you will not find the solution to world peace, nor will you inherit an obscene amount of cash. 8)
A blonde goes to the local restaurant, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it. She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking. After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming, "I won a motor home! I won a motor home!"
The waitress runs over and argues, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stereo system!"
The blonde replies, "No. I won a motor home!"
By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as one of our prizes."
Again the blonde says, "There is no mistake! I won a motor home!"
The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."
;D ;D...think about it.. ;D ;D
Here's a good joke, the flowering AFL Fantasy website not working for 2 flowering days!!! Useless cows!!!
flowering joke!!!!
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'
The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail. All kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'
8)
"Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."
8)
I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. ;D
Just a simple blonde joke
A redhead told her blonde friend... "last night, I slept with a Brazilian!"... The blonde replied..."you Mole! How many is a brazilian?" ;D
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I`ve kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I`ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the gum tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde."
The Blonde then taped the note to the kid`s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the gum tree.
The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?
::)
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, ..When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. :'(
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
I'll have the rump steak, rare, please.
He said, Aren't you worried about the mad cow?
Nah, she can order for herself I replied.
And that's when the fight started.
:-X
What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.
Q: What's a blonds' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.
Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A: A blond electrician.
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, ..Do you want to have Sex?
No.., she answered.
I then said, ...Is that your final answer?.
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, ..Yes...
So I said, ..Then I'd like to phone a friend.
And that's when the fight started. :-X
Two men walk into a bar
**ding** ding****
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ..The weather out there is terrible....My loving wife of five years replied, ..And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?.. And that's how the fight started. >:(
This morning on the freeway I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new Volkswagen Golf doing 100 km per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily, but she gave me such a fright I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the meat pie out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, my mobile phone slid out from between my shoulder and my ear, and fell into the coffee between my legs, which splashed and burned Big Tom and the Twins, ruined the phone, soaked my trousers and disconnected an important call.
Bloody women drivers!
A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town, when a bum walked up to him and asked the man for two dollars.
The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The bum replied, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked the bum, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
In Australia, the curbside garbage carts are called "wheelie bins."
A garbage collector is driving along a Sydney street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his rubbish truck.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out. In the spirit of kindness and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck, goes to the front door and knocks.
There's no answer. Being a conscientious bloke, he knocks againmuch harder. Eventually, a Japanese man comes to the door.
"Harro!" says the Japanese man.
"G'day mate, where's ya' bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toilet," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.
"No mate, where's ya' dust bin?"
"I dust been to toilet, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.
"Listen," says the garbage collector. "You're misunderstanding me. I mean, where's ya' wheelie bin?'"
"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear.
"I wheelie bin having s*x wiffa wife's sista!!!"
Quote from: nas on March 11, 2014, 04:22:00 PM
In Australia, the curbside garbage carts are called "wheelie bins."
A garbage collector is driving along a Sydney street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his rubbish truck.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out. In the spirit of kindness and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck, goes to the front door and knocks.
There's no answer. Being a conscientious bloke, he knocks again
Hilarious! :P
Quote from: Honey Badger on March 11, 2014, 06:43:37 PM
Quote from: nas on March 11, 2014, 04:22:00 PM
In Australia, the curbside garbage carts are called "wheelie bins."
A garbage collector is driving along a Sydney street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his rubbish truck.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out. In the spirit of kindness and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck, goes to the front door and knocks.
There's no answer. Being a conscientious bloke, he knocks again
Hilarious! :P
At work & stupid copy n paste problems. Fixed now
An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.
The young lass, on learning it wasn't real, returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.
'It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day,' he smiled.
'I gave you a sham rock.'
Sarah was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to Etihad stadium." "Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine. Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?" "Absolutely not," he said. "How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not." "Season's more than half over", he said. ::)
A blonde decides she wants to go ice fishing. So she goes to the library and reads and researches ice fishing. Then she goes to the sporting goods store and buys everything she needs.
So she finally thinks she is ready to get started, so she goes out to the ice and starts drilling a hole.
Suddenly she hears a voice from up above. It says: "There are no fish under the ice." So she decides to go farther down on the ice. She starts drilling and she hears the voice again; "There are no fish under the ice" So she packs up her things and moves down the ice again. She starts drilling and she hears the voice again. "There are no fish under the ice."
"Is that you Lord?" she says
"No" says the voice, "I'm the manager of the ice hockey rink."
At a dinner party last year, I was asked the most ridiculous question by the host:
"If you knew a woman who was pregnant, and she had eight kids already, three of whom were deaf, two of whom were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?"
"The poor woman must be worn out caring for her existing children," I replied, "so I would have to say yes."
"Congratulations," said the host, with a self-satisfied grin, "you've just killed Beethoven."
"I've got one for you," I retorted, resisting the almost overwhelming urge to punch his face in; "Imagine you're still single and there are three girls walking down the street. One is blonde, one is brunette and the other is a redhead. Would you like to have sex with them?"
"Well," replied the host, "my wife is a brunette, so I would have to say I'd want to have sex with the brunette girl."
"Those girls are six years old," I replied. "Congratulations, you're a child rapist."
For some reason, I was never invited back.
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, ..Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!.. And that's how the fight started.
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as
Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
Why the early bird gets the worm;
Life isn't always fair;
And maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death,
by his parents, Truth and Trust,
by his wife, Discretion,
by his daughter, Responsibility,
and by his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim
Pay me for Doing Nothing
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
How true Tdog - Let us all stand up to revive common sense,
My wife hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some we hadn't seen for quite a while, and everyone was encouraged to bring their children as well.
All during dinner my wife's best friend's four-year-old stared at me sitting across from her.
The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.
I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me.
I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for me.
I finally asked her "Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went quiet for her response
The little girl said "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."
A few shockers...cringe cringe... ::)
If you throw a pencil up in the air is it still stationery?
Why did the coach give all his players a lighter? Because they lost all their matches.
Where do Dutch rodents live? Hamsterdam.
I start my new job tomorrow as a trainee bell ringer. I'm hoping someone will be there in the morning to show me the ropes.
What did the limestone say to the basalt? Don't take me for granite.
A pony walks into the bar and coughs noisily. The bartender says "that doesn't sound healthy, do you have a cold?" The pony replies "I'm fine, I'm just a little horse".
I entered ten puns into a contest to see which one would win... no pun in ten did.
Why should one always be nice to a psychic? Because everyone likes a happy medium.
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left to travel the world? Bison.
8)
There have been unconfirmed reports that Mick Jagger has already rebounded into the arms of Johnny Depps former model girlfriend...but surely a Rolling Stone dates no Moss :P
I am always disappointed when liars pants dont catch on fire.... >:(
An 89 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she appeared before the judge he asked her what she had stolen. She told him she had stolen a can of peaches. The judge then asked why she had stolen the peaches and she replied that she was hungry. Finally the judge asked her how many peaches we in the can, and she said 6. The judge thought for a moment and decided that since there were 6 peaches she would serve 6 days in jail.
But before the judge could bang the gavel and make it official the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something on his wife's behalf. The judge pondered and then said go ahead.
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
;D
I like to play chess with bald men in the park......................although it is hard to find 32 of them.
LOL some pretty light hearted funny gags in here :D
3 construction workers are working on a high rise complex, an Italian, Australian and Irishman.
They go to lunch, and the Italian says "flowering hell, if I get pastrami in my sandwich one more time I'm going to jump off this building and kill myself". The Australian says "flowering hell, if I get cheese and vegemite one more time I'm going to jump off this building and kill myself" and then the Irishman says "flowering hell, if I get tuna one more time I'm going to jump off this building and kill myself"
The next day the 3 guys go to lunch and the Italian opens up his lunch, see's pastrami and jumps off the building. The Aussie see's cheese and vegemite and jumps and the Irishman see tuna and also jumps
A few days later the wives are together at their funerals and the Italians wife says "If only I had known he was sick of pastrami, I would have made him something else". The Australians wife says the same thing about his cheese and vegemite sandwiches. The Irishman's wife then says "If only I had known, my husband made his own lunch every day"
Not my best work, but for some reason it's a joke I heard when I was young and still remember it lol
What's the difference between Caroline Wilson's nose and Andrew Demetriou's arsehole?
About 1cm most days.
Did you hear about the blind skunk? Fell in love with a fart.,, ;D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B759dzymyoc
8)
(http://i.imgur.com/I2UPca7.jpg)
My internet.
Harry Potter comment
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nyugoCASVy8
8)
Quickest comeback of the year
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could be as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defence attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policemans credibility.
Q: Officer did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.
Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.
Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes. With my life.
Q: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes, we do.
Q: And do you have a locker in the room?
A: Yes, I do.
Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes.
Q: Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?
A: You see, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
The courtroom exploded with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's Best Comeback line, and I think he'll win.
8)
This Joke speaks for itself!!
http://www.adelaidenow.com.au/sport/afl/leaked-footage-reveals-adelaide-crows-chants-rehearsal-session/story-fnia3xzy-1226865366279 (http://www.adelaidenow.com.au/sport/afl/leaked-footage-reveals-adelaide-crows-chants-rehearsal-session/story-fnia3xzy-1226865366279)
"Pride of South Australia" .........hahahahahahahaha
Interesting cricketing fact.... :o
An interesting but little known fact:
The first testicular guard (box) was used in cricket in1874.
The first cricket safety helmet was used in 1974.
Which means it took 100 years for men to realise that their brains may also be important!
8)
haha
My wife and I both made a list of 5 people we could sleep with...she read hers out and there were no surprises...1 George Clooney...2 Brad Pitt etc...
I thought 'I've got the better deal here'...1 Your sister
I will be able to walk again soon.. ::)
Three Irishmen; Paddy, Sean and Seamus left the pub late one night and found themselves on the road a road which led them past the local graveyard.
"Come over and have a look and this" says Paddy. "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul! He lived to the ripe old age of 87. Good blood, those O'Gradys!".
"That's nothing," says Sean. "Here's one named Patrick O'Toole and it says here that he was 95 when he died. Aye, those O'Tooles are a hardy bunch, they are!".
Just then, Seamus yells out, "Forget him, here's a fella that lived to be 145 years old!"
"What was his name?" asked Paddy and Sean.
Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles...".
"Miles who?" asked Paddy and Sean
"To Dublin"
Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.
After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in the hands of a skeleton!
Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"
"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.
"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin' Catholic.
There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette.
They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away.
The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died.
The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died.
The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back. ::)
A snail goes into a Rolls Royce dealer and says to the salesman; "I want the most expensive Rolls you have" "Certainly" replies the salesman, "this car here is the top of the range model." "It's perfect" says the snail, "but I want it customised." " We offer a full range of upgrades, anything at all, what would you like?" asks the salesman. "I simply want an 'S' painted on this side, one on the other side, and another on the roof." "But sir, whatever for? It'll totally ruin the car." "Well" replies the snail, "when I drive down the street, I want people to say 'look at that s-car go'."
;D..think about it... 8)
Merde! ::)
A young couple was making passionate love in the guy's van (you know, shag carpets, big double mattress in the back... all that) when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!" The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the aerial off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?" The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did. Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."
8)
Person 1- why did Lucy fall of the swing
Person 2- I dont know why
Person 1- because she has no arms
Person1- knock knock
Person 2- whos there
Person 1- Not Lucy....
It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback blew his top.
How many times can you do this to us in a single game?" he screamed. "You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter."
The official just stared.
The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. "What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that you STINK!"
The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback.
The official finally replied, "And how do I smell from here?"
a few quickies..
Two nuns are driving down the road when Dracula jumps out.
"Quickly," says the first, "show him your cross".
The other winds down the window, leans out and yells "Get out of the road you goofy barbie!"
Velcro. What a ripoff
The bartender says, "We don't serve time travelers here."
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?
He had locomotives.
;D
I walked into the bedroom to find my wife standing nude looking into the mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said "I feel horrible, I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment"
I replied " Your eyesight is damn near perfect"
thats when the fight started...
A few creepy pick up lines that are worth storing away for that special moment... :o
Do you think I could borrow that dress sometime?
There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself.
You are so beautiful that I want to be reincarnated as your child so that I can breastfeed by you until I'm 20.
Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.
I'd like to name a multiple orgasm after you.
That outfit would look great crumpled in a heap on unsolved mysteries
"I put the STD in STUD, all I need is U..."
I wanna live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
Know what would look good on you? CRUTCHES
"Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?"
Do you like heavy metal? Because I can teach you how to scream.
Hi, (look her up and down) you'll do
Guy walks up and checks your tag- "just what I thought...made in heaven.
" Do I know you from somewhere, because I don't recognize you with your clothes on?
I'm a necrophiliac, so why don't you drop dead and I'll think about it!
Got two nipples for a dime?
Come on, Im a friend of your dad.
8)
Last night I almost had a threesome, I only needed two more people! :-\
Brett Ratten - Knock, knock.
Mick Malthouse - Who's there?
BR - Owen.
MM - Owen who?
BR - 0 and 3 - ha ha ha ha ha.
I tried sniffing Coke last night, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose. :o
Eddie McGuire goes to Carlton for a meeting with John Elliott. After the meeting, John says to Eddie, "Well Eddie, I don't know what you think of your players at Victoria Park, but mine are all bright and brilliant."
"How do you know?" asks Eddie.
"Oh well, it's simple", says John. "They all have to take special tests before they can play here. Just watch this." He calls SOS over and asks him, "Tell me SOS, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"
"Ah, that's simple John", says SOS, "it's me!"
"Well done SOS", says John, and Eddie is very impressed.
Eddie returns to Collingwood and wonders about the intelligence of the his team. He calls in Nathan Buckley and asks, "Nathan, tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"
Nathan thinks and thinks and doesn't know the answer. "Can I think about it a bit more Eddie, and I'll give you the answer tomorrow?"
"Of course," says Eddie, "you've got 24 hours."
Nathan goes away, thinks as hard as he can, calls in his team-mates but no-one knows the answer. 20 hours later, Nathan is very worried - still no answer and only 4 hours to go. Eventually Nathan says "I know, I'll ring Leigh Matthews, he's clever, he'll know the answer."
He calls Leigh. "Leigh," he says, "tell me who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"
"Very simple", says Leigh, "it's me!"
"Of course", says Nathan and rings Eddie.
"Eddie", says Nathan, "I've got the answer: it's Leigh Matthews". "No, you idiot", says Eddie, "it's Stephen Silvagni".
Quote from: tor01doc on April 11, 2014, 12:45:34 AM
Brett Ratten - Knock, knock.
Mick Malthouse - Who's there?
BR - Owen.
MM - Owen who?
BR - 0 and 4 - ha ha ha ha ha.
Mick Malthouse got caught 43ks over the speed limit.
Just shows he will do anything to get 4 points
A ham, an egg, and a piece of toast go into a bar, and ordered drinks.
Then the bartender says
Quote from: T Dog on April 15, 2014, 03:49:21 PM
A ham, an egg, and a piece of toast go into a bar, and ordered drinks.
Then the bartender says
Interesting
By any chance is it meant to finish
"Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here."
Quote from: nrich102 on April 15, 2014, 03:54:59 PM
Quote from: T Dog on April 15, 2014, 03:49:21 PM
A ham, an egg, and a piece of toast go into a bar, and ordered drinks.
Then the bartender says
Interesting
By any chance is it meant to finish
"Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here."
normally I check... :-[
This guy in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
"No thank you," she said politely." "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."
"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.
"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."
;D
I spent all night banging on the kitchen table & I'm f*cking exhausted...Never again will I leave my Terry's Chocolate Orange in the fridge.
My wife caught me in bed with one of the neighbours and reacted really badly.....
Probably because we live next door to a cemetery.
Dancing on my grave? Over my dead body.
I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something... I forgot that I'm fat and I can't run for more than 2 minutes.
Q. What do you do for a drowning St Kilda player?
A. Nothing. You could drag him to the top, but he'll choke anyway.
Q. What's the difference between Essendon and an arsonist?
A. An arsonist wouldn't waste 22 matches.
Fremantle are bringing out a new bra! Plenty of support, soft and no CUP!!!
Did you hear that the Post Office has had to recall their latest stamps?
They had pictures of Collingwood players on them. People couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Did you hear about the politician who was found dead in a Fremantle jersey?
The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to save his family from the embarrassment.
Four surgeons are taking a coffee break. The first one says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up everything inside them is numbered."
The second surgeon says, "Nah, librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
Third surgeon says, "Try electricians. Everything inside them is colour-coded."
The fourth one says, "I prefer Carlton players. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and arses are interchangeable."
A man meets a friend and sees that his friend's car is total write-off and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood.
He asks his friend "What's happened to your car ?"
"Well," the friend responds, "I ran over Adam Mcphee".
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood. But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"
"Well, he tried to escape through the park."
Q. If you see a Collingwood fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A. It could be your bicycle.
Q. What do Collingwood fans and sperm have in common?
A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Q. What do you have when 100 Essendon fans are buried up to their necks in sand?
A. Not enough sand.
Q. What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead Fremantle fan on the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a Port fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What do you do?
A. Shoot the Port fan - twice.
Q. What's the difference between a female Essendon fan and a Pit bull?
A. Lipstick
Q. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an intelligent Carlton fan, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a $100.00 note. Who gets it?
A. The drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
Q. What do Port Fans use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
Q. What is the difference between a Collingwood Fan and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
Q. What do you call 5000 dead Carlton Fans at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start.
A Essendon fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Essendon jumper. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St Peter in a Tigers scarf.
"Hello, mate," says St Peter, "I'm sorry, no Essendon fans in heaven."
"What?" exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard. No Essendon fans."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man," replies the Essendon supporter.
"Oh, really?" says St Peter. "What have you done then?"
"Well," says the guy, "three weeks before I died, I gave 20 bucks to the starving children in Africa."
"Oh," says St Peter. "Anything else?"
"Well, two weeks before I died, I also gave 20 bucks to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died, I gave 20 bucks to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay," says St Peter, "you wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."
Ten minutes pass before St Peter returns. He looks the bloke In the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your sixty bucks back, now get lost."
5 DEADLY TERMS USED BY A WOMAN ~
1. FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when she knows she is RIGHT & YOU need to SHUT UP.
2. NOTHING: Means SOMETHING & you need to be WORRIED.
3. GO AHEAD: This is a dare, not permission , do NOT do it.
4. WHATEVER: A woman
Roses are red, violets are glorious. Don't try to surprise Oscar Pistorius.
How Fast Can You Guess These Short Words You Probably Use Every Day?
1. F__ K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. __ NDOM
Answers
1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM
Scoring
6 Correct: You're doing great! A young and supple mind.
5 Correct: You're still OK: everyone can miss ONE now and then.
4 Correct: You're past your prime, dad.
3 Correct: You're past your prime, grandma.
2 Correct: You really need to see your doctor.
1 Correct: You're probably already being seen by a doctor.
0 Correct: What a pervert!
John was feeling guilty, so he went to church for a confession.
John: Forgive me Father, I have sinned. I stole some wood from a construction site.
The priest: Well what did you do with the lumber my son?
John: Well my sons wheelchair ramp was broken so I fixed it.
The priest: At least you did good with it.
John: Wait father, I had some wood left.
The priest: What did you do with it?
John: My dog was cold so I built him a house.
The priest: I guess you still did good with it.
John: Wait father, I had some wood left.
The priest: What did you do with it?
John: My car was cold, so I built it a two-car garage to keep it warm.
The priest: That is a little out of hand...
John: But father, I still had a little wood left. My wife had always wanted a bigger house, so I built a second floor for our house.
The priest: Whoa! That's way too much! You are going to have to make a Novena for penance. Do you know how to make a Novena?
John: No, but if you have the plans I have plenty of wood. ::)
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the two teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward four men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his "pain".
"Please allow me to help, I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!", she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She began to massage his groin.
After a few moments she asked, "Does that feel better?"
The man looked up at her and replied, "Yes, that feels pretty good...but my thumb still hurts like hell! ;D
Haha great one T Dog! thanks!
The leader of the vegetarian society just couldn't control himself anymore. He just needed to try some pork, just to see what it tasted like. So one summer day he told his members he was going on a vacation. He packed out of town, and headed to the nearest restaurant. After sitting down, he ordered a roasted pig, and impatiently waited for his delicacy.
After just a few minutes, he heard someone call his name, and to his great chagrin he saw one of his fellow members walking towards him. Just at that same moment, the waiter walked over, with a huge platter, holding a full roasted pig with an apple in its mouth.
Isn't that something, says the leader after only a moments pause, all I do is order an apple, and look what it comes with!
8)
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why do doctors leave the room when you get undressed? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why does a pizza get to the house faster than an ambulance?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in", but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's the extra penny?
Why is the original text in a document called "copy"?
Why do chemist shops make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescription, but smokers can get their cigarettes up front?
Why is the small size of a candy bar the "fun size"? It's more fun to eat a big candy bar.
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why are there handicap parking places in front of the skating rink?
Why doesn't whoop-ass doesn't come in bottles?
Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and then a diet coke?
Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?
8)
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger!"
I was visiting a friend of mine in hospital who was dying of cancer.
When I walked into the room standing at the foot of the bed were 4 gorgeous women holding the numbers 1 - 4 in order.
I leaned over to my friend and asked why are these ladies holding numbers.
Easily explained my friend replied. I was told to make sure I got my affairs in order before I passed on.
The politician was sitting in campaign headquarters when he got the call that he won the election.
He immediately picked up the phone and called his mother.... Mum he shouted, I won the election.
Honestly? She replied.
His smile faded... Aw hell, why bring that up at a time like this!
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.
He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love.
When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on his birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home.
On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.
All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited.
She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"
She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak.
At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on.
Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang.
She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go.
It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg.
He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!!
It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse.
To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.
He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it.
Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table.
After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party
8) :o :'( :-[
Montana Grizzly Bear Notice...
In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field.
"We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear poop. Black bear poop is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear poop has little bells in it and smells like pepper." 8)
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a stunningly beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight black leather mini skirt with matching leather boots and jacket.
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step.
So, slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still could not make the step.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!!!!"
At this the Texan drawled: "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind a figured that we was friends."
::)
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "**** him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea." 8)
Did you here about the kidnapping at school?
It's alright, he woke up.
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called David, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.
David clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID Ten T error?
What's that? In case I need to fix it again."
David grinned, "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No", I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like that little boy.
::)
A man is leaning on a farm gate, watching the farmer round up some sheep when he realizes that the farmer isn't using a sheepdog, but rather a pig. What's more, the pig, which is expertly maneuvering the sheep into a pen, only has three legs. "Excuse me," says the man to the farmer, "but why has that pig only got three legs?" "Let me tell you a bit about that pig", says the farmer. "That pig not only herds my sheep, he also crows in the morning, milks the cows morning and night and collects the eggs from the hens." "And that's not all!", he continued, "that pig can count! He counts so well that he does all the farm accounts and fills in my tax forms." "What an amazing pig!" Says the man. "I ain't finished!", says the farmer. "Two years ago, my farmhouse caught fire and the pig called the fire brigade and then fetched water from the river to douse the flames in the hall. He then fought his way through the smoke to where my wife and children lay unconscious and dragged them from the burning house." "Wow!", says the man,"that really is an incredible pig. But I still don't understand why he only has three legs." "Ah, well", says the farmer, "when you have a pig that is that special, you don't eat him all at once..." ;D
It was professor smith's first day at St. Johns medical college as a faculty. Known for his teaching excellence, he made his entry into a classroom of 1st year medical students, where he received a warm welcome from the students, followed by their intro.
To start with, he planned to put forth a question to the class. He said, "Well students, before we start off with today's lecture, let me ask you a simple question on human anatomy".
He gazed across the classroom, spotted a female student Suzie, and said, "Tell me Suzie, which part of the human body grows 10 times its original size when excited?"
Hearing this question, Suzie's face grew pale in embarrassment, she replied:" you should be ashamed to ask such a question to a female. I am sorry, but I can't answer your, this question".
Thwarted by the girl's reply, professor smith rolled on his sight around the classroom afresh, to find out if there was anyone else who could satisfy his query.
This time he located a male student Henry, who had already raised his hand in affirmation to answer the question, and allowed the lad to go ahead.
Henry answered: "pupil of a human eye".
The professor applauded for the boy's accurate answer; then turned back to Suzie and said: "look, Suzie, I am sorry but, I must tell you a couple of things:
(1) You lack knowledge
(2) you have a dirty mind and
(3) Your Expectations are too high !!!!!!!(10 times....... ...huh... ...MY GOD!!) ::)
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest! You'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant snorting coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest! You'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up and the rabbit says, "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think of what you are doing to your body! Come running with us through the sunny forest! You will feel so good!" The lion puts down his needle, picks up the rabbit and starts beating him.
As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror they say, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"
The lion says, "He always makes me run around the forest for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"
8)
"Morning, KB. Er ... KB, you're wearing a glove on one hand and none on the other. Did you know?"
"Yes, well Dawg, I heard the weather forecast this morning, you see."
"The Weather forecast?"
"Yes, the weather forecast. the forecaster said on the one hand it might be fine but on the other hand there might be some rain."
;D
A very rich man gave birth to a son. On the son's sixteenth birthday, The man asked him what he wanted, and said that he would get anything his heart could desire. The son only asked for a pink ping pong ball. His father was curious, but complied. After they had cake and ice cream and the son opened his presents, he went up to his room with the pink ping pong ball. The ball was never seen again.
The next year, on the son's seventeenth birthday, the man asked him what he wanted, and said that, since he was starting college early, he could have anything he wanted. The son only asked for a crate of pink ping pong balls. His father was confused, but he got a crate. After they had cake and ice cream and the son opened his presents, he went up to his room with the crate pink ping pong balls. neither the crate nor the balls were ever seen again.
The next year, on the son's eighteenth birthday, the man asked him what he wanted, and said that, since eighteen is a big milestone, he could have anything he wanted. The son asked for a truck full of pink ping pong balls. The father couldn't hold it any longer. he asked "what do you want with these pink ping pong balls?" The son only asked that he trust him a little longer. the father valued his sons privacy, so he did not pry, and bought his son a truck full of pink ping pong balls. After the sons extravagant eighteenth birthday party, he went out to the truck alone. The next morning, the pink ping pong balls were nowhere to be found.
The next year, on the son's nineteenth birthday, The man asked If the son still wanted pink ping pong balls. The son said that he would like a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls. The father had predicted as much, and was very rich, so he had their chauffeur drive the son downtown to a warehouse purchased for this express purpose. When the son got there, he asked that the chauffeur leave him there overnight. The chauffeur, not one to disagree with his superior, left him. The next morning, when the chauffeur went to retrieve the son, the entire warehouse was empty. There were no pink ping pong balls to be found.
The next year, just before his twentieth birthday, the son got in a car crash. When he was recovering in the hospital, the father went to visit him on his birthday. He asked, "Son, is there anything I can do to ease your pain? What shall I get you for your birthday?" The son only asked for a single pink ping pong ball. The father said, "You will have that, only tell me what you do with all these pink ping pong balls." The son said he would explain once he had the pink ping pong ball. The father went down to the corner store and bought a single pink ping pong ball. When he returned to the room, the son was having lunch. He sat down next his son and gave him the pink ping pong ball, "Now, please, tell me what you do with them." The son spoke, slowly and with a stutter inflicted by the car crash "I wanted all those pink ping pong balls because I..." He died midsentence.
:o
Tdog I am very angry at you right now.......
god flowering dammit tdog
oh flower you Tdog. :P
lmao the jokes on us. good show Dawg ;D
Always nice to be noticed.... 8)
A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."
The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."
The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this scotch and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and drinks about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police... I'll let them decide who's fault it is."
8)
Quote from: GoLions16 on May 15, 2014, 04:33:06 PM
god flowering dammit tdog
Quote from: PowerBug on May 15, 2014, 05:26:17 PM
oh flower you Tdog. :P
Quote from: brad on May 15, 2014, 05:41:43 PM
lmao the jokes on us. good show Dawg ;D
Quote from: SydneyRox on May 15, 2014, 03:13:28 PM
Tdog I am very angry at you right now.......
look what i found... ;D
There once was a 5 year-old boy. His name was Little Timmy. At his age it is time for him to attend kindergarten school. But young Timmy didn't want to go to school, and refused to his mother. In reply, little Timmy's mom said, "I'll tell you what. If you get straight A's in your classes each marking period, I will give you whatever you want.
Little Timmy, loving his bargain, went straight to school that morning.
That marking period, Little Timmy's mother checked his grades. To her enjoyment, she found he had gotten all A's. She then said to Little Timmy, "What do you want as your gift?"
Now, Little Timmy thought a moment.
He then said to his mother, "I want a Ping Pong ball."
Puzzled, Little Timmy's mother agreed, and bought him a Ping Pong ball.
The next marking period, Little Timmy had gotten A's again. His mother asked him again, "What do you want as your gift?"
Now, Little Timmy thought a moment.
He then said to his mother, "I want 2 Ping Pong balls."
Puzzled still, Little Timmy's mother agreed, and bought him 2 Ping Pong balls.
Throughout his time in Kindergarten, he requested more and more Ping Pong balls. On his final marking period, he had gotten straight A's once more. This time, Little Timmy wanted just 1 Ping Pong ball, painted red.
Little Timmy's Mother went out and boguht him a red Ping Pong ball. Finally, she asked Little Timmy, "Why do you ask for so many Ping Pong balls?"
Now, little Timmy thought a moment.
He then said to his mother, "Give me until the end of Elementary school, and I will tell you."
Hesitantly, his mother agreed. Throughout the course of the years of Elementary, he asked for a variety of colored ping pong balls. Some red, some yellow, some blue, some even black. On his final marking period of 4th grade, Little Timmy wanted 10 Ping Pong balls. 1 red, 2 green, 3 brown, and 4 grey.
After giving him his gift, she then asked Little Timmy, "Why have you been asking for Ping Pong balls?"
Now, Little Timmy thought a moment.
He then said, "Give me until the end of Middle School, and I will tell you."
With a long sigh, she agreed.
Throughout those years he excelled through his grades. He asked for big Ping Pong balls, small Ping Pong balls, but never regular shaped.
Finally, his graduation to High School began. He asked for 50 white Ping Pong balls.
After getting his balls, she asked him, "Why have always asked for Ping Pong balls?"
Now, Little Timmy thought a moment.
He then said, "Give me until the end of High School, and I will tell you."
Resentfully, she agreed.
Years passed from then. Little Timmy asked for many different balls. Big blue ones, small brown ones, yellow broken ones, and white tiny ones.
Little Timmy had now graduated from High School. He was given a scholorship to Harvard University. This time, he asked for just one Ping Pong ball.
His mother got him the ball he wanted, and asked, "Why have you asked for Ping Pong balls all these years?!"
Now, Little Timmy thought a moment.
He then said to his mother, "I will tell you. But let me tell my girl friend first.
Happily, his mother Agreed.
Little Timmy began crossing the street to his girl friend's house. Out of nowhere a truck ran him over, killing him.
THE END
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Wanna here another joke TDog? Here it is;
Why did Tdog get punched in the face? Because he was pissing me off.
Hahahahaha love it tdog.
not amused any more...
A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished."
The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each otherseveral times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward,grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded.When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."
The trainer exclaimed, "Oh, so that's what finished him off?!!"
"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls."
:o :o :o
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awfulthat he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong."I feel terrible," ! he explains,"I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says,"Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down,and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.The rabbit jumps up waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.Ten feet away the rabbit stops,turns around and waves again,he hops down the road another 10 feet,turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished.He runs over to the woman and demands,"What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so the man can read the label
It says..
"Hair Spray -
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave." ;D
Things you'll never hear ... ;D
8 things you'll never hear a man say:
8.) Here honey, you use the remote.
7) You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
6) Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
5) While I'm up, can I get you anything?
4) Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held.
3) Aww, forget Friday night football, let's watch Melrose Place.
2) Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1) We never talk anymore.
8 things you'll never hear a woman say :
8.) What do you mean today's our anniversary?
7) Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
6) Ohh, this diamond is way to big!
5) Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends'
4) Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
3) Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
2) I don't care if it's on sale, 300 dollars is way to much for a designer dress.
and my favorite...
1) Hey, pull my finger! ;D ;D ;D
Brad walks into Ringos hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour.
Ringo recommends the top of the line model. Brad is suitably impressed, and buys it.
The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY!
Ringo takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the Brad says, "What's that noise?"... ::)
01.If all the nations in the world are in debt(i am not joking. Even US has got debts), where did all the money go? (weird).
02.When dog food is new with improved tasting, who tests it? (to be given a thought).
03.What is the speed of darkness? (absurd).
04.If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? (very good thinking).
05.Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? (who knows).
06.Can you cry under water? (let me try).
07.Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day? (I think they meant something else).
08.Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed? (God knows.)
09.Do fish ever get thirsty? (let me ask and tell).
10.Can you get cornered in a round room? (by ones eyes).
11.What does OK actually mean?.
12.Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep? (tonight I will stay and watch).
13.What came first, the fruit or the color orange? (seed).
14.What should one call a male ladybird? (No comments).
15.If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot? (can somebody help).
16.Can you blow a balloon up under water? (yes you can).
17.Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? (strange isn't it).
18.If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be able to hear it? (got to think scientifically).
19.If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens? (I didn't had a chance to try).
20.Why is it called a TV set when theres only one? (very nice).
21.If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth? (this is nice?).
22.Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road? (stupid, break the law).
Awful jokes for you to use today
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.
:)
I was telling a friend about an ancient tale to bring wealth, health and happiness to your family and I told him I had been doing it.
I told him I got a blood orange and a red apple, I had to soak them overnight in a pot with some hair or a nail from the members of my family.
In the morning, and this bit is critical, you have to put the apple and the orange into specific places. So I put the apple in a shoe but it had be a right shoe.
He said "wow that's an interesting story, what's the origin?"
I said, 'it's in a sock next to the apple'
:o ;D ::)
Quote from: T Dog on May 21, 2014, 08:14:58 PM
21.If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth? (this is nice?).
Ha, I can actually answer this one, because it came up in an Issues Investigation I did last term. :P In Australia no your don't, the government does, however in the US you do, which is why there are people that are getting richer by allowing companies to drill for shale gas underneath their property. :)
Quote from: PowerBug on May 25, 2014, 11:24:15 PM
Quote from: T Dog on May 21, 2014, 08:14:58 PM
22.Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road? (stupid, break the law).
Ha, I can actually answer this one, because it came up in an Issues Investigation I did last term. :P In Australia no your don't, the government does, however in the US you do, which is why there are people that are getting richer by allowing companies to drill for shale gas underneath their property. :)
Think you quoted the wrong one :P
Quote from: Honey Badger on May 25, 2014, 11:30:38 PM
Quote from: PowerBug on May 25, 2014, 11:24:15 PM
Quote from: T Dog on May 21, 2014, 08:14:58 PM
22.Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road? (stupid, break the law).
Ha, I can actually answer this one, because it came up in an Issues Investigation I did last term. :P In Australia no your don't, the government does, however in the US you do, which is why there are people that are getting richer by allowing companies to drill for shale gas underneath their property. :)
Think you quoted the wrong one :P
I think I did too :-[ Better go fix that up.
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to mechanicwhen the mileage reaches 5000 kms since the last oil change.. 2) Drink a cup of coffee 3) 45 minutes later, pay the man and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent: Oil Change: $75.00 Coffee: $4.00 Total: $79.00 8)
Oil Change instructions for Men :
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, pay $80.00. 2) Stop by pub and buy a slab of beer, pay $40, drive home. 3) Open a beer and drink it. 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7) Place drain pan under engine. 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9) Give up and use crescent wrench. 10) Unscrew drain plug. 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.. 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.Throw kitty litter on spilled oil. 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain. 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench. 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off. 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer. 17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. 18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 19) Remember drain plug from step 11. 20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 21) Drink beer. 22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill. 23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer. 24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame. 25) Begin swearing fit. 26) Throw stupid crescent wrench. 27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit footy trophy. 28) Beer. 29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow. 30) Beer. 31) Dump in five fresh litres of oil. 32) Beer. 33) Lower car from jack stands.. 34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps. 35) Beer. 36) Test drive car. 37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence. 38) Car gets impounded. 39) Call loving wife, make bail. 40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent: Parts: $125.00 DUI: $2500.00 Impound fee: $375.00 Bail: $1500.00 Beer: $40.00 Total: $4,590.00 But you made sure it was done right. ;D
OH, are we doing GIF's?? ;D
(http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m9e0pqwbry1r3gb3zo1_400.gif)
Maybe :P I just found mine earlier today and I couldn't stop laughing at it lol
Bloke one : I`m getting fed up of my dog, it`ll chase anyone on a bike.
Bloke Two : What are you gonna do? Give it away? have it put down?
Bloke one : Nah - I`ll just get rid of his bike!
8)
Once upon a time there lived three men: a doctor, a chemist, and an engineer. For some reason all three offended the king and were sentenced to die on the same day.
The day of the execution arrived, and the doctor was led up to the guillotine. As he strapped the doctor to the guillotine, the executioner asked,
"Head up or head down?"
"Head up," said the doctor.
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
"No blindfold."
So the executioner raised the axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! down came the blade to cut the doctor's neck--and it suddenly stopped on its own, barely an inch above the doctor's neck. Well, the law stated that if an execution didn't succeed the first time, the prisoner had to be released, so the doctor was set free.
Then the chemist was led up to the guillotine.
"Head up or head down?" said the executioner.
"Head up."
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
"No blindfold."
So the executioner raised his axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! down came the blade--and again it stopped an inch above the chemist's neck.Well, the law stated that if the execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the chemist was set free.
Finally the engineer was led up to the guillotine.
"Head up or head down?"
"Head up."
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
"No blindfold."
So the executioner raised his axe, but before he could cut the rope, the engineer yelled out:
"WAIT! I see what the problem is!".
::)
This guy had a very attractive wife who was always wanting clothes, jewelry, etc., but he was not too well off. One day his wife came home with a diamond neckless. The guy asked: "Where did you get that?"
His wife replied: "I won it at bingo"
The next night she came home with a mink coat. The guy asked: "Where did you get that?"
His wife replied: "I won it at bingo."
The next night she came home with a Mercedes Benz. The guy asked: "Where did you get that?"
His wife replied: "Look!! Don't keep asking where I get my things!! Go upstairs and run my bath for me!!"
His wife came upstairs to find a small amount of water in the tub. The wife asked: "How come you put so little water in the tub?" The guy replied: "I didn't want to wet your bingo card" 8)
Quote from: Purple 77 on May 26, 2014, 05:30:38 PM
Quote from: T Dog on May 16, 2014, 01:27:39 PM
Little Timmy began crossing the street to his girl friend's house. Out of nowhere a truck ran him over, killing him.
THE END
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
(http://s3-ec.buzzfed.com/static/2014-03/enhanced/webdr02/1/9/anigif_enhanced-23265-1393684085-4.gif)
My lord that would hurt so much
"I almost had a Psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met"..... Steven Wright. ;D
What is it called when Batman skips church?
Christian Bale! 8)
A local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. "OK," the sheriff drawled, "What is one and one?" "Eleven," she replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." Then the sheriff asked, "What two days of the week start with the letter T?" "Today and tomorrow," replied the blonde. He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?" asked the sheriff. The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." The sheriff replied, "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!" :o
Geelong as premiership contenders
Quote from: Ringo on May 30, 2014, 03:09:51 PM
Geelong as premiership contenders
A Brisbane fan making jokes about another team
Quote from: Honey Badger on May 30, 2014, 04:19:43 PM
Quote from: Ringo on May 30, 2014, 03:09:51 PM
Geelong as premiership contenders
A Brisbane fan making jokes about another team
You can't talk either, you lost to Melbourne ;)
Quote from: GoLions16 on May 30, 2014, 05:01:46 PM
Quote from: Honey Badger on May 30, 2014, 04:19:43 PM
Quote from: Ringo on May 30, 2014, 03:09:51 PM
Geelong as premiership contenders
A Brisbane fan making jokes about another team
You can't talk either, you lost to Melbourne ;)
That's irrelevant. Just stating it's funny that a supporter of the worst performing team this year is making jokes about another team
Quote from: Honey Badger on May 30, 2014, 05:20:23 PM
Quote from: GoLions16 on May 30, 2014, 05:01:46 PM
Quote from: Honey Badger on May 30, 2014, 04:19:43 PM
Quote from: Ringo on May 30, 2014, 03:09:51 PM
Geelong as premiership contenders
A Brisbane fan making jokes about another team
You can't talk either, you lost to Melbourne ;)
That's irrelevant. Just stating it's funny that a supporter of the worst performing team this year is making jokes about another team
I think most bottom 8 teams would have lost at least 6 games if they had the same draw we had
Quote from: Honey Badger on May 30, 2014, 04:19:43 PM
Quote from: Ringo on May 30, 2014, 03:09:51 PM
Geelong as premiership contenders
A Brisbane fan making jokes about another team
That was pretty damn funny
Quote from: GoLions16 on May 30, 2014, 05:01:46 PM
Quote from: Honey Badger on May 30, 2014, 04:19:43 PM
Quote from: Ringo on May 30, 2014, 03:09:51 PM
Geelong as premiership contenders
A Brisbane fan making jokes about another team
You can't talk either, you lost to Melbourne ;)
But this will keep the smile on my face :D
3 drunk guys got into a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him $50 & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Watch your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"
8)
Back on subject.
A newly wed male takes his bride to their first night classy hotel destination.
He just stands there watching out the window.
After a while his new bride in her sexy negligee outfit says aren't you coming to bed yet?
The newly weed bloke says My Mum siad this will be the best night of your life so I am looking out as I do not want to miss anything?
A limerick
There was a young girl from Rabat,
who had triplets, Nat, Pat and Tat;
It was fun in the breeding,
But hell in the feeding,
When she found she had no tit for Tat. 8)
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..." The man sighs and says, "It's started ..." :o
I just wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it's more of a wrap. ;D
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock," the man replied. "How's it work?"
"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"
8)
Once there was a family of skunks who lived in a hollow tree. There were two baby skunks. Their names were In and Out.
Now whenever In went out, Out came in, and whenever Out went out, In came in. If In happened to be in and wanted to go out, he would not go out until Out came in. And if Out happened to be in, and wanted to go out, he would not go out until In came in.
One day a big storm blew up, and the mother and father skunks were worried about their children. So they quickly looked around to see whether In was in and Out was out or if Out was in and In was out. Out happened to be in right then. The mother skunk said to Out, "Out, go out and bring In in, please. I'm worried about him."
Out said, "Sure thing, Mama." So Out went out, and for the very first time Out and In were out at the same time. Just a minute or two later Out came back in, and In came in behind him. For the first time in a long time In and Out were in at the same time.
The mother skunk was amazed. "Out, how did you find your brother so quickly?" she asked.
"Oh, Mama, it was easy," Out said. "In stinked!"
;D
If you need a hint, that's instinct.
Quote from: T Dog on June 06, 2014, 10:41:43 AM
Once there was a family of skunks who lived in a hollow tree. There were two baby skunks. Their names were In and Out.
Now whenever In went out, Out came in, and whenever Out went out, In came in. If In happened to be in and wanted to go out, he would not go out until Out came in. And if Out happened to be in, and wanted to go out, he would not go out until In came in.
One day a big storm blew up, and the mother and father skunks were worried about their children. So they quickly looked around to see whether In was in and Out was out or if Out was in and In was out. Out happened to be in right then. The mother skunk said to Out, "Out, go out and bring In in, please. I'm worried about him."
Out said, "Sure thing, Mama." So Out went out, and for the very first time Out and In were out at the same time. Just a minute or two later Out came back in, and In came in behind him. For the first time in a long time In and Out were in at the same time.
The mother skunk was amazed. "Out, how did you find your brother so quickly?" she asked.
"Oh, Mama, it was easy," Out said. "In stinked!"
;D
If you need a hint, that's instinct.
I won't lie I did need the hint lol. Not bad.
A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs.
The waiter, suspecting that they've run out, goes back to question the chef.
"Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?"
Gus replies, "I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left."
The waiter says, "Give him the rotten eggs. He's so bombed he won't know the difference."
Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and toast.
The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment.
He goes to pay the cashier and asks, "Where'd you get those eggs?"
She replies, "We have our own chicken farm."
The drunk asks, "Do you have a rooster?
"No," she says.
The drunk replies, "Well, you'd better get one, because some skunk is screwing your chickens."
A guy is walking down the street and he sees his friend with a black eye. He asks him what happened.
His friends says, "Well I was in church and..."
The man interrupts "Church! How do you get hurt in church?"
The friend continues, "Well I was sitting behind this woman Angelina, and after a while what with all the standing, sitting and kneeling, I noticed she had developed a wegie. Now me being a nice guy, I pulled it out for her. She turned around "WHACK" "
The man says "I cant believe you did that", and continues walking.
A week later he sees his friend again and he has another black eye. He asks him what happened this time and his friend responds, "Well I was in church again..."
The man interrupts "CHURCH AGAIN? How do you keep getting hurt in church?!"
The friend explains, "Well, I was sitting behind Angelina again and..."
"Don't tell me you did it again"
"I did not, after all of the standing, sitting, and kneeling, I noticed the wegie again..."
"If you pulled it out again..."
"I did not pull it out. This time he husband was with her an he pulled it out for her. Now, I know she doesn't like that, so I pushed it back in." ::)
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and
informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son
is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can,
with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad
takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad
orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons
looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the
boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.
The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant
"Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pops out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink
again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores
the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches
down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully
thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left....
then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where
a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he
was still a head."
8)
The Vain Person:
One who loves the smell of his own farts.
The Amiable Person:
One who loves the smell of other people's farts.
The Proud Person:
One who thinks his farts are exceptionable fine.
The Shy Person:
One who releases silent farts then blushes.
The Imprudent Person:
One who boldly farts out loud, and then laughs.
The Unfortunate Person:
One who tries hard to fart, but showers instead.
The Scientific Person:
One who farts frequently, but is truly concerned for the environment.
The Nervous Person:
One who stops in the middle of a fart.
The Honest Person:
One who admitted he farted, but offers a good medical reason.
The Dishonest Person:
One who farts but blames the dog.
The Foolish Person:
One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.
The Thrifty Person:
One who always has several farts in reserve.
The Anti-Social Person:
One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.
The Strategic Person:
One who conceals his farts with loud coughing.
The Sadistic Person:
One who farts in bed and then fluffs the covers over his bedmate.
The Intelligent Person:
One who can determine from the smell of his neighbour's fart, precisely the latest food items consumed :-[
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race. The starter's gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out. 20 minutes later the blonde reaches the end and gets out. The judge says, "The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal goes to the redhead, and the bronze goes to the blonde." The blonde says, "I don't want to be a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their arms." 8)
Not really a joke a true story and hilarious:
You need to listen to the audio.
http://blogs.abc.net.au/queensland/2010/04/harry-cant-stand-it.html
Was brought up after the story from Sir Jack Brabman's State funeral yesterday. @ magnets to ease the Prostrate cancer so use your imagination.
Like any other morning, John was riding the bus to work.
Today, however, there was a woman sitting on the seat across from him.
This wouldn't be odd, but this woman was acting a bit strange.
Every thirty seconds or so, she sneezed, and then she shivered and let out a little moaning sound.
John, thinking that the woman might be sick, asked if she was alright.
"I'm sorry if the noises I were making were bothering you," she said. "I have a condition that makes me orgasm whenever I sneeze."
"No, it wasn't bothering me, I was just worried that you weren't alright," John said. "Do you take anything to help with your condition?"
"Yes, actually," she said. "Pepper."
Quote from: T Dog on June 11, 2014, 10:05:39 AM
The Vain Person:
One who loves the smell of his own farts.
The Amiable Person:
One who loves the smell of other people's farts.
The Proud Person:
One who thinks his farts are exceptionable fine.
The Shy Person:
One who releases silent farts then blushes.
The Imprudent Person:
One who boldly farts out loud, and then laughs.
The Unfortunate Person:
One who tries hard to fart, but showers instead.
The Scientific Person:
One who farts frequently, but is truly concerned for the environment.
The Nervous Person:
One who stops in the middle of a fart.
The Honest Person:
One who admitted he farted, but offers a good medical reason.
The Dishonest Person:
One who farts but blames the dog.
The Foolish Person:
One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.
The Thrifty Person:
One who always has several farts in reserve.
The Anti-Social Person:
One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.
The Strategic Person:
One who conceals his farts with loud coughing.
The Sadistic Person:
One who farts in bed and then fluffs the covers over his bedmate.
The Intelligent Person:
One who can determine from the smell of his neighbour's fart, precisely the latest food items consumed :-[
All of the above are we T Dog? :P
Yep...put me down as a...Proud, Imprudent, Dishonest, Thrifty type farter.. :o
Quote from: GoLions16 on June 12, 2014, 04:22:32 PM
Like any other morning, John was riding the bus to work.
Today, however, there was a woman sitting on the seat across from him.
This wouldn't be odd, but this woman was acting a bit strange.
Every thirty seconds or so, she sneezed, and then she shivered and let out a little moaning sound.
John, thinking that the woman might be sick, asked if she was alright.
"I'm sorry if the noises I were making were bothering you," she said. "I have a condition that makes me orgasm whenever I sneeze."
"No, it wasn't bothering me, I was just worried that you weren't alright," John said. "Do you take anything to help with your condition?"
"Yes, actually," she said. "Pepper."
Found myself chuckling at this one :P
1. A little brown paper bag goes to the doctor and says,
Quote from: T Dog on June 13, 2014, 12:30:49 PM
1. A little brown paper bag goes to the doctor and says,
The suspense is killing me
Quote from: Big Mac on June 13, 2014, 07:14:05 PM
Quote from: T Dog on June 13, 2014, 12:30:49 PM
1. A little brown paper bag goes to the doctor and says,
The suspense is killing me
The doctor then says "I've got an ointment for that"
#teamjoke
Quote from: T Dog on June 12, 2014, 08:17:12 PM
Yep...put me down as a...Proud, Imprudent, Dishonest, Thrifty type farter.. :o
With a name like T Dog, I expected you to be the dishonest one. :P
"I was going to enter the nude swimming race but could not find my swimming togs."
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen maskover his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficultsurgery. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial spongebath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testiclesblack?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'monly here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to askagain, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevatehis vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes herembarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises hisgown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. Shetakes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, veryclosely... A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?" 8)
Raul, Ronaldo and Beckham were all at Real Madrid's canteen. They were eating lunch and Raul said; "Tapas again! If I get tapas one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off the top of the stadium."
Ronaldo opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
Beckham opened his lunch and said, "Ham & Cheese again. If I get a Ham & Cheese sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day Raul opened his lunch box, saw Tapas and jumped to his death
Ronaldo opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.
Beckham opened his lunch, saw the Ham & Cheese and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral Raul's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of Tapas I never would have given it to him again!"
Ronaldo's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the skinny, arseless bint wearing oversized sun glasses and chav baseball cap.
"Hey, don't look at me," said Posh, "David makes his own lunch."
8)
Gettin old....
An old fellow was sitting on a train across from a blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.
Despite his efforts, he was unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realized she was wearing no panties.
She saw him staring and inquired, "Are you looking at my vagina?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," he replied and promised to avert his eyes.
"It's quite all right," she replied, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."
Sure enough the vagina blew him a kiss.
The old man was completely astounded and inquired what else it could do.
"I can also make it wink," she replied. The old man stared in amazement as the vagina winked at him.
"Come and sit next to me," she said, patting the seat. He moved over and she asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, he asked, "You're kidding me, you mean it can whistle, too?"
It's tough gettin old ain't it buddy!
This joke is more directed at Doc, and anyone else who can appreciate a grand medical joke ;)
A man asks a doctor "what kind of work do you do?" The doctor replies "oh, I work with kidneys." The man then says "so do you work in nephrology or paediatric orthopaedics?"
:-X
hehe, i get it
A little brown paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors. "Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag
."Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."
The little brown paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results."What's wrong with me?" asked the little brown paper bag.
"I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor."
No, I can't be I'm just a little brown paper bag!" said the little paper bag.
"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little brown paper bag!"
"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor."NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little brown paper bag!"
"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor."NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little brown paper bag!"
"Well," said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"
"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just little paper bag!"
"Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor. "Your mother must have been a carrier." ::)
Quote from: tor01doc on June 18, 2014, 06:51:23 PM
Quote from: GoLions16 on June 17, 2014, 11:41:18 PM
hehe, i get it
When do you start med school?
Well, I've already watched every episode of Scrubs at least 3 times each, so I'd say I'm more than qualified to go into the medical workplace now
Quote from: GoLions16 on June 18, 2014, 07:03:15 PM
Quote from: tor01doc on June 18, 2014, 06:51:23 PM
Quote from: GoLions16 on June 17, 2014, 11:41:18 PM
hehe, i get it
When do you start med school?
Well, I've already watched every episode of Scrubs at least 3 times each, so I'd say I'm more than qualified to go into the medical workplace now
Oh you young things.
I did my training in Korea - 4077 M*A*S*H.
Quote from: tor01doc on June 18, 2014, 07:37:18 PM
Quote from: GoLions16 on June 18, 2014, 07:03:15 PM
Quote from: tor01doc on June 18, 2014, 06:51:23 PM
Quote from: GoLions16 on June 17, 2014, 11:41:18 PM
hehe, i get it
When do you start med school?
Well, I've already watched every episode of Scrubs at least 3 times each, so I'd say I'm more than qualified to go into the medical workplace now
Oh you young things.
I did my training in Korea - 4077 M*A*S*H.
Frank Frank...is it really you?...have you forgotten me already? :'(
The Australian team visited an orphanage in Brazil today. "It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope" said Jose, age 6.
Quote from: FactHunt on June 19, 2014, 10:12:17 AM
The Australian team visited an orphanage in Brazil today. "It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope" said Jose, age 6.
That is gold (your name) - oh, and so is the joke. ;D
Quote from: tor01doc on June 19, 2014, 07:07:44 PM
Quote from: FactHunt on June 19, 2014, 10:12:17 AM
The Australian team visited an orphanage in Brazil today. "It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope" said Jose, age 6.
That is gold (your name) - oh, and so is the joke. ;D
I aim to please, although my aim is not always pleasing...
Brad and tor01doc came to heaven's gate at the same time.
St. Peter stood at the gate with instuctions for the two: ''You cannot enter the gates of heaven until you can make up a poem and recite it to me using the word 'Timbuktu' in it.''
Brad stepped up and recited a beautiful poem from a song he knew and was let in the gates.
tor01doc stepped up and St. Peter said, ''Now, what is your poem?''
tor01doc paused and scratched. ''Oh! I got it,'' he said ,
here it goes. . .
"Me and Tim a huntin' went,
Met three maidens in a tent,
They was three and we was two,
So I bucked one and Tim bucked two.''
8)
Jury still deliberating on whether he gets in.. ::)
Act your age T Dog.
T Dog and a FactHunt sitting in a tree
Kay Eye Ess Ess Eye Enn Gee :P
Quote from: FactHunt on June 19, 2014, 07:18:46 PM
Quote from: tor01doc on June 19, 2014, 07:07:44 PM
Quote from: FactHunt on June 19, 2014, 10:12:17 AM
The Australian team visited an orphanage in Brazil today. "It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope" said Jose, age 6.
That is gold (your name) - oh, and so is the joke. ;D
I aim to please, although my aim is not always pleasing...
wow haha
Quote from: FactHunt on June 19, 2014, 10:12:17 AM
The Australian team visited an orphanage in Brazil today. "It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope" said Jose, age 6.
Nice
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher. Huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side!
She turns to him, invitingly... they kiss...
After she has this intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, and they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it for you?" The guy yawns: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
;D
One day, a man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. The man orders a beer, and so does the ostrich. The cat orders half a pint, and refuses to tip the bartender. The bartender tells them their bill is $10.78. The man reaches into his pocket and gets exactly $10.78.
The next day, the man, the ostrich and the cat go back to the bar. They order the same thing as the day before, and again the cat is really rude to the bartender and won't tip him. The bartender tells them that their bill is $10.78. The man reaches into his pocket and gets exactly $10.78.
The next day, the man, the ostrich and the cat go back into the bar. This time the man and the ostrich order a double scotch. The cat orders a scotch and is rude to the bartender. The bartender smiles to himself, knowing that there is no chance the man will get the exact amount of money, and he's getting pissed at the cheapskate cat.
He tells the man that their bill is $15.63. The man reaches into his pocket and gets the exact change! The bartender is astonished. He asks the man how he always gets the right amount of change.
The man tells him, "Well, one day I came across a lamp. I rubbed it and a genie came out. He told me I could have any three wishes I wanted. My first wish was that I could reach into my pocket and get the exact change of anything I was buying."
"Very smart," said the bartender.
"My second wish was to have a high tolerance for alcohol."
"Good choice!" the bartender exclaimed. "What was your third wish?"
"Well, that wasn't too bright on my part. I wished for a chick with long legs and a tight person."
8)
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now."
Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."
When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began. The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."
Signs i wish i had seen....
Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!"
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
::)
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rdgrade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last six questions wrong... "
A tribe in the Amazon rain forest is thought to be responsible for a viscous cannibalistic attack on a group of World Cup supporters yesterday while they were hiking. Police have issued a statement warning people to be on the look out for a man with goofy teeth, short black hair and wearing a Uruguay football shirt.
;D
Quote from: T Dog on June 27, 2014, 10:57:41 AM
A tribe in the Amazon rain forest is thought to be responsible for a viscous cannibalistic attack on a group of World Cup supporters yesterday while they were hiking. Police have issued a statement warning people to be on the look out for a man with goofy teeth, short black hair and wearing a Uruguay football shirt.
;D
Haha... too soon?!?
Two dogs are walking along a street. They are passed by a third dog driving a lorry load of logs.
One turns to the other and says:..." He started fetching a stick and built up the business from there." ???
Got a number of jokes here, so I'll put them in the one post and separate them with that line thingo.
And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life"
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom.
First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.
A vulture boards a plane carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess says, "I'm sorry, but we only allow each passenger one carrion."
http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/can-you-understand-these-knee-slappers?bffb (http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/can-you-understand-these-knee-slappers?bffb)
Didn't understand 3 of them, but the rest were great ;)
Quote from: Honey Badger on July 01, 2014, 11:14:38 AM
http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/can-you-understand-these-knee-slappers?bffb (http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/can-you-understand-these-knee-slappers?bffb)
Didn't understand 3 of them, but the rest were great ;)
Understood more than half 8)
...11/21
yeah I got about half of them, the maths-science ones mostly. 7, 18 and 20 my favourites.
The ones I didn't fully get were 3, 4, and 13.
Personally I think 1 and 2 are great, 12 and 15 also good :)
Oh yeah number 12. That's a good one. I'm a chemist, personally.
Quote from: Honey Badger on July 01, 2014, 08:39:04 PM
The ones I didn't fully get were 3, 4, and 13.
Personally I think 1 and 2 are great, 12 and 15 also good :)
3 - In Latin, a word that ends in -us usually changes to its equivalent ending in -i when made plural.
Martini is therefore plural of Martinus - a play on words.
4 - Descartes was famous for postulating (incorrectly in my opinion*) that, 'I think, therefore I am.'
So when he says 'I think not' - he no longer exists and disappears.
* - I believe 'I am, therefore I think.' And it is just that thinking that makes our lives so problematic.
13 - one is somebody who studies the origin / meaning of words. The other studies insects.
Now somebody explain number 8 for me please. ???
Cheers doc, never studied Latin so didn't get the Roman one, and I didn't associate Descartes with that quote.
8 basically is referring to an infinite sum where in this case the it is f(x)=1/2^x, each mathematician is assigned an increasing number for x. Basically although the sum will be infinite because there is infinite people you can say that the sum is approaching 2.
The bartender not wanting to pour infinite beers sees this pattern and pours 2 beers. Telling the infinite mathematicians that they should know their own limits and can figure it out themselves.
Does that help?
Quote from: Honey Badger on July 01, 2014, 11:17:51 PM
Cheers doc, never studied Latin so didn't get the Roman one, and I didn't associate Descartes with that quote.
8 basically is referring to an infinite sum where in this case the it is f(x)=1/2^x, each mathematician is assigned an increasing number for x. Basically although the sum will be infinite because there is infinite people you can say that the sum is approaching 2.
The bartender not wanting to pour infinite beers sees this pattern and pours 2 beers. Telling the infinite mathematicians that they should know their own limits and can figure it out themselves.
Does that help?
Yes but it just makes me thirsty.
Cheers.
Things To Think About ???
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
8)
Quote from: T Dog on July 02, 2014, 10:23:51 AM
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/t1.0-9/10479075_867760409911638_8199345893797374141_n.jpg)
Sorry, just annoys me when people actually use that as an argument against evolution.
One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orang-utan was reading two books - the Bible and Darwin's The Origin of Species.
In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"?
"Well," said the orang-utang, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
8)
A blonde is missing for three days. Her husband is very worried and searches for her everywhere, calls the cops, but nothing turns up. On the third day the blonde shows up at home and her husband opens his eyes widely and looks at her in disbelief. He starts talking to her:
- Where have you been!? We've been looking everywhere for you!
- I was kidnapped, and they kept me for a week!
- Wait, you've only gone for three days!
- I know silly, but I have to go back for another four!
;D
"A Farewell to Arms" is Ernest Hemingway's novel about an American soldier in Italy during World War I. He falls in love with a nurse in the hospital, decides to go AWOL, and rows all night with her in a boat from Italy to Switzerland to evade the authorities.
His girl friend was sitting in the stern of the boat, and he was rowing in the middle. At one point he said, "Cath, I love you."
She said, "Pardon?"
He said, "I said I love you."
She still didn't hear him, so he removed an oar from the lock, moved up to the stern, resumed steering the boat from that position, and said again, "I love you."
She said, "I love you too, but why are you standing there sculling when you can do so much better rowing where you were?"
He said, "You are undoubtedly right: I just sculled to say I love you."
Does anyone remember the line from 'The Sound of Music' when the Mother Superior asks Maria about what is bothering her?
'What is it, you can'tface, Maria?'
I saw a chap with a bumper sticker saying: "I am a veterinary surgeon, therefore I drive like an animal."
Suddenly I realised how many gynaecologists and proctologists there are on the roads.
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry..
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass..
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place..'
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Feck dat.
Dis budgie jumping is too feck'n dangerous for me!'
THERE'S MORE. ...
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other..
'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'
IT IS NOT OVER YET....
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head. 'Feck dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting.... And now Sean and his feck'n hengliding!'
Did ya know diarrhea is hereditary? It runs in your jeans! ???
We did sex education at school, and were shown various films on the subject, one I especially remember was the 'how to put on a condom' So when the time came, and I was in the position to try out what i learned at school, I took the condom and followed the instructions from the video. All was going well, when she said 'So, now what do we do with the banana ??'
:o
Six Truths in Life
1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, a physical impossibility due to the tendons within your neck .
2. All idiots, after reading 1. will try it.
3. And discover #1 is a lie.
4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.
5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.
6. There is still a stupid smile on your face .
;D
Guess I'm not an idiot :P
Quote from: Honey Badger on July 08, 2014, 06:49:53 PM
Guess I'm not an idiot :P
Did you still have a stupid smile on your face at the end knowing others would try it?
Quote from: NigeyS on July 08, 2014, 07:00:14 PM
Quote from: Honey Badger on July 08, 2014, 06:49:53 PM
Guess I'm not an idiot :P
Did you still have a stupid smile on your face at the end knowing others would try it?
I don't know this word. What is "smile"?
Quote from: Honey Badger on July 08, 2014, 07:06:19 PM
Quote from: NigeyS on July 08, 2014, 07:00:14 PM
Quote from: Honey Badger on July 08, 2014, 06:49:53 PM
Guess I'm not an idiot :P
Did you still have a stupid smile on your face at the end knowing others would try it?
I don't know this word. What is "smile"?
Thought so, party pooper. :) :o :P
Yep i am an idiot. :(
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish." 8)
I used to drink all brands of beer. Now, I am older Budweiser!
;D
A few "dad jokes" for you to use over the weekend.. ;D
Two aerials met on a roof. They fell in love and got married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant
Why was the mortgage so upset? Because it was a loan
Why was the horse so happy? Because he lived in a stable environment
Do you want to hear two short jokes and a long joke? Joke, joke, jooooooooooooke.
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Philoppe
Did you hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
I have a gravel path in my garden while my neighbour's is concrete. I think mine wins on aggregate.
Why was the writer in agony? Because the sub-editor had removed his colon.
Confucius he say: 'man who seduces virgin on hillside, not on the level'.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: 5 beers please
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the barman gave her one
Met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs
They say being a hostage is difficult - but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
8)
A woman is shopping at a grocery store. She picks up a half gallon of skim milk, 2 loaves of wheat bread, one dozen organic eggs, and some carrots. She goes to the checkout line.
"You must be single." the clerk says.
Amazed at the flattering insight of the clerk, the woman says, "Yes I am. How could you tell?".
"Because you're ugly".
:)
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A lickalottapus.
Lol
I tried making a password "brazildefence" but the site said its too weak :-[
A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"
So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his horror, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"
Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts." :o
Quote from: nrich102 on July 13, 2014, 01:14:58 PM
I tried making a password "brazildefence" but the site said its too weak :-[
Yes. That is funny.
Quote from: nrich102 on July 13, 2014, 01:14:58 PM
I tried making a password "brazildefence" but the site said its too weak :-[
V good
Philippe Philoppe - that cracked me up.
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What's your name?" he asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "
Hours after the end of the world, a border dispute emerges between heaven and hell. The devil proposes to God a soccer game between heaven and earth.
God says, "The game would be so one-sided. Don't you know all the good players go to heaven?"
The devil, smiling, responds, "Yeah, but we've got all the refs." 8)
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well... are you religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ? "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist" "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.
::)
French Navy motto; A l'eau; c'est l'heure. :o
......An Inspector Clouseau accent may help. ::)
I spent a bit trying to convert that to French, then realized "the water, is the hour" didn't really make sense. :P I should read the whole thing first, last line told me to read the thing aloud. ;D Good one TDog.
Quote from: PowerBug on July 15, 2014, 10:38:19 PM
I spent a bit trying to convert that to French, then realized "the water, is the hour" didn't really make sense. :P I should read the whole thing first, last line told me to read the thing aloud. ;D Good one TDog.
thanks PB.. ;)
Obviously written by some male chauvinist - hope you can 'handle it'?
NICKNAMES: If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than half of these items.
ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing! 8)
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.
On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail".
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."
The third convict, a blonde man, was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked - "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said - "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating ..." :o
Two blondes and a brunette are trapped on an island. The first blonde swims from the island to the mainland. The second blonde builds a boat from palm trees and rows to the mainland. The brunette, however, uses the bridge.
Q: What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A: A dog that won't do as she's told
Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em, I've stewed 'em, I've barbequed 'em, I've even tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."
The second cannibal asks, "What kind of missionary do you use?"
The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and their sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."
"Ah ha!" he replies. "No wonder.. those are friars!"
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
8)
Degrees Of Blondeness
1st DEGREE:
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror, and says, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
2nd DEGREE:
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
3rd DEGREE:
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh that's easy: W."
4th DEGREE:
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"
5th DEGREE:
Returning home from work, a blonde was astonished to see that she had been robbed. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,"I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!
Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road. "I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine."
"No," said Fred, "I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."
"The 'here after' routine? What's that?", she wanted to know.
"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone!"
My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse.
Then she told me to take off her skirt. Then she told me never to wear her clothes again.
:-\
A man goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.' The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.
The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?' and the doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.'
;D
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size." The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.
>:(
Say what you want about deaf people.
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He's now a seasoned veteran.
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
"This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING."
Jurisprudence fetishist gets off on technicality
Standard deviation no longer enough for perverted statistician.
If life gives you melons, you're probably dyslexic.
6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't Happy.
I hate Russian dolls...so full of themselves
What's the difference between inlaws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
Shout out to the people who want to know what the opposite of in is
What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste
When my wife said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.
And then I saw her face.
My girlfriend told me to stop making linkin park references. But in the end, it didn't even matter.
It takes a lot of balls to golf like me.
8)
As soon as she had finished secondaryschool, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business. Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"
;D
(http://roflnlol.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/natural-selection.gif)
Jeselnik:
What is the number one cause of peadophilia?
Sexy kids
so wrong dude
Q: What is the difference between a secretary & private secretary?
Answer:
Secretary says GOOD MORNING SIR
&
Private secretary says ITS MORNING SIR
8)
Visited the doctor the other day to ask about my knee complaint.
After examination Doc says nothing I can do it about its just old age.
I said your'e wrong Doc that can't be true?
Doc said what you makes you say thay I have had the medical training and you haven't
I said well the other knee is the same age and there is nothing wrong with it so can't be old age.
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says:...Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....
8)
A poor old Collingwood supporter gets lost in the desert. He luckily finds and catches a stray and somewhat tame camel.
After a few weeks of staggering through the desert (finding just enough Jack Daniels to keep him hydrated) he starts getting a bit horny.
His camel, who has long eyelashes and a slightly asymmetrical yet oddly alluring smile, suddenly gets him thinking.
Initially he resists, but being slightly lacking in frontal lobe function, he decides he will anyway.
He builds a little mound behind his camel, steps up, drops his pants and just when he is about to - the camel, sensing a 'cakewalk', blushes and trots forward a few paces.
Joffa (not his real name), sighs, pulls up his male equivalent of leggings and catches up to his camel and builds another mound.
Again he climbs up, drops his strides and just when he's about to - the camel trots forward a few paces.
This goes on for quite some time. The mounds are visible from outer space and spell out the word E D D
I E.
Anyway, finally after quite a while, a beautiful Arab virgin, wearing veils and gear like Barbara Eden used to in 'I Dream of Genie' (and those of us old enough to remember know exactly what I am getting at here), walks towards our horny bogan from the Carringbush.
She tilts her head seductively to one side and asks whether she can do anything for him.
He is wrapped. Here, whilst he is horny as a rhinocerus, a beautiful maiden appears out of nowhere offering him anything.
It certainly doesn't take long for our hero to ask her the obvious question.
'Will you hold this camel still for me?'
An agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.
I'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.
I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
I had a fear of speed bumps, but I'm slowly getting over it.
A cannibal passed his brother in the woods.
;D
At the bulimic girl's birthday party, the cake jumped out of the girl.
I went on a once in a lifetime holiday.
Never again. 8)
I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger, then it hit me. :-\
Quote from: tor01doc on July 13, 2014, 08:51:25 PM
Philippe Philoppe - that cracked me up.
just for you then El Toro...
A man with two left feet buys a pair of flip flips. ;D
This is a little inappropriate rather than rude, (no nudity) and you may have seen it already but it is one of the funniest things I have seen in a while.
Cant stop watching it.
https://vine.co/v/Mbt1nZlKYAw
Don't you hate it when people answer their own questions? I do. 8)
But do you know what's worse than people who don't answer their own questions?
People who answer rhetorical questions
;D ;D
What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs.
;D
think about it.....
Driving past the grounds of the university, a professor saw a student running hard. Snarling at his heels were three huge dogs. Intent on rescue, the professor braked his Volkswagon to a halt and threw open the door. "Hurry, get in! He commanded." "Get in!" "Say, you are the greatest," the bearded youth gasped. "Most people won't offer me a lift when they see I have three dogs."
;D
Quote from: T Dog on August 01, 2014, 10:38:00 AM
Driving past the grounds of the university, a professor saw a student running hard. Snarling at his heels were three huge dogs. Intent on rescue, the professor braked his Volkswagon to a halt and threw open the door. "Hurry, get in! He commanded." "Get in!" "Say, you are the greatest," the bearded youth gasped. "Most people won't offer me a lift when they see I have three dogs."
;D
Not possible.
Academics can't afford German cars.
I told my doctor Toro Doc that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places. ;D
Today I met a girl with 12 nipples, sounds strange dozen tit. :)
How do you kill a circus?
You go for the juggler.... ;D
Chicken marches into the library, walks up to the library desk, and says: Book, book, BOOK!
The librarian hands over a a couple of slim childrens paperbacks, and watches the chicken as it leaves the library, walks across the street, through a field, and disappears down the hill.
Next day, the chicken is back. Walks right up to the librarian, drops the books on her desk, and says, Book, Book, BOOK, BOOK! The librarian hands over a few books and again watches the chicken drag them away.
The next day the chicken comes for a third time. Drops the books on the desk, and says, Book, Book, Book, BOOK!!
This time once the chicken is out the door, the librarian follows across the street, through a field, and down the hill to a small pond.
On a rock on the edge of the pond is the biggest frog the librarian has ever seen. The chicken walks up to the frog, drops the book on the ponds edge, and says, Book, Book, Book!
The frog hops over, uses the front leg to push through the pile, and says: Read it, read it, read it
::)
There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were named Emily, Maggie and Rose.
After approximately 14 hours, Emily staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, Maggie crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, Rose finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, 'I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms.'
I got my hair highlighted because I feel some strands are more important than others ;D
Im reading a book on anti-gravity, it's impossible to put down. :o
All in all.... it was a good orgy... ::)
think about it... ;D
Toro Doc...Toro Doc.. I've come out in spots like cherries on a cake. Can you help?
After a quick think Toro Doc advised.. Ah, you must have analogy.
8)
Brad:...Hey Nige can you describe yourself in three words? ...
Big Nigey:... Lazy
;D
Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked. "Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee." "Oh, that's awful!" "You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."
Life without women would be a pain in the ass. :o
What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung.
What's long, brown, and sticky? A stick.
What is brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre...
What's brown and runny? Usain Bolt
;D
Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
Course played on must be approved by the owner of the hole.
Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again!
It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.
Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played on or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played on for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.
It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a golf course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change at any time. For this reason, many players prefer to continue playing on several different courses.
8)
Quote from: T Dog on August 07, 2014, 07:50:34 PM
Brad:...Hey Nige can you describe yourself in three words? ...
Big Nigey:... Lazy
;D
Accurate! o:
The other day, my girl friends and I went to a ladies' night club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a $20 bill. She called the guy back over, licked the $20 bill, and stuck it to his other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulled out a $50 bill and called the guy over. I was worried about the way things were going, but she licked the bill and just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.
My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things were going, the guy gyrated over to me! Now everyone's attention was focused on me, and the guy was egging me on to try and top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do? I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his bum, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home. 8)
A few one liners from Robin Williams...
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
We're dealing with fundamentalists... the Amish are fundamentalists, but they don't try and hijack a carriage at needlepoint. And, if you're ever in Amish country and you see a man with his hand buried in a horse's bum, that's a mechanic. Remember that.
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're all looking to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well," said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed." The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls.
So the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents. "Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."
::)
A Friday tongue twister to work on.. ;D
I thought a thought. But the thought I thought was not the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought, I would not have thought so much.
There were two guys riding motorcycles on a windy afternoon. One of the guys was complaining because the cold air was blowing into his shirt. His buddy told him to turn his jacket around, so that the collar of the jacket would be at his neck. That way no air could get into his shirt. So that is what he did.
After riding for a while the two men came up on a curve. They were going too fast and they crashed. Witnesses called 911 and rushed to the motorcyclists aid.
When the police arrived, they were doing a report. The police asked a witness if both of the men were deceased when they got to the scene.
"No" the man replied, "The one man was still alive, but by the time we got his head turned around to where it was supposed to be, he was dead!
8)
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?
I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face.
What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus.
8)
I'm feeling pretty neutral about that one. ;)
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!" He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive Calves you have!"
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, baby."
He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the Apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, "I didn't want to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was !!!!!! ;D
I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres! So I called him a piece of horse shower. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.
One winter morning at breakfast a couple was listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." The wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10-12 inches of snow today, you will need to move your car to the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through." So the wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12-14 inches of snow today and you must park..." Then the power went off! The wife was very upset. With a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street am I supposed to park on?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, her husband said, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."
Breaking news: Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer dead at age 53. Over Barcelona today the famed reindeer was struck by a flock of birds and a 747. Eyewitness reports say that the reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane.
On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."
And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."
So God agreed (sigh).
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody. 8)
Actual Newspaper Headlines
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter [Imagine that!]
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [No, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [Now that's taking things a bit far!]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? [Not if I wipe thoroughly!]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [What a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death [No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace [I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile [You think?]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [Who would have thought!]
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge [he probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group [Weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft [That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks [Taste like chicken?]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half [Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is my favorite....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
;D
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand." ::)
Quote from: NigeyS on August 11, 2014, 03:19:59 PM
Quote from: T Dog on August 07, 2014, 07:50:34 PM
Brad:...Hey Nige can you describe yourself in three words? ...
Big Nigey:... Lazy
;D
Accurate! o:
That's absolutely classic 8)
SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY
Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'llsqueeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
What do people in China call their good quality plates?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
What do you call male ballerinas?
Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.
A guy goes into a bar and there is a robot bartender. The robot says,"What will you have?" The guy says "Martini." The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini". Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about V8 utes, Crownies and Premiership chances.
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini", and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and says, "So... you gonna cheer for the Tiges again this year?"
::)
;D
You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one! You don't even have to like 'em!
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid dog was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!
The cab driver hit a parked car. ;D
Wisdom From the Military
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
"Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club."
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, ... The pilot dies."
"Never trade luck for skill."
The three most common ex pressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...! "
"Friendly fire - isn't"
"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
8)
A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says,"Yeah. I was a salesman back in North Dakota." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and See how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One".
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.65".
The boss says, "$101,237.65?" What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said, "No the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing.'
;D ;D
6 Smartass Answers
Top 6 Smartass Answers
SMARTASS ANSWER #6 It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied.
SMARTASS ANSWER #5 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
SMARTASS ANSWER #4 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
SMARTASS ANSWER #3 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMARTASS ANSWER #2 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
SMARTASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006 A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
;D
I've been the proud head of the Ladder Appreciation Society for years, but I've finally had enough.
I'm stepping down.
8)
An old prospector
An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance, -- and just never wanted to.' A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector in order to not get a toe blown off or his boots perforated was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and everybody was laughing fit to be tied. When the last bullet had been fired the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers back. The loud, audible double clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it hard to swallow.. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands.
The old man said, 'Son, did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'
The boy bully swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'
There are two lessons for us all here: 1. Don't waste ammunition. 2. Don't mess with old people
::) Fossils rule
At a rent-a-boat company, the caller said into the microphone: boat 99, your hour is up, please head in.
An employee walks up to him and says: We only have 75 boats, there is no boat 99 sir.
The caller then said into the microphone: Boat 66, are you in trouble?
8)
You might have to think twice about this one. ;D
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip Of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency Room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting Off your finger?'
'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and Then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants...
I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 To get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
'So then?'
'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a Loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the Trigger.
A blonde, A brunette, and a red-head all died in a car crash, and they all went to heaven at the same time.
They arrive at the gates of heaven, when God appears and tells them they must pass a laughter test, if they fail, they will be sent to hell.
The objective was to climb 100 stairs without laughing. Each stair will have it's own joke.
The Brunette goes first, and laughs at the 46th stair.
The Red-Head goes second, and laughs at the 77th stair.
The Blonde, makes all the way to the 100th step, when she suddenly bursts out with laughter.
God asks "Why are you laughing now?"
The Blonde says "I just got the first joke!".
There once was a man named Nige. He was very quiet and nice and never yelled or swore.
He had a bird named Brad. Brad was very rude. He was always burping, yelling, or cursing.
One day, Nige just had enough of Brad's nonsense. So he grabbed Brad by the neck and threw him in the freezer. Nige could hear the sound of Brad kicking and screaming and cussing through the freezer door. All of a sudden, the noise stopped.
Nige thought that he hurt the bird, so he went over to his fridge and opened up his feezer. Brad hopped out onto Nigies shoulder, and looked him in the eyes.
"I am so very sorry for my terrible behavior. You are very kind to take care of me, and if you could find it in you heart to forgive me, I would appreciate it very much," Brad said.
"It's okay, Brad. I am sorry for doing that to you," said Nige.
"No harm done," Brad said.
Brad looked back at the freezer for a moment. "By the way, what did the Turkey do?" :o
I started a band called 999 Megabytes - we haven't gotten a gig yet. 8)
Quote from: Purple 77 on September 04, 2014, 06:43:01 PM
Quote from: T Dog on September 04, 2014, 08:30:53 AM
I started a band called 999 Megabytes - we haven't gotten a gig yet. 8)
Aw... that's terabyte... :P
???
1GB=1000MB
1TB=1000GB
a good pun?
To the guy who invented Zero: Thanks for nothing! :o
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I know"..he said 'Holy shower! A talking pig!'" :o
An elderlyGrazz man was staggering down the street and stopped by a police officer who asked, "Just where are you going at 1:30 in the morning?"
Grazz said, "To an alcohol lecture."
The cop asked, "Where is it and who is giving it?"
Grazz said, "It's at my house, and my wife is giving it."
You think your job sucks? Let me tell you about the people I work with.
First, there's this supermodel wanna-be chick. Ok, I'll admit, she's pretty hot, but damn she is completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on her makeup. She is extremely self centered and never considers the needs of anyone other than herself. She is dumber than a box of rocks and I find it surprising that she has enough brain power to breathe.
The next chick is exactly the opposite- she might even be one of the smartest girls on the planet. She has endless career opportunities but she's still here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I doubt she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive past the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.
But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the flowering stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. The guy is baked before he comes to work, after work, and even during work. He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last 10 years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and, to make things worse, brings his flowering giant dog to work. Every flowering day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walking around half stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald's and Burger King every single flowering day.
Anyways, I drive these wastes of space around in my van and we solve mysteries and shower.
;D
Hahahaha, that was great. Took me until the third paragraph to get it. But wow, that was accurate and hilarious. ;D
Thanks Big Nige ;D
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Four Worms and a lesson to be learned 8)
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol -Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup -Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil -Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation -
What did you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'
That pretty much ended the service -- ;D
Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.
a few puns to use today.. ;D
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)
Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Who ever invented the Knock-Knock jokes should get a No-bell prize
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type O.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
At the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"
I changed my iPhone's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
A tattoo artist has designs on his clients. 8)
Oh dear, puns will be the end of me one day :P
Love a good pun.
a few more then.. a bit more mature type;D
Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
I'm trying to think of a Miley Cyrus joke but its not twerking.
Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Cows.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.
After kissing a girl in back of the gym for several hours I said, You know, this isn't working out.
And my favorite today....No more Harry Potter jokes guys, I'm Sirius. 8)
Rules from men to women:
Men are NOT mind readers.
Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
Sunday sports . It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
If you won’t dress like the Victoria ’s Secret girls, don’t Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really .
Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
Rules from men to men:
1. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse b) After wrecking your boss' Ferrari c) When your date is using her teeth
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
6. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes
7. doging about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
8. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.)
9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
11. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see nothin'.
12. Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
13. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
14. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a) Yeah, Baby, Push it! b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c) Another set and we can hit the showers! d) Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius?
15. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
16. When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.
If you're a guy: You will laugh a little and realize how true this is!
If you're a woman: Laugh and roll your eyes at our stupidity!
My neighbor came over at 2:30 this morning and knocked on my door.
Can you believe 2:30?.
Thank god i was still awake playing my bagpipes
;D
A Hawks fan, an Eagles fan, a Bulldog fan, and a Collingwood fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves his team more. The Hawks fan insists he is the most loyal. 'This is for the Hawks! ' he yells, and jumps off the side of the mountain. Not to be outdone, the Eagles fan shouts, 'This is for the Eagles!' and throws himself off the mountain. The Bulldogs fan is next to profess his love for his team. He yells, 'This is for everyone!' and pushes the Collingwood fan off the mountain.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
I used to be a doctor, but then I lost patients.
Past, Present and Future walked into a Bar. It was tense.
What happened when the cow tried to jump over a barbed wire fence? Udder destruction.
Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing? He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
A lawyer for a church did some cross-examining.
A man noted for telling puns was locked into a dark closet, and told he would not be released until he made up a pun about the situation. He immediately shouted, "Oh, pun the door!"
;D
Frawley rumoured to be offered a 7-year contract by Freo.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
Cannibals like to meat people.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon? He was disbarred.
Did you hear about the cannibal who was late for dinner? He got the cold shoulder.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Gardeners always know the ground rules.
8)
Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder & got a little behind in his work?
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes
When they bought a water bed, the couple started to drift apart.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
I used to work for a blanket factory, but the company folded.
What kind of coat can be put on only when wet? A coat of paint.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
What musical is about a train conductor? "My Fare, Lady"
Packing up and relocating to a new home can be a moving experience.
8)
Two guys rented a boat and go fishing. They found a great spot and caught tons of fish all day. Just fish after fish.
Finally when it was getting late, one guy turns to the other and says "Wow this is the greatest fishing spot ever! We should put a big ''X'' in the bottom of the boat to mark this spot for next time."
The second guy turns to the first and says "Wait just a second. What if we don't get the same boat?"
I race snails. Had a great idea one day.
Took the shell off my fastest snail - lighter weight and all that.
Didn't seem to work - sort of made him more sluggish.
What does Mr C the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
what did the pirate do to his drowining first mate?..... C P ARRRRRRRRR
Quote from: tor01doc on September 19, 2014, 01:44:25 AM
I race snails. Had a great idea one day.
Took the shell off my fastest snail - lighter weight and all that.
Didn't seem to work - sort of made him more sluggish.
Unbelievably good!
(http://i1302.photobucket.com/albums/ag128/therings1/Poll_zpsd523adb9.png)
Not really a joke but thought this is one of the best faux paux pictures i have seen for a while from todays Scottish Referendum
Quote from: T Dog on September 19, 2014, 10:32:36 AM
what did the pirate do to his drowining first mate?..... C P ARRRRRRRRR
That joke was bad and you should feel bad
Quote from: BratPack on September 19, 2014, 08:23:53 PM
Quote from: T Dog on September 19, 2014, 10:32:36 AM
what did the pirate do to his drowining first mate?..... C P ARRRRRRRRR
That joke was bad and you should feel bad
Always nice to be noticed BratPack ;D
More Interesting Facts
'Stewardesses' is the longest word typed with only the left hand
And 'lollipop' is the longest word typed with your right hand.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
'Dreamt' is the only English word that ends in the letters 'mt'.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing..as do some other body parts to eh??.
The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog' uses every letter of the alphabet.
The words 'racecar,'and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
There are only four words in the English language which end in 'dous': tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: 'abstemious' and 'facetious.' (Yes, admit it, you are going to say, a e i o u)
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!
Rubber band last longer when refrigerated.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE 2 moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Now you know more than you did before!!
Just for Elephants.
What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
A: Sir.
Q: What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
A: Anything you want, it can't hear you.
Q: Why do elephants drink so much?
A: To try to forget.
Q: What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow,
grey, yellow, grey, yellow?
A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!
Q: Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmallow?
A: So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.
Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don't, you get down from a duck.
Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
A: Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.
Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red on the outside?
A: An inside out elephant.
Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red and white on the
outside?
A: Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup.
Q: What is grey and not there.
A: No elephants.
Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.
Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns
blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?
A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns
blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!!
Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?
Q: How does an elephant hide in the jungle?
A: He paints his balls red and sits in a cherry tree. - similar joke -
Q: Why do elephants paint their nuts red?
A: So they can hide in cherry trees.
Q: What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
A: A native eating cherries.
Q: How did Tarzan die?
A: Picking cherries.
Q: What's the fastest thing in the jungle?
A: A monkey carrying a bunch of cherries.
Q: How do you get an elephant to sit on a cherry tree?
A: Plant a seed and let the elephant stand on it.
Q: How does an elephant get down from a cherry tree?
A: It doesn't, it gets down from a duck...
Q: How do you get an elephant out of a tree?
A: Stand it on a leaf and wait 'till autumn (or wait for parachute
practice.)
Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
A: So they can jump up in trees and rape monkeys.
Q: What sound do monkeys hate most?
A: Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg....
Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.
Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.
Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It thought it was a game.
Q: And why did the tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.
Q: What's the biggest drawback of the jungle?
A: An elephant's foreskin.
Q: Heard of the wallet made of elephant foreskin?
A: When you rub it, it turns into a briefcase.
Q: How many legs does an elephant have?
A: Four, two in the front, two in the back..
Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: Chicken's day off.
Q: What was the elephant doing on the motorway?
A: About 8kph
Q: How do you know if you pass an elephant?
A: You can't get the toilet seat down.
Q: How do you get an elephant into a VW?
A: Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door..
Q: What's more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in a VW
bug?
A: Getting an elephant pregnant in a VW bug.
Q: How do you put an elephant into a fridge?
A: Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open
the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge.
Q: How do you get 4 elephants into a Volkswagon bug?
A: 2 in the front and 2 in the back
Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge?
A: Footprints in the butter.
Q: How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your fridge?
A: Two sets of footprints in the butter.
Q: How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?
A: Can't get the fridge door closed.
Q: How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?
A: There's a VW bug parked outside it.
Q: How do you get 8(!) elephants in a fridge?
A: Put four in a VW, four in another VW, put the two VW's in the
fridge. A fridge large enough to hold two elephants can surely hold
two VW's!
Q: How do you get Tarzan in the fridge?
A: Open door, get two VW's out, put Tarzan in, close door.
Q: How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge?
A: you can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO
Q: How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
A: You can't, silly. There is only one Tarzan!
Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
A: The fridge isn't not large enough to hold them all.
Q: How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?
A: Depends on the number of elephants.
Q: What did the fifth elephant in the VW bug discover?
A: The sun roof.
Q: The Lion (Animal king) gathered all the animals for a meeting, all
of them showed up except the elephants. Why?
A: They were stuck in the VW bug.
Q: How many giraffes can you fit in a VW bug?
A: None, the elephants are in there!
Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
A: Optimistic!
Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
A: Free Parking.
Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
A: Sole use of the elevator.
Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
A: Walk him and pitch to the giraffe!
Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
A: It's bike is outside.
Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
A: There is a dent in the cross-bar.
Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.
Q. Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?
A. To sneak across a pool table without being seen.
Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Bloody great holes all over Australia.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
A: Elephino.
Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.
Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?
A: So that they don't sink in the sand.
Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.
Q: How do you get 1,000 elephants into a shopping cart at Safeway.
A: To get the answer, you'd better get the 'S' out of Safe and the
'F' out of the way.
Q. What is the difference between an elephant and a blueberries?
A. They're both blue, except for the elephant.
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the
hill?
A: "Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill."
Q: What did Jane say?
A: Here come the blueberries. (Jane was color blind)
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants with sunglasses
on, coming over the hill?
A: Nothing, he didn't recognize them.
Q: How do you make a dead elephant float?
A: Well, you take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream,
5 tons of bananas,.....
Q: How do you get an elephant on top of an oak tree?
A: Stand him on an acorn and wait fifty years.
Q: What if you don't want to wait fifty years?
A: Parachute him from an airplane.
Q: Why isn't it safe to climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the
afternoon?
A: That's when the elephants are skydiving.
Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A: They climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon.
Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: From stamping out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: From stamp out flaming ducks.
Q: Why are elephants feet shaped that way?
A: To fit on lily pads.
Q: Why isn't it safe to go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the
afternoon?
A: That's when the elephants are walking on the lily pads.
Q: Why are frogs so short?
A: They go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon....
Q: Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock?
A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute
jumping.
Q: What is a furry alligator?
A: A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock.
Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A: They can't tell time.
Q: What is that stuff between elephants toes?
A: Watchless natives.
Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
A: 5 o'clock (trick question - not "Time to get a new fence..)
Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.
Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?
A: No? Well, it must work.
Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the
street wearing pink sweatshirts?
A: They're all on the same team.
Q: How do you know if there's an elephant in bed with you?
A: She has a big 'E' on her pajama jacket pocket.
Q: Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
A: Because they might let down their trunks.
Q. Why do elephants have four feet?
A. Because lady elephants have big twats.
Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
A: Sheep.
Q: Why do elephants have long trunks?
A: Because sheep don't have strings.
Q: What do elephants use for condoms?
A: Snakes.
Q: What do elephants use for vibrators?
A: Epileptic pigmies.
Q: How do you know when an elephant has its period?
A: There is a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing.
Q: What is an elephant's s*x organ?
A: His foot.... If he steps on you you're F*CKED!
Q: What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?
A: A pachydermatoligist.
Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?
A: A two-ton pickup.
Q: What did the female elephant say during s*x?
A: "Can I be on top this time?"
Q: What did the elephant say to the nude man?
A: Cute, but can you breathe through it?
Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.
Q: What do you do when you come across an elephant?
A: Wipe it off!
Q: Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants?
A: None of the offspring survived.
Q: How does the male elephant find the female elephant when she's
lying down in tall grass?
A: VERY attractive..
Q: How do you know when an elephant has been screwing in you're yard?
A: The flower beds are crushed and you are missing a garbage bag!
Q: What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?
A: Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung).
Q: What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?
A: He stamped it to death and then said "Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!".
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mountain climber?
A: Zero - a mountain climber is a scaler.
Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
A: Lots of room.
Q: What's grey and comes in quarts?
A: An elephant.
Q: What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
A: Swim for your life!!
Q: Why do elephants lay on their backs?
A: To trip low flying canaries.
Q: Why did the elephant have a yellow spot on his ass?
A: He wasn't laying on his back.
Q: Why do elephants have Big Ears?
A: Because Noddy won't pay the ransom. (somebody want to explain this
for me?)
Q: Why don't you go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am?
A: Because the elephants are jumping from the trees.
Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A: Because the go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am.
Q: What's that red stuff between elephants toes?
A: Slow pygmies.
Q: How can you tell when elephants have been making love in your back
yard?
A: The fence is broken and one of your Hefty bags is gone.
Q: What do you do when you see a thousand elephants coming down the
mountain slopes?
A: Swim for your life!
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with an ant?
A: A dead ant.
Q: How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, but you need a real big bulb.
Q: What does an elephant with a runny nose (trunk) need?
A: A bl*w job.
Q: How do you make an elephant fly?
A: Start with a 3 foot zipper.
Q: What has two tails, two trunks and five feet?
A: An elephant with spare parts
Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: To pick up the squashed chicken.
Q: What is more difficult than getting an elephant into the back seat
of your car?
A: Getting TWO elephants into the back seat of your car!
Q: What is more difficult than getting 2 elephants in the back seat
of your car?
A: Getting a pregnant elephant in the back seat of your car!!
Q: Whats more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in the back
seat of your car?
A: Getting an elephant pregnant in the back seat of your car!
Q: What is the height of ambition?
A: An ant climbing an elephant's leg with the intention of rape.
Q: What's grey and puts out forest fires?
A: Smokey the Elephant.
Q: What do elephants use for condoms?
A: Garbage bags!
Q: What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movies?
A: You miss most of the picture!
Q: Why do pygmies wear giant condoms on their heads?
A: Because if an elephant steps on them, they're f*cked!
Q: What did one elephant say to the other elephant when he realized
he'd stepped on a pygmie?
A: Look what I just stepped in!
Q: What do elephants use for slippers?
A: Sheep!
Q: What did the peanut say to the elephant?
A: Nothing, peanuts can't talk.
Q: Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?
A: No? See, it works!!!
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rat?
A: A dead rat with an 18 inch as*hole!
Q: What's big and green and slimy, and hangs from tall trees?
A: Elephant boogers.
Q: How many elephants can you fit into a Dodge?
A: 5. Two in the front, two in the back, and one in the glove
compartment.
Q: How do you know when an Elephant has been in the baby carriage?
A: By the footprints on the baby's forehead! (damn elephants get into
everything!)
Q. What's the difference between a little moron and an elephant?
A. About 20 pounds, but the elephant's gaining!
Q: How do you tell if there's an elephant under your bed?
A: Your nose touches the ceiling.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a mountain
climber?!?
A: Silly, a mountain climber is a scaler and you can't cross a vector
with a scalar!
Q: What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers?
A: Cinderelephant.
Q: What do you do with a elephant with 3 balls?
A: Walk him and pitch to the bear
Q: What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant?
A: About 40 lbs..
Q: How do you equalize the two?
A: Feed the elephant. (From the "Canonical List of Sorority Girl
Jokes")
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?
A: The 'Elephino!
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and an orang-utan?
A: One dead ape with two-foot stretch marks.
Q: How dow you get an elephant to come in a thimble?
A: Stuff a bale of hay in it.
Q: How do you stuff a bale of hay in a thimble?
A: One straw at a time.
Q: What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?
A: An elephant with diarrhoea.
How many match elephants!! ;)
Quote from: Ringo on September 23, 2014, 07:38:53 AM
How many match elephants!! ;)
Bottom 1 << Pardon the pun
Two avid fishermen go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"
The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are some priceless quotes:...
*I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word. He knew better*.
*I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."*
*My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget about it.*
*Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Dan!, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!*
*This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story. We had a female news anchor who the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!
*While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off", No one saw her for the rest of the flight to Houston, and all the other Stewardesses were laughing all the way and half of the passengers.
*I was working in an aquarium, when some new guy who was recently hired was given the task of feeding the fish. He started throwing in friggin peanuts! I walked up to him, looking angry, and said to him, "Damn it! They can't digest that! All they can do is lick your nuts!". Needless to say, I quit.
:-[
I did a gig in a fertility clinic. I got a standing ovulation. ;D
Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
Alastair Clarkson is going to leave the Hawks before his contract ends and coach at Adelaide next year
:o
A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast" :)
.
An old couple were sitting in Church and the wife noticed that people were staring at her.
She leaned across to her husband and whispered, "I've just let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
He said, "I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid."
An Airline starts a new concept... Chef on Board. This demanding passenger walks into a plane and tells the hostess, "Lemme get a cheeseburger, not too rare, not too well done, but right in the groove.
"Lemme get some fries, not too crispy, not too burnt, but right in the groove.
"And while you're at it, throw in a shake, not too thin, not too thick, but right in groove."
The hostess took down the order and came back five minutes later and told the man:
"The chef said you can kiss his A*s, not to the left, not to the right, but right in the groove.
::)
A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."
From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying b*stard!"
"Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
"You t*ghtwad!" blurts the spectator.
"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout.
The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?"
"I've lived next to that lying barbie for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"
::)
My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.
She said she just couldn't take it any longer.
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.
The husband puts, "Mypenis," and his wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
Mike and Rob were laying tile on a roof when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder.
"I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder."
"What, do you think I'm stupid?" Rob replied." I have an idea. I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light."
"What, do you think I'm stupid?" Mike answers. "You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway there." ::)
A magazine recently ran a 'Dilbert Quotes' contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America:
'As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.' (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp in Redmond WA)
'What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.' (Lykes Lines Shipping)
'E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.' (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
'This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.' (Advertising/ Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
'Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.' (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)
'No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.' (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/ 3M Corp)
Quote from the Boss: 'Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.' (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, 'That would be better for me.' (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
'We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.' (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
Dilbert is hilarious
One day Paddy, an Irishman, goes into a pharmacy, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.
He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the pharmacist and says, "Could you taste this for me, please?"
The pharmacist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.
"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.
"No, not at all," says the pharmacist.
"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy.
"The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."
::)
An American entered a bar and stood beside an Aussie. "Where are you from, pal?" asked the Aussie, after they had chatted for a while.
"I'm from the finest country in the whole wide world." Said the Yank.
"Are you?" said the other, "you have a damn funny accent for a Aussie." ;D
Spanish police arrested 12 lazy bulls today.
They were later released without charge.
::)
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. :o
Some saturday punnies: ::)
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
A lawyer for a church did some cross-examining.
A man noted for telling puns was locked into a dark closet, and told he would not be released until he made up a pun about the situation. He immediately shouted, "Oh, pun the door!"
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end
Gardeners always know the ground rules
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club but I hadd never met herbivore.
A dentist married a manicurist, but they fought tooth and nail
Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder & got a little behind in his work?
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes
;D ;D
When people go underwater in scary movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation.
I almost died in Finding Nemo. :o
A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.
"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."
"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"
The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.
Quote from: T Dog on October 14, 2014, 10:09:06 AM
A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.
"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."
"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"
The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.
haha that's gold
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen," replied the congregation. 8)
Two avid hunters take a hunter's safety class in which they learn that the universal signal for an emergency is three shots in the air.
Sure enough, on their next hunting trip the two men get lost.
One says to the other, "What shall we do?"
The other says, I know fire three shots in the air and someone may come to find us.
He fires off three shots, and they wait two hours. No sign of help.
What shall we do? Fire off three more shots. So he does. Three hours later there is no response and it is getting dark. The one says "Shall we try again?"
The other says, "I guess not... I only have two arrows left... ::)
A Jamaican wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
"Here is your first question", the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Jamaican says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Jamaican.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Jamaican stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Jamaican, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Jamaican stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt, "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Jamaican leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."
"So, when I start?"
8)
A man was unhappy with the way his laundry was done at the local Laundry.
So he wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes:
USE MORE SOAP ON UNDERWEAR!
He got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so, the following week he enclosed another note:
USE MORE SOAP ON UNDERWEAR!
The laundry man became very annoyed, and when his clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him:
I USED PLENTY OF SOAP ON YOUR UNDERWEAR!!!
YOU SHOULD USE MORE PAPER ...!!! :o
A guy walks into a bar looking frustrated. The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"
The guy replies, "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."
The bartender suggests, "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"
The guy says, "That sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."
A few months later, he returns to the bar in worse condition. "I shaved the tail of one of the horses, but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"
The bartender says, "Why don't you try shaving the mane?"
A few months later the guy is back. "I shaved the mane of one of the horses, but it grew back!"
The bartender yells, "Just measure the damn horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The guy storms out of the bar.
The next day, the guy runs into the bar. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses, and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!" 8)
Farmer Brown, from Minnesota, had a bull that he was quite proud of. One day he looked at the bull and noticed his eyes were crossed. That was disconcerting, because he knew he couldn't get huge stud fees for a defective bull. He called the local vet who came right over. The vet assured him he could solve the problem.
"Farmer Brown, you stand in front of the bull and watch his eyes. I will insert this straw into the bull's rectum and blow. When the eyes uncross, yell stop."
The vet did just that, and sure enough after a few minutes of blowing, the eyes uncrossed. Farmer Brown was thrilled. Several months pass and again he sees the eyes cross.
He says to himself, "I better call the vet. No, wait a minute. Last time I called the vet, he charged me $250.00 for something that only took a few moments. I will do it myself."
He went to the barn and called his trusty farm hand, Luke.
"Luke, we have a problem here and this is what I want you to do. I will put this straw in the rear of my bull and blow. You watch his eyes, and when they uncross, tell me and I will stop blowing."
Farmer Brown started blowing and blowing and nothing happened.
Finally, he said, "You know, maybe I am not strong enough, Luke. Lets trade positions and you blow and I will watch."
Luke went over to the bull, pulled out the straw, turned it around and reinserted it.
"What the hell are you doing, Luke?" says Farmer Brown.
"What do you think? I ain't blowing on the same end that you did!"
Why is the African cricket team so good?
They always have Ebola.
At a funeral, a heart shaped coffin was made for a cardiologist.
A doctor attending the funeral started laughing.
When asked why he is laughing ??
He said..I am thinking of my funeral ..I am a Gyanecologist :o
You can use this one Toro Doc.. ;D
A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:
Husband :-I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn't come back yet.
Inspector :-What is her height?
Husband :-I never checked.
Inspector :-Slim or healthy?.
Husband :-Not slim, can be healthy.
Inspector :-Color of eyes?
Husband :-Never noticed.
Inspector :-Color of hair?
Husband :-Changes according to season.
Inspector :-What was she wearing?
Husband :-Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.
Inspector :-Was she driving?
Husband :-yes.
Inspector :-Color of the car? . . . . .
Husband :-black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door ............. and then the husband started crying
Inspector:-Don't worry sir,.....We will find your car. 8)
A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.
The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.
The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.
The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...
The best way to get something done is to begin procrastinate". And who would know that better than us procrastinators, right? We do everything possible in the book to delay a task and then... panic. These are the tell-tale signs of an A-level procrastinator:
1. You reassure yourself by saying that the task is easy or that you have enough time in hand
And so you end up watching your favourite TV show or movie.
2. You always try to sweet talk other people into doing your work
Money, food, whatever that can make them do your work.
3. You come up with the most believably ridiculous excuses to delay the work
4. You always prepare a list of things to be done, right down to the exact timings
And you get the satisfaction of finishing the work just by finishing the list
Its another thing that you never see or follow the list again after making it.
5. You prioritize and mark tasks according to their order of importance
Just so that you can pass some more time before you actually have to start working.
6. You blame it on the monotony of the task that its taking you so long
7. You wait until the last minute to start your work
8. You constantly think about the deadline and...
...in your head you keep wishing it was few days away.
9. Finally when the deadline is around the corner, you tell yourself to keep calm
Like thats going to help now.
10. You keep checking the time and divide your work into segments with deadlines of their own
You "believe" everything is going according to your plan.
11. You often go into a dreamland where the work in hand is done and you are being rewarded for it
12. You snap at people when they remind you that you are procrastinating
Because you know how hard you have been working. (in your mind)
13. When you finally realize you wont be able to finish the work in time, you get into denial mode
"Not my fault", "I still have ample time left" etc etc.
14. With the deadline finally approaching, you haphazardly just finish the task at hand
You mentally promise yourself never to procrastinate again.
15. Finally, you are just happy coz you put the "pro" in procrastinator
Like every master procrastinator you are cool that way!
10 Fun Facts
1- You can't wash your eyes with soap.
2- You can't count your hairs.
3- You can't breathe through your nose, with your tongue out.
4- You just tried No.3.
6- When you did No.3 you realized it's possible only you look like a dog.
7- You're smiling right now because you're fooled.
8- You skipped No. 5.
9- You just checked to see if there's No. 5
10- Share this with your friends to have some fun too. :)
How many dead children does it take to change a lightbulb?
Well it's not 5 cause my basements still dark :P
I mowed the lawn today, and after I'd finished I sat down with a cold beer. It was a beautiful day and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
The wife walked by and asked me what I was doing? and I said. "Nothing".
The reason I said that, instead of saying 'just thinking darling' was because then she would have asked "About what?"
At that point I would have had to explain to her that men are deep thinkers, which would have led to more questions.
Then I thought about the age-old question of whether giving birth is more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Well, after another beer, and some more thinking, I think I may have come up with the answer.
Getting kicked in the nuts is much more painful than having a baby; and my reasoning is:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child, but you will never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case. Time for another beer......
hahaha that's my mates favourite joke (a lot shorter version though) ;D
Quote from: brad on October 26, 2014, 08:24:51 PM
hahaha that's my mates favourite joke (a lot shorter version though) ;D
Its all about attention span Brad... ;D
Quote from: nrich102 on October 25, 2014, 08:25:39 AM
How many dead children does it take to change a lightbulb?
Well it's not 5 cause my basements still dark :P
Grim.
The lineage is now revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", but now you can handle this situation. Jack is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep N.Schitt Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Mr.Scherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspapers announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride Pisa Schitt.
;D Note: I am not the Dawg metioned.
Quote from: T Dog on October 26, 2014, 08:18:31 PM
I mowed the lawn today, and after I'd finished I sat down with a cold beer. It was a beautiful day and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
The wife walked by and asked me what I was doing? and I said. "Nothing".
The reason I said that, instead of saying 'just thinking darling' was because then she would have asked "About what?"
At that point I would have had to explain to her that men are deep thinkers, which would have led to more questions.
Then I thought about the age-old question of whether giving birth is more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Well, after another beer, and some more thinking, I think I may have come up with the answer.
Getting kicked in the nuts is much more painful than having a baby; and my reasoning is:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child, but you will never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case. Time for another beer......
Just to be annoying though...
Women actually produce a hormone that makes them forget how painful and awful child birth is, which is why they then think it would be nice to have another baby. If they didn't produce that hormone then the human race would have died out years ago!
#badgered
As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's A*s anymore.
.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while
.. A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.
Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?
7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.
8. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . .they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE..........?
Care to join me for a night cap as I don't know if I need a nap
OR
to sleepwalk in my thoughts :o
Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other.
One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and turns to the obituaries page. He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column. He realises that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database. It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Brad up.
"Brad, are you up yet?" asks Mike.
Brad sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee."
"Brad, open the newspaper to page 5."
"Why, what's in the paper?"
"Brad, get the paper and open it to page 5 now!"
"Ok, ok, I've got the paper here, so what's in page 5?"
"Brad, look at the bottom of column 4."
"Why? What's that story on?"
"Brad, read the story on the bottom of the column already!"
"Ok, ok, I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!" The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues.
Finally, Brad comes on the line quietly and fearfully asks in a trembling voice, "So Mike, where are you calling me from right now?"
8) just goes to show Brads music choices cause issues later in life.. ;D
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.
"How do they feel?" asks the sales man.
"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet.
"Try pulling the tongue out," the salesman says.
"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." ;D
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day ... And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!
'That's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'
The Irishman nodded: 'I'll tell you what though, I taut I were going to drop dead on dat tird day.'
'You mean from the hunger?' asked the doctor.
'No, from the skippin!' :o
After ordering a milkshake, a man had to leave his seat in the restaurant to make a telephone call.
Since he didn't want anyone to take his drink, he took a paper napkin, wrote on it, "The World's Strongest Weightlifter," and left it under his glass.
When he returned from making his call, the glass was empty. Under it was a new napkin with new writing that said:
"Thanks for the treat!"
"The World's Fastest Runner" 8)
A cabbie picks up a Nun......She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and
#2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says,
'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'
Happy Halloween! ;D
A nun was sitting at the airport, waiting for her flight to Chicago.
She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune and thought to herself, 'I'll give it a try and see what it tells me.'
She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her nickel in, out came a card that read, 'you are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., and you are going to Chicago'
The nun sat back down. She told herself that the machine probably gives the same Card to everyone. The more she thought about it the more curious she got so she decided to try it again she went back to the machine and again put her nickel in, and out came a card that read:
'You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you are going to Chicago and you are going to play a Violin.'
The nun says to herself, 'I know that is wrong, I have never played a musical Instrument even once in my life.' she sat back down.
From out of nowhere a cowboy came over and sat down, putting his Violin case on the seat between them.
Without thinking, she opened the cowboy's case, took out the Violin, and started playing beautiful music.
Surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine, thinking, 'this is incredible, I've got to try this again.'
Back to the machine she went, put in another nickel, and another card came out.
It read, 'you are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you are going to Chicago and you are Going to break wind.' now she knows the machine is wrong, as she thought to Herself, 'I've never broken wind in public a single time in my life.' but getting down off the machine she slipped, and as she was straining to keep herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind.
Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, 'this is truly remarkable. I've got to try this again'. She went back to the machine, put in another nickel and another card came out.
It read:
'You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you have played and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago'.
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
SUBJECT: SICK LEAVE POLICY
SICKNESS:
No excuse. We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
AN OPERATION:
We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.
DEATH:
Other than your own: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.
YOUR OWN:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.
ALSO:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00-8:15, and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again.
We appreciate your cooperation,
THE MANAGEMENT
ne day 3 women went to the top of a water flume in a swimming pool. There was a black haired, brown haired, and a blonde haired woman. When they got to the top a genie appeared from nowhere and said "when your going down the flume shout out the on thing that you want and you will land in it at the bottom. So the black haired woman went down and shouted "money" and landed in a load of cash, the brown haired woman went down and shouted "gorgous men!" and landed in a pile of men. The blonde woman wasnt listening to the genie so she went down shouting weeeeeee.
8)
One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. There, he deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.
The best call came from Bubba, who repeatedly complained that he keeps being paged by "Lucille."
He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.
"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said.
After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number.
"She leaves her name," was the reply.
After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on.
"How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked.
"L-O-W C-E-L-L"
Another technical problem solved.
8)
An ant knocks the door of a house. House owner opens the door.
"I want a place to stay", said the Ant ..
"I have a vacant room which you can occupy for free of cost", said the owner. The ant went inside and occupied that vacant room.
After some days, the Ant brought in another Ant and requested the owner "Can you please allow this Ant to stay along with me".
"Oh sure, you can do so without paying any rent" said the owner.
After some days the Ant brought one more Ant and requested the owner to allow that Ant to stay with it. Owner agreed to it without asking for any rent. This continues and Ant brings in one more Ant and owner agrees for it. On one fine day, the Ant brought in the tenth Ant and requested the owner to allow that tenth Ant also to stay with it.
The owner said "Ok, you all can stay here but you need to pay rent".
Now the question is : Why did the owner ask for rent when the tenth Ant came in?
Scroll down for the answer :
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Com'on don't give up... just think, why Rent now ?
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...Because they are now Tenants (Ten ants) !! ;D
The person who invented this sentence is either a Vocabulary GENIUS or is
absolutely JOBLESS.
Why?
You'll soon find out !!!
Read the sentence below carefully...
"I do not know where family doctors acquired illegibly perplexing
handwriting nevertheless, extraordinary pharmaceutical intellectuality
counterbalancing indecipherability, transcendentalizes intercommunications
incomprehensibleness".
This is a sentence where the Nth word is N letters long.
e.g. 3rd word is 3 letters long, 8th word is 8 letters long and so on
:o
A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to Introduce themselves with name and hobby. She said, "Let's start with the boys first."
Boys start giving their intro...
First boy: "My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the Bathtub."
Teacher was confused to listen but said, "Interesting.
Well, Ok.
In fact, we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is essentially a child in each of us. So it's ok John.
Yes next."
Second boy: "Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the Bathtub."
Teacher now got surprised and said, "Good. I like the spirit of Supporting a friend.
Ok next."
Third boy: "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the Bathtub."
Teacher: "Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next."
This continues...
And the last boy stands up "I'm Harry and my hobby is to see Bubble in the bathtub."
Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach un-grown boys for long. Anyway, now the girls please."
First girl: "I'm Julie and my hobby is to see birds."
Teacher: "Good. At last I got something different. Ok next."
Second girl: "I'm Ruby and I like to collect perfumes."
Teacher "Now it's like educated grown up girls. Ok next."
You sweet Girl; Yes you..."
Most beautiful girl of the class gets up:
"Mam, my name is Bubble, and my hobby is to take bath three times a day."
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: Human Resources
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated.
We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers. Therefore, a list of TRY SAYING new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees. SO...
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: When the hell do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No flowering way!!
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be showering me.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh*t.
TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a sh*t.
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my frigging problem.
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the hell?!?!
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF: F**K it. It won't work.
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell cares?
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his A*s.
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh*t and die.
TRY SAYING: So, you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my A*s.
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF: F**K it! I'm on salary.
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your A*s!
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.
TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another darned meeting!!!
TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a sh*t.
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a frigging pr**k.
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball busting dog.
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the hell you're doing.
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma."
The next day the grandmother died. Oh my god, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say,
"God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning our neighbour James dropped dead on our porch." :o
Friday Puns;
What do you call a cow who gives no milk? A milk dud (or an udder failure).
Without geometry, life is pointless
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating, recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."
A backwards poet writes inverse.
;D
A few more
A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way.
What did the mother say to her kids when she came home to find the sink piled high? Dishes a real mess!
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
They arrested a man for passing himself off as the comedian named Seinfeld....the charge was playjerism.
What Disney movie is about a gal who couldn't rise above a housecleaning position? The Little Mere Maid
I used to be a banker, but lost interest in the work.
What do you get if you cross a bullet and a tree with no leaves? A cartridge in a bare tree.
She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
If a seagull flies over the sea, what flies over the bay? A bagel.
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.
What is the breed of canine that easily forgets his place on the trail? Wherewolf
Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket.
The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever you say!"
Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asks, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?"
The engineer says, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!" :o
Modern times :)
Our communication - Wireless
Our dress - topless
Our telephone - Cordless
Our cooking - Fireless
Our youth - Jobless
Our food - Fatless
Our labour - Effortless
Our conduct - Worthless
Our relationship - Loveless
Our attitude - Careless
Our feelings - Heartless
Our politics - Shameless
Our education - Valueless
Our follies - Countless
Our arguments - Baseless
Our boss - Brainless
Our Job - Thankless
Our Salary - Much Less
8)
1.) What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
2.) Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
3.) Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said, "Disneyland Left" so they turned around and went home.
4.) What do SMART Blondes and UFO's have in common? You always hear about them but never see them.
5.) What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios? Oh look, Daddy...Doughnut seeds.
6.) Why did the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice? Because it said concentrate.
8)
A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit she instructed her son - to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to daddy who is at site.
After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that it was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the 3 times he tried reaching dad on the mobile. (Women!!)
She waited impatiently for her husband to return from site, immediately she sighted him, she gave him a very hot slap,
while the man was trying to ask why?
She repeated the slap, people from neighborhood rushed around to know the cause of this.
The man asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called, junior said "the number you are Trying To call Is not Reachable At The Moment. Please Try Again Later".
Quote from: T Dog on November 10, 2014, 08:24:34 AM
Modern times :)
Our communication - Wireless
Our dress - topless
Our telephone - Cordless
Our cooking - Fireless
Our youth - Jobless
Our food - Fatless
Our labour - Effortless
Our conduct - Worthless
Our relationship - Loveless
Our attitude - Careless
Our feelings - Heartless
Our politics - Shameless
Our education - Valueless
Our follies - Countless
Our arguments - Baseless
Our boss - Brainless
Our Job - Thankless
Our Salary - Much Less
8)
Our abandon soldier - Whatlez :o
Two blondes are walking down the street. One blonde finds a little mirror, looks in it, again and again. Puzzled, she says to her friend, "I just know I've seen this face before!"
"Give it to me", says the other blonde.
She looks in the mirror and says, "Of course, you silly! It's me!!"
Original Version:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant's a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MODERN VERSION...
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant's a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
BBC, CNN, EURO-NEWS, Free to Air, FOX NEWS show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
The World is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be that this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Greenpeace and RSPCA stage a demonstration in front of the ant's house.
Amnesty International and Koffi Annan criticizes the Government for not upholding the fundamental rights of the grasshopper.
The Internet is flooded with online petitions seeking support to the grasshopper.
Opposition MP's stage a walkout.
Left parties call for a Judicial Enquiry. Finally, a Government Committee drafts the Prevention of Terrorism Against Grasshoppers Act [POTAGA]", with effect from the beginning of the winter.
The ant is fined for failing to comply with POTAGA and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government and handed over to the grasshopper in a ceremony covered by BBC,CNN, Fox and Free to Air
Newspapers call it "a triumph of justice".
Koffi Annan invites the grasshopper to address the UN General Assembly... 8)
A 21-year-old girl saunters into a prestigious car showroom, looks around all the Porsche's, Ferrari's and Lamborghini's before deciding on a top-end Red Porsche.
"I'll pay cash!" she says and hands over a bagful of Fifties. The deal is finalised very quickly and the girl drives it away.
Two days later she's back, fuming, "I want my money back...it smells awfully bad when I use the brakes."
Not wanting to lose the sale (having taken cash and fiddled the books) the sales-manager decides to ride in the car with her 'in case she ain't driving it properly'.
He gets in and she roars out of the dealership, drops it into second gear at 80 kph, floors the pedal again and slips into 3rd at 100 kph, does a handbrake turn into a country lane and then really starts to accelerate. 130 kph in 4th, 160 in 5th, the engine's roaring like a Lion with toothache, and the car is shuddering as it climbs to 190 kph. The scenery is a green blur and the G-force has him pinned in the seat.
In the distance, to his relief, the barriers of a level crossing are beginning to come down and she will have to slow down (he thinks!), but no, she floors it and the revometer climbs higher. 100 metres from the crossing she slams on the brakes and the car stops cm's from the barrier.
"So, can you smell it?" she says.
"SMELL IT? HONEY, I'M SITTING IN IT!" ;D
A Policeman on patrol pulled a motorist over.
He got of the car and said to the driver
" Do you realise that you have 2 snakes on your vehicle"
The driver replied:
"That's all right officer they are my Windscreen Vipers!"
A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?' "
"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"
After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no commendation and that the Company is not doing any thing about it. So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told h is HR Manager his observation. The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying;
Myfriend, you have not worked here for even one day.
The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.
Manager:- How many days are there in a year?
Man:- 365 days and some times 366
Manager:- how many hours make up a day?
Man:- 24 hours
Manager:- How long do you work in a day?
Man:- 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day.
Manager:- So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours ?
Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3(one third)
Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?
Man:- 122 (1/3x366 = 122 in days)
Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends?
Man:- No sir
Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends?
Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days
Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?
Man:- 18 days.
Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?
Man:- 4 days
Manager:- Do you work on New Year day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- Do you come to work on workers day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 2 days sir!
Manager:- Do you come to work on the (National holiday )?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 1 day sir!
Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- None sir!
Manager:- So, what are you claiming?
Man:- I have understood, Sir. I did not realise that
I was stealing Company money all these days.
Moral - NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!!
HR = HIGH RISK ::)
Lost my House Key now,
What a dog,
Good ballavitch,
No I can't ski now,
Got a bad stitch,
Could be risky,
This looks dangerous,
I better not ski,
HE DID SKI,
And that's gonna be a penalty!
Referee pointing to the spotski.
England players aren't happy about that.
Penalty for the Soceroos to be taken by the Wikid Witch,
Makes no Mistakavitch,
Straight into the back of the netski,
3-Nothing Australia!
"the 12th man" ;D
lmao ;D
Australia goes on the attack now through diga ditch
good ball for sonof adog
you cantski
i canski
noyou cantski now
nice passski to who canski
gotan itch, little chipavitch over the topavitch, floweroff yadog
GOALAVICH! 1 nothing Australia
floweroff Yadog the scorer
and that's stunned this England side
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth."
The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.
The man then said, "I have another pair - try these."
The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair. Try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.
"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker." :o
A guy walks into a bar. Sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he said,"Hi,there,good looking! How's it going?" Having already downed a few power drinks she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said,"Listen! I'll screw anybody,anytime,anywhere,your place,my place,front door,backdoor,it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college.
I just love it!!!"
Eyes now wide with interest,he responded,"No kidding! I'm a lawyer too!!! What firm are you with?"
Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny,you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance..
Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine"
By this time Mr Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.
After a second, Mr.Smith says, "Well Johnny,it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you.
What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."
Mr. Smith faints............ :o
Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.
The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $500 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge big enough to keep it in!"
The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $37,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"
The third, a blond male, nods sagely and agrees that these two women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "I have to laugh when I think about it," he chuckles. "Last week my wife left on a vacation to Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have taken at least five boxes of condoms with her. She doesn't even have a penis!"
8)
I was shocked today when I failed my psychic exam.
I just didn't see that coming.
:o
A middle aged man bought a brand new convertible Porsche. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 160 and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.
"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But when he eventually looked in his rear-view mirror there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 km/hr to escape being stopped.
Then he thought, What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.
The Policeman pulled in behind the Porsche and walked up on the driver's side.
"Sir, my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before as to why you were speeding, I'll let you go."
The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman and I thought you were bringing her back."
The Policeman said, "Have a nice day, sir"
A man and his little boy were walking through the park when a honeybee landed near them. The boy ran over and stomped on it. The father gave him a lecture about having respect for living things and added, "Just for that you can't have any honey for two weeks!".
Pretty soon a butterfly landed near them. The boy ran over and stomped on it. Again, the father gave him a lecture and added, "Just for that you can't have any butter for two weeks!".
When they got home, they went into the kitchen, and a cockroach ran across the floor. The mother ran over and stomped on it. The boy said to his father, "Well do you want to tell her, or shall I?". 8)
A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice. Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied. Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers." ;D
Little Johnny's dad was a retired gambler. Having picked up a few of his old man's bad habits, Johnny wagered on anything and everything, and he was good at it. Eventually, it became such a problem, that Johnny's teacher called his father to discuss it. After a long conversation, they decided to teach him a lesson.
One day after class Johnny approached his teacher. "You're not really blonde," he said. "I've seen your bush and it's pitch black, you dye your hair."
"I most certainly do not," she replied.
"I bet you ten bucks you do," he said.
She saw that this was an opportunity to teach him a lesson, so she waited for all the other children to leave the class and took off her pants, showing him that her pubic hair was the same color as the hair on her head. Johnny paid her the ten dollars and walked sullenly out of the room.
A few hours later Johnny's teacher called his father. "I think I finally taught him a lesson," she said.
"The hell you have," his father said angrily. "This morning he bet me $50 he'd see your vagina before the end of the day."
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over.
The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.
They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?'
There's a bunch of doctors gathered together at a doctor's convention one night. A male doctor notices a female doctor from across the room. The female doctor notices also and the next thing you know, they're sitting next to each other by the end of dinner.
After dinner, the male asks the woman if she wants to go up to his hotel room.
''Sure,'' the woman says. ''Let me go wash my hands first.''
After she washes her hands, they have sex. After they are finished, she washes her hands again.
This is really starting to annoy the male doctor so he says, ''You know, you must be a surgeon, because you keep washing your hands.''
Angry at this remark, the woman says, ''Well, you must be an anasthesiologist, because I didn't feel a thing!'' :o
A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica .
They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.. 'So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in.
Dey makes you wild at sex..'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table; yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming in panic:
'You got dem on de wrong feet!'
What is a definition of sabotage?
A person with a pin in a condom factory
Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.
Doctor: What does he call his other eye?
I love how music takes you away to another place. For example, Coldplay is playing at this bar, so now I'm going to another bar.
8)
A lawyer was trying to console a weeping widow. Her husband had passed away without a will.
"Did the deceased have any last words?" asked the lawyer.
"You mean *right* before he died?" sobbed the widow.
"Yes," replied the lawyer. "They might be helpful if it's not too painful for you to recall."
"Well," she began, "he said 'Don't try to scare me! You couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with that gun.'"
:o
A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse looking as though he'd just escaped a tornado.
"What's wrong?" a woman asked.
"I just lost a game to Houlihan," the pro said.
"What? But Houlihan's the worst player I've ever seen. How could he have beaten you?"
"He tricked me," the pro said. "On the first tee, he asked for a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes- any handicap he wanted.
He said, 'Just give me two gotchas."
"What's a gotcha?" asked the woman. "That's what I wanted to know," the pro said. "Houlihan said, 'You'll see.' Then, as I was teeing off, just as I had my club poised, he screamed out 'Gotcha!'"
"I can guess what happened," the woman said.
"Sure," the pro said. "The scream threw me off, and I missed the ball completely."
"Understandable," the woman said. "But still, that's only one swing. How did he win the game?"
The pro answered, "You try swinging at a golf ball all day while waiting for that second 'gotcha!'
A fellow was walking through a cemetery one dark and stormy night. As he got well into the cemetery, he heard a voice say, "Mark! Mark!".
Pretending not to let it bother him, he pulled his coat a little tighter and kept walking. Again the voice said, "Mark! Mark!". That did it.
He took off full speed and didn't stop till he was well outside the gates. As he stopped to catch his breath, the moon broke through the clouds enough so he could see what had been following him. It was a T dog with a hare lip.
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.
Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the familys only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.
When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, Ive seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you.
The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.
The mermaid said to him, If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right. And while the son tried his best (seven times), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.
And there he also met the mermaid. I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.
The young son replied, Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row? And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, Why not THIRTY times in a row?
Finally, she said, Enough Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health. Then the young son asked: "Wait How do I know that thirty times in a row wont kill you like it did the cow?"
::)
There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish. The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into brown haired woman and she swims off the island.
The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one. So, instantly she is turned into a black haired woman. The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.
8)
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband gave his wife a gift - a tombstone, with the inscription: "Here LIies My Wife - Cold As Ever."
Later, the furious wife bought a return present - also a tombstone, on which the inscription read: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last."
Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed one of his client's jurors to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, fearing the murder charge being brought by the state. The jury was out for days before returning with the verdict:
manslaughter!
Later, as Murphy paid off the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a hard time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.
"Boy, did I!" said the juror. "They kept voting to acquit!" >:(
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversations. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend to spella Mississippi.
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning.
Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Mann went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there.
After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him.
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."
During his visit to the United States, the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media.
The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family.
A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, and discouraged, and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure.
Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed."
Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments."
Quote from: Purple 77 on December 04, 2014, 09:16:23 PM
Quote from: T Dog on November 28, 2014, 12:54:39 PM
There's a bunch of doctors gathered together at a doctor's convention one night. A male doctor notices a female doctor from across the room. The female doctor notices also and the next thing you know, they're sitting next to each other by the end of dinner.
After dinner, the male asks the woman if she wants to go up to his hotel room.
''Sure,'' the woman says. ''Let me go wash my hands first.''
After she washes her hands, they have sex. After they are finished, she washes her hands again.
This is really starting to annoy the male doctor so he says, ''You know, you must be a surgeon, because you keep washing your hands.''
Angry at this remark, the woman says, ''Well, you must be an anasthesiologist, because I didn't feel a thing!'' :o
This one makes my top 5 in this thread haha. Great work T Dog ;D
Agreed. I've used it a few times in theatre - Gasmen not impressed!
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only cost you $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using cocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better.
General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: "So how are your men?"
"Very well trained, General McKenzie."
"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country." "Well, my men are very brave, too."
"I'd like to see that."
So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: "Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!"
"Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of here!" As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:
"You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."
8)
The world's first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden flight without pilots or crew. The plane taxied to the loading area automatically, its doors opened automatically, the steps came out automatically. The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats.
The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed, and the airplane taxied toward the runway.
"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen," a voice intoned. "Welcome to the debut of the world's first fully computerized airliner. Everything on this aircraft is run electronically. Just sit back and relax. Nothing can go wrong ... Nothing can go wrong...nothing can go wrong...."
A few puns:
What city has the largest rodent population? Hamsterdam.
I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
What do you call a country where everyone drives a red car? A red carnation.
What would you get if you crossed an electric eel with a sponge? A shock absorber.
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, Uhhm how do you drive this thing?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
What Disney movie is about a stupid boyfriend? Dumb Beau
I used to be a sanitation engineer, but the city dumped me.
The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
8)
WHAT DID HE SAY
A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham and bacon. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that when pregnant, they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs.
So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, banged each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs, and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he was woken up by his wife shaking him and saying "Wake up Dear, the pigs are acting strangely!". "What do you mean?" he asked excitedly, "Are they wallowing in the mud?" "No, " she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!"
The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock wood."
She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked his problem out with a pencil.. ;D
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9- Iron".
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9-Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong. He puts his other club away, and grabs a 9-iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked!
He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3-wood."
The guy takes out a 3-wood, and boom! A hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man has golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom - tons of cash come sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."
He figures, Why not? After all the frog did for him, it is a small price to pay. With the kiss, however, the frog turns into a gorgeous 18-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room." :o
I used to be in a band, we were called "lost dog" You probably saw our posters.
8)
Wifi went down for five minutes, so i had to talk to my family. They seem like nice people.
A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room.
But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."
"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."
"Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned." 8)
The Zimbabwe Cricket Board have just announced that they discovered ebola in their cricket team,
but this has not caused any concern since they also found ebatsman and efielda.
There were two ministers who met each Sunday morning riding to their particular church. They both enjoyed riding the bikes and talking. Then one Sunday one of the ministers was walking. "My what happened to your bike?"
"Can you believe that someone in my congregation stole it?"
"NO!," then an idea struck him, " You want to know how to get your bike back?"
"Yeah."
"Next Sunday give a fire and brimstone sermon on the Ten Commandments and when you get to the part about Thout shall not steal, just look out into the congregation and see who looks guilty."
Well the next Sunday the minister comes riding up on his bike.
"Hey I see my suggestion worked."
"Well sort of, I was going along real good on the Ten Commandments and when I got to the part about Adultery I remembered where I left the bike."
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
Lion wakes up in the jungle and finds that a tool is missing, he goes to elephant and asks "Have you seen my tool?"
Elephant replies "What does it look like?"
Lion: "Well it's got four points on it"
Elephant: "Sorry, I haven't seen it, try mouse"
So the Lion goes to the mouse and asks "Have you seen my tool?"
Mouse: "What does it look like?"
Lion: "Well it's got four points on it."
Mouse: "Sorry mate, I've not seen it, try croc."
So the lion proceeds to the crocodile and asks "Have you seen my tool"
Croc: "What does it look like?"
Lion: "Well it's got four points on it."
Croc: "Sorry I've not seen it, try Jaguar"
So the lion goes to Jaguar and asks "Have you seen my tool?"
Jaguar: "Of course, I ate it."
Lion: "Why did you do that?"
Jaguar: "Well I'm a four point tool eater Jaguar"
think it through.. 8)
One day the big animals and the little animals decided to have a football game. As the first half went along, the big animals were scoring at will. Every time they got the ball they would run it in for a touchdown.
Then came the second half...
First play: The elephant runs the ball up the middle. WAP!! Tackled for a five yard loss.
The little animals go back to the huddle cheering and congratulating each other.
"Who made that tackle?" asked the ant.
"I did," said the centipede.
Second play: The rhinoceros runs the ball up the middle. WHOMP!! Tackled for another five yard loss.
Back in the huddle the flea asked, "Who made that great stop?" "I did," said the centipede.
Third play: The gorilla tries an end sweep, led by the hippo throwing the lead blocks. SMACK!! Centipede tackles him for a ten yard loss.
Back in the huddle, the gnat asked the centipede, "Where were you in the first half?"
The centipede replied, "Puttin' on my shoes!"
Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, " He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.
Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking.
Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a Happy Birthday!!!
A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"
Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"
Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"
"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.
At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"
The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.
A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
A little kids sends a letter to Santa that says: "Dear Santa I want a brother for Christmas." Santa writes back, "Dear Timmy send me me your mommy."
Too early for bad xmas jokes ? ::)
A wonderful Christmas song told me to Deck The Halls....so I did. Mr. and Mrs Hall were not very happy.
Don't you hate that awkward moment when Santa Claus has the same wrapping paper as your parents!
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing, it was on the house!
What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper? Ribbon hood.
::)
There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.
I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man.
"That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film."
The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had told their new wives what their household duties were to be.
The first man had married a woman from Tennessee. He bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.
The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Long Island. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, find a cleaning lady, and telephone a landscaper.
The dentist pulls out a Novocain needle to give the man a shot, so he can extract the man's tooth. 'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me! The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. 'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'
The dentist then returns and says, Here's a Viagra tablet.'
The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'
It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.
A little boy asks his dad where babies come from.
Dad explains that Adam and Eve had babies and then their babies had babies and so on until your mummy and daddy had you.
Not satisfied he asks the same question of Mum and Mum says it was like this Millions of years ago there were Apes who walked on the land and slowly they evolved to become the humans we are today.
Angrily the son storms into dads study You were Lying to me Dad Mum says we caome from Apes.
Dad says No I was not lying your mother was referring to her side of the family.
A couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside on a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of reproduction bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments: "See! That was more than 5 times a month!"
The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."
Again the wife bugs her husband: "Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!"
Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison... The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!"
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells: "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!"
The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back: "Sure, once a day! But ask the announcer if they were all with the same cow!!!"
In life there are two things to worry about: either you are well or you are sick. If you are well then there is nothing to worry about, but if you are sick there are only two things to worry about: either you get well or you die.
If you get well then there is nothing to worry about. But if you die there are only two things to worry about: either you will go to heaven or to hell.
If you go to heaven then there is nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends you won't have time to worry.
An Melbourne Uni computer science major was given an artificial intelligence assignment for one of his classes. He ended up creating a program where you could have a conversation with your computer based on your IQ level.
To test his program he entered 80 and had a conversation about Reality TV shows. He entered 100 and talked about politics. He entered 150 and talked about nuclear physics.
Just to see what would happen he entered a -50 and the computer bumped and belched and sparked and smoked for a good 10 minutes. When it finally settled down it displayed "Go Pies....." >:(
Why was the tired knight's butt like a mythical beast? His Ass was Dragon ::)
A travelling ventriloquist on the road in between jobs decided to practice his craft before his next show. He stopped at a farmhouse and approached the farmer who lived there.
"Hello there, Mr. Farmer, I was just passing by and I was wondering if I might speak to your dog." The farmer replied, "Well, you know, dogs don't talk." The ventriloquist said, "You'd be surprised what a dog might tell you. Can I speak with him?"
The farmer, eyeing the ventriloquist suspiciously, called his dog. "Hi there, Mr. dog," said the ventriloquist. "How does the farmer treat you?" To which the dog replied, "Oh, he's great! He throws a stick for me, scratches my belly, and I just love him!!" Needless to say, the farmer was dumbfounded.
Wanting to see if he could fool the farmer again, the ventriloquist asked if he could speak with the farmer's horse. "Well, you know, horses don't talk." Again the ventriloquist said, "You'd be surprised what a horse might tell you."
So the farmer brought out his horse. "Say, Mr. Horse, how does the farmer treat you?" asked the ventriloquist. The horse then replied, "Oh, I think he's great. He feeds me oats, he puts a blanket over me at night, and I just love him!" Again the farmer was amazed.
Wanting to try his luck a third time, the ventriloquist said, "Mr. Farmer, would you like to hear what the sheep has to say about you?"
"Well," declared the farmer, "Sheep lie, ya' know."
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
A rabbit broke out of the laboratory where he had been born and raised. As he scurried away, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking, for the first time in his life. "Wow," he thought. "This is great." It wasn't long before he came to a hedge. After squeezing under it, he saw a wonderful sight -- lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?" "Yes, come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?", he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."
This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?" "You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well."
The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We have sex with them. Go and try it."
Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning at this until, completely exhausted, he staggered back over to the guys.
"That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?", one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time, but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him, a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.
By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back.
Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady.
Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless. "I NEED FOOD!" he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.
"NO!" Joe retorts. "We promised."
Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock.
"Just for that, I'm not going."
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"
"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass."
The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?"
The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar."
Once upon a time, a tribe of cannibals caught a saint sent to them as a missionary and ate him. He was very tender and tasty, yet they were all violently sick afterwards. It shows that you can't keep a good man down.
What is the religion of a woman who had a sex-change operation? A HeThen
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"
Do you know the relation between two eyes...???
They never see each other... BUT
1. They blink together.
2. They move together.
3. They cry together.
4. They see together.
5. They sleep together.
They share a very deep bonded relationship...
However, when they see a pretty woman, one will blink and another will not...
Moral of the story: A pretty woman can break any relationship...
At the supermarket I just saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?" ;D
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story is:
If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
Then I used to work for a blanket factory, but the company folded. Then I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.
I tried to work for H&R Block, but it was just too taxing. Last few weeks I was Santa's little helper but got depressed. I have low elf esteem ::)
The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life. "Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus. "Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!" "No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."
Past, Present and Future walked into a Bar. It was tense.
In Korea, when a patient is taken to hospital, a white wristband is placed on their left arm. These wristbands contain the patient's name and information. When a patient dies, a red wristband is placed on their right arm and they are taken to the morgue.
In one particular hospital in Korea, a young doctor was working the night shift. It was around 2 AM when he finished his last operation. He was on the 5th floor and pressed the button for the elevator. The doctor was tired after a long day and was looking forward to the end of his shift. At 2 AM, the hospital was very quiet. Most of the patients were asleep and many of the nurses had already gone home. He entered the elevator and there was just one other person there. He casually chatted with the woman while the elevator descended.
The elevator stopped at the basement and the door opened. They saw an old man dressed in a white gown standing there. The old man was about to get in when the doctor suddenly slammed the close button and punched the button for the 5th floor.
"Why did you do that?" asked the astonished woman.
"I've performed a lot of operations," replied the doctor. "I've seen a lot of people die. When a patient dies, they get a red wristband placed on their arm."
The woman was silent.
"You saw it, didn't you?" said the doctor.
"That old man... That old man had a red wristband on his arm."
"A red wristband....!!!!" said the woman as she raised her right arm. "You mean like this one ?"
:o
A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.
The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.
He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand."
The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.
Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!"
The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing.
Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way
This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman. She, of course, turns him down. Not willing, to give up, he pleads with her, "C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy."
think about it ::)
Renegades top order ;)
A cop is sitting in his usual speed trap spot and sees a truck drive by with the back full of penguins. He is understandably perplexed so he pulls the truck over.
"Excuse me sir, but why do you have all those penguins in the back of your truck?"
"I'm sorry officer, but I just don't know what to do with them!"
Incredulous, the officer responds, "take them to the zoo!"
The driver thanks the officer and drives off. The next day the cop is in the same spot and dang-it-all if that same truck doesn't drive by again, but this time the penguins are all wearing sunglasses. The frustrated cop again pulls the truck over.
"I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!"
"I did officer, today we're going to the beach!"
A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.
Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.
Nun: I think that would be okay.
They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold.
Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does)
Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does)
Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own blanket.
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Sh*t."
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
My next crap could spell disaster.
I was going to tell you a joke about infinity, but it didn't have an ending!
Not really a joke but quite funny and a true story,
Driving back from Gympie on Saturday there was a traffic report asking to be aware of a horse on the loose on the Bruce Highway. Location in the Vicinity of Wild Horse Mountain, Beerburrum!!
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.
AVERAGE: Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.
QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.
INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.
STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.
TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.
A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.
NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.
EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.
SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.
CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.
METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.
DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.
JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.
MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.
GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.
SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.
IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.
ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.
REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.
HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.
ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.
HAPPY: Paid too much.
WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork.
COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Annoying.
WILL GO FAR: Relative of management.
SHOULD GO FAR: Please.
USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.
VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
USES RESOURCES WELL: Delegates everything.
DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.
A pastor, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.
Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.
The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.
Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"
There was a ghost at the hotel, so they called for an inn spectre.
What jumps from cake to cake and smells of almonds? Tarzipan.
Why did the little fella sleep on the chandelier? Because he was a light sleeper.
The truth may ring out like a bell, but it is seldom ever tolled.
;D
Just heard that in 2015 there will be a new device that can turn thoughts into speech. I have had that for years, it's called alcohol
I just popped down the pub, there was apple pie and custard everywhere. The place was desserted.
A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.
"Sorry, we don't need anyone..." they replied.
"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything anytime!"
"Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job."
He was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000.
"How in the world did you do that?" they asked.
"I told you I'm the worldes best salesman, I can sell anyone anything, anytime!"
"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.
"What's that?" he asked.
"Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000 the company requires a urine sample. Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."
He was gone about 8 hours and the office was about to close, when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Jone's and this one is Mrs. Johnson's."
"That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"
"Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention - so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"
At a wedding party recently, someone yelled, "All the married men, please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living!" The bartender was crushed to death.
I walked into a pub and saw a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $6.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $8.50
HAND JOB: $30.00. I walked up to the bar and beckoned one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," I whispered Are you the one who gives the hand jobs? "Yes," she purrs. "I am."
So I said, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger." Security led me away quietly >:(
20 Things to do Before You Die...
1) Look at see through glass and when someone is on the other side shout "OH MY GOD, I'M HIDEOUS!"
2) Bring a big chair into the elevator facing away from the door and when someone walks in, dramatically turn and say 'we've been expecting you.'
3) Walk up to someone, hand them a potato, look them in the eyes and deadpan 'with great power, comes great responsibility.' Walk away.
4) Call someone to tell them you can't talk right now.
5) Point at someone and shout "You're one of them!" Run and pretend to trip. Crawl away slowly.
6) Buy a donut and complain that there's a hole in it.
7) Put Mayonnaise in a bowl, freeze it, and tell your friend it's ice cream.
8) Put up a "Lost Dog" poster with a picture of a cat on it.
9) In a public toilet, pass a note under the door next to you saying, "They're onto us. We need to go."
10) Walk up to a random person and say, "Wow! You've changed, I still have your picture from five years ago." And hold up a picture of potato.
11) Call McDonalds asking for directions to Burger King.
12) Order a pizza 5 minutes before New Years, and when it comes, yell, "I ORDERED THIS THING A YEAR AGO!
13) Bring a desk on an elevator. When people try to get on ask if they have an appointment.
14) Go to an electronic store with a banana and say that you want to upgrade to an apple.
15) Call Pizza Hut and ask for the phone number to Domino's.
16) Hide a walk talkie in a bush and scare people that walk by.
17) Get on a crowded elevator with a bag in your hands, sigh and say "darn my snake got loose again".
18) When someone asks you if you know what time it is, say yes and walk away.
19) Dress up as a duck and throw bread at people and say,"HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?!! HUH?!!!!
20) Go to a pet shop, point at an employee, and shout "I WANT THAT ONE MOMMY!!!"
::)
What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!) :o
To add to your list above.
Have a young kid run down the aisle at a wedding and shout Daddy, Daddy.
Quote from: T Dog on January 08, 2015, 01:48:21 PM
15) Call Pizza Hut and ask for the phone number to Domino's.
Been there, done that.
Quote from: T Dog on January 08, 2015, 01:48:21 PM
21 Things to do Before You Die...
1) Look at see through glass and when someone is on the other side shout "OH MY GOD, I'M HIDEOUS!"
2) Bring a big chair into the elevator facing away from the door and when someone walks in, dramatically turn and say 'we've been expecting you.'
3) Walk up to someone, hand them a potato, look them in the eyes and deadpan 'with great power, comes great responsibility.' Walk away.
4) Call someone to tell them you can't talk right now.
5) Point at someone and shout "You're one of them!" Run and pretend to trip. Crawl away slowly.
6) Buy a donut and complain that there's a hole in it.
7) Put Mayonnaise in a bowl, freeze it, and tell your friend it's ice cream.
8) Put up a "Lost Dog" poster with a picture of a cat on it.
9) In a public toilet, pass a note under the door next to you saying, "They're onto us. We need to go."
10) Walk up to a random person and say, "Wow! You've changed, I still have your picture from five years ago." And hold up a picture of potato.
11) Call McDonalds asking for directions to Burger King.
12) Order a pizza 5 minutes before New Years, and when it comes, yell, "I ORDERED THIS THING A YEAR AGO!
13) Bring a desk on an elevator. When people try to get on ask if they have an appointment.
14) Go to an electronic store with a banana and say that you want to upgrade to an apple.
15) Call Pizza Hut and ask for the phone number to Domino's.
16) Hide a walk talkie in a bush and scare people that walk by.
17) Get on a crowded elevator with a bag in your hands, sigh and say "darn my snake got loose again".
18) When someone asks you if you know what time it is, say yes and walk away.
19) Dress up as a duck and throw bread at people and say,"HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?!! HUH?!!!!
20) Go to a pet shop, point at an employee, and shout "I WANT THAT ONE MOMMY!!!"
21) Meet a Bao (Personally endorsed by Nige)
::)
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
you can what Dawg? ;D
Did you hear about the latest school kidnapping?
He woke up ;)
how do you make a snooker table giggle?
"put your hand in its pocket and tickle its balls"
John Walter
Human Resource Manager
Company ABCDEF
203 Wall St.
New York, NY 10015
Dear Mr. Walter,
Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your bank.
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite Company ABCDEF's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.
Sincerely,
XXXXXXXX
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's somethin your mommy and daddy probably call each other all the time."
Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Spit 'em out, they're assholes!"
8)
When you lose something, why do you always find it in the last place you look?
Because you stop looking as soon as you find it.
A little town in southern Illinois had a sensational birth rate, and scientists decided to visit the place and find out the cause. So the sociologists, anthropologists, birth control specialists and other concerned scientists moved to the town prepared to do a six-month study of the causes of the town's high birth rate.
The day the research testing and all was to begin, the director of the million-dollar project stopped off at the single cafe in town and ordered coffee. When the waiter delivered his drink, the scientist detained him for a moment and asked, "Can you give me an idea was to why your town, above all others in this country, has such a high birth rate?"
The waiter thought a moment, then said, "I think I can. You see, every morning at 4:00, the C&A Railroad comes through town and blows its whistle at all three street crossings. That wakes up the folks here and, as you can guess, it's too darn late to go back to sleep and too darn early to get up."
I just invented a new word -- Plagiarism ;D
The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the cowboy moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied.... "The balcony."
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me...."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
Why does a leprechaun wear three condoms?
To be sure, to be sure, to be sure
EVER WONDER
-
- Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
-
- Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
-
- Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
-
- Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
-
- Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
-
- Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
-
- Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
- made with real lemons?
-
- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
-
- Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
-
- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
-
- When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
-
- Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
-
- Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
-
- You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
- don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
-
- Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
-
- Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
-
- If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
-
- If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Management words:
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, and then leaves.
Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.
Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property, and no regrets.
Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in class; the rest were just tourists."
Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.
Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the Alpha Geek around here.
Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
Chips and Salsa: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa."
Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
GOOD job: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of attacking an electronic device to get it to work again.
Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a Vice President at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.
Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand positions required to reach all the appropriate keys for commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.
I just told Mrs Dog she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised .
I tried to catch fog yesterday. Mist.
Now someone stole my mood ring, I just don't know how I feel about that.
8)
Two old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a flasher comes by and opens his trench coat right in front of them.
The first old lady has a stroke… But the second can’t reach that far.
Murphy's Laws on Work
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.
There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...).
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People are always available for work in the past tense.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
The longer the title, the less important the job.
Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.
Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.
Ancient humans, venturing across the ice bridge to North America, got lost quite often. They found it very hard to keep their Bering Strait.
Kay Nein's English Bulldog, Og, had just been awarded "ËœBest in Show' and she felt a celebratory ice cream from Calabash's Frozen Doggie Treats was in order; however, what she had intended to be a single scoop in a cup quickly evolved into a glop of every flavor available - leading Kay to comment, "It's a mishmash, Calabash, give Og a cone!"Â
Thanks to fossils, archaeologists have been able to determine that there once a genetic mutation millions of year ago, causing the creation of a five-legged dinosaur.
As far as we know, this is the first evidence we have ever seen of a reptile dysfunction.
:o
I asked a librarian if she was free this afternoon, she said she was all booked up.
A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises.
"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes."
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.
Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25 cents."
"Why not," thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents," The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his penis into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for 2 weeks.
When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony.
Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his penis Which now had a button sewed on the tip.
::)
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of doges who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of doges who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the dog in the kitchen."
;D
Dog = B*tch with auto correct :o
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."
"Yeah what happened?" asked his friend.
The first guy replies, "Well, er, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."
:o
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.
What is the breed of canine that easily forgets his place on the trail? Wherewolf
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
What did the razor blade say to the razor? Schick 'em up!
What's musical and handy in a supermarket? A Chopin Liszt.
;D
Dave was the vice-president of ACME inc. One day the president,Mr. Smith called him into his office.He told Dave that they had to make some cutbacks and either Jack or Barb would have to be laid off.
Dave looked at mr Smith and said " Barb is my best worker, butJack has a wife and three kids. I don't know who to fire."
"I'll tell you what to do. Fire the first one of them who comes in to work tomorrow" Mr. Smith replied.
The next morning Dave waited for either Jack or Barb to show up.Barb was the first to arrive. Dave said to her "Barb I've got a problem."
"Really? What's wrong?" Barb replied.
"Well you see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?"
Barb replied, "Jack off! I've got a headache." :o
A guy walks into a bathroom, sits down, and notices three buttons in front of him marked, WW, WA, and ATR. Curiosity gets the better of him so he decides to press WW. Suddenly, warm water sprays up his rear. “Mmmm,†he says to himself. “That was good.†So he presses WA and a jet of warm air dries his backside. “Mmmm. Nice!†So finally he can’t resist pressing the ATR button. The next thing he knows, he is waking up in a hospital ward just as the nurse is entering the room. “Nurse, Nurse! Where am I? What happened?†The nurse replies, “You must have missed the sign to not press the ATR button.†“What does ATR mean exactly?†says the guy. “Automatic Tampon Remover. Your testicles are under your pillow.â€
They arrested a man for passing himself off as the comedian named Seinfeld....the charge was playjerism.
What Disney movie is about a gal who couldn't rise above a housecleaning position? The Little Mere Maid
I used to be a banker, but lost interest in the work.
What do you get if you cross a bullet and a tree with no leaves? A cartridge in a bare tree.
She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
Grade change form
Date:
Dear Professor,
My grade in ____ should be raised from _____ to ____ because:
1. There must be a mistake somewhere.
2. I was not well at the time of the examination.
3. My mind always goes blank during an examination.
4. This mark ruined my prospect of getting a scholarship.
5. This is the only course in which I received a poor grade
6. This mark grieved my mother (or Father). whose pride I am.
7. Conditions in the room were not conductive to concentration.
8. The examination was unfair and unfairly distributed over the subject
9. I have to work after school and nights; therefore I should be given a break.
10. I am married; therefore, I should be given a break.
11. I would have done much better if I had taken the examination give to one of the other sections.
12. Several people around me copied from my paper during the examination yet they received higher marks than I did. Surely this is not fair.
13. The reason I did not do better is because I am very honest. I do no wish to say anything against any other members of the class.
14. I know many of the class members who do not work as hard as I do an who got a better grade. I am recognized among my classmates as a good student - you just ask any one of them.
15. The question were ambiguous, and therefore, my answers should be graded according to the reasonable interpretations that I made of your questions.
16. Many of the questions could not be answered with straight facts; they were matters of opinion. I do not believe I should be penalize just because my opinions differ from those of the instructor.
17. I have studied this subject from the broad philosophical viewpoint and therefore, I was unable to answer your technical-based question
18. I am philosophically oriented to the realm of ideas; I respond to the sweep and scope of great intellects. My work is beyond the interest in petty details and parrot-like memorizing of those who are merely students
19. At the time of the exam, I was suffering from a severe case of cognitive dissonance and was incapable of coping with the stress of the hour.
20. It is not a higher mark I seek; I care nothing about marks; I think marks are wicked and I disapprove of them. However, this pernicious system of which I am a victim requires marks for achieving success and therefore, I seek a higher mark.
Thank you,
Name:
There was an old country sheriff who always said, "It could have been worse." No matter what happened, the old sheriff always had the same answer: "It could have been worse."
One day, two deputies in the sheriff's office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.
"No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."
"You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say "it could have been worse."
"No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn't be worse. You're on."
About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side. "No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself." After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse."
The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farm- house, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse!"
"Yes it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed."
;D
You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When......
You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?", you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox.
A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn". Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife.
While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.
You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.
You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?".
You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. You're in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there. 8)
And the Lord said unto John, " Come forth and you will receive Eternal Life"
But John came fifth, and won a toaster :o
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg
I just failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a simple stage direction. >:(
My copy of the script clearly said: 'Enter Juliet from the rear.'
My wife says she's leaving me because of my obsession with Dream Team
In my defence, I have Hibberd; Smith; Shaw; Harbrow; Newnes and the rookies
8)
Quote from: T Dog on January 23, 2015, 12:33:34 PM
My wife says she's leaving me because of my obsession with Dream Team
In my defence, I have Hibberd; Smith; Shaw; Harbrow; Newnes and the rookies
8)
Ok of all the jokes in this thread, this is clearly the one we can all relate to the most. Therefore, the funniest. Brilliant!
Quote from: PowerBug on January 23, 2015, 01:11:13 PM
Quote from: T Dog on January 23, 2015, 12:33:34 PM
My wife says she's leaving me because of my obsession with Dream Team
In my defence, I have Hibberd; Smith; Shaw; Harbrow; Newnes and the rookies
8)
Ok of all the jokes in this thread, this is clearly the one we can all relate to the most. Therefore, the funniest. Brilliant!
Thanks PB ;D
hahaha just more gold from the Dawg
Quote from: T Dog on January 22, 2015, 01:08:49 PM
And the Lord said unto John, " Come forth and you will receive Eternal Life"
But John came fifth, and won a toaster :o
I love this one!
Quote from: Nige on January 23, 2015, 07:26:51 PM
Quote from: T Dog on January 22, 2015, 01:08:49 PM
And the Lord said unto John, " Come forth and you will receive Eternal Life"
But John came fifth, and won a toaster :o
I love this one!
Thanks Big Nige ;D
Alert....Police raided Kermits lily pad and found 100s of nude pictures of Miss Piggy.
They said it was the worst case of frogs porn ever seen.
::)
How many ears does Spock have?
Three - a left ear, a right ear and a Final Front Ear...
How many ears did Davy Crockett have?
Three: His left ear, his right ear & his wild front ear.
(Yes, I know, I'm showing my age. Deal with it ...)
::)
Apparently my sister is into bestiality. Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.
:o
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says.
"You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"
"Nine!"
:o
Have you got bills to pay? If you do, please give it back. He looks silly bald.
think about it ;D
Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up. He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-side-down, so he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.
He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen, but he won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes. He leads Fr. Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."
"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy.
"Oh my Lord," says Father Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a miracle... No... Wait... It's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round; to interview you, take photographs, and so on..."
A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.
Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.
"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Something has definitely happened which cannot be explained by Earthly means. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle and all other explanations must be ruled out. And so, unfortunately for that very reason, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle' because they think that Murphy may have simply buttered the toast on the wrong side!"
Did you hear about the movie “Constipation� … It never came out…
“Your honor,†a defense attorney began, “I have a series of witnesses that can testify that Mr. Johnson was nowhere near the scene of the crime when it occurred.â€
The judge looked at the defense table and said, “This is the third time you’ve been in this court room this week, and I’m getting sick of hearing your lies.â€
The defendant stood up with a confused expression and said, “Your honor, you must be mistaken. I’ve never been here in my life.â€
Waving his finger, the judge replied, “I was referring to your lawyer.â€
;D
What Your Profession Says?
1. MARKETING - You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
2. SALES - Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
3. TECHNOLOGY - Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
4. ENGINEERING - One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."
5. ACCOUNTING - The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
6. HUMAN RESOURCES - Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.
7. MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT - Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in you social circle is a "Middle Manager."
8. SENIOR MANAGEMENT - (See above - Same sign, different title)
9. CUSTOMER SERVICE - Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.
10. CONSULTANT - Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.
11. RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER" - As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.
12. PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO - You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.
13. GOVERNMENT WORKER - Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job... 8)
Why are meteorologists always nervous? Their future is always up in the air.
Quote from: T Dog on January 28, 2015, 06:23:58 PM
Why are meteorologists always nervous? Their future is always up in the air.
Tee-rrific
Casual Fridays
Week 1 - Memo No. 1
Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.
Week 3 - Memo No. 2
Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.
Week 6 - Memo No. 3
Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.
Week 8 - Memo No. 4
A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory.
Week 9 - Memo No. 5
As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress.
Week 14 - Memo No. 6
The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30-page manual entitled "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards." A copy has been distributed to every employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.
Week 18 - Memo No. 7
Our Employee Assistant Plan (EAP) has now been expanded to provide support for psychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting to Casual Day.
Week 20 - Memo No. 8
Due to budget cuts in the HR Department we are no longer able to effectively support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day will be discontinued, effective immediately.
8)
Luv it Tdog so close to the bone these days.
I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried it for a spell.
There was once a man named Odd. People made fun of him because of his name so he decided to keep his gravestone blank when he died.
Now when people pass by the burial site, they point and say, "That's odd."
I just got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool. The lifeguard yelled at me so loud, I nearly fell in. :o
Australian Computer Terminology. Getting ready for Broadband in the bush !!
LOGON : Adding wood to make the barbie hotter
LOG OFF : Not adding any more wood to the barbie.
MONITOR : Keeping an eye on the barbie.
DOWNLOAD : Getting the firewood off the ute.
HARD DRIVE : Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
KEYBOARD : Where you hang the ute keys.
WINDOWS : What you shut when the weather's cold.
SCREEN : What you shut in the mozzie season.
BYTE : What mozzies do.
MEGABYTE : What Townsville mozzies do.
CHIP : A pub snack.
MICROCHIP : What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
MODEM : What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP : Where the cat sleeps.
SOFTWARE : Plastic knives and forks you get at Red Rooster.
HARDWARE : Stainless steel knives and forks - from K-Mart.
MOUSE : The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME : What holds the shed up.
WEB : What spiders make.
WEBSITE : Usually in the shed or under the verandah.
SEARCH ENGINE : What you do when the ute won't go.
CURSOR : What you say when the ute won't go.
YAHOO : What you say when the ute does go.
UPGRADE : A steep hill.
SERVER : The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
MAIL SERVER : The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
USER : The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
NETWORK : What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
INTERNET : Where you want the fish to go.
NETSCAPE : What the fish do when they discover a hole in the net.
ONLINE : Where you hang the washing.
OFFLINE : Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.
The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....Hell is waiting for you.
To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.
To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.
To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.
A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. "Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!" The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!"
:o
There is a story about monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several 100 feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket, which was pulled to the top by several monks, who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously, the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying.
One tourist got exceedingly nervous when he was half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed.
With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they change the rope.
The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."
::)
Did you hear about the blonde that called you for your phone number? ;D
Law of equality:
The time taken by a wife when she says I'll get ready in 5 minutes is exactly equal to the time taken by husband when he says 'I'll call you in 5 minutes!
Law of Queue:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Law of Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy tone.
Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Bath Theorem:
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Bio mechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Theatre Rule:
People with the seats at the farthest from the entry arrive last.
Law of Proposal:
After you accept a proposal you will get a better one...
Law of getting late:
When you reach early for something it will never start on time.
8)
Two southern ladies are sitting at the country club by the pool. The first southern lady says, "When I had my first child, my husband bought me a diamond ring." The second lady says, "Well, isn't that nice."
The first lady says, "When my second child was born, my husband took me on a cruise." The second lady says, ''well isn't that nice The first lady continues, "When my third child was born, my husband took me on a trip around the world." And the second lady says, once again, "Well, isn't that nice."
The first lady asks, "Well, what did your husband get you when your first child was born?" The second lady repiles, "My husband sent me to finishing school." The first lady asks, "Well why did he do that?" And the second lady says, "So I could learn to say ‘Well isn't that nice,’ instead of ‘F**K YOU’!"
::)
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Newsflash :o
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
8)
Ancient orators tended to Babylon. ;D
MODERN LOVE LETTER
Dearest Samantha,
I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since Tuesday, the 13th of January 2015.
With reference to the meeting held between us on the 13th of January 2015 at 1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of no less than three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.
Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous relationship training and relationship appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account.
I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be canceled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.
Thanking you in anticipation.
Yours sincerely, Max
MODERN REPLY TO MODERN LOVE LETTER
Dear Max,
Please refer to your letter dated today. I am pleased to inform you that I hope to accept your proposal for romance.
However, you should be informed that there are certain conditions of acceptance. Promotional prospects are to my satisfaction. However, please enlighten me as to your retirement benefits. Gratuity should be generous.
I also need to be assured that there is sufficient security with regards to this commitment. If there is any chance at all of retrenchment or consequent disinterest on your part, then I should receive monetary compensation according to union standards.
Due to the nature of my position, I am sure you will agree that an expense account should be arranged for my access in light of the 'VIP'. I shall be entertaining. In addition, housing and transport allowances should be in order and nothing less than a Jaguar is in order.
Please also note that there should be no moonlighting restrictions placed on myself. If you are still interested in the relationship, please reply on an urgent basis as other prospective lovers have sent indications of interest.
Please also note that my sister is happily employed.
Yours perhaps, Samantha!
8)
I used to be a marathon runner, but couldn't stand the agony of de feet.
Show me someone in denial and I'll show you a person in Egypt up to their ankles. ;D
At risk of offending fellow fossils out there......
Why do bald men have holes in there pockets???
So they can run their fingers through their hair ::)
These four classified ads appeared in a Gujarati newspaper on four Consecutive days. The last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.
MONDAY:
For sale - SK Shah has a sewing machine for sale. Phone 92555-00707 after 7PM and ask for Mrs. Mani who lives with him cheap.
TUESDAY:
Notice: We regret having erred in SK Shah's ad yesterday. It should have read - 'One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 2555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Mani, who lives with him after 7PM.'
WEDNESDAY:
Notice: SK Shah has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the Classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: 'For sale - SK Shah has a sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 92555-00707 after 7PM and ask for Mrs. Mani who loves with him.'
THURSDAY:
Notice: I, SK Shah, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 92555-00707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Mani. Until yesterday, she was my housekeeper but she quit.
8)
Did not know where to post this but is well worth a read:
http://nowhiring.com.au/591555+job+prime+minister+of+australia+act.aspx
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse." "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere." ::)
For Toro Doc ;D
Dr. Drobkin was a world-famous cardiologist who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his hometown and then left for Manhattan where he quickly rose to the top of his field.
Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference held in his hometown. He walked on stage, placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor.
As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the lecture room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his hometown again.
Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Cohen and arrived under cover of darkness.
The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Cohen?"
Dr. Drobkin replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here, received my education here, but then moved away."
"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.
"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."
The clerk consoled him, "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."
Dr. Drobkin replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my embarrassment."
"Was it a long time ago?"
"Yes, many years."
The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Drobkin Fart?"
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Two high school students are digging a ditch in the hot summer and they're complaining about it non-stop.
"Sheesh, this is hard work. I hate this job!"
"Yeah. How come we're down here working our asses off, and the foreman is up there sitting under a shady tree with a cool drink, and making 3 times as much as us? It's not fair!"
"That's it! I'm sick of this! I'm gonna go ask him!"
So the guy climbs out of the ditch and goes up to the foreman under the shady tree.
"How come we're down there working our asses off in the burning hot sun, while you sit up here under this shady tree with a cool drink?"
The foreman says, "Well, it comes down to one word: Intelligence."
"Whaddya mean, intelligence? You calling me stupid!?"
"Well, here. Let me show you."
So the foreman holds his hand up against the tree and says, "Punch my hand as hard as you can."
The guy figures, now's my chance for some payback! He winds up and swings at the foreman's hand as hard as he can, but at the last moment, the foreman yanks his hand away. The guy nearly breaks his hand smashing it against the tree.
"See what I mean?" the foreman says. "Intelligence."
"Alright. I get it." And he goes back to work with his hand throbbing in pain.
His buddy in the ditch asks him, "So whad he say?"
"He said we're slaving away down here because of intelligence!"
"Intelligence!? Is he calling us stupid!? What does he mean by that!?"
His buddy says, "Well here, let me show you."
Seeing no tree around, he holds up his hand in front of his face. "Take your shovel and hit my hand..."
8)
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
I used to be a blackjack host, but was offered a better deal. 8)
Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. ;)
I was thinking about moving to Moscow but there is no point Russian into things.
I dropped out of communism class due to bad Marx.
;D
The other day, someone called me an oxymoron.
I was raging calm. >:( ;D
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of chaps saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist pigs. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing. :)
Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
What city has the largest rodent population? Hamsterdam.
I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill.
What do you call a country where everyone drives a red car? A red carnation.
8)
Why do ENGINEERING students always prefer local author books than REFERENCE books???
The local author says:
'Jack & Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water, Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after'.
And REFERENCE BOOK says:
'2 humans ascended a certain geological protuberance to collect hydride of oxygen whose quantity is not specified. One member Jack, of rapid irregular disturbing movements encounters fatal logical gravitational error leading to complete disarray. Other member named Jill whose scope lies within disarray, descends down the geographical protuberance at an acceleration, whose magnitude is controlled by the force of gravity.' !!!
8)
They arrested the monkey for throwing Rhesus feces at zoo attendants. His charge? Turd debris assault ;D
think about it ;)
Two guys are drinking together at a bar and go into the bathroom. Standing at the latrine, Bill notices that his buddy is very well endowed.
"Wasn't always that way," the buddy says. "It's a transplant. I had it done over on Harley Street. It cost a thousand bucks, but as you can see, it's well worth every cent."
So Bill visits the doctor on Harley Street that day. Six months later, the two guys meet up again at the bar. Bill explains, "I took your advice, but you were robbed. I got mine for $500, not a thousand."
They go back to the restroom to compare. "No wonder," his buddy says, "That's my old one!".
:o
They arrested my local bartender for taking liquor home. I believe the official charge was "emboozlement."
I had a near death experience the other day :'(
'I farted in the bath and nearly drowned trying to smell it'
???
On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"
"Vegan" - comes from an old Native American word meaning poor hunter.
A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Collingwood and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Collingwood fan. She asks her students to
raise their hands if they, too, are Collingwood fans.
Everyone in
the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn’t you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Collingwood fan,†she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a
Collingwood fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I'm a Richmond fan, and proud of it," Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears.
"Mary, why are you a Richmond fan?" My mum and dad were born and raised in Richmond, so my mum is a Richmond fan and my dad is a Richmond fan, and so I'm a Richmond fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Richmond fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was in jail, your dad was a drug dealer and your brother was a car thief, what would you be then?"
"Then," Mary said, "I'd be a Collingwood fan."
;D ;D
The truth about supercoach this year
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bdH8qj32LY8
Quote from: Jacka33 on February 13, 2015, 05:56:29 PM
The truth about supercoach this year
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bdH8qj32LY8
hahahhahaha terrific
when DT goes wrong..
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_zkiwCjvUIM
What do you call a Collingwood supporter with half a brain?
Gifted.
Mom and Dad were taking young Billy for a walk through the park one sunny afternoon when all of a sudden, in the bushes a short distance away, Billy spots two dogs going at it. Billy says, "Daddy, what are they doing?" The dad responds after some quick thinking, "Why son, their making a puppy."
Later that night Billy was thirsty and got out of bed to get a glass of water. As he walked by his mom and dad's room, he heard a noise and looked in only to find them going at it. Billy shouts, "Daddy what are you doing?" The father, quite embarrassed, replies "Why Billy, we're making a baby." "Quick, turn her over..." declares Billy, "...I want a puppy!"
8)
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!)the light goes off when I'm done."
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said," George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?"
Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
8)
Did you hear about the blind circumciser?
He got the sack ...
:-[
What do you get when you drop boiling water down a rabbit hole? Hot cross bunnies.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine.
I guess that was why several of us died of tuberculosis.
;D
Why does the blonde throw breadcrumbs in the toilet every morning? -- To feed the toilet duck :o
Billy Manspeaker failed in the final Law Exam & decided to make a deal with the Professor.
BM: Sir, Can I ask you one question?
Professor: Yes.
BM: If you can answer this question, I will accept my final marks, if you cant, you will have to give me an "A" grading.
Professor agreed.
BM asked: What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical?
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give The student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.
The following day, Professor asked same question to his students. He was shocked when all of them raised their hands......
He asked one student - PK. He answered:
Sir, you are 65, married to a 28 yrs old woman, this is legal but not logical. Your wife, is having an affair with a 17 year old boy, this is logical but not legal. Your wife's boyfriend has failed in his exam & yet you have given him an "A", this is neither logical nor legal
8)
Santa Claus , the tooth fairy, an intelligent Collingwood fan, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a $100.00 note. Who gets it?
The drunk, of course ; the other three are mythical creatures. ;)
There is a Gold Coast psychiatrist that has a thriving practice, particularly during the football season. He tried an idea-association test on a patient and asked her what came to mind when she thought of something brown, firm and had smooth curves. " A football" said the patient immediately. "Good. And what comes to mind when two arms slide around your waste?" "An illegal tackle" was the instant reply. "Now picture a firm set of thighs" "a full back!" "Top marks" said the psychiatrist. "Your answers are perfectly normal. You would be surprised by some of the silly answers I get."
8)
I am not a racist, but.....
How do you kill a wog at the beach?
Set fire to the oil slick.
Four catholic ladies were having coffee...The first catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'.
The second catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third catholic crone says "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'".
Since the fourth catholic woman sips her coffee calmly, and says "My son is 6'2", he's loaded with dough,...got broad square shoulders... terribly handsome... dresses very well... tight muscular body... tight hard buns... and a very nice bulge... and whenever he walks into a room... women gasp, 'Oh, my God...'."
8)
An office with many people and few electrical outlets could be in for a power struggle.
On the surface of things whales are always blowing it.
Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive on Valentines Day by 90 percent....
Wedding cake.
;D
KB's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road.
"I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the old 'out of petrol' routine."
"No," said KB, " I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."
"The 'here after' routine... what's that?" she wanted to know.
"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone!" he replies. 8)
What if there were no hypothetical situations?
just wondering ::)
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
no seriously :)
Last night me and Mrs Dog watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. 8)
A gynecologist who had lost interest in his medical practice decided to change careers and enrolled in auto mechanic school.
He performed well in the course but was still shocked when he got an off-the-chart 200 on his final exam. He asked the instructor to explain the grade.
"I gave you 50 points for taking the engine apart correctly," the teacher said, "50 points for putting it back together correctly -- and an extra 100 points for doing it all through the muffler."
:o
Finally, a friend's husband has decided that, at the ripe old age of 48, he needs to get into shape. They went to the gym where a trainer asked him if he could do the splits. 'Of course I can't', he answered. 'How flexible are you?' she asked. To which he replied 'Well, I can't do Tuesdays.'
;D
My window just fell into the incinerator, it was a pane in the ash to retrieve.
ALZHEIMERS' EYE TEST
Count every " F " in the following text:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...
(SEE BELOW)
HOW MANY ?
WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke.
READ IT AGAIN !
Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down.
The reasoning behind is further down.
The brain cannot process "OF".
Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!
Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.
Three is normal, four is quite rare.
Send this to your friends.
It will drive them crazy.!
And keep them occupied
For several minutes..!
(http://i1302.photobucket.com/albums/ag128/therings1/PoleJoke_zps57515dd2.jpg)
Thought you would enjoy this
I'm sitting here wondering how I missed that above. I was looking and pointing at each word...
flower that F thing got me
Quote from: Bill Manspeaker on February 20, 2015, 09:12:34 PM
flower that F thing got me
Could use a Tbag cliche. Is a pretty standard test these days and I picked 5 straight away because of the fact I know you overlook the f in of usually when reading.
What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws, and a comma has a pause at the end of its clause.
8)
Wow that F thing stunned me, had never realised that before, nice one!
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong. :'(
What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts? Annette.
A couple were celebrating their 25th anniversary at their house.
Suddenly the husband asks his wife: "dear, I love you so much, and to honor our special day I want to give you whatever you want. just name it".
The wife thinks a little bit and then says: "Well, actually I do have this sudden urge for some snails..."
So the husband leaves for this local deli and buys a lot of snails.
On the way back he sees this gorgeous blond, who invites him to her house. He follows her and they have sex for hours. Suddenly he sees this bucket of snails waiting for him near the entrance and remembers that his wife is still waiting.
He starts running like crazy carrying the bucket in his arm. seconds before his angry wife opens the door he hears her nervous steps and drops the bucket, so that all the snails are scattered around the floor.
When his wife opens the door and sees him with all the snails, he says:
"Come on boys, just a few more steps, you can make it..."
A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way. ;D
Mr. Greenberg was an illiterate immigrant, but he worked hard, saved his pennies, and started a small business. It did well, and soon he had enough money to send for the wife and children. The work kept him very busy, so he never had time to learn to write, but the bank was happy to do business with him, even though his signature consisted of two X's.
He prospered, he opened more stores, the kids were transferred to private schools, the family moved into a fancy house (with one staircase going nowhere just for show) you get the idea.
One day his banker, Mr. Smith, asked him to drop by.
"So vat's the problem? Greenberg asked, a bit anxiously.
Smith waved a bunch of cheques at him. "Perhaps nothing, he said, "but I wanted to be on the safe side. These recent cheques of yours are all signed with 3 X's, but your signature of record has just 2.
Greenberg looked embarrassed. "I'm sorry about making trouble, he said, "but my wife said that since I'm now such a high-class rich guy, I should have a middle name!"
:o
What Disney movie is about a gal who couldn't rise above a housecleaning position?
The Little Mere Maid
I used to be a butler, but found the work wasn't my cup of tea.
An old but still ruggedly handsome Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!? I mean, no sex since 1955!?"
Feeling charitable and a little bit drunk, she took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
What's the motto of the ghoul's convention?
The morgue the merrier. ;D
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the Top Ten finalists:
1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)
2. "What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant manager, Delco Corporation)
6. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
9. We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
10. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards)
:o
U R 6 C I 1 2 4 Q
::)
Some people have too much time on their hands ;D
I shot my first chicken today. Scared the shower out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" "Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!" "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them." "But, I did send them." "What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously. "Yes. That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer. "It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."
I thought a thought. But the thought I thought wasn’t the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought, I wouldn’t have thought so much.
:o
Go Pies, Go Hard
Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and ex President Clinton all get caught up in a tornado and finally land in the Emerald City of Oz. They are finally allowed to visit the great and powerful wizard and Dan Quayle says "I've had a tough time getting by in Washington and I think I'd like to have a brain". Newt Gingrich speaks next and says "I've heard all they say about me and my conservative politics and I'd like to have a heart." Ex President Clinton speaks last and says "I'll just take Dorothy."
8)
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2015 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE.
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH.
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME.
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER.
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN).
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS.
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR:
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH.
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET.
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED.
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY.
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
;D ;D ;D
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block ;D
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
"What's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the woodwork teacher asked Judi, the only girl in the woodwork class during the first day of school. Judi pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, I can't rightly say as I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'." 8)
Wanted to get the mrs a Koala as a birthday present - thought I might try gumtree,
Two blondes decide to go duck hunting. Neither one of them has ever been duck hunting before and after several hours they still haven't bagged any.
One hunter looks at the other and says, "I just don't understand it - why aren't we getting any ducks?"
Her friend says, "I keep telling you, I just don't think we're throwing the dog high enough."
Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.
The parish was very poor and the priest tried everything he could to raise money. But the Bingo games didn't work, the spaghetti dinners & pancake breakfasts didn't work, he even tried raffling an old Ford and that didn't help. So the priest though of trying out horse racing. He went to a horse auction and saw that the good horses were way too expensive for a poor parish, so he settled on a little donkey that was standing in the corner.
He was a man of God, he had faith, and ran the donkey. It came in third. There was a little headline in the Racing Form next morning, PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS.
The next race the donkey won, and the headline read, PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT.
The bishop of the diocese said that the priest had better stop racing the donkey so the church could avoid bad publicity. The next days headline read BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS and the bishop was livid! He sent a message to stop racing NOW, get rid of the donkey, didn't even want the beast at the rectory.
So the priest gave the donkey to the mother superior of the convent down the road. The headline read NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN and the bishop passed out in his cornflakes.
The nun was so torn up with guilt that she sold the donkey to a farmer just outside town. The headline read NUN SELLS HER ASS FOR TEN DOLLARS. They buried the bishop the next day.
;D
The word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary.
Young boy hated getting picked up from school every day when he hopped into the car it would be give us kiss , not in front of my mates he would say and he thought to himself I know how to fix this .
The next day when hopped into the car give us a kiss and he slipped the tongue in and that was the last time dad ever picked him up from school .
Economist: A discount fog. :o
A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.
"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.
"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"
The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means 'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"
::)
I tried looking for gold, but it didn't pan out.
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
My cavity wasn't fixed by my regular dentist, but by a guy who was filling in.
The human jawbone of the first known human found in Ethiopia has been confirmed as a female and not a male. When asked how they could be so sure a spokesman said,
"It was open. "
:o
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless, and, so easy to see happening - customer service being what it is today. A lady died this past December, and the bank billed her for January and February for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:
Family Member: I am calling to tell you she died back in January.
Citibank: The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.
Family Member: Maybe you should turn it over to collections.
Citibank: Since it is two months past due, it already has been.
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?
Citibank: Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!
Family Member: Do you think God will be mad at her?
Citibank: Excuse me?
Family Member: Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?
Citibank: Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.
Citibank: The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.
Family Member: You mean you want to collect from her estate?
Citibank: (Stammer) Are you her lawyer?
Family Member: No, I'm her great nephew. (Lawyer info was given)
Citibank: Could you fax us a certificate of death?
Family Member: Sure. (Fax number was given)
After they get the fax:
Citibank: Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.
Family Member: Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.
Citibank: Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.
(What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member: Would you like her new billing address?
Citibank: That might help....
Family Member: Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.
Citibank: Sir, that's a cemetery!
Family Member: And what do you do with dead people on your planet???
;D
Girls who don't get asked out as often as their friends could feel out-dated
Greeting cards are getting expensive, so why not design your very own Hallmark Moment with some of these sayings:
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never believed in Hell till I met you."
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the heck was I thinking?"
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life! I never new what evil was before this!"
"Money is tight, times are hard, here's your @#$/& Christmas card!!!"
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with breasts that are bigger than mine."
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating barbie!"
;D
My friends bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
;D
Dave and his wife, Anne, were driving home one very cold night in South Australia, when Anne yells at him to stop the car. Anne jumps out and picks up a little bundle that was laying in the road. She brings it back to the car and it turns out it was a skunk. It was barely alive, but very cold.
Anne says, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
DAVE SAYS, "OKAY, GET IN THE CAR WITH IT."
"WHERE SHALL I PUT IT TO KEEP IT WARM?
"PUT IT BETWEEN YOUR LEGS. IT OUGHT TO BE NICE AND WARM THERE."
ANNE SAYS, "BUT WHAT ABOUT THE SMELL?"
"JUST HOLD HIS LITTLE NOSE."
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground, when he finally gets himself to the doctor.
He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.
She says, "You are my FIRST, no one has ever touched these breasts."
He whips down his pants and says... " Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!" :o
Karen was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in her favour, as Karen had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.
Karen agreed to return the following day. Karen was nervous as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow."
"Relax honey," her husband, Grazz, reassured her, "It will all be OK."
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Grazz grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Karen asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon."
After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Grazz returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"
"What is it?" she cried excitedly.
"OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " The couple went to sleep with Karen, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.
At 3:30 a.m., however, Karen was shaken awake by Grazz, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Karen replied groggily before returning to sleep. Grazz asked her again in the
morning, this time as Karen was brushing her teeth. Once again, Karen replied correctly.
So it was that Karen was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Karen and asked the big question.
"Karen, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."
"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously.
"Very good. Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?"
"Very good! Four seconds."
"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning ..."
"That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!!"
An ambassador from a small African nation visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it's time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."
This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.
The African ambassador was impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.
When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette". He then led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women.
The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral s*x take your pick".
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador whispered in his ear:
"One of them is a CANNIBAL."
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night.
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, John, what was your toast?" John Said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John," Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised myself! You know, he's only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet.
His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off.
Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating.
"How come you are sweating?" he asks.
The parrot replies, "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?"
A little old lady walks into Bank of America and asks to open a savings account. The new accounts receptionist first thinks this is strange, probably because everyone is leaving them for credit unions now. At any rate, the accounts person asks her how much she wanted to deposit to open the account, and the little old lady replies, "Three million dollars." The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash. I've got it right here in this bag..."
The accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff with big denominations. In light of this highly unusual event, the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank involved. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money. She says, "Gambling."
"Gambling?", he says. "What sort of gambling?"
"Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I've got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I'll even give you 10:1 odds. You got $10,000 you'd be willing to wager on that?" The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of Bank of America without knowing a thing or two about money. "I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you... there's just no way you could win that bet!" The little old lady just shook the bag and said, "I know what I'm doing... and I can afford to lose! Is it a bet?"
"OK, have it your way", said the president, and they shook hands on it." See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning", said the little old lady, and with that she left.
Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He'd gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal. When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won. "Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?" said the president. "He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?"
"No, perfectly understandable", said the president. "Well, it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win!" he said happily.
"Not so fast!" said the little old lady. "For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please, drop your pants!"
The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question. "OK, you win, here's your $100,000," says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.
"What's wrong with him?" asks the bank president.
"Oh, he's just upset... sore loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of Bank of America by the balls by noon today!"
Chronic illegal parkers suffer from parking zones disease.
Yes, I’m tired. For several years I’ve been blaming it on getting older, lack of sleep, weekend projects, stale office air, poor nutrition, carrying extra pounds, raising a family, recent colds, and a dozen other reasons that make you wonder why life is getting rough. .
But now I found out what’s really happening! I’m tired because I’m overworked. The population of the USA reached 300 million last October. 79 million of the population are retired. That leaves 221 million to do the work. There are 19 million toddlers and 76 million students in schools, which leaves 126 million to do the work. Of that total, 21 million are unemployed leaving 105 million to do the work.
Then you take away 34 million in hospitals and that leaves 71 million to do the work. 43 million are in prisons and that’s 28 million left to do the work. Now take away 14,683,468 federal, 5,344,722 state and 5,370,743 city workers who run our government and you’re left with 2,601,067 to do the work. Take away the 2,601,065 people in the armed forces and that leaves just two people to do the work - You and Me! And you’re just sitting there reading this!
No wonder I’m tired!!!
The wife's been reading all the words beginning with 'S' in the dictionary!
I think she's up to something..
::)
think about it :)
When Mrs Dog told me I was average, she was just being mean.
;D
What do you call a man who drinks and falls off his horse?
The wine-stoned cowboy. ::)
A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to HR.
Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.
The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice"?
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf."
???
Not really a joke. Everyone makes makes mistakes as we know but some are much worse than others.
Just read this in an advertising brochure:
"Sh*t to Ship transfers included"
A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?" God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live." Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?" God replied, "Shirley! I didn't recognize you!"
What did the blonde take to the super bowl?
A spoon!
8)
How about the man who ran through a screen door? He strained himself.
:o
A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.
"Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner, "I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctivly crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap the handcuffs on"
"Ok, got it." the homeowner replied. "But whats that shotgun for?"
"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla," the man said, "shoot the Chihuahua."
Why name hurricanes lame names, like Sandy? Name that shower Hurricane Death Megatron 300 and I guarantee everyone would be evacuating like they need to.
What's the motto of the ghoul's convention? The morgue the merrier.
Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
:o
There are two rules for success:
1.) Don't tell all you know.
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."
Are we just saying these things to put the other person at ease?
1. I’ll be there in 5 minutes!
Meaning: I’m running late, I should take approximately 20-30 minutes. I’m not telling you the approximate time because I know you’ll freak out.
2. I’ve been waiting an hour!
Meaning: I have actually waited 5 to 10 minutes. I’m putting emphasis on an hour so you feel guilty for wasting my time.
3. I should be home soon
Meaning: I’m still in office/wherever I am. I have no idea when I’m reaching home.
4. I’m fine. How are you?
Meaning: I’m not fine and I know you don’t give a damn so I’m not going to bother telling you the details. I really don’t care how you are; it’s just social convention after all.
5. It should be ready by this evening
Meaning: I’m being optimistic here so I don’t lose your trust. In all honesty I have no clue when I can get this work done.
6. Actually, that can’t be done
Meaning: Hell No! In Indian culture we are taught to make negative statements with a spoonful of sugar.
7. If you need anything, don’t hesitate to call
Meaning: I’m just being polite, chances are I won’t remember who you are when you call.
8. Don’t worry, I’ll talk with a few people and see what they can do
Meaning: You really need to calm down right now; I’m not a genie with a magic lamp.
8)
What is the difference between a frog and a cat?
A frog croaks all the time, a cat only nine times.
Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.
Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.
"Bob, Is that you?" Earl asked.
"Of course it me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
8)
It's better to love a short girl than not a tall.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
8)
ome newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.
They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."
Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
I used to be a tennis instructor, but it just wasn't my racket.
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."
What's Irish and sits in the sun?
Paddy O'Furniture.
esus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.
Seconds before the end, a bolt of lightning struck taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.
Satan is visibly upset, and cries, “I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out.â€
“Very well, then,†says God, “let us see if Jesus fared any better.â€
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He stutters, “But how?! I lost everything, yet
Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?!â€
God chuckles, “Jesus saves.â€
Reading while sunbathing makes you, well, red.
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient.
I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now un-needed tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form, that I weigh only 155 pounds.
Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower.
In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me... I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope.
::)
What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
Bugs Bunny.
8)
What do you call a skeleton in a mini skirt and sports bra?
Dead sexy. :o
I had a photographic memory but it never developed.
Woman: "Is there a problem officer?"
Officer: "Ma'am you were speeding."
Woman: "Oh, I see."
Officer: "Can I see your license please?"
Woman: "I'd give it to you, but I don't have one."
Officer: "Don't have one?"
Woman: "Lost it 4 times for drinking."
Officer: "I see, can I have your vehicle registration papers please?"
Woman: "I can't do that."
Officer: "why not?"
Woman: "I Stole this car and hacked up the owner."
Officer: "You what?"
Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."
The officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away from his car,and calls for back-up. within 5 minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
Senior Officer: "Ma'am could you step out of your vehicle please!"
woman: "Is there a problem officer?"
Senior Officer: "one of my men told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: "Murdered the owner!"
Senior Officer: "yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please.
The woman opens the trunk revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Senior Officer: "Is this your car ma'am"?
Woman: "Yes, here are my registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Senior Officer: "One of my men claims that you do not have a driver's license.
The woman digs into her bookbag and draws out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer looks quite puzzled as he glances at the license.
Senior Officer: "I'm sorry ma'am. One of my men claims that you didn't have a license, stole this car and murdered the owner."
Woman: "Betcha the lyin' barbie told you I was speeding too!"
oh that's brilliant. hahaha. so crazy it might work
Quote from: Bill Manspeaker on March 28, 2015, 05:01:25 PM
oh that's brilliant. hahaha. so crazy it might work
Give it a go Big Billy...let us know if it works ;D
What's the difference between a proctologist and a bartender?
The proctologist only handles one a**hole at a time.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four chin teller.
Mrs. Dog was bursting with pride.
"Did you hear about my husband T ?" she asked her hairdresser.
"No. What's with your T Dog?"
"He's going to a psychiatrist. Twice each week he's going to a psychiatrist."
"Is that good?"
"Of course, it's good. Two Hundred dollars an hour he pays, Two Hundred dollars! And all he talks about is me."
8)
What type of music appeals to most cheeses??
R n Brie!
8)
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted. ::)
Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
The Best Ways To Annoy People In An Elevator
1.Make race car noises when people get on and off.
2.Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3.Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, "Shut up dammit, all of you just SHUT UP!"
4.Whistle the first 7 notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5.Sell Girl Scout Cookies.
6.On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7.Shave.
8.Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"
9.Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear your upside-down.
10.Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11.When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12.Lean over to another passenger and whisper, "Ever had a Wet Willy?"
13.Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral."
14.One word: Flatulence!
15.On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16.Do Tai Chi exercises.
17.Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on."
18.When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now, d*mn motion sickness!"
19.Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20.Meow occasionally.
21.Bet the other passengers you can fit dollar coin in your nose.
22.Frown and mutter, "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
23.Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24.Sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" while continuously pushing buttons.
25.Holler, "Chutes away!!" whenever the elevator descends.
26.Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.
27.Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28.Burp, then say, "Mmmmm.....tasty!"
29.Leave a box between the doors.
30.Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31.Wear a hand puppet and talk to the other passengers "through" it.
32.Start a sing-along.
33.When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
34.Play the accordion.
35.Shadow box.
36.Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
37.Lean against the button panel.
38.Say, "I wonder what all these do?" and then push ALL the red buttons.
39.Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40.Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41.Bring a chair along.
42.Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh mouf??"
43.Blow spit bubbles.
44.Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45.Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."
46.Carry a blanket a clutch it protectively.
47.Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48.Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49.Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting bigger."
50.If anyone brushes against you, recoil fiercely and scream, "BAD TOUCH"
8)
A study recently concluded that licking the sweat from frogs can cure depression.
The bad news is that when you stop licking, the frog gets depressed again.
8)
I went to the doctors the this morning and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?'
So he gave me a kite. >:(
I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, "All right! All you dummies fall out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention.
The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow. I smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir?"
why was the tomato blushing?
it saw the salad dressing.
What do you give a person with water on the brain? A tap on the head.
A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.
I tried working in a bakery, but was told I wasn't "bread" for it.
What is the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Go Pies Go Hard ;D
2 Blondes having lunch on a park bench one sunny day when 1 blonde goes to the other 1 "lets play a game....if you can guess how many sandwiches I have in my lunch box I will give you the both of them"
Quote from: T Dog on April 05, 2015, 07:18:33 PM
2 Blondes having lunch on a park bench one sunny day when 1 blonde goes to the other 1 "lets play a game....if you can guess how many sandwiches I have in my lunch box I will give you the both of them"
hahahahahaha
A young fellow became marooned on a deserted South Pacific island after his cruise ship sank. For several years, he managed to live on fruits and vegetables he found on the island, together with shellfish and an occasional fish he was able to catch.
Then, one day as he was sitting on the beach, he saw an object approaching the island. As it got closer, he could see that it was a woman astride a barrel. When she finally managed to paddle the barrel ashore, he ran over to greet her, and noticed that she was a beautiful girl.
"Wow," he exclaimed, "I'm sure glad to see you!"
Noticing that his clothes were gone and he had quite a beard, she asked, "My goodness, how long have you been here by yourself?"
"Almost four years, I think" he replied.
She said "Well, I'm going to give you something you haven't had in a long time, and I'm sure you have missed."
"Well, hot damn!" he exclaimed, "Have you got beer in that barrel?"
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out.
The genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the administration clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." The genie snapped his fingers and poof, the woman disappeared.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." The genie once again snapped his fingers and poof, the man disappeared.
"OK, you're up," the genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
When a clock is still hungry, it goes back four seconds.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8)
I predict that in the future, Youtube,Twitter, and Facebook will merge to create one super time-wasting site called YouTwitFace.
;D
A gorgeous blonde was sitting at a bar when a very short guy walks up to her.
"Hi," he says. "I'm a leprechaun and I'm in a wonderful mood today. I'm going to grant three wishes for you."
"Hey, that's great! For my first wish I'd like a million dollars," she said.
The leprechaun waves his arms and says "Done. In the trunk of your car is a suitcase with one million dollars in it. What is your second wish?"
"For my second wish I'd like a fancy apartment on Fifth Avenue."
The leprechaun waves his arms again and says, "It's yours, and I even threw in the furnishings. Now, for your final wish."
The blonde replies, "I want a boyfriend who looks like a Greek god and is hung like a horse!"
"Done!" says the leprechaun. "He is waiting for you in the bed at your new apartment."
"Wow!! This was so nice of you! I've got to go see him right away!" and she jumps up from the bar stool.
"Hey, wait a minute!" the leprechaun says. Don't you think you owe me a small favor in return for everything I've given you?"
"Well...ok. What did you have in mind?" she asks.
"I think some oral sex would be a fair trade."
The blonde agrees, so they go over to a dark corner in the bar and she accomodates him. Afterwards, he says "By the way...how old are you, anyway?"
"I'm 25. Why do you ask?"
He replies, "You mean to tell me you are 25 years old and you still believe in leprechauns?"
Arrested for laughing
This is from an actual trial in the UK. :o
A young woman who was several months pregnant was sitting in a bus.
When she noticed a young man smiling at her,she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.
She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.She moved again and then on seeing him laughing more.
She filed a court case on him.
In the court the man said to judge in his defence was:
When the lady boarded the bus,I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant.
She sat under an advertisement,which read "Coming Soon- The unknown boon"..
I was even more amused when she then sat under a shaving advertisement,Which read:- "William's stick did the trick"..
Then I could not control myself any longer,
When on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident"..
The case was dismissed.
The judge fell off his chair laughing !
8)
When my boss told me this is the fifth time I'm late, I smiled and thought to myself, it's Friday!
I do not like work even when someone else does it.
Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.
A healthy nap not only makes me feel better, it also shortens the workday.
I work well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him.
Do you understand me?
There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn’t get out of her room.
“You can’t get out of your room?†the captain asked, “Why not?â€
The stewardess replied, “There are only three doors in here,†she cried, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, ‘Do Not Disturb’!â€
"My fantasy teams" ....A real joke >:(
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about all his employees well being asked sympathetically, “What’s the matter?â€
To which the blonde replies, “Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.â€
The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl. “Why don’t you go home for the day. We aren’t terribly busy, just take the day off to relax and rest.â€
The blonde very calmly states, “No, I’d be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.â€
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. “If you need anything just let me know.â€
Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her asking, “What’s so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?â€
“Noâ€, exclaims the blonde, “I just received a horrible call from my sister and she said that her mom died too!â€
What did the coach say to his losing team of snakes? You can't venom all.
;D
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.
When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.
“Why, that’s amazing!†the doctor says. “Did you follow my instructions?â€
The blonde nods.
“I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.â€
“From hunger, you mean?†asked the doctor.
“No, from skipping.â€
Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define “great†he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!â€
He now writes error messages for Microsoft Corporation.
I thought of becoming a candle maker, but I wasn't sure wick end was up.
After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant user called the system maker’s technical support line for assistance…
Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?
Customer: There’s smoke coming from the power supply on my computer…
Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply…
Customer: No, I don’t! I just need to change the startup files…
Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it…
Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command…
For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician’s efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded…
Technician: I’m sorry. We don’t normally tell our customers this, but there’s an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem…
Customer: I knew it!
Technician: Just add the line ‘LOAD NOSMOKE.EXE’ at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes…
About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the customer…
Customer: It didn’t work. The power supply is still smoking…
Technician: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
Customer: MS-DOS 6.22…
Technician: Well, that’s your problem. That version of DOS doesn’t include NOSMOKE. You’ll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out…
When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again…
Customer: I need a new power supply…
Technician: How did you come to that conclusion?
Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply…
Technician: What did he tell you?
Customer: He said my power supply isn’t compatible with NOSMOKE...
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, “The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars.â€
“Why does that parrot cost so much?†the man wondered.
The owner replied, “Well, it knows how to use a computer.â€
The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.
“That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.†Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.
“That one costs 2,000 dollars.â€
“And what does that one do?†the man asked.
The owner replied, “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!â€
I drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends. :(
Confucius say: Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient.
What is the world's most popular wine? I don’t like Brussels sprouts.
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard’s DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn’t solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow.
For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas.
After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, “Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?â€
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Tech Support: “I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.â€
Customer: “Ok.â€
Tech Support: “Did you get a pop-up menu?â€
Customer: “No.â€
Tech Support: “Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?â€
Customer: “No.â€
Tech Support: “Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?â€
Customer: “Sure, you told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click’.â€
::)
After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.
There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, 'I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star.'
Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, 'Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?'
Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.
'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.'
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later her son walked into the room in tears.
'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'
'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'
Dude walks into a pharmacy laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing. The pharmacist is perplexed but doesn't give it a second thought. The next day the same guy walks in laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing.
The pharmacist remembers the day before and starts to wonder what's up but not for too long because he has work to do.The next day the same guy walks in laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing. Now the pharmacist is intrigued as to what is going on with this guy so he arranges with his assistant to follow the guy and find out where he is going, should the man return.
Wouldn't you know it, The same guy comes back the next day, laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing.
The assistant followed him as per his orders and came back 20 minutes later. The eager pharmacist asked his assistant where the man went? The assistant said:
"Your house."
What Disney movie is about a stupid boyfriend?
Dumb Beau :)
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp 8)
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says: "You."
Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
8)
A sale representative stops at a small manufacturing plant. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift.
"No, thanks," says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once, but I didn't like it."
The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for a round of drinks.
"No, thanks," the plant manager replies. "You know, I tried alcohol once, but didn't like it.
Then the salesman glances out the office window and sees a golf course.
"I suppose you play golf," says the salesman. "I'd like to invite you to be a guest at my club."
"That's kind of you, but no, thanks," the manager says. "I played golf once, but I didn't like it."
Just then a young man enters the office.
"Let me introduce my son, Mike," says the plant manager.
"Let me guess," the salesman replies. "An only child?"
They just arrested my barber for running a clip joint. ;D
If it wasn't serious it would be a joke - AFL injury Lists after 4 rounds.
What did the alien dandelion say to the Earth dandelion? "Take me to your weeder!"
The Richmond Football Club's performances in 3/4 games this season.
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
What happens to illegally parked frogs?
They get toad away.
Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus 1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee 1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it’s a memory hogger, it has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw.
Some features I’d like to see in the Upcoming GirlFriend 4.0…
- A “Don’t remind me again†button
- Minimize button
- Shutdown feature
- An install shield feature so that Girlfriend 4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don’t lose cache and other objects)
I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with girlfriend 1.0 still installed, they tried using the same i/o port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 but it didn’t have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another thing that sucks in all versions of girlfriend that I’ve used is that it is totally “object orientated†and only supported hardware with gold plated contacts.
Bug Warning: Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
8)
It's my wife's birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
'Oh, I don't know ,' she said . 'Just give me something with diamonds.
That's why I'm giving her a pack of playing cards.
::)
A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?
This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck....."
A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?", he asks the shop assistant.
In a manner she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00. "
The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ?
"That's obvious," the assistant states, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture... "
I used to be a transplant surgeon, but my heart just wasn't in it.
man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."
"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.
"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.
"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."
"So, what's your problem?"
"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
One day in the city a bus driver was making his usual stops. At the first stop a woman came to the front of the bus to get off. She turned to the bus driver and said, “I think I was just molested back there.â€
The bus driver looked at her and said, “Not on my bus. You couldn't have been.†So, he lets her off and drives on.
He comes to the next stop and another woman comes to the front to get off. She, too, looks at the bus driver and says, “I think I was just molested back there.â€
Now the bus driver thinks that something has to be wrong, to get two complaints like this in one day is just unheard of. He gets up out of his seat and goes to the back of the bus. To his surprise there is a bald guy crawling on the floor on his hands and knees.
The bus driver says, “Sir, what are you doing?â€
The man looks at him and says, “I lost my toupee. I thought I found it twice, but I lost it again.â€
::)
My dentist married a manicurist, but they just fought tooth and nail.
There was a party that many rich people attended. The host had recently built a tank with many alligators, paranas, and many other things that could kill you. The host said that if anyone could swim across the tank, he would, to the best of his ability, grant them 3 wishes.
Well, nobody was up to the challenge, so everyone just started having a good time and doing that "party thing."
Suddenly, there was this big splash! The host looked and saw a man swimming to beat hell across the tank, and, lo and behold, he made it!
The host walked over to the man and said, "Alright, you made it, WOW!. What are your 3 wishes?" The man replied, "First, you see that shotgun of yours? give me it, Two, see those bullets over there? give me them, 3, show me the barbie who pushed me in."
Why was the tired knight's butt like a mythical beast?
His Ass was Dragon
One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot."
"Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted.
After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George.
"I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."
"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."
The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.
The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read… Main entrance.
8)
Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "shower! THAT'S the word!â€
;D
In the original native culture of Thailand, when males reached the age of 18 they had to participate in the following community ceremony:
They lay themselves stark naked in a large circle, feet facing inward.
A beautiful young naked girl kneels over the ankles of each of the men.
She places a blob of honey and various crushed sweet fruits around his navel to attract flies and insects. This keeps them off his face during the ceremony.
A specially chosen nubile and very beautiful naked girl then does a s*xy and sensuous dance in the centre of the circle.
As soon as all the men become fully aroused, the kneeling girls then reach over the knees, pull the erect penises downwards as much as they can and then, on a given signal from the centre dancer, release them.
The men's penises would then spring back up and go "WHAP!" against their belly buttons.
This exercise was a measurement of the strength of their masculinity. . .
The man who killed the most flies was elected to the court of the King.
And that, folks, is why the capital of Thailand came to be named Bangkok.
I bet you never knew this.
On the day of the Royal Wedding, Sofia was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes. Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sofia for the day. Unfortunately, they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sofia's feet were in agony. When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off. The rest of the Royal Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say "God, that was tight."
"There," whispered the Queen. "I told you she was a virgin."
Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. "Right. Now for the other one." Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said "My God. That was even tighter."
"That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."
Where do you find giant snails?
On the ends of giant's fingers.
Walking through a supermarket, a young man noticed an old lady following him around. He ignored her for a while, but when he got to the checkout line, she got in front of him.
“Pardon me,†she said. “I’m sorry if I’ve been staring, but you look just like me son who died recently.
“I’m sorry for your loss,†the young man replied. “Is there anything I can do for you?â€
“Well, as I’m leaving, could you just say ‘Goodbye, mother!?’ It would make me feel so much better.†She gave him a sweet smile.
“Of course I can,†the young man promised.
As she gathered her bags and left, he called out “Goodbye, mother!†just as she had requested, feeling good about her smile.
Stepping up to the counter, he saw that his total was about $100 higher than it should be. “That amount is wrong,†he said. “I only have a few items!â€
“Oh, your mother said that you would pay for her,†explained the clerk.
I went a coffee shop this arvo for a long black but it was a shocker.
So I said "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
"Yes sir" he said," it's fresh ground."
I just left 8)
I'm not saying I've got too much time on my hands, but yesterday afternoon I spent three hours sitting in front of my fish tank in a shark mask.
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer â€" you’re assigned to hell.â€
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they have got air conditioning and flush toilets, escalators, elevators and so on .. and â€" the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan on the telephone.
“So, how’s it going down there in hell?†God says.
“Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. There’s no telling what our engineer is going to come up with next!†Satan says.
“What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake â€" he should have never gotten down there; send him back immediately!†God says.
“No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him!†Satan says.
“Send him back up here or I’ll sue!†God says.
Satan laughs uproariously and answers:
“Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?â€
::)
Of all the famous men who ever lived, the one I would most like to have been was Socrates. Not just because he was a great thinker, because I have been known to have some reasonably profound insights myself, although mine invariably revolve around a Swedish airline stewardess and some handcuffs.
What did the bra say to the cap?
"I've got these two covered, you go on ahead."
8)
What would you get if you crossed a donkey with an owl?
A smart ass which knows it all.
The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Mercedes."
The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.
Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche."
The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.
Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone."
The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?"
"Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"....... ;D
I used to be a railways conductor, but my boss found out I wasn't trained.
The bank robbers arrived just before closing and promptly ordered the few remaining depositors, the tellers, clerks, and guards to disrobe and lie face down on the floor, behind the counter.
One nervous blonde pulled off all her clothes and lay down on the floor facing upwards.
"Turn over, Cindy," whispered the girl lying beside her. "This is a stick-up,... not an office party!"
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?†I
asked the children in my Sunday school class.
“NO!†the children all answered.
“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?â€
Once more they all answered, “NO!â€
“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?†I
asked them again.
Once more they all answered, “NO!â€
“Well,†I continued, thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for,
“Then how can I get into heaven?â€
A five-year-old boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!â€
One for mothers day.
When exactly is Mothers Day?
9 months after Fathers Day. ;)
Happy Mothers day to all mothers
Here's a joke for you.
The Carlton Football Club :P
Quote from: BratPack on May 10, 2015, 07:05:52 PM
Here's a joke for you.
The Carlton Football Club :P
That joke is not funny. Just disappointing.
Quote from: FactHunt on May 10, 2015, 07:49:40 PM
Quote from: BratPack on May 10, 2015, 07:05:52 PM
Here's a joke for you.
The Carlton Football Club :P
That joke is not funny. Just disappointing.
Depends who you barrack for. Being an Essendon supporter and having had run ins with the Carlton cheer squad I think it's flowering hilarious ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Quote from: BratPack on May 10, 2015, 08:04:05 PM
Quote from: FactHunt on May 10, 2015, 07:49:40 PM
Quote from: BratPack on May 10, 2015, 07:05:52 PM
Here's a joke for you.
The Carlton Football Club :P
That joke is not funny. Just disappointing.
Depends who you barrack for. Being an Essendon supporter and having had run ins with the Carlton cheer squad I think it's flowering hilarious ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
;D ;D
Just highlighting that they are disappointing. (I actually think it's quite funny)
A blonde & her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbour's dog.
It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this."
She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"
The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard... let's see how THEY like all the barking!"
Have you got bills to pay?
If you do, please give it back. He looks silly bald.
What is the breed of canine that easily forgets his place on the trail?
Wherewolf ::)
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 O'clock in the morning, A resounding noise came form outside...
The woman, sort of bewildered, Jumps up from the bed and yells at the man "shower!, that must be my husband!"
So the guy quickly got out of bed , scared, and naked. He jumped out the window like a crazy man, Smashed himself on the ground, went through a thorn bush, Then he stood up and started to run fast to his car.
Just a few minutes later he returns and tells the woman "I'm your husband, you slut!!!"
So the woman answers:- "Oh, yeah?!! And why were you running?!! You S.O.B !!!"
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A pachydermatologist.
AFL Injuries this year - probably should be serious though
Corduroy pillows are making headlines
This fisherman goes to the river to check an illegal fish trap that he owns. He looks around to make sure there are no Fishing Inspectors about and proceeds to pull the fish trap out to check it.
An Inspector steps out of the bushes, “Ahha!†he said and the fisherman spun around and yelled “shower!â€. The Inspector, who wasn’t expecting such a response said “Settle down, I’m the Fishing Inspectorâ€. “Thank God for that†said the fisherman, “I thought you were the bugger who owned this fish trapâ€.
One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."; Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch." Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. "Well," Johnny replied, "Don't flower with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
My mate is addicted to brake fluid, it's ok though because he can stop at any time.
The beautiful secretary of the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich Taiwanese client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her; “Don’t reject the guy outright.â€
So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, “I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara.†The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says “No problem!! I buy. I buy.â€
Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man, “I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. And as a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France.†The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, “Okay, okay. I build, I build.â€
Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she’d better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, “Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch penis.†The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he’s uttering something in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, and looking really sad, says to the woman, “Okay, okay. I cut. I cut.â€
:o
Quote from: T Dog on May 13, 2015, 11:49:51 AM
One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."; Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch." Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. "Well," Johnny replied, "Don't flower with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
Quote from: T Dog on May 14, 2015, 08:21:16 AM
The beautiful secretary of the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich Taiwanese client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her; “Don’t reject the guy outright.â€
So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, “I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara.†The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says “No problem!! I buy. I buy.â€
Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man, “I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. And as a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France.†The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, “Okay, okay. I build, I build.â€
Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she’d better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, “Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch penis.†The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he’s uttering something in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, and looking really sad, says to the woman, “Okay, okay. I cut. I cut.â€
:o
Both of these were absolute gold hahaha ;D
Thanks GL.
Great jokes today Tdog, loved them
10 Facts About You:
1. You're reading this now.
2. You're realizing that this is a stupid fact.
4. You didn't notice I skipped number 3.
5. You're checking now.
6. You're smiling.
7. You're still reading this even though it is stupid.
9. You didn't realize I skipped number 8.
10.You're checking again and smiling because you fell for it again.
11. You're enjoying this.
12. You didn't realize I said 10 facts not 12.
Quote from: T Dog on May 15, 2015, 10:38:53 AM
10 Facts About You:
1. You're reading this now.
2. You're realizing that this is a stupid fact.
4. You didn't notice I skipped number 3.
5. You're checking now.
6. You're smiling.
7. You're still reading this even though it is stupid.
9. You didn't realize I skipped number 8.
10.You're checking again and smiling because you fell for it again.
11. You're enjoying this.
12. You didn't realize I said 10 facts not 12.
I fell for the first one, but not the other three :P
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas.With his dummy on his knee, he’s going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being?It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general.
..and all in the name of humor!â€
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, “You stay out of this, mister!I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!â€
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible
Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
8)
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, “You skin this one while I go and get another one!â€
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
“Dear,†she chirped, “I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted.â€
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: “Hey look, I’m a vet â€" I don’t need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what’s wrong just by looking. Why can’t you?â€
The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, “There you are. Of course, if that doesn’t work, we’ll have to have you put down.â€
There are very few people these days doing Roman-numeral jokes. I is one 8)
One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work.
Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, "Are you really going to let him get away with this?"
"No, I guess not," says God.
The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.
Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, "Why did you let him do that?"
To this God says, "Who's he going to tell?"
Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
Rust is edible. After all, it is a form of car-rot.
Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand"
"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?" "Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina, were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain.
Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Sunny: "What's that?"
Tina: "A condom."
Sunny: "Where'd you get it?"
Tina: "You can get them at any chemist"
The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local chemist and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms.
The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties), but politely asked what brand she preferred.
"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" The mother looks over at the little girl, "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't polite." the mother warns. "Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?" The little girl continues on triumphantly, "And... I know why you and daddy got divorce."
"Oh really?", the mother asks, "Why is that?" To which the girl replies, "Because you got an F in sex."
This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman.
She, of course, turns him down.
Not willing, to give up, he pleads with her, "C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy."
;D
When you’re 47 years old, you sometimes hear a small voice inside you that says: “Just because you’ve reached middle age, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take on new challenges and seek new adventures. You get only one ride on this crazy carousel we call life, and by golly you should make the most of it.â€
This is the voice of Satan.
I know this because recently, on a mountain in Idaho, I listened to this voice, and as a result my body feels as though it has been used as a trampoline by the Budweiser Clydesdales.
I am currently on an all-painkiller diet. “I’ll have a black coffee and 250 Advil tablets†is a typical breakfast order for me these days.
This is because I went snowboarding.
For those of you who, for whatever reason, such as a will to live, do not participate in downhill winter sports, I should explain that snowboarding is an activity that is popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.
These are of course young people, fearless people, people with 100 percent synthetic bodies who can hurtle down a mountainside at 50 miles per hour and knock down mature trees with their faces and then spring to their feet and go, “Cool.â€
People like my son. He wanted to try snowboarding, and I thought it would be good to learn with him, because we can no longer ski together.
We have a fundamental difference in technique: He skis via the Downhill Method, in which you ski down the hill; whereas I ski via the Breath-Catching Method, in which you stand sideways on the hill, looking as athletic as possible without actually moving muscles (this could cause you to start sliding down the hill).
If anybody asks if you’re OK, you say, “I’m just catching my breath!†in a tone of voice that suggests that at any moment you’re going to swoop rapidly down the slope; whereas in fact you’re planning to stay right where you are, rigid as a statue, until the spring thaw.
At night, when the Downhillers have all gone home, we Breath-Catchers will still be up there, clinging to the mountainside, chewing on our parkas for sustenance.
So I thought I’d take a stab at snowboarding, which is quite different from skiing.
In skiing, you wear a total of two skis, or approximately one per foot, so you can sort of maintain your balance by moving your feet, plus you have poles that you can stab people with if they make fun of you at close range.
Whereas with snowboarding, all you get is one board, which is shaped like a giant tongue depressor and manufactured by the Institute of Extremely Slippery Things. Both of your feet are strapped firmly to this board, so that if you start to fall, you can’t stick a foot out and catch yourself. You crash to the ground like a tree and lie there while skiers swoop past and deliberately spray snow on you.
Skiers hate snowboarders. It’s a generational thing. Skiers are (and here I am generalizing) middle-aged Republicans wearing designer space suits; snowboarders are defiant young rebels wearing deliberately drab clothing that is baggy enough to cover the snowboarder plus a major appliance. Skiers like to glide down the slopes in a series of graceful arcs; snowboarders like to attack the mountain, slashing, spinning, tumbling, going backward, blasting through snowdrifts, leaping off cliffs, getting their noses pierced in midair, etc.
Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.
I took my snowboarding lesson in a small group led by a friend of mine named Brad Pearson, who also once talked me into jumping from a tall tree while attached only to a thin rope.
Brad took us up on a slope that offered ideal snow conditions for the novice who’s going to fall a lot: Approximately seven flakes of powder on top of an 18-foot-thick base of reinforced concrete.
You could not dent this snow with a jackhammer. (I later learned, however, that you COULD dent it with the back of your head.)
We learned snowboarding via a two step method:
Step One: Watching Brad do something.
Step Two: Trying to do it ourselves.
I was pretty good at Step One. The problem with Step Two was that you had to stand up on your snowboard, which turns out to be a violation of at least five important laws of physics.
I’d struggle to my feet, and I’d be wavering there and then the Physics Police would drop a huge chunk of gravity on me, and WHAM my body would hit the concrete snow, sometimes bouncing as much as a foot.
“Keep your knees bent!†Brad would yell, helpfully.
Have you noticed that whatever sport you’re trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? As if that would solve anything. I wanted to shout back, “Forget my Knees! Do Something About these Gravity Chunks!â€
Needless to say my son had no trouble at all. None. In minutes he was cruising happily down the mountain; you could actually see his clothing getting baggier. I, on the other hand, spent most of my time lying on my back, groaning, while space-suited Republicans swooped past and sprayed snow on me.
If I hadn’t gotten out of there, they’d have completely covered me; I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of 47-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding.
So I think, when my body heals, I’ll go back to skiing. Maybe sometime you’ll see me out on the slopes, catching my breath. Please throw me some food.
There were these two best friends out playing golf one beautiful day. After hitting their tee shots, both noticed that neither was even close to the fairway. One friend hit it way left, the other way right.
They decided that since the shots were so bad, they’d just meet up at the hole.
So the first guy went off and looked and looked and finally found his ball sitting down deep in a field of beautiful Buttercups. He promptly pulled out his 7 iron and started whacking away. Buttercups were flying everywhere, but the ball wouldn’t come out.
Well, finally Mother Nature got mad.
She came up from the ground and said to the man, “I’ve created this beautiful field of Buttercups and you have no respect for them at all, now they are ruined. I’m going to have to punish you. Since these are Buttercups, your punishment is that you cannot have butter for a year.â€
The man started to laugh and went back to whacking at the Buttercups.
Mother Nature said, “Hey, this is no laughing matter. What do you find so funny?â€
The man looked up and said, “My buddy is over on the other side in the personwillows.â€
Ninety eight percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils. :o
Why Fishing Is Better Than Sex
- When you go fishing and you catch something, that’s good. If you’re making love and you catch something, that’s bad.
- Fish don’t compare you to other fishermen neither and don’t want to know how many other fish you caught.
- In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In loving you lie about the one you caught.
- You can catch and release a fish, you don’t have to lie and promise to still be friends after you let it go.
- You don’t have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.
- You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler. If you want to catch a woman you’re talking dinner and a movie minimum.
- Fish don’t mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.
A man went to the doctor one day and said: “I’ve just been playing footy and when I got back I found that when I touched my legs, my arms, my head, my tummy and everywhere else, it really hurt.†So the doctor said: “You’ve broken your finger.â€
Cannibals like to meat people.
Carlton football club practice was delayed nearly two hours this morning after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. Head coach, Micky Malto, immediately suspended practice while police and federal drug agents were called to investigate.
After a complete analysis, police forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line.
Practice was resumed today after drug agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived. Everything went quite well. As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down in their seats.
After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts" They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts" and they all started booing and cat calling.
Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress.
Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked," What in the world happened?" The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"
I used to be a butler, but found the work wasn't my cup of tea.
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting.
If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche.
If the room has a sweaty odour, perhaps they’re destined for the Help Desk.
If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing.
If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well.
If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team.
If they don’t even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
If they try to tell you it’s not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
8)
Instead of star signs, what’s your business sign?
Marketing
You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with sales.
Sales
Laziest of all signs, often referred to as “marketing without a degree.†You are also self centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can “concentrate on the big picture.†You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
Technology
Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even you don’t understand what you are saying but who can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
Engineering
One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that 90% of all personal ads are placed by engineers. Accounting: The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organisation; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumours concerning you say that you are completely insane.
Human resources
Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organisation. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut and eat lunch.
Management and middle management
Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Romantically compatible with other middle managers as everyone in you social circle is a middle manager.
Senior management:
See above. Same sign, different title.
Customer service
Cheery, positive, you are a bus ride away from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play “customer serviceâ€. Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.
Consultant
Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your skills are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organisation in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.
Head-hunter
As a person that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.
Partner, president or CEO
You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to understand complex systems such as the fax machine suggests the latter.
A new type of broom just came out, it is sweeping the nation. 8)
Why do ambassadors never get sick? Diplomatic immunity.
Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica?
It's dread-full. 8)
A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,†sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.â€
“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?†replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.â€
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bullshower might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.
I used to be a fisherman, but I got caught playing hooky.
Then I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I tried working at Starbucks, but I got tired of the daily grind.
Then I got arrested at the chewing gum factory for unlicensed ex-spearmints.
::)
An American tourist in London was desperate to take a leak. After a long search he couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.
"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.
"I'm sorry," the American replied, "but I really gotta take a leak."
"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."
The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."
The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started pissing on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"
"No," replied the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor 8)
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you dog". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach, "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your ass".
Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly you're a lippy barbie!"
Mrs Dog rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?â€
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....â€
Quote from: T Dog on June 01, 2015, 01:37:26 PM
Mrs Dog rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?â€
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....â€
and that is why the doctor now uses a walking stick. ;D ;D
It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked me if I would like dinner.
"What are my choices?" I asked.
"Yes or No," she replied.
>:(
While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"
Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seatsand began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attatched the package to their backs.
"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"
The pilot said they were.
The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"
"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."
Why do people who throw away feather pillows get depressed?
Their down is in the dumps. :(
Its a long story 8)
One day an extremely well-dressed and successful lawyer was driving to a meeting when he found that the front left tire on his Porsche was flat.
"What am I going to do?" he thought. But then he saw a gas station up ahead. It was a rundown shack with a grizzled man in overalls sitting on a porch with pools of oil, but at least it was a gas station; in the window was a large sign saying 'help wanted'. The executive drove up and got out of the car and explained the situation.
"Why sure!" said the mechanic "I'm lookin' for a boy to work for me and help me out, so we're kinda short-handed".
He looked over the dapper, dignified and impeccably dressed lawyer’s very expensive navy blue pinstriped business suit, his imported silk tie and gleaming cuff links and white shirt, his polished black shoes, his hundred dollar haircut and his $1500 briefcase.
'My name is Bud! You must be one of them lawyer!" said the mechanic. "I can tell by your classy kicks!"
"My WHAT?" snapped the exec.
"Your KICKS! Your SHOES! Mighty classy, sir! But they look like they’re a little too tight! That’s what’s makin’ you so bad tempered!" grinned the mechanic.
"Yes. Well, the FIRST thing people notice are your shoes!" said the lawyer in a condescending tone, as he straightened his tie and checked the shine on his shoes. "And they are NOT too tight! I’m NOT bad-tempered! I am just in a hurry â€" something you wouldn’t understand. My name is Mr. James Porter. I am making an important court appearance today! My whole career depends on it. Now please get to work! What are you doing?!"
Bud was pulling out a huge pail of water. "You get a free car wash today, Jimmy! I sure wish I had a boy to work for me - I gotta do this all myself! Do YOU know somebody to work her for me? I’ve been lookin’ fer a long time! Whoever gets the job lives right here in his own shack!"
"Of course not. Do I LOOK like someone who would know a GREASE MONKEY? And my name is MISTER PORTER. Not Jimmy! And I don't have time for a car wash!" cried Mr. Porter.
"Of course, Mister Porter. I should have KNOWN! A big hotshot lawyer like you wouldn’t know any grease monkeys! Now, don't worry! You upper class folks are always worryin'!" And at that moment, Bud's foot hit the pail of water, and it toppled over, completely soaking Mr. Porter's expensively shod feet.
"NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!!" yelled Mr. Porter. "My feet are DRENCHED through! SOAKED! Do you know how much these shoes cost! Someone like YOU doesn't have to worry about this!"
"Oh, sir! Please accept my apology, SIR! All over your fancy high class kicks! Well, it's a fine day, just take off yer shoes and socks and let 'em dry! They look they're too tight, anyway! That's why you're so bad tempered. Tight shoes will do it every time. Nobody is gonna see ya, sir!"
"Take off my shoes and socks! They're NOT too tight! They were handmade for me. I suppose I have no choice! I'm just glad that my colleagues can't see this!" said Mr. Porter, as he sat on the porch and slowly, grudgingly slid his feet out of his highly polished black Ferragamo shoes and then peeled off his silk business socks. Bud picked up the shoes and whistled with admiration.
"Mighty fancy!" he said, with a grin. "EYETALIAN! FERRY-GAMO! Too bad they're so tight! And them socks sure are fancy, too! Real classy! No harm done! Ya know, you look like you belong here now that yer barefoot!"
"Put my shoes down immediately! How dare you put your filthy hands on them! I will NEVER look like I BELONG here! I feel ridiculous..." said Mr. Porter coldly.
Mr. Porter carefully arranged his suit and tie as if to make up for the indignity of going barefoot.
"Lemme show ya somethin', Mister Porter" said Bud, who got into the car and drove it forward and ran over Mr. Porter's briefcase, ruining it.
"MY BRIEFCASE!" yelled the lawyer.
"Sorry, sir! But I have to tell ya something!" said Bud, who was bending over the engine.
"I didn't ask you to look at the engine" shouted Mr. Porter. "You destroyed my briefcase!! All my papers..."
"But you got a problem!" said Bud. "Look! Get closer!"
Mr. Porter leaned over the engine. "I don't see anything?"
"Closer!" said Bud.
"I still don't?" and Mr. Porter began to lift his head, and felt himself stuck.
"My tie!" he yelled. "My necktie and my suspenders! They're caught in the engine!"
"Look what ya done, sir! I'll get ya free!"
"I DIDN'T DO THIS!" yelled Mr. Porter, but he couldn't move at all. His tie and his suspenders had gotten tied up in the engine. Somehow.
"Now just hold still!? said Bud, and in a moment, Mr. Porter was free, and his tie and suspenders were in Bud's hands.
"ARE YOU INSANE?!" yelled Mr. Porter. "You took those off me. Why?! Give me those."
"Mr. Porter" said Bud, ignoring the comment. "I'm gonna need yer help in getting that tire out of the back, and then you gotta help me get the new one - it's underneath an old engine. I can't lift 'em, ya see. I got lumbago. It's too bad I ain't got a boy to work for me!"
"What?!" said Mr. Porter. "You expect ME to do it? Look at this suit! This is a two thousand dollar suit! It was tailored for me. I can't get it dirty, and this is a silk tie! And a hundred dollar shirt! I'm a LAWYER! An attorney! I don't do menial work."
"I'm sorry, sir," said Bud. "There's no other way! I know! Why don't ya take off yer nice suit and that shirt and the cufflinks? Ya better take off yer fancy wristwatch too! Ya don’t want to get ‘em dirty, do you? I got a fine pair of OVERALLS for ya!"
"This is an outrage!" cried Mr. Porter. "I will NOT take off my business suit! I have my dignity and my pride!"
"Then you'll have yer dignity and yer pride but you won't get a new tire" said Bud.
Mr. Porter stomped and fumed but finally gave in and angrily stripped off his pinstriped business suit, his cufflinks and his starched white shirt and placed them on a wooden table. He even took off his Rolex. Then he put on the greasy overalls and pulled the tire out of the trunk.
But just then his bare feet hit a patch of oil, and he staggered backwards and fell; the filthy tire fell on top of him. He felt his head hit something soft. Bud ran over and said: "Mr. Porter, it's a good thing your head hit the tar! It broke yer fall!"
The lawyer pushed the tire off, and felt the grease, gravel and tar all over his t-shirt and his face. He lifted what had been a manicured hand to his head and felt a mass of something gooey.
"My hair!" Mr. Porter yelled, as he stood.
"I gotta cut that tar out, sir! It ain't gonna come out any other way!" and he pulled out some scissors and with a few quick snips, the executive's thick head of hair was replaced by a patchy crewcut.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" yelled Mr. Porter. "MY HAIR!"
"Here, this will calm ya down, Jimmy boy!" Bud shoved a bottle of whiskey into Mr. Porter's hand and poured some of it on his shirt.
"NO!" yelled the lawyer. "LOOK AT ME, YOU MORON! AND CALL ME MISTER PORTER!!"
"Leave me alone! Help, police!" screamed Bud. He grabbed Mr. Porter's cell phone and called the police and then called the newspaper.
“What are you DOING?†shouted the lawyer.
In a moment the police were there.
Bud whimpered: "This man is drunk! Just smell him, officer! And tried to beat me up! and rob the till! He even tried to KILL me!"
"I DID NOT!" shouted Mr. Porter.
"Assault, robbery, disorderly conduct, resisting arrest, drunkenness, attempted murder...you're coming with me!"
And the policeman dragged the struggling Mr. Porter, barefoot in overalls off to jail.
The next day the judge prepared to sentence Mr. Porter to twenty years behind bars while they all looked at the newspaper with the headline: Drunk Lawyer Holds Up Garage! Thief Jailed for Assault, Attempted Murder and Robbery. Then they saw the same story on the internet. It was everywhere! James had been fired from his job and his own law firm refused to see him. His former friends were shocked at his behavior. His family was furious.
But Bud said; "Your honor, don't put this man behind bars! He ATTACKED me, but, I'll allow him to make it up to me - I got an idea!â€
"What do you mean?" yelled Mr. Porter. "I....I am a LAWYER! I am INNOCENT! What do you mean an idea?!""
A month later, a customer drove up to Bud's and Bud called his new assistant to wait on him. A man in overalls and work boots and a crew cut came out, covered with grime, and started to work on the car.
"JIMMY BOY! Don't forget the oil! You ex-cons are always slow!" yelled Bud.
"YES, SIR!" said Jimmy-boy Porter.
A “help wanted†sign lay in the garbage.
In the window was an Italian pinstriped business suit, a silk tie, a white shirt, a pair of braces and a pair of cuff links with the initials JP with a "for sale" sign.
"Don't forget what I told ya!" snapped Bud. "Did you polish 'em up?"
"Yes, but, please..." said Jimmy-boy.
"You don't need 'em anymore! I'm your boss...NOW MOVE IT! Remember how much I got when I sold your wristwatch?" yelled Bud.
“You sold it for only $50!†cried Jimmy-boy. “And you kept the money!â€
“Of course I did! And I got a good deal when I made you sell your fancy sports car!†snapped Bud.
“My Porsche! You made me sell it for only a thousand dollars for scrap!†yelled Jimmy-boy.
"Well, it wasn’t your car anymore, was it? I got you a job and a shack to live in! You’d be coolin’ yer heels in jail if it wasn’t for me!†said Bud.
“But I’m innocent! You KNOW that!†said Jimmy boy.
“Now don’t go on like that! Or you’ll be back behind bars! And it’s only right for me to keep the car and the watch and all those fine clothes you were wearin’! And remember â€" you ain’t some high and mighty lawyer anymore! You gotta talk like ME! And call me SIR!" shouted Bud.
"Yes, sir..." Jimmy-boy sighed and went up to the customer.
"Sir, my name is Mister James Por...I mean Jimmy boy. We got a special today - with an oil change, you can buy these real cheap."
He held up a pair of very expensive polished gentleman's business shoes.
"These are for sale. One pair of Ferragamo shoes - once worn by a former lawyer who - who doesn't need ‘em anymore â€" he used to be a lawyer…now he’s a ….grease monkey…best offer, silk socks included."
Bud said: "Go on!"
Jimmy boy sighed and said: "After all, the first thing people notice are your shoes. Real classy kicks..."
Two brooms are getting married.
Before the ceremony, the bride broom says to the groom broom, "I think I'm going to have a whisk."
The groom broom says, "How can that be? We haven't even swept together!"
Ted and Julie go to bed with each other for the first time.
Julie: "I should warn you, Ted: I've got acute angina."
Ted: "Your breasts aren't bad either."
The 75-year-old groom, with the young wife, caused a lot of attention as he checked into the resort hotel.
The following morning, the old boy came strutting into the dining room, lookin' great with a big smile on his face. He proceeded to order an enormous breakfast.
He laughed and joked and was in obvious good spirits, whereas his young wife, who came into the room a half hour later, looked worn out. She ordered coffee in a voice so weak the waiter had to ask her to repeat the order.
The old man finished his breakfast, excused himself and left for their room. This gave the waitress a chance to ask the bride, "Honey, I can't figure it out. The old geezer, your husband, looks like a million and you look like two cents. What's wrong?"
"That guy double-crossed me," the bride said. "He told me he'd saved up for fifty years! And all the time I thought he was talking about money!"
One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.
"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60."
"That's still too expensive," the man says.
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20."
"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."
"Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10."
"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"
A Jamaican man bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, announcing that his wife had just given birth to "a typical Jamaican baby boy weighing 20 pounds."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" were heard. A woman fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returned to the bar. The bartender said, "Say, you're the father of the Jamaican baby who weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "Fifteen pounds."
The bartender was puzzled. "Why? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth?"
The Jamaican father took a slow sip from his Red Stripe beer, wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and said, "Had him circumcised."
::)
I knew a woman who owned a taser, man was she stunning!
Sir Lancelot once had a very bad dream about his horse. It was a knight mare.
A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they ended up at ''Lovers' Cove'' where they were making out. The guy thought that things were going pretty good and maybe he would get lucky tonight, so he thought that he would ask her if she wanted to go in the back seat.
''NO!'' yelled the blonde.
The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet. Things got pretty hot and the guy thought he would try again.
''NO!'' the blonde yelled again.
Things got even hotter and the blond was down to her bra and the guy even had her pants unzipped.
''Do you wanna go in the back seat yet?'' asked the guy.
''For the last time, NO!'' said the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asked, ''Well, why the hell not?''
The blonde looked at him and said, ''Because I wanna stay here with you.''
lmao gold Dawg
think this one has already been posted
A patient goes to see his doctor.
Patient: I can't stop singing the Green Green Grass of Home.
Doctor: Sounds like a case of Tom Jones syndrome.
Patient: Is that common?
Doctor: It's not unusual.
Keep posting them Billy M ;D
A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.
The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
No seriously though....
What is the difference between an ornithologist and a stutterer?
One is a bird watcher, and the other is a word botcher.
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
A woman storms into a pet shop demanding her money back from the owner. “You sold me this frog and told me it would be able to satisfy all my sexual desires!â€
The clerk tries to calm her down and asks, “Did you do what I told you to do?â€
“Yes, dammit! I got naked, lay back on my bed, and put him between my legs just like you said, and he did nothing!†she shouts.
The owner, looking confused, replies, “It’s a perfectly trained frog. I can’t understand what’s wrong.â€
He takes the woman and the frog to a back room in the shop, where he places the frog on a small table next to a bed and asks the woman to please lie down and remove her panties.
“What?†she shouts.
Turning to the frog, he says, “Now watch carefully, because this is the last time I’m showing you this!â€
Two guys went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sex when you filled your tank. They pumped their gas and went to pay the attendant.
"I'm thinking of a number between one and ten," he said. "If you guess right, you win free sex."
"Okay," agreed one of the guys, "I guess seven."
"Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant.
The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number.
"Two!" said the second guy.
"Sorry, it's three, said the attendant. "Come back and try again."
As they walked out to their car, one guy said to the other, "I think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said his buddy. "My wife won twice last week."
I considered going into the ministry but I didn't have an altar ego.
Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. - Jim Backus
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette
I’ve sometimes thought of marrying, and then I’ve thought again. - Noel Coward, 1956
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry
Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important. - Lisa Hoffman
She’s a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one. - Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo’s fiancee
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe- Jackie Mason
Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. - Montaigne
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together. â€" Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher…and that is a good thing for any man. - Socrates
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner
Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution.- Mae West
Speaking ill of the dead is a grave mistake.
A bachelor is a guy who is footloose and fiancée-free.
The minister was on the golf course when he heard a duffer, deep in a sand trap, let loose a stream of profanity.
“I have often noticed,†chided the minister, “that the best golfers are not addicted to the use of foul language.â€
“Of course not,†screamed the man. “What do they have to swear about?"
A criminal's best asset is his lie ability.
Person turns on the computer without a keyboard plugged in.
When she turns on the computer, the computer finds out that there is no keyboard attached and it gives a “Keyboard Error†message.
She then asks “Why did it give me a keyboard error? There isn’t even a keyboard attached?
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skill, he had decided to call it a day.Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.
The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,
"BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL"....
8)
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge, enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, 'Well, how was it?'
The man says, 'You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.'
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work... the @$$hole is usually in charge
A Sunday school teacher asked her second graders if anyone knew another name for God. She was picturing answers like 'Lord' or 'Almighty'.
After a long moment of silence a little boy raised his hand and said, "Howard."
"Howard?" replied the confused teacher.
"You know," continued the boy, "Howard be thy name."
Q: What's the difference between pea soup and roast beef?
A: Anyone can roast beef.
A young couple were driving down the road one day, happily, deliriously in love and due to be married the next day. Suddenly, a large truck swerved from the oncoming lanes into their car! BOOM! And they both died.
At the Pearly Gates, the young couple confronted St. Peter. "Sir, you have to help us! We were to be married tomorrow. Is there any way we can be married in Heaven?"
"Hmmm," replied St. Peter, "I don't recall there ever being a marriage in Heaven. Well, let's take it up with God and see what he says."
So they approached God with their plea. God sat for a moment, pondering the request. Then he looked down and said, "Come back in five years and ask me again."
Five years later, the couple approached God again, even more in love than ever and pleading that he allow their marriage. God paused for quite a while, musing over their request. Then he spoke, "Come back in five years and ask me again."
And once again, five years later, the couple was again in the presence of God, more in love than ever and begging God's permission for the third time to marry. This time God smiled broadly and thundered, "Yes my children, you may marry!"
Well, the wedding went off beautifully, the reception was huge, everyone thought the bride was simply breathtaking and the groom was soooo handsome, and everyone was happy! Until...
Two years later, the couple was back before God, and things were not looking so good. The couple had come to the realization almost immediately that although marriages were made in heaven, they didn't last very long there! And, in spite of their struggles to come to terms with the situation, they had decided there simply was no alternative but to get a divorce.
Black clouds fractured by lightening rolled across the sky, and the ground shook with explosive thunder. God glared down at the tiny couple before him, his face becoming dark and angry, and he roared, "Divorce?! Impossible!!! It took us TEN years just to find a priest in Heaven! Do you have any idea how long it will take to find a LAWYER?!!"
A new patient was quite upset when the doctor’s nurse led him to a small, curtained cubicle and told him to undress. "But I only want the doctor to look at an ingrown toenail!" he protested. "Our rule is that everyone must undress," replied the blond nurse. "That’s a stupid rule," grumbled the patient, "making me undress just to look at my toe." "That’s nothing," growled a voice from the next cubicle. "I just came to fix the phones!"
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office."
The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.
The next week the lady goes back to his office. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!"
The doctor says, "Good, Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
A football coach had a star quarterback who was as dumb as a post.
The only way the kid could stay on the team would be to pass all his classes, which was impossible. All his teachers agreed to go easy on him except for one, his math teacher. The coach begged the math teacher to not fail the kid.
The math teacher agreed to give the boy an oral exam which, if he passed, would count for class credit. The coach came to the exam to support his star athlete.
The math teacher asked only one question for the exam: “What is two plus two?â€
“Four,†the athlete answered.
The football coach went into a panic and yelled, “Give him another chance! Just one more chance!â€
Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.
Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.
The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth.As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.
Jesus then turns to the old man and says, Dad, if you don’t stop fooling around, we won’t bring you next time.
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Aussie are exploring the jungle and are captured by a fierce tribe.
The chief tells them, "The bad news is that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison; the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol; the Brit points it at his head, says, "God save the Queen!" and blows his brains out.
The Aussie says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The Aussie takes the fork and jabs himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. Blood gushes from every hole.
The chief screams, "What are you doing?"
The Aussie looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, a**hole!"
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.... Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package."
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........"
A lady walks into her doctor's office, screaming.
She yells, "Doctor, Doctor my breasts are hairy! What do I do?"
The doctor asks, "Well, how long does the hair grow?"
The lady replies, "From here to my penis, but that's a different story!"
:o
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."
The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"
The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"
What's ET short for? so he can fit in the spaceship.
A wife comes home after a shopping trip, and she's horrified to see her husband in bed with a young woman.
She's about to storm out of the house, and the husband says "But I can explain, dear. As I was driving home I saw this poor and tired-looking creature standing by the road, so I offered her a ride. She said she was hungry, so I brought her to our home and fed her some of your leftover pot roast. Her shoes were completely worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't wear because they're out of style. She was cold, so I gave her your new birthday sweater you never wear because you say the color doesn't suit you. Her slacks were tattered, so I gave her a pair of yours that don't fit you anymore.
Then, just as she was about to leave our house, she stopped and asked me, 'Is there anything else your wife no longer uses?'
It's better to love a short girl than not a tall.
After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"
"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"
When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"
"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ah come from in Albama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."
Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.
First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."
Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."
Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.
First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish -- let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of “mixed emotionsâ€. The husband turned to his wife and said, “Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.
She said: “Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis.
::)
nce upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner? So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said: "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family". "Very good" said Dracula. The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?" The bat replies " Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children". "Impressive" said Dracula. Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that????" he asked. And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?" Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says "Well, I didn't".
A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"
Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club. The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight?" His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with."They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?" His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!" "No, no" says Roger "I just know her from volleyball."Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?" His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar. Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and flips out on Roger.Just then, the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you picked up a dog tonight, Roger!"
::)
One spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the surface of a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance.
The fish said to itself, "If that fly comes six inches closer, I'll jump up and have myself a meal." Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, " If that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up, and I'll catch the fish and have myself a meal."
As luck would have it, a hunter saw what was happening. He thought to himself, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and I'll shoot the bear."
Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself," If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and I'll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter.
However, unbeknownst to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and I'll snatch the rat."
At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed the sandwich, the cat jumped, missed the rat and landed in the lake.
The moral of this story is:
If the fly drops six inches the person will get wet.
An idiot mates phone message:
"I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember.
I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks."
???
A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by a young, new doctor.
After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded,
"What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said:
"Does she still have the hiccups?"
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that word one more time, I'll quit!"
Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.
About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the roads and sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your own wife fell three times this week already, and your daughter fell twice!"
Two secretaries were talking about their work.
"I hate filing," said one.
"No matter how careful I am, I can never find the papers I'm looking for. I forget where I have filed them."
"I used to have that problem too, but no more," her blonde friend said.
"Now I make 26 copies of everything I type and file one under each letter of the alphabet. That way, I can't miss it!"
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'
George and Lenny decide to cross North America in a hot air balloon. However, neither were particularly experienced balloonists, and Lenny's mind quickly drifted from navigation to thoughts of how clouds look like cuddly little bunny rabbits. Upon realizing that they were lost, George declared, "Lenny -- we are going to have to lose some altitude so we can figure out where we are."
George lets some hot air out of the balloon, which slowly descended below the clouds, but he still couldn't tell where they were. Far below, they could see a man on the ground. George lowered the balloon, to ask the man their location.
When they were low enough, George called down to the man, "Hey, can you tell us where we are?" The man on the ground yelledback, "You're in a balloon, about 100 feet up in the air."
George Called down to the man, "You must be a lawyer." "Gee, George," Lenny replied, "How can you tell?" George answered, "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and is completely useless".
The man called back up to the balloon, "You must be a client." George yelled back, "Why do you say that?" "Well," the man replied, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You got into your predicament through a lack of planning, and could have avoided it by asking for help before you acted. You expect me to provide an instant remedy. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.
They arrested the owner of a threatening bull--he was brought up on charges.
Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor....
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
8)
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
A geezer walks up to a beautiful woman in a shopping mall.
"Excuse me" he says "But I've lost my wife here somewhere and I can't find her. Could you please help me?"
"What do you need me to do?" asks the woman.
"Just stand here and talk to me" the man replies.
"How's that going to help?" she asks.
"No idea really...but every time I talk to a woman with hooters like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!!"
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says ‘nothing's wrong,’ and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
::)
At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. No woman, said one man, scornfully, can keep a secret.
I don't know about that, answered a blonde woman guest. I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.
You'll let it out some day, the man insisted.
I hardly think so responded the blonde lady. When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF BUT AREN'T
10. Nuts...my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.
8)
I love being fifty. Fifty is a very cool age. But it does come with some responsibilities.
Like fifty-year-old guys cant go out with really young girls anymore.
Up to fifty, you can. But once you hit fifty, you become that creepy old guy.
And we've all done it. You see some old guy with some young girl, you dont sit there and go Aw, that is so sweet.
This is what everybody in this room says: Money or drugs, thats all Im saying. Money or drugs.
:o
“These reversing cameras are great. Since I got one I haven't looked back.â€
A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called."
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?"
The Mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve; they had children and, so all mankind was made."
A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."
The confused girl returns to her mother and says, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God , and Papa says we developed from monkeys?"
The Mother answers, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny,"
He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go".
Things To Do In An Elevator
1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.
4) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
5) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
6) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
7) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.
8) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
9) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"
10) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
11) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
12) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
13) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
14) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
15) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"
8)
A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.
“Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.â€
“Yes, sir!†â€" answers Seamus.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: “So, Seamus, how was your day?â€
Seamus told him that he took care of three patients.
“The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.â€
“Bravo, and the second one?†â€" asks the doctor.
“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Malox, sir.†â€" says Seamus.
“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?†â€" asks the doctor.
“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lied down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: “HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!â€
“Thunderin’ Lard Jayzus, Seamus, what did ye do?†â€" asks the doctor.
“I put drops in her eyes.†!!!!!
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons.
My son was born on St George’s Day,“ commented the English man. "So we obviously decided to call him Georgeâ€
“That’s a real coincidence,†remarked the Scot. “My son was born on St Andrew’s Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew.â€
“That’s incredible, what a coincidence, "said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake.â€
Life would be easier if you could mark people as spam. ;D
Business One-liners
The ratio of time involved in work to time available for work is usually about 0.6.
The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions and littered with sloppy analysis.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
The simplest subjects are the ones you don't know anything about.
The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
The solving of a problem lies in finding the solvers.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up!
The squeaky wheel doesn't always get the grease; sometimes it gets replaced.
The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of junk food available.
::)
A lady went to a psychiatrist complaining of a terrible phobia. “Every time I lay down on my bed I get this terrible fear that there is something underneath. “Wow†responded the psychiatrist “I’ve never heard of such a phobia, but like all phobias it can be treated, but it will likely take around 20 sessions.†“OK†responded the lady “how much is each session?†“Oh it’s just $80 a session, but trust me it’s well worth it.†When the lady didn’t come back to the psychiatrist he gave the lady a call. “How come I didn’t hear from you? He asked.†“Well†responded the lady “when I came home and told my husband about the cost he thought he would save some money, he just cut the legs off the bed!â€
Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty ba*&ards.
A few short comments during a lull 8)
There are plenty of fish in the sea but until I catch one I'm just stuck here holding my rod.
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.
I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
After kissing a girl in back of the gym for several hours I said, "You know, this isn't working out."
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off.
I'm going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I'm outstanding.
I just realised that I haven't done the hokey pokey in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it's all about.
When I think of books, I touch my shelf.
Have you seen the movie Constipation? Oh yeah that's right, it hasn't come out yet!
I'm going to buy some velcro for my shoes instead of laces. Why knot?
When you're walking into the loo you're Australian.
When you're walking out of the loo you're Australian.
What are you when you're inside the loo?
European.
8)
I just gave the jogger an appreciative nod.
In that moment we had a special connection, a connection shared by those that brave the elements for the benefit of their bodies.
At least that's what I figured while I stood there and finished my cigarette.
A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?"
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"
Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes."
Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
"Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm STARVING!"
The trouble with voice recognition is you never quite get what you nintendo
A nurse had to take a patient back to her room after surgery. Woman was still feeling the effects of the anesthetic and was rather confused.
After nurse had made her comfortable, she was confronted with four of woman friends who asked, "How is she?"
The nurse replied, "Oh, she's quite dopey."
One of the friends said, "We know that, but how is she health wise?"
I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.
Lightbulb Joke Collection
Q: How many archaeologists does does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to argue about how old the old one is.
Q: How many preservation society members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but it takes a year to find an antique Edison light bulb so it'll be architecturally accurate.
Q: How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there going "To the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, and take it out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right..."
Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to say, "In 1876, Jules Verne had the first intimations that electrostatic power was a viable energy alternative. Hitherto, the only sources ...
"
Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, lightbulb, changer and all was blown out of existence. They co-existed in a parallel universe, though.
Q: How many signal processing engineers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to Fouriev transform the lightbulb, one to apply a complex exponential rotational shifting operator, and one to inverse transform the removed lightbulb.
Q: How many aerospace engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It doesn't take a rocket scientist, you know.
Q: How many Einsteins does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier to leave the bulb alone and change the room. It's all relative.
8)
A gentleman was lured into a busy florist shop by a large sign in the window that read, "Say It With Flowers."
"Wrap up one rose," he told the florist.
"Only one?" the florist asked.
"Just one," the customer replied. "I'm a man of few words."
8)
I'm not a complete idiot….Some parts are missing.
::)
“The first time I used an elevator it was really uplifting, then it let me down.†;D
"A public toilet, aka an IP address." :o
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.
When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.
He said, "I would like to have one too!"
Then I said, "But she is a dog!"
He said he didn't care what she looked like.
I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old."
He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.
He told me to wait until after the wedding was over.
I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex."
He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church.
I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.
The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me.
When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex.
He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex.
I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night."
The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away.
Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around.
I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest.
He said that I should have sold my own tickets.
"You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV."
He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.
I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married."
The Judge said, "Same here!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning.
I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.
Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"
I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me forever. I can't live any longer being so lonely."
And the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog."
8)
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"
The top six reasons computers must be female:
6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as
"If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your pay on accessories for it.
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.
"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"OK, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie replied.
"You know what, genie, maybe we can repay you by making one of YOUR wishes come true... what's your wish, genie?" the husband said.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.
After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"35," she replied.
"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"
Maw is outside the house hanging up the laundry, when she hears Jethro in the kitchen.
Maw walks in and says, "Jethro, get out there and fix that there outhouse."
He says, "All right, Maw."
He walks out to the outhouse, looks at it, and says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"
Maw says, "Yes there is son. Put your head down in the hole."
He puts his head down in the hole and he says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"
He goes to lift up his head and he says, "Oww! OWW! Maw! MAW, my beard's stuck!"
She says, "Aggravatin', ain't it?"
::)
There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.
Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?"
In seconds, he chooses Paul.
Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside.
"I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"
"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.
"Your hands? What do you mean?"
"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"
The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in Speedos is seeing a guy in Speedos staring back at you.
Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to the ugly woman!"
The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extemely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.
The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on: a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?â€
Millionaire: “I owe everything to my wife.â€
Interviewer: “Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?â€
Millionaire: “A Billionaireâ€
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving!"
“The chefs argued about the flatbread until they realized it was a naan issue.â€
Confucius Say: "Man who drive like hell bound to get there."
Confucius Say: "Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement."
Confucius Say: "Women who put detergent on top shelf, jump for Joy!"
Confucius Say: "Never argue with fool...he may be doing the same thing."
Confucius Say: "Best time to buy new mattress, at first sign of spring."
Confucius Say: "Adults are just wrinkled kids who owe money."
Confucius Say: "An old grave digger is called an Elderberry."
Confucius Say: "People who have gift of gab, not know how to wrap it up."
Confucius Say: "Time flies like arrow. Fruit flies like bananas."
Confucius Say: "A man who sits on tack gets point and will surely rise."
8)
A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour."
The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is sceptical but the wife insists the story is true.
"Look,... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!"
So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"
The manager replies: "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather, but that's not the worst of it.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it -- almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter... either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
:o
“Some aquatic mammals at the zoo escaped. It was otter chaos.â€
Top ten ways that you know you are suffering from "fantasy footy burnout"
10. You're so tired; you now answer the phone, "Hell."
9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back!!"
8. Your garbage can IS your "In" box.
7. You wake up to discover that your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.
6. You have so much on your mind; you've forgotten how to pee.
5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.
4. You don't set your alarm anymore because you know the pager will go off before the alarm does.
3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.
2. Your Day Timer exploded a week ago.
1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now
:o
Marge was in bed with a man (not her husband). All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs. "Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?"
"Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he ain't gonna notice you here with me." The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught in bed with Marge, so he trusted her advice. Sure enough, Marge's husband came crawling into bed and as he pulled the covers over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six feet.
"Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!"
"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again."
Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!"
"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again."
The husband got out of bed, and counted. "One, two, three, four... By gosh, you're right, dear!"
A BRUNETTE, A REDHEAD & A BLONDE all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed their boss left work early.
One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they'd leave right behind her. After all, she never called in or came back to the office when she left early, so how was she to know?
The next day, they all three left the office right after the boss left. The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the health club before meeting her dinner date.
The blonde was happy, happy, happy to be home, but when she got to the bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS.
Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day at coffee break, the brunette and redhead decided they were leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was coming with them.
"NO WAY," she exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday"
::)
Mondays Joke - Match Review Committee
Moses was sitting in the Egyptian ghetto. Things were terrible. Pharaoh wouldn't even speak to him. The rest of the Israelites were mad at him and making the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc. He was about ready to give up.
Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice spoke from above: "You, Moses, heed me ! I have good news, and bad news."
Moses was staggered. The voice continued: "You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel from bondage. If Pharaoh refuses to release your bonds, I will smite Egypt with a rain of frogs."
"You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to the Promised Land. If Pharaoh blocks your way, I will smite Egypt with a plague of Locust."
"You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to freedom and safety. If Pharaoh's army pursues you, I will part the waters of the Red Sea to open your path to the Promised Land."
Moses was stunned. He stammered, "That's...that's fantastic. I can't believe it! But what's the bad news?"
"You, Moses, must write the Environmental Impact Statement."
Does anybody else have a voice in their head that repeats “Slap the idiot, Slap the idiot!†No? Just me? hmm… Odd!
:-\
There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of a sudden he sees a shark in the water, so he starts swimming furiously towards his boat.
As he looks back, he sees the shark turn and head towards him. He's scared to death, and as he sees the jaws of the great white beast open, revealing its horrific teeth, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"
In an instant, time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"
Confused, and knowing he can't lie, the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"
The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracts back into the heavens. The man feels the water move once again.
As the atheist looks back, he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.
Shocked, the man watches as the huge beast closes its eyes, bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food which I am about to receive..."
Did you hear about the R-rated murder mystery?
In the end, everybody did it! 8)
A young blonde woman goes to an office for a job interview.
The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 3 seconds before replying "Ehh... 23!".
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot three!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Stephanie".
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"
"Ohh that!" replies the blonde, "That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'"
A few proverbs to use:
- Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
Man who drops watch in toilet bound to have crappy time.
Crowded elevator smells different to midget.
“After injuring my upper arm and wearing an ice pack, my wife accused me of giving her the cold shoulder.â€
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions.
She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes for heads, and no for tails.
Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out.
During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."
;D
Yesterday I came back to my office from Court. There was a new secretary (a very attractive blonde, of course?) in the office down the hall from me. She flagged me down and asked for help. "My floppy drive won't work, can you help me ?" she asked.
I told her I'd take a look and proceeded over to her machine, where I found shredded up clear plastic Baggie-like stuff hanging out of her 3.5" floppy drive. While I spent the next 20 minutes getting out her disk and digging out the plastic, I noticed two guys, John and Dave, in the hall trying awfully hard to keep straight faces. Suspecting some mischief, I asked her how the plastic got into the drive.
"Oh, you mean the condom!", she said.
"Condom???", I asked.
"Yes, John & Dave over there told me to always put a condom on my disk before inserting it, to prevent catching viruses."
By this point, John & Dave were roaring, and it was all I could do to keep from joining them. The "condom" turned out to be a standard 3.5" plastic sleeve. I delicately explained to her that a practical joke had been played, and she shouldn't do that anymore, when she asked (as serious as one could be):
"Does that mean I don't have to stroke it ten times or blow on it either???"
A Kiwi guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands.
He walks into a bar and Jill (the Kiwi Barmaid) takes his order, a Speights, and notices his accent.
Over the course of the night they get to know each other.
At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him.
Although she is attracted to him she says no.
He then offers to pay her $200 for sex.
Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again, orders a Speights and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200.
Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.
This goes on for 5 nights.
On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders a Speights and sits in the corner.
Jill thinks that if she pays him more some attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him again, so she goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him where he's from in New Zealand and he tells her: "Nelson".
"So am I... What suburb in Nelson?"
"Wakatu" he replies.
"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?"
"Leach Place" he replies.
"This is unbelievable..." she says,"What number?"
He says "Number 7" and she is totally astonished.
"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 9! My parents still live there!"
"I know..." he says, "Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"
;D
Why did the golfer take two pairs of pants with him to play golf?
In case he got a hole in one.
A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best b*tch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.
"And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.
Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's b*tch."
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage.
"Hey, Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its' heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic.....
"Try doing it with the engine running."
The "car way" of telling how far the relationship is:
-- Trying to impress the woman: unlocks and opens the door, waits for her to get inside, closes her door behind her
-- Dating: the guy unlocks her door and then goes around to his side to get in
-- Engaged: The man opens his door leans over and unlocks her door and opens it.
-- Married: The man gets in to the driver's seat, unlocks the doors, and says "Aren't you getting in?"
A young Irish man goes to a chemist and says to the pharmacist: "I got a hot date tonight, an' I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a' them rubbers gonna cost me?"
The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is £4.99 including tax."
"TACKS!" the shocked Irish man says. "Don't they stay on by themselves?"
::)
Two statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues faced each other for many years.
Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."
And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.
After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.
Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"
;D
“Buzz Lightyear was following a Japanese luxury car on the highway.
When he pulled around to pass, he shouted, "To Infiniti and beyond."â€
Life is too short to be serious all the time. So if you can't laugh at yourself, call me and i will laugh at you.
How many puns until you are afraid of puns?
A: Approx. one pun-dread.
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he for a long time.
The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."
Muldoon said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick replied "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."
A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George's two friends, Joe and Al.
Joe: "He's burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." Joe looked at the dead man's buttocks and said, "Nope, that ain't George."
Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al.
Al: "Wow, he's burnt to a crisp. Roll him over." Again, "Nope, that ain't George."
Mortician: "How can you tell?"
Al: "George had two assholes."
Mortician: "What? How could he have two assholes?"
Al: "Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town you'd hear people say, "Here comes George with those two assholes!"
;D
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
::)
A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.
On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"
The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"
"No." replied the CEO indignantly.
"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.
5 Stages of Being Drunk
Stage 1 - SMART
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe.
You know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen.
At this stage you are always RIGHT.
And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG.
This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you.
You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you.
Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world.
You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar.
You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets.
It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH.
You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing.
This is because nothing can hurt you.
At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money.
You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness.
At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you.
You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you.
You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.
Q: What do you call a dead atheist?
A: Someone all dressed up with nowhere to go!
A man and his wife, moved back home to South Australia, from Tasmania. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Tassie was $2000.00 a year!
When they arrived in South Australia, they went to an insurance Agency, to see how much it would cost to insure the leg.
The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '$39.00.'
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in South Australia to insure, because it cost him $2000.00 in Tassie!
The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: *Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00.
“I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.â€
One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."
"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
An old man sitting at the mall watched a teenager intently. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.
When the teenager was tired of being stared at, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man? Never did anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye when he responded, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
A day without sunshine is like, night.
o O o
Born free, taxed to death.
o O o
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.
o O o
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
o O o
What is faster Hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.
o O o
What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
o O o
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
o O o
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
o O o
Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!
o O o
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
o O o
When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
o O o
I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.
o O o
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
o O o
Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
o O o
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello (comedians), and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this.
For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK,
let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue "W"?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with computer. How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".........
8)
“My insurance did not cover acupuncture, so I got stuck with the bill.â€
The Job Security Quiz
The job security quiz will help judge how long you'll end up at your current job and what will become of you.
The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk, you...
A. Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid.
B. Inform him that you're planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources.
C. Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you've finished the level.
There's a cush job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do?
A. Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone who's been working with you.
B. Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him.
C. Barge into your bosses office and demand reassignment so that you, "Won't have to work under someone who should have retired before he became a laughingstock."
When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do?
A. Stay home and watch 'I Love Lucy' reruns.
B. Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills.
C. Go over to your bosses house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities.
Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do?
A. Listen politely, and then apologize.
B. Blame someone else.
C. Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which you've written the word "union."
When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you...
A. Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the windshield wiper.
B. Key it ... then tell the CEO's secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously.
C. Key it ... then proudly tell the CEO's secretary that you did it.
Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kid's fifth birthday party, what do you do?
A. Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too.
B. Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-worker into doing it while pretending to be you.
C. Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead.
The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean; you...
A. Clean the office while he supervises.
B. Tell him that you delegated the job, then fire the underling you supposedly gave the job to.
C. Clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss' face.
Scoring this test
Mostly A's: You have nothing to worry about. They'll never fire you because you're a doormat.
Mostly B's: You're not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other peoples feelings, you'll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! You're a real jerk.
Mostly C's: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but he's terrified of what you might do.
What did Obi-Wan-Kenobe say to Luke at the dinner table?
"Use the fork, Luke."
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
A guy, out hunting in Alaska, accidentally shoots a polar bear. Realising his mistake, he reports the incident to the local ranger.
A week later, he gets a letter in the mail, telling him that he is being taken to court by the park service. Arriving at court, he explains to the judge what happened, and the judge comes to a decision.
“As you didn’t kill this protected species intentionally, I don’t intend to send you to prisonâ€, the judge says. “However, it is still a serious error on your part, and I intend to deal with you by way of a fine, based upon the body weight of the animalâ€.
“For every one pound of body weight, you will be fined $10â€. Consulting his records, the judge finds the weight of the bear, as recorded by the park services, and calls for a calculator. After a minute of two, he calls the hunter to the bench, and gives his judgement; a fine of $9,000.
The representative of the park services jumps to his feet, and approaches the judge. “Your Honourâ€, he says, “With the greatest respect, I believe you’ve made a mistake in your calculationsâ€.
“We weighed the animal shortly after it was shot, and it weighed a total of 1000 poundsâ€. “Surely, based on that measurement, the fine should be $10,000â€.
The judge looks at the ranger, and says, “I made a calculation, taking into consideration, the animals’ weight, minus its two front pawsâ€. Looking rather confused, the ranger asks, “but why did you not include the front paws in your calculation?â€
“Becauseâ€, the judge replies, “Every American has the right to bear arms!â€
8)
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself In the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
::)
How God Created the Computer
In the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero; nothing.
On the first day, He toggled the 0 to 1, and the Universe was. (In those days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and "active low" signals didn't yet exist.)
On the second day, God's boss wanted a demo, and tried to read the bit. This being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0. And the universe wasn't. God learned the importance of backups and memory refresh, and spent the rest of the day ( and his first all-nighter ) reconstructing the universe.
On the third day, the bit cried "Oh, Lord! If you exist, give me a sign!" And God created rev 2.0 of the bit, even better than the original prototype. Those in Universe Marketing immediately realized the the "new and improved" wouldn't do justice to such a grand and glorious creation. And so it was dubbed the Most Significant Bit, or the Sign bit. Many bits followed, but only one was so honored.
On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with 'add' and 'logical shift' instructions. And the original bit discovered that by performing a single shift instruction, it could become the Most Significant Bit. And God realized the importance of computer security.
On the fifth day, God created the first mid-life kicker, rev 2.0 of the ALU, with wonderful features, and said "Screw that add and shift stuff. Go forth and multiply." And God saw that it was good.
On the sixth day, God got a bit overconfident, and invented pipelines, register hazards, optimizing compilers, crosstalk, restartable instructions, microinterrupts, race conditions, and propagation delays. Historians have used this to convincingly argue that the sixth day must have been a Monday.
On the seventh day, an engineering change introduced UNIX into the Universe, and it hasn't worked right since.
Did you hear about the baby that was born in a high tech. hospital?
It came out cordless!
;D
Theorem: All numbers are equal.
Proof: Choose arbitrary a and b, and let t = a + b. Then
a + b = t
(a + b)(a - b) = t(a - b)
a^2 - b^2 = ta - tb
a^2 - ta = b^2 - tb
a^2 - ta + (t^2)/4 = b^2 - tb + (t^2)/4
(a - t/2)^2 = (b - t/2)^2
a - t/2 = b - t/2
a = b
So all numbers are the same, and math is pointless.
When I tell the barista they got my order wrong, I get missed-tea eyed.
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.
However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.
Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.
Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.
Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
8)
What do you call two people in an ambulance?
A pair of medics
Think about it ::)
Two strands of DNA were walking down the street.
One says to the other, "Do these genes make me look fat?
Q: What animal rotates at least 200 times after it dies?
A: A rotisserie chicken.
“In political landscapes the mudslinging precedes the landslides!â€
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.
The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?". The woman says "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."
A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Priest: "What did you do?" Man: "I committed adultery." Priest:"How many times?" Man: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Rabbi: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed adultery." Rabbi: "How many times?" Woman: "Once." Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."
"Update the force, Luke"
- Adobe Wan Kenobi
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small churchfound a pink envelopecontaining $1,000. It happened again the next week!
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering wascollected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctivepink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks untilthe pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 aweek in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends memoney and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot,are you sure you can afford this? How much does he sendyou?"
The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful;what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea theymade that much money," the pastor said. "Where doeshe practice?"
The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada .. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno"
;D
A magazine reporter is traveling through a rainforest, in search of a fabled cannibalistic tribe. He falls into a trap, goes unconscious and wakes up tied to a stake with a fire burning slowly underneath him.
He cries out for help, and is answered by what is obviously one of the tribesmen, who informs him that he is going to be served as dinner to the leader of the tribe.
"But you don't understand!" he cries, "You can't do this to me! I'm an editor for the New Yorker magazine!"
"Ah," replies the tribesman, "Well soon you will be editor-in-chief!"
George, who was 70-years-old, went for his annual physical. All of his test results came back normal. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?"
George replied, "God and me are real tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, POOF the light goes on when I pee, and then POOF the light goes off when I'm done."
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"
A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife.
"Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great, but I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and, POOF the light goes on in the bathroom, and then POOF it goes off when he's done?"
Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
::)
A guy is trying to relax at home, but his wife keeps nagging him to mow the lawn. Finally, in between nags he blurts out, "Answer just this one question for me."
She pauses momentarily, and he takes this opportunity to say, "You know, a Deer, a Cow, and a Horse, all eat grass. But a Deer's excretions are pellets, while a Cow makes flat pies, and a Horse makes clumps...why is that?"
His wife says, "I don't know."
He replies, "Well then, how can you bring up the subject of the lawn, when it's obvious you don't know sh*t?"
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was “Timbuktu.â€
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a huntin’ went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
A couple of days ago I went to a bar with some friends. Above the bar I noticed a sign that read: "For Sale. 2015 Henway. Excellent Condition. Make Offer." So I asked the bartender, "What's a henway?" He said, "Oh, about two to three kilograms."
Q: What's the only difference between ass kissing and brown nosing?
A: Depth perception.
8)
A woman wanted to call her husband on his phone but discovered that the battery on her phone was dead. So she instructed her young son to use his phone to pass an urgent message to his daddy.
After junior called, he told his mummy that a woman had picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried calling.
Angry, she waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and, upon seeing him in the driveway, rushed out and gave him a tight slap. And then another, for good measure. People in the neighborhood saw the commotion and came out to see what would develop further.
Noticing the gathering of neighbors, the angry woman asked her son to tell everybody what the woman on the phone had said to him when he called.
Junior said: "The woman's voice said, 'The number you have dialed is currently not in service. Please try again later.'"
Notice Paul Keating gets a mention ;)
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
Abraham Lincoln
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
Groucho Marx
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
Winston Churchill, in response
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy."
Walter Kerr
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
Jack E. Leonard
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
Thomas Brackett Reed
"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
Andrew Lang
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
Billy Wilder
Q: Why didn’t the melons get married?
A: Because they cantaloupe.
"So," Jane asked the detective she had hired. "Did you trail my husband?"
"Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out-of-the-way restaurant and then to an apartment."
A big smile crossed Jane's face. "Aha! I've got him!" she said gloating, "Is there any doubt what he was doing?"
"No ma'am." replied the sleuth, "It's pretty clear that he was following you."
Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.
The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed."
The second kid replies,"Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door."
There was a blond a brunette, and a red-head and they were walking down the street.
A short man came up to them and said: in that castle there is a magic mirror, if u look into the mirror and tell the truth you will be granted any wish you please, but if you lie you will be banished into the mirror forever.
The girls went to the castle and the red-head went in first shhe said:
I think I am the prettiest out of the blond and the brunette, she got a pot of silver.
Next the brunette went in she said:
I think I am the smartest out of the red-head and the blond, she got a new car.
The blond went in to try her luck she walked up to the mirror and said:
I think...
She was vanished into the mirror forever.
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."
The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."
The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma."
The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"
8)
The secret of a good sermon is
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
~George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea ...
Visit people only once a year.
~Victor Borge
What would men be without women?
Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce.
~Mark Twain
By all means, marry.
If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~Socrates
I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
~Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
~Jimmy Durante
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
~Jilly Cooper
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
~ Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
~Alex Levine
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
~Mark Twain
Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
~Spike Milligan
What's the use of happiness?
It can't buy you money.
~Henny Youngman Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.
~Joe Namath
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
~Herbert Henry Asquith
I don't feel old.
I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
~Bob Hope
A woman drove me to drink ...
and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.
~W.C. Fields
It takes only one drink to get me drunk.
The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
~George Burns
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out.
~Unknown
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
~Billy Crystal
;D
Signs of Irony...
Maternity Clothes Shop:
We Are Open On Labor Day
Non-smoking area:
If We See You Smoking, We Will Assume You Are On Fire And Take Appropriate Action
On Maternity Room Door:
Push,Push,Push
Optometrist's Office:
If You Don't See What You're Looking For,You've Come To The Right Place
Scientist's Door:
Gone Fission
Taxidermist Window:
We Really Know Our Stuff
Podiatrist's Window:
Time Wounds All Heels
Butcher's Window:
Let Me Meat Your Needs
Car Dealership:
The Best Way To Get Back On Your Feet - Miss a Car Payment
Muffler Shop:
No Appointment Necessary. We'll Hear You Coming
Hotel:
Help! We Need Inn - Experienced People
Veterinarian's Waiting Room:
Be Back In 5 Minutes. Sit! Stay!
Music Teacher's Door:
Out Chopin
At the Electric Company:
We Would Be Delighted If You Send In Your Bill. However, If You Don't, You Will Be.
Garbage Truck:
We've Got What It Takes To Take What You've Got
Computer Store:
Out For a Quick Byte
Restaurant Window:
Don't Stand There and Be Hungry, Come In And Get Fed Up
Bowling Alley:
Please Be Quiet. We Need To Hear A Pin Drop.
Music Library:
Bach In A Minuet
8)
A Senator was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.
But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise."
;D
Phil had just joined a club after his friend had recommended it (being a member for quite some time). They were sitting at the bar having their beers when someone yelled "21" and there was a small uproar of laughter. A few minutes later someone else yelled "34" and another roar of laughter rose up. Phil, confused about this asked his friend "Why is everyone laughing at the numbers being called out" His friend said, well we've been telling the same jokes for so many years that we just numbered them all and if you want to tell a joke you just call out a number" Phil nodded and said "Can I try?" His friend nodded and Phil called out "121" and everyone in the club roared with laughter and it didn't die down for at least another 15 minutes after. "Why did everyone laugh so hard at that joke?" Phil asked. His friend said with a small chuckle "We haven't heard that one before."
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh! We’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts.
He communicates really well, and I just act like I'm listening."
Quote from: T Dog on August 10, 2015, 04:22:27 PM
Phil had just joined a club after his friend had recommended it (being a member for quite some time). They were sitting at the bar having their beers when someone yelled "21" and there was a small uproar of laughter. A few minutes later someone else yelled "34" and another roar of laughter rose up. Phil, confused about this asked his friend "Why is everyone laughing at the numbers being called out" His friend said, well we've been telling the same jokes for so many years that we just numbered them all and if you want to tell a joke you just call out a number" Phil nodded and said "Can I try?" His friend nodded and Phil called out "121" and everyone in the club roared with laughter and it didn't die down for at least another 15 minutes after. "Why did everyone laugh so hard at that joke?" Phil asked. His friend said with a small chuckle "We haven't heard that one before."
Liked this one!
Thanks Spite ;D
Two Eagles, an old Indian chief, sat in his hut on the reservation smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him.
One US official said to Chief Two Eagles, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he has done."
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the two government officials for over a minute...
"When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled before he added, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
There was a man who said,
"I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.
A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. -- Bruce Friedman
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. -- Marvin Kitman
A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. -Marriage quotes2// Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced.
Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.
Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth.
8)
A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."
The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field." The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."
So the old farmer went about his farm chores.
Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!!
The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!"
Diary of a computer lamer
July 18
I just tried to connect to America online, which I've heard is the best online service I can get. I can't connect, I don't know what is wrong.
July 19
Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?
July 20
I bought the modem, I couldn't figure out where it goes though, it wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.
July 21
I finally got the modem in and hooked up. A three year old next door did it for me.
July 22
The three year old kid next door hooked me up to America online for me. He's so smart.
July 23
What the heck is the internet? I thought I was on America Online, not this internet thingy. I'm confused.
July 24
The three year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. He must be a genius at least compared to me.
July 25
I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. Maybe I need to buy a microphone.
July 26
I found this thingy called Usenet. I got out of it because I'm connected to America Online, not Usenet. I went to the doctor today for my regular checkup. He says that since I connected, My brain has mysteriously shrunk to half its normal size.
July 27
These people in this Usenet thingy keep using capital letters. How do they do that? i never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.
July 28
I found this thingy called the Usenet oracle. It says that it can answer any questions I ask it. I asked it 44 separate questions about the internet. I hope it responds soon.
July 29
I found a group called rec.humor. I decided to post this joke about why the chicken crossed the road. To get to the other side! ha ha! I wasn't sure if i posted it right so I posted it 56 more times.
July 30
I keep hearing about the World Wide Web. I didn't know spiders grew that large.
July 31
The oracle responded to my questions today. Geez, it was rude. I was so angry that I posted an angry message about it to rec.humor.oracle.d. I wasn't sure if it posted right so I posted it 22 more times.
August 1
Someone told me to read the FAQ. Geez, they didn't have to use profanity.
August 2
I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited, I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup i could find.
August 3
I just made my signature file. It's only 6 pages long, So I will have to work on it some more.
August 4
I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the Earth. I wonder what an "aol" is, however.
August 5
I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked, but I cant find that group.
August 6
Some guy suspended my account because of what i was doing. I told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.
::)
What do you call a catholic church studying the life of Moses?
Mass Exodus
One day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all humans on Earth to die. To sort things out, everyone went to Heaven. God came in and said,
"I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men who ruled their women on Earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines.
The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man.
God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!
Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here." 8)
Q: What happens if you cut off your right butt cheek?
A: You'll be left behind.
In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt. A couple of weeks before his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt.
He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"
So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed. A few days later the tailor called the lad back to the shop.
"Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."
So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase. Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.
When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "Well, what'd ye think?"
"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.
"Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as he lifted his kilt to show here.
"Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.
Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, "Aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"
8)
Hillary Clinton has finally announced she will be running for President. Yes, finally. She says this is a great step forward for all women... who happen to be married to a former president.
::)
What's the similarity between Stan Wawrinka's girlfriend and the South African cricket team?
They've both tried Quitting de Kock.
an explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm flowered."
There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No you are NOT flowered. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living shower out of the chief.
As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, God's voice booms out again: "Okay . . . NOW you're flowered."
;D
Q: Why did the duck travel to a dangerous neighborhood?
A: He wanted to buy some quack.
Q: What do you call the space between Kim Kardashian's breasts and butt cheeks?
A: Silicon Valley.
Q: Where are average things made?
A: In the satisfactory.
Once you hit 40, you may begin to feel youthless. 8)
It's that time of year to take our annual seniorcitizen test. Exercising the brain is as importantas exercising muscles. As we grow older, it'simportant to keep mentally alert. If you don't useit, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gaugeyour loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you'relosing it or not. The spaces below are so you don'tsee the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give upnow and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself.If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk"
What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as AutoWorld. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks , what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why the heck are you still reading these??? If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during theflight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" betweenEast Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man's land"?
Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on . In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen,six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!
Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you.
PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.
A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.
"That's a lot of chicks," commented the proprietor. "I mean business," the city slicker replied.
A week later the yuppie was back again. "I need another 100 chicks," he said. "Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him.
"Yeah," the yuppie replied. "If I can iron out a few problems." "Problems?" asked the proprietor. "Yeah," replied the yuppie, "I think I planted that last batch too close together."
This guy pulls into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure his dog had fresh air. The dog was stretched out in the back seat, and the guy wanted to impress upon he that he must remain there. The guy walked to the curb backward, pointing his finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!†The driver of a nearby car gave the guy a startled look “I don’t know about you, man,†he said incredulously. “But I usually just put my car in park.â€
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny.
"She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear a blood-curdling scream from down the hall, "Oh my gosh!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
8)
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
Q: How do you catch a bra?
A: Set up a boobie trap.
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
Q: What did one casket say to the sick casket?
A: "Is that you coughin'?"
Q: Why did the blonde stand in front of the mirror with her eyes closed?
A: She wanted to know what she looked like when she was sleeping.
“My noodle soup doesn't taste that good. It really laksa certain quality.â€
Breast implants are Parton parcel of a celebrity career.
8)
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of an enormous forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
A blonde received a certificate for helicopter flying lessons for her birthday. One day she was bored and decided to take advantage of the opportunity.
When she arrived at the place, the man said "Well, there's only one helicopter here, and it only has one seat, if I show you how to do it, do you mind going up solo?"
"Oh of course! I can handle it" the blonde replied.
Well, he showed her the inner-workings of the helicopter and sent her on her way, only asking that she radio in every 400ft. just to make sure everything was going smoothly.
at 400ft, she radioed in saying "wow! this is so much fun!"
At 800 ft. She radioed in again saying "this is pretty easy, I can do this all day!"
At 1200 ft. She didnt. he waited and waited, and didn't hear from the blonde! seconds later he heard a crash in the field next to the station. He ran out to see what happened, the blonde crashed!
Luckily she survived, "what happened?" he exclaimed.
"Well, I was doing fine, but, I started to get cold, so I just turned off the big fan!"
:o
A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?"
"Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?"
"Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..."
"What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?"
"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!
The CEO walks up the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "He's the pizza delivery guy."
A very well-built young lady was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was.
"I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed, I tried being a writer and failed, then I tried being a sales clerk, and I failed at that too."
The shrink thought for a moment and said, "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"
The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says, "Well, I'll give it a try!"
:o
A mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter's plane. She had just come back from a far away land trying to find adventure.
As the daughter was exiting the plane, the mother noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head. The daughter introduced this man as her new husband.
The mother gasped in disbelief and disappointment and screamed, "I said for you to marry a RICH Doctor! A RICH Doctor!"
;D
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds like a fun idea if you don't know what either of those things are.
A blonde cooking diary"
MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.
WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY: Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy).For some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with chocolate moose.
Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died.
Woman #1: I froze to death.
Woman #2: How horrible!
Woman #1: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
Woman #2: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
Woman #1: So what happened?
Woman #2: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!
Woman #1: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.
::)
My boss called me today and said, "How's it going at the office today? Is everything okay?"
I told him, "Yep, all under control. It's been busy. I haven't had a break all day."
"Great. Can you do me a favor?"
"Sure, boss. What?"
"Speed up play; I'm in the foursome behind you!"
:-[
At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makesit very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother. He says, "I know thewhole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your daddy a great big hug!"
8)
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.
When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
Why do married men gain weight and bachelors don’t?
The bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.
8)
Grazz went to the hospital in Salisbury, South Australia to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.
According to the nurse attending the operation, the Grazz's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket. She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep
I don't know what's worse:
1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
OR...
3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.
“When it was hot and sunny I saw a line of blokes outside a hairdressers. I thought what a lovely day to have a barber queue!â€
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The friut shop owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of fresh fruit.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?
"No," said the little boy... "It's a puppy!"
A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop.The officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!"
The sailor picked up the broom and started to sweep the chain.
Just then, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the tern off the broomhandle, giving the bird a toss.
The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle.The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result.
He couldn't get any cleaning done because he could only sweep at thec hain once or twice before the silly bird came back.
When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor.
"What on earth have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?"barked the chief.
"Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"
8)
One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.
About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.
"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"
The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"
"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.
"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.
The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.
The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.
"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.
The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"
Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"
The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"
The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.
While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her. "Hello!" "How are you? We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you!"
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked."Love."
The woman correctly spelled love, and Saint Peter welcomed her into heaven.
About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action.
The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff.
Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!" The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind. The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!"
The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!
..from Taylor Walker on MMM a couple of weeks ago.
Tex: What's the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.
Actual newspaper headlines....
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Stud Tires Out
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.
Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.
Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!"
The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"
;D
“It's the barbecue I've always wanted - the grill of my dreams!â€
::)
A new business is open and one of the owner’s friends wants to send him flowers for the occasion.
They arrive at the business site and the owner reads the card: “Rest in Peace.â€
Understandably the owner is angry and calls the florist to complain.
After he tells the florist the obvious mistake and how angry he is, the florist replies, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a card saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location.’â€
A cop sees a car weaving all over the road and pulls it over. He walks up to the car and sees a nice-looking woman is driving and smells liquor on her breath. He says, "I'm going to have to give you the breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."
She blows up the balloon and he walks over to the police car.
After a couple of minutes comes back and says, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."
She replies "You mean it shows that, too?"
Great news!
Some of the old favorite singers and bands have re-released their great hits with new titles and lyrics to accommodate their aging
audience.
Some examples:
Herman's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"
The Rolling Stones: "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"
Credence Clearwater Revival: "Bad Prune Rising"
Marvin Gaye: "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
The Who: "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"
The Troggs: "Bald Thing"
Carly Simon: "You're So Varicose Vein"
The Bee Gees: "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
Roberta Flack: "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Johnny Nash: "I Can't See Clearly Now"
The Temptations: "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"
ABBA: "Denture Queen"
Leo Sayer: "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
Commodores: "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"
Procol Harem: "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
The Beatles: "I Get By With a Little Help From Depends".
;D
Steven Wright Quotes:
If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen!
What do batteries run on?
Are there any questions?
I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came back.
I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it. You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and it starts to snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow that does it in rows.
[Later] I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it... Just checking.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
;D
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for small, $6500 for medium, and $14,000 for large. The man was sure he wanted a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."
“When my ice house falls apart igloo it back together.â€
“Economists report that garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sales of fresh flowers.â€
A drunk had 14 shots of tequilla. After he decides to go home.
2 minutes later the drunk runs back in the bar. He asks the bartender for the phone, and the drunk calls 911, "Is there a problem, sir," asks the operator. "Yes," replies the drunk replies,"someone broke into my car, they stole the stearing wheel, the brake pedal, the accelerator and even the dashboard."
Minutes later police arrive on the scene.
The drunk goes up to the head officer and says, "nevermind, i got into the backseat by mistake."
A blonde walks into a winter clothing store. She picks out a scarf and brings it to the counter to pay for it.
When she gets home, she turns right back around and takes it back to the store.
The store clerk asks why she's returning the scarf. "Because," she says, "it's too tight!"
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:
"'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."
I gave up honey, if you can bee leave it. 8)
Two Irishmen were talking:
The first asks, "Connor, you know that guy Trump who is running for President?"
Connor says, “I do Sean, I do."
"Well", says Sean, "The next time he gets up to talk, I'd like to see someone throw a shoe at his head".
"Now, now, you know you're not supposed to wish harm on anyone", says Connor.
"Oh!†says Sean, "I'm not wishing him harm, and I just want to see Donald duck."
::)
Question:
Schwarzenegger has a big one, Michael J. Fox has a small one, Madonna doesn't have one, The Pope has one but doesn't use it, Bill Clinton uses his all the time, what is it?
(Scroll for the answer...)
Answer: A last name
;D
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you dog". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach, "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your ass".
Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly you're a lippy barbie!"
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first griiron game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
'What's up?' he says.
'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling. his four-year-old son comes up and says,
`Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!'
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
'You jerk,' yells the husband, 'my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!'
A blonde walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes.
"How do they feel?" asks the salesclerk. "Well, they feel a bit tight," replies the blonde.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the blonde’s feet.
"Try pulling the tongue out," offers the clerk.
“Nath, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth,†the blonde replies.
“Canus Major was the original alpha dog.â€
With Viagra being such a great medical success for increasing men's sexual prowess, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society.
Here are a few of the new ones:
DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gift safter taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.
FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.
I have placed online orders for the all...Watch out ladies... 8)
" Doctor, I get this overpowering urge to sing 'Delilah'. Then I get this urge to sing 'The Green Green Grass of Home"
" Hmmm, you are suffering from Tom Jones syndrome."
" I've never heard of that doctor. Is it a rare complaint?"
"It's not unusual"
Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow.The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings!
Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing.
Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.
The Moral of the Story:
Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy
Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.
And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.
I was reading about this new diet where you're not allowed to drink alcohol. Well, I read the first sentence at least.
Quote from: T Dog on September 15, 2015, 12:05:29 PM
Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow.The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings!
Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing.
Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.
The Moral of the Story:
Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy
Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.
And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.
The Moral of the Story: Conform
Things to ponder
1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
2. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
3. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
4. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
5. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
6. Life is sexually transmitted
7. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
8. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, “Quit while you’re ahead?â€
9. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die
10. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
11. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.
12. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
13. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
14. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
15. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
16. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
17. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
18. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
19. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
20. How is it one careless match can start a bush fire, but it takes a whole box to start a bbq?
Three Blonds are walking down the street when they see some tracks.
The first one said "I think they are dog tracks",
The second one said "I think they are cow tracks".
The third one said "I think they are Dodo bird tracks".
What happened next?
They all got hit by a train!
If Only...
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd be Ella Vader.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.
If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him tomarry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.
If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.
G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.
If Jack Handy married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.
If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, -
he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.
The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies." He asked how many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies? About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. Now about 80 % held up their hands.He then repeated his question once more. All responded, except one elderly lady.
"Mrs. Johnson, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Johnson that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three," she replied.
"Mrs. Johnson, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle and said, "I outlived every one of those bitc#es"
A motorcycle policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However, the policeman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.
Written in large black letters was the sentence: Get well soon....from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it's today."
The bartender said, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one's on me."
As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink, too." The lady said, "Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water."
"Coming up," said the bartender.
As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink too." The lady said, "Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch, with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender said.
As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman giggled, and replied, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."
Two Hindu swamis were in conversation.
One said to the other, "How did you like my latest book, 'The Art of Levitation'?"
His companion replied, "It kept me up all night."
A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. "Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line!"
Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sent her husband to a therapist who wound up treating him with self-hypnosis. And, to her joy, everything got much better.
However, she could not help but notice that each night, early into their lovemaking, the husband would dash out to the bathroom for several minutes.
This tormented her until finally, one night, she followed him. There, in front of the mirror, she found him applying this therapeutic technique: "She's not my wife... She's not my wife...She's not my wife..."
These are a little late but still funny ;D
The corruption surrounding FIFA president, Sepp Blatter, is extremely serious, so obviously there are loads of jokes about it! Here are a few of my favourites…
Sepp Blatter â€" the sound made when the shower hits the fan
Sepp Blatter’s been accused of sitting on his hands. Well, we all know why. If you do it ‘til your hand goes numb it feels like someone else is taking all the bribes…
The FIFA president has resigned. It was only a blatter of time.
Sepp Blatter is retiring to spend more time with his money.
This Sepp Blatter business proves that crime does pay, but only for a mere 39 years.
Sepp Blatter vowed to clean up the corruption at FIFA. So he resigned. Job done.
Blatt’s all folks!
FIFA: Blatter out than in!
How to get rid of a Blatter infection: apply the right amount of pressure and it goes away on its own.
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up.
The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars." The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.
Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"
The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"
A church's bell ringer passed away.
The church posted the job opening in the local newspaper's classified ads and a man came in with no arms wanting the job.
The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it.
They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head, producing a beautiful melody.
They gave him the job on the spot. The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below.
Two priests were walking past. One asked, "Do you know this guy?" The other responded, "No, but his face rings a bell."
The next day, the dead man's twin brother came in for the again vacant bell ringer position.
He also had no arms. The clergy led him up to the bell tower, where he ran at the bell, tripped and fell to the sidewalk below. The same two priests walked up. The first asked, "Do you know him?" The second responded, "No, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
8)
A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"
Two nuns were in the back of the convent smoking a cigarette, when one said, "It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them."
The second nun said, "I've found a marvelous invention called a condom which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later."
The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them. "You get them at a drug store, sister. Just go and ask the pharmacist for them."
The next day the good sister went to the drugs store and walked up to the counter."Good morning, sister," the pharmacist said, "what can I do for you today?" "I'd like some condoms please," said the nun.
The druggist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked, "How many boxes would you like? There are 12 to a box." "I'll take six boxes. That should last about a week," said the nun.
The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time and was almost afraid to ask any more questions. But his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice. "Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra large, and the big liar size."
The sister thought for a minute and finally said: "I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?"
A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house) and would always leave with a stringer full of fish.
The fellow had a boat but a fishing pole was not to be seen. The farmer mentioned the situation to the game warden. The warden then started watching this man and all that the farmer said was true! The man would arrive at the lake in the morning and by early afternoon, he had a stringer full of fish.
The warden dressed like a fisherman one day and approached the man. They exchanged pleasantries and the stranger asked the warden in disguise to come fish with him. They boated for 45 minutes and arrived at a secluded spot.
The stranger then pulled out a stick of dynamite. The warden said, "I'm going to have to place you under arrest--I am a game warden and you are fishing illegally!"
The stranger calmly lit the stick of dynamite and handed it to the warden. The stranger then said, "Are you gonna talk or fish?"
A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the
door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden.
It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the
phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon.
She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the
phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,
"Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your
saxophone last night!"
::)
Q: Who is the Patron Saint of Email?
A: St. Francis of a CC
;D
All of Broomtown was a buzz because boy-broom and girl-broom were going to get married. Everyone felt certain that the bride-broom and the groom-broom would make a lovely couple.
The night before the wedding, however, bride-broom told groom-broom that she was going to have a little wisk-broom.
"But, how can that be?" wailed groom-broom, "We haven't even swept together yet!"
Never trust an acupuncturist
They're Back-stabbers
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.
"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
Q: What do you get when you cross an impressionist painter with a cranky taxi driver?
A: You get Vincent Van Go flower Yourself.
8)
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system the Captain announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther, "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks, "What was that for?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us!"
And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
A woman's favorite position is CEO.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
I plead contemporary insanity.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
Meandering to a different drummer.
I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
8)
At a paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked, "On the night of July 16th last, at approximately 11:45 p.m., in the locale known generally as 'Lover's Lane' did the defendant have sexual relations with you?"
"Yes," whispered the girl, her head bowed.
"And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax?"
the lawyer continued.
"Oh no," she replied, "I'm pretty sure... he had one of them fancy Mitsubishis."
Q: What do you call a dead atheist?
A: Someone all dressed up with nowhere to go!
An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down.
An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, the Indian let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'yahoo' and rode off.
'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service station attendant.
'Nothing,' shrugged the woman, 'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'
'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians ride bareback...'
“I asked Kermit the Frog what I should use to join the pieces of metal, but all he said was, 'Rivet, rivet.'â€
When I was walking around the super market I noticed a blonde staring really hard at a carton of orange juice.
I asked her what she was doing.
She said "Well, it says on the carton 'concentrate'".
“I have been blogging about my recent surgery and recovery from abdominal surgery.
I call my blog 'The Chronicles of Hernia'.â€
Q: What do you call a man attacked by a cat?
A: Claude.
8)
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by itslef but the wrod as a wlohe.
Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop.
In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent.
He asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"
Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick-tock tick -tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'"
The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock.
He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face.
Then he says in a menacing voice, "Ve haf vays of making you tock!"
My girlfriend said she was sick of me pretending to be a detective...
...and that "we should split up"
"Good idea", I said, "that way we can cover more ground"
A blonde goes to a coke machine.
She puts in two dollars and gets a coke.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"
I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfes.
An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally, they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.
"Well," she says, responding carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word or two?"
Quote from: T Dog on October 04, 2015, 08:55:26 PM
An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally, they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.
"Well," she says, responding carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word or two?"
Hahahaha ;D
When my wife and I decided to get married we'd been going out for a few years. We really loved each other and we wanted everything to be perfect... and pretty much everything was, except that one thing had been bothering me. Her sister was a babe and many times I visited, she would flirt with me, bending over in front of me, things I didn't want to acknowledge.
Well a couple of nights before the wedding, she called me over to help her with some boxes. She was moving out of her apartment. When I arrived, I found her alone on the couch wearing decidedly little. I was shocked and she explained to me that she'd always wanted me and that it was her final opportunity, as these were my last few days as a bachelor. Well, I didn't know what to do. She told me she would go upstairs and wait and if I wanted to, I could follow her, but if I didn't, I could just leave.
I waited for a moment and then went outside only to find her dad almost in tears with joy saying he knew now that I was really the right man and that I had his blessing to marry his daughter. This was a test to see just how loyal I was!
Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.
flowering brilliant haha
Cat issues:
"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." --Dave Platt
"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer." --BruceGraham
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." --Unknown
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." --Anonymous
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow." --Jeff Valdez
"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." --English proverb
"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." --Ellen Perry Berkeley
"One cat just leads to another." --Ernest Hemmingway
"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." --Mary Bly
"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." --Joseph Wood Krutch
"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." --Faith Resnick
"There are many intelligent species in the universe.They are all owned by cats." --Anonymous
"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." --HippolyteTaine
"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me." --Unknown
"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." --Albert Schweitzer
"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." --Ernest Menaul
"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."
"Time spent with cats is never wasted." --Colette
"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." --Missy Dizick
"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats." --Colonial American proverb
"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." --Joseph WoodKrutch
"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic"
"My husband said it was either him or the cat ... I miss him sometimes."
8)
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"
"No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way."
Q: Did you hear abut the hungry clock?
A: It went back four seconds.
8)
A man is madly in love with a princess and wants to propose, but an evil witch has cast a spell on him, and now he can say only one word a year.
So he waits 14 agonizing years â€" accumulating all his words â€" before approaching his beloved. Finally, the big day arrives. When he sees her, his heart skips a beat.
He gathers his nerve, drops to his knees, and intones, "My darling, I have waited many years to say this â€" will you marry me?"
The princess turns around, smiles, and says, "Pardon?"
I was just thinking:-
1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto!
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink..
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer..
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button .
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives.
7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
8)
It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly," she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!"
The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room. "Where is he?" asked the receptionist.
"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel. The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"
"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"
I cant seal the deal in my dreams. I hit on women in real life and they're like, In your dreams. I'm like, No. Not even there.
You'll Know It's a No-Frills Airline If:
They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.
You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for fuel.
When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."
No movie. Don't need one.
Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
“If you can't choose between an angry psychic and a sad psychic, you'll have to find a happy medium.â€
Q: What do you get when Dolly Parton does the backstroke?
A: Islands In The Stream.
A concerned woman phones a doctor and says, "Doctor, I'm worried about my husband. He thinks he's a dog!"
"I'm coming over right away," the doctor says.
When the doctor arrives, the woman opens the door, and her husband, on all four, starts wagging his bottom and licking the doctor's hand.
"Interesting", the doctor says, startled. "I'll examine him. Make him lie down on the sofa."
"Doctor", the woman says, "I can't! He's not allowed the sofa!"
Business One-liners
You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.
You can observe a lot just by watching.
You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few coins into the machine.
You can't fall off the floor.
You can't get here from there.
You can't guard against the arbitrary.
You can't outtalk a man who knows what he's talking about.
You can't push a rope.
You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it.
You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash when the garbage truck is two doors away.
No1 ;D
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"
"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."
Cop pulls over a car with a couple in it.
"What's the problem officer?"
"Sir, you were going 68 in a 50-zone."
"What, that's ridiculous! I did no such thing!"
"Sir, I caught you with my radar gun, and it's always accurate, but I’ll give you some leeway and reduce it to 62.
"Well, not this time, asshole. I know I was doing 54! I'll take it to court, you son of a dog!" The cop hands the man the ticket, and he rips it up.
"Sir, I'm going to have to insist you calm down, or I'll put you under arrest."
Suddenly, the wife interjects, "Mister, I wouldn't push it. There's no use arguing with him when he's drunk."
My ex-wife and I could not reconcile our marriage because of religious differences.
She thought she was God.
I disagreed.
::)
Deep Thoughts I have had lately 8)
1. Nothing stinks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
2. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
3. There is a great need for a sarcasm font.
4. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.
5. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
6. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
7. Was learning to write in cursive really necessary?
8. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
9. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
10. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
11. Googlemaps really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
12. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
13. Bad decisions make good stories.
14. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
15. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
16. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring, but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
17. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
18. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
19. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
::)
Keep thinking :o
1.) Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2.) If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
3.) There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
4.) People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5.) And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6.) You should not confuse your career with your life.
7.) No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8.) When trouble arises & things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution & is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.
9.) Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10.) A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
11.) Never lick a steak knife.
12.) Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
13.) "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
14.) You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15.) Your REAL friends still love you anyway.
A minister decided to try something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out, "Cross!"
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison "The Old Rugged Cross."
The pastor hollered out, "Grace!" The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."
The pastor said, "Power!" The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood."
The Pastor said, "Sex!"
The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, from the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."
A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.
Surprised, the pharmacist asks, "Madam, what do you want with arsenic?"
The woman replies that she wants to kill her husband.
Horrified, the pharmacist says, "Madam, I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!"
The woman reaches into her handbag, takes out a photograph and lays it down on the counter. The photo shows a man and a woman in a sexually compromising position. The man is her husband. The pharmacist recognises his wife as the woman in the photograph.
The pharmacist picks up the photo and nods, "Ah, madam, I didn't realise you had a prescription."
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $25,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land , for $550."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $25,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $550?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance".
Two nuns were driving down a country road when they ran out of gas.
They walked to a farmhouse and a farmer gave them some gasoline; but the only container he had was an old bedpan.
The nuns were happy to take whatever they were offered and returned to their car.
As they were pouring the gasoline from the bedpan into the tank of their car, a minister drove by.
He stopped, rolled down his window and said, "Excuse me, sisters. I'm not of your religion, but I couldn't help admiring your faith....!"
A blonde goes to the doctor's and find out she is pregnant with twins.
She starts crying and the doctor asks her what's wrong.
She replies, "I know who the dad is for one of them but I don't know who the dad is for the other one!"
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly
$1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.
Bill Gates dies and goes to Hell. Satan greets him and says, "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of fine wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner.
Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.
Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.
"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all?"
"That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "But the bottle has a hole in it!"
"Why the PC?", he continued ", "It's got the latest version of Windows and it's missing three keys!"
"Which three?" said Lucifer.
"Control, Alt and Delete!"
8)
“The animals at the zoo started rioting. A porcupine was brought in to quill the uprising.â€
"Where am I going and why am I in this handbasket?"
Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate halloween..........
........I guess they don't appreciate random people knocking on their doors.
;D
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.
As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."
She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"
She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"
Two fellows from Alabama were sitting around talking one afternoon.
After a while the first fellow says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about that, but it sure would make us even."
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
Ponderings continued ;D
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
8)
“I saw a poster for a company offering free quotes, so I called them and asked for something profound.â€
Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of the truck in front of him.
Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.
Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road.
The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box.
It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry, Sir," the first policeman told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver demanded to know the reason.
The policeman replied . . . "Tacks evasion."
Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money
:o Too Soon?
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water".
I know of a joke:
TDog
Quote from: Atto on October 23, 2015, 12:04:51 PM
I know of a joke:
TDog
Watch out, the next joke is gonna have you in it now! ;D
Quote from: PowerBug on October 23, 2015, 12:42:52 PM
Quote from: Atto on October 23, 2015, 12:04:51 PM
I know of a joke:
TDog
Watch out, the next joke is gonna have you in it now! ;D
That is just so right PB ;D
When the surgeon came to see Atto on the day after his operation, Atto asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before he could resume his sex life.
"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it" replied the stunned surgeon.
"You're the first one ever to ask that after a nose job...."
::)
Quote from: T Dog on October 23, 2015, 02:43:48 PM
Quote from: PowerBug on October 23, 2015, 12:42:52 PM
Quote from: Atto on October 23, 2015, 12:04:51 PM
I know of a joke:
TDog
Watch out, the next joke is gonna have you in it now! ;D
That is just so right PB ;D
When the surgeon came to see Atto on the day after his operation, Atto asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before he could resume his sex life.
"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it" replied the stunned surgeon.
"You're the first one ever to ask that after a nose job...."
::)
Wow. I'm utterly lost for words. To be fair I probably deserved that too haha
You know your doctor is too old when you look at the framed diploma on his wall and realize his Hippocratic oath was signed by Hippocrates!
Why did the sperm cross the road?
Because I put the wrong pair of socks on this morning.
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" he asked.
"Oh, Bill, you didn't," she said.
"Yes, I did," he told her.
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" she asked.
"Oh... she got fired too."
Quote from: meow meow on October 25, 2015, 07:47:50 PM
Why did the sperm cross the road?
Because I put the wrong pair of socks on this morning.
Heh, nice
A hillbilly woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen.
When she got home she asks her husband, "What is a specimen?"
He replies, "Damned if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse."
The woman goes next door and comes back ten minutes later with her clothes torn to shreds. She is cut and bruised all over.
"What in tarnation happened?" asked her husband.
"Damn if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was and she told me to go piss in a bottle. So I told her to go s*** in her hat, and then all hell broke loose."
A traveling salesman goes to a farm house. The farmer goes, I could put you up for one night, but youll have to stay in the barn. So he spends the night there and the next morning the farmer comes in, he goes, Were you comfortable? He goes, I had a great time; I talked to all the animals. He goes, You talked to the animals? He goes, Yeah I spoke to the chickens, they say you collect the eggs every morning exactly at five minutes after six. He goes, Thats exactly right. He says, The horse tells me his name is Otis, youve owned him for 10 years. He goes, Thats incredible. And he goes, I spoke to the cow, the cow says that her name is Elsie and you milk her every morning at exactly 8:30. And then I spoke to the sheep. And the farmer goes, Those sheep are lying.
The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the aircraft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn't break, it's likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight.
The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer's chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab.
They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.
Q: What do you call a woman that sets her bills on fire?
A: Bernadette. 8)
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least that dog knows I'm smarter than her.
:o
Two blondes were building a house.
One saw that the other was going into her pouch and throwing every other nail out.
She thought that this was weird and decided to look into it.
"Why do you keep throwing every other nail away?"
"Well, when I pull one out of my pouch, and it is facing towards the house, I nail it in. If it is facing away from the house, it is defective and I throw it away."
"You idiot, those nails aren't defective, they are for the other side of the house."
A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife was away. His wife came home sooner than he expected, used the toilet, and got the seat stuck to her rear. She was understandably distraught about this and asked her husband to drive her to the doctor. She put a large overcoat on to cover the seat before they went. When they got to the doctor's office, the man lifted his wife's coat to show him their predicament.
The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replied, "but never framed."
Marriage...A childs perspective 8)
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - - Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........ HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck. -- Ricky, age 10
A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat.
The Doctor explained to the man that as ducks age their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the animal to pick up it's food.
"What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it'll drown."
The man goes about his business and about a week later the Doctor runs into his patient.
"Well, how is that duck of yours?" the Doctor inquires.
"He's dead." declared the heartbroken man.
"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn't he?" insisted the Doctor.
"No." lamented the man. "I think he was dead before I took him out of the vise."
A man, his wife, and his son from waaaay out in the mountains go to the "big city" to a major hotel. When they get into the lobby, they are directed to the front desk to check in. While the wife is takin' care of "the paper work," the man is looking all around at the amazing things they have. One that catches his eyes is a recess in the wall with a crack down the middle. Just then, an elderly woman walks up, pushes a button next to the recess, and the wall opens up to a small room! She walks in and the wall closes, while lights above the secret doors flash along the top. They begin flashing in the other direction, and moments later the wall opens up and a shapely young lady, vougly dressed, sachays out, walking by the man and his son whos eyes and dropped jaws follow her by.
The man looks back at the doors in the wall. "Boooyyy", says the man to his son... "Go get your mother!"
8)
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple
days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard
some strange noises coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave,
listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony,
being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony,
And it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the
Sixth...the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned
on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the
cemetery. "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
This man in a Ford Falcon pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone in there?" The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do." "I got one too... see?" "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." Then the man in the Falcon says, "You got a fax machine?" "Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too! See? It's right here!" "Uh-huh." The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Falcon says, "So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?" And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back here â€" see?!" The light turns and the man in the Falcon takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Falcon. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Falcon are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Falcon. The man in the Falcon finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?" "Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?" "Check this out â€" I got a double bed installed in my Rolls." And the man in the Falcon says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"
\
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.
"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
"You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a cheque. He handed it to Leon. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!"
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."
I had a broken vacuum, then I put a One Direction sticker on it and it suddenly sucked again. ;D
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger Doctor said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana and apple peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."
"Huh," the younger doctor said, "pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"
"Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."
And Moses looked upon the Lord and said:
"We are your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off of our WHAT?"
8)
Once upon a time there was a stork family - Daddy stork, Mummy stork and baby stork. One evening Daddy stork didn't show up for dinner. Mummy stork and baby stork left the food out for him but he didn't come home at all that night. When Daddy stork finally did come home the next day, baby stork asked "Daddy stork, where were you last night?"
"Out making a young couple very happy," replied Daddy stork.
Several weeks later, Mummy stork was late for dinner. Baby stork and Daddy stork waited a while, and then gave up and ordered pizza. Mummy stork didn't come home until late the next morning. When Mummy stork did come in, baby stork asked "Mummy stork, where were you last night?"
"Out making a young couple very happy," replied Mummy stork.
Later in the Autumn, baby stork was late for dinner. Daddy stork and Mummy stork were worried. Their anxiety increased when baby stork still wasn't home by sunset. They both waited up late for baby stork but he didn't come in until early in the morning. His feathers were rumpled and unkempt. Daddy stork barked, "Where the hell were you, baby stork?" as his tired son dragged himself over the threshold.
"Out scaring the living daylights out of college students," replied baby stork.
8)
Nige what are you doing? ;D
A psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."
The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."
Tom was in his early 50s, retired and started a second career. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, he was five, 10, 15 minutes late. But, he was a good worker and real sharp, so the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it.
Finally, one day he called Tom into his office for a talk. "Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic. You do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there?"
"They said, 'Good morning, General.'"
Did ya hear about the blonde who brought a bag of frozen french fries to a poker game?
Someone told her to bring her own chips.
All my life I've walked around wearing one sandal and one boot. To me, this is a feet that has never been matched.
Quote from: T Dog on November 04, 2015, 07:27:09 PM
Did ya hear about the blonde who brought a bag of frozen french fries to a poker game?
Someone told her to bring her own chips.
to be fair its confusing
(https://modernfatheronline.files.wordpress.com/2014/12/smiths-crinkle-chips-plain.jpg) or (http://free-zynga-poker-chips.net/content/coins.png)
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver†and “cheese†together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.†The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.†“Oh, how childish,†said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.†She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?†“Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,†blurts the Golden Retriever. “My, my,†said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.†She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?†The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says...
“Liver alone. Cheese mine.â€
There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."
After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep into the pen, he reports to the farmer: "All 40 accounted for"
"But I only have 38 sheep" says the farmer.
"I know " says the sheepdog. " But I rounded them up"
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She was known as a two bagger. That's when a girl is so ugly that you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks"
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I bent down to pet her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to a dog show and she won first prize."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She looks like she came in second in a hatchet fight!"
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... The last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it."
I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She has a face like a saint--A saint bernard!"
"One day...as I came home early from work...I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy...Hey buddy...why are you doing that for? He said..Because you came home early."
>:(
Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's very time consuming.
What did Snow White say when she came out of the photo booth?
Someday my prints will come… ;D
Q: What's the difference between a voyeur and a thief?
A: A thief snatches your watch.
think about it 8)
What does the starship enterprise and tiolet paper have in common?
They both circle around uranus and wipe out klingons.
I know its an oldie :P
A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.
To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said: "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks. "William," she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.
"Arnold," she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He's a pain!"
"But David," she said, "the chicken was delicious!"
A Husband took the wife to a disco on the weekend. There was an extremely well dressed, physically fit, good looking guy on the dance floor. He was waltzing, fox-trotting, calipsoing, break dancing, moon walking, doing back flips, smiling and having a great time.
The wife turned to her husband, who isn't much of a dancer, and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!"
An American, a Vietnamese, a Mexican, a Brazilian, a Canadian, a German, a Turk, and a Russian walk into a fancy restaurant. When they got to the front desk, they were kicked out because they did not have a Thai.
There was a man walking alone along a beach. He comes across a bottle with a cork in it. The man picks up the bottle and pulls out the cork. A loud roar follows and a genie appears. The genie says to the man, "I'm a little tired today and I can only give you two wishes."
The man says "That's OK, two is enough." "First, I would like one-billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."
Poof - The genie hands the man a paper and says "Here's the number to your account."
Next the man says, "Second, I would like to be irresistible to women."
Poof - the genie turned him into a box of chocolates.
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon."
Zen Sarcasm ;D
1. Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.
2. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
3. Always try to be modest. And be proud of it!
4. A clear conscience is a sign of a bad memory.
5. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
6. I feel like I'm parked diagonally in a parallel universe.
7. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
9. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just do not have film.
10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb? ???
A: Exactly Five Hundred:
1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed
7 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
17 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
21 to flame the spell checkers
49 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.
20 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
32 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb
69 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
41 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list.
106 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
12 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
8 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.
2 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.
15 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add pointedly, "Me Too."
6 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
9 to quote the "Me Too's" and happily add, "Me Three!"
3 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
24 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.
53 votes for alt.lite.bulb.
8)
There was this little boy about 10 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a whore house and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do." The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course, the Madam said no. He said,"I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want!" Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, because that damn milkman is the son-of-a-bi*ch who ran over my FROG!"
A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.
The two Englishmen just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?"
The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?"
No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"
Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Maybe we should learn a foreign language...."
"Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:
"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.
By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."
8)
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.
The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"
The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede."
He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.
He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"
Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."
The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later...no centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later...no centipede. By this point the man is wondering what's going on. So he goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside.
The man says, "Hey!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"
The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just putting on my shoes!"
A lady is walking down the street to work and see's a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, "hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, "hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager appologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "hey lady."
She paused and said," yes?"
The bird said, "you know."
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says, "Oh, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I did on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped me with wet celery?"
The woman looks sternly into his eyes and says very calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
Google will tell you that the number 1 sign of alcoholism is drinking alone.
I feel that the number 1 sign of alcoholism is having to Google "number 1 sign of alcoholism."
::)
Call me a pervert, but I once enjoyed watching a chickpea.
Does that make me hommus sexual?
CAT DIARY, 7 entries
...
CAT DIARY, 7 entries
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
---------
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
---------
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
---------
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
---------
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid.
---------
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
---------
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue. (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.
But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.
::)
Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
What do you call a letter from a crazy feminist?
Hate mail
“I just looked up the word 'apocalypse' in the dictionary. It was quite a revelation.â€
Viagra have just released a new pill called 007..it doesn't make you James Bond, but it does make you Roger Moore
One day the norse god Thor was looking down upon the earth and was watching couples making out in a park.
He decided that this looked like fun, so with a clap of thunder, Thor was walking around the park as a human man.
He came upon a young beautiful girl sitting alone and asked if he could join her.
The girl replied "For THURE" and Thor gathered that the girl had a lisp but figured as good as she looked, what the heck, so he sits down and soon they were making out like the other couples.
As her passions grew, she finally said, "wait a minute, wait a minute, lets go back to my plath!" so the left and went into her apartment and let nature take its course.
After about 18 hours of nonstop sex, she says "hold up, i gotha go pith!" and she gets up to go use the bathroom.
While she's gone Thor lies thinking to himself, "surely by now she realizes that I'm no mere mortal man, I should tell her who I am".
So when she re-enters the room, Thor is standing on the end of the bed, pounding his chest and declares "I'm THOR!" the exhausted girl looks at him and yells "You're Thor, I'm tho thore that i cant even pith!!!
“I'm great friends with my fist, although he can be quite a knuckle head.â€
Q: Did you hear about the short sighted rabbi?
A: He got the sack.
Quote from: T Dog on November 19, 2015, 08:38:16 PM
Q: Did you hear about the short sighted rabbi?
A: He got the sack.
HA ;D
Business One-liners 8)
When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
When your opponent is down, kick him.
Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
Where you stand depends on where you sit.
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office automation?
Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are horses? - G. Gordon Liddy
Why worry about tomorrow? We may not make it through today.
Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
You're not drunk if you can lay on the floor without holding on.
I dig,
you dig,
We dig,
he dig,
they dig….
It is not a a beautiful poem but it’s very deep. ::)
“I really like the music by The Cars, you auto listen to it.â€
You might be a redneck if...
Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side.. .it'll be a hoot."
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light.
The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks can't find it.
You have a stuffed womp rat anywhere in your home.
You think the symbol for the Rebel Alliance should be the Confederate flag.
More than half the droids you own don't function.
The number of blasters you own exceeds your I.Q.
You wonder why Luke and Leia gave up on getting married.
You used a carbon-freezing chamber to mount the Wampa you shot while on vacation on Hoth.
Your moonshine is made on a real moon.
You don't like wearing a Jedi robe because it prevents access to the dip stored in your back pocket.
Sandpeople back down from your mama.
You've ever used Jedi mind control to talk your way out of a speeding ticket or .05 charge .
You've ever strangled someone with the force because they laughed at your accent.
:o
A wife reports:
My Husband, not happy with my mood swings so he bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big flowering red mark on his forehead.
A man goes out golfing.
He is on the second hole when He notices a frog sitting next to The green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to Prove the frog wrong, puts the club Away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with Him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed The best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas ."
" They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I Should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across The table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a Gorgeous girl.
"And that is how the girl ended up in my room Elin. So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods."
I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg.
I said, "I bet I know what your favorite Christian festival is "
He said, "You have to love Easter, baby.â€
8)
A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. My husband just walked in the door."
Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall.
One turned to the other and said, "Hello."
The other one thought, "I wonder what he meant by that."
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
1 . Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Sh*thead's.
11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn..that was fun!
Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn.
1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Choking on your breakfast can be eggs aspirating.
"If you don't know what introspection is you need to take a long, hard look at yourself."
8)
One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the pearly gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far, and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want, to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind; I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..."
And with that, St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.
The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives whom she had worked with, and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.
They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.
She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in Heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in Hell and you've spent a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down, back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth.
She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today, you're STAFF."
“Accountant is a royal insect.â€
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies,
Air defenses were up, with electronic eyes.
Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds,
As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads.
Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube,
Was triply-redundant, linked to the Blue Cube,
And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so dense
That nothing that flew could slip through our defense.
When out of the klaxon arose such a clatter
I dashed to the screen to see what was the matter;
I increased the gain and then, quick as a flash,
Fine-adjusted the filters to damp out the hash.
And there found the source of the warning we'd heeded:
An incoming blip, by eight escorts preceded.
"Alert status red!" went the word down the wire,
As we gave every system the codes that meant "FIRE!"
On Aegis! Up Patriot, Phalanx and Hawk,
And scramble our fighters--let's send the whole flock.
Launch decoys and missiles, use chaff by the yard!
Get the kitchen sink up! Call the National Guard!
They turned toward the target, moved toward it, converged.
Till the tracks on the radar all finally merged,
And the sky was lit up with a demonic light,
As the foe met his fate in the high arctic night.
So we sent out some recon to look for debris,
Yet all that they found, both on land and on sea
Were some toys, a red hat, a charred left leather boot,
Broken sleigh bells, white hair, and a deer's parachute.
Now it isn't quite Christmas, with Saint Nick shot down.
There are unhappy kids in each village and town.
For the Spirit of Christmas can't hope to evade
All the web of defenses we've carefully made.
But a crash program's on: Working hard, night and day,
All the elves are constructing a radar-proof sleigh.
So let's wait for next Christmas, in cheer and in health,
For the future has hope: Santa's coming by stealth!
“The Pinwheel joke didn't go around fast enough.â€
An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called -- and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found.....
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
.....Which goes to show that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning
;D
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. Suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole and starts sinking. He tells the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer, but the farmer can't be found.
So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend and drives forward saving the horse from sinking.
A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud hole. The chicken tells the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse says: "I think I can get you out."
So he stretches over the width of the hole and says: "Grab hold of my 'thing' and pull yourself up." The chicken does this and is pulled to safety.
Moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
People who drop ice cream can be so cone descending.
Reversing the car:
"Ahh, this takes me back."
In a recent contest in The Washington Post, readers were asked to take an expression using a number, add or subtract one, and create a new definition:
The Year 2001 Problem: How to find jobs for all those programmers hired to solve the Year 2000 problem.
Catch-23: Complete the previous catch before proceeding to this step.
Fortune 501: Levi Strauss makes the list, but just by the seat of its pants.
Motel 5: If you're not there by midnight, they turn off the light.
Dressed to the Eights: Impeccably attired with white socks.
Six Brides for Seven Brothers: Someone's gonna get hurt !
Snow White and the Eight Dwarfs: The title, before they expelled Gassy.
Five Eyes: Other kids can be so cruel when you are Siamese twins, and one of you is wearing a monocle.
665: The mark on the forehead of Satan's slightly less evil brother, Ralph.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie 8)
A solution to all of your drinking troubles:
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.
Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.
Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.
Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic.
A manager brings a dog into a nightclub to work.
The dog is a brilliant piano player.
He plays all the standards.
He's sitting there, pounding out the tunes, when all of a sudden, a big dog comes in and drags him out.
The nightclub owner asks, “What happened?â€
The manager says...“That's his mother. She wants him to be a doctor.â€
8)
Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.
One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.
He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand except for the one part sticking out.
Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."
The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"
The first little old lady says, "Look at that."
"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."
"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."
"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."
"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."
"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."
"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."
"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."
"And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"
“I've heard that the airplane industry is really taking off and reaching new heights.â€
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.
The egg mutters, to no-one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of old aged pensioners when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and she hands the driver another handful of peanuts which he eats.
When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks her "Why don't you eat the peanuts?"
"We can't chew them because we have no teeth", she replied.
"We just love the chocolate around them."
::)
Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?
They say he made a mint.
8)
Q: What did the farmer use to make crop circles?
A: A Protractor
There were three men traveling together, a priest, a farmer and a lawyer. It was starting to get late and they needed to find a place to sleep. They came across this farm and they asked the farmer there if they could spend the night. He said, "thats fine but my guest room is only big enough for two people, one of you will have to sleep in the barn."
The priest said, "I don't mind sleeping with God's creatures, I will take the barn."
So they all agreed and went to their rooms.
About an hour later there was a knock at the guest room door and there stood the priest. "There is a chicken in there that won't stop clucking! I'm sorry but I'm going to have to sleep in the guest room."
"That's ok," said the farmer, "I'll sleep in the barn, after all, I'm used to it."
So they all agreed and traded places. About an hour later there was a knock at the guest room door and there stood the farmer. "I can't stand the odor from that cow in there any more. I'm sorry but I'm going to have to sleep in the guest room."
"Well, I guess that leaves me," said the lawyer.
So he went to sleep in the barn. About an hour later there is a knock at the guest room door and there stands the chicken and the cow.
After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side. “Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem." Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night. Then, Jill took off her panties and gave them to Brian. “Try these on,†she said. Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small. “What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your panties,†said Brian. “Exactly,†Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!â€
Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them.
The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes.
At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific."
They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five kids. He says, "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful family. I love it."
They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going, "Anybody got a match?"
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.
"Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
I rear-ended a car a few days ago....... I tell you, It was a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a friggin’ DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said "I am NOT happy!"
So I said, "well, which one are you then?"
things fell away after that. >:(
“CPR is a near-breath experience.â€
Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place.
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money."
This is important information just in case.
Symptoms of the Bird Flu...
The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu.
If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:
1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield.
A guy opens his packed lunch that his wife made for him that morning.
He takes a bite of the sandwich and immediately spits it out cursing.
Straight away he phones his wife asking, "What was in that sandwich you gave me?"
"Why?" she asked.
"Because it was disgusting." he answers. "What was in it?"
"Crab Paste." she says.
"Well I have never had anything that tasted that awful before. Where did you get it from?"
"The Pharmacy." she answers
:o
A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:
"Don't make me come down there!" --GOD
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
8)
There was a tradesman, a painter named Jack, who was very interested in making a dollar where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration project. Jack put in a painting bid and, because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he started, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and thinning it down with turpentine.
Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn.
Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here?" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some young woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."
A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out---caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two guys show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for them, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some firewood. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.
Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself.
She happens to look out the window and sees one of the guys doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air. She calls the other guy over and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"
"Well...," he responds, "I dunno...let me ask him... HEY WILLIE...FOR $50 WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
“My fear of roses is a thorny issue. I'm not sure what it stems from, but it seems likely I'll be stuck with it.â€
“If zombies have to eat brains, does that make them obligate cognivores?â€
A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray.
"And what will your third wish be?"
The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"
"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."
"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads."
"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, "That was your first wish, too!"
8)
Puns about fruit are banned as ‘ates peach‘. They pit the stoners against the fuzz.
Two vampire bats are hanging upside down in a cave. One of the bats feels rather hungry. "Let's go and find some blood", he suggests.
"I don't think you can get any blood this time of the day", says the other bat. "Well, I want some blood and I want it now!", says the first bat and prepares to take off. "Are you coming or what?"
"Don't be stupid, you'll just waste your time", says the second bat. So the first bat flies anyway. After a few minutes he is back with blood smeared all over his face.
"Where did you manage to find blood this time of the day?", asks the second bat. "Well, do you see that tree out there?", says the first bat and points at a tree outside the cave, "Do you see that tree?"
"Yes", says the second bat, "of course I see it".
"Well, I didn't", replies the first.
The local gene pool looks like it could use quite a bit of chlorine.
:o
Do bucking broncos get rode rage?
:o
There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines.
Finally after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says,"This is the most important part, and it has only one line.
You must walk onto the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line... 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line, over and over again. Finally the time came.
The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion, he delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress".
The theatre erupted, the audience screamed with laughter... and the director was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor, quite bewildered, asked, "What happened, did I forget my ine?" he asked.
"No!" the director screamed.... "You forgot the bloody rose!"
8)
I was living with a girl for a while.
We worried about different things.
One day, I was like, What do you fear the most?
And she was like, I fear you'll meet someone else, and you'll leave me, and I'll be all alone.
And she was like, What do you fear the most?
And I was like, Snakes, Spider attack, running out of beer.
Things fell away between us after that
>:(
A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several boxes of new Bibles that had never been opened and distributed.
At his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.
Jack, Paul, and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles, but he had serious doubts about Louie, a local farmer who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.
Poor Louis stuttered badly, but not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway. He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?"
Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul the pastor said, "Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles on behalf of the church and $280 I collected."
The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the minister said to Louie, "Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles this week?"
Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents.
"What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door-to-door, in just one week?"
Louie just nodded.
"That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible F-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you
j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"
One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this."
William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."
His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."
Don't ask a Japanese wrestler to sit on you. That'd be sumocidal.
Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure that went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying a single dollar coin that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife into the local Safeway grocery store. There he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled onto the scene.
Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings was captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband. And that is why the next day in the newspaper, the headlines declared:
"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY"
After defecting from my prestigious job in Pyongyang, my Korea went south.
A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license," he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a smart alec when he's drunk."
Then the guy in the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
:o
Q: What do you call a beer that makes you laugh?
A: A Brew Ha Ha
Q: How many alt.music.pink-floyd readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 51.
One to screw in the bulb, one to notice some small detail of the bulb-screwing and tie it into the Publius Enigma, 15 more to expand on his point, 12 to flame him, 10 to argue that you're not really screwing in a light bulb, that only Roger Waters can screw in a light bulb, 8 more to say that Dave Gilmour can screw in a light bulb better than Roger ever could, two to say that the best way to screw in a bulb is if Dave and Roger do it together, one to say that Syd Barrett is actually the best bulb-screwer, and of course one newbie to ask what Publius is, who will be subsequently referred to the FAQ, which he will then ask where to find it.
“The new robotic cuspidor, despite its speed and efficiency, failed to meet my expectorations.â€
:o
There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea.
When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
"A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"
::)
1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to a mosque doesn't make you a Muslim any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel faster through the mail than cheques.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
8)
I've started working as a porn writer, but its harder than expected.
There's just so many holes in the plot.
8)
“Way back when, I used to remember things by tying a string around my finger. Even then I had digital memory.â€
“The difficult thing with quotes on the internet is verifying themâ€
â€" Captain Cook
I'm sick of following my dreamsâ€"I'm just going to ask them where they are going and hook up with them later.
There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."
:o
What's the emoji for constipation?
A: Colon, full-stop.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was, "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam asked.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve! We got Forbidden Fruit!"
"No way!"
"Yes WAY!"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Why?""Because I'm your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did Not!"
"DID so!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
New Drugs for Men
With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society.
DIRECTRA - A dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask for directions when they got lost, compared to a control group where only 0.2 percent asked for directions.
PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child-care tasks-especially cleaning up spills and little accidents.
COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts
after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than
your favorites store's return limit.
NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
CAPAGRA - Caused test subjects to become uncharacteristically fastidious about lowering toilet seats and replacing toothpaste caps. Subjects on higher doses were seen dusting furniture.
PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the
personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into special prosecutors.
LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when they are asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available
in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes," says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes, I did."
The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know, five, six, may be seven times .... just put me down for the five iron."
A father and son are out shopping for Christmas presents for their family.
The son asks, "What present are my sister and I going to get?"
The dad answers, "I got you guys an iPad and iPod."
"Wow, thanks," the son replies, "What will you give mom?"
The dad says, "Your mom is getting an iRon."
8)
A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" had reached the final plateau.If she answered the next question correctly, she would win$1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.As she suspected it would be, the million- dollar question was no pushover. It was: Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it
A) the condor;
B) the buzzard;
C) the cuckoo; or
D) the vulture?"
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, it would seem to be the logicalthing to do. On the other hand -- the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded. "I need an answer," said Regis. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis. "Yes, that is my final answer."
Two seconds later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you that the answer is-...... absolutely correct.You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire.And do you want to know something? It was your assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way......how did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on!" said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."
Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided they needed to spice up their love lives. All three agreed to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes that evening with their respective lovers.
After a few days they meet up for lunch and compared notes.
The engaged woman: "The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long."
The mistress: "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night."
The married woman: "I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night when my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'"
Cartoon Laws Of Physics
Cartoon Law I
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.
Cartoon Law II
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.
Cartoon Law III
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyses this reaction.
Cartoon Law IV
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.
Cartoon Law V
All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
Cartoon Law VI
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A `wacky' character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
Cartoon Law VII
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot.
This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.
Cartoon Law VIII
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.
Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.
Cartoon Law IX
Everything falls faster than an anvil.
Out of the mouths of younger child:
A teacher at a primary school was turning 50. One of the kids in her class Asked "Is it true today miss you are half a cemetery."
Q: What's the difference between a snowman and a snowoman?
A: Snowballs!
“He was a great mathematician, although he did leave naught behind for his family.â€
A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word "fascinate."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate.'"
Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Billy was noted for is bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.
Billy said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8."
Funny Christmas cracker jokes
What do they sing at a snowman's birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow
Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can 'ho ho ho'!
What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas?
Twerky!
Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?

Because he had a low "elf" esteem!
Who is Santa's favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley!
What do Santa's little helpers learn at school?

The elf-abet!
Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?

They always drop their needles!
Did Rudolph go to school?
No. He was Elf-taught!
How do snowmen get around?

They ride an icicle!
In a kingdom far far away, and a long long time ago, a party was being given. To this party the king had invited everyone in the kingdom to his castle. And everyone was having a grand time. The wine was flowing, the tables were overflowing with food, and the dancing was beautiful.
Suddenly, out of thin air a gnarled old man appeared out of thin air. His hands clutched in tight fists by his body, smoke streaming from his shoulders, he walked up to the king and said, "How dare you have a party and not invite your own court wizard! For this insult I curse this castle with the dreaded Curse of the Fingers. Anyone who attempts to leave here will be rendered limb from limb by huge disembodied fingers!"
The wizard waved his bony arms about and shouted in a guttural foreign language. "There!", he said and vanished.
All at once, the people of the kingdom looked to their king. What would he do? How could he save them. The king pursed his lips and looked about him. Finally, he turned to his knights and asked for a volunteer to ride to the next kingdom and plead with their wizard to remove the curse. Of course all of the knights wished to go. The king selected the knight with the greatest seniority and sent him on his way.
The knight gathered up all his weapons, put on his best suit of armour and headed out. As soon as his foot stepped off of the drawbridge, gigantic yellow fingers appeared from nowhere and ripped him limb from limb.
One after another, each knight attempted to ride out of the castle, each one in turn was ripped to shreds. Finally, no knights were left.
The king looked about him. "Is there anyone else who would brave this curse and rescue us from this horrible curse?", he said.
"I will, sir!", said a small boy who had been serving one of the knights before he died.
The small boy packed up his belongings and provisions for the journey. Since he was a poor serving boy, and had no horse, he knew he would have to walk. But he was determined to succeed. As soon as he crossed the drawbridge, the yellow fingers appeared and tried to rip him apart. They couldn't! Each time the tried to grab him, the boy wriggled free and continued on his journey!
Several days later, the boy was back at the castle with the neighboring kingdom's wizard. The king was overjoyed to have the curse lifted and he called the boy to him.
"How did you escape from those monstrous fingers? All my knights couldn't get past them and they were killed. How could you do it?"
The boy looked up at the king and replied, "Your majesty, it occurred to me as the last knight was being killed that the only way to escape this curse was to LET YOUR PAIGES DO THE WALKING THROUGH THE YELLOW FINGERS."
More of the best Christmas cracker jokes 8)
How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?

One that's deep pan, crisp and even!
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy!
What do you call a cat in the desert?

Sandy Claws!
What does Santa do with fat elves?

He sends them to an Elf Farm!
What carol is heard in the desert?

O camel ye faithful!
What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?

Cross Mouse Cards!
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?

Tinsilitis!
What's the most popular Christmas wine?

'I don't like Brussels sprouts!'
What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree?

Nice gnawing you!
There are two types of people in this world...
Those who think Die Hard is a Christmas Film, and those who are wrong.
8)
Arbitrator ar'-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable uh-voy'-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney buh-lo'-nee: Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette burn'-a-det: The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize bur'-gler-ize: What a crook sees with.
Control kon-trol': A short, ugly inmate.
Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse i-klips': what an English barber does for a living.
Eyedropper i'-drop-ur: a clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes hee'-rhos: what a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank left' bangk': what the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Misty mis'-tee: How golfers create divots.
Paradox par'-u-doks: two physicians.
Parasites par'-uh-sites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist farm'-uh-sist: a helper on the farm.
Polarize po'-lur-ize: what penguins in Antarctica see.
Primate pri'-mat: removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Relief ree-leef': what trees do in the spring.
Rubberneck rub'-er-nek: what you do to relax your wife.
Seamstress seem'-stres: describes 200 pounds in a size two.
Selfish sel'-fish: what the owner of a seafood store does.
Subdued sub-dood': a guy, that works on one of those submarines.
Sudafed sood'-a-fed: bringing litigation against a government official
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I gave you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Panther tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and He even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, "What would you do?"
The cabby replies, "I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold."
8)
One Monday morning a postman is walking the neighbourhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the postman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. We got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'Who Am I.'"
The postman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."
::)
“I think every morning that I'm going to make pancakes, but I keep waffling.â€
Patient: "I get a terrible pain in my eye when I drink a cup of coffee."
Doctor: "Try taking the spoon out."
I was watching a violent movie when my wife sat down, grabbed the remote and changed the channel.
"I don't want to see any blood," she said.
"Then give me back the flowering remote," I replied.
“The use of drones to deliver magazines will certainly raise some issues.â€
"A farting, spinning ungulate is the sign of a gnu whirled odor."
“The thought of becoming a gymnast springs in my mind however much I suppress it!â€
You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love," and you answer, "I can't do both."
I always get sick when my cousin Enza comes to visit. Last week, in flew Enza, and wouldn't you know.
8)
Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table.
Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."
Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."
"That's true," said Paul.
"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"
"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"
"Love line? No, from the calluses and blisters."
8)
What sort of television programmes do ducks like?
Duckumentaries
I was just thinking?
I had amnesia once - or twice.
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a motorway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
A flashlight is a carrying case for dead batteries.
What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you aman who can't get his pants off.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
8)
An Irish Girl comes back home for New Year's Eve. Her father asked, "Where have you been all this time? Why did you not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't you call?"
The girl crying replied, "Dad, I became a prostitute."
"Whaaa!!? Out of here you shameless harlot! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, daddy. If that's your wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for £4 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for you daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club and an invitation for you all to spend a fun New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."
"Now what was it ye said you had become, again?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "A prostitute dad!"
"Oh! You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a Protestant. Come here and give your old man a hug!"
8)
One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son."
"Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service", replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"
::)
“I was going to buy a sweet shop but it would have cost me hundreds and thousands.â€
Q: What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
A: You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish.
8)
A 92 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few days later the Dr. saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later the Dr. talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."
Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and we all fell and hurt ourselves.
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies,not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy,it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R!
We missed the R!
We missed the R!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was..CELEBRATE"
8)
A local Policeman broke up a young couple in the act of lovemaking on a pathway in Melbourne.
The girl berated the officer long and loud with a barrage of obscenities.
The boy was silent throughout the confrontation.
The officer arrested them both anyway.
The girl was charged with disorderly conduct, the boy with having an offensive person on his weapon.
:o
Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?"
The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years."
"What was the result?"
"It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!"
“I didn't used to like duct-tape at first, but then I became very attached to it.â€
Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year!
8)
The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in Speedo's is seeing a guy in Speedo's staring back at you.
Q: How did boobs got their name?
A: From the top view it looks like a B, the front view looks like oo, and the side view looks like a b.
A blonde goes for a job interview in an office.
The interviewer decides to start with the basics. 'So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?'
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying, 'Ehhhh .. 22!'
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. 'And can you tell us your height, please?'
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag.
She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head.
She checks the measurement and announces, 'Fivefoot two!'
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. 'And uhh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?'
The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, 'Mandy!'
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, 'Just out of curiosity, Miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?'
'Ohh that!', replies the blonde, 'That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....''
8)
One day Jesus was out for a walk, strolling near the walls surrounding heaven, when he heard an old man's voice call from the other side.
"Hello? Hello?"
Jesus replied, "Who is it?"
"Just a poor, old carpenter searching for his son," the old man replied.
Jesus' heart leapt with joy and he called out, "Joseph?"
The voice answered back, "Pinocchio?"
::)
A drunk gets on a bus. The driver, impatient while the drunk fumbles in his pocket for change, drives off. As the bus starts rolling, the drunk reacts to the sudden movement by stumbling all the way to the back of the bus. The bus stops at the next stop. He reacts by stumbling to the front of the bus. Still the man is fumbling in his pockets for change. The bus jerks forward once again, and the drunk stumbles uncontrollably to the back of the bus. Next stop, the same thing happens. Every time the bus stops, the man would stagger to the front. Every time the bus starts, he staggers uncontrollably to the back. A few stops later the drunk exits the the bus from the front.
"Hey", shouts the bus driver... "You didn't pay your fare yet!"
The drunk, reeling, shouts back "And I'm not going to!..... I walked all the way!"
I noticed I was starting to go bald, so I got some of that Rogaine stuff.
I've been using it for months now, but it doesn't seem to work at all.
Tastes flowering horrible too.
>:(
Why are Blues supporters buried 10 metres underground?
Because deep down, they're really not that bad! 8)
Quote from: T Dog on January 11, 2016, 02:25:50 PM
Why are Blues supporters buried 10 metres underground?
Because deep down, they're really not that bad! 8)
Just above the Pies supporters ;)
Quote from: Ringo on January 11, 2016, 02:44:06 PM
Quote from: T Dog on January 11, 2016, 02:25:50 PM
Why are Blues supporters buried 10 metres underground?
Because deep down, they're really not that bad! 8)
Just above the Pies supporters ;)
Thank you ;D
Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace. 8)
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
;D
An elderly priest was speaking to a younger priest. "You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm! The front of the church always fills first now."
As the young priest nodded, the old priest continued, “You also told me to assign a little more beat to the music because it would bring young people back to church. So, I supported you when you bought in that rock ‘n’ roll Gospel choir. Now, our services are consistently packed.“
"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."
"All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest. "But, I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."
"But Father," protested the young priest. "My confessions and donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"
"Yes," replied, the elderly priest. "I appreciate that, but the flashing neon sign, ‘Toot 'n’ Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof!"
8)
Did you hear about the 2 guys who stole a calendar?
They each got 6 months.
Give Satan an inch and he'll be a ruler.
i just put $5 on Essendon to make the 8
Badoom tish
no wait i'm serious :P
The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked one of his employees to write him a punchy, 20-minute speech.
When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious. "What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?" he demanded to know. "Half the audience walked out before I finished."
The employee was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."
“That podiatrist is very sneaky. Give him an arch, he will take a foot.â€
A guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to upset his wife for drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife.
Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story,
"Wow, that's awful, what did you do?"
"Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and hitailed it back here! Shoot, they we're just getting started, so I figure, I got time for a couple more beers.
8)
^ hahaha ;D
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Just clicked over 90,000 views for the thread ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
A few puns revisited ;D
I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
It seems that Mary Poppins has moved to California.
She has started a business telling people's fortunes.
But, she doesn't read palms or tea leaves, she smells one's breath.
Thats, right, the sign outside reads: Super California Mystic Expert Halitosis.
;D
A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money hisparents gave him.
Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why,they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him int hat program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.
About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believethis they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program? "
Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.
The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, ' So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street ?'
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a dog before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
:o
“An employee got locked in a freezer at the ice cream factory and ended up getting spumonia.â€
A few thoughts for tonight:
1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto!
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives.
7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
8)
An elderly man lay dying in his bed.
In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled down the stairs.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."
:o
If something drives you batty, relax, take a deep breath, and just say “I don't give a flying fox.â€
;D
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old ute parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.
He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his ute in front of Mildred's house... walked home... and left it there all night.
You gotta love George.
;D
A brain walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint of beer please."
The barman looks at him and says "Sorry, I can't serve you."
"Why not?" aske the brain.
"You're already out of your head."
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.
Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says.
"You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"
"Nine..."
:o
"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"
Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"
A girl at work text me saying 'Your cute.'
I text her back saying 'No you're cute.'
Now she thinks I like her, all I did was point out her flowering typo.
>:(
The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.
She was wearing massive gloves.
8)
When would a West Indian cricketer have 100 runs to his name?
When he's bowling.
What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?
The entire South African innings.
In school, the teacher asked Johnny to spell "bowling". Back came the answer : "B-o-e-l-i-n." "That," said the teacher, "is the worst spell of bowling I've ever seen."
A man visits the doctor. "You've got to help me," he said. "I think I'm a cricket ball." "How's that?" the doctor replied.
The man scowled. "Oh no, don't you start ..."
I was given some Sudoku toilet paper.
It didn’t work.
You could only fill it in with number 1s and number 2s
It's 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in.
He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date. Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it." Bobby is shocked. "Excuse me, sir?" "Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her."
Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"
;D
A primary school teacher asked little Johnny to spell "Sand"
Johnny replied "S-A-N-D" miss.
"Well done Johnny, that's correct!" she replied.
Next she turns little Janey and asks her to spell "Pit"
Jane confidently spells out "P-I-T"
"That's fantastic Jane, absolutely right."
Then the teacher turns her attention to the only Maori boy in class and says, "Rangi, how do you spell Racial Vilification?"
80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.
The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
:o
"My cat is recovering from a massive stroke."
Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC?
ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:
The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will become letters, and lower-case letters will become upper-case.
The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: Who cares? It doesn't really matter if they're on the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same.
The Mac user's explanation: All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go to straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters, because you're in PC hell also.
Stephen King's explanation: Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor, unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!
The Christian Church's approach to characters: The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words, such as "breast," "sex," and contraception."
Dave Barry's explanation: The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where they're made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable, while cheap imitations are not flammable. I'm not making this up.
IBM's explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.
PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation: You've been DELETING them??? Can't you hear them SCREAMING??? Why don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!
;D
few thoughts to digest ;D
Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it.
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
Sometimes I think we are alone in the universe. Sometimes I think we are not. In either case, the thought is quite staggering.
Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
Sometimes you're the bird, and sometimes you're the windshield.
Speak softly and own a big, mean doberman.
And in all cases of my fantasy teams 8)
Success can be insured only by devising a defense against failure of the contingency plan.
Somebody punctuated me in the face, and I ended up in a comma.
An old man went to a beach and say a sexy girl in a bikini. he went up to her and asked her"can i feel your sexy, juicy boobs?"
The girl said, "no way, get away from me old man."
the guy said," twenty dollars?"
"no"
"one hundred dollars?"
"no"
"two hundred dollars?"
"no"
"five hundred dollars?"
the girl thought, what harm can it do? "sure"
the girl loosened her bikini and the man slipped his hand in her bikini.
while feeling her sexy, juicy boobs, the guy said, "OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD"
the girl said,"why do you keep saying OH MY GOD?
while continuing feeling her sexy, juicy boobs, he said "OH MY GOD, where am i going to get five hundred dollars?"
“I just story a car!†= Grand Theft Autocorrect.
The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population
8)
Everything I need to know, I learned from Noah's Ark...
ONE: Don't miss the boat.
TWO: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
FOUR: Stay fit. When you're 60 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
FIVE: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
SIX: Build your future on high ground.
SEVEN: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
EIGHT: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
NINE: When you're stressed, float awhile.
TEN: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
;D
A woman, completely fed up with her husband's on-line FanFooty obsession, finally takes matters into her own hands.
One night, as he is sitting at the computer, she goes into the bedroom, takes off all her clothes, puts on a full length leather coat, and stands herself between her husband and the monitor.
She pulls open the coat and yells, "Time for Super Sex!!!"
He ignores her.
So, she repeatedly yells, "Super Sex", "Super Sex", "Super Sex".
Finally, he replies, "Ok, Ok, I'll take the soup".
Thing have been a bit shaky between us since.
:o
A blonde goes to her doctor and says that every time she drinks a coffee her eye hurts.
The doctor prepared her a hot, fresh cup of coffee to see what really happens.
She took a sip of the coffee and screamed, "Ouch, that hurts!"
The doctor said, "I know your problem."
The blonde asked, "Is it bad, doctor?"
The doctor replied, "No, you just need to take your spoon out of your cup before you drink your coffee."
“If you see an improperly lowercased letter, you must capitalize on it.â€
It was this little girl's first day of school and the teacher asked her what her name was and she replied, "Happy Butt."
The teacher said, "Honey I don't think that's your name you need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out."
So she went to the principal's office and he asked, "What's your name?"
The little girl said, "Happy Butt."
The principal called the girl's mother to get this straightened out once and for all.
After getting off the phone he looked at the little girl and said, "Honey, your name's is Gladys, not Happy Butt."
The girl then exclaimed, "Glad Ass, Happy Butt"what's the difference?
The newlywed Blonde went to the store to ask how to operate the new coffeemaker received as a wedding gift. The salesman carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready.
A few weeks later the goober was back in the store and the salesman asked her how she liked the coffee maker.
"Wonderful!" she replied, "But... it's just awfully inconvenient to have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee."
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel on his belt buckle.
Bartender: What's that on your belt?
Pirate: Arrr, It's drivin' me nuts!
A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." The Project manager is sitting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!" The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!"
A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before.' He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R."
The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?"
Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R."
Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong." The teacher asks, "Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?"
Little Johnny stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E."
"Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?"
Little Johnny says, "That's easy. Two plus two be fore."
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all could use more calm in our lives.
By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So, I looked around my house to see things I started, and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of single malt Whisky, a pack of Oreo's, a pot of coffee, a fine bottle of Shiraz, the rest of the Cheesecake, some savoury shapes, an old Vintage Port and a box of favorites Chocolates.
You have no idea how flowering good I feel.
8)
Charlie was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before the first race, a Catholic priest visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing. Charlie watched the horse race very carefully, and sure enough, the blessed horse came in first.
Charlie followed the priest before the next race. Again, the priest went to the stables and blessed another horse. Charlie quickly put two pounds on that horse and won close to fifty quid! The priest kept blessing horses and Charlie kept betting on them and they won!
The last race of the day was the biggest and Charlie saw the priest with another horse. He quickly went to his bank and withdrew his life's savings of £20,000 - went back to the racetrack and put it all on that horse!
He watched the race in certain anticipation of leaving a millionaire. The horse was last to cross the line and Charlie was dead broke. He couldn't believe what happened so he went looking for the priest.
He found him and asked, "What happened to that last horse you blessed? Because your blessing didn't work, I've lost all of my money!"
The priest said, "That's the trouble with you. You can't tell the difference between a blessing and Last Rites!"
They have a greeting card section called, New Baby.
I don't think you need the word new.
Do you have an Old Baby section? Cause my friends had a baby, and I let time get away from me, and he's now 12.
Decal-covered vehicles are signs of ad-vans civilization.
Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
The good news about mid-life is that the glass is still half- full...of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.
Mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans...we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.
Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves...and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.
Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!
Mid-life is when you start to repeat yourself...and your chins follow suit.
You become more reflective in mid-life. You start pondering the "big" questions -- what is life, why am I here...how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?
>:(
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure
A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the restroom.
The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor.
As the room quieted down he walked up to the redhead bartender, and asked her, "May I please use the restroom?"
The redhead replied, "I really don't think you should."
"Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use a restroom!"
"Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"
"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll look the other way!"
So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the restroom.
After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again!
He went to the bartender and said, "Miss, I, don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place is hopping again."
"Well, now you're one of us!" said the redhead. "Would you like a drink too?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.
"You see," laughed the redhead, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?"
What's the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68 and 78?
At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story.
At 78 - You can get out of bed, that's another story.
8)
Why was Aussie Ken thrown off the African safari tour?
He kept throwing another chimp on the Barbie.
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir.How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!"says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
A business woman named Cindy was in the airport VIP lounge on her way to Los Angeles. While in the VIP lounge, she noticed Donald Trump sitting on the sofa enjoying a brandy. As luck would have it, Cindy was meeting with a very important client who was running somewhat late.
Being a bold business woman, Cindy decided to go ahead and approach Mr. Trump, and introduced herself. Much to her surprise Mr. Trump turned out to be very nice. Encouraged by this she explained to "the Donald" that she was about to close a very important business deal and that she would be very grateful if he could say a quick "hello Cindy" to her when she was with her client. Mr. Trump consented to do just that.
Ten minutes later while Cindy was speaking with her client, she felt a rap on her shoulder. It was Donald Trump. Cindy turned about and looked at him as Trump said.
"Hi Cindy, what's going on?"
To which Cindy glibly replied, "Not now, Donald, can't you see I'm in a meeting!"
8)
“When the gastroenterologist retired, he threw in the bowel.â€
Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya going boy ?"
The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue."
The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern."
"Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got !"
A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.
Finally the pro askes her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.
The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.
As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"
"Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"
::)
One day, a blonde went to the doctor with both sides of her face burned.
The doctor asked, "What happened?"
The blonde said, "Well, I was ironing my husband's shirt until the phone rang. I picked it up and half my face was burnt!"
The doctor replied, "What about the other half?" The blonde answered, "They called back."
:-\
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."
What do you get if you cross a bullet and a tree with no leaves?
A cartridge in a bare tree.
An attorney had just finished a consultation with an elderly, nearly blind widow, for which he charged her $100. The widow opened her purse and removed a $100 bill. When the lawyer accepted it, he noticed there was another 100 stuck to it. Immediately the lawyers keen legal mind realized he was faced with a vital ethical question:
Should he tell his partner?
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides it says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that! Show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, "HEBREWS."
A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them.
He asked if they had a license and, when they didn't, sent them off to get one.
They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license from him.
When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they had filled the names in backwards -- his where hers belonged and vice versa.
They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and got another license.
This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in the wrong format. Again they catch the clerk... After five reissued licenses, the judge is finally satisfied.
Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, and any children you might have would be technical barbies."
Groom: "That's funny - that's just what the clerk called you."
;D
A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, ''Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!''
''I wouldn't worry too much about it,'' the doctor replies. 'Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.''
''But you don't understand,'' the woman insists. ''He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.''
8)
MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church
VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.
With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.
"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people."
Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home."
A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.
An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.
Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.
The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties.
"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."
But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.
Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home".
Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates.
The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.
8)
The first-grade teacher was showing pictures of animals to her students to see how many they could name. She held up a picture of a lamb, and a little girl said, "That's a sheep!"
"That's right!" said the teacher. "How about THIS one?" she said, holding up a picture of the king of beasts.
"That's a lion!" answered a little boy.
"Right!" said the teacher. Then she held up a picture of a deer. No one volunteered an answer. She tried to help. "What does your mother call your father?"
Johnny said, "I know! That's a lazy old goat!"
::)
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," Bob asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."
"What sort of question?"
"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'
Bob thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."
;D
I'm trying to give up sexual innuendo, but it's hard...
Really hard.
This is how my week goes. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, FridaySaturdaySunday
Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with?
A: He enters Nerdvana.
Many years ago I was sitting with my girlfriend’s Dad while she was upstairs getting ready, when the embarrassing pictures made an appearance.
“And here she is in the bath! She hates me showing this to anyone.â€
He just looked at me and said, “flower off out of my houseâ€.
:o
What?
“The man's pants zipper broke, but he fixed it on the fly.â€
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"
:o
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him:
"Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions, I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."
A United State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing
cabinet.
He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.
"This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him.
While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.
"I wish for an ice cold diet Coke right now!" He gets his Coke and drinks it.
Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.
"I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside."
Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.
He tells the genie his third and last wish.
"I wish I'd never have to work ever again."
POOF! He's back in his government office
The General Managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (NewSouth Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) were at a national beer conference.
They decide to all go to lunch together and the waitress asks what they want to drink.
The General Manager of Tooheys says without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."
The General Manager of Cascade smiles and says, "I'll have a Cascade Draught, brewed from pure mountain water."
The General Manager of Coopers proudly says, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers."
The bloke from XXXX says, "I'll have a XXXX, the cleanest beer on the planet."
The General Manager from Carlton glances at his lunch mates and says, "I'll have a Diet Coke."
The others look at him like he has sprouted a new head.
He just shrugs and says, "Well if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."
8)
I saw a sign on this door; it said, Exit Only.
So, I entered it and went up to the guy working there, and I was like, I have some good news. You have severely underestimated this door over here by, like, 100%, man.
;D
Last year a friend of mine upgraded from BoyFriend 1.0 to Husband 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog, leaving very little system resources available for other applications.
She is now noticing that Husband 1.0 is also spawning Child Processors which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed her that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
Not only that, Husband 1.0 installs itself such, that it is always launched at system initialization, where it can monitor all other system activity. She's finding that some applications such as SpendingSpree 2.4, GirlsNight 3.5 and CocktailNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).
During installation, Husband 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-ins such as MotherInLaw 5.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features she'd like to see in the upcoming Husband 2.0 include:
1. A "Yes I'll cook, clean etc." button.
2. An install shield feature that allows Husband 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.
I myself decided to avoid the headache associated with Husband 1.0 by sticking with BoyFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems.
Apparently you cannot install BoyFriend 2.0 on top of BoyFriend 1.0; each program begins damaging the other. You must uninstall BoyFriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug that I should have known about. You'd think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now! To make matters worse, the uninstall program for BoyFriend 1.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.
Another thing--all versions of BoyFriend 1.0 continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Husband 1.0.
Bug Warning
Husband 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Lover 1.1 before uninstalling Husband 1.0, Husband 1.0 will delete MS Clothing allowance files, before doing the uninstall himself.
More applications that won't run with Husband 1.0 include Chippendale 2.0, Netballwatching 3.5, Suremoreshoes 6.0, and Cleanup 4.3.
Applications that run very well with Husband 1.0, however, include Bummingaround 1.0, Pubnight 2.3, Golfing 2.7, Pokernight 5.3, and Wanderingeyes 4.9.
8)
“Where do witches roast their chickens ? In a coven.â€
::)
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some barbie has stolen our tent."
“I am really getting tired of sleeping jokes!â€
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for the same job interview. The brunette is the first one to go in, and after filling out the forms and going through the questions, the interviewer decides to ask her last question:
"How many D's are there in "INDIANA JONES""? The brunette thinks for a second and responds "One".
The interviewer sends her back with a promise that he'll get back to her after he had interviewed the remaining candidates.
The redhead is next. The process goes about the same, and at the end: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES"? She immediately says "One". The interviewer says, "OK, we'll let you know".
Then the blonde comes into the room, goes through the questions, and finally gets asked: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES". She gets a very serious look on her face and starts counting her fingers, muttering: "2, 4, 6 ...., hmmm - wait,... 2, 4, 6 .... can I borrow your calculator please?"
After going through 15 minutes of intense calculating, she finally comes up with the answer: "Thirty two"
The interviewer is stunned and asks her: "Ok, now tell me, how the hell did you arrive at this answer?"
She starts singing "Da Da Dah Dahhh Dah Dah Da Da Dah Dahh Dah Dah ..."
(The theme song for Indiana Jones)
:o
Useless Inventions
Non stick Cellotape
Solar Powered Flash Light
A black highlighter pen
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Inflatable Anchor
Smooth Sandpaper
Waterproof sponge
Waterproof Teabags
AC adapter for Solar powered calculators
Fireproof Matches
Fireproof Cigarettes
Battery powered Battery Charger
Seatbelts for Motorbikes
Hand powered Chainsaw
Inflatable Dartboard
Silent Alarm Clock
A Pedal powered wheelchair
Braille Drivers Manual
Double sided playing cards
Ejector seats for Helicopters
Quote from: T Dog on February 10, 2016, 08:43:50 AM
Useless Inventions
Non stick Cellotape
Solar Powered Flash Light
A black highlighter pen
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Inflatable Anchor
Smooth Sandpaper
Waterproof sponge
Waterproof Teabags
AC adapter for Solar powered calculators
Fireproof Matches
Fireproof Cigarettes
Battery powered Battery Charger
Seatbelts for Motorbikes
Hand powered Chainsaw
Inflatable Dartboard
Silent Alarm Clock
A Pedal powered wheelchair
Braille Drivers Manual
Double sided playing cards
Ejector seats for Helicopters
Screen doors on submarines ;D
Glow in the dark sunglasses
These actually exist, usually worn with a swagfag hat (inside mind you... Because it's so windy and sunny inside) by pilled out clubbing knob jockeys
My typing is still causing issues. I was just away on an overnight business trip and sent an text to Mrs Dawg "I wish you were here."
The message received by my wife was "I wish you were her."
Must learn to type better. >:(
What would you get if you crossed a donkey with an owl? A smart ass which knows it all.
Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin. The doctor said, "Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint, and a shovel." Paddy asked, "And what do I do with these, doc?" The doctor replied, "Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. That night if she says, 'That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever saw,' you hit her with the shovel."
Quote from: T Dog on February 10, 2016, 08:43:50 AM
Useless Inventions
Ejector seats for Helicopters
highly useful,
charges blow of the top of the helicopter and the blades so that the pilot can be ejected.
One of my all time favourites.
A bra, a battery and a set of jumper leads walk into a bar.
The battery and the jumper leads take a seat whilst the bra goes up to the bar.
The bra says to the barman "Afternoon pal, three pints of Stella please"
"Sorry mate" says the barman "I can't serve you".
"Why not?" the bra says.
"Coz you're off your tits and your mates look like they're going to start something".
A few typical dad jokes.
Q: Whats brown and sticky?
A: A stick
Q: What's big, yellow and can't swim?
A: A bulldozer
Q: What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: A carrot
Q: What do you call bears with no ears?
A: B
The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it
A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.
Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
8)
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the chinese medicine clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Doctor: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Doctor: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Doctor: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Doctor: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
;D
Last night I said to Mrs Dog "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV , smashed my laptop and threw out all of my red wine and beer.
>:(
“I am always sad when I go to the dentist, so I put on music and listen through my blue tooth headphones.â€
Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Johnny about his family trip.
"We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."
The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?"
Little Johnny thought for a few seconds and said, "Actually, we went to Ohio."
A man took his wife to a Broadway show. During the first intermission he had to use the bathroom in the worst way, so he hurried to find the bathrooms.
He searched in vain for the rest rooms, but instead, all he found was a beautiful fountain with foliage. Nobody was watching, so he decided to take a go right there. When he finally got back into the auditorium, the second act had already begun.
He searched in the dark until he found his wife. "Did I miss much of the second act?" he asked.
"Miss it?" she said, "You were starring in it!"
8)
A guy was playing golf, a golf ball hit him in the balls and he passed out. His friends took him to the doctor.
The man asked him, "Well, what do you think, doc?"
The doctor replied," We're going to have to put in a support for about a week." He then takes four tongue depressors and ties them all together with string.
The man's face looked disappointed, he told the doctor "But tonight's me and my wife's honeymoon."
The doctor replied, "Your going to have to bear with it."
Later that night, the man and his wife were in bed. She took off her shirt and grabs her breasts, "No one has ever seen these before."
The man pulls out his wang and says, "Well mines still in the crate!"
During a performance for the high school talent show at the local theater, a hole was cracked in the stage floor. Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee.
He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness. But a heckler in the back of the theater shouted:
"Don't worry, Freddy! It's just a stage you're going through!"
Now that Valentines is over you can discuss these new courses: ;D
25 Recommended Courses for Women
We can always continue to upgrade and improve ourselves, which is why we took some pains and found some really really useful courses that women might find interesting. Do sign up!
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem... Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
Census Taker: 'How many children do you have?'
Woman: 'Four.'
Census Taker: 'May I have their names, please?'
Woman: 'Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George.'
Census Taker: 'Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?'
Woman: 'Because we didn't want any Moe.'
8)
“The punctual zombie was undead on time.â€
After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, the stewardess announces over the intercom that "we're just waiting for the pilots."
The passengers look out the window and see two men, dressed as pilots walking towards the plane. Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind. There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke.
The men board the plane and go into the cockpit. More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers. The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins it's takeoff. As passengers look out the window they realize they are nearing the end of the runway. The entire passenger cabin begins screaming but the plane lifts off just before the end of the runway. The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves, at this point believing that they fell for a joke.
In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says "you know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!"
8)
Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.
The Indian man said to the American, "You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once. We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems."
The American said, "Talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story. I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law. My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.
More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson. And you say you have family problems?"
:o :o
Quote from: T Dog on February 18, 2016, 11:49:33 AM
Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.
The Indian man said to the American, "You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once. We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems."
The American said, "Talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story. I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law. My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.
More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson. And you say you have family problems?"
:o :o
reminds me of this parody for any of us old enough to remember
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6P7-ChuWbU4
An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness From God and this Christian Family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!
8)
“Using fish for currency can achieve an economy of scale.â€
Paddy Englishman, Irishman, & Scotsman all go for a job at a pet shop.
The interviewed tells all three that they can have a job if they can sing a song that includes a dog in the lyrics.
The Englishman sings "How much is that doggy in the window"
The Scotsman sings "You ain't nothing but a hound dog"
The Irishman sings "Strangers in the night....Scooby doo be doo be doo"
I've just been offered eight legs of venison for $40.00
Is that two deer? :o
Its Friday and I have been thinking about the big issues 8)
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
"Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs."
You think when gym teachers are younger, they are thinking, You know I want to teach, but I don't want to read?
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating ,the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
8) Fossils Rule ;D
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have grater problems.
A few things to do before the season starts: ;D
1) Look through a window and when someone is on the other side shout "OH MY GOD, I'M HIDEOUS!"
2) Bring a big chair into the lift facing away from the door and when someone walks in, dramatically turn and say 'we've been expecting you.'
3) Walk up to someone, hand them a potato, look them in the eyes and deadpan 'with great power, comes great responsibility.' Walk away.
4) Call someone to tell them you can't talk right now.
5) Point at someone and shout "You're one of them!" Run and pretend to trip. Crawl away slowly.
6) Buy a donut and complain that there's a hole in it.
7) Put Mayonnaise in a bowl, freeze it, and tell your friend it's ice cream.
8) Put up a "Lost Dog" poster with a picture of a cat on it.
9) In a public toilet, pass a note under the door next to you saying, "They're onto us. We need to go."
10) Walk up to a random person and say, "Wow! You've changed, I still have your picture from five years ago." And hold up a picture of potato.
11) Call McDonalds asking for directions to KFC.
12) Order a pizza 5 minutes before New Years, and when it comes, yell, "I ORDERED THIS THING A YEAR AGO!
13) Place a desk outside a lift. When people try to get on ask if they have an appointment.
14) Go to an electronic store with a banana and say that you want to upgrade to an apple.
15) Call Pizza Hut and ask for the phone number to Domino's.
16) Hide a walk talkie in a bush and scare people that walk by.
17) Get on a crowded elevator with a bag in your hands, sigh and say "darn my snake got loose again".
18) When someone asks you if you know what time it is, say yes and walk away.
19) Dress up as a duck and throw bread at people and say,"HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?!! HUH?!!!!
20) Go to a pet shop, point at an employee, and shout "I WANT THAT ONE MOMMY!!!"
8)
People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.
Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.
If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? :o
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
Living in a n*dist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead. :o
A man was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?"
"I'm out of petrol," the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. "Try it now," said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
"Wow!" the man exclaimed, "What did you put in my pettrol tank?"
"BP."
It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's abilities.
In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the
job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"
So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"
So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?"
So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"
So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback
overall cost."
So they laid off the night watchman.
:-\
A woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. "Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac." "I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $180 an hour." "That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
Rejection is all about who you no.
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God..."Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that
hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man,' Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits.
He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such in a way that he will satisfy your ah, physical needs. He'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advise to think properly.
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"What's the catch, Lord?"
"Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring . .
. So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first . .
. So, just remember . . . it's our secret . . . Woman to Woman."
:o :-X
Played a round of golf with the local course pro for some helpful tips.
After playing the first hole I turned to him for some advice and all he said was "loft".
So after the next 4 holes I asked him again and all he said was "loft"
Now we're done with the round and I asked him why after each hole all he would ever tell me was "loft " ?
To which the pro replies "loft" - "Lack Of F*cking Talent "
:'(
If I could have dinner with anyone dead or alive, I would choose...alive.
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.
"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive.
In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.
However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
Then a voice from the back of the room piped up: "Yeah, right."
8)
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.
The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup size, speaker size, and storage capacity.
This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about
men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
\
A man is hired by the circus to perform a necessary but rather unpleasant task. He is asked to walk behind the elephants in the center ring, shoveling aside their droppings as they walk about. After a rather difficult evening at work, he goes to the circus cafeteria, sits with other workers, and begins complaining about his work.
"It's just terrible work, walking behind those huge beasts and first dodging, then shoveling aside the dung they produce. My arms are tired, my shoes and pants are a mess, and I'll have to shower before I return home, because of the stink."
His friends at work agree: "Why don't you just quit this miserable job and find something more rewarding to do. You have to have some skills and talents that you can put to use somewhere else."
He looks at them, stunned: "You know, you're probably right, but I just can't give up the glamour of show business!"
A lot of people cry when they cut an onion. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. `Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then I can rest in peace'."
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."
"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.'
Holding her hand in the air and showing off her ten carat diamond ring., Tillie said, "So, do you like my stone?"
;D
During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.
The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening. After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say....
"You see, it IS vanishing cream!"
My daughter says she wants her eyes, lips, nose and smile to be surgically reconstructed at the cost of thousands of dollars, but I think she's just going through a face.
Many years ago, in the south pacific, there was a small island kingdom that was ruled by a kind and benevolent King.
Each year, on the King's birthday, the residents of the island gave the King a new throne as token of their love and respect for him.
And each year, the King would put last years gift up in the attic of his small grass house.
After many years of ruling the island, the weight of the large number of birthday presents stored up in the attic became too heavy and caused the house to collapse down on the King.
Moral to the story is: He who lives in grass house, shouldn't stow thrones.
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."
What? :o
A Carlton supporter is sitting at a bar having a few drinks when he notices a very attractive lady sit down at the other end of the bar and order a drink.
The Carlton supporter calls the bartender over and says "whatever she is is drinking give her another one and tell her it is on me."
The bartender replies "I don't think you want to do that."
"What do you mean?" yells the Carlton supporter, "Send her the drink!"
"O.K." the bartender replies, "but I don't think it is a good idea."
"And why not?" asks the Carlton supporter.
The bartender leans over the bar and very softly says "because she's a lesbian."
"I don't care, send her the drink." says the Carlton supporter.
So after the lady gets her drink the Carlton supporter very casually strolls down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her and says, "so what part of Lesbia are you from?"
;D
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
( I was going to post you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.)
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."
"Three?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"Oh no," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates interrupted, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"Well it....no, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was having an affair with his wife.
::)
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate.
He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor.
He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
::)
Who Is On First? A old favorite ;D
(Sketch by Bud Abbot and Lou Costello)
LOU: I love baseball. When we get to St. Louis, will you tell me the guys' name on the team so when I go to see them in that St. Louis ball park I'll be able to know those fellows?
BUD: All right. But you know, strange as it may seems, they give ball players nowadays very peculiar names, nick names, like "Dizzy Dean." Now on the St. Louis team we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third --
LOU: That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the fellows on the St. Louis team.
BUD: I'm telling you. Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third --
LOU: You know the fellows' names?
BUD: Yes.
LOU: Well, then who's playin' first.
BUD: Yes
LOU: I mean the fellow's name on first base.
BUD: Who.
LOU: The fellow playin' first base for St. Louis.
BUD: Who.
LOU: The guy on first base.
BUD: Who is on first.
LOU: Well, what are you askin' me for?
BUD: I'm not asking you -- I'm telling you. WHO IS ON FIRST.
LOU: I'm asking you -- who's on first?
BUD: That's the man's name!
LOU: That's who's name?
BUD: Yes.
LOU: Well, go ahead and tell me.
BUD: Who.
LOU: The guy on first.
BUD: Who.
LOU: The first baseman.
BUD: Who is on first.
LOU: Have you got a first baseman on first?
BUD: Certainly.
LOU: Then who's playing first?
BUD: Absolutely.
LOU: (pause) When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?
BUD: Every dollar of it. And why not, the man's entitled to it.
LOU: Who is?
BUD: Yes.
LOU: So who gets it?
BUD: Why shouldn't he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
LOU: Who's wife?
BUD: Yes. After all the man earns it.
LOU: Who does?
BUD: Absolutely.
LOU: Well all I'm trying to find out is what's the guys name on first base.
BUD: Oh, no, no, What is on second base.
LOU: I'm not asking you who's on second.
BUD: Who's on first.
LOU: That's what I'm trying to find out.
BUD: Well, don't change the players around.
LOU: I'm not changing nobody.
BUD: Now, take it easy.
LOU: What's the guy's name on first base?
BUD: What's the guy's name on second base.
LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.
BUD: Who's on first.
LOU: I don't know.
BUD: He's on third. We're not talking about him.
LOU: How could I get on third base?
BUD: You mentioned his name.
LOU: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?
BUD: No, Who's playing first.
LOU: Stay offa first, will ya?
BUD: Well what do you want me to do?
LOU: Now what's the guy's name on first base?
BUD: What's on second.
LOU: I'm not asking ya who's on second.
BUD: Who's on first.
LOU: I don't know.
BUD: He's on third.
LOU: There I go back on third again.
BUD: Well, I can't change their names.
LOU: Say, will you please stay on third base.
BUD: Please. Now what is it you want to know.
LOU: What is the fellow's name on third base.
BUD: What is the fellow's name on second base.
LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.
BUD: Who's on first.
LOU: I don't know.
BUD: THIRD BASE!
LOU: You got an outfield?
BUD: Oh, sure.
LOU: St. Louis has got a good outfield?
BUD: Oh, absolutely.
LOU: The left fielder's name?
BUD: Why.
LOU: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask.
BUD: Well, I just thought I'd tell you.
LOU: Them tell me who's playing left field.
BUD: Who's playing first.
LOU: Stay out of the infield!
BUD: Don't Don't mention any names out here.
LOU: I want to know what's the fellow's name on left field?
BUD: What is on second.
LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.
BUD: Who is on first.
LOU: I don't know.
BUD & LOU: (together and calmly) Third base.
LOU: And the left fielder's name?
BUD: Why.
LOU: Because.
BUD: Oh he's Center Field.
LOU: (whimpers) Center field.
BUD: Yes.
LOU: Wait a minute. You got a pitcher on this team.
BUD: Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher.
LOU: I don't know. Tell me the pitcher's name.
BUD: Tomorrow.
LOU: You don't want to tell me today?
BUD: I'm tell you, man.
LOU: Then go ahead.
BUD: Tomorrow.
LOU: What time?
BUD: What time what?
LOU: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?
BUD: Now listen, Who is not pitching. Who is on --
LOU: I'LL BREAK YOU ARM IF YOU SAY "WHO'S ON FIRST!"
BUD: Then why come up here and ask?
LOU: I want to know what's the pitcher's name.
BUD: What's on second.
LOU: I don't know.
BUD & LOU: (VERY QUICKLY) THIRD BASE!
LOU: You gotta Catcher?
BUD: Yes.
LOU: The Catcher's name?
BUD: Today.
LOU: Today. And Tomorrow's pitching.
BUD: Now you've got it.
LOU: That's all. St. Louis hat a couple of days on their team.
BUD: Well I can't help that.
LOU: You know I'm a good catcher too.
BUD: I know that.
LOU: I would like to play for the St. Louis team.
BUD: Well I might arrange that.
LOU: I would like to catch. Now I'm being a good Catcher, tomorrow's pitching on the team, and I'm catching.
BUD: Yes.
LOU: Tomorrow throws the ball and the guy up bunts the ball.
BUD: Yes.
LOU: Now when he bunts the ball -- me being a good catcher -- I want to throw the guy out a first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who?
BUD: Now that's the first thing you've said right.
LOU: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!!!!!
BUD: Well, that's all you have to do.
LOU: is to throw it to first base.
BUD: Yes.
LOU: Now who's got it?
BUD: Naturally.
LOU: Who has it?
BUD: Naturally.
LOU: Naturally.
BUD: Naturally.
LOU: O.K.
BUD: Now you've got it.
LOU: I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
BUD: No you don't you throw the ball to first base.
LOU: Then who gets it?
BUD: Naturally.
LOU: O.K.
BUD: All right.
LOU: I throw the ball to Naturally.
BUD: You don't you throw it to Who.
LOU: Naturally.
BUD: Well, naturally. Say it that way.
LOU: That's what I said.
BUD: You did not.
LOU: I said I'd throw the ball to Naturally.
BUD: You don't. You throw it to Who.
LOU: Naturally.
BUD: Yes.
LOU: So I throw the ball to first base and Naturally gets it.
BUD: No. You throw the ball to first base--
LOU: Then who gets it?
BUD: Naturally.
LOU: That's what I'm saying.
BUD: You're not saying that.
LOU: I throw the ball to Naturally.
BUD: You throw it to Who!
LOU: Naturally.
BUD: Naturally. Well say it that way.
LOU: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!
BUD: Now don't get excited.
LOU: Whose gettin excited!! I throw the ball to first base--
BUD: Then Who gets it.
LOU: (annoyed) HE BETTER GET IT!
BUD: That's it. All right now. Take it easy.
LOU: Hrmmph.
BUD: Hrmmph.
LOU: Now I throw the ball to first base, whoever it is grabs the ball, so the guy runs to second.
BUD: Uh-huh.
LOU: Who picks up the ball and throws it to what. What throws it to I don't know. I don't know throws it back to tomorrow -- a triple play.
BUD: Yeah. It could be.
LOU: Another guy gets up and it's a long fly ball to center. Why? I don't know, he's on third, and I don't give a darn.
BUD: What did you say.
LOU: I said "I don't give a darn."
BUD: Oh, that's our shortstop!
LOU: ABBOTT!
;D
Q: What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?
A: "Better hold onto your nuts because this is no ordinary blowjob."
::)
Why email is like a penis
10. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.
9. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
8. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
7. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call "E-mail Envy,"
6. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
4. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
And the number one reason Why E-mail is Like a Penis...
1. If you play with it too much, you'll go blind.
8)
A blonde went to a beauty salon to get a haircut. When the beautician approached the chair where the blonde was waiting, she noticed that she was wearing a walkman. The beautician took the blonde to her styling booth. She asked the blonde, "Please take off the walkman so I can cut your hair." The blonde replied, "I can't do without it, just cut around it."
The beautician shook her head in disbelief and started cutting. A few minutes later the beautician stopped and asked the blonde, "I just can't cut your hair properly while you are wearing that walkman. Please take it off." The blonde replied, "I just can't live without it, cut around it please." The beautician started cutting again and finally had had enough.
The beautician reached down and pulled the earphones from the walkman off the blonde. Just as she did so the blonde froze, then fell out off the chair and on to the floor. The staff at the salon rushed to her aid only to discover she was stone dead. All were stunned! The beautician lifted the earphones to her ear to listen to what was so important to the blonde.
In a soft but commanding voice she heard, "Breathe in.......... Breathe out............ Breathe in.......... Breathe out............ Breathe in.......... Breathe out............"
::)
After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink. "You can't make any noise," she warned him. "My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us."
Things started getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol got the better of the man. "I have to go," he said.
"Well you can't go upstairs. The bathroom is right next to my parents' bedroom," she replied. "Use the kitchen sink."
So he dutifully retired to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he popped his head around the door and asked, "Do you have any toilet paper, or should I just use a paper towel?"
8)
A young couple, madly in love, decided to get married. But as the wedding day neared, both grew increasingly nervous over secret problems they had never shared with anyone. Privately, the groom-to-be approached his minister.
“I’m really concerned about this marriage,†the young man said.
“Don’t you love her?†the pastor asked in surprise.
“Of course,†the groom said. “But I have unbelievably smelly feetâ€"and I’m afraid my fiancée won’t be able to stand them.â€
“Oh, is that all?†the pastor replied. “Look, all you need to do is wash your feet twice a day and wear socks all the time.â€
The groom thought it over and decided it just might work.
Meanwhile, the nervous bride had privately approached the minister’s wife. “I’m so worried,†she sobbed. “I have really bad breath when I wake up each day!â€
“Oh, dear,†the pastor’s wife replied,†everyone has bad breath in the morning. Don’t worry about it.â€
“No, you don’t understand,†the bride implored. “My morning breath is so awful, my fiancé won’t even want to be near me!â€
“Well, I have an idea,†the pastor’s wife said soothingly. “Set your alarm just a few minutes before your husband wakes up. Run to the bathroom, brush your teeth, and gargle with mouthwash before he gets out of bed. The key is not to say anything until you’ve taken care of your breath.â€
The bride thought it over and decided it just might work.
In time, a beautiful wedding was held and the bride and groom enjoyed the day without once worrying about their secret problems. For several months they managed to keep their issues to themselves.
They one morning, the husband awoke before dawn to find that one of his socks had come off in the night. Frantic, he searched the bed, afraid of what might happen if he didn’t find his sock soon. His bride woke with a start, and, without thinking, blurted out, “What in the world are you doing?â€
“Oh, dear!†the young man wailed. “You swallowed my sock!â€
::) :-\ :o
An employment interviewer for a big company in London was talking to an attractive young woman applying for a job.
Looking over the application form, the interviewer noticed that the girl had not answered one important question concerning transportation to and from work, as she lived outside the city.
"What about your bus line?" the interviewer asked her.
"I don't believe I mentioned it," came the pleased reply, "but it's a 36C."
“My wife has a cold. This morning she woke up and had her morning coughy.â€
The drinker announced to the bartender, "It seems I've been informally named advisor on 'Sexual Matters' at my company."
"That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be counselling the big bosses on relations with their secretaries?"
"I'm not sure yet," he answered.
"During a staff meeting, I popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts and it was after that I was told if they ever wanted my flowering advice, they'd let me know."
:o
A local lawyer was sitting in his office the other morning when in walked a beautiful young lady.
Without any preliminaries she said she wanted a divorce.
"On what grounds?" asked the lawyer.
"I don't think he is faithful to me," she replied.
"And what makes you think he isn't faithful?" asked the lawyer.
"Well," replied the young lady, "I don't think he is the father of my child."
“A nun who said nightly prayers in the shower did so out of habit.â€
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"
''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--''
''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.''
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.
''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
8)
My new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum. :-\
And from the American election....
"Don't worry Trump, we will over comb"
;D
The two men stood on the lonely lighthouse.
Through the fog they could see a small boat making its way toward them, with a lonely occupant.
Suddenly a squall lifted the craft and tossed the man into the water.
They sprang into action.
Hurriedly they launched their own craft and fought their way through perilous and treacherous waters to reach the man. At last they got him aboard.
"It's a good thing you rescued me," the dripping man said gratefully. "I am coming out to see you about your income tax."
::)
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?"
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we have our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Rottweiler: Make me.
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I lead these people from the dark, check to make sure I don't miss any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one takes advantage of the situation.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.....
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
"Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?" All of which proves, once again, that while dogs have masters, cats have staff.
>:(
A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great!"
"Will I meet her at a party?" he asks.
"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."
:'(
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
Why are you shaking she's going to eat me. :o
Hi! T Dog's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Harold and Gertrude had been married for fifty years and played golf together every Saturday.
One day while out on the course, Harold said to Gertrude, "Honey, there has been something bothering me all these years that I'd like to get off my chest before I die. You remember when we were first married and I had that pretty young secretary working for me? Well, I had an affair with her. But it was only one time, that was many years ago and I have been faithful to you ever since."
Gertrude replied, "Harold, there is something bothering me which I need to tell you. Three years before I met you, I had a sex change operation."
Harold was visibly shaken and could only reply, "Honey, how could you have never told me this?...and all these years you've been hitting from the ladies tees!!"
::)
Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had.
After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs.
She is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."
"I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"
Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."
She turns the other brother and says, "Then you must be...?"
"Yes, I'm the chip monk."
:'(
“I put my phone on vibrate. An hour later I finally got a text massage.â€
;D
They’re building a restaurant on the Moon now. They say the food will be great, but they’re worried there’ll be a lack of atmosphere.
Absolutely naked woman enters the pub. Barman looks at her very attentively.
Woman: Hey, what's up? Haven't you ever seen naked woman?
Barman: Well, yes I have... I'm only interested - where will you take your cash from?
:-[
A tyrant is like bad weather: The reign never lets up.
There was a young fellow who was quite inventive and was always trying out new things. One day he thought he'd see just how fast a bicycle could go before it became uncontrollable. He asked his friend, who owned an old Mustang, if he could tie his bike to the bumper of his car to test his theory. His friend said, "Sure."
So the young man tied his bike to the back of the car and said to his friend:
"I'll ring my bike bell once if I want you to go faster, twice if I want you maintain speed, and repeatedly if I want you to slow down."
With that, off they went. Things were going pretty well, with the car driver slowly speeding up to well over 60 mph. The young fellow on the bike was handling the speed just fine. But, all of sudden, a black Corvette came up beside them and before you knew it the fellow driving the Mustang forgot all about the fellow on the bike and took to drag racing the Corvette.
A little further down the road sat Officer John in his police cruiser, radar gun at the ready. He heard the two cars before his radar flashed 105 mph.
He called into headquarters on his radio: "Hey, you guys aren't going to believe this, but there's a Corvette and a Mustang racing out here on Highway 3, and there's a guy on a bike ringing his bell and waving his arms trying to pass them!"
Where am I going and why am I in this handbasket?
3 Ks a day keeps the minorities away :o
“Batman bought a fedora. He now wants to be the capped crusader.â€
After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her."
Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?"
The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who then took Eve by the hand and led her to a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you, Lord. That was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes, Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now I'd like you to caress Eve."
And Adam said, "What is 'caress'?"
So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss!"
And the Lord said, "You've done well, Adam. Now I want you to make love to Eve."
And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"
So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.
And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"
Poorly dubbed films are full of video syncracies.
A few lines to use tomorrow 8)
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me
You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
;D
I wanna make a joke about sodium, but Na..
Some Laws you may not know about 8)
'The Law of Volunteering"
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
"The Law of Common Sense"
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
"The Law of Self Sacrifice"
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
"Weiler's Law"
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
"Law of Probable Dispersal"
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
"Law of Volunteer Labor"
People are always available for work in the past tense.
"Conway's Law"
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
"Iron Law of Distribution"
Them that has, gets.
"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"
There is always one more bug.
"Law of Drunkenness"
You can't fall off the floor.
"Heller's Law"
The first myth of management is that it exists.
"Osborne's Law"
Variables won't; constants aren't.
"Main's Law"
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
"Weinberg's Second Law"
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.
;D
"I Give Evolution Two Opposable Thumbs Up."
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on.
So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.
God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true.The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.
>:(
A man was having marital problems. So he went to his shrink.
The shrink says, "When you get home, throw down your briefcase, run to her,embrace her, take off her clothes,
and yours, and make mad passionate love to her."
In two weeks he was back in the shrink's office.
The shrink asked "How did it go?"
He said, "She didn't have anything to say, but her bridge club got a kick out of it."
A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack.
The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave.
"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down."
The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door.
"I cut the tree down," said the man.
The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.
"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.
The little man laughed and answered back, "Sure, that's what they call it NOW!"
;D
"Top Ten Signs You Are 'Burned Out' Because of Work"
You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell."
Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back, jerk!"
Your garbage can IS your "in" box.
You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.
You have so much on your mind, you've forget often how to think.
Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through ...er.... Monday.
You sleep more at work than at home.
You leave for a party and instinctively take your ID badge.
Your diary exploded a week ago.
You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.
8)
“One day my friend asked me, how do you take such good care of your saxophone. I responded with tenor, love and care.â€
Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital. There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a bath, or are we hungry?"
Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Old Harold had breakfast, pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand.He had been given a urine bottle to fill for testing. The juice was apple juice. So .. you know where the juice went!
The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today .."
At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time."
The nurse fainted ...! Old Harold just smiled!
DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE!!!!
A nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.
"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said.
"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."
A man goes into a seafood restaurant and sees a sign that reads: "Big Red Lobster Tails - $1."
Amazed at the value of the offer, he calls a waitress over. "Excuse me," he said. "Is that sign correct?"
"Yes sir," she replied. "It's today's special offer."
"Fantastic," said the man. "But are you sure they're not small?"
"Oh no sir, I can assure you that they are very big."
"Are they out of date then?"
"No, no sir, they are fresh in this morning."
"Well in that case, here's my $1. Fill me up."
The waitress took the $1 coin, sat down beside him and said, "Once upon a time, there was a big red lobster..."
;D
“I don't mind kids playing hopscotch in most places, but my driveway is where I draw the line.â€
MAN TO PSYCHIATRIST: "You have to help me, Doctor. I'm starting to believe I'm a woman."
PSYCHIATRIST "Why do you think that?"
MAN: "It was something my gynecologist said to me the other day."
::)
The Hand family consists of 10 electricians. Their motto is "Many Hands make light work."
Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."
Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.
An incompetent ship captain grounds the warship he walks on.
They arrested a woman for causing an accident while on her mobilephone....she was charged with driving while intalksicated.
8)
The pastoral associate, the associate pastor, and the pastor are taking a shortcut to a meeting. As they walk through a vacant lot, the trio stumbles on an ancient oil lamp. On a lark they rub it, and to their amazement a genie appears and offers to grant them each one wish.
The pastoral associate cries out, “I want to be on an island paradise, lolling in the sun without a care!†The genie waves his hand and she disappears in a puff of smoke.
The associate pastor jumps up and says, “I want to be walking through the halls of the Vatican, marveling at all the artwork and never have to go to another meeting as long as I live.†He too disappears.
Scowling, the pastor says to the genie,†I want t hose two back in time for the meeting.â€
President Clinton walks into a restaurant and is seated at one of the finest tables. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a short skirt and legs that won't quit comes to his table.
"What would you like, Mr. President?" Clinton looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, and answers, "A quickie."
The waitress stomps off in total disgust.
After she regains her composure she returns and asks again: "What would you like, Mr. President?" Again Clinton thoroughly checks her out and again answers: "A quickie, please." This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.
A Secret Service agent, sitting at the next table, leans over and whispers, "Um, Mr. President, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE'.
“I knew I had to pay the mobster the money I owed him. It was a matter of life or debt.â€
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears. "Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandmother's meat loaf for dinner tonight, and it's just awful! I followed the recipe exactly, and I know I have the recipe right because it's the one you gave me. But it just didn't come out right, and I'm so upset. I wanted this to be so special for George because he loves meat loaf. What could have gone wrong?"
Her mother replied soothingly, "Well, dear, let's go through the recipe. You read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each step, and together we'll figure it out."
"OK," the bride sniffled. "Well, it starts out, 'Take fifty cents worth of ground beef'..."
::)
A missionary, in Africa, was out taking a walk in the jungle. Suddenly, he heard a noise from the brush in front of him. It was a lion. He started to back up and heard a noise from behind. Sure enough, it was another lion. He looked to his left and then to his right. You guessed it, lions were on both sides. It looked grim, so the missionary sat down where he was and started to read his Bible. Shortly after he started reading, the lions jumped the missionary and ate him.
Moral of the story: Never read between the lions.
8)
Thank you, Thank you...I will be appearing here all week ;D
I ate lots of baked beans for lunch. Now I'm like the Beach Boys, feeling the gut vibrations.
Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had just one golf ball.
“Don’t you have at least one other golf ball?†he asked.
The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one.
“Are you sure?†the friend persisted. “What happens if you lose that ball?â€
The other guy replied, “This is a very special golf ball. I won’t lose it so I don’t need another one.â€
"Well,†the friend asked, “what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?â€
“That’s OK,†he replied, “this special golf ball floats. I’ll be able to retrieve it.â€
“Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?â€
The other guy replied, “That’s OK too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I’ll be able to get it back -- no problem.â€
Exasperated, the friend asks, “OK. Let’s say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?â€
“No problem,†says the other guy, “you see, this ball is florescent. I’ll be able to see it in the dark.â€
Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, “Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?â€
The other guy replies, “I found it.â€
:o
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
An avid golfer was late coming home from his weekly game. As he dragged himself wearily through the door, his worried wife met him. "Honey," she said, "How was your game? Why are you so late?"
"Well," he replied, "this had to be the worst, hardest game of my life. Jack died out there on the golf course. Just had a heart attack at the second hole and then died."
"Oh, no!" she cried. "How awful for you! He was your best friend! No wonder you are late....."
"Yes, the ordeal really wore me out.," he said, "the whole rest of the game it was hit the ball, drag Jack, hit the ball, drag Jack......"
A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."
Whenever I see bacon in the pan, I think, ‘Now, that's parallel porking.'
A judge was instructing the jury that because a witness changed his statement after giving it to the police, he should not necessarily be regarded as untruthful.
"For example," the judge said, "when I entered my chambers today, I was certain that I had my gold watch in my pocket, then I remembered that I had left it on my nightstand in my bedroom."
When the judge arrived home that evening, his wife asked, "Why so much urgency for your watch? Don't you think sending three men to pick it up for you was a bit extreme?"
"What?" exclaimed the judge. "I didn't send anyone for my watch, let alone three people. What did you do?"
"I gave it to the first one," replied his wife, "after all, he knew exactly where it was."
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
:o
“My small friend always argues that vanilla, chocolate and strawberry are the three best ice cream flavors, I think he has a Neapolitan complex.â€
So in summary: -
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm just a carrier.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
“A TV repairman's job is to get set to work.â€
“Never discuss infinity with a mathematician, they can go on about it forever.â€
Clokes Kicking
And I quote -
"I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them."
- George Bush, former U.S. President
"It is white."
- George W. Bush, when asked what the White house was like by a student in East London
"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
- George Gobel
"Solutions are not the answer."
- Richard Nixon, former U.S. President
"Hi I'm Dean White, Dick, of the college."
- Richard (Dick) White, Duke University academic Dean introducing himself at a faculty dinner
"Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that."
- Bill Clinton, former U.S. president
"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
- Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach
"The internet is a great way to get on the net."
- Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate
"I would say that anything that is indecent and violent in TV is a crime against humanity and they should shoot the head man responsible."
- Ted Turner, Media Mogul
8) :o
Pastor Explains The Meaning Of Life To His Congregation. This Is Priceless.
On the first day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.â€
The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?â€
So God agreed…
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.
The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?â€
And God agreed…
On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.â€
The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?â€
And God agreed again…
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.â€
But the human said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?â€
“Okay,†said God. “You asked for it.â€
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
And I turn 20 in a few months.... :'(
Have you noticed this Grazz, Dudge and Nas
(https://i.gyazo.com/11ff9d07c34a0a1e71876b9c083c9f91.png)
and I just took up golf ;D
A proctologist walked into a bank.
Preparing to endorse a cheque, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it.
Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great! Some asshole's got my pen!"
A man walked into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants and the bartender said "That look uncomfortable", and then the man replied "Yeah, its driving me nuts" :o
A baby seal walked into a club :-\
A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. As he takes a sip of his beer, he hears a tiny little voice say: "Nice tie." He looks around but sees no one. He take another sip of his beer and hears: "A nice shirt, too." Again he looks around and sees no one.
He signals the bartender over, and hesitantly explains that he's hearing voices talking to him... "Of course," smiles the bartender. "It's the peanuts -- they're complimentary."
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"
"A jack," says lil' Johnny
There is a subtle but important difference between the words "complete" and "finished."
When you marry the right one, you are complete.
When you marry the wrong one, you are finished.
And if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are completely finished.
::)
I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
Glad I can laugh at myself found these:
(https://i.gyazo.com/44359fdfdc5088eb28df53d2e523a7c9.png)
(https://i.gyazo.com/52ed6fff95baed35106ee45cda98bcca.png)
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night.
He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says,"The sound is beyond that door."
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
;D :o 8)
An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant.
The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide.
A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.
The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide.
The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.
Many tried, unsuccessfully.
Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.
"Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"
The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."
::)
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
Hey ToroDoc ;D
Quote from: T Dog on April 13, 2016, 12:31:56 PM
An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant.
The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide.
A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.
The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide.
The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.
Many tried, unsuccessfully.
Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.
"Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"
The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."
::)
Awwww no, no, no, no, no :P
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their P.J.'s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.
A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!!
He found her lounging in the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "you know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"
"Yes", he replied reluctantly.
She answered, "We'll, today I didn't do it!!"
An old drunk stumbles across a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am."
The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks."Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I have not, Reverend."
The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Hear the new Christian rock parody album? The Gospel Accordion to Weird Al.
Stairs are useful and all, but elevators are really some next level technology.
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect lake camping and fishing trip.
Two days before the group is to leave, Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.
"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"
I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."
So here I am.
;D
Dilbert's Salary Theorem states that Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people.
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time
Since: Knowledge = Power, then Knowledge = Work/Time, and Time = Money, then Knowledge = Work/Money.
Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.
Bummer. :o
The first-time father, beside himself with excitement over the birth of his son, was determined to do everything right.
"So, tell me, Nurse," he asked as his new family headed out the hospital door, "what time should we wake the little guy in the morning?"
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it."
And on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
He whirled around and yelled, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVERSTOP?!"
A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly.
As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter.
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly.
The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away.
He ran over and pulled her from thewreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know!
Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I
turned off the big fan!"
::)
On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.
Ice skating is now on my list of things in life I never care if I do again.
Its like an anti-bucket list -- it rhymes with bucket, I can tell you that much.
:o
A Guide To Walking Tigers
Tigers really are as big and poofy and soft as they look, and they purr like a freight train going by. You find this out by taking one for a walk.
To take a tiger for a walk, you first need a tiger. Tigers fresh from the bush are not recommended for the inexperienced.
What you need is one who's used to the procedure. He or she is thus liable to be merely playful, rather than actively
irritated.
You also need a friend, whom you really, really trust. The friend carries an apple wood cane; apple, or some other wood which will bend under stress rather than shattering.
This, friend, is your backup, and the cane is his or her only tool for everything, from knocking stuff out of the way
that the tiger is liable to eat, to crowd control, to hooking on and madly hanging on if things go wrong.
What YOU carry is a ten foot length of pass-link chain. This is your leash. Pass-link chain is the stuff where the links will fit through each other.
This is important. You need this so you can hook on a safety clip. The chain is looped about the tiger's neck and acks as a giant choke-chain, but the clip is there to keep a loop of some sort in case things go badly wrong.
You carry the chain looped in one hand in a peculiar fashion which permits the whole length of chain to be dragged from your hand without taking your hand and/or arm with it.
You practice this beforehand till you're sure you've got it right. Then you go into the cage with the tiger. Your friend does not. You gauge the tiger's mood and put the leash on the tiger. There isn't a whole lot more to say about this step except to say that that is why your friend is there, OUTside the cage.
On your side is the fact that the tiger knows what the leash is for by this time and presumably is largely in favor of the idea.
This is where you find out that tigers are soft and poofy. They are also much, much larger than you had ever dreamed, when you're standing next to one.
Then you take the tiger for a walk. Your friend walks in front with the cane to clear the way. You walk with the tiger at your side, keeping pretty good control and letting the tiger know that you are Paying Attention, because if the tiger thinks you are not Paying Attention, it will do what house cats do, let you know that you should be Paying Attention. Unlike house cats, the tiger is big enough not to have to do anything truly outrageous to rectify the situation.
Reaching behind you with one fore paw and sweeping your legs out from under you is generally considered good enough by most tigers. They think this is hilarious. To this extent, tigers differ from housecats in that they seem to have a sense of humor.
It is possible that the tiger will see something that it wants. In this case, the tiger will go where it wants to go, and your job is to stop it. This is generally done by wrapping the chain around something that you pass, as the tiger drags you away.
This will slow it down enough for your friend to jump on top of you and grab the chain as you go bulleting across the countryside.
The weight of two adult humans will generally slow a tiger down enough to make things manageable, whereas one will not.
It is not usual for the tiger to react to freedom by turning around and turning you into fajitas, though this would actually (at least in the short term) be an eminently practical thing for the tiger to do. They enjoy their fun but are generally not ill-tempered. If they are they don't get taken for walks. They also purr like a freight train passing. Experts in the field claim that
this is not purring, that it means something else, but you couldn't put it by me. Sure sounded like purring, at 16-2/3 RPM, but it sounded like purring.
All in all, an experience I highly recommend as a lifetime source of cocktail party conversation, but it sort of tends to leave you limp for the rest of the day.
8)
“What did the dry erase marker say to the blackboard? Nothing! Dry erase markers don't chalk.â€
Ideas About Science
The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams, and classroom discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate Mark Twain's contention that the 'most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.
Q: What is one horsepower? A: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
Talc is found on rocks and on babies.
The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.
Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.
There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.
Lime is a green-tasting rock.
Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.
Clouds are high flying fogs.
I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.
Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.
We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.
Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.
Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.
A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.
The wind is like the air, only pushier.
8)
A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates he was asked by the gatekeeper, "Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?""Yes," the professor answered. "When I was a young candidate at the Hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against a team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not see it, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now."
"Well," said the gatekeeper. "That is a very minor sin. You may enter."
"Thank you very much, Saint Peter," the professor answered.
"You're welcome, but I am not Saint Peter," said the gatekeeper. "He is having his lunch break. I am Saint Lucas."
::)
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture.Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.One little boy raises his hand, 'I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs.''Very good, William,' cooed the teacher.'My mommy had a baby,' said little Esther. 'Oh, that's nice,' replied the teacher.Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.'I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns.'The teacher was relieved but puzzled, 'And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?''It'll teach those Indians not to 'screw' with the Lone Ranger.'
;D
This woman goes in for a facelift and the doctor says: "We've got this new method: I put a knob in the back of your head, and every time you feel like you need a lift, just turn it."
She gets the knob implanted and is beautiful for five years.
But one day she notices a problem and returns to the doctor.
"I've got these huge bags under my eyes," she complains.
The surgeon replies: "Those aren't bags; those are your breasts."
"Ah," she sighs. "That explains the goatee."
:o
I used to be a teacher, but found I didn't have enough class. So I tried looking for gold, but it didn't pan out.
“Did you hear about the computer technician who received third degree burns? He touched the firewall.â€
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
God: "Whew! I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness of Earth."
Angel: "What are you going to do now?"
God: "Call it a day."
This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever.
''Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?''
''Dogs can't talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a drink. If not, I get to kick your ass.''
''Okay,'' says the guy. He turns to his dog. ''Okay fella. Tell me -- what is on top of a house?''
''Roof!'' The man turns and smiles at the bartender.
''THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!''
''Okay boy. Tell me -- how does sandpaper feel?''
''Ruff!"
''What the hell you tryin' to pull mister?''
''Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me -- who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?''
"Ruth."
The bartender beats the hell out of the guy and throws onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at the guy.
"Geez. Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"
A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief.
After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor.
The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies.
"I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and...."
He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear".
"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"
"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache
for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles.
This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex.
When she climaxed she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head.
Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes".
Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?"
"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough.
And, by the way you have a lovely home."
:o
The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day. Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.
None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted. The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.
The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.
"Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around, and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
:o
Food Ideas Rejected By McDonalds:
Chicken McBobbitts
Salmon McNella
Tom & Roseanne "Together Forever" Value Meal
Shirley McLean Burger
McMenudo
Filet o' Gefilte Fish
Way Too Happy Meal
Lion King Hairball Happy Meal
Them Ain't Nuggets!
McKitty Sandwich
Boutrous Boutrous Burger
Rocky Mountain McOysters
McSpleen
The Depressed Meal
Filet O' Flesh
McShrooms
Bob Barker's Happy Pants Meal
McTonya Club Sandwich
Grumpy Meal, Dopey Meal, and Sneezy Meal
Two college football players named Bubba and Jed were taking an exam in English Literature. They must pass this exam in order to fulfill the academic requirement. If they fail, they would be dropped from the college varsity team for the whole season.
The exam was relatively easy as it consisted mainly of fill-in-the-blank type of answers. However, Bubba was stumped by one particular item.
The statement read "Complete the nursery phrase ... Ol' MacDonald had a ______." Trying as hard as he could, Bubba could not think of the answer. Seeing the professor was busy reading a book, Bubba took this opportunity to ask his teammate Jed.
"Pssst, Jed," whispered Bubba. "What did Ol' MacDonald have?"
"Gosh, Bubba, that's easy!" said Jed. Looking to make sure the professor wasn't looking, Jed said, "A farm! Bubba! That's what Ol' MacDonald had. Even babies know that!"
"Oh! Right!" nodded Bubba as though it was at the tip of his tongue. But as he proceeded to write down the answer, Bubba stopped to ask Jed again in a low voice.
"Hey, Jed! How do you spell farm?"
"Jeez, you're so dumb, Bubba!" admonished Jed. "Every one knows farm is spelled 'e-i-e-i-o'."
8)
Can you believe what people do in the church these days?
I was in the church listening to the priest's sermon when I saw a guy smoking cigarettes inside the church.
I was so amazed that i didn't know when the bottle of scotch I was holding fell on the floor. :(
“Did you hear the one about the woman who threw her toaster away because it kept burning the bread?
She was black toast intolerant.â€
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.
This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.
The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."
Two retired professors were vacationing with their wives at a hotel in the Catskills.
They were sitting on the veranda one summer evening, watching the sun set.
The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"
To which the professor of psychology replied, "Yes, and I think it's these pesky wicker chairs."
:)
One day in class, the teacher brought a bag full of fruit and said, "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit and you tell me which fruit I'm talking about. Alright, the first one is round, plump, and red. Little Johnny raised his hand high but the teacher ignored him and picked Deborah who promptly answered, "Apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now the second one is soft, fuzzy and colored red and brown." Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him but she calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, it's a potato, but I like your thinking," the teacher replies. "Okay the next one is long, yellow, and fairly hard." Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically but the teacher calls on Sally who say, "A banana." The teacher responds, "No, it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is irritated now so he speaks up loudly, "Hey, I've got one for you teacher. Let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it. It's round, hard, and it's got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries, "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "It's a dollar coin, but I like your thinking!
8)
If God didn't want us to eat animals, why did he make them out of meat?
;D
After she woke up, a woman told her husband,
“I just had a dream that you gave me the most beautiful diamond necklace. What do you think it means?â€
“You'll know tonight.†he said with a smile.
The woman could hardly think of anything else all day and she couldn't wait for her husband to return home.
That evening, the man finally came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it excitedly to find a book entitled…
“The Meaning of Dreamsâ€
“The policemen said if I didn't pay my library fine he would have to book me.â€
Did you hear the joke about the jump rope? .... Nah! Skip it!
How the echidna got its name?
The first naturalist who described this egg-laying mammal at a meeting encountered contemptuous disbelief from his colleagues. One of them even said, "'e kiddin' ya"
Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.
The barman says, “You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it . Your pints would taste better if you bought one at a time.â€
Patrick replies, “Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder.â€
The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.
Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way … ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, “Oh no,†he says,
Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me … I've quit drinking!â€
8)
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was Onestone. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone."He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this story?
You can't kill two birds with one stone!!
thank you all...I will be appearing here all week 8)
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
A girl is complaining about the size of her breasts to her girl friend. She said, "I know I may be shallow, but they're so small. I just can't stand them!"
Her girl friend replied, "Look, don't get an operation or anything like that. I had the same problem and I went to Dr. Michaels and he helped me a lot. Make an appointment."
"You do look good. OK, I'll do it."
She makes the appointment and after the examination Dr. Michaels said, "Look all you need is an exercise program and the improvement will be amazing.
Here's what you do. Stick your chest out and bring it back in. Do that for ten minutes every day.
To help you with the rhythm, do it in time with this poem, Mary had a little lamb, his fleece was white as snow. If I do this everyday, my breasts are sure to grow.
She did her exercise faithfully everyday, until one day when she forgot. She was on the bus going to work when she remembered that she hadn't done them that morning.
She looked around, and very gently stuck her chest out and back and quietly said, Mary had a little lamb his fleece was white as snow. if I do this everyday, my breasts are sure to grow.
She was startled when a fellow came up and said, "Hey, you go to Dr. Michaels, don't you?"
"Why yes," she said, "but how did you know that?"
He stood up and began gyrating his hips while reciting, Hickory dickory dock.......
:o
A little old lady had two monkeys for years. One day one of them died of natural causes. In grief, the second monkey passed away two days later.
Not knowing what to do with them, she finally decided to take them to the taxidermist and have them stuffed. After telling the owner of her wishes, he asked her, "Do you want them mounted?"
Blushing, she said, "No. Shaking hands will be fine."
An couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the ship watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him. So the captain sent the woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the woman got a fax from the ship. It read: "Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his back end was an oyster and inside the oyster was a pearl worth $50,000....please advise."
The woman faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
::)
Aaron was laying down carpet in some woman's home. As he was finishing, he got a craving for a cigarette. Aaron looked around and discovered that his cigarettes were missing. He did, however, notice a bump in the carpet, and figured that he had laid carpet over the pack without noticing it there. Aaron decided rather than to take up the carpet, he would get a hammer and pound it into the ground so no one would know.
When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and commented on what a nice job he had done.
"Aaron, the carpet looks wonderful!" she exclaimed. "Here are your cigarettes; I found them in the kitchen. Oh yes, and by the way, have you seen my kitten?"
Bill was short of money and was out looking for a job. Pastor Nelson offered Bill $500 to buy paint and paint the church.
Well Bill went out bough some paint and started painting the church.
He discovered that he was using more paint than he expected so the added some thinner to the paint, well it is still covered but not as well as it did at first.
Well he still was using more paint than he wanted to use so he added still more thinner to the paint.
Well the paint was too thin cover well but Bill still kept on painting.
All of a sudden there was a bolt of lighting and a loud voice from the sky proclaimed, "Repaint and thin no more."
::)
“There is a special species of bird that is really good at holding stuff together, they are called velcrows.â€
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
8)
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction. The poodle thinks, "Uh, oh!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the leopard. "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!" Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear. "Where's that damn monkey?" the poodle says. "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
“A synthesis is an essay about transgressions.â€
:o
Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking outside the box.
A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2016 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $1,999,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?".
The dude replies "A 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $1,999,000."
"That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure" replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!"
Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe three times as fast!
The guy wonders "what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeeP?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.
Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror!
WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
The guy jumps out and discovers it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your car!"
A young boy was walking along the docks one day admiring the ships, when a man walked up behind him and said, “Thinking of becoming a sailor?†“Yes, I am!†replied the boy. “Well,†the man said, “I have sailed many years and have had many adventures.â€
The boy looked the man up and down, and saw that he had an eye patch, a peg leg, and a hook. “I would love to hear of your adventures,†said the boy. “Well,†the man said, “I was sailing around the Cape of Good Hope when I encountered pirates. They boarded my boat and I fought them 'til there was only one left. But before he got away he cut off my leg!†“That sounds terrible!†exclaimed the boy. “Aye lad, it was, but I got over it and continued sailing the seas.†“How did you get the hook?†inquired the boy. “I was once again sailing around the Cape of Good Hope on my way home when I encountered the same pirate with a whole new crew. They boarded me again and I fought down to the last man, only this time as he got away, he cut of my hand!†“That is awful!†the boy once again exclaimed. “Aye lad, but again I got over it and continued sailing the seas.†“Tell me how you got the eye patch! Was it the pirates again?†“No lad, this time I was just out finishing one day, I heard the cry of a gull, and when I looked up it sh*t in me eye!â€
“Pardon me sir, but I didn’t know you could lose an eye from gull sh*t.†“Well lad, 'twas the first day with the hook!!!â€
If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?
Murphy walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what Murphy had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives
::)
Q: What's the cheapest kind of meat?
A: Deer balls. They are under a buck.
A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
;D
Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting." So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice.
Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there."
Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?"
Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it, where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!"
Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too."
So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg.
Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"
The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.
The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more f**king ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!"
8)
There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.
Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their
owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.
He opened his own office with a sign on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way,
you get your dog back!"
Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result.
This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has got it right..
While at the funeral of her own mother, a woman met a man who she did not know. She thought he was 'amazing'. She believed him to be her dream partner so much that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him.
A few days later she killed her sister.
Question: What was her motive for killing her sister?
Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below..
Answer:
She was hoping the guy would appear again at her sister's funeral. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath.
This was a test developed by a famous American psychologist, used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer.
Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly... If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.
If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my e-mail list.
8)
The traveling salesman's car broke down in the country and he knocked on the farmhouse door. When the farmer opened the door, the salesman said, "Sir, my car has broken down, and I was wondering if you might be able to put me up for the night?"
The farmer said, "Why, sure, but you will have to sleep with my son."
The salesman hesitated then said, "Excuse me, sir, but I think I'm in the wrong joke."
“I would tell you a leech joke, but it would suck anyway.â€
Having a rough day?
Just in case you've had a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts.The funny thing is that it really works.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world,".
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.
8. See, you're smiling already.
8)
Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son, "Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Kirkland is?"
A few minutes later, Timmy returned.
"Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?"
"She's fine, except that she's angry at you."
"At me?" the woman exclaimed. "Whatever for?"
"She said it's none of your business how old she is," snickered Timmy.
“I keep walking methodically back and forth. I have to learn to pace myself.â€
During the banquet celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness, and many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single in the first place."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=29VM44bM77M
8)
During its heyday the Wells Fargo Company employed a number of specialized stagecoaches such as one with a church for Sunday operation. One of the more popular models featured a darkroom on board, so passengers who took pictures could have them processed en route and the prints delivered at their destination.
One day a stagecoach equipped with a darkroom was headed for Wichita when, passing through a small town, it was intercepted by the local marshall, who said, "Halt in the name of the law!"
"What's the problem?" the stagecoach driver asked.
"You should know that the operation of a mobile darkroom is illegal in Kansas," the marshall said.
At this point two psychologists on horseback arrived on the scene. One of them said, "I suppose what we have here is a classic case of the Oedipus complex."
The other said, "No, it's much simpler than that -- it's just an arrested stage of development."
I came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders.
It seems so easy,so I thought I'd pass it on. The article suggested doing it three days a week.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface,where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5kg. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day,you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-kg. potato sacks.
Then 15-kg. potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 20-kg. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.
;D
A priest was sent to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of years the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing. The priest said that it was a really lonely job and that he didn't think that he could have made it without his Rosary and two martinis each day. With that the priest said to the Bishop, "Would you like to have a martini with me?" The Bishop said, "Yes, that would be nice." The priest turned around and hollered toward the kitchen, "Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please?"
what? :o
“The museum curator was brilliant at judging sculptures and paintings. He displayed art official intelligence.â€
"Hmmm," St. Peter reflected. "Well, how about Mercury?"
"No way!" God muttered. "It's way too hot for me there!"
"I've got it," St. Peter said, his face lighting up. "How about going down to Earth for your vacation?"
Chuckling, God remarked, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!"
8)
They always say that Albert Einstein was a genius. Then how come when anyone ever calls you that, its an insult?
e.g You don't know where you parked the car? Good job, Einstein.
I don't think we are honoring that man properly by using his name in vain in car parks.
Back in the colonial days a man wanted to grow hair on his chest to impress his new girlfriend.
So he went up to George Washington and asked "Hey George how do I get hair on my chest to impress my woman while we make love?"
George Washington said "man, I don't know, you are talking to the wrong man, why don't you talk to one of the other great fathers of this country like John Adams"
So he went to John Adams, and asked, "Hey John how do I get hair on my chest to impress my girlfriend while we make love?
John Adams said "my son you are talking to the wrong person, you need to talk to Abe Lincoln"
So he went to Abe Lincoln. he said "Sir, how do I get hair on my chest to impress my girlfriend while we make love???"
Abe said "that is easy, every night before you make love, go down there and rub your chest all over it, this will help fertilize it!" so with the advice from Abe he did.
About 3 months later, while walking down the street, he saw Abe, he hollered at him and ripped his shirt open exposing a chest full of hair, and said "it works, it works!!!!"
Abe reached up and stroked his beard twice and said, "I KNOW, I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!"
8)
There was a blonde driving in the country side when she went around the corner and saw an ocean of wheat fields.
Then she saw a blonde in a row boat frantically paddling.
The blonde driver yelled out, "Hey! It's blondes like you that give blondes like me a bad name and if I knew how to swim, I'd swim out there and kick your ass!"
1· I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
2· There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
3· Life is sexually transmitted.
4· Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
5· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
6· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
7· Have you noticed since everyone has a mobilephone which takes photos these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
8· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
9· All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
10· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it Normal .
11· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
12· Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever Comes out'?
13· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
14· Why does your Gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
15· If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
16· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
17· Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
18· Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
19· Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
20· Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
;D
8) No 15 worries me slightly though
What actually is the answer to 19?
Quote from: PowerBug on May 16, 2016, 07:49:48 PM
What actually is the answer to 19?
Answer: Most glue doesn't stick to the inside of the bottle because it needs air in order to set. If you leave the cap off of the bottle or as the bottle gets closer to empty so that more air is inside the bottle, the glue will get stickier.
Some types of glue require a chemical other than those found in air. These types of glue won't stick to the bottle even if you leave the cap off.
In some cases, there is a solvent in the glue that helps keep the molecules in the glue from cross-linking (getting sticky). The glue doesn't solidify in the bottle or stick to it because of the solvent. The solvent evaporates in a half-empty bottle of glue, but this is limited by the space in the bottle.
If you've ever left the cap off of a bottle of glue, you know it's capable of sticking just fine once the composition has had a chance to set up! This also occurs when a bottle of glue is close to empty.
:o
“What do you call a tissue that is sleeping? A napkin.â€
I was walking down the street and saw a sign in a store window that said "Help Wanted," so I ran in the store and yelled out, "What's wrong?!" The cops wasted their time attending ::)
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
A guy was meeting a friend in a bar, and as he walked in he noticed two pretty girls looking at him. He heard one girl say to the other "Nine."
Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his buddy at the bar and told him that the girl in the corner had just rated him a nine out of ten.
"Sorry to spoil your evening," said his friend, "but when I walked in they were speaking German."
An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.
"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"
The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII.
A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes.
For my first wish, I asked to return to the States.
My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need.
Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."
"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"
"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."
:o
Public Restrooms for Guys
Its not an enjoyable place. We get a urinal; we don't get real estate. Its a little, creepy urinal, right?
Ladies, you know what it feels like in the elevator when you're in complete silence with a bunch of strangers?
Now put your penis in your hand.
;D
An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi. As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.
'It's free,' St. Peter replied, 'this is Heaven.' Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home was located on. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, 'What are the green fees?'
St. Peter replied, 'This is heaven, you play for free.' Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the World laid out. 'How much to eat?' asked the old man.
'Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!' St. Peter replied, with some exasperation. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?' the old man asked timidly. St. Peter lectured, 'That's the best part - you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.'
With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, 'This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins and exercise, I could have been here ten years ago!'
Paddy and Murphy are havin' a pint in the pub, when some scuba divers come on the TV.
Paddy says, "Murphy, why is it them deep sea divers always sit on the side of the boat with them air tanks on their backs, and fall backwards out of the boat?"
Murphy thinks for a minute then says, "That's easy. It's 'cos if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the friggin boat!"
The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?" "Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."
Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex.
Elmer says, "Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!"
Leon replies, "You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?"
To which Elmer said, "Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding!"
So the second old man rushed to the store.
The clerk asks the old man, "May I help you?'
"Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please," said Leon.
"That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done!" the clerk remarked.
Leon replies, "Damn! Does everyone know about this except me?"
My Fantasy teams are a real joke this week :-[ :-[
The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms.
After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground.
Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron says to the other, "I don't think much of this budgie jumping."
The other moron replies, "Yeah, I'm not too keen on this paragliding either."
;D
Restless leg syndrome. Cmon, what kind of horseshower is that? Its a syndrome? Restless leg syndrome? I have no idea what constitutes a syndrome, but its a hell of a lot more serious than some freakin wiggly legs.
A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"
The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."
The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of something he can do.
"Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"
The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."
A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before.
"What's the matter now?"the bartender asks.
The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"
The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."
The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!"
The bartender, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.
The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery.
"It worked, it worked!" he exclaims.
"I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
8) Go Pies Go Hard
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
"So, really? How long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in our bed."
The Dawg 8)
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, If I died, would you get another dog??
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting..
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a ute.
And last, but not least:
14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?â€
The father replied, “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.â€
With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, “Hello, is Melvin there?â€
The man answered, “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dialâ€.
“See,†said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch….â€
The father dialed the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?†asked the father.
“Now look here!†came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got lot of guts calling again!†The receiver slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said, “You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means.â€
He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, “Hello!â€
The father calmly said, “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?â€
Tuesday thoughts;
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10.. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
23 . When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
8)
Q: What did the blanket say when it fell of the bed?
A: "Oh sheet!"
Q: How do you find Ronald McDonald in a nudist colony?
A: Look for sesame seed buns.
In this job I have, I need to wear this badge around my neck all day -- like, a laminated badge. Its like a backstage pass to the crappiest concert ever invented.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Give her a package of M&M's and tell her to put them in alphabetical order!
One night Jack Evans, along with his 3 university friends went out drinking till late night, as many college students are prone to do, and didn't study for their test, which, of course, was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and weird as they could with grease and dirt.
They went up to the dean and explained that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tire of their car burst. They continued to explain how they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.
The dean, being a compassionate human being said that they could take the test after 3 days. The students graciously replied that they'd be ready by that time.
On the third day, they appeared before the dean. The dean explained that since this was a special test all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the duration of the exam.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last three days. The test consisted of 5 questions with total of 100 points:
MID SEMESTER COURSEWORK EXAMINATION
INSTRUCTIONS : All questions are required. Any inconsistencies on any of the questions among the four students will result in all the candidates getting a zero mark.
Q.1. Write down your name. ----- (2 POINTS)
Q.2. Write the name of the bride and groom at the wedding you attended. ----- (30 POINTS)
Q.3. What type of a car were you driving? ------(20 POINTS)
Q.4. Which tire burst? ------- (28 POINTS)
Q.5. Who was driving? ------ (20 POINTS)
;D
My mate, an analog circuit designer applied for a job at a dating service, but they told him, "You've misread the ad: we process singles, not signals." :o
Three women walk in a pet shop.
Suddenly the parrot yells out, "Yellow, pink, blue."
The first lady says, "That's funny, I am wearing yellow underwear."
The second lady says "well I'm wearing pink."
The third lady says "No way, I'm wearing blue."
To test the parrot, the next day, all of them wore white and the parrot shouted, "white ! white ! white!"
The three women are amazed.
The final test was the third day, just as they walk in the parrot yelled "Bald, curly and straight!"
They never went there again!!
;D it is Friday ;D
Although he was a qualified meteorologist, a local broadcaster ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program.
He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.
That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.
He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job.
One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position.
In the blank he wrote quite honestly, "The climate didn't agree with me."
There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!
The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them!
The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie.
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her, "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
"On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about...," replied the lady.
:-\
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.
A couple of days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint,unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony,being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony,and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
8)
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blond. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request."
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully, for the last time, I said BRING POSSE!"
Dear Tech Support:
Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources.
No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 automatically installs undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. As a consequence system performance seems to diminish with each passing day. Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0:
A "Don't remind me again" button - - Minimize button
An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.
An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to have greater use.
I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.
Another annoying problem-all versions of Girlfriend continually popup annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0
***** BUG WARNING *****
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before executing a self - uninstallation. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient system resources.
*** BUG WORKAROUNDS ***
To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.
Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that.
The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How'd it turn out?"
"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling -- I'll see you in two hours!"
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.
A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOODNESS! I left the baby on the bus again!"
Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"
Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick- tock-tick-tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'"
The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over to the grandfather clock. He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, "Ve haf vays of making you tock!"
Once upon a time, long, long ago there were two unique lions in the jungles of Africa. Both, it seems, had human-like qualities that made them claim territory, daring the other to cross over the line. Strange as it seems, the boundary between their turf was a well traveled trail through the jungle.
All day every day, both lions lay in the brush staring across the trail at their compatriot, daring him to cross into their territory.
The local natives knew of this animal feud, but all this was unbeknown to African Jack, a well-known and must publicized guide who did not speak Lionese and was unfamiliar with the territory.
While he was leading a safari through the jungle, walking all day and cutting vines with their machetes, all this constant hacking brush had them worn to a frazzle. After seeing two or three of his safari drop from exhaustion, African Jack decided to stop on the trail between these two lions and camp for the night.
After sitting up camp, eating, and getting his safari settled African Jack sat on a stump and began reading. While he was busily engaged in the printed page, the two lions, simultaneously, pounced on African Jack and ate him on the spot.
When the 6 o'clock news heard of the tragedy, they reported, “African Jack killed this evening. The motive is unclear, but it is reported he was reading between the lions.â€
;D
“The pirates were fighting with each other because they didn't have good anchor management.â€
Questions about mouthwash? Just Gargle it.
Employee: "Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?"
Boss: "Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?"
Employee: "Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this firm for over ten years."
Boss: "Yes."
Employee: "I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first."
Boss: "A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time."
Employee: "I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade."
Boss: "Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?"
Employee: "Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!"
Boss: "Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?"
Employee: "Oh, the electricity company, gas company, water company and the banks debt collection company!"
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
An Internet psychologist is 
selling a dvd that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ.
Here’s how it works: If you spend $19.99 for the dvd, your dog 
is smarter than you.
An instructor at a girls' school in country QLD is giving her students what she calls a "charm course."
"You give your escort the chance to be gallant," she says. "For instance, you should remain seated in the ute until he has had time to step around and open the door for you."
Then, returning to reality she adds, "Of course, if the big oaf is in the pub ordering his steak, don't wait any longer."
“There were a bunch of pillows at the shop. I took one and my friend took the rest.â€
A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, There are $20 bills falling out of your bag."
"'Oh, really? Darn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.."
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?' You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes."
"Well, that seems only fair." laughs the cop. "OK? Good Luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?''
"Well, you know", says the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
::)
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" the cop asked.
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" the golfer asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
8)
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. When it was her turn, she rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature".
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?
She thought for some time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
So Moses is up on Mount Sinai and he says to God, "God, do I have a pounding headache!"
And God says, "Here, take these two tablets."
::)
If you can show me a man with a comb over, I can show you a man who thinks that by crushing a bag of chips, you make more chips.
Grazz was a sports fan whose face was always either buried in the sports pages', laptop or transfixed by the television screen.
One night as he lay in bed next to Mrs Grazz watching a football game, she got up, walked across the room and unplugged the television set.
"Hey," Grazz shouted, "what do you think you're doing?"
"I am sick of sports, and I'm sick of TV," Mrs Grazz replied. "You haven't touched me in months. We're going to talk about sex right now!"
"Okay, Okay. So..." After a moment, Grazz asked, "How often do you think Paddy Dangerfield gets laid?"
::)
Harry was shipwrecked on a deserted island. For several months, he longed for someone to talk to; searched the horizons for even the suggestion of a ship.
One day, his commitment was rewarded: A beautiful woman was washed up onto the beach, floating on a large steamer trunk. Harry got her all settled, and fed, and dried off and they started talking.
April asked Harry, "what is something you've REALLY missed being out here on a deserted island for so long?"
"A clean shirt," was Harry's response. With a huff, April reached into the steamer trunk and tossed Harry a shirt.
April let out a short huff, but persevered: "Surely there's SOMETHING you've really missed out here...all alone...on an island with NOBODY all this time?"
"Oh wow, YEAH, there sure is: I'd REALLY like a dry pillow to sleep on."
April reached into her steamer trunk once again and tossed Harry a pillow; and she would not be put off. Striking her most alluring pose, she asked in her most provocative voice, "C'mon, Harry, wouldn't you like to play around?"
Harry got all excited and started jumping up and down. "Don't tell me you have a set of GOLF CLUBS in there, too?!???!?!"
8)
Last two were particularly good Tdog!
The question is:
If nothing ever sticks to teflon, how do they make teflon stick to the pan?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
A woman goes to the doctor: "ToroDoc, please help me I've tried everything, but I can't get pregnant."
"It may be a hereditary problem! Did your mother have kids?"
Hahaha
A man has a racehorse that never won a race. The man says in disgust, "Horse, you win today or you pull a milk wagon tomorrow morning."
The starting gate opens and all the horses take off running except for the man's horse which is lying there asleep on the track.
He kicks the horse and asks, "Why are you sleeping?"
The sleepy horse raises his head and says, "I have to get up at 3 o'clock in the morning."
(https://i.gyazo.com/98940174cf28cbfefe1ea244126d0040.png)
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Myers and bought a pair of white gloves.
The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.
Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening.
If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to
remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three
weeks and they were hardly soiled.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."
;D am I banned now?
A man came home from the office and found his new bride sobbing convulsively. "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."
"Oh, just forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit."
"Yes, I know. And it's lucky you have!" said the woman, drying her eyes. "I was able to use a piece from them to patch the hole!"
I have just read Sun Tzu's critically panned sequel to his masterpiece, - The Fart of Whore.
A family enters a large store. After browsing for several moments they purchase some goods and head for the large counter at the front of the store.
They notice a robotic seal standing in a corner situated near the counter. It is dressed in a tuxedo and each time goods are packaged the seal nods as if in agreement.
After the third purchase is made the father asks the counter assistant why the robot nods each time.
The assistant replies, "Isn't it obvious? It's our seal of approval."
Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic. One of them was crying, tears were pouring down his face.
The other guy asked, "Why are you crying?"
The first one replied, "I came here for blood test."
The second one asked, "So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?"
The first guy replied, "No. Not that. During the blood test they cut my finger."
Hearing this, the second one started crying.
The first one was astonished and asked the other, "Why are you crying?"
Then the second guy replied, "I have come for a urine test."
:o
A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon quickie.
"Don't worry," he assures her, "my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk."
As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop! I forgot to bring birth control!"
"No problem," he replies, "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."
After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"
::)
I was out last Sunday -- I didn't see any signs, nobody to ask, so I lit a cigarette.
This woman lost all control of her bodily functions. Put it out, please, put it out. I turned around -- she was three pews away!
some people...pfffft :o
When someone says to me great minds think alike, i just look at them and think “You dirty barbieâ€
Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
The police recently busted a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.
When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.
He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983.
8)
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange.
The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."
"No shower?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.
"Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes."
"Keep going!"
I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, "You now have three wishes."
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."
She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"
"What next?" begged the bartender.
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!
Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"
I looked at her and replied, "How 'bout a little head?"
:o
A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said "Stay here and be very quiet. I'll be across the field." A little while later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son asking, "What's wrong? I told you to be quiet."
The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' I panicked..."
:'(
How do you keep a blonde in the shower all day?
Give her a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."
Saddam Hussein is sitting at home when the phone rings. He picks it up and says "Hello". The voice at the end of the phone says "Hello Mr. Hussein, it's Paddy here. I'm just ringing to let you know that we've declared war on your country." Sadam smiles to himself, "Come on Paddy", he says, "there's no point you declaring war on us, you wouldn't stand a chance." Paddy replies, "No, no, we've had ourselves a meeting, and we've decided to declare war on you."
So Sadam says, "OK Paddy, now listen, I've got an air force of over a thousand planes, what kind of air force have you got to match that? It'd be over in no time." So Paddy says, "Well my lad's got himself a hot-air balloon, and my brother used to work at an airport." Hussein laughs, "Oh come on, you've not got a hope". "Hold on a sec, Mr. Hussein, ", Paddy says, "we'll just have a quick meeting." So off he goes and has a quick meeting. "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war."
So Saddam says, "Right then Paddy, well you know, as well as the air force, we've also got about a thousand tanks. How are you going to match that." "Well," Paddy says, "I've got an old austin, and my cousin down the road has got a tractor." "Get real, " says Sadam, "that's no match at all."
So Paddy says, "Hold on, I'll just go and have another meeting." "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war."
Sadam thinks this is just amazing, "Well how many soldiers have you got Paddy?". "Well," says Paddy, "there's me, my kid, me 4 cousins, and they all had sons, and there's Bill down the road.... I reckon I could get together about 30." Laughing openly now Sadam replies, "Come on Paddy, I've got 10,000 highly trained fighting men at my disposal. I think you'd better go and have another meeting." "I will", says Paddy, "I will."
"Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're not going to declare war on you after all." "At last, " replies Sadam, "What made you change your mind?" "Well, it's those 10 thousand soldiers you see. We can't declare war on you because we've not got the facilities to keep all those prisoners!"
;D
A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he seesa little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?'
The biker replies "I'm a U.S. Marine, and a Republican".
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
And THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.
“After eating the ship, the sea monster needed an Alka-Seltzer. He said, 'I can't believe I ate the hull thing.'â€
One day a guy walks into a bar and sees this jar of money, so he goes up to the bartender and asked him what it was for he says well we are having a contest.
You see that guy over there you have to tap him on the shoulder and knock him out in one punch. The guy says I can do that. Then he says next you have to go in that cage over there and there is a dog in there he has all the rabies in the world you have to pull out three of his teeth.He says I can do that.
Then the bartender says next you have to have sex that old lady over there, the man says no I won't do that.
He has a couple of beers then puts his money in the jar and then taps the guy on the shoulder and knocks him out in one punch. Then goes in the cage and comes out 3 minutes later and asks where is the old lady that needs her teeth pulled.
::)
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success.
Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan.
They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.
They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him."
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?"
The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."
Thank you for purchasing'Bubba & Cooter's Book of Sure-fire Pick-up Lines'brought to you by Bubba & Cooter. Enjoy!
1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea
I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.
8) Man - 'Fat Penguin!'
Woman - 'WHAT?'
Man - 'I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.'
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room...
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.
AND.. the best for last!
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up
:o
Did you hear about the free-lance magic advisor? He added consult to conjury.
A collection of insults to use on each other over the weekend without Collingwood. 8)
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
I think you should live for the moment. But after that, I doubt I'll think so.
Man alive! But I wish you weren't.
I believe in respect for the dead; in fact, I could only respect you if you WERE dead.
Is your name Maple Syrup? It should be, you sap.
You spent so much time trying to get rid of that halitosis that you had only to find out that you are not popular anyway.
You are the kind of person who, when one first meets you, one doesn't like you. But when one gets to know you better, one hates you.
We know that romance brings out the beast in you -- the jackass.
I'm looking forward to the pleasure of your company since I haven't had it yet.
There are several people in this world that I find obnoxious and you are all of them.
All of your girlfriends kiss you with their eyes closed. Considering your face, that's the only way they could.
I hear that when your mother first saw you, she decided to leave you on the front steps of a police station while she turned herself in.
;D
Answering Machine Message #71
Theme music from Peter Gunn: "My name is David. What people call me is something else entirely. I'm a P.I. It says so on my door. I would have been here to take your call, but then... she walked in. She was the kind of dame that could make Mr. Spock speak French. Her baby blues wouldn't let me turn her case down, so leave me a clue of your identity after the tone and I'll track you down. Here's lookin' at you, kid."
Taliban TV Guide
MONDAYS:
8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
10:00 - "Allah McBeal"
TUESDAYS:
8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"
8:30 - "The Price is Right If Osama Says Its Right"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"
WEDNESDAYS:
8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
8:30 - "Bowling For Food"
9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"
9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
10:00 - "Veilwatch"
THURSDAYS:
8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"
8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
9:00 - "Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils"
9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"
FRIDAYS:
8:00 - "Judge Laden"
8:30 - "Funniest Super 8 Home Movies"
9:00 - "Who Wants To Execute A Multimillionaire"
9:30 - "Achmeds Creek"
10:00 - "No-witness News"
8)
“That is what I like about chiropractors. They always have your back.â€
What do you call a dog that hears voices?
A Shih-Tzu-Phrenic!
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD :o
1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, 'Who was that??!!'
'Oh,' replies the husband, 'that was my mistress.'
The wife says, 'That's it; I want a divorce.'
'I understand,' replies her husband, 'but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours.'
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. 'Who's that woman with Jim? ' she asks.
'That's his mistress,' replies her husband.
'Ours is prettier,' says the wife.
8)
A blonde and a brunette decide to start a farm together. They add up their life savings into a total of $200.00.
Then, the blonde decided to purchase a bull with it. The brunette agrees, and so the brunette leaves to go find the perfect bull. When she does she is to telegram the blonde and tell her to come get it.
Finally, the brunette find the bull of her dreams. The farmer says he wants $200 for it. The brunette, thinking she can get a better deal, says no to his offer.
The farmer says, "Alright then, I'll give you a great deal, how about $199.00?"
The brunette accepts and buys the bull. She has $1.00 left for the telegram. The telegram guy says, "It's $1.00 per word." The brunette thinks about this and says,"Comfortable, write that."
"Comfortable?" the guy questions.
"Yes, you see she reads slow."
:o
think about it ;D
Euro 2016 is boring. You sit in front of the tv all day and UEFA somebody to score.
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.
The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"
:o
One spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the surface of a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance.
The fish said to itself, "If that fly comes six inches closer, I'll jump up and have myself a meal." Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, " If that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up, and I'll catch the fish and have myself a meal."
As luck would have it, a hunter saw what was happening. He thought to himself, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and I'll shoot the bear."
Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself," If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and I'll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter.
However, unbeknownst to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and I'll snatch the rat."
At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed the sandwich, the cat jumped, missed the rat and landed in the lake.
The moral of this story is:
If the fly drops six inches the person will get wet.
;D
I was out the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "I got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
;D
hahaha gold ;D
“What's a lightbulb's favorite movie? The Shining.â€
I was at a party the other night, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, and I thought, That is cool. Like 10 minutes later, I saw a guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, That is not cool. Thats when I realized cool is all about leather sleeves.
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots?
He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were.
It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots...."
Her trial starts next month.
8)
An extremely ugly man was sitting in a bar having a drink with his friend, who is his polar opposite. In fact, he may be the most handsome man in town.
The two of them are discussing a beautiful blonde girl sitting at the bar.
The handsome man said, "Boy, I sure would like to get some of that."
The ugly man said, "Go ahead, go for it."
The handsome man said, "There's no way, she won't go with anybody, I've tried many times."
The ugly man said, "I think I could go out with her if I wanted to."
The handsome man laughed and said, "If she won't go out with me, she sure as hell won't go out with you."
Ugly said, "I'll bet you fifty bucks she'll go with me."
Handsome says, "You're on!"
Ugly says, "OK, just leave the money with the bartender and I'll pick it up later."
He walks up to the girl, starts talking and then turned around and walked out of the bar, with the girl right behind him.
The handsome man couldn't believe it. He went up to the bar and asked the bartender, "What happened? What did he say to her?"
The bartender told him, "Well, he didn't say much. He just said it's a nice night for a walk. And then he licked his eyebrows and left."
8)
The Code Of Ethical Behavior For Patients seeing ToroDoc ;D
1. Do not expect your ToroDoc to share your discomfort.
Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.
2. Be cheerful at all times.
ToroDoc leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.
3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated.
Remember that ToroDoc has a professional reputation to uphold.
4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief.
You must believe that ToroDoc has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.
5. Never ask ToroDoc to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it.
It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.
6. Submit to novel experimental treatment readily.
Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly.
You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of ToroDoc and other humanitarians.
8. Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford.
It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
9. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by ToroDoc.
The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
10. Never die while in ToroDoc's presence or under his direct care.
This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
8)
Hey ToroDoc, hope you are fine and dandy.
Fossil-fool politicians in many countries are following Nero: playing the liar as Earth burns :D
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across
the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
;D
Things we would never know without going to the movies... ;D
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
Most dogs are immortal.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition -even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. Even a bad German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his
forthcoming art exhibition.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a Stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization (especially a
Macintosh snicker, snicker!!)).
8)
A newly hired nurse listened while ToroDoc was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"
She asked another nurse, "Why is he going on like that?"
The experienced nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here."
8)
The invention of the vacuum cleaner led to rapid in dusty realization.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer. ;D
The "AAA" Apathy Awareness Association held their Annual World Meeting last night. Nobody attended because they don't give a "shower"!
and a couple after Brexit
Joke 1 : Friend just told me there is a new slimming product in town. It is called Brexit. It'll help you lose a lot of pounds.
Joke 2 : EU has some free space now, exactly 1 GB.
Joke 3 : The English language will have only 3 vowels now: *a, i ,o* having exited *e u*
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.
He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"
:o
One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle. He killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species. In court, he pleads innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor. In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it, but what did it taste like?" The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl!"
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were trying to get in to see the Olympics without tickets. So they got to the stadium during one of the main events and discussed how they would be able to attend without paying.
The Englishman walked around the stadium and saw a pole lying on the ground and picked it up. He walked to the entrance and said, "Peter. England. Pole throwing." The guards let him in without hesitation.
While walking, the Scotsman sees a manhole. He picks up the cover, carries it under his arm to the entrance and says, "McGregor. Scotland. Discus throwing." The guards let him in also.
The Irishman is very frantic, since both his friends are now inside. He walks around the stadium and finds a roll of barbed wire. He picks it up, walks to the entrance and says, "Murphy. Ireland. Fencing."
Tech Support: 'What does the screen say now.'
Person: 'It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'.'
Tech Support: 'Well?'
Person: 'How do I know when it's ready?'
???
For beer drinkers
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " ~ Frank Sinatra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Henny Youngman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." ~ Stephen Wright
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!! ~ "Unknown"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
;D
haha love it 8)
Quote from: space-man on June 28, 2016, 08:54:06 PM
haha love it 8)
Thanks space - dude ;D
There’s that moment when you put your steak on the grill and your mouth waters all over from that amazing smell. Do you vegans feel the same when you mow the grass?“
I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.
So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?â€
One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!â€
So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?â€
That’s about as far as I remember.
???
Mr. and Mrs. Thomas were both 102 years old. They had been married 74 years. The local television station sent a news crew out to interview them.
"What we need to do," the reporter explained, "is to interview you separately. It just seems to make for a better write-up, when we do it that way. So, if you don't mind waiting, Mrs. Thomas, we'll go out on the porch with your husband and visit with him for a few moments first."
After they were settled on the porch, the reporter began his interview. "Mr. Thomas, I know you get tired of people asking you this, but what do you think is the cause of your longevity?"
"Well..." Mr. Thomas drawled thoughtfully. "I get up early every morning. I eat pretty good, you know, garden food and such....and...oh, yeah! God talks to me!"
The reporter stared up at him to see if he was kidding. "You mean God actually talks to you?"
"Yep," the old-timer replied sincerely. "We're pretty close. In fact, when I have to get up and go to the bathroom during the night, God even turns the light on for me."
The reporter quickly excused himself and went in search of Mrs. Thomas. "I don't mean anything unkind by this, Ma'am, but is Mr. Thomas okay...mentally, I mean?"
"Why?" she asks curiously.
"Well, he says that when he goes to the bathroom at night, God turns on the light for him," the reporter explained.
"Oh, damn!" Mrs. Thomas said, irritably. "Has that old fart been pissin' in the refrigerator again?"
;D
A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She then takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.
The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer...
"Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!" she replies.
:D
Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are seperated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said "Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence." Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence...but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.
"Satan!" beckoned God. "You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!"
"Yeah? What if I don't?" replied the devil.
"I'll sue you if I have to," answered God.
"Sure," laughed Satan. "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"
:o
Answering Machine Message 26
You have reached the Business Automation voicemail system. We used to call it an answering machine, but this is a high-tech world and we're in a high-tech business, so we don't call it that any more. We wouldn't even if we could. So leave your message...
Q: Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
A: The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
Sewage treatment plants have a lot of poo stenchial benefits.
A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper', an ice cream parlor in Naples , and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids'
::)
A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
Boyfriend 4.0
Last year, many women upgraded their BOYFRIEND 3.1 to BOYFRIEND PLUS 1.0(marketing name: FIANCE 1.0) and then further upgraded FIANCE 1.0 to HUSBAND 1.0.
They found that 1.0 is a memory hogger and incompatible to many other programs in their lives.
HUSBAND 1.0 includes plug-ins such as MOTHER-IN-LAW, BROTHER-IN-LAW, and ANNOYING LOSER FRIENDS although
market research has clearly shown that they are unnecessary and unwanted.
The upcoming BOYFRIEND 4.0 will change all that. Created by leading experts in the field and based upon years of research and
classroom lectures, it includes the best of the old features, such as the HANDYMAN FUNCTION, and includes many new functions such as the OPTIONAL COMMITMENT FEATURE.
Other immature functions, such as BEER GUZZLING and CAT CALLING have been removed, though they can still be found on FRATBOY 1.1
BOYFRIEND 4.0 will include:
- An AUTOMATIC REMINDER BUTTON AND PAY ATTENTION FEATURE (so I don't have to repeat myself)
- MINIMIZE BUTTON
- SHUTDOWN FEATURE
- SHOPPING FUNCTION
- A BACK-UP ENERGY SUPPLY, so it won't fall asleep after sex
- A LAUNDRY, COOKING, & HOUSECLEANING FUNCTION
- DIAPER-CHANGING FUNCTION, for the more advanced users
- A SELF DESTRUCT SEQUENCE, so once it's uninstalled it won't come back
- A MONOGAMY FEATURE
- AUTOMATIC OVERRIDE that kicks in right before they're about to say ANYTHING even remotely stupid
:o
Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her classes:
"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher called on Little Johnny for his answer.
With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Johnny answered, "A lawyer!"
My math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a real number on it.
Political correctness ?.... this isnt it :o
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rgDtgyzVZYk
Answering Machine Message 173
(Gameshow-announcer voice:) Hello, and welcome to Phone Tag! (Cheers in background.) If you'd like to join the game, please leave your name and number at the beep, and we'll try to reach you when you're not around. And thanks once again for playing Phone Tag!
Why did god create Adam before he created Eve?
- Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.
Three football teams (Arsenal, Liverpool, and Hartsfield) are flying from England across Egypt for a match in the Middle East. Their plane crashes in the desert and they survive. After days of wandering, they are really hungry so when they come across a camel, the footballers decide to kill it and eat it. The Liverpool team says, "Because we play for Liverpool, will we eat the liver." The Hartsfield players decide, "Because we play for Hartsfield, we will eat the heart." Arsenal says, "We think we might go hungry..."
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.
"I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them."
- George Bush, former U.S. President
"It is white."
- George W. Bush, when asked what the White house was like by a student in East London
"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
- George Gobel
"Solutions are not the answer."
- Richard Nixon, former U.S. President
"Hi I'm Dean White, Dick, of the college."
- Richard (Dick) White, Duke University academic Dean introducing himself at a faculty dinner
"Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that."
- Bill Clinton, former U.S. president
"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
- Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach
"The internet is a great way to get on the net."
- Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate
My favorite ...
"I would say that anything that is indecent and violent in TV is a crime against humanity and they should shoot the head man responsible."
- Ted Turner, Media Mogul
;D
Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace. ???
An Englishman , a Frenchman , a Spaniard and a German were all standing watching a street performer do some extraordinarily good juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentleman have a very poor view, so he stands on a large wooden box and calls out, ....." Can you all see me now ? "
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Si"
"Ja"
;D
May help if you can read in the accents :o
A buyer was considering purchasing an aging thoroughbred but wanted a veterinarian's opinion of the horse before finalizing the deal.
When the vet had completed his examination the potential buyer asked, "Will I be able to race him?"
The veterinarian looked at the buyer, then at the horse.
"Sure," he replied, "And you'll probably win!"
I swear to drunk I'm not God, but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school, and don't do vegetables. :o
Some people think filling animals with helium is wrong but I say whatever floats your goat. 8)
At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded to investigations into the basketball team by suspending any basketball player who wasn't maintaining a passing average.Furious, the coach came storming into the dean's office,followed by one of his star players.
"You can't keep him from playing!" the coach roared. "We won't win this weekend without him!"
"I don't care," the dean said. "Things have gotten out of hand at this college."
"What do you mean, out of hand?" the coach demanded.
"I'll show you what I mean," the dean said. He turned to the basketball player and said, "Tell me,how much is six times seven?"
The player thought for several seconds. Then he said, "Thirty-one?"
The dean turned to the coach and said, "I rest my case."
"Oh, come on now," the coach said. "Why are you making such a big deal of it? After all, he only missed it by one."
“A butter is an angry goat.â€
::)
There were these two blondes driving along the highway looking for a place to stop and picnic.
The first blonde says, "Let's stop here, and have our picnic under that tree."
The other says, "No! Let's have it right here in the middle of the road."
They argued about it for a bit, but finally agreed to have it in the middle of the road.
All of a sudden, a car comes speeding towards them and has to swerve into the tree to keep from hitting them.
The one blonde says to the other, "See? If we were under that tree, we'd be dead now!"
::)
1. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Chop.
2. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By Using The Sink.
3. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers: Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins. Remember To Use A Timer.
4. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You From Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze Button.
5. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then You'll Be Afraid To Cough.
6. You Only Need Two Tools In Life: Wd-40 And Duct Tape. If It Doesn't Move And Should, Use The Wd-40. If It Shouldn't Move And Does, Use The Duct Tape.
7. If You Can't Fix It With A Hammer, You've Got An Electrical Problem.
Daily Thought:
Some People Are Like Slinkies -- Not Really Good For Anything, But They Bring A Smile To Your Face When Pushed Down The Stairs.
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.
"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.
Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.
Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"
One of Sigmund Freud's early patients rushed out into an Austrian afternoon on her way to meet her best friend at a coffee house.
Over Cappuccino and Viennese pastries, she suddenly burst out crying.
Her friend begged her to share what was wrong.
"Oh, it's just terrible," she wailed. "Today the doctor told me I'm in love with my father, and. . .and. . .and you know, he's a married man!"
:o
Some good old fashioned political incorrectness about Religion
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mYXenjpefNU
;D ;D ;D ;D
From the mind of Steven Wright....
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading . . . And all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one . . . It wasn't doing what I was doing.
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me--and I didn't hear it.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
8)
Seen in real CVs: feel free to copy and paste ::)
"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."
"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."
"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"Interests: Donating blood. 14 litres so far."
Business one-liners
Any wire cut to length will be too short.
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.
Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked.
Anyone who makes an absolute statement is a fool.
Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator. - Claude Shouse
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart.
Anything in parentheses can be ignored.
Anything is easier to take apart than to put together.
Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of a sudden he sees a shark in the water, so he starts swimming furiously towards his boat.
As he looks back, he sees the shark turn and head towards him. He's scared to death, and as he sees the jaws of the great white beast open, revealing its horrific teeth, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"
In an instant, time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"
Confused, and knowing he can't lie, the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"
The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracts back into the heavens. The man feels the water move once again.
As the atheist looks back, he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.
Shocked, the man watches as the huge beast closes its eyes, bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food which I am about to receive..."
::)
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "What human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
::)
A small-town Victorian country boy gets a scholarship to Melbourne Uni. During his first week on campus, when he's still learning to get around the place, he's trying to find the library to meet up with a study group.
While wandering around, he sees an older, distinguished-looking man walking by. Figuring that the man is a professor, or otherwise associated with the school, he decides to ask him for directions.
"Excuse me," he asks, "do you know where the library is at?"
The man stops, looks at him, and sniffs, "Son, at Melbourne we do not end a sentence with a preposition".
"OK. Do you know where the library is at, a*shole?"
;D
The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs.
"Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.
"I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man.
"And why not?"
"Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!"
Monahan stumbled into a saloon, half crocked. "Say," he said to the bartender, "how tall is a penguin?"
"About two and a half feet."
"Thank God!" cried Monahan. "I thought I ran over a nun!"
Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, 'Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?'
'I don't know,' responded the other. 'I'll ask him.' So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. 'Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?'
'Intelligence,' the boss said.
'What do you mean, ‘intelligence'?'
The boss said, 'Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can.'
The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree.
The boss said, 'That's intelligence!'
The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, 'What did he say?'
'He said we are down here because of intelligence.'
'What's intelligence?' said the friend.
The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, 'Take your shovel and hit my hand.'
8)
I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the internet, but from a mentor, and on a very personal level.
My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives.The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give!
Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man.
Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when I was on 12. We were sitting in a park, watching children and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family.
"And son," he said, "be sure you marry a woman with small hands."
"How come, Grandpa?" I asked.
"It makes your pecker look bigger."
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
::)
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!"
;D
“How do you catch a skeleton?
- With a rib-cage.â€
People who wonder whether the glass is half empty or half full miss the point. The glass is refillable.
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they're bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her damn appendix out!"
:o
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. 8)
Scene: A courtroom where a witness is testifying in a case involving a man biting off the ear of another man during a fight. After supplying testimony which was very bad for the defendant, the witness was being cross examined by the defendant's attorney.
Attorney: You said that you saw the defendant and the plaintiff in a fight?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: You then said that you were concerned for your safety and that, because of this concern, you sought shelter elsewhere?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: You further stated that during this time of seeking shelter, you turned your back to the fight at hand?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And THEN you testified that that was when the defendant bit off the plaintiff's ear??!!
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: Well, that makes for an interesting question then! If your back was turned to the fight then you obviously MUST have had the plaintiff and the defendant out of your field of vision, correct?
Witness: Yes, correct.
Attorney: Well then, did you SEE the defendant bite off the plaintiff's ear?
Witness: No.
Attorney: (Smugly) THEN HOW DO YOU "KNOW" THAT THE DEFENDANT BIT OFF THE EAR OF THE PLAINTIFF IF YOU DID NOT SEE HIM DO IT??!!
Witness: I saw him spit it out.
(Dead Silence)
Attorney: No more questions.
;D
Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
I think I want a job cleaning mirrors.
It's just something I could really see myself doing.
:)
Why can't you trust Satan's resume?
The devil lies in the details. ;D
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that, I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
Next, I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.
Then, I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next, was a job in a shoe factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
So, I tried retirement and found that I'm perfect for the job!
8)
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
and not only that you know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
:o
I was sitting at a bar one time, when I noticed that, next to me, an old drunk was hassling one of the biggest, toughest guys I'd ever seen.
The old guy was clearly blasted, and kept getting in the tough guy's face, say, "I flowered your mother."
Despite being huge and jacked, the tough guy just kept shrugging it off. The old guy laughed in the tough guy's face, saying it again. "Hey, I flowered your mother."
Then, the old man even poked him, and repeated himself, "No seriously, I flowered your mother."
At this point, finally, the tough guy had had enough. He grabbed the old man by his jacket and began to pull him out of the bar, yelling,
"That's it. We're going home, Dad. You're drunk."
8)
There was a young virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.
Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."
She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.
She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."
8)
Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
Having sex in a single bed is out of the question.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
You watch the Weather Channel.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
Jeans and a hoodie no longer qualify as "dressed up."
You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
You don't know what time McDonalds closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
Eating a pack of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,rather than settle, your stomach.
You go to the chemist for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
A $9.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
"I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you!!! ;D ;D ;D
A few actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers .
Include your Children when Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?
A man walks in his room after work and is surprised to find his wife lying naked on the bed. After careful examination he spies a pair of bare feet sticking out from underneath the curtains. He rips open the blinds to find a naked man standing there.
'Who the hell are you?' he yells.
The naked guy replies 'I'm the moth inspector'
'Oh yeah! what are you doing naked?'
He looks down and exclaims 'Oh my god! I'm too late!'
:)
Big Louie the Torpedo was becoming increasingly curious about one of the newer members of his mob, Benny the Rod. Benny had been in the business for many years in another part of the country. During that time he had garnered quite a reputation for being the most conscientious and honorable hit man available. He was also considered quite eccentric, perhaps odd, in that for the last ten years or so he always kept one hand in his pocket - clutching his cold steel weapon in readiness (hence the nickname, Benny the Rod).
When Benny arrived at Louie's office, the question was put to him.
"So what's the story with you and this here gun of yours, eh? Like, are you scared or somethin' or you just want to always be ready or what?"
"Not scared ..." Benny growled, "been doin' it dis way ever since me sister-in-law's weddin' 'bout ten ten years ago now".
"Oh yeah? ... so ...?"
"Well, I used ta know her fiance at da time - a no good chisler. He never even loved the goil so much ... but he made her happy and so I kept me mouth shut about it", Benny explained.
Louie leaned in, expecting the point of the matter.
"And since dat time I gotta do it dis way".
"But WHY?!", Louie finally demanded?
"Well, I was at da wedding", grumbled Benny, and I wasn't about to say nuttin' about it then, so now I gotta do like da preacher said ...
"Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Piece!"
8)
At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunk with a ragged dirty look came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away.
They gave him a glass to drink. The old drunk tried it and said, "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."
"That's correct", said the boss. "Another glass, please."
"It's a Cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."
"Absolutely correct. A third glass."
"It's a Pinot Blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive," calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."
:o
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
I am not a believer in seances, but I went to one just to see what they are like.
The psychic was doing his thing and grinning from ear to ear.
I assumed his merriment was due to the fact that he was fooling a gullible public and gave him a punch in the nose.
You can probably guess the rest..................... I was arrested for striking a happy medium.
::)
Why God Created Eve
10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the Garden.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to
buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage out on the curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!
And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve...
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that."
:-\
I just met a skeleton who was trying tibia little humerus.
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she go and see Dr Chang, the well-known sex therapist.
So she went to see him and upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said, 'OK, take off all you crose.'
So she did.
Dr Chang then said, 'Ok now, crawl reery fass to the other side of the room.'
So she did.
Dr Chang then said, 'OK' now crawl reery fass to me,'
So she did.
Dr Chang slowly shook his head and said, 'Your problem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, that why you not haf sex or dates.'
Confused the woman asked, 'What is Ed Zachary Disease?'
Dr Chang replied, 'It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your arse 8)™
Alcohol warnings
The Australian Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a glass or ten of any alcoholic beverage.
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.
>:(
What do you call a cow who gives no milk?
A milk dud (or an udder failure).
::)
A blonde goes out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoohoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
Hugh came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him.
"What's the story this time. Hugh?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
Hugh sighed and said, "Everything went wrong this morning. The wife decided to drive me to the harbour. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the ferry didn't turn up. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, ran over the mountain, borrowed a bicycle and cycled the 20 miles through the glen to this office."
"You'll have to do better than that. Hugh," replied the boss, disappointed. "No woman can be ready in ten minutes."
:)
So this reporter checks in at some old hotel smack in middle of nowhere. Coming into the lobby, he is confronted with the strange sight of an old Indian, whittling stick, long black hair, reddish skin, sitting on one of the chairs as if he intends never to get up.
"That's Old Chief Forget-Me-Not," whispers the man behind the desk reverently, "he is allowed to stay here for free because he let me build my hotel on his reservation."
"Why the weird name?" whispers the reporter.
"Old Chief NEVER forgets anything that happened to him since he was two. Now he is 102. Fantastic memory."
Once the reporter has checked in, he decides to check out old Forget-Me-Not.
"Hey Chief!" he calls, "What'd you have for breakfast on the morning of your 21st birthday?"
"Eggs," replies the Chief without even looking up.
The reporter is so amazed, he jumps in his car and drives at least two hours over to where his other reporter friend is staying. Once telling the story over, both reporters jump in the car and drive right back two hours to the hotel, smelling a big scoop.
On the way, the second reporter tells the first: "Why don't you address the Chief more respectfully, so he'll demonstrate to us more?"
Following his friend's advice, the first reporter greets the Chief with a resounding "HOW!!"
"Scrambled," replies the Chief.
;D
The autopsy revealed Scrabble tiles A, E, I, O, and U in the victim's stomach.
Police suspect vowel play.
I meet a lot of strippers, and they always say the same thing: I'm paying my way through medical school. Now, if thats the truth, why is that you never meet a doctor that used to be a stripper? You'd think they'd be everywhere.
A local church built a new sanctuary. They moved their very fine old pipe organ from to the new sanctuary.
It was an intricate task that was completed successfully.
The local newspaper heralded . . . "St. Paul Completes Organ Transplant."
A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and then begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.
Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead. As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies.
One blonde genie says to the other one, "I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me."
8)
I don't approve of political jokes.
I've seen too many of them get elected.
8)
A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several weeks each year to his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Every summer, he would invite one friend or another to stay with him there for a week or two.
One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit him. The friend, happy to get anything free from a lawyer, eagerly agreed. When the time came, they spent a wonderful time, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors.
One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were picking raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they were approached by two huge bears--a male and a female.
The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.
Seeing this, the lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his high-powered rifle and raced back to the berry area with the lawyer. All the while, he was plagued by visions of lawsuit from his friend's family. He just had to save his friend.
Luckily, the bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male.
The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female.
"What did you do that for?!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would you believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"
::)
George was planning on going out with "The Boys" when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house.
George's Wife: "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt."
George: "But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all night!"
So after begging his old lady for an hour, George got the OK the go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze.
George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get shower-faced. After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chow all over his shirt.
George: "shower! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!"
Bill, George's best pal, gave drunk ass George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife.
Bill: "All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door. Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself, just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned."
So, when drunk ass George walked into the house with money in hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room.
Georges wife: "I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!"
George: "Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned."
His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills.
George's wife: "Is that so? Then where did the other 20 dollar bill come from?"
George: "Oh, That's from the guy who shower in my pants."
::)
There were over 60 unprovoked shark attacks last year. Unprovoked -- do we need that word in there? Are there people provoking shark attacks?
Is there some dick from Ocean Grove in the water: Hey shark, you freakin lookin at me? You got a problem or somethin? I got somethin for you to bite right here!
:-\
A dentist ran out of anesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled.
He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's butt when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction.
It all happened in an instant.
The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given, and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth.
Afterwards, the dentist asked, "Hurt much?"
The patient hesitated, "Didn't hardly feel it come out. And, man, those roots were really deep!"
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
A blonde, worried about the STD crisis, walks into a store and purchases a pack of condoms.
"That will be $5.08, please," says the clerk.
"What's the 8 cents for?" asks the blonde. "It says five dollars right here on the packaging."
"Tax," replies the clerk.
"Gee," says the blonde, "I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed put."
::)
The Top 10 Things To Do While Confined In A Space Station
Roll down the window and throw beer cans at passing satellites.
Play some rather boring games of Solitaire.
Try to bust that myth of Lays Potato Chips: Betcha Can't Eat Just One!
Come up with as many wacky Top 10 List Topics as possible so Top 10 Boy will have work to do into the New Year.
When the NASA camera is off, dance around to "Blue Jean" by David Bowie while wearing just your space helmet.
Do what everyone else does, write out all of your postcards..mail them when you get home.
Don't move, don't touch anything and if you break something, know that you will be blamed mercilessly for it and shunned by society to a Gulag in a remote part of Northern Siberia (Russian Space Station only).
Access www.spacebabes.com on NASA's computer instead of doing those meaningless space experiments.
Call Martian Escort Service..hope like hell they take American Express.
Watch All of Pauly Shore's movies...try to find examples of humor, plot and a reason for making it.
Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
"It's a boy!" I shouted, tears rolling down my face. "I don't believe it. A boy!"
It was at that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided to conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills (or lack thereof), he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man announced that he was there to apply for the bellringer's job.
The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man, "observe!"
He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, then told him he had the job. Dancing with joy, the armless man tripped and plunged from the belfry to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side.
When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face sure rings a bell."
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop resumed interviews for post of bellringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the twin brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. As you can see, I'm more blessed than he in that I have two strong arms, the better to strike the bells. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, but as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.
"What has happened?", the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?"
"I don't know his name," sighed the bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.
Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a Doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master! ... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!
:o
Hahaha ;D
A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?"
The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"
Finally, a way to know what to pitch and what to save!
THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).
EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.
MAYONNAISE
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.
FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
EXPIRATION DATES
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calender in your kitchen.
MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.
BREAD
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.
FLOUR
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
SALT
It never spoils.
CEREAL
It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.
LETTUCE
Iceberg lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without detergent spray. Cos lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.
CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.
CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
RAISINS
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.
EMPTY CONTAINERS
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.
UNMARKED ITEMS
You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a guinea pig. Keep a guinea pig in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.
One summer, the company that Morris worked for transferred him to another city. Morris was told that he had to take a new physical with the company doctor to continue to be employed.
All the tests came out fine, but the doctor remarked that Morris had the smallest penis he'd ever seen.
"Do you have any difficulties with it being so small?" the doctor asked.
"Not at all," Morris said. "I've got a wife, three kids, and we have a great sex life. But I must admit I do sometimes have a problem finding it in the daytime."
"What about at night?" the doctor asked.
"Nights are no problem," Morris said, "because at night, there are two of us looking for it!"
::)
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HORSE?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.
"ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHER BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town. The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go...what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought a pair and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered in to the kitchen and said to his wife, Margaret, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looked him over, "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off in to the bedroom, undressed and walked back in to the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert. What's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it will be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, "And do you know why it's hanging down?"
"Nope. Not a clue," she replied.
"It's hanging down, because it's looking at my new boots!"
And without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a new hat, Bert."
Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready.
The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc.
Joe looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got.
Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the professor's desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk. "What a ridiculous test!" he told the prof. "How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off I've ever seen!"
With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, "Wait a minute, young man, what's your name?"
Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, "You tell me, prof! You tell me!"
What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady.Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."
Here's my only thing with Harry Potter... They go to this school, and they take classes like Defense Against the Dark Arts and Potions and Divination, but they should be taking math also, right? Why are there no math teachers at Hogwarts? Or history, or geography? They're getting tested on Care of Magical Creatures -- never heard of the literacy and numeracy?.
Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
Wife: "In the pool."
A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives to be civilized and kind to each other when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both..
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."
:o
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer. It was made of grass.
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
I had amnesia once or twice.
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
Fan Footy Stock market report update...
Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Toilet Paper touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market
8)
A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?
"I know," said the Branch Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."
"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."
"Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."
::)
On a tropical island
On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:
Two Italian men and one Italian woman
Two French men and one French woman
Two German men and one German woman
Two Greek men and one Greek woman
Two English men and one English woman
Two Polish men and one Polish woman
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
Two American men and one American woman
Two Australian men and one Australian woman
Two New Zealand men and one New Zealand woman
Two Irish men and one Irish woman
One month later the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The two Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on doging about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving - but at least the taxes are low and it's not raining.
The two Japanese men have emailed Tokyo and are waiting for further instructions.
The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men after calling them both 'bloody White Goodmans'.
Both the New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.
The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few bottles of coconut whisky, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.
8)
A gynecologist who had lost interest in his medical practice decided to change careers and enrolled in auto mechanic school.
He performed well in the course but was still shocked when he got an off-the-chart 200 on his final exam. He asked the instructor to explain the grade.
"I gave you 50 points for taking the engine apart correctly," the teacher said, "50 points for putting it back together correctly -- and an extra 100 points for doing it all through the muffler."
???
“Wounds heal better if they are covered. This is an example of gauze and effect.â€
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words That every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in Touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just Love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new Shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!"
I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
;D
A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a basketball player. They start to talk, and eventually, go back to his place. They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.
"What's that?" the lady questions.
"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."
Then the man takes off his pants, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.
"What's that?" the lady questions again.
"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."
Then the man drops his underwear and on his willy he has a tattoo that says AIDS.
"You didn't tell me you had AIDS!" the lady screams.
"No, no! Calm down," the man replies. "This will say ADIDAS in a minute."
Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Brisbane, arrived in Melbourne. In an airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver, "Say, is this really a healthful place?"
"It sure is," the cabby replied. "When I arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said the tourist, "How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."
;D
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."
8)
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives.
Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm flowered."
There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No you are NOT flowered. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living shower out of the chief.
As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, God's voice booms out again: "Okay . . . NOW you're flowered."
;D Hope the filter worked :o
A woman rushes into the foyer of a large hotel and sprints up to reception, she hammers on the bell.
Â'Yes,Â' says the receptionist irritably.
Â'Excuse me,Â' says the woman, Â'but IÂ'm in a frightful hurry, could you check me out, please?Â'
The clerk stares at her, looks her up and down.Â' Not bad,Â' he smiles, Â'not bad at all.Â'
???
When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child.
The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:
"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"
One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"
::)
A factory worker at a factory that made hammers, screwdrivers and other small tools, was seen taking the trash through the front door in a wheelbarrow. The security guard stopped him and informed the employee that he would have to examine the trash to be sure there were nothing being smuggled out of the factory. The employee didn't object and the guard proceeded to searched the trash. He did not find anything unusual and let the employee continue.
The next day, the employee again took the trash out with a wheelbarrow. As expected, the guard insisted upon searching the trash, but still found nothing unusual. This continued for a month and the security guard was becoming extremely suspicious.
One day, he decided he would confront the employee. When the employee brought out the trash, the guard said, "I know you are taking something from here but I just can't find it. You had better confess now or else!"
The employee decided there was no way out and he said, "You know all the times I have taken out the trash and you searched it and found nothing?"
"Yes..." replied the guard, eager for an answer.
The employee continued, "Well so far I have taken 30 wheelbarrows."
8)
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."
;D
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"
:o
Sister Margaret was a model nun all of her life, until she was called to get her just rewards. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said "Hold on, Sister Margaret...not so fast!"
"But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath... I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.
"That is precisely the problem," replied St. Peter, "...you never learned right from wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong".
"Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!" Sister Margaret pleaded.
"I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there, I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished. We will discuss your situation then." ordered St. Peter.
Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking. "Saint Peter" she gasped, "I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up".
"Good!" replied the old saint, "Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me back when you are ready."
Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after taking several belts of Jack Daniels.
"Saint Peter, I feel woozy... that vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me...it is all I can do to keep it down."
"Good...good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong," said St. Peter with delight.
"Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense, and then call me."
A week passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message:
"Yo, Pete...it's Peggy...It's gonna be a while!"
;D
Dear Abby Admitted She Was At A Loss To Answer The Following!
Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my TV?
Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $90.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.
Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
Remember these people can vote, which probably explains the current situation in America
8)
A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's a little too well-endowed. In fact, it's 25 inches long and he can't get any women to have sex with him.
Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help.
The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."
Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Frog, will you marry me?"
The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."
The guy looks down and sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?"
The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"
Zappo! -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Frog, will you marry me?"
The irritated frog yells back, "Look..how many times do I have to tell you? No, No, NO!"
:-\ :'(
Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger.
He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure.
I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know."
He stared telling his story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long."
But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long."
But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all."
I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.
::)
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."
"Three?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"Oh no," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates interrupted, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"Well it....no, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was having an affair with his wife.
8)
The Dog.. :o
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.
- Unknown
Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
- Unknown
Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies.
- Gene Hill
In dog years, I'm dead.
- Unknown
To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.
- Aldous Huxley
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
- Robert Benchley
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
- Sue Murphy
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
- August Strindberg
No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.
- Fran Lebowitz
Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
- Anne Tyler
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
- Rita Rudner
My dog is worried about the economy because his food is up to 99 cents a can.
That's almost $7.00 in dog money.
- Joe Weinstein
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
- James Thurber
You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets.
- Nora Ephron
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
- Ann Landers
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
- Robert A. Heinlein
In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!
- Dr. Tom Cat
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
- Ben Williams
When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
- Edward Abbey
Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
- Unknown
Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.
- Unknown
No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.
- Christopher Morley
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
- Josh Billings
Man is a dog's idea of what God should be.
- Holbrook Jackson
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person
.- Andrew A. Rooney
He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
- Unknown
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
- Mark Twain
Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.
- Smiley Blanton
I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.
- John Steinbeck
You gotta luv the Dawg 8)
The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack.
"Please dear, I need help." she said.
The husband ran off saying "I'll go get some help."
A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green.
His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I'm may be dying and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he come and help."
"The second hole??? When in the hell is he coming???"
"Hey! I told ya not to worry." he said, practice stroking his putt.
"Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."
8)
Friendship between women: A woman doesn’t come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.
Friendship between men: A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.
;D
“The deer grabbed the gun and gave the hunter a taste of his own venison.â€
:)
The Laws Of Ultimate Reality Part 1.
Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
Law of Gravity:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
The Law of probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone and someone always answers.
The Laws Of Ultimate Reality Part 2.
Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Bio-mechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
hahaha those laws are spot on :P
The Laws Of Ultimate Reality Part 3.
The Coffee Law:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces:
The chances of an open-faced vegemite sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law of Physical Appearance:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
TDog's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctors' Law:
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.
They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."
The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."
The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."
Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?
"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."
;D ;D
The Top Ten Signs That Your Co-worker Is A Computer Hacker
10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.
9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.
8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.
5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"
4. Massive Superannuation contribution made in half-cent increments.
3. Online dating site profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons
2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."
1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."
::)
Saw a great product advertised -- it was a hearing aid made to look like a Bluetooth headset. Its for people who are embarrassed about wearing a hearing aid but not about wearing a Bluetooth headset.
I tried to join the Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting last night but all the seats were taken.
An Anagram, as you know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Done by people with way too much time on their hands.
Dormitory: Dirty Room
Evangelist: Evil's Agent
Desperation: A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code: Here Come Dots
Slot Machines: Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity: Is No Amity
Mother-in-law: Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms: Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness: Genuine Class
Semolina: Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries: Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point: I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes: That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two: Twelve plus one
Contradiction: Accord not in it
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat... As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston"
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
::)
Questions to ponder.... 8)
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
Why are hemorrhoids called 'hemorrhoids' instead of 'asteroids'?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
And my favorite.....Can you imagine a world with no hypothetical situations?
::)
A Horoscope For The Workplace
Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on TV. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out…
MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study at Uni, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as “marketing without a degree,†you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with “customers†so you can †concentrate on the big picture.†You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the heck can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth.
ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest “ergodynamic†gadgets.
ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter!
MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/â€TEAM LEADSâ€: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other “Middle Managers,†as everyone in your social circle is a “Middle Manager.â€
SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other “Senior Managers,†as everyone in your social circle is a “Senior Manager.â€
CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play “Customer Service.†Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to date your boss.
8)
A couple were sitting together watching TV. During a commercial the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"
After a long thoughtful silence, the wife replied during the next commercial, "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we even got a Christmas card from them last year."
A man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.
"What for?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."
The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."
8)
Hate Your Job?
Try this...
On your way home from work, stop at a chemist and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure to get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, close the blinds and take the phone off the hook so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.
Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement....
"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested."
;D
The big shot CEO was in the waiting room of the maternity ward of the hospital.
Unlike the other fathers who paced the floor nervously, he sat poring over papers and checking his laptop computer constantly. After several hours, the nurse interrupted his work. "It's a boy, Sir!" she said.
"Well," snapped the CEO, without looking up, "find out what he wants."
8)
The authorities in America conducted a survey to ascertain why they did not receive many emergency calls from blondes.
After exhaustive studies the answer is "They can find the nine but cannot find the eleven"
Oxymorons
47. Act naturally
46. Found missing
45. Resident alien
44. Advanced BASIC
43. Genuine imitation
42. Airline Food
41. Good grief
40. Same difference
39. Almost exactly
38. Government organization
37. Sanitary landfill
36. Alone together
35. Legally drunk
34. Silent scream
33. American history
32. Living dead
31. Small crowd
30. Business ethics
29. Soft rock
28. Butt Head
27. Military Intelligence
26. Software documentation
25. New York culture
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. 'Now, then ...'
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
09. Political science
08. Tight slacks
07. Definite maybe
06. Pretty ugly
05. Twelve-ounce pound cake
04. Diet ice cream
03. Working vacation
02. Exact estimate
And the Number one top OXY-Moron
01. Microsoft Works
Special T Dog mention to "Butt Head" though 8)
Checking the menu, at a restaurant I ordered a bowl of vegetable soup.
After a couple of spoonfuls, I saw a circle of wetness right under the bowl on the table cloth.
I called the waitress over and said, "It's all wet down here. The bowl must be cracked."
The waitress said, "You ordered vegetable soup, didn't you?"
"Yes."
"Well, maybe it has a leek in it!"
:o
According to the Knight Rider News Service, the inscription on the metalbands used by the US Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed.
The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated as "Wash. Biol. Surv."; until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
Dear Sirs:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and want to tell you it tasted horrible.
The bands are now marked "Fish & Wildlife Service."
;D ;D think about it ;D ;D
One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, odd looking fish. A man was walking by and said, "Wow! What a nice Gauddam Fish!" The sister said, "Sir, you shouldn't use lords name in vain." The man said, "But that's the species of the fish a "Gauddam" Fish." The sister said, "Oh, in that case, it's okay." The Sister took the fish back home and said, "Mother Superior, look at the Gauddam Fish I caught." Shocked, the Mother Superior said, "Sister, you know better than that." The nun said, "That's the name of it's species - a Gauddam Fish." So, the Mother Superior said, "Well, give me that Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it." While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother Superior said, "Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister caught." Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, "Mother Superior, you shouldn't talk like that!" Mother Superior said, "But that's the species of it - a Gauddam Fish." Monsignor said, "Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll cook it." That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said, "Wow, what a nice fish." In reply, the sister said, "Thank you, I caught the Gauddam Fish." And Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the Gauddam Fish." And Monsignor said, "I cooked the Gauddam Fish." The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said, "I'm starting to like this flowering place!"
;D
One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.
Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
Bubba, where'd you git that truck?!?"
Tammie give it to me" Bubba replied.
"She give it to ya?
I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a New truck?"
"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened.
We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres. Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,'Bubba, take whatever you want.' So I took the truck! "
"Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"
::)
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Signs You Have a Hangover
1. You'd rather have a pencil driven through your retina than be exposed to sunlight.
2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still."
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
4. You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.
5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
6. You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
8. All day long your motto is, "Never again."
9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
10. Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut the flower up!"
8)
Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.
"Hey, wait a minute!" Joe interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."
:)
A Russian party-official arrives late at night to his hotel (in Russia). He is not surprised to find that his reservation has been mislaid but he is more than a little peeved that his status in the party isn't enough to get him a good room anyway. However, the clerk insists, the only bed they have left is the fourth bunk in a 4-bed dorm - he'll have to make do with that. The Russian grumbles but eventually he picks up his suitcase and heads for the dorm. On his way, he meets a chamber-maid and thinking he might as well try to make friends with his room-mates, he asks her to bring them four cups of tea.
As he enters the dorm, he finds that the other three guests are Polish, they are having a fairly wild party and they're very drunk. They also ignore him totally from the moment he enters. After sitting there for several minutes, he realizes he can't stand them anymore and decides to pull a joke on them. He stands up, grasps a floor lamp and speaking into the light-bulb as if it were a microphone he says: "Comrade Colonel, we would like four cups of tea to our room immediately!"
The Poles stare at him in disbelief, which turns to horror as the chamber-maid knocks on the door and delivers the tea a few minutes later. In about 30 seconds the Poles have all packed their bags and fled the hotel. Our Russian gets the entire room to himself. He sleeps very soundly.
The next morning, however, as he's checking out and is about to leave, the desk-clerk calls after him:
"By the way, Sir, the Comrade Colonel said to tell you he appreciated your little joke last night!"
What do you get if you cross a bullet and a tree with no leaves?
A cartridge in a bare tree.
::)
When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says: "If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER."
I thought about it for a moment and dialed the number. When they answered I said, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"
:o
I was recently on holiday in Sydney when I observed a pretty bad car crash between two police cars.
The officers were standing around, looking at the damage and they both had a confused look on their faces.
I figured that they were trying to figure out what to do because who were they supposed to call, the police?
???
Closer Than You Think!
An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).
After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day. Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed.
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly.
After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pick-up truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.
Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!"
After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, "Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!"
Moral of this story:
1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
2. If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.
3. Since you got this story via e-mail, you're probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.
4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.
“Labyrinths are amazing.â€
:o
A little boy was sitting outside a store eating one snickers bar after another, when an older man walked up and said: "You shouldn't be eating so much chocolate, it'll rot your teeth, it's just bad for you to eat so much chocolate."
The little boy looked up and said: "My grandfather lived to be 95 years old."
The older man asked: "Oh? by eating snickers bars?"
The little boy said: "No... by minding his own business."
:)
Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer
Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your mum?"
Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"
After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a slab of beer and some chips.
If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
8)
Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce. "OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce."
"Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I'd end up making love to her by mistake."
"Surely there must be some difference between the two women." the judge said.
"You'd better believe there is a difference, your honor. That's why I want the divorce." he replied.
::)
A married couple is driving down the freeway doing 95 kph. The husband is behind the wheel.
His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 100 kph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 110 kph.
She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 120 kph.
She says, "I want the car, the bank account, and all the credit cards too."
The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here."
She asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 130 kph, "I've got the airbag!"
:o
Two Aliens land in Melbourne, next to a Petrol station. The Aliens waddle out of their ship and look around. The first thing they see that resembles a being is the Petrol pump. The two Aliens approach.
The first one says, "Earthling take me to your leader!" He gets no response.
The first Alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again, "Earthling, I said Take me to your leader!" Still no response.
The first Alien then turns to the second and says, "If this Earthling doesn't show me some respect I'm going to blast him!"
The second Alien replies, "O.K. but, I'm just going to stand down on the next block."
The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses pump a third time,"Earthling take me to your leader!" No response.
The Alien then pulls out his ray-gun and shoots the pump...
After the explosion the Alien gets up, dusts himself off then goes down the block to his buddy.He then says to the second Alien, "If you knew that was going to happen why didn't you warn me?"
The second replies, "I didn't know what was going to happen, but I'm not going to mess with anyone who can hang his penis to the ground, wrap it around his body twice, and can still stick it in his ear!"
8)
A friend and I were golfing one day when at the 18th hole this guy comes out of nowhere and asks if he could join us. I tell him, "Well, we're just about done but if you want to join us tomorrow you can. We start at 8 o'clock."
He said, "Great! I'll be here at 8 o'clock, maybe 8:05..."
So next day he shows up at 8 o'clock and plays scratch golf; he was good. We were going to play again the next day and we invited him to join us. He said, "Great! I'll be here at 8 o'clock, maybe 8:05..."
So the next day he shows up at 8 o'clock, plays with his opposite hand, and shoots under par! I'm a bit amazed with this guy so I ask him, "You're a pretty good golfer, beating us with scratch golf and then showing-off by playing just as good with your opposite hand. Just what is you secret?"
He said, "Well...when I wake up in the morning and my wife is lying on her left side, I play left-handed. Or when I wake up in the morning and my wife is laying on her right side, I play right-handed."
So I ask, "what if she is laying on her back?"
"That's when I get here at 8:05."
8)
A sheik employed a track star to run from the palace to his harem, which was about three miles away, to fetch one of his wives whenever he was in the mood. The sheik would nod and the track star would take off.
This event usually took place about three times a day until the runner died at age 36. The sheik lived to be 96.
The moral of the story is, "Sex doesn't kill you. It's the running after it that does."
8)
A very drunk gent checked into a hotel late one Saturday night.
He awoke very ill and summoned a bellboy to fetch him a bottle of whiskey and a Sunday newspaper.
The bellhop was gone a long time.
When he returned, the drunk remarked, "It must be hard to buy a bottle in this town on Sunday."
"There was no trouble with the whiskey," replied the bellboy, "but it's tough finding a Sunday paper on Tuesday."
A married couple was watching volleyball game at a beach when the wife spotted a couple in the bleachers. They were being very affectionate.
The girl was running her hands all over the boyfriend and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her chest.
Looking at them, the wife said to her husband "I don't know whether to watch them or the game."
Husband said, "Better watch them! You already know how to play volleyball."
In an effort to clarify questions about the purported durability and unusual physical characteristics of Twinkies, we subjected the Hostess snack logs to the following experiments:
Exposure
A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for 4 days, during which time an inch and a half of rain fell. Many flies were observed crawling across the Twinkie's surface, but contrary to hypothesis, birds, even pigeons, avoided this potential source of substance. Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie retained its original color and form. When removed, the Twinkie was found to be substantially dehydrated. Cracked open, it was observed to have taken on the consistency of industrial foam insulation; the filling however, retained its advertised "creaminess"
Radiation
A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which was set for precisely 4 minutes - the approximate cooking time of bacon. After 20 seconds, the oven began to emit the Twinkie's rich, characteristic aroma of artificial butter. After one minute, this aroma began to resemble the acrid smell of burning rubber. The experiment was aborted after 2 minutes 10 seconds when thick, foul smoke began billowing from the top of the oven. A second Twinkie was subjected to the same experiment; this Twinkie leaked molten white filling. When cooled, this now epoxylike filling bonded the Twinkie to its plate, defying gravity: it was removed only upon application of a butter knife.
Extreme Force
A Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor window, a fall of approximately 120 feet. It landed right side up, then bounced onto its back. The expected "splatter" effect was not observed. Indeed, the only discernible damage to the Twinkie was a narrow fissure on its underside; otherwise, the Twinkie remained structurally intact.
Extreme Cold
A Twinkie was placed in a conventional freezer for 24 hours. Upon removal, the Twinkie was not found to be frozen solid, but its physical properties had noticeably "slowed". The filling was found to be the approximate consistency of acrylic paint, while exhibiting the mercurylike property of not adhering to practically any surface. It was noticed the Twinkie had generously absorbed the freezer odors.
Extreme Heat
A Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2 minutes. While the Twinkie smoked and blackened and the filling in one of its "cream holes" boiled, the Twinkie did not catch fire. It did, however produce the same "burning rubber" aroma noticed in the irradiation experiment.
Immersion
A Twinkie was dropped into a large bucket filled with water, the Twinkie floated momentarily, then began to list and sink. Viscous yellow tendrils ran off its lower half, possibly consisting of a water-soluble artificial coloring. After 2 hours, the Twinkie bloated substantially. Its coloring was now a very pale tan - in contrast to the yellow, urine-like water that surrounded it. The Twinkie bobbed when touched, and had a gelatinous texture. After 72 hours, the Twinkie had increased roughly 200 percent of its original size. The water had turned opaque, and a small, fan-shaped spray of filling had leaked from one of the "cream holes". Unfortunately, efforts to remove the Twinkie for further analysis were abandoned when, under light pressure the Twinkie disintegrated into an amorphous cloud of debris. A distinctly sour odor was noted.
Summary of Results
The Twinkie's survival of a 120-foot drop, along with some of the unusual phenomena associated with the "creamy filling" and artificial coloring, should give pause to those observers who would unequivocally categorize the Twinkie as "food". Further clinical inquiry is required before any definite conclusions can be drawn.
8)
“Arranging Goliath's funeral was a giant undertaking.â€
8)
Just so you may be aware when dealing with me.
(https://i.gyazo.com/0ab7a0260d63b3862f1cb9221f38661b.png)
Last night I rang a married friend and he told me, he was working on Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics under constrained environment....
I was impressed...
On further probing, I learnt that he is washing dishes with hot water ...
Under his wife's supervision...!!
::)
“Now that they allow us to wear jeans at the office everyday, I am no longer a slacker.â€
8)
If Apple made a car, would it have Windows? ???
A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.
"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"
"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."
He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."
Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."
"Give me the No Name," she says.
She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."
"Why?" he asks.
"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap off anybody!"
::)
Things that are difficult to say when drunk:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
Things that are very difficult to say when drunk:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
Things that are downright impossible to say when drunk:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you 're not really my type.
4. Maccas? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now , as I have to work in the morning.
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"Guts" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"Balls," is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the bum and having the balls to say, "You're next, fatty!"
Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided they needed to spice up their love lives.
All three agreed to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes that evening with their respective lovers.
After a few days they meet up for lunch and compared notes.
The engaged woman: "The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long."
The mistress: "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night."
The married woman: "I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night when my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'"
8)
A mall manager has three spaces to rent, all in a row. A prospective lessee shows up and says he wants to rent the space on the left for a men's wear shop.
"That's fine," the mall manager says. "You get free signage; what do you want on the sign?"
"Men's Wear," says the man.
A second guy comes along and asks to rent the right hand space for his gentleman's formal wear business. When asked he says he wants "Men's Wear" on his sign. The mall manager tells him that the left hand shop will have the same sign. "No problem," says the man.
Finally a third man comes along to rent the middle space. The manager is somewhat concerned because this guy also has a men's wear shop. Warily the manager asks the third man what he wants on his sign.
The guy replies: "Entrance."
After a round of golf, four ladies sat around the club house, chatting.
Seeing the ladies, the Pro approached them and asked: "How did your game go?
The first lady, a brunette, said she had a good round ... making the comment that she actually had 25 riders. The Pro was a bit perplexed not knowing what a "Rider" was.
The second was a blonde lady who quickly chimed in and said that she had a very good round as well with 16 riders.
The third lady then said that her round was average and that she only had 10 riders.
The fourth lady admitted that she played the worst round of the day and that she only had 2 riders all day long.
The Pro was completely confused not knowing what the term "rider" meant. But, because he didn't want to look dumb, he made a quick polite remark, wished the ladies well and then left.
He then approached the bartender and asked "Hey, can you tell me what these ladies are talking about when they refer to "Riders"?"
The bartender simply smiled and said..."A 'Rider" is when you hit a shot long enough to ride on the golf cart to your ball.
Q: What do you call a bunch of rabbits in a row all hopping backwards?
A: A receding hare line
:-\
A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated."
The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table."
The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the Butt with a baseball bat, CRACK... and then sends him into the bathroom.
He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do to prevent constipation ?"
The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."
::)
I am no Tdog but seeing there has been no action here for a while thought I would share this
" A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly at a recently married couple’s house. She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch totally naked.
“What are you doing?!†she asked.
“I’m waiting for Jeff to come home from work,†the daughter-in-law answered.
“But you’re naked!†the mother-in-law exclaimed.
“This is my love dress,†the daughter-in-law explained.
“Love dress? You’re naked!â€
“Jeff loves when I wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy.â€
On the way home, the mother-in-law thought about the love dress. When she got home, she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.
“What are you doing?†he asked.
“This is my love dress,†she replied.
“Needs ironing,†he said. “What’s for dinner?â€
"If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month."
needs ironing ;D ;D
A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too." -
"A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"
His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
High School teacher.
A mother and her young son were flying Qantas Airlines from Melbourne to Perth.
The little boy, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'
The busy flight attendant smiled and said, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me?'
The boy said, 'Why yes she did.'
"Well then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Qantas always pulls out on time. Now go back and ask her to explain that to you"?
Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
A man applying for a job at a Mildura Lemon Orchard seemed to be far too qualified for the job.
The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
He replied: "I've been divorced three times, bought a Leyland P76, a Beta video player and took up all the Telstra floats. Voted for the State Labor Party. hen I voted for Kevin Rudd and Julia Gillard."
"How am I doing so far?"
(https://i.gyazo.com/c5ac0efac9b52714f3f3fad8bc30e16f.png)
What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer?
They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.
A priest offered a Nun a lift
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologised 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Seeing this thread has been quiet thought I would another one for today
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet.
I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know .
Think about it if you do not get it.
What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.50 and deer nuts are under a buck.
An old man 89 years of age, was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Ron replied, "That would be my wife."
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.
An elderly couple are in church.
The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?"
The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronising smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "What do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what?"
"A rectum stretcher"
"And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot as*hole?" he asked
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge."
Love this one from the election aftermath.
For those that do not know Joe Biden is the vice president.
(https://i.gyazo.com/b7042c41ac1c6f5ea61ac3a9b692e1b0.png)
A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front ofher home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.
Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man.
"Hi there, little girl. I'm Donald Trump. What do you have in the basket?" he asked.
"Kittens," little Suzy said.
"How old are they?" asked Trump.
Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."
"And what kind of kittens are they?"
"Republicans," answered Suzy with a smile.
Trump was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.
Recognising the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that Trump should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.
So, the next day Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS, FOX, and CNN.
Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Trump got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.
"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."
"Yes, sir," Suzy said. "They're Democrats."
Taken by surprise, Trump stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me they were REPUBLICANS."
Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open."
Q. What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
A. Virgin Mobile.
Deer Sur,
I waunt to apply for the secritary job I seen in the Paper. I can type real kwik wit one finggar and do Sum Acounting 2.
I think I am good on the fone and I am a people Person.Pepole really seam to respond goodly to me.
I'm lookin for a jobb as a secritary but it Kant be 2 Complikaited
My spelling is not 2 good but find that I awfin get a Job Bcuz of my persinalety..
My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want To pay me and wat you think that I am wurth, I can start imeditely.
Thank you in advanse 4 yore Anser.
Hopifuly I M Yore best aplicant so phar.
Sinseerly,
Peggy May McBiggins
PS : I half includeded a pickture of me.
Dear Peggy May:
Start on Monday, we have spell check.
I've just finalsied the sale of my homing pigeons on Ebay for the 22nd time.
Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.'
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
Husband: Oh, come on.
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Husband: Because I'm hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please...go on.
Wife: All right, I'll do it.
Husband: What's the matter? You need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it in the dark.
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: Yeah! that's good.
Wife:Right! Now go to sleep.
And the next time you want the bloody window open, do it yourself.
A redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was having a baby.
Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said to him, "Congratulations, your wife has had quadruplets, four big baby boys."
The redneck said, "I'm not surprised.
I have a penis the size of a chimney."
The nurse replied, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned.
They're all black."
How to be Insulting at Christmas:
Refuse to give any guests a drink, on the grounds that it's for their own good not to drink and drive. Have plenty of soft drinks to offer them though.
Then pour yourself a large Scotch, on the grounds that you aren't going anywhere and don't have to worry.
Farmer recently spent $1500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. The farmer put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.
Farmer was beginning to think that he had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyhow, he had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows!
He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbour's cows!
He's like a machine! don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him .........
but they kind of taste like peppermint!
There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.
Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds.
After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less.
Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up.
The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.
A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show.
The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says 'I have had a lovely time.
You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful climbing rose. May I call on you tomorrow?'
She agrees and a date is made.
The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face.
He is stunned. 'What was that for?' he asked.
She said I looked up "beautiful climbing rose" on Google last night and it said "Best suited for rooting against a brick wall or fence, no good in an open bed."
Love this one:
(https://i.gyazo.com/37c6ac08d65122de4ade086c5636c402.png)
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
How to answer exam questions when you do not know anything!!
(https://i.gyazo.com/c4cff712075a3691fa55988a31b7b21b.png)
Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble.
One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred.
Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business."
Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes." -
Q: How do astronomers organize a party?
A: They planet.
A boy is selling fish on a corner.
To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!"
A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'"
The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam."
The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.
The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way."
He explains to her why they are dam fish.
Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish.
He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes -
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500.
The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram."
She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.
Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable."
Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?"
The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'" -
Q: Why did Captain Kirk go in to the ladies room?
A: Because he wanted to go where no man had gone before.
A drunk walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck.
The bartender says, "You can stay but don't try to start anything."
How is Christmas like your job?
You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
I bought a boomerang off a ghost the other day...that will come back to haunt me.
Couple of Dad Jokes:
1. Been offered 8 legs of venison for $40.
Is that two dear?
2. I want a job cleaning mirrors.
It's something I could really see myself doing!
3. I hate elevators so much, I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly… and for the same reason.
Let the Christmas season jokes start:
(https://i.gyazo.com/d0e81d7b3a6166a84f59e37a57898202.png)
Dear Santa
Please give me a big fat bank account and a slim body. And please don't mix these up like you did last year.
A little kids sends a letter to Santa that says: "Dear Santa I want a brother for Christmas."
Santa writes back, "Dear Timmy send me me your mommy."
A Story is told of Albert Einstein.
One day a man was traveling on a flight seated next to the wise old man.
Einstein said, "This is going to be a long trip, why don't we play a game. I'll ask you a question and if you cannot give me the answer, you pay me $50.
The Man declined, "That's not fair, you're one of the greatest minds in the world."
"Tell you what," said Einstein, "You can then ask me a question, and if I can't answer, I'll give you $500."
The man agrees and so Einstein begins, with an impossible question. Without even blinking, the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out $50 and hands it to Einstein.
"My turn," says the man, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes done with four?"
Einstein thinks for a while and then in resignation hands over $500.
"Ok," says Einstein, "What does goes up a hill, with three legs and comes done with four?"
The remains silent, reaches into his pocket and pulls out another $50 and hands it to Einstein.
Q: Why is Santa Claus' sack so big?
A: He only comes once a year.
Quote from: Ringo on December 21, 2016, 01:44:54 PM
Q: Why is Santa Claus' sack so big?
A: He only comes once a year.
it's a wonder why he's so jolly this time'a year
The ultimate joke for shopping centres:
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Apologies if this one offends but a final Holiday Period joke slightly crude.
It was Christmas Eve.
A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping.
Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg.
"What is that?" he asked.
She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'"
Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?"
"Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!" -
Get in the festive spirit with these 10 classic, corny Christmas jokes.
Why are Christmas trees so bad at knitting?
A: They have too many needles
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A: Ice crispies
What happens if you eat Christmas decorations?
A: You get tinsel-it is
What do elves learn in school?
A: The elf-abet
What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A: A Christmas quacker
What do grapes sing at Christmas?
A: 'Tis the season to be jelly
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
A: The Christmas alphabet has noel
What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?
A: A cookie sheet
What's red and white, red and white, red and white?
A: Santa Claus rolling down the hill
Why did Santa Claus get a parking ticket on Christmas Eve?
A: He left his sleigh in a snow parking zone
Just when you thought puns could not get any worse
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A man and a woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.
“When we were to be married,†she said, “my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
“Honey,†he said “that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?â€
“Oh, that?†she said. “That’s the money I made from selling the dolls.â€
It's all about " grammar and punctuation " .....
Once there were 3 sisters - Ann, Jan and F*nny. All 3 had big feet.
Ann was a size 9, Jan was a size 10 and F*nny was a size 13.
Ann and Jan went on a double date.
Amazed, one of the boys said, - "God, you two have big feet."
Ann replied, "You think they're big, you should see our F*nny's,
I called an old Fan Footy friend "Grazz" and asked what was he doing.
He replied that he is working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment".
I was impressed!!
On further enquiring I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water, under "Karen's" supervision.
Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For $5.00 I'll have s*x with you right over there in that rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.
The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."
The old lady still says nothing but, after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse, she pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.
"Get serious" she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair!"
Do you fart in bed ? If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you.
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husbands habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out.
Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, Honey you were right all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.
What do you mean? asked his wife.
Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in..
hahaha very good :P
A man goes into a doctor's office feeling a little ill.
The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth..'
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320. Then he gets the full house and wins $5000.
Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too. Getting $780,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, 'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card.
You must be the luckiest barbie on Earth!' 'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky?
I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24'. 'Dang me,' says the bingo caller.
'You've won the meat raffle as well !!
I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few Seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, my wife Vicki is watching from the kitchen window, Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yelled to me, 'You need a piece of tail.'
I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back, 'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.
I saw a chap with a bumper sticker saying: "I am a veterinary surgeon, therefore I drive like an animal."
Suddenly I realised how many gynaecologists and proctologists there are on the roads.
Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"
"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles.
Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.
"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."
"Nah, we don't like that British cr*p," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."
"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.
"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
Very Funny Golfing Joke.
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.â€
He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole.â€
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse, where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a saleswoman and played the course often.
He approached her and said, “Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I’m in sales, also. What do you sell?â€
She replied, “If I tell you, you’ll laugh.â€
“No, I won’t.â€
“Well, if you must know,†she answered, “I work for Tampax.â€
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said, “See? I knew you would laugh.â€
“That’s not what I’m laughing at,†he replied. “I’m a salesman for Preparation H. So I’m still a hole behind you!â€
After 100 years lying on the seabed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesias, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad , what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife
My wife Andrea found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears.
He cleaned both ears and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacy and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for at least a week."
Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to death on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.
"Okay class, now, I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off." said the teacher.
"Who is credited with writing the phrase, 'To be or not to be, that is the question?'," asked the teacher.
Little Pham Nguyen at the front of the class called out, 'Shakespeare.'
'Well done!,' said the teacher, 'You can have Monday off."
'No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard.' said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.
'Well okay,' said the teacher, 'The next quote is, "I had a dream!"
Little Fy Sum Kat also at the front yelled out, "I believe it was Martin Luther King!"
"Well done!" said the teacher, 'You can have Monday off."
"No thank you miss. I am of Chinese origin and we also do not take time off school. Education is everything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too," said little Fy Sum Kat.
'Okay,' said the teacher.
Then, she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, "flowering Immigrants!"
"Who said that?" yelled the teacher in an angry tone.
Little Johnny yelled, "Donald Trump! See ya on Tuesday!!!!"
A few Student answers :D
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One day, in line at the cafeteria, Bob says to Stanley, “My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I’d better see a doctor.â€
“Listen, Bob, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,†Stan replies. “There’s a diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars… a lot cheaper than a doctor.â€
So, Bob fills a small jar with his urine and takes it to Walmart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Here is a doctor’s certificate for your employer.â€
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a urine sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and some water out of his favorite fishing hole, just for good measure.
He then went back to Walmart, eager to test the computer. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and waits.
In ten seconds the computer prints the following: “1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant â€" twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don’t stop fishing, your elbow will never get better.
And, as always… Thank you for shopping at Walmart
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'
'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'
'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'
'Nope, just when it's raining.
On the first day at the new senior complex, the manager addressed all the new seniors pointing out some of the rules:
"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"
" A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign hanging in the entrance, which says “FREE BEER FOR WHOEVER CAN PASS THE TEST!â€
So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.
The bartender replies, “Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila â€" the whole thing at once â€" and you can’t make a face while doing it. Second, there’s a ‘gator out back with a sore tooth… you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there’s a woman upstairs who’s never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.â€
The guy says, “Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won’t do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.â€
But as time passes and the man drinks a few, he asks, “Wherez zat teqeelah?â€
He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands and downs it with big slurps, tears streaming down his face.
Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.
The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. “Now,†he groans, “where’s that woman with the sore tooth?â€ï»¿
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, “This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say ‘1-2-3.’ When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.â€
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, “How do I stop the medicine from working?â€
“Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,'†the medicine man responded, “but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.â€
The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, “1-2-3!â€
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked, “What was the 1-2-3 for?â€
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
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Why did I get divorced?
Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday.
As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment.
We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said.
She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.
A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work â€" not aware that her 9-year-old son is hiding in the closet.
Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
“Dark in here,†the boy whispers.
“Yes, it is,†the man replies awkwardly.
“I have a baseball. Want to buy it?â€
“No, thanks.â€
“My dad’s outside.â€
“Okay, how much?â€
“$250.â€
A few weeks later, the same thing happens, and the boy and the mom’s lover find themselves in the closet together.
“Dark in here.â€
“Yes, it is.â€
“I have a baseball glove. Want to buy it?â€
“No, thanks.â€
“I’ll tell.â€
“How much?â€
“$750.â€
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!â€
“I can’t,†the boy replies. “I sold them.â€
“How much did you sell them for?†the dad asks.
“$1,000,†the boy proudly announces.
“That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that,†the father says, shocked. “That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.â€
At church that Sunday, the father alerts the priest, makes his child sit in the confession booth, and closes the door.
“Dark in here,†the boy says.
The priest replies, “Don’t start that sh*t again.â€
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the sheerer, the higher the price.
Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron the damn thing!'
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin
A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, "Which book has helped you most in your life?"
She replied, "My husband's cheque book."
A prospective husband in a book-store enquired, "Do you have a book called, "Husband the Master of the House"?
The sales-girl promptly replied, "Yes sir, 'Fiction' and 'Humour' are on the 1st floor."
Someone asked an old man, "Even after 70 years, you still call your wife 'Darling', 'Honey' and 'Love'."
What's the secret ?
The old man replied, "I've forgotten her bloody name and I'm too scared to ask."
A man in Hell asked the Devil, "Can I make a call to my wife?"
After making the call he asked how much he had to pay. The Devil replied, "Nothing; in-house calls are free."
The wife said, "I wish I was a newspaper, so I'd be in your hands all day."
The husband replied, "I wish that you were a newspaper too so I would get a new one every day."
The husband said to his wife, "Today is a fine day!"
The next day he said, "Today is a fine day!"
Again, the next day, he said the same thing: "Today is a fine day."
After a week, the wife became irritated and asked her husband,
"Since last week, you have been saying, 'Today is a fine day!" I am fed up with it. Why are you doing it?"
The husband said, "Last week when we had an argument, you said, 'I'll leave you one fine day'.
I was just reminding you"
A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed and just about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband: "I have a confession to make - I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yea ... I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to call room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed, and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone, and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out, what the par is for this damn hole."
I can’t say I blame him…
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a posh theater, as people were taking their seats for the show. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.â€
The man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient.
“Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.â€
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher, who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “Alright buddy, what’s your name?â€
“Sam,†the man moaned.
“Where ya from, Sam?â€
With pain in his voice, Sam replied “… the balcony.â€
A sweet and innocent young Italian girl gets married, but the girl's mother lives downstairs. The girl has never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running downstairs.
"Momma, Momma," she cries. "I can't believe it! He has hair all over his chest! What should I do?"
The mother is making spaghetti sauce. She stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says, "Hair on his chest? He's your husband, it's your wedding night, go upstairs."
When the girl gets back upstairs, the man takes off his pants. This sends her running back down to her mother: "Momma, Momma! He has hair all over his legs! What should I do?"
The mother stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says: "Hair on his legs? He's your husband, it's your wedding night, go upstairs."
The girl goes back upstairs, and the man takes off his shoes and socks. She looks down and sees that half of one of his feet is missing. She goes crying back down the stairs:
"Momma, Momma! He's got a foot and a half! What should I do?"
The mother hands her daughter the spoon and says:
"A foot and a half? Here, you stir the sauce. I'll go upstairs."
A gynaecologist had become so fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become an auto mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. This equaled an A". After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."
(https://i.gyazo.com/f86ee4db3b1a742995463c4addd20ec2.png)
An 85-year-old man had to do a sperm count for his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this home and bring back a sample tomorrow.â€
The next day, the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained…
“Well, doc, it’s like this â€" first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.
“She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.â€
The doctor was shocked. “You asked your neighbor? Good heavens!â€
The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.â€
An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said, 'You Australian folk eat the whole bread?'
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'of course.'
The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .'
The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.
The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with your bread?' Sighing, the Australian replied, 'of course.'
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, 'we don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia ..
The Australian then asked, 'Do you have s*x in the States?'
The American smiled and said 'Why of course we do.' The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'
'We throw them away, of course!'
Now it was the Australian?s turn to smile.
'We don't. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?
How many will be taken in by this
(https://i.gyazo.com/04c69d41a9d11d250a69a6eb7ed636d7.png)
(https://i.gyazo.com/07741dc0b482a0bd5ae9219656968b4a.png)
From the mouths of babes…
A policeman on a horse approaches a little girl on a bicycle and says, “Nice bike you’ve got there. Did Santa bring you that?â€
“Yep,†replies the little girl.
“Well, tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!†he says, and fines her $5 for it.
The little girl looks up at the policeman and says, “Nice horse you’ve got there. Did Santa bring you that?â€
The cop chuckles and replies, “He sure did!â€
“Well,†says the little girl, “next year tell Santa that the dâ€"ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!â€
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform them if there is s*x after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion, Marion "
"Is that you, Tom?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have s*x. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have s*x again, bathe in the warm sun and then have s*x a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then I pretty much have s*x the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more s*x until late at night.
I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again".
"Oh, Tom! Are you in Heaven?"
"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere near Mildura.
This one isn’t for those of y’all that are easily offended!
A mother had three virgin daughters. All three got married within a short space of time.
Mum was a bit worried about what their early experiences would be like. She therefore made them all promise to send a postcard from their honeymoon destinations, with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The 1st girl sent a card from Hawaii, two days after her wedding. The card said nothing but: ‘Nescafe.’
Mum was puzzled at first, but off she went to her kitchen to get out the Nescafe jar; it said ‘Good till the last drop.’ She blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The 2nd girl sent a card from Atlanta, a week after her own wedding. The card read: ‘Rothmans.’
Mum dashed straight to her husband’s pack of cigarettes and she read from the pack: ‘Extra Long, King Size.’ She was again slightly embarrassed, but still happy for her daughter.
The 3rd girl was in Cape Town for her honeymoon. Nothing was heard from her until all of 30 days later. Mother had begun to entertain a measure of apprehension.
On the 31st day, her postcard finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: ‘South African Airways.’
Mum desperately rummaged through the waste bin for the ticket jacket her daughter had discarded before her departure.
Fearing the worst, she finally found the ad for South African Airways and read: ‘Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.’
Mum fainted.
He wasn’t expecting to hear THIS! LOL!
" A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.
Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, “Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?â€
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife’s shoulder and asks, “Honey, please… just one more time before die.â€
She says, “Of course, Dear,†and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death and tosses and turns until he’s down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses.
“Honey, I have only four more hours. Do you think we could…â€
At this point, the wife sits up and says,â€Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don’t!â€
John, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Nick Faldo so, seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them.
He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the misses.
Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Mary at age 83, looked him over and replied, "Nope."
Frustrated as all get out, John stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes. Again he asked Mary, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Mary looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "John, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, John yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARY?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES"!
Without missing a beat old Mary replies, "You shoulda bought a new hat!"
A flat-chested young lady went to a popular surgeon known for "no scars" about enlarging her breasts.
To her shock, Dr. Bosley advised her, "Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!" He guaranteed success and, figuring she had nothing to lose, she did what he told her to do faithfully for several months.
To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realised she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said quietly, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
She apparently didn't say it quietly enough, though, since a guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked "Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Bosley?'
"Yes I am," she said, a bit embarrassed. "How did you know?"
He winked and whispered, "Hickory d*ckory dock.
For the golfers just a joke to lighten your afternoon! Try not to be a grouch!
A nun walks into the Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.
“What troubles you, Sister?†asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.â€
“It was,†sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.â€
“I seem to recall that,†the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?â€
“Far from it,†snorted the Sister. “In fact, I took the Lord’s name in vain today!â€
“Goodness, Sister!†gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!â€
“Well, we were on the fifth tee â€" and this hole is a monster, Mother â€" 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green … and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted … and it hits a bird in mid-flight!â€
“Oh my!†commiserated the Mother Superior. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!â€
“No, that wasn’t it,†admitted the Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!â€
“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!†sympathized the Mother Superior.
“But I didn’t, Mother!†sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!â€
“So that’s when you cursed,†said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.
“Nope, that wasn’t it either,†cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!â€
The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said …
“You missed the fâ€" putt, didn’t you?â€
One day, Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years.
After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!
Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate.
Since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.
So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.
The s*x was good but all the dove would say is 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'
Well this so got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate..
He soon found a very s*xy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the s*x was good but all the loon would say is
'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon.
Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest.
This time the s*x was great, but all the duck would say was
NO, The duck didn't say THAT!
The duck said
'I am a DRAKE, You made a MISTAKE!!
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time. The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that
when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
In the back woods of Scotland, Ian’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.†Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
“Whoa there Ian!†said the doctor. “Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern down… I think there’s another wee one to come yet.â€
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.
“No, no, don’t be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad… It seems there’s yet another one besides!†cried the doctor.
Then Ian scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: “Do ye think it’s the light that’s attractin’ them?â€
A teacher asked her 6th grade class: “Who can tell me, which human organ becomes 10 times bigger when it’s stimulated?â€
Maria stood up, bright red and angry, and said “How can you ask such a question? I’m telling my parents and they’re going to get you fired!â€
The teacher was shocked by the outburst, but decided to ignore it. She asked the class again, “Who can tell me, which human organ becomes 10 times bigger when it’s stimulated?â€
This time Thomas responded, “The answer is the iris in the human eye.â€
“Very good, Thomas. Thank you,†replied the teacher who then turned her gaze on Maria.
“Maria, I need to tell you three things. First, you obviously have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear that one day you will be very, very disappointed.â€
Talk about a miscommunication!
Mr. Wilson comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck. “I have great news. I’m a month overdue. I think we’re going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can’t tell anybody.â€
The next day, Mrs. Wilson receives a telephone call. “Am I speaking to Mrs. Wilson?â€
“Yes. Speaking.â€
“This is the Atlanta Electric Company. You’re a month overdue!â€
“How do YOU know?†stammers the young woman.
“Well, ma’am, it’s in our files!†says the AEC guy.
“What are you saying? It’s in your files?! HOW?â€
“Yes. We have a system of finding out who’s overdue.â€
“GOD! This is too much. Let me talk to my husband about this tonight. He will speak with your company tomorrow.â€
That night, she tells her husband about the call, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the AEC office the next day morning. “What’s going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?! What business is that of yours?†the husband shouts.
“Just calm down,†says the lady at the reception at AEC, “It’s nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.â€
“PAY you? And if I refuse?â€
“Well, in that case, sir, we’d have no option but to cut yours off.â€
“And what would my wife do then?†the husband asks.
“I don’t know. I guess she’d have to use a candle.â€
An elderly couple was flying to Hawaii for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives.â€
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later, the husband turns to his wife and asks, “Honey, did we pay the car bill this month?â€
“No, sweetheart,†she responds.
Still shaken from the crash landing, he then asks, “Did we pay our credit card bill yet?â€
“Oh no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,†she says.
“One last thing, did you remember to pay the medical bill for the hospital visit last month?†he asks.
“Oh, forgive me, sweetheart,†begged the wife. “I didn’t send that one, either.â€
The husband grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 50 years. She pulls away and asks him, “What was the hug for?â€
The husband answers, “They’ll find us!â€
A retired gentleman went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
After waiting in line a long time, he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age.
He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.
He told the woman that he was very sorry, but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “Will I have to go home and come back now?†he asked.
“Unbutton your shirt,†the woman requested. So he opened his shirt, revealing a chest full of curly silver hair.
“That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,†the lady announced, and she processed his Social Security application.
When he got home, the man excitedly told his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.
“You should have dropped your pants,†his wife replied, “you might have qualified for disability, too.â€
A heavily pregnant lady got on a bus one day. She was sitting down when she noticed the man sat across from her was oddly smiling her way.
Feeling a little freaked out, she moved to another seat.
This time the man’s smile turned in to a full blown grin. So she moved seats again, trying to get away from his creepy presence.
Somehow, he seemed even more amused.
When she moved for the fourth time, the man burst out with uncontrollable laughter. Afraid and infuriated, the pregnant woman complained to the driver and they had the man arrested.
The day of court finally arrived. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.
He replied: “Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, ‘The Double Mint Twins are coming’ and I grinned because I found it funny.
Then when she moved and sat under a sign that said, ‘Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling,’ and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, ‘William’s Big Stick Did the Trick,’ and I could hardly contain myself. It was too much!
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, ‘Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!’ … I just lost it.â€
“CASE DISMISSED!!â€
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!â€
The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.â€
A man walks into a chemist shop with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the Boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?'
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe s*x.''
Oh I see,' replied the boy.' Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.'
He looks over the display and picks up a Package of 3 and asks, 'Why are there 3 in this package?'
The dad replies, 'Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.
Cool' says the boy.
He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?'
Those are for college men,' the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.'
'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 Pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
'Those are for Married men. One for January, one for February, one for March.
Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation,
Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs.'
The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week.
When Paddy found out he was furious.. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'
'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.
A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job. I don’t like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing.â€
The social worker behind the counter said “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his 2014 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.â€
“Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20’s and has a rather strong sex drive.â€
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, “You’re bull-sh*ttin’ me!â€
The social worker said, “Yeah, well.. You started it…
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"
I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
This Mom knows what’s up!
Mike invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Mike’s mother couldn’t help but notice how beautiful Mike’s roommate Jennifer was.
Mike’s mom had long been suspicious of the ‘platonic’ relationship between Mike and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Mike and Jennifer than met the eye.
Reading his mom’s thoughts, Mike volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.â€
About a week later, Jennifer came to Mike saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find that beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?â€
Mike said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll send her an e-mail just to be sure.†So he sat down and sent her a message:
“Dear Mom,
I’m not saying that you did take the gravy ladle from the house, I’m not saying that you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Mikeâ€
Several days later, Mike received an email back from his mother that read:
“Dear Son,
I’m not saying that you do sleep with Jennifer, I’m not saying that you do not sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Momâ€
A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?â€
The operator said, “I can, what’s the name and room number?â€
The old lady in her weak voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.â€
The operator replied, “Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.â€
After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, “Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.â€
The old lady said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!â€
The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?â€
The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me sh*t.â€
If you’ve ever had to ask for a loan, you’ll enjoy this little joke!
An old farmer wanted a loan for $500. He approached his local banker. “What have you got for collateral?†queried the banker, going strictly by the book.
“Don’t know what collateral means.â€
“Well that’s something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?â€
“Yes, I have a 1979 pickup.â€
The banker shook his head, “How about livestock?â€
“Yes, I have a horse.â€
“How old is it?â€
“I don’t know; it has no teeth.â€
Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, “Here’s the money to pay loan,†he said, handing the entire amount including interest.
“What are you going to do with the rest of that money?â€
“Put it in my pocket.â€
“Why don’t you deposit it in my bank?†he asked.
“I don’t know what deposit means.â€
“Well, you put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it.â€
The man leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously at the banker, and asked, “What you got for collateral?â€
One for the ladies and sorry if it offends:
(https://i.gyazo.com/e7b47872ac11c81ec1bc9c0240c59535.png)
Know your audience!
An old blind cowboy strolls into a bar one day. Without knowing it, he has actually entered an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He wanders over to a bar stool and asks the bartender for a shot of Jack Daniels.
He sits there for a while, then calls out to the bartender. “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?â€
At that point the entire bar falls deadly silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a club.
3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in Karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, cowboy… Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?â€
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
“No… Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.â€
A garbage collector is driving along a Sydney street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his rubbish truck.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out.
In the spirit of kindness and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck, goes to the front door and knocks.
There's no answer.
Being a conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.
Eventually, a Japanese man comes to the door.
"Harro!" says the Japanese man.
"G'day mate, where's ya' bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toilet," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.
"No mate, where's ya' dust bin?"
"I dust been to toilet, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.
"Listen," says the garbage collector. "You're misunderstanding me. I mean, where's ya' wheelie bin?'"
"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear.
"I wheelie bin having s*x wiffa wife's sista!!!"
One for we oldies:
An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: Dr. Geezer’s clinic. “Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000.â€
Doctor “Young,†who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.
So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic.
This is what transpired.
Dr Young: “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth.†can you please help me??
Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.â€
Dr Young: Aaagh !! “This is Gasoline!â€
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.â€
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.â€
Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.â€
Dr Young: “Oh no you don’t, â€" that is Gasoline!â€
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.â€
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr Young: “My eyesight has become weak â€" I can hardly see !!!!
Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so â€" “Here’s your $1000 back.â€
Dr Young: “But this is only $500…â€
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.â€
Moral of story â€" Just because you’re “Young†doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an old “Geezer †!!!!
(https://i.gyazo.com/3da1337d032d52989d7129453fd6f4b8.png)
My reasoning also.
(https://i.gyazo.com/af7952ac5f5237077376901ccec7edb1.png)
A man applying for a job at a Mildura Lemon Orchard seemed to be far too qualified for the job.
The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
He replied: "I've been divorced three times, bought a Leyland P76, a Beta video player and took up all the Telstra floats. voted for the State Labor Party. Then I voted for Kevin Rudd and Julia Gillard."
"How am I doing so far?"
John told his wife, "I've got a problem."
She stopped him right there, cold in his tracks. "No dear, WE have a problem. We're in this together John.
We married for better or for worse. Therefore, your problem is our problem."
John sighed in relief. "Well, now it's hardly worth mentioning."
But his wife was insistent. "Go ahead John tell me. What's wrong?"
John answered, "Somehow, we got your sister pregnant!"
Now, I know I can relate to this one. Hopefully some of you will as well. TOO FUNNY!!
Earl feared his wife Maxine wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The doctor told him there was a simple informal test the husband could perform to get a better idea about her hearing loss.
“Here’s what you do,†said the doctor. “Stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone, see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.â€
That evening, Maxine was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He said to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.â€
So in a normal tone he asked, “Honey, what’s for dinner?â€
No response.
So Earl moved closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeated, “Maxine, what’s for dinner?†Still no response.
Next he moved into the dining room where he was about 20 feet from his wife and asked, “Honey, what’s for dinner?†Again, he got no response.
So, Earl walked up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. “Honey, what’s for dinner?†Once more, there was no response.
He walked right up behind her. “Maxine, what’s for dinner?â€
“Damn it, Earl, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!!â€
(https://i.gyazo.com/520feaaa8157dd22a4a82fe95d784653.png)
We’d bet this police officer didn’t expect to hear THIS when he stopped a biker on a Harley.
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. “Fred,†the man replies.
“Fred what?†the officer asks.
“Just Fred,†the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket, but he still presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. “Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?â€
The biker replies, “It’s a long story, so stay with me.
I was born Fred Johnson.
I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD, leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.â€
The officer walked away in tears, laughing. Fred did not get a ticket or a warning.
That’s a bet he should have never taken!
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.â€
“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,†says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?â€
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.â€
Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.â€
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.â€
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.â€
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?†Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.â€
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you OK?†the auditor asks.
“Not really,†says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.â€
Don’t mess with old people!
This one is priceless:
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone. He yelled, “Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!â€
The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone.
“Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few
questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!â€
He then began his series of questions:
Tower: “How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??â€
Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me.â€
Tower: “Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re
traveling at 180 mph?â€
Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me.â€
Tower: “Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast, so how do you know you’re flying upside down?â€
Aircraft: “The shower in my pants is running out of my shirt collar.â€
Must be a small town!
During a trial in Mississippi, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?â€
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot, when you haven’t got the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.â€
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?â€
She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state… Not to mention, he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.â€
The defense attorney nearly died on the spot.
Suddenly, the judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said… “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.â€
Love the punchline in this one:
The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.â€
Yes, she says, “I remember it well.â€
OK, he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?â€
“Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!â€
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?â€
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,â€Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.â€
Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 p.m. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 p.m. news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story of a man preparing to jump off the ledge of a large building. The blonde looked at Bob and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?â€
Bob said, “You know, I bet he’ll jump.â€
The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.â€
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, “You’re on!†Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob. “Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.â€
Bob replied, “I can’t take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 p.m. news, so I knew he would jump.â€
The blonde replied, “I did, too, but I didn’t think he’d do it again.â€
Bob took the money.
Been a few days but really like this one.
TOO FUNNY!
A young woman had a flat tire on the interstate.
She eased her car over to the shoulder of the road carefully, got out of the car and opened the trunk.
She took out two cardboard women, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of her car facing oncoming traffic. They looked so lifelike you wouldn’t believe it! They were in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.
As she expected, cars started slowing down looking at her lifelike ladies. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting horns and waving like crazy.
It wasn’t long before a state trooper pulled up behind her. He got out of his car and started walking toward her. He was definitely not happy.
“What’s going on here?†he asked.
“My car has a flat tire,†the woman said calmly.
“Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard women doing here by the road?â€
The lady looked flabbergasted that he didn’t know.
“Hellooooo, those are my emergency flashers!â€
She should have checked first!
Sister Judy woke up one morning feeling great. She got out of bed and decided to go to the kitchen for some breakfast.
On her way over there, she ran into sister Jane. “Hi, Sister Jane,†she greeted her.
“I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed, Sister,†Jane replied. Judy did not understand what Sister Jane meant by that, so she ignored it and went on her way.
She was passing by the garden when she ran into sister Roberta. “Good morning, Sister Roberta! I am having a great day.â€
“I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed,†Sister Roberta replied mysteriously.
The nun was wondering why everybody she met kept saying that when she felt great, so she decided to go and see Mother Superior.
“Everybody keeps telling me that I got off on the wrong side of the bed, even though I feel great today,†Judy explained, troubled.
Mother Superior responded,â€That is because you have Brother John’s shoes on.â€
TOO FUNNY!
Wallace walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.
A lady cashier called out to him and said, “Your barracks door is open.â€
Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, “Your fly is open.â€
He zipped up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, Wallace intentionally got in the line where the lady was who told him about his “barracks door.â€
He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, “When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?â€
The lady, who was a bit sharper than the man, thought for a moment and said, “No, no, I didn’t. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old Duffel bags.â€
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
“Breast-fed,†the woman replied.
“Well, strip down to your waist,†the doctor asked. She did.
He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning for her to get dressed he said, “No wonder this baby is underweight! You don’t have any milk.â€
“I know,†she said, “I’m his grandmother, but I’m glad I came.â€
Just a little bit of humor to put a smile on your face and maybe brighten your day a little bit.
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.â€
The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.â€
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.'â€
The lawyer asked, “What is the Three Kick Rule?â€
The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.â€
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay. Now it’s my turn.â€
The old farmer smiled and said, “Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.â€
Thanks for this thread guys :) Been having a rough day but this has brightened me up ;D
One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 4 to 6 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.â€
Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 6 to 8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.â€
Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park …†then the electric power goes out.
Bob’s wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?â€
With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?â€
A day late but a good St Patricks day joke.
An Irishman walks into a bar in London, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
“You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it,†the bartender tells him, “and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.â€
The Irishman replies, “Well, you see, I ‘ave two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m ‘ere in London. When we all left home, we promised we’d always drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o’me brothers and one for meself.â€
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and gives him his three pints.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them all together, one sip each.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.â€
The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,†he explains, “It’s just that me wife ‘ad us join that Baptist Church and I ‘ad to quit drinking. ‘asn’t affected me brothers though.â€
Hey, it’s the thought that counts, right??
Never underestimate old ladies :D
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.â€
“Oh, really? Darn it!†said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
“Well, now, not so fast,†said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?â€
“Oh, no, noâ€, said the old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.
A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’
“Well, that seems only fair,†said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?â€
“Not everybody pays.â€
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says,
"You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says,
"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replies. "You keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says, "You must be a really good dentist."
The guy, now with an inflated ego, says,
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
The girl replies....
"I Didn't feel a thing."
A male patient was lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four-hour surgical procedure.
A young student nurse came into his room, ready to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse, he mumbled from behind the mask. Are my testicles black?
Embarrassed, the young nurse replied: I don't know, Sir.
I'm only here to wash your upper body.
He struggled to ask again: Nurse, are my testicles black?
Concerned that he might elevate his vitals from concern about his testicles,
She overcame her embarrassment and sheepishly pulled back the covers.
She raised his gown, held his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.
Then, she took a close look and said: No sir, they aren't. and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them!!
The man weakly pulled off his oxygen mask, smiled at her and said, very slowly:
Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
(https://i.gyazo.com/770d35112d63b40f1c45bfb1a526695d.png)
True photo taken at mt Tamborine on the weekend. Yellow highway patrol bikes.
Will give you a laugh,
Hey, she got what she asked for, right?
A man, 75-year-old Earl, walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist, an uptight lady, said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?â€
“There’s something wrong with my johnson,†he replied. Several people turned their heads to look at him, surprised.
The receptionist, embarrassed at the situation, said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.â€
“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,†Earl said.
The receptionist replied, “Now you have caused needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.â€
The man replied, “You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.†He then walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly. “Yes?â€
“There’s something wrong with my ear,†Earl stated loudly.
The receptionist nodded approvingly, knowing he had taken her advice. “What is wrong with your ear, sir?â€
“I can’t piss out of it,†he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
You know what?†he concluded.
“What, dear?†she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
“I think you’re bad luck.â€
Not for the easily offended… but it’s sure good for a laugh!
A nun and a priest decide to take a day off, so they go golfing.
The nun gets a hole-in-one, but the priest hits it into a sand trap. He’s so angry, he shouts, “God dammit, I missed!â€
The nun reminds him not to take the Lord’s name in vain, and the priest apologizes and tries again.
He hits the ball into the rough, and in his anger, once again shouts “God dammit, I MISSED!â€
“Father, please, you must stop taking the Lord’s name in vain!†the nun pleads. He apologizes.
On his third shot, he hits it into the water and yells “GOD DAMMIT, I MISSED!†and before the nun can say anything, a bolt of lightning strikes her, killing her instantly.
Out of nowhere, a loud voice booms, “God dammit, I missed.â€
The old saying “cheaters never win†is as true for both sports and marriage. A suspicious wife crafts a brilliant plan to see if her husband’s fishing trip story actually holds water.
One day, a man called his wife to let her know that his boss had asked him to come on a fishing trip in Canada with some friends. He told his wife that he thought it would be a great move for his career and that he thought he should go.
The man’s wife agreed to let him go, so he asked her to pack his bag as they were leaving the office and heading out from there. He specifically asked his wife to pack his new blue silk pajamas.
The wife knew something was odd about the trip and about her husband’s request, but she packed everything that he asked for and had it ready for him to come pick up before leaving on the trip.
After being gone for a week, the husband returned home and his wife asked if he had a good time and if he caught any fish.
“You bet we did! We caught pike and walleye â€" tons of fish!†he told his wife. “We spent all day out on the lake and had fish every night for dinner. It was fantastic.â€
The husband then mentioned that his wife forgot one little thing.
“You forgot to pack my pajamas like I asked, though,†he said.
“No I didn’t,†his wife replied. “I put them in your tackle box.â€
Caught out Ouch!
This is classic!
A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America one day, carrying a large bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money!â€
The receptionist objected, stating, “You can’t just walk in here and expect to see the president of the Bank of America. He’s a very busy man.â€
“But I am here to make a very large cash deposit,†added the old woman.
The receptionist momentarily looked at the sack of money, then walked back to one of the rear offices. She came back and said, “You’re in luck this morning, he will see you,†and ushered her in to see the president of the Bank of America.
When she walked in to a large office with a nicely tailored man behind a great oaken desk. The bank president stood up and asked, “How can I help you?â€
She replied, “I would like to open a savings account,†and placed the bag of money on his desk.
“How much would you like to deposit?†he asked curiously.
“$180,000, if you please,†and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The President was surprised to see all this cash, so he asked her, “Ma’am, I’m surprised you’re carrying so much cash around, especially a woman at your stage in life. Where did you come by this kind of money?â€
The old lady coyly replied, “I make bets.â€
Surprised, the president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?â€
The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.â€
“What?!†cried the man, “you want to bet me $25,000 that my balls, my testicles, are square?†He could hardly hold back from laughing.
“Yes, you heard me. In fact, by ten o’clock tomorrow morning, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls will be square.â€
The man smiled broadly, thinking he had a live one. “You’ve got yourself a bet!†and shook her hand.
The little old lady then said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. as a witness?â€
“Sure!†replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 a.m., the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: “$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!â€
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
“Well, Okay,†said the president, obviously embarrassed. Thinking to himself, “$25,000 is a lot of money, I guess it’s okay.†He then said, “Yes, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.â€
As the old woman started to feel the banker’s testicles, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The president asked the old lady, “What the hell’s the matter with your lawyer?â€
The old lady replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 a.m. today, I’d have the balls of the president of the Bank of America in my hands.â€
Her body may be old, but her mind is sharper than ever!
A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, “Where did you get that car?â€
He calmly told them, “I bought it today.â€
“With what money!?†demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.â€
“Well,†said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.â€
The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?†they asked.
“It was the lady up the street,†said the boy. “Don’t know her name â€" they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.â€
“Oh my goodness!†moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.â€
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she has sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
“Well,†she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.†A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, “Where did you get that car?â€
He calmly told them, “I bought it today.â€
“With what money!?†demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.â€
“Well,†said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.â€
The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?†they asked.
“It was the lady up the street,†said the boy. “Don’t know her name â€" they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.â€
“Oh my goodness!†moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.â€
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she has sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
“Well,†she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.†A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, “Where did you get that car?â€
He calmly told them, “I bought it today.â€
“With what money!?†demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.â€
“Well,†said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.â€
The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?†they asked.
“It was the lady up the street,†said the boy. “Don’t know her name â€" they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.â€
“Oh my goodness!†moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.â€
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she has sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
“Well,†she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.â€
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. But when silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd just have to write with your other hand!.
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
She said, “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?â€
“Negative, ma’am,†the Sergeant Major said, “Just serious by nature.â€
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.â€
The Sergeant Major’s short reply was, “Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.â€
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.†The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?â€
The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, “1955.â€
She said, “Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn’t that a little extreme?â€
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, “You think so? It’s only 2130 now.â€
Don't you love the preciseness of a RSM.
Hey, makes sense when you think about it!
Father O’Flannagan dies due to old age. Upon entering St. Peter’s gate, there is another man in front of him in the queue waiting to go into heaven. St. Peter asks the man, “What is your name what did you accomplish during your life?â€
The man responds “My name is Joe Cohen, and I was a New York city taxi driver for 14 years!â€
“Very well,†says St. Peter, “Here is your silk robe and golden scepter, now you may walk in the streets of our Lord.â€
St. Peter looks at the Father, and asks “What is your name and what did you accomplish?â€
He responds, “I’m Father O’Flannagan, and have devoted the last 62 years to the Lord.â€
“Very well,†says St. Peter, “Here is your cotton robe and wooden staff, you may enter.â€
“Wait a minute,†says O’Flannagan, “You gave the taxi driver a silk robe and golden scepter, why did I only get a cotton robe and wooden staff?â€
“Well,†St. Peter replied, “We work on a performance scale. While you preached, everyone slept, but when he drove taxis, everyone prayed!â€
Here’s a joke. Try not to take it too seriously. It’s just a funny little take on what if Noah was alive today and lived in the United States. It might have gone a little like this…
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, “In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark.†In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark. “Remember,†said the Lord, “you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year.â€
Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. “Noah!†He shouted. “Where is the Ark?â€
“Lord, please forgive me,†cried Noah. “I did my best, but there were big problems.
First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not meet the building codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved floatation devices. Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I really needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won’t let me take the 2 owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued me. They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard. This suit is pending.
Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn’t take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe.
Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking atheists aboard.
The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I’m building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a ‘recreational water craft’.
And finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it’s a religious event, and, therefore unconstitutional. I really don’t think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years.â€
Noah waited. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up hopefully. “You mean you’re not going to destroy the earth, Lord?â€
“No,†He said sadly. “I don’t have to. The government already has.â€
Could not resist putting this one up even though political:
"A friend told me yesterday that President Trump has now banned the sale of all shredded cheese. Apparently it's the quickest way he can deliver on his campaign promise to make America grate again."
It’s a little blue, but it gave me a laugh!
A woman is pregnant with triplets. One day she goes into a bank just as it’s being held up. She gets shot 3 times in the stomach, but luckily she lives.
She goes to the doctor who tells her that her children will be all right, and that one day the bullets will simply come out.
So 15 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says “MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!†So the mother tells her the story of what happened 15 years ago.
The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, “MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!â€
On the third day the son comes out and says “MOM, MOM!â€
She asks, “Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?â€
The boy replies, “No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!â€
AFL Evolution Player Ratings
Quote from: fanTCfool on April 13, 2017, 11:38:29 AM
AFL Evolution Player Ratings
HAHAHAHA
it looks like they did the ratings at the start of last season
Quote from: Hawka on April 13, 2017, 02:15:00 PM
Quote from: fanTCfool on April 13, 2017, 11:38:29 AM
AFL Evolution Player Ratings
HAHAHAHA
it looks like they did the ratings at the start of last season
Back when Clayton Oliver was a ruckman right? ;)
Forgive me if you’ve heard this one before. No matter what, it’s always good for a laugh. EVERY TIME!
"Four surgeons were sitting around on lunch break, discussing what kinds of people they like to operate on.
The first surgeon said, “I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order.â€
The second surgeon said, “I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is numbered and organized.â€
The third surgeon said, “I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color-coded.â€
The fourth surgeon said, “No no, operating on politicians is clearly the best, and also really easy.â€
The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.
The fourth surgeon replied, “Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable.â€
Couldn’t have said it better myself!
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You live and learn!
Bert, 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?â€
Margaret, 75, looked him over.
“Nope.â€
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?â€
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.â€
Furious, Bert yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?â€
“Nope. Not a clue,†she replied.
“IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!â€
Without missing a beat, Margaret replied, “Shoulda bought a hat, Bert! Shoulda bought a hat.â€
(https://i.gyazo.com/4edfa3372b28b6aee0000fe8a4c90130.jpg)
A 5-year-old boy visited his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?â€
Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.â€
Grandma later turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma’s minister. The minister said, “Hello son, is your grandma home?â€
The little boy replied, “Yeah, she’s in the bedroom banging her boyfriend.â€
The minister fainted.
From the mouths of babes, right?
Sometimes a simple solution leads to some complicated questions. If you know an engineer, somebody who loves math, or even a teacher, they’re all going to get a kick out of this joke!
Two mathematicians were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A female engineer walked by and asked what they were doing.
“We’re supposed to find the height of this flagpole,†said one, “but we don’t have a ladder.â€
The engineer took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, and announced, “Twenty one feet, six inches,†and walked away.
One mathematician shook his head and laughed, “A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!â€
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, “Do you know me?â€
To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.â€
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?â€
She looks into his eyes, then says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.â€
He should have taken a second look before speaking… LOL!
LOL! He couldn’t keep it together…
A heavily pregnant lady got on a bus one day. She was sitting down when she noticed the man sat across from her was oddly smiling her way.
Feeling a little freaked out, she moved to another seat.
This time the man’s smile turned in to a full blown grin. So she moved seats again, trying to get away from his creepy presence.
Somehow, he seemed even more amused.
When she moved for the fourth time, the man burst out with uncontrollable laughter. Afraid and infuriated, the pregnant woman complained to the driver and they had the man arrested.
The day of court finally arrived. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.
He replied: “Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, ‘The Double Mint Twins are coming’ and I grinned because I found it funny.
Then when she moved and sat under a sign that said, ‘Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling,’ and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, ‘William’s Big Stick Did the Trick,’ and I could hardly contain myself. It was too much!
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, ‘Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!’ … I just lost it.â€
“CASE DISMISSED!!â€
A little old Texas lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
“Good morning,†said the young man, “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners, straight from California.â€
“Go away!†said the old lady, “I haven’t got any money to spend on things like that!†and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
“Don’t be too hasty!†he said. “At least wait until you’ve seen my demonstration.â€
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
“If this vacuum cleaner doesn’t remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder, cross my heart.â€
The old lady stepped back and said, “Wait here while I go get a spoon. I hope you’ve got a darn good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.â€
More than he bargained for. That’s for sure!
It’s a little blue but it’s still pretty darn funny!
A man wanted to last longer during sex, so he went to see a doctor for advice. The doctor said that masturbating before sex often helps men last longer. The man decided, “What the hell, I’ll try it.â€
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the trucks undercarriage.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
Thinking that the car’s undercarriage was a bit of a turn-off, he firmly closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, “What?â€
He heard, “This is the police. What’s going on down there?â€
The man replied, “I’m checking out the rear axle, it’s busted.â€
Then he heard the reply, “Well, you might as well check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.â€
Little Johnny sees his daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car, and sees daddy and aunt Jane sharing a ‘passionate moment.’
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
“Mommy, Mommy, I was at the playground and daddy and….†Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. “I was at the playground and I saw daddy’s car go into the woods with aunt Jane. I went to look and daddy was giving aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then aunt Jane helped daddy take his pants off, then aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then daddy…â€
At this point, mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for when we’re having dinner. I want to see the look on daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.â€
At the dinner table, mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.
“Well, I was at the playground, and I saw daddy’s car go into the woods with aunt Jane. I followed them to see what they were doing, and then I saw how daddy gave aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then aunt Jane helped daddy take off his pants, and then daddy and aunt Jane did that same thing mommy and uncle Jack used to do when daddy was in the Army.â€
Then mom fainted.
(https://i.gyazo.com/1f3012c5058f46ba5aa83d270a0124f2.png)
^ funny now but kids will be talking that very soon :P
SCOTTISH GOLF SIGN!!
This is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland, UK
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT
2.. FEET SHOULDER-WIDTH APART
3. FORM A LOOSE GRIP
4. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
WELL DONE!
NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL,
GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF
United Airlines Slogans.......New slogans for United Airlines
We have First Class, Business Class, and No Class.
Our prices cant be beaten...but our passengers can.
We put the hospital in hospitality.
We beat our passengers, not the competition.
We have an offer you cant refuse. No, really.
Board as a doctor, leave as a patient.
Not enough seating? Prepare for a beating.
And you thought legroom was an issue.
If our staff need a seat, well drag you out by your feet.
We treat you like we treat your luggage.
Fight or flight.
You may have patients, but we don't have patience.
We have red-eye and black-eye flights available.
Now serving free punch.
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit, jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. I feel terrible," he explains,
"I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."
The blonde says," Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him. The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns
and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,"What is in that can?* *What did you spray on the Easter Bunny? The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says,
Are you ready for this? You know you're gonna be sorry.
It says,
"Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
Newsflash
President Trump has banned the sale of shredded cheese in the US.
When questioned why:
Trump said "Part of my Strategy to make America Great ("Grate") Again"
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"
I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?"
Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off."
The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking."
Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?"
The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream."
Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
A man walks into a barber shop and says, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine."
The barber lathers his face and sharpens the straight edge while a woman with the biggest, most beautiful breasts he has ever seen kneels down and shines his shoes.
The man says, "You and I should spend some time in a hotel room."
She replies, "My husband wouldn't like that."
The man says, "Tell him you're working overtime, and I'll pay you the difference."
She says, "You tell him. He's the one shaving you."
Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.
Ruth pulled out a condom, cut off the end, slipped it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
“What’s that?†asked Gilda.
“A condom,†Ruth replied. “This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.â€
“Where did you get it?â€
“You can get them at any drugstore,†Ruth said.
The next day, Gilda hobbled herself into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looked at her strangely â€" she was, after all, over 80 years old â€" but very delicately asked what brand she preferred.
“Doesn’t matter, son,†Gilda answered, “as long as it fits a Camel.â€
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life between the legs of my wife!â€
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night. He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the nightâ€
She said, “Oh, that’s great! And what was your toast?â€
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life sitting in church beside my wife.â€
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!†Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.â€
She nodded and said, “Yes, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.â€
A man was having computer problems.
So he called Eric, the 11-year-old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, the man called after him, “So, what was wrong?â€
He replied, “It was an ID ten T error.â€
The man didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, “An, ID ten T error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.â€
Eric grinned, “Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?â€
“No,†he replied.
Eric told him to write it down and he’d figure it out.
So the man wrote down: ID10T
He used to like Eric, know he thinks he’s a little jerk.
A good example of why you should always think before you speak!
A manager at a grocery store had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four women in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, “What is the fastest thing you can think of?â€
The first woman replied, “A thought! It just pops into your head. There’s no warning.â€
“That’s very good!†replied the interviewer. “And, now you, what’s the fastest thing you can think of?†he asked the second woman.
“Hmmm, let’s see… A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.â€
“Excellent!†said the interviewer. “The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliché for speed.â€
He then turned to the third woman, who was contemplating her reply.
“Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.â€
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found the person for the job. “True, it’s hard to beat the speed of light,†he said.
The interviewer then turned to the fourth candidate, who was a 19 year old blonde, and posed the same question.
She replied, “After hearing the previous three answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing is diarrhea.â€
“WHAT!?†said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
“Oh sure,†said the blonde, “you see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I had already crapped my pants.â€
A teacher asked her students to use the word “fascinate†in a sentence.
Mary said, “My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating.â€
The teacher said, “That was good, Mary, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate.’â€
Sally raised her hand and said, “My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated.â€
The teacher said, “Good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate.’â€
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because Johnny was notorious for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,†so she called on him.
Johnny said loudly, “My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons.â€
The teacher said, “That was good, Johnny. However, you did not use the word ‘fascinate’ in your sentence.â€
Little Johnny continued, “But her boobs are so big, she can only fasten eight!â€
A lady stood up and came forward.
She said, “I have a reason to thank the Lord.â€
“Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.â€
“The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.â€
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.
She continued, “Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain.â€
“We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation.â€
“They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim’s scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.â€
Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.
She continued, “Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.â€
All the men sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, “I’m Jim and I would like to tell my beautiful blonde wife, the word is “sternum.â€
Sorry Dad Jokes:
A truck carrying Vapour Rub has overturned. Police say they aren't expecting congestion on the motorway.
Donald Trump has banned the sale of grated cheese in America. When asked reason Trump replied "To make America "grate" again.
My girlfriend told me she wanted to walk down the aisle so I sent her grocery shopping.
Smart kid!
Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,†he said.
“An ambulance just drove by.â€
A few moments passed.
“Looks like the Andersons have company,†he called out.
“Matt’s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex.â€
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. “How do you know that?†the startled father asked.
“Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,†his son replied.
Hey, at least he’s got a reason for it! Leave it to kids to put a new spin on what they hear on TV. FUNNY!
Two little boys go to the grocery store. One is nine years old and the other one is five years old. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for checkout.
The cashier asks, “Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?â€
The nine-year-old replies, “Nope, not for my mom.â€
The cashier responds, “Well, they must be for your sister then?â€
The nine year old quickly replies, “Nope, not for my sister either.â€
The cashier has now become curious. “Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister? Who are they for?â€
The nine year old says, “They’re for my little brother. He’s five years old.â€
The cashier is surprised. “Your five year old little brother? Are you sure he need tampons?â€
The nine year old explains: “Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike, and my little brother can’t do either of them!â€
Probably a good reason why these adds should not be played in kids time.
People think I am crazy talking to my dogs all the time.
What am I supposed to do then when they ask me a question?
A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him, smiled and said, “Hello. My name is Carmen.â€
“That’s a beautiful name,†he replied. “Is it a family name?â€
“No,†she replied. “As a matter of fact, I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most â€" cars and men. Therefore, I chose ‘Carmen.'â€
“Is that so?†the man asked, highly amused.
“It is,†she nodded, then asked, “What’s your name?â€
Without missing a beat, he answered, “B. J. Titsengolf.â€
A man and his wife are out driving, and get pulled over by a police officer.
The husband, who is the one behind the wheel, asks, “What’s the problem, officer?â€
Officer: “You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.â€
Man: “No sir, I was going 65.â€
Wife: “Oh, Harry. You were going 80.†(The man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: “I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: “Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!â€
Wife: “Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.†(The man gives his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: “I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.â€
Man: “Oh, this? I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.â€
Wife: “Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.â€
The man turns to his wife and yells, “Shut your mouth!â€
The officer turns to the woman and asks, “Ma’am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?â€
Wife: “No, only when he’s drunk.â€
He should have reconsidered his phrasing!
A 21 year old blonde girl met a large, powerfully built bodybuilder at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place.
The body builder takes off his shirt, and while doing so, he exclaims, “Boom!â€
The blonde says, “What a great chest you have!â€
He tells her, “That’s 100 lbs of dynamite, baby!â€
He then rips off his pants, once again yelling, “Boom!â€
The blonde is impressed and says, “My, what massive calves you have!â€
The body builder tells her, “That’s 100 lbs of dynamite, baby.â€
He then rips off his underwear, and exclaims “Boom!â€
The blonde goes running out of the apartment, screaming in fear.
The bodybuilder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, “I didn’t want to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was!â€
Time flies when you’re having fun!
Late one evening, a woman came home from work after a long day at the office. When she walked into the kitchen, she found her husband walking around wielding a fly swatter.
“Albert, what are you doing?†she asked.
“I’m hunting flies,†he said.
“Oh, I see. Did you kill any?†she asked.
“Yep, three males two females,†he replied in a confident tone.
The woman was intrigued by her husband’s apparent fly knowledge.
She asked, “But how can you tell the difference between males and females?â€
He replied, “Easy. Three were on the beer can and two were on the phone.â€
Cop: "Turn around."
Me: "Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never comin' round."
Cop: "TURN AROUND."
Me: "Every now...."
*gets tased*
A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
“Of course, madam,†replied the sales clerk, “exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?â€
The bride-to-be said, “A long frilly white dress with a veil.â€
“Please don’t take this the wrong way, madam, but such dresses are usually more fitting for the first time bride who is more innocent in the ways of life, if you get my meaning.â€
“WELL!,†replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk’s directness, “I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.
You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our honeymoon hotel.
My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.â€
“What about your third husband?â€
“That one was a politician “, said the woman, “and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be…but nothing ever happened.â€
A farmer was cruising through his rural town when he got pulled over speeding. What followed was an exchange that is sure to have you cracking up.
An old farmer gets pulled over by a state trooper.
The officer lectures him on how irresponsible it is to be speeding, and does everything he can to get the farmer off-balance.
While the trooper is filling out a form, he keeps swatting at a swarm of flies around him.
The farmer says, “Having trouble with them circle flies, officer?â€
The trooper replies, “Yeah â€" why do call them circle flies?â€
The farmer says, “Well, they’re usually seen circling round the back end of horses.â€
“Ah, I see,†the trooper replies absentmindedly.
After a minute, the trooper looks up from his paperwork and says indignantly, “Wait a minute. Are you calling me a horse’s ass?â€
The farmer says “Oh no officer, I’ve got too much respect for the police to do that.â€
“Good,†the trooper says.
The farmer continued, “Hard to fool them circle flies though…â€
A Texas cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates.
“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?†St. Peter asked.
“Well, I can think of one thing,†the cowboy offered.
“On a trip to the Black Hills in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker, smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.†I yelled, “Now back off!! Or I’ll kick the heck out of all of you!!â€
St. Peter was impressed. He asked, “When did this happen?â€
“Just a couple of minutes ago …â€
Wallace walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.
A lady cashier called out to him and said, “Your barracks door is open.â€
Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, “Your fly is open.â€
He zipped up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, Wallace intentionally got in the line where the lady was who told him about his “barracks door.â€
He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, “When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?â€
The lady, who was a bit sharper than the man, thought for a moment and said, “No, no, I didn’t. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old Duffel bags.â€
A 71 year old man is having a drink in a Chicago bar. Suddenly a gorgeous 19 year old girl enters and sits down a few seats away.
The girl is so attractive that he just can’t take his eyes off her. After a short while the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.
Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone:
“I’ll do anything you’d like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn’t matter how extreme or unusual it is, I’m game. I want 100 dollars, and there’s another conditionâ€.
Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.
“You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.â€
The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He then whips out his wallet and puts 10 ten-dollar bills in her outstretched hand.
He then looks her square in the eye, and says slowly and clearly:
“Paint my house.â€
That’s three words. LOL!
An elderly couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together.
After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man, “You appear to be in good health, do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?â€
“In fact I do,†said the man, “After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.â€
“This is very interesting,†replied the doctor, “Let me do some research and get back to you.â€
After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?â€
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then asked, “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?â€
“Oh, that old buzzard,†she replied, “That’s because the first time is usually in December and the second time in July.â€
s Grandma knows how to handle a little misbehavior!
A couple of parents are out of town celebrating their wedding day, and ask grandma to keep an eye on their teenage daughter.
It’s Friday evening and the teenage grandchild is getting ready for a date. When the girl walks down the stairs, the grandma is chocked to see that she is wearing a see-through blouse without anything underneath.
“You wouldn’t dare go out dressed like that!†she says to the girl.
“Relax, grandma,†the girl says, “It’s 2017, it’s okay to let your rosebuds show a bit.†The girl quickly runs out of the house before the grandma can get a word in edgewise.
On the next day the girl walks down the stairs again, but is shocked to see her grandma sitting there without any clothes on her upper body.
The girl is incredibly embarrassed by the sight, and tells grandma that she has invited some friends over, and asks her to put on some clothes so it won’t be awkward.
“Relax, honey,†the grandma says, “if you can show your rosebuds, then what’s wrong with me showing my hanging plants?â€
Love this one - How to get back at Car Salesman
A wise old farmer went to town to buy a new pickup truck that he saw advertised in the paper for a certain price.
After telling the salesman which truck he wanted, they set down to do the paperwork.
The salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer declared, “This isn’t the price I saw!â€
The salesman went on to tell the old wise farmer how he was getting extras such as power steering, power brakes, power windows, special tires, etc. and that was what took the price up. The farmer, needing the truck badly, paid the price and went home.
A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, “My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?â€
The farmer replied, “Yes, I have a few cows I would sell for $500 a piece. Come and look at them and take your pick.â€
The salesman said he and his son would be right out.
After spending a few hours in the field checking out all the farmer’s cows, the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500.
The farmer said, “Now wait a minute, that’s not the final price of the cow. You’re getting extras with it and you have to pay for that too.â€
“What extras?†asked the salesman.
Below is the list the farmer gave the salesman for the final price of the cow:
BASIC COW â€" $500.00
Two-tone exterior â€" $45.00
Extra stomach â€" $75.00
Product storing equipment â€" $60.00
Straw compartment â€" $120.00
4 spigots @$10 each â€" $40.00
Leather upholstery â€" $125.00
Dual horns â€" $45.00
Automatic fly swatter â€" $38.00
Fertilizer attachment â€" $185.00
Grand Total â€" $1,233.00
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later.â€
The nun agreed… A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?†The nun replied, “He went that way.â€
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want to go to Syria.â€
The nun said, “I understand completely.â€
The soldier added, “I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!â€
The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen another ‘great pair.’ I don’t want to go to Syria either.â€
Warning: A Little crude.
"An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.
They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?â€
After a short pause, she replies, “No.â€
Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first. Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So… you finish?â€
And again, after a short pause, she just says “No.â€
Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette and entertains his companion du jour. This time, with all the strength he can muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after expending quite a lot of time and energy.
Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette, lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So… you finish?â€
“No. I’m Swedish.â€
A horse walks into a bar and the barman says "Why the long face?"
A grasshopper walks into a bar and the barman says "Hey we have a drink that's named after you!"
The grasshopper looks at him and frowns and says "Called Kevin??"
Who wants to be a pre school teacher:
A kindergarten teacher was helping one of her students put his boots on. He had asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on.
When the second boot was on, she was nearly out of breath.
She almost whimpered when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.â€
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as they worked together to get the boots back on â€" this time on the right feet.
He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.â€
She bit her tongue rather than scream, “Why didn’t you say so earlier?†like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.
He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear them.â€
She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, “Now, where are your gloves?â€
He said, “I stuffed them in the toes of my boots…â€
"Three old Catholic priests got together one evening to discuss their lives.
One of the priests said, “Sometimes it feels like such a burden to always be the one who listens to other people’s problems â€" I can only talk about my sins with the bishop, and he just visits once a year…â€
The others nodded in agreement. Suddenly, one of them said, “Wait a minute, we can forgive other people’s sins, why don’t we just confess to each other?â€
The others were hesitant at this proposition, but eventually one of them said, “My brothers, I have a great sin to confess: I am an incurable gambler, and sometimes I steal money from the alms box…â€
The others were taken aback by this, but forgave their fellow priest.
The next one said, “Brother, your sin is nothing compared to mine â€" I’m a lecherous womanizer! There’s not a woman between 15 and 85 in my congregation that I haven’t been with!â€
The others were surprised, but still forgave their fellow priest.
The third priest, who was 90 years old, was unwilling to confess his greatest sin.
After some coaxing, he finally said, “Okay then. My brothers, I am a notorious tattletale â€" I can never seem to keep my mouth shut…â€
Woops! They should have let him go first!
Not really a joke but very interesting if the survey is correct:
Seven per cent of Americans â€" about 16 million people â€" believe chocolate milk comes from brown cows.
If only!
Some times traditions can get you into strife: Luv this example ;D ;D
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The Chief played it off pretty well…
A Navy Chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him, “Get over here! What’s your name sailor?â€
“John,†the new seaman replied.
“Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp nowadays, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,†the chief scowled. “It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as ‘Chief’. Do I make myself clear?â€
“Aye, Aye Chief!â€
“Now that we’ve got that straight, what’s your last name?â€
The seaman sighed. “Darling, My name is John Darling, Chief.â€
“Okay, John, here’s what I want you to do …..â€
Mr Anderson was sitting quietly reading his newspaper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
“Ouch, what was that for?†he asked.
“That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,†she replied.
“You’ve got it all wrong. I went to the races two weeks ago, and Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,†he explained.
“Oh honey, I’m sorry,†she said. “I should have known there was a good explanation.â€
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with a frying pan. The man bent over and clutched his head.
The man asked, “What the hell was that for?â€
She replied, “Your horse just called.â€
An elderly wife from Montana had an appointment with her doctor to ask for advice on how to treat her husband’s lack of sex drive.
“Have you tried Viagra?†the doctor asked.
“Not a chance,†the old lady replied, “he doesn’t even take aspirin.â€
“Not a problem,†the doctor replied, “just give him some Montana Viagra.â€
“What’s Montana Viagra?â€
“It’s simple. You discretely put the Viagra into his coffee when he’s not looking. He won’t be able to taste it. Try it out and get back to me in a week and tell me about the results.â€
A week later, the old lady called the doctor.
“Oh my lord!†she wailed, “Terrible! Just terrible.â€
“Really? What happened?†the doctor replied.
“I did as you told me, I put the pill into the coffee, and the effect was immediate… he flew up from the chair, and his eyes were positively smoldering. With a quick motion he swept all the cups and the tablecloth from the table, ripped my clothes off and took me then and there on the table. It was a nightmare I tell you, a nightmare.â€
“Oh, I see, but why was it so bad, shouldn’t this be a good thing?†the doctor asked in a worried tone.
“Oh yes, this was the best thing to happen to me in 25 years! But I can tell you right now, I will never be able to show my face in the downtown Starbucks again!â€
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.
They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning â€" though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.â€
They throw the switch and nothing happens. The executioners all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.â€
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.â€
Three elderly women are talking about their troubles.
“Sixty is the worst age to be,†said Ruth, the 60-year-old, “You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens.â€
“Ah, that’s nothing,†said the 70-year-old, Maxine. “When you’re 70, you don’t have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens.â€
“Actually,†said Gilda, the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.â€
“Do you have trouble peeing too?†asked Ruth.
“No, I pee every morning at 6 a.m. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all.â€
“Do you have trouble with your bowel movements?†Maxine questioned.
“No, I have one every morning at 6:30 a.m,†Gilda responded.
Puzzled with this, Ruth said, “Let’s get this straight. You pee every morning at 6 a.m. and poop every morning at 6:30 a.m. So what’s so tough about being 80?â€
“I don’t wake up until 7.â€
Three bulls hear the rancher is bringing another bull onto the ranch, and will most likely be reassigning cows to each one.
The first bull says to the others, “I’ve been here five years. I’m not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows.â€
“I’ve been here three years,†says the second bull, “and have earned my right to 50 cows. I’m keeping all my cows.â€
“I’ve only been here a year,†the third bull says, “and so far, you guys have only let me have ten cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I’m keeping all 10 of my cows.â€
Just then, an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they’ve ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.
Terrified, the bulls immediately change tack. “I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend,†the first bull offers.
“I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I’m certainly not looking for an argument,†the second says.
They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.
“Son, don’t be foolish, let him have some of your cows and live to tell the tale,†the first bull urges.
“Hell, he can have all my cows, the third bull responds. I’m just making sure he knows I’m a bull.â€
Dudge was invited out for a night with “the boys.â€
Dudge told his wife that he’d be home by midnight, “Promise!â€
The hours passed and the beer went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, he headed home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times.
Quickly, Dudge realized his wife would probably wake up, so he cuckooed another nine times.
Dudge was really proud of himself, coming up with such a quick-witted solution, even when completely trashed, to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning his wife asked him what time he got in, and he told her 12 o’clock. She didn’t seem disturbed at all. Whew, the man thought, got away with that one!
She then told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock.
When Dudge asked her why she said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said ‘oh shower,’ cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.â€
(https://i.gyazo.com/3ba19a87f66f8e876913966cd1a6e169.png)
Some of the older members will get this one.
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A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.
The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable for the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy,’ and I would nod my head and say ‘Yes, it was.’
The men would ask, ‘Can I borrow that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t, it’s all booked up for a year.’â€
A judge was interviewing a blonde woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?â€
The blonde woman replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.â€
“No,†he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?â€
“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,†she responded.
“I mean,†he continued, “What are your relations like?â€
“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.â€
He said, “Do you have a real grudge?â€
“No,†she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.â€
“Please,†he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?â€
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.â€
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?â€
“Yes,†she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.â€
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?â€
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,†she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!â€
Dearest Son,
I’m writing this slow ’cause I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won’t be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn’t have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven’t seen ’em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn’t make the final payment on Grandma’s funeral bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don’t know if you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn’t get the tail gate down.
Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don’t get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
Love, Ma
One for the oldies
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This one is for all the married people who need a laugh this morning!
Don’t take life so seriously and make sure you show the world your smile. Life’s too short to be upset all the time.
A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She suspects that he’s preparing a surprise for her since today is their 20th wedding anniversary, so she puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
“What’s the matter, dear?†she whispers as she steps into the room, “You haven’t been sitting here all night, have you!?â€
The husband looks up from his drink, “It’s the 20th Anniversary of the day we met.â€
She can’t believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15,†he said solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
“Yes, I do,†she replies.
The husband pauses… The words were not coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?â€
“Yes, I remember,†said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued, “Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?â€
“I remember that too,†she replied softly…
He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, “I would have gotten out today.â€
A pastor entered his prize donkey in a race and it won!
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered in another race and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races.
The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES THE PASTOR’S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline: NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN .
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the headlines read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run free.
The next day the headlines read : NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
They buried the Bishop the next day.
It’s not offensive at all, if you can keep your mind out of the gutter!
One day, Timmy comes home early from school, and walks inside to see his mom on top of his dad â€" both naked. Timmy just stares, confused as to what they’re doing.
The mom says, “Timmy? Go to your room, I’ll be up in a bit.â€
So Timmy goes upstairs to his room. Later his mom comes up and sits down next to him.
She asks, “Timmy, what did you see?â€
Timmy replies, “I saw you and dad naked, and you were on top of him, bouncing up and down.â€
So, Timmy’s mom thinks about what to tell him, since she has to go grocery shopping and doesn’t have the time to explain sex right now. Then, an idea comes to her mind.
“Is that all you saw, you have no idea what we were doing?â€
“That’s all I saw and I have no idea.â€
“Well Timmy, when you get older like your father and I, you need to exercise. When your father’s belly gets too big and full of air, we get naked and I go on top of your father. Then I push my hands on his gut, bouncing up and down to take all the air out to make him skinny again.â€
Timmy starts laughing, so his puzzled mother asks him, “What’s so funny?â€
Still giggling, he says, “That’s not going to work! Every time you’re gone, the babysitter just blows him back up again.â€
Mom really should have let him finish the story before she tried to get tricky!
Little Johnny sees his daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car, and sees daddy and aunt Jane sharing a ‘passionate moment.’
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
“Mommy, Mommy, I was at the playground and daddy and….†Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. “I was at the playground and I saw daddy’s car go into the woods with aunt Jane. I went to look and daddy was giving aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then aunt Jane helped daddy take his pants off, then aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then daddy…â€
At this point, mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for when we’re having dinner. I want to see the look on daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.â€
At the dinner table, mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.
“Well, I was at the playground, and I saw daddy’s car go into the woods with aunt Jane. I followed them to see what they were doing, and then I saw how daddy gave aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then aunt Jane helped daddy take off his pants, and then daddy and aunt Jane did that same thing mommy and uncle Jack used to do when daddy was in the Army.â€
Then mom fainted.
A man was talking to his best friend about his married life.
“You know,†he says, “I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me, but there’s always that doubt. There’s always that little doubt.â€
“Yeah, I know what you mean,†his friend replies.
“Well, buddy, I’ve got to leave on a business trip this weekend, and I wonder… well… would you watch my house while I’m gone? I trust her, it’s just that there’s always that doubt.â€
The friend agreed to help out and two weeks later gave his report.
“I’ve got some bad news for you,†says the friend. “The evening after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. A man got out of the car and went in the house and had dinner with your wife. After dinner they went upstairs and I saw your wife kissing him. Then, he took off his shirt and she took off her top and bra. And then the light went out.â€
“Then what happened?†said the husband, his eyes opening wide.
“Well, I don’t know,†replied the friend, “it was too dark to see.â€
“Damn!†roared the husband. “You see what I mean? There’s always that doubt!â€
Not really a joke as we can all relate to it.
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Clever response, right?
"An older couple was out in the country on a holiday. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning ma’am. What are you doing?â€
“Reading a book,†she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that obvious?â€)
“You’re in a restricted fishing area,†he informs her.
“I’m sorry about that officer, but I’m not fishing, I’m reading.â€
“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.â€
“For reading a book?†asked the woman.
“Yes, this is a restricted fishing area.â€
The woman throws up her hands, “but I’m not fishing, I’m just reading.â€
“Yes, but you have all the equipment. You’re gonna have to come with me.â€
“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,†says the woman.
“But I haven’t even touched you,†says the game warden.
“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.â€
The game warden says, “Have a nice day, ma’am,†and leaves.
A little girl picks up the phone.
“Hello?â€
“Hi, honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?†Daddy asks.
“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.â€
After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But, honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.â€
“Oh, yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.â€
Dad takes a second to process this, then speaks. “Uh, OK, then this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.â€
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it, Daddy!â€
“And what happened, honey?†he asked.
“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!â€
“Oh my God! What about your Uncle Paul?â€
“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.â€
A long, silent pause.
Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool? … Is this 486-5731?â€
Woopsies!
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Not really a joke but obviously sign writer did not think through.
Hey, makes sense when you think about it!
Father O’Flannagan dies due to old age. Upon entering St. Peter’s gate, there is another man in front of him in the queue waiting to go into heaven. St. Peter asks the man, “What is your name what did you accomplish during your life?â€
The man responds “My name is Joe Cohen, and I was a New York city taxi driver for 14 years!â€
“Very well,†says St. Peter, “Here is your silk robe and golden scepter, now you may walk in the streets of our Lord.â€
St. Peter looks at the Father, and asks “What is your name and what did you accomplish?â€
He responds, “I’m Father O’Flannagan, and have devoted the last 62 years to the Lord.â€
“Very well,†says St. Peter, “Here is your cotton robe and wooden staff, you may enter.â€
“Wait a minute,†says O’Flannagan, “You gave the taxi driver a silk robe and golden scepter, why did I only get a cotton robe and wooden staff?â€
“Well,†St. Peter replied, “We work on a performance scale. While you preached, everyone slept, but when he drove taxis, everyone prayed!â€
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Suspect not everyone will get this Dad Joke.
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It’s just a joke! Don’t worry! Be Happy!
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, “This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say ‘1-2-3.’ When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.â€
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, “How do I stop the medicine from working?â€
“Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,'†the medicine man responded, “but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.â€
The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, “1-2-3!â€
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked, “What was the 1-2-3 for?â€
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
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Here’s a good one that had me cracking up!
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings, and a man puts the phone on speaker and begins to talk as he puts on his golf shoes. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Man: “Hello?â€
Woman: “Honey, its me. Are you at the club?â€
Man: “Yes.â€
Woman: “I’m at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only 1200 dollars right now, down from 1900. Is it okay if I buy it?â€
Man: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.â€
Woman: “Oh, thanks so very much. I also stopped by the Mercedes garage this morning and saw the new models. There was one that I really, really liked.â€
Man: “How much?â€
Woman: “80.000.â€
Man: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the optional extras.â€
Woman: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house that we looked at last year is back on the market. They’re asking 1,500,000.â€
Man: “Well then, go ahead and make them an offer, but no more than 1,250,000.â€
Woman: “Wow, great! I’ll see you later! I love you!â€
Man: “Love you too, bye!â€
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in absolute astonishment.
Then he smiles and asks, “Anyone know whose phone this is?â€
Sometimes it helps to be strong, and other times it helps to be witty!
A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day while in bed with her boyfriend, she hears her husband’s car pull into the driveway.
She yells at the boyfriend, “Quick! Grab your clothes and jump out of the window. My husband has arrived home early!â€
The boyfriend looked out the window and said, “It’s raining like hell out there!â€
She said, “If my husband finds you here, he’ll kill us both!â€
So the boyfriend grabs his clothes and jumps out of the window naked. A group of marathon runners were just passing, so he decides to run along with them, carrying his clothes on his arm.
Curious, one of the runners asked him, “Do you always run with no clothes on?â€
Gasping for air, he answered, “Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin.â€
Another runner then asked the nude man, “Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?â€
Now breathlessly, the nude man replied, “Oh yes. That way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!â€
The runner then asked, “Do you always wear a condom when you run?â€
The nude man replied, “Only when it’s raining!â€
Louie and Rose lived in an old folks’ retirement community, he a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another.
As the meal went on, Louie took a few admiring glances at Rose and finally gathered the courage to ask her: “Will you marry me?â€
After about six seconds of ‘careful consideration,’ she answered “Yes. Yes, I will.â€
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.
Next morning, Louie was troubled. “Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?†He couldn’t remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called Rose. First, he explained that he didn’t remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?â€
He was delighted to hear Rose say, “Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.â€
Then she continued, “I am so glad that you called, because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.â€
Two elderly gents, Dudge and Grazz, had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, with their declining physical fitness and somewhat slower mental capacity, their activities had been limited to playing darts a few times a week.
One day when playing darts, Grazz looked at Dudge and said, “Now don’t get mad at me. I know we’ve been friends a long time, but I just can’t think of your name. I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please remind me what your name is.â€
Dudge glared at Grazz. For at least three minutes he just stared and glared.
Finally he said, “How soon do you need to know?â€
Quote from: Ringo on August 10, 2017, 09:27:59 AM
Two elderly gents, Dudge and Grazz, had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, with their declining physical fitness and somewhat slower mental capacity, their activities had been limited to playing darts a few times a week.
One day when playing darts, Grazz looked at Dudge and said, “Now don’t get mad at me. I know we’ve been friends a long time, but I just can’t think of your name. I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please remind me what your name is.â€
Dudge glared at Grazz. For at least three minutes he just stared and glared.
Finally he said, “How soon do you need to know?â€
Haha Ringo, not quite at that stage yet,( won't be long though ) but i did call my lads new girlfriend by his ex'es name once. Not a good thing to do let me tell you
Farmer Steve decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer interrogated Farmer Steve.
“Didn’t you say at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?â€â€˜ asked the lawyer.
Farmer Steve responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Suzie into the…â€
“I didn’t ask for any details,†the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?’â€
Farmer Steve said, “Well, I had just got Suzie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…â€
The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.â€
By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Steve’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say.â€
Farmer Steve thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Suzie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Suzie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ol’ Suzie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Suzie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.â€
“He said, ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?â€
“Now what the hell would you say?â€
A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him, smiled and said, “Hello. My name is Carmen.â€
“That’s a beautiful name,†he replied. “Is it a family name?â€
“No,†she replied. “As a matter of fact, I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most â€" cars and men. Therefore, I chose ‘Carmen.'â€
“Is that so?†the man asked, highly amused.
“It is,†she nodded, then asked, “What’s your name?â€
Without missing a beat, he answered, “B. J. Titsengolf.â€
A 96 year old retired reverend is at his yearly health check-up. All tests came back looking good, and the doctor sits down to discuss the results with him.
“Well, Eric, physiologically everything looks good. How are you doing emotionally and mentally? Are you feeling content, and how’s your faith these days?†asks the Doctor.
The reverend responds, “God and I are on great terms. He knows that I see so poorly these days, so now whenever I go to the bathroom at night, then ‘poof’ â€" the light turns on! And when I’m done peeing, then ‘poof’ â€" the light turns off again!â€
“Fantastic! That sounds marvelous,†says the doctor.
A couple of days later the doctor calls Eric’s wife:
“Good day, Anna. Eric’s vitals are looking good, and he seems to be doing well. The reason for my call is his relation to God. Is it really true that whenever he goes to empty his bladder at night, then ‘poof’ â€" the bathroom light turns on? And when he’s done, then ‘poof’ â€" the light turns off again?â€
Eric’s wife sighs:
“That old fool. He has started peeing in the fridge again…â€
A ship was traveling in a dangerous part of the sea. The captain saw a pirate ship approaching their vessel.
The captain yells to his crew, “Men, bring me my red shirt!â€
The crew brings him his red shirt, he puts it on, and leads the men in battle. They lose one man, but on the whole it was a great victory. Everyone wonders what the deal is with the red shirt, but they just shrug it off.
A few days later, the captain sees 2 pirate ships in the distance.
He again yells, “Men, bring me my red shirt!â€
The crew does so, and they fight off the pirates. They lose a few more men this time, but at least most of them are unharmed.
However, this time curiosity got the best of them, and they ask the Captain why he’s asked for his red shirt during the battles. He answers, “Well crew, I know all of you look to me for support and morale. I knew there would be a good chance of me getting injured, and I didn’t want you to see me all bloody and fear that all is lost. Therefore I put on a red shirt so that my injuries will blend in with the shirt.â€
A few weeks later, the ship is traveling in another sea, and in the distance, there are suddenly 10 fearsome pirate ships.
The captain spots them and yells, “Men, bring me my brown pants!â€
A manager at a grocery store had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four women in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, “What is the fastest thing you can think of?â€
The first woman replied, “A thought! It just pops into your head. There’s no warning.â€
“That’s very good!†replied the interviewer. “And, now you, what’s the fastest thing you can think of?†he asked the second woman.
“Hmmm, let’s see… A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.â€
“Excellent!†said the interviewer. “The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliché for speed.â€
He then turned to the third woman, who was contemplating her reply.
“Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.â€
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found the person for the job. “True, it’s hard to beat the speed of light,†he said.
The interviewer then turned to the fourth candidate, who was a 19 year old blonde, and posed the same question.
She replied, “After hearing the previous three answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing is diarrhea.â€
“WHAT!?†said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
“Oh sure,†said the blonde, “you see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I had already crapped my pants.â€
A teacher is trying to teach good manners to her third-grade students.
She turned to her class and said, “Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?â€
Michael said, “Just a minute, I have to go pee.â€
The teacher responded by saying, “Well, that would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?â€
Sherman said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.â€
“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you behave for once and show us your good manners?â€
Johnny said, “I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.â€
That’s when the teacher fainted…
Give that kid an A+!
A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where Mother Superior was taking a shower.
“There is a blind man to see you,†the nun announced.
“Send him to my quarters,†Mother Superior replied, thinking there was no need to hurry and get dressed if he was blind.
The blind man walks into her room, and Mother Superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on.
Several minutes later, the man interrupts: “That’s nice and all, ma’am, but really, you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?â€
Quote from: Ringo on August 10, 2017, 09:27:59 AM
Two elderly gents, Dudge and Grazz, had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, with their declining physical fitness and somewhat slower mental capacity, their activities had been limited to playing darts a few times a week.
One day when playing darts, Grazz looked at Dudge and said, “Now don’t get mad at me. I know we’ve been friends a long time, but I just can’t think of your name. I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please remind me what your name is.â€
Dudge glared at Grazz. For at least three minutes he just stared and glared.
Finally he said, “How soon do you need to know?â€
Pretty much already happening except it's Dudge last few games asking me, you barbie ?
In a quiet voice I reply no i'm Graham remember. :P
A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
“Officer,†the man began, “I can explain.â€
“Just be quiet,†snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.â€
“But, officer, I just want to sayâ€"â€
“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!â€
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you, the police chief’s at his daughter’s wedding… He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.â€
“Don’t count on it,†answered the defeated fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.â€
Enjoy the political sattire
(https://i.gyazo.com/2d46ac85e5a4a09f6910cfcfd86afb93.png)
A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree.
He called a gorilla removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.
“Now listen carefully,†he told the homeowner, “I’m going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground.
The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap the handcuffs on.â€
“Ok, got it,†the homeowner replied, “but… what’s that shotgun for?â€
“If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla,†the man said, “shoot the Chihuahua.â€
Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a small plane landing at their ‘secret’ base.
They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot’s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the base just as he was about to run out of fuel.
The Air Force started a full background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy.
They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying “you-did-not-see-a-base†briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same plane showed up again. Once again, the soldiers surrounded the plane… Only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, “Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!â€
Joe was an old-fashioned man, and wasn’t exactly out there walking in Pride parades in his free time. One day at breakfast, his oldest daughter gathered up her courage and decided to come out of the closet.
“Dad, I have to tell you something: I’m a lesbian.â€
The father put down his newspaper and looked at her. “Hmm… are you sure?â€
“Yes, Dad.â€
The dad looked a little uneasy, but remained calm and said, “Okay, well, no matter what, you’re still my daughter.â€
Upon seeing that the father’s reaction wasn’t as bad as she had feared, the younger sister Lisa also piped up, “Dad, I’m a lesbian too.â€
The dad frowned and loudly exclaimed, “Damn it, doesn’t anyone in this house like boys?â€
The son raised his hand.
7 year old little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.
“Not yet,†said little Johnny.
“There’ll be no breakfast until you’ve done your chores, young man,†she tells him.
Little Johnny gets a little sulky at this, so when he goes to feed the chickens, he kicks one of them to take out his frustration on something.
He goes to feed the cows, and while doing so he kicks a cow. On the way back to the house he goes to feed the pigs, and kicks a pig who happens to get in his way.
He goes back in for breakfast, but to his surprise his mother only gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
“How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?†he asks.
“Well,†his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren’t getting any milk for a week.â€
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and almost trips over the cat. His father regains his balance, turns around and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?â€
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. â€"
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills
back
on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think,
since I’m going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the
can of Pepsi I’d been drinking.
I’m going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.
The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eyeâ€"they need water.
I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I’ve been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I’m going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I’ll be looking for the remote,
but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I’ll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn’t washed
the bills aren’t paid
there is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don’t have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can’t find the remote,
I can’t find my glasses,
and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all the damn day,
and I’m really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
and I’ll try to get some help for it,
but first I’ll check my e-mail….
Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don’t remember who the hell I’ve sent it to.
Don’t laugh â€" if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming!!
Two rules: Nobody is better than anybody; and everybody love everybody!
An American on vacation in Paris is having breakfast at a cafe one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him.
The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: “You American folk eat the whole bread?â€
American: “Of course.â€
Frenchman keeps loudly chewing his gum, and says, “We don’t. In France, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, remake them into croissants and sell them to the States.â€
The Frenchman has a smirk on his face. The American listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: “Do you eat jelly with your bread?â€
American: “Of course.â€
The Frenchman keeps chewing his gum, and says, “We don’t. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, remake them into jam, and sell the jam to the States.â€
After a moment of silence, the American then asks: “Do you have sex in France?â€
Frenchman: “Why of course we do,†he says with a big smirk.
American: “And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?â€
Frenchman: “We throw them away, of course.â€
American: “We don’t. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France.â€
3 cheers for the farmer
A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic built up at an alarming rate.
The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriff’s office and said, “You’ve got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens.â€
“What do you want me to do?†asked the sheriff.
“I don’t care, just do something about these crazy drivers!â€
So the next day, the county workers erected a sign that said, “SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSINGâ€
Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, “You’ve got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing’ sign seems to make them go even faster.â€
So, again, the sheriff sent out the county workers and they put up a new sign: “SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAYâ€
But that sped the drivers up even more!
So the farmer kept calling, and the sheriff kept changing the signs.
Finally, the farmer said to the sheriff, “Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?â€
The sheriff was ready to let the man do just about anything if it would get him to stop calling every day. He said, “Sure thing, put up whatever you want.â€
And after that, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer.
Three weeks later, the sheriff’s curiosity got the best him and he decided to give the farmer a call. “How’s the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?â€
“Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I’ve got to go. I’m very busy,†he said, hanging up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, “I’d better go out there and take a look at that sign. … It might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers …â€
So the sheriff drove out to the farmer’s house, and his jaw nearly hit the floor at what he saw.
There, printed neatly on a sheet of plywood was the farmer’s sign:
“SLOW: NUDIST COLONY â€" WATCH FOR CHICKSâ€
A man, 75-year-old Earl, walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist, an uptight lady, said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?â€
“There’s something wrong with my johnson,†he replied. Several people turned their heads to look at him, surprised.
The receptionist, embarrassed at the situation, said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.â€
“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,†Earl said.
The receptionist replied, “Now you have caused needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.â€
The man replied, “You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.†He then walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly. “Yes?â€
“There’s something wrong with my ear,†Earl stated loudly.
The receptionist nodded approvingly, knowing he had taken her advice. “What is wrong with your ear, sir?â€
“I can’t piss out of it,†he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
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I think it’s safe to say wives and husbands get on each others nerves, and sometimes it’s intentional. But, maybe the men enjoy it a little more than the women. Here’s one husband’s account of how he successfully gets on his wife’s nerves:
My wife and I were watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?†while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?†“No,†she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?†She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.â€
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.â€
And that’s when the fight started….
I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?â€
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!†she said.
So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?â€
And that’s when the fight started….
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.â€
My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?â€
And that’s when the fight started….
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.â€
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?â€
“Nah, she can order for herself.â€
And that’s when the fight started….
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, “Do you know her?â€
“Yes,†I sighed, “She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.â€
“My God!†said my wife, “who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?â€
And that’s when the fight started….
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt.†So I opened my shirt, revealing my curly silver hair. She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me.†and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.â€
And that’s when the fight started….
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!â€
And that’s when the fight started….
(https://i.gyazo.com/c6262a08238c2fbb6217acc7206c0fc2.png)
Agnes married and had 13 children.
When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children.
Again, her husband passed away. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children before her third husband died as well.
Alas, she herself died eventually.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman. “Lord, at long last, they are finally together,†he announced solemnly.
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?â€
The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.â€
A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled.
A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk front. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.†The agent replied, “I am sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.â€
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?â€
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: “May I have your attention, please,†she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. “We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14.â€
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore “F*** you!â€
Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to get in line for that, too.â€
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
Dear Wife,
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years but I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. … And then your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today…ughhh that was the last straw!
Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, I had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate quickly in just 2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, Later for you….I’m gone!
Your EX-Husband
P.S. don’t try to find me. Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
His now ex-wife responded in kind…
Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. In the hellish 7 years that we have been married, a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone…and all I found was your lousy letter.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. By the way, I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was actually born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, â€" when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.
Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year? Your Humble Client And remember: Don’t make old people mad. We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to p**s us off.
Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.
The first declares: “I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter’s room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn’t even know that she smoked!â€
“That’s not so bad,†says the second mother. “I was tidying my daughter’s room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn’t even know that she drank!â€
“Oh, it gets even worse than that,†says the third mother. “I was tidying my daughter’s room last week and you’ll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms! I didn’t even know that she had a penis!â€
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, “you do God’s work.â€
The next morning, the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
Some time later, a police officer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, “you protect the public.â€
The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A few days later, a lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, “you serve the justice system.â€
The next morning, the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.
n grade school one day, the teacher decided that for science class she would teach about the elements. So she stood in front of the class and said, “Children, if you could have one raw element in the world what would it be?â€
Alec raised his hand and said, “I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche.â€
The teacher nodded and called on Penny.
Penny said, “I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette.â€
The teacher smiled and then called on Jimmy.
Jimmy stood up and said, “I would want silicon.â€
“Why is that, Jimmy?†the teacher asked.
He responded by saying, “Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!â€
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.â€
“What?†said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?â€
“Well, husband #1 was a sales representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be but never delivered.
Husband #2 was in software services, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing, although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist, all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist, all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was… God! I miss him!
… But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!â€
“Good,†said the new husband, “but, why?â€
“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!â€
A police station got two new horses, and two cops were assigned to be mounted police officers. They went on a ride and came back pleased.
“This horse is great! From now on I’ll always take this one,†said the first cop.
“My horse’s great too. So I’ll always take it too,†replied the second cop.
“But how do we know which is which?â€
They thought about it for a minute or two, until one of them came up with an idea. “Let’s shorten this one’s tail!â€
The other cop agreed, and they gave the horse’s tail a thorough trimming.
The next morning, they found the police chief standing in front of the horses looking really mad. The two officers asked him what was wrong.
“You two morons shortened this beautiful horse’s tail, that’s what’s wrong!â€
“But otherwise, we couldn’t tell them apart,†one of the cops protested.
To which the chief angrily replied, “Can’t you see the black one is a bit taller than the brown one?!â€
Terry and his wife Darcy were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment for a few days now.
But on Sunday night, Terry realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5 a.m. for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence â€" and ‘lose’ â€" he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5 a.m.†He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, Terry woke up, only to discover it was 9 a.m. and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why Darcy hadn’t awakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, “It is 5 a.m. Wake up.â€
Joe had been having horrible headaches, so he went to see his doctor.
The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.â€
Joe was shocked and depressed, but in the end he came to the conclusion that he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need. A new suit.â€
He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.â€
The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, “Let’s see, size 44 long.â€
Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?â€
“Been in the business 60 years!†the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit, and it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?â€
Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.â€
The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.â€
Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?â€
“Been in the business 60 years.â€
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?â€
Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.â€
The salesman said, “Let’s see, size 36.â€
Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.â€
The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.â€
It was Harvey’s 40th birthday and he really didn’t feel like waking up that morning.
He managed to pull himself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping his wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!†and possibly have a small present for him.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.†He thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They would remember.
His kids came trampling down the stairs, ate their breakfast, and didn’t say a word to him. So when he made it out of the house and started for work, Harvey felt pretty dumpy and despondent.
As he walked into his office, his secretary Annabelle said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!†It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered.
He worked in zombie-like fashion until about one o’clock, when Annabelle knocked on his door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your birthday. Why don’t we go out for lunch, just you and me.â€
Harvey said, “Thanks, Annabelle, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!â€
They went to lunch but not where they’d normally go. Instead she took him to a quiet bistro with a private table. They had a couple of mixed drinks and Harvey enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Annabelle said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t have to go right back to the office, do we?â€
Harvey replied with, “I suppose not. What do you have in mind?â€
She said, “Let’s go to my apartment, it’s just around the corner.â€
After arriving at her apartment, Annabelle turned to him and said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.â€
“Okay,†he nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…
Followed by Harvey’s wife, kids, and dozens of his friends and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday.â€
And Harvey just sat there…
On the couch…
Naked.
The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn’t know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I started jumping up and down along with her.
She said, “I have some really great news!â€
I said, “Great. Tell me why you’re so happy.â€
She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew she had been trying for a while so I told her, “That’s great! I couldn’t be happier for you!â€
Then she said, “There’s more…â€
So I asked, “What do you mean ‘more’?â€
She said, “Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!â€
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said…
“Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!â€
A flight is on its way to Sydney, when a blonde in economy class gets up, moves to the first class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket. She then informs the blonde that she has only paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here.â€
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo who has an economy ticket but is sitting in first class, and won’t move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy, she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here.â€
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.
The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.â€
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she then says, “Oh, I’m sorry†and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
The pilot replies, “I told her that first class isn’t going to Sydney.â€
This one goes out to all the people with in-laws that drive them crazy. This story is for you!
A Jewish man was leaving a Staten Island convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.
The Jewish man raised his eyebrows. He’d never seen anything like it â€" two hearses and hundreds of men walking in line â€" and after a while his curiosity got the better of him.
He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?â€
“My wife’s.â€
â€I see, my condolences. What happened to her?â€
“She yelled at me, and suddenly my dog attacked and killed her.â€
He inquired further, “Ah. And who is in the second hearse?â€
“My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also.â€
It was a very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood. Silence passed between the two men.
The Jewish man then asked, “Can I borrow the dog?â€
The Italian man replied, “Get in line.â€
A pastor entered his prize donkey in a race and it won!
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered in another race and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races.
The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES THE PASTOR’S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline: NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN .
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the headlines read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run free.
The next day the headlines read : NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
They buried the Bishop the next day.
It’s not offensive at all, if you can keep your mind out of the gutter!
A nun walks into the Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.
“What troubles you, Sister?†asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.â€
“It was,†sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.â€
“I seem to recall that,†the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?â€
“Far from it,†snorted the Sister. “In fact, I took the Lord’s name in vain today!â€
“Goodness, Sister!†gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!â€
“Well, we were on the fifth tee â€" and this hole is a monster, Mother â€" 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green … and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted … and it hits a bird in mid-flight!â€
“Oh my!†commiserated the Mother Superior. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!â€
“No, that wasn’t it,†admitted the Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!â€
“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!†sympathized the Mother Superior.
“But I didn’t, Mother!†sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!â€
“So that’s when you cursed,†said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.
“Nope, that wasn’t it either,†cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!â€
The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said …
“You missed the fâ€" putt, didn’t you?â€
Was tempted to modify to use FF members but discretion is better.
Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer-hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were longtime members of a hunting camp.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.â€
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, “Nope, ain’t Stanley.â€
The mortician thought this was rather strange, so he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, “Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.â€
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, “No, it ain’t Stanley.â€
The mortician asked, “How can you tell?â€
Gomer said, “Well, Stanley had two assholes.â€
“What! Two assholes?†asked the mortician.
“Yup, we never seen ’em, but everybody used to say, there’s Stanley with them two assholes.â€
An older couple was out in the country on a holiday. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning ma’am. What are you doing?â€
“Reading a book,†she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that obvious?â€)
“You’re in a restricted fishing area,†he informs her.
“I’m sorry about that officer, but I’m not fishing, I’m reading.â€
“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.â€
“For reading a book?†asked the woman.
“Yes, this is a restricted fishing area.â€
The woman throws up her hands, “but I’m not fishing, I’m just reading.â€
“Yes, but you have all the equipment. You’re gonna have to come with me.â€
“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,†says the woman.
“But I haven’t even touched you,†says the game warden.
“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.â€
The game warden says, “Have a nice day, ma’am,†and leaves.
A New Yorker and his wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the 9 kids are able to fit on the bus. After hearing about the predicament, the blind man lets the children get on instead of him. The wife asks her husband to take their youngest in the baby carriage and walk home.
Since the blind man had been such a gentleman and let the family get on instead of him, the New Yorker decides that he’ll take a detour and walk the blind man home.
As the bus drove off, the two men started to walk while the baby slept.
After a while, the baby woke up from the sound of the blind man’s stick hitting the sidewalk, and started crying.
The father, already irritated from missing the bus, got even more frustrated.
He said, â€Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That sound is driving me crazy!â€
The blind man replied, â€If you had put rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we’d be riding the bus!â€
A boastful lawyer had just bought a shiny new sports car, and he was eager to show it off to all his colleagues.
He parked by the side of the road and opened the driver’s side door, when all of a sudden an eighteen-wheeler truck came out of nowhere and took of the driver’s side door with it.
“NOOO! My Jaguar, my Jaguar!†the lawyer screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same.
A police officer saw the car without a door and came over to check out if the man was OK. The lawyer ran up to him yelling, “MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!â€
“You’re a lawyer, aren’t you?†asked the officer.
“Yes, I am, but what does that have to do with my car?!?†the lawyer asked.
The officer replied, “HA! You lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your prestige and your possessions. You must have been holding the car door when it got hit â€" I bet you didn’t even notice that your left arm is missing, did you?â€
The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed, “MY ROLEX!â€
A kindergarten teacher was helping one of her students put his boots on. He had asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on.
When the second boot was on, she was nearly out of breath.
She almost whimpered when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.â€
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as they worked together to get the boots back on â€" this time on the right feet.
He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.â€
She bit her tongue rather than scream, “Why didn’t you say so earlier?†like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.
He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear them.â€
She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, “Now, where are your gloves?â€
He said, “I stuffed them in the toes of my boots…â€
When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn’t let him in until he proved his identity.
Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations and was admitted into paradise.
When Picasso died, St. Peter asked, “How do I know you’re Picasso?â€
Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter was convinced and let him in.
When Paris Hilton died, she went to heaven and met the man at the gates. “How can you prove to me you’re Paris Hilton?†Saint Peter said.
“Well gosh, I don’t know,†Hilton replied.
“Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you’re Paris Hilton?â€
“Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?†Hilton asked.
To which St. Peter replied, “It must be you, Paris, c’mon on in.â€
A man from Texas is vacationing in Mexico, and spends his day roaming around, taking in the sight. In the evening he goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner.
As he sits there sipping his tequila, he notices that the couple at the table next to him are being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle.
When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish.
The waiter replied, “Ah, Señor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning. A real delicacy!â€
The Texan said, “Well, what the heck, bring me an order.â€
The waiter replied, “I am so sorry, Señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.â€
The next morning, the man returned, placed his order, and that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.â€
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si, Señor. Sometimes the bull wins.â€
A young woman had a flat tire on the interstate.
She eased her car over to the shoulder of the road carefully, got out of the car and opened the trunk.
She took out two cardboard women, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of her car facing oncoming traffic. They looked so lifelike you wouldn’t believe it! They were in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.
As she expected, cars started slowing down looking at her lifelike ladies. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting horns and waving like crazy.
It wasn’t long before a state trooper pulled up behind her. He got out of his car and started walking toward her. He was definitely not happy.
“What’s going on here?†he asked.
“My car has a flat tire,†the woman said calmly.
“Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard women doing here by the road?â€
The lady looked flabbergasted that he didn’t know.
“Hellooooo, those are my emergency flashers!â€
(https://i.gyazo.com/b9394d3f9049de788470579abb1761f1.png)
Think he guessed right :) :)
A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home.
At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home â€" and left the cat there.
Hours later, the man called home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?â€
“Yesâ€, the wife replied, “why do you ask?â€
Frustrated, the man answered, “Put that son of a b*!ch on the phone, I’m lost and need directions!â€
A group of people from the city came to visit a farm to know more about how it works. The farmer greeted them and started showing them around, explaining this and that.
As they reached the animals in the pasture, a young lady in the group spoke up.
“Why doesn’t this cow have any horns?†she asked.
The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, “Well, ma’am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep ’em trimmed down with a hacksaw.
Other times we can fix up the young ‘uns by puttin’ a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops ‘em cold.
Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns.
But the reason this cow don’t have no horns, ma’am, is ’cause it’s a horse.â€
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, little Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom to get him to breathe. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, “He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place. … Smack his butt again!â€
After an examination, a doctor sighed and told his patient, “I’ve got some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.â€
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
“Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have cancer. So, let’s head to the club and have a martini.â€
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis.
They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, “I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS.†The friends, aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, “Mom, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??â€
“Because I don’t want any of those bâ€"tches sleeping with your father after I’m gone.â€
Can I just ask everyone a huge favour?
Those of you who are planning to put Christmas lights in your front gardens please can you avoid anything red or blue & flashing? Every time I drive past, I think it's the cops & have a mild panic attack.
I have to remove my foot from the accelerator, slam on the brakes, put my seat belt on, throw my phone on the floor, hide my bottle of wine, swallow my joint, & shove the gun under the seat.
It's a major drama. I really appreciate your cooperation & understanding
A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...
"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!
A woman goes into Cabela’s to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?†He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.â€
She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, “That’s a 6-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-pound test line. It’s a good all-around combination, and it’s on sale this week for only $20.â€
She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!â€
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. “Oh, that sounds like a MasterCard,†he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around?
The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.â€
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20? How did you get $34.50?â€
He replies, “Yes, ma’am. The rod and reel is $20, but the Duck Call is $11, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.â€
She paid it and left without saying a word.
Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner. Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a beer and watching the game.
“Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broken, and if you don’t fix it the food will go bad,†Kate said.
Paul yelled back, “Who do I look like, the PG&E man? I don’t think so.â€
A little while later, Kate said, “Honey, you need to fix the hall light, it’s out.â€
“Who do I look like, an electrician? I don’t think so,†Paul retorted.
A few hours later, Kate said, “Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it.â€
Paul quickly replied, “Who do I look like, a carpenter? I don’t think so.â€
Frustrated from all the requests, Paul gets up and leaves. He decides to go to a bar down the road. After the game was over, he began to feel slightly guilty for the way he treated his wife, so he went on home.
He came up the porch and realized that the step was fixed. He walked into the house and noticed that the hall light was fixed. He walked into the kitchen to get a cold beer and noticed that the fridge was fixed.
“Babe, how did you fix all this?†Paul asked his wife.
She looked at him and explained, “Well after you left I began to cry on the porch. A fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying, and he asked me what he could do to help.
He fixed everything. I asked him what I could do for payment. He said I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him.â€
“Well, what kind of cake did you bake him?†Paul asked.
Kate looked at him and replied, “Who do I look like, Betty Crocker? I don’t think so!â€
A man walks into a watering hole with a large box and takes a seat at the bar. The bartender, curious, asks, “What’s in the box?â€
The man says, “I’ll show you if you get me a free beer.â€
So the bartender gets the man a beer. The man drinks it, then pulls out a minuscule little man and a matching piano. The little man promptly starts playing the little piano.
“Hey, that’s pretty cool,†the bartender says. “Where did you get that?â€
The man says, “I’ll tell you if you get me another beer.â€
So the bartender gets the man another beer. The man drinks it. “I got it from a genie in a lamp,†he finally reveals.
Fully invested now, the bartender says, “If you let me borrow that lamp, I’ll give you another beer.â€
“Sure!†the man answers. The bartender gets him another beer, and the man hands the bartender the lamp.
The bartender rubs the lamp and sure enough, a genie pops out.
“You are now my master,†the genie announces. “I will grant you one wish. What will it be?â€
The bartender immediately says, “I wish for a million bucks!â€
All of a sudden, a million ducks start flying into the room.
“What the heck is this!†screams the bartender, attempting to chase them out. “I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks!â€
The man, still sitting at the bar, responds, “Do you really think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?â€
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,†and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?â€
“I’ll have the same,†says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
“That will be $6.40 please,†and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,†and the ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.â€
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
“The usual?†asks the waitress.
“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad,†says the man, “same for me,†says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, “That will be $12.62.†Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer.
“Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?â€
“Well,†says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.â€
“That’s brilliant!†says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!â€
“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,†says the man.
The waitress asks, “One other thing, sir, what’s with the ostrich?â€
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.â€
Think about this next time you have a bad day!
There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
“Well, whatcha gonna do about it?†he says, menacingly, as I suddenly burst into tears.
“Oh, come on, man,†the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying.â€
“This is the worst day of my life,†I say. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me.â€
“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jackass, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how’s your day going?â€
Walking upstairs with a load of laundry one evening, Tess heard soft murmuring as she walked by her daughter’s open bedroom door.
Peeking inside quietly, she saw her little girl kneeling on the floor near her bed. She was praying.
Tess didn’t understand where this behavior was coming from, as their family was not a particularly religious one.
“Please, God,†Penny kept saying over and over. Her mother hovered in the doorway, trying to understand why her daughter was praying.
Finally the girl voiced her request. “Please God, make Melaka the capital city of Malaysia.â€
“Penny, why on Earth would you make such a strange request?†asked Tess, startling her daughter. Penny began to cry.
“Because that’s what I wrote in my Geography test this morning!â€
Late one evening, a woman came home from work after a long day at the office. When she walked into the kitchen, she found her husband walking around wielding a fly swatter.
“Albert, what are you doing?†she asked.
“I’m hunting flies,†he said.
“Oh, I see. Did you kill any?†she asked.
“Yep, three males two females,†he replied in a confident tone.
The woman was intrigued by her husband’s apparent fly knowledge.
She asked, “But how can you tell the difference between males and females?â€
He replied, “Easy. Three were on the beer can and two were on the phone.â€
Three women all die in a car crash and go to Heaven on the same day. They are waiting at the pearly gates when St. Peter arrives and greets them.
“Welcome to Heaven, ladies. There is only one rule here in Heaven: don’t step on the ducks.â€
The women each look at each other with confusion. St. Peter opens the gate and sure enough, there are thousands of tiny ducks covering the ground.
The first woman goes in and lasts a week before stepping on a duck. St. Peter appears out of nowhere with the ugliest man she has ever seen and handcuffs them together.
He says, “This is your punishment for stepping on a duck. You are now stuck with this man for all eternity,†and disappears.
The second woman lasts for a month before finally stepping on a duck. The same thing happens again. St. Peter arrives with the ugliest man she has ever seen, handcuffs them together, explains what has happened and leaves.
The third woman continues to enjoy Heaven for years and years, never stepping on a duck. Suddenly, St. Peter pops up out of nowhere with the most gorgeous man she has ever seen. He handcuffs them together, and without saying a word, leaves.
The woman looks up at the man, bats her eyelashes and says, “Gee, I wonder what I did to deserve you.â€
He slowly looks down at her and says, “I don’t know what you did, but I stepped on a duck.â€
A little old Texas lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
“Good morning,†said the young man, “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners, straight from California.â€
“Go away!†said the old lady, “I haven’t got any money to spend on things like that!†and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
“Don’t be too hasty!†he said. “At least wait until you’ve seen my demonstration.â€
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
“If this vacuum cleaner doesn’t remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder, cross my heart.â€
The old lady stepped back and said, “Wait here while I go get a spoon. I hope you’ve got a darn good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.â€
The Marine Corps found they had too many officers and senior enlisted men. It was decided to offer some of them an early retirement bonus.
They promised any officer or senior enlisted man who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. Those applying got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Sergeant Major. When asked where he would like to be measured, he replied, “From the tip of my penis to my the back of my balls.â€
The pension man asked if he wanted to reconsider his choice, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Marine insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant Major to drop ’em, which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the penis and began to work back. “Dear Lord!†he suddenly exclaimed. “Where are your testicles?â€
The old Sergeant Major calmly replied, “Vietnam.â€
A blonde driver was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, “Are you going to San Diego?â€
“Sure,†answered the blonde, “do you need a lift?â€
“Not for me. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I’ll give you $100 for your trouble.â€
“I’d be happy to,†said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes, he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
“What are you doing here?†he demanded, “I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!â€
“Yes, I know you did,†said the blonde. “But we had money left over so now we’re going to SeaWorld.â€
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She tearfully agreed, but asked how to let him know when the baby was born.
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write “Spaghetti†on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife. “Honey,†she said, “you received a very strange postcard today.â€
“Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,†he said.
The wife watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
“Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
“Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.â€
Musicians will get this one
"A musical note was put under arrest, which confused the musicians."
One day, a man who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
“It’s certainly not a ship,†he thinks to himself.
As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf is a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned guy and says: “Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?â€
“Ten years,†replies the stunned man.
With that, she reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says: “Man, oh man! Is that good!â€
“And how long has it been since you’ve had a sip of bourbon?†she asks him.
Trembling the castaway replies: “Ten years.â€
She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.
He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says: “WOW, that’s absolutely fantastic!â€
At this point, the woman starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively and asks: “And how long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?â€
With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs: “Oh good Lord! Don’t tell me you’ve got a portable TV?â€
One day, the loneliness of a 70-year-old widow made her put an ad in the local newspaper that she wanted to marry again. It read:
“Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person.â€
The next day, the doorbell rang, and when she opened the door, she saw a gray-haired gentleman in a wheelchair, with no legs or arms.
She said, “You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you-you have no legs!â€
The old man smiled gently, and replied: “Therefore, I cannot run around on you!â€
The old lady, still objecting, said, “You don’t have any arms either!â€
This made the old man smile again, “Therefore, I can never beat you!â€
Before the next question, the old lady raised her eyebrow and asked, “Are you still good in bed?â€
The old man leaned back, and with a grin on his face, said, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?â€
Got sent this yesterday... will appeal to the punters...
The town drunk is a mad punter but he's always pissed. He gets thrown out of his local pub tab by the publican. On the street he asks a passer by for a tip who looks at him and says 'for you I think lunch would be a good thing.' The drunk spies a board next to him that says, "LUNCH 12-1" He thinks wow great odds ! So he goes into the pub to back LUNCH. The publican throws him out again. So he staggers down the hill to the towns other pub to get his bet on LUNCH. On the way he passes a cafe that says on its board LUNCH 11-2. He thinks, everyone is backing it off the map ! He rushes down to the other pub to see their board stating LUNCH 1-2. "Bugger me", he cries, "Its into odds on." He flakes on the footpath and wakes up to find himself in a cell locked up for D & D. He calls out to the nearest cop. "Hey, tell me about LUNCH." The cop calls back, "Bad luck about lunch pal, sober up first." The drunk smiles and says, "Sober up first. Glad I didn't bloomin back LUNCH !!"
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.
Two days before the group is supposed to leave, Rob’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going. Rob’s friends are very upset that he can’t go, but there’s nothing they can do.
Two days later, the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.
“Dang man, how long have you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?â€
“Well, I’ve been here since yesterday,†Rob begins. “Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said ‘guess who?’ I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see-through nightie.
She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. On the bed were handcuffs and ropes!
She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, ‘Now, you can do whatever you want.’
So here I am.â€
A judge was interviewing a blonde woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?â€
The blonde woman replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.â€
“No,†he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?â€
“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,†she responded.
“I mean,†he continued, “What are your relations like?â€
“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.â€
He said, “Do you have a real grudge?â€
“No,†she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.â€
“Please,†he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?â€
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.â€
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?â€
“Yes,†she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.â€
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?â€
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,†she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!â€
A couple of parents are out of town celebrating their wedding day, and ask grandma to keep an eye on their teenage daughter.
It’s Friday evening and the teenage grandchild is getting ready for a date. When the girl walks down the stairs, the grandma is chocked to see that she is wearing a see-through blouse without anything underneath.
“You wouldn’t dare go out dressed like that!†she says to the girl.
“Relax, grandma,†the girl says, “It’s 2017, it’s okay to let your rosebuds show a bit.†The girl quickly runs out of the house before the grandma can get a word in edgewise.
On the next day the girl walks down the stairs again, but is shocked to see her grandma sitting there without any clothes on her upper body.
The girl is incredibly embarrassed by the sight, and tells grandma that she has invited some friends over, and asks her to put on some clothes so it won’t be awkward.
“Relax, honey,†the grandma says, “if you can show your rosebuds, then what’s wrong with me showing my hanging plants?â€
and in case you need reminding
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Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.
They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning â€" though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.â€
They throw the switch and nothing happens. The executioners all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.â€
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.â€
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A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.
The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable for the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy,’ and I would nod my head and say ‘Yes, it was.’
The men would ask, ‘Can I borrow that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t, it’s all booked up for a year.’â€
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perked up and said, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!â€
“What a coincidence,†the farmer said. “This is a special day for me; I am celebrating.â€
“This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,†said the woman.
“What a coincidence!†said the farmer. As they clinked glasses, he added, “What are you celebrating?â€
“My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!â€
“What a coincidence!†said the man. “I’m a chicken farmer, and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.â€
“That’s great!†said the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?â€
“I used a different rooster,†he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, “What a coincidence!â€
A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
Since he wasn’t physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral.
However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Gunnery Sergeant for his personal staff.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview.
At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?â€
The Master Chief answered, “Why yes. I couldn’t help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don’t know whether this impacts your hearing on that side.â€
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, “Well yes, you seem to be short one ear.â€
The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with the Marine Gunnery Sergeant. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together.
The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.
“Do you notice anything different about me?â€
To his surprise the Gunnery Sergeant said, “Yes. You wear contact lenses.â€
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. “And how do you know that?†the Admiral asked.
The Gunny replied, “Well sir, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear.â€
Apologies if offended.
A mother had three virgin daughters. All three got married within a short space of time.
Mum was a bit worried about what their early experiences would be like. She therefore made them all promise to send a postcard from their honeymoon destinations, with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The 1st girl sent a card from Hawaii, two days after her wedding. The card said nothing but: ‘Nescafe.’
Mum was puzzled at first, but off she went to her kitchen to get out the Nescafe jar; it said ‘Good till the last drop.’ She blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The 2nd girl sent a card from Atlanta, a week after her own wedding. The card read: ‘Rothmans.’
Mum dashed straight to her husband’s pack of cigarettes and she read from the pack: ‘Extra Long, King Size.’ She was again slightly embarrassed, but still happy for her daughter.
The 3rd girl was in Cape Town for her honeymoon. Nothing was heard from her until all of 30 days later. Mother had begun to entertain a measure of apprehension.
On the 31st day, her postcard finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: ‘South African Airways.’
Mum desperately rummaged through the waste bin for the ticket jacket her daughter had discarded before her departure.
Fearing the worst, she finally found the ad for South African Airways and read: ‘Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.’
Mum fainted.
After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10â€"inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23â€"yearâ€"old girl every night.
Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 69â€"yearâ€"old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.â€
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and ï¬nd a hot 23â€"yearâ€"old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10â€"inch black and white TV.
Not really a joke but a label I came across when buying clothes for grand children.
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you are a legend Ringo. Couple of good belly laughs are just what I needed.
Ever feel like this some days even though not 90.
A husband and wife in their 90s are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically OK, but they might want to start writing things down to avoid forgetting.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. “Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?†he asks.
“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?â€
“Sure …â€
“Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?†she asks.
“No, I can remember it.â€
“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?â€
He says, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.â€
“I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?†she asks.
Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream â€" I got it, for goodness’ sake!†Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment.
“Where’s my toast?â€
Not all will get the punch line as probably not old enough to remember but for those of that are and can relate enjoy.
Here’s a quick one about the good old days!
It’s 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Peggy Sue’s father answers the door and invites him in.
He asks Bobby what they’re planning to do on the date. Bobby politely responds that they’ll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue’s father suggests, “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.â€
Bobby is shocked. “Excuse me, sir?â€
“Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She’ll screw all night if we let her.â€
Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she’s ready to go.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, “Dad! The Twist! It’s called the Twist!â€
WOOPS!
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Three elderly women are talking about their troubles.
“Sixty is the worst age to be,†said Ruth, the 60-year-old, “You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens.â€
“Ah, that’s nothing,†said the 70-year-old, Maxine. “When you’re 70, you don’t have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens.â€
“Actually,†said Gilda, the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.â€
“Do you have trouble peeing too?†asked Ruth.
“No, I pee every morning at 6 a.m. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all.â€
“Do you have trouble with your bowel movements?†Maxine questioned.
“No, I have one every morning at 6:30 a.m,†Gilda responded.
Puzzled with this, Ruth said, “Let’s get this straight. You pee every morning at 6 a.m. and poop every morning at 6:30 a.m. So what’s so tough about being 80?â€
“I don’t wake up until 7.â€
One evening, a beautiful 17 year old daughter came home, feeling slightly worried. Her dad noticed that something was wrong, and repeatedly asked her if there was anything she wanted to talk about.
Finally, the daughter revealed what had been bothering her. Her new boyfriend had said something that she hadn’t quite understood.
“He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper,†the 17-year-old said.
Her dad leaned back in his chair and took a few deep breaths to keep his anger at bay.
He said to his daughter, “You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, then I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he’ll start leaking out of his exhaust pipe!â€
Some Maoris turn up at the Pearly Gates and are confronted by St.Peter.
"What do you want?" asks St.Peter.
"We wanna come in!" the Maoris reply.
"Hang on," says St.Peter. "Let me go and check with God."
So St.Peter goes to up to God and says, "We've got some Maoris at the Pearly Gates who want to come in."
God thinks for a second and says, "No, tell them to bugger off."
St.Peter leaves and then returns shortly after to tell God, "They're gone."
God nods and says, "The Maoris."
St.Peter replies, "No! The Pearly Gates."
Love this one.
(https://i.gyazo.com/a9c9e653f6766ecf37004ec41134fe6d.png)
Been away for a week so here goes again. Sorry to offend the ladies.
(https://i.gyazo.com/085ecd65ce46e3ee8836275a9bcaa244.png)
An old lady was standing at the railing of a cruise ship, holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the strong wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?â€
“Yes, I know,†said the lady, “but I need both hands to hold onto this hat.â€
“But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!†said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 83 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!â€
Misunderstandings always make for HILARIOUS stories!
An English lady, making plans for an inexpensive visit to Switzerland, wrote to a country inn for a room reservation. She ended the letter saying she preferred accommodation as close as possible to a WC.
You anglophones will recognize WC as a water closet or toilet. The Swiss innkeeper was not that well acquainted with English, so he took the letter to his friend the parish priest and asked, “What is a WC?â€
The priest mulled this over for a time and then the dawn broke. “I’ve got it,†he said, “of course she means Wayside Chapel!â€
Very pleased to have his problem solved, the innkeeper hastened to write to the English lady:
Dear Madam,
It is with great pleasure that I am able to inform you that we have a lovely room reserved for your visit and that there, indeed, is a WC. It is located only two miles from the inn, in a beautiful grove of pine trees which gives a feeling of serenity to the visitor.
It may surprise you to know that our WC holds over two hundred persons per sitting. It is a good idea to go as early as possible in order to get a good seat, as sometimes only standing room is available, and is especially hard on some of the older ladies.
On Sundays, a good number of people take picnic lunches and make a day of it. Others take a bus or horse carriage and usually arrive only just in time. I would recommend Madam arrange to go on Thursday evenings when there is organ accompaniment.
Although the building dates back to the 12th century, the acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds may be heard in the halls.
We are very proud of our unusual bell, donated by a wealthy visitor, which rings every time someone makes an offering.
Unfortunately my wife is not been able to attend regularly, since we don’t live that close. Naturally it pains her very much not to be able to go more often.
Some come with cheer â€" some with charity â€" but all leave satisfied.
/ Country inn Stübner
Enjoy this one.
https://www.facebook.com/seen.everything/videos/1507083336062865/
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying barbie told you I was speeding too.
She had a plan the whole time!
A man was heading home from work. Unfortunately the bus got canceled, so he had to call a cab. While sitting in the cab, he noticed that the driver missed a turn in an intersection.
The man carefully tapped the driver on his shoulder and said, “Sorry Sir, but…â€
The driver screamed, “AAAAAAHHHH!†and lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, missed a biker, scraped a fire hydrant and stopped just 1 feet from a department store shop window.
For a full 3 seconds everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver slowly turned around and said, “Look, don’t ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!â€
The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.â€
The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a taxi driver. For the last 25 years I’ve been driving a hearse!â€
A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, “Jesus is watching you.â€
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard: “Jesus is watching you.â€
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?†he hissed at the parrot.
“Yep,†the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.â€
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?â€
“Moses,†replied the bird.
“Moses?†the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird ‘Moses?’â€
“The same kind of people who would name a Rottweiler ‘Jesus.’â€
A man walks into a watering hole with a large box and takes a seat at the bar. The bartender, curious, asks, “What’s in the box?â€
The man says, “I’ll show you if you get me a free beer.â€
So the bartender gets the man a beer. The man drinks it, then pulls out a minuscule little man and a matching piano. The little man promptly starts playing the little piano.
“Hey, that’s pretty cool,†the bartender says. “Where did you get that?â€
The man says, “I’ll tell you if you get me another beer.â€
So the bartender gets the man another beer. The man drinks it. “I got it from a genie in a lamp,†he finally reveals.
Fully invested now, the bartender says, “If you let me borrow that lamp, I’ll give you another beer.â€
“Sure!†the man answers. The bartender gets him another beer, and the man hands the bartender the lamp.
The bartender rubs the lamp and sure enough, a genie pops out.
“You are now my master,†the genie announces. “I will grant you one wish. What will it be?â€
The bartender immediately says, “I wish for a million bucks!â€
All of a sudden, a million ducks start flying into the room.
“What the heck is this!†screams the bartender, attempting to chase them out. “I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks!â€
The man, still sitting at the bar, responds, “Do you really think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?â€
After a tiring day, Zoe settled down in a seat on her train and closed her eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice.
“Hi sweetheart. It’s Gavin. I’m on the train.
“Yes, I know it’s the 6:30 and not the 4:30, but I had a long meeting.
“No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss.
“No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life.
“Yes, I promise, cross my heart.â€
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly. When Zoe, exasperated, had had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, “Gavin, hang up the phone and come back to bed.â€
Red-faced and absolutely shocked, he shut off his phone and didn’t say a single word for the rest of the train ride.
An old man goes to church one morning and heads into confession.
Inside, he says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, a widower, with 11 grandchildren. Last night I met two beautiful flight attendants. They took me home and I made love to both of them. Twice.â€
The priest says, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?â€
“Never, Father, I’m Jewish,†the man replies.
“So then, why are you telling me?†the priest asks, confused.
The man responds, “I’m telling everybody!â€
A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. “You know what?†says the 6-year-old. “I think it’s about time we start cussing.â€
The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.
The 6-year-old continues. “When we go downstairs for breakfast I’m going to say hell and you say ass.â€
“OK!†The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. “Aw hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.â€
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts “You can just stay there till I let you out!â€
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?
“I don’t know,†he blubbers, “But you can bet your ass it won’t be Cheerios!â€
Not really a joke as this may be an indication of things to come:
(https://i.gyazo.com/fa316c4de2493142c6283379529feab9.png)
One day Einstein had to speak at a big important science convention. He called a cab.
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
“I’m sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!â€
The driver agrees: “You’re right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don’t know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place.â€
“That’s a great idea!†says Einstein. “Let’s switch places then!â€
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won’t be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
“Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I’m going to let my driver reply to it for me.â€
Joe had been having horrible headaches, so he went to see his doctor.
The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.â€
Joe was shocked and depressed, but in the end he came to the conclusion that he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need. A new suit.â€
He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.â€
The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, “Let’s see, size 44 long.â€
Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?â€
“Been in the business 60 years!†the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit, and it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?â€
Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.â€
The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.â€
Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?â€
“Been in the business 60 years.â€
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?â€
Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.â€
The salesman said, “Let’s see, size 36.â€
Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.â€
The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.â€
No offence intended here remember it is just a joke but ladies may love it.
God was just about done creating humans. He was feeling pretty satisfied with his work, but he had two parts left over.
He couldn’t decide how to split them between Adam and Eve, so he thought he might just as well ask them.
“I’ve got two things for you, but you’ll have to decide who gets what. The first thing is the ability to pee standing up…â€
Adam interrupted, “Oh please give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!â€
On and on he went like an excited little boy, bouncing up and down.
Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the ability to pee standing up.
Adam was so excited that he just started whizzing all over the place â€" first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he ‘did the helicopter’ with his thing.
“Look Eve, I’m a sprinkler!â€
God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, “Well, I guess you’re kind of stuck with the last thing I have left.â€
Eve asked, “What’s that?â€
God said, “Brains.â€
Anna was 79 years old and lived on the third floor of a boarding house. Despite her age, she was still a real pistol packin’ mama. However, one day she fell and broke her leg.
An ambulance drove her to the hospital where a doctor put a cast on it. When he was done, he warned her, “Now don’t be walking up or down any stairs, okay?â€
Anna nodded, and thought that this sounded reasonable.
A few weeks later, the doctor took off the cast.
“So, can I climb stairs now?†asked the little old lady.
“Yes,†he replied.
“Thank goodness!†she said. “I’m sick and tired of climbing up and down that drainpipe!â€
(https://i.gyazo.com/b350e9bf0e650b0ed2583685ddad350b.png)
Apologies if this offends. The statement at top is true though.
(https://i.gyazo.com/37b7fb86ab9756ffa44ddfff8fcb7f16.png)
A 21 year old blonde girl met a large, powerfully built bodybuilder at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place.
The body builder takes off his shirt, and while doing so, he exclaims, “Boom!â€
The blonde says, “What a great chest you have!â€
He tells her, “That’s 100 lbs of dynamite, baby!â€
He then rips off his pants, once again yelling, “Boom!â€
The blonde is impressed and says, “My, what massive calves you have!â€
The body builder tells her, “That’s 100 lbs of dynamite, baby.â€
He then rips off his underwear, and exclaims “Boom!â€
The blonde goes running out of the apartment, screaming in fear.
The bodybuilder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, “I didn’t want to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was!â€
There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
“Well, whatcha gonna do about it?†he says, menacingly, as I suddenly burst into tears.
“Oh, come on, man,†the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying.â€
“This is the worst day of my life,†I say. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me.â€
“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jackass, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how’s your day going?â€
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.
Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. People would say, “What a peaceful and loving couple.â€
On this special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit. He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
“Well,†explained the husband, “it all goes back to our honeymoon.
“We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.
“We hadn’t gone too much farther when my wife Ruth’s mule stumbled and she almost fell off. Ruth quietly said, ‘That’s once.’
“We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly spoke: ‘That’s twice.’
“We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. Ruth promptly removed a revolver from her purse, hopped down off the beast, and shot the mule dead.
“I SHOUTED at her, ‘What’s wrong with you, woman?! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy?’
“Ruth looked at me and quietly said, ‘That’s once.’ “
Sorry if ladies offended.
(https://i.gyazo.com/f45b47e5c699014761e10eb2c82ac2eb.png)
Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.â€
“Odd,†her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.â€
Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. “Two dogs, please,†she says.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their ‘dogs.’
One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, “What part did you get?â€
A very old lady realizes that she’s seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world.
After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.
Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart.
He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.
The senior lady hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.
One woman’s three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and she had to be on him constantly. One day they stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While the woman enjoyed her taco, she smelled something funny, so of course, she checked her seven-month-old daughter, but the infant was clean. Then she realized that Matty had not asked to go potty in a while, so she asked him and he said, “No.â€
She kept thinking, “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I don’t have any clothes with me.†Then she said, “Matty, are you sure you did not have an accident?â€
“No,†he replied.
She just knew that he must have, because the smell was getting worse. So she asked one more time, “Matty, did you have an accident?â€
Matt jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, “SEE, MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!!â€
While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened. The mother was mortified!
Some kind people tried to make her feel better. They came over and thanked her for the best laugh they had ever had!!!
Another old gentleman stopped the family in the parking lot as they were leaving, bent over to the son and said, “Don’t worry son, my wife accuses me of the same thing all the time… I just never had the nerve to make the point like you did.â€
Bit political but true as well
(https://i.gyazo.com/a73f0eee67ad70b91c4f8764ed1ee957.png)
Sister Judy woke up one morning feeling great. She got out of bed and decided to go to the kitchen for some breakfast.
On her way over there, she ran into sister Jane. “Hi, Sister Jane,†she greeted her.
“I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed, Sister,†Jane replied. Judy did not understand what Sister Jane meant by that, so she ignored it and went on her way.
She was passing by the garden when she ran into sister Roberta. “Good morning, Sister Roberta! I am having a great day.â€
“I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed,†Sister Roberta replied mysteriously.
The nun was wondering why everybody she met kept saying that when she felt great, so she decided to go and see Mother Superior.
“Everybody keeps telling me that I got off on the wrong side of the bed, even though I feel great today,†Judy explained, troubled.
Mother Superior responded,â€That is because you have Brother John’s shoes on.â€
(https://i.gyazo.com/001e3cead7db0233bfb72d6871593cf0.png)
An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.
They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?â€
After a short pause, she replies, “No.â€
Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first. Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So… you finish?â€
And again, after a short pause, she just says “No.â€
Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette and entertains his companion du jour. This time, with all the strength he can muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after expending quite a lot of time and energy.
Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette, lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So… you finish?â€
“No. I’m Swedish.â€
Love this one
(https://i.gyazo.com/e858c82c84064a9a161687c8e9047886.png)
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day.
Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper. “Hello?â€
“Is your daddy home?†he asked.
“Yes,†whispered the small voice.
“May I speak with him?â€
The child whispered, “No.â€
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?â€
“Yes.â€
“May I speak with her?â€
Again the small voice whispered, “No.â€
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?â€
“Yes,†whispered the child, “a policeman.â€
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?â€
“No, he’s busy,†whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?â€
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman,†came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?â€
“A helicopter,†answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?†demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team just landed a helicopter.â€
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?â€
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle… “ME.â€
Apologies to Trump Supporters
(https://i.gyazo.com/826696506d0978b85e7f75351287ef86.png)
A Polish man moved to the United States and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him “very quick.â€
The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Lawyer: “Have you any grounds?â€
Man: “YA, YA, acre and half and nice little home.â€
Lawyer: “No,†I mean what is the foundation of this case?â€
Man: “It made of concrete.â€
Lawyer: “Does either of you have a real grudge?â€
Man: “No, we have carport, and not need one.â€
Lawyer: “I mean, what are your relations like?â€
Man: “All my relations still in Poland.â€
Lawyer: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?â€
Man: “Ya, we have hi- fidelity stereo set and good DVD player.â€
Lawyer: Does your wife beat you up?â€
Man: “No, I always up before her.â€
Lawyer: “WHY do you want this divorce?â€
Man: “She going to kill me.â€
Lawyer: “What makes you think that?â€
Man: “I got proof.
Lawyer: “What kind of proof?â€
Man: “She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it says, “Polish Remover.â€
Two army boys, Frankie and Davy, get promoted from Privates to Sergeants.
Not long after, they’re out for a walk and Frankie says, “Hey, Davy â€" there’s the NCO Club. Let’s you and me stop in and have us a drink.â€
“But we’s privates,†protests Davy.
“No, we’s sergeants now,†says Frankie proudly, pulling him inside. “Now, Davy, I’m gonna sit down and have me a drink.â€
“But, we’s privates,†says Davy. “You’re blind, boy!†says Frankie, pointing at his stripes. “We’s Sergeants now!â€
So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Frankie. “You’re cute,†she says, “and I’d like to take you someplace and make you feel good â€" but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhea.â€
Frankie pulls his friend to the side and whispers, “Davy, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it’s good, give me the okay sign.â€
Davy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Frankie the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Frankie is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
“Davy,†he shouts, “What did you give me the okay for?!â€
“Well Frankie, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates.†Then he pointed to his stripes and says, “But we’s Sergeants now!â€
Matty’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
“Is this really a wanted person?†Matty asked, pointing at a picture.
“Yes,†answered the policeman. “The detectives want very badly to capture him.â€
Then Matty said, “Well then, why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?â€
Think we all feel like this sometimes
(https://i.gyazo.com/f9994684cde7d3dcf65d3270b0f08da3.png)
A few of us can relate to this: :D
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. â€"
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills
back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think,
since I’m going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I’d been drinking.
I’m going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.
The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eyeâ€"they need water.
I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I’ve been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I’m going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I’ll be looking for the remote,
but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I’ll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn’t washed
the bills aren’t paid
there is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don’t have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can’t find the remote,
I can’t find my glasses,
and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all the damn day,
and I’m really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
and I’ll try to get some help for it,
but first I’ll check my e-mail….
Don’t laugh â€" if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming!!
(https://i.gyazo.com/e159f0084a336d720887ffdec49e50b7.png)
A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
(https://i.gyazo.com/65876fa40ae1f87b4c0909a759b85d08.png)
One for we older members of the forum.
(https://i.gyazo.com/a8356dfba2319872b6aeb459b993c7fd.png)
Is this the latest Kawasaki
(https://i.gyazo.com/f0d4371259d902a5a1f97ef76dfa1634.png)
A 5-year-old boy visited his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?â€
Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.â€
Grandma later turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma’s minister. The minister said, “Hello son, is your grandma home?â€
The little boy replied, “Yeah, she’s in the bedroom banging her boyfriend.â€
The minister fainted.
A kindergarten teacher is trying to explain the definition of the word “definitely†to her class. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.
The first student raised his hand and said, “The sky is definitely blue.â€
The teacher said, “Well, that isn’t entirely correct, because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy.â€
Another student says, “Grass is definitely green.â€
The teacher replied, “If grass doesn’t get enough water it turns brown, so that isn’t really correct either.â€
Finally, Billy raises his hand and asks the teacher, “Do farts have lumps?â€
The teacher looked at him and said “No… But that isn’t really a question you want to ask in class discussion.â€
So Billy replies, “Then I definitely just shower my pants.â€
A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She suspects that he’s preparing a surprise for her since today is their 20th wedding anniversary, so she puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
“What’s the matter, dear?†she whispers as she steps into the room, “You haven’t been sitting here all night, have you!?â€
The husband looks up from his drink, “It’s the 20th Anniversary of the day we met.â€
She can’t believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15,†he said solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
“Yes, I do,†she replies.
The husband pauses… The words were not coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?â€
“Yes, I remember,†said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued, “Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?â€
“I remember that too,†she replied softly…
He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, “I would have gotten out today.â€
Been a while so a second one
A First grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Johnny what is your problem?â€
Johnny answered, “I’m too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!â€
The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal’s office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed.
Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test.
Principal: “What is 3 x 3?â€
Johnny: “9â€.
Principal: “What is 6 x 6?â€
Johnny: “36â€.
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, “I think Johnny can go to the third grade.
“The teacher says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions?†The principal and Johnny both agree. The teacher asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?â€
Johnny, after a moment, “Legs.â€
Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?†The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied, “Pockets.â€
Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?â€
Johnny: “Pantsâ€
Teacher: “What starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of excitement?â€
Johnny: “Fire truck.â€
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last four questions myself.
(https://i.gyazo.com/0f21837b1fed60ba48c86c8488ed4bc6.png)
one for all the retail workers at there
So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. I said pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one is 9, and the other one is 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?â€
So I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, ma’am. I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart.â€
My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.
Think we can relate to this.
(https://i.gyazo.com/12378888d6db6f8eb9001abf12725809.png)
Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.
The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, “I think I’ll get up and get a coke.â€
“No problem,†said the Soldier, “I’ll get it for you.â€
While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier’s shoe and spat in it.
When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.â€
Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier’s other shoe and spit in it.
The Soldier returned, and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston. As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
“How long must this go on?†the Soldier asked.
“This fighting between our services?
This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?â€
Agnes married and had 13 children.
When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children.
Again, her husband passed away. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children before her third husband died as well.
Alas, she herself died eventually.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman. “Lord, at long last, they are finally together,†he announced solemnly.
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?â€
The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.â€
A 71-year-old man made the trip back to his old college to take one last look around campus again before he settled in to retired life.
As he got to the campus he saw a young man studying hard, and the sight brought back memories. He sat on the bench beside the lad, but was surprised when the kid started spouting off at him.
“You old geezer. Your generation will never understand my generation,†the kid lectured. “You grew up in a different world. In fact, your world is almost primitive compared to mine,†the student said.
“Is that right?†the elder man said.
“The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, microwaves. I can carry hundreds of books on a tiny chip in my cell phone. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing, and,†he paused to take swig of beer.
The senior took advantage of the break in the student’s litany and said, “You’re right, son. We didn’t have those things when we were young â€" so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little barbie, what are you doing for the next generation?â€
The student fell completely silent and all the people around them cheered!
Been a while so here is another
A man and his wife are out driving, and get pulled over by a police officer.
The husband, who is the one behind the wheel, asks, “What’s the problem, officer?â€
Officer: “You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.â€
Man: “No sir, I was going 65.â€
Wife: “Oh, Harry. You were going 80.†(The man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: “I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: “Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!â€
Wife: “Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.†(The man gives his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: “I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.â€
Man: “Oh, this? I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.â€
Wife: “Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.â€
The man turns to his wife and yells, “Shut your mouth!â€
The officer turns to the woman and asks, “Ma’am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?â€
Wife: “No, only when he’s drunk.â€
A 53 year old man called home to his wife and told her that his boss had asked him to come along on a fishing trip to Canada.
The husband said over the phone, “We’ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We’re leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up.â€
Before hanging up, he hurriedly added, “Oh! And please pack my new silk pajamas.â€
The wife replied, “Your silk pajamas?â€
The man said, “Yeah, you know, the blue ones. See you in a bit!â€
The wife thought that this sounded a bit strange, but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and gave him a kiss.
“Welcome back honey. Did you catch any fish?â€
He said, “Yes! Lots of salmon, some bluegill, and a few swordfish. But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?â€
The wife replied, “I did. They’re in the top of your fishing box…â€
If your having a bad day this will cheer you up. Always some one worse off than yourself.
(https://i.gyazo.com/a09ebd1c05da95a880cedb5af7c29e1e.png)
Not really a joke but had a chuckle
(https://i.gyazo.com/435a41dcc83ee7d4f845e04a7dfab87f.png)
(https://i.gyazo.com/4edcc2e2cc75b0f4c5dc2221266799a7.png)
Sorry if this is offensive. But just shows you need to be aware of your surroundings at all times.
(https://i.gyazo.com/5a54506d0c182156e8bfc54f8e5f0f20.png)
This one is a little bit blue, but it sure is funny!
A Tennessee farmer got home after a long day of working in the fields, and was feeling mighty horny. He went to his wife and asked her if she felt like a roll in the hay.
His wife replied, “No Michael, our son will be home from school any minute now.â€
“So what?†Michael replied. “We can just turn on the dishwasher and he won’t hear a peep.â€
She replied, “No way Michael,†and that was that.
Michael got frustrated and decided to go take a ride on his tractor to let off some steam.
By the time their son had gotten home, the wife had changed her mind. She asked her son to go out to his father and tell him to come home and turn on the dishwasher.
The son went out and told the farmer what the mother had said.
Michael replied, “Tell your mother that it’s too late. I already did the dishes by hand!â€
One for we older members.
(https://i.gyazo.com/3366638fc26d83e0349a5397977a4c99.png)
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like.
“I’d like to be 8 again,†she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he woke up early, made her a nice big bowl of Froot Loops, and then took her to Adventure World. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later, they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt like it was upside down. He took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie with popcorn, a soda and her favorite candy, M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, “Well dear, what was it like being 8 again?â€
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
“I meant my dress size, you idiot!â€
(https://i.gyazo.com/f3ce295b340bc3f3913894f2a9035488.png)
(https://i.gyazo.com/151ec3a4628ce531f0a68214a7a8f2f2.png)
(https://i.gyazo.com/08b85937bec00f3746146402f92174aa.png)
(https://i.gyazo.com/33e8799809dbfa2e91a0e8ae328291f1.png)
Not ventured for a look at the jokes but rewind two weeks back when Germany didn't qualify for the group stage of the world cup...
"Germany can't win anything in Russia"
was quite funny and witty at the time.
Just ordered my next Birthday cake.
(https://i.gyazo.com/84edd84148049444babd0e5a9b27457e.png)
Think a few can relate to this:
(https://i.gyazo.com/3fdad1aaf3872169715e509c3fb3abe7.png)
(https://i.gyazo.com/8965cf50e177d23cf2c52a365ab0eea9.png)
(https://i.gyazo.com/16f66c90d7acdb9b8f0e6b66fbb357e4.png)
(https://i.gyazo.com/40df52502745078ed248dbcbcf52438d.png)
A few Dad Puns for you all.
(https://i.gyazo.com/48bf6fea78d07360dd3a25ce35158883.png)
(https://i.gyazo.com/236e689935b9d6957e1896f368a4de84.png)
My wife came into the lounge and asked why our two year old son was crying.
"He kicked me in the balls," I snarled.
"It's not his fault," she said, "he doesn't understand that it hurts."
"He does now," I replied.
(https://i.gyazo.com/7c2e9d2d2eec95d500e52d2bb4bd6ced.png)
Ringos latest cooking experiment.
(https://i.gyazo.com/09aac2a3880bcdebc61e704d07e0e489.png)
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DlbsXmGXoAUcNfS.jpg:large)
(https://i.gyazo.com/242751cc7cc135bc0c87e0d97b19736e.png)
Think about this one - Did you get it?
(https://i.gyazo.com/5f9844434471829c9d91f74973cd564d.png)
One for those who interact with the public.
(https://i.gyazo.com/fe297043a7c4644fbc0427d388ce947a.png)
A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!â€
She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.â€
(https://i.gyazo.com/a0ae1d9dfb3803d11b96be5225a357b1.png)
(https://i.gyazo.com/cac98938cff00407eaa8ec188f4f2932.png)
Some of theses young ones may not get but hopefully all will get a laugh:
(https://i.gyazo.com/b3bb7ae5cb097ec3ba5e1c5ced357ade.png)
(https://images.mentalfloss.com/sites/default/files/styles/width-constrained-728/public/539787-indian_hills_community_sign_3.jpg)
(https://cdn.vox-cdn.com/thumbor/XT3n9W1kOljH3mcmZClcGOkbXsY=/0x0:960x720/1200x800/filters:focal(0x0:960x720)/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_image/image/49341041/12938236_1204717182891894_2382737388465476690_n.0.0.jpg)
(https://img.izismile.com/img/img11/20180821/640/come_to_the_indian_hills_community_center_for_some_funny_signs_640_02.jpg)
Plenty of other Indian Hills Community Centre Road Signage doing the rounds...
Some of my other favourites are...
The man who invented velcro has died RIP
Wellto be Frank I'd have to change my name
Dogs can't operate MRI scanners But Catscan
Our Mountains Aren't Just funny They're Hill Areas
Ban Pre Shredded Cheese Make America Grate Again
For Chemists Alcoholis not a problem It's a Solution
I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet I don't know Y
Crushing Soda Cans is Soda Pressing
Irony is the opposite of Wrinkly
(https://i.gyazo.com/f142ef903a0ff62feb5ab56c3e7f581b.png)
(https://i.gyazo.com/852deee921c9e8911ea059b0212e8459.png)
A bit lengthy but worth the read to decide whether we should be dead
People over 35 should be dead.
Here's why .
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, or even maybe the early 70's probably shouldn't have survived.
Our cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paint.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no
helmets. (Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.)
As children, we would ride in cars with no seatbelts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
Horrors!
We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soft drink with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because
we were always outside playing.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot
the brakes.
After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights went on!
No one was able to reach us all day.
NO CELL PHONES!!!!!
Unthinkable!
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, novideo games at all, no 99 channels on sky , video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms.
We had friends!
We went outside and found them.
We played bullrush , and sometimes, we got really hurt.
We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents.
No one was to blame but us.
Remember accidents?
We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.
Rugby and Netball had tryouts and not everyone made the team.
Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed an exam and were held back to repeat the same class .
Horrors!
Tests were not adjusted for any reason.
Our actions were our own.
Consequences were expected.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law.
Imagine that!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever.
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
And you're one of them!
Congratulations!
Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before lawyers and government regulated our
lives, for our own good !!!!!
People under 30 are WIMPS !
Send that to tbag ;D
ringo, we had a real life, and i am bloody glad to have had the chance to grow up during the best time in human history. moved my family from melbourne to rural victoria to give them the same opportunity. all wonderful hard working humans, a bit left of centre compared to me, but they will grow out of that.
Here's one for Grazz Know he will enjoy it.
(https://i.gyazo.com/d475f9936c6c18e6d5d9f74cd5102836.png)
One of the reasons English is so hard.
(https://i.gyazo.com/63f2ed6e7f10675a293f299738196652.png)
and this little quote.
The food contamination scare has increased with the discovery of nuts in Parliament.
(https://i.gyazo.com/5d19d58135b54a28066167b5041d6561.png)
This is probably very true.
(https://i.gyazo.com/6f971f3edbdf9dbada2ac4b5270f3655.png)
After a few weeks off.
(https://i.gyazo.com/b2c080314c5f07c700ea6d2beac04439.png)
(https://i.gyazo.com/029fb8d82decdee6da293afe4003a18c.png)
Sorted my aged care plan.
(https://i.gyazo.com/84757b42364a5a1fc18f0e0ddffc48be.png)
(https://i.gyazo.com/e1e76715066cdacb1ea700673b64781f.png)
(https://i.gyazo.com/b1a2cdcf0e555809b93240d736d45a17.png)
(https://i.gyazo.com/2ee998287a2605a9b8267733f81a5e3c.png)
Communication for over 60s in the future:
(https://i.gyazo.com/9114f8d0425321b13e3f15f4904addde.png)
Seen this today and had a chuckle: Sorry if it offends.
Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. All other genders are from Uranus.
(https://i.gyazo.com/c7cfdc7abd5c1e1ea225f5c7ece853fc.png)
(https://i.gyazo.com/361039f103c6691087ee4406c209c4a1.png)
Could not resist this Christmas one for you.
(https://i.gyazo.com/d4f47b45458d49bd0aa76f5c6e5fb6ba.png)
Time to add another now that the forum is up. Sorry if not political correct.
An old station hand named Billy was overseeing his stock in a remote pasture in the outback when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Bryony suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the old man, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Billy looks at the young man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The yuppie then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany .....
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spread sheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to Billy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, you'll be helpin' yourself to one of me animals, then, since you won it fair and square." says Billy.
He watches the smartly dressed yuppie select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the man gingerly picks it up & stuffs it into the boot of his car.
As the yuppie is carefully brushing the dust & hair off his suit, Billy says, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what work you do & where you come from, will you give me back my calf?"
The yuppie thinks about it for a second, wondering what this wrinkled up dirt encrusted uneducated old man could possibly know? He grins and then says, "Okay, old fella, why not? I'm a believer in fair play."
"You're a politician & you work in Canberra." says the old timer.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but, tell me how on earth did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered Billy "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollar’s worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog."
AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT.
If I disappear you will know why amd been nice knowing you all. ;D
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Been a bit busy to post here but will try and add one more often.
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Been a while but could not resist sharing this one:
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If it fits ;D ;D
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Two army boys, Frankie and Davy, get promoted from Privates to Sergeants.
Not long after, they’re out for a walk and Frankie says, “Hey, Davy â€" there’s the NCO Club. Let’s you and me stop in and have us a drink.â€
“But we’s privates,†protests Davy.
“No, we’s sergeants now,†says Frankie proudly, pulling him inside. “Now, Davy, I’m gonna sit down and have me a drink.â€
“But, we’s privates,†says Davy. “You’re blind, boy!†says Frankie, pointing at his stripes. “We’s Sergeants now!â€
So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Frankie. “You’re cute,†she says, “and I’d like to take you someplace and make you feel good â€" but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhea.â€
Frankie pulls his friend to the side and whispers, “Davy, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it’s good, give me the okay sign.â€
Davy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Frankie the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Frankie is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
“Davy,†he shouts, “What did you give me the okay for?!â€
“Well Frankie, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates.†Then he pointed to his stripes and says, “But we’s Sergeants now!â€
Do you agree
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One for MASH fans like me:
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